I have recently been made aware that feral children who have grown into adults have started to purchase airline tickets and fly around the country like regular people. Perhaps you are one of these people, raised by camels in the wilds of Yellowstone who now needs a ticket back to Wyoming to visit your CamelMama Jane and your CamelNana June.
I have a few air travel tips for you that are less of the “hint” variety and more of the “mandatory” variety.
1. Betsy, I Lost My Damn Shoe.
There are things that I will only do in my own home: sing loudly to my iPod, scratch anything, fart like Whoopi’s ass-frogs.
I have learned that because I won’t do it in public doesn’t mean other people won’t. When you fly, it is in every possible sense a totally public experience. You cannot even pee without the knowledge that someone else is hearing you–we are all screaming through the sky like a methed-out bald eagle TO. GETH. ER.
- Do you smell bad? Can’t wait to inhale the AXE liquid testosterone you’ve broiled in for 12 hours.
- Forgot to bring your headphones to watch a movie? I will certainly enjoy hearing a disembodied sex scene like the ghost of pornos past while shopping for yeti statues in Skymall.
- Did you lose your damn shoe on the jetway? Thanks for stopping the entire boarding line to find it and ALSO ASK THE PILOT TO HELP YOU (This happened to me just last weekend.)
Each action you take on an airplane will directly affect everyone else.
2. Should I Have Put That In My Butt?
Every time my sister flies, she must be personally ‘searched’ by a TSA employee for explosive devices thanks to her artificial leg. She’s in some airports so often that they know and remember her, and yet each time, her calf is swabbed for gunpowder and her vagina cupped by a gloved hand.
If they will search a tiny woman’s actual leg for weaponry, you can bet your ass they’ll search your bags. If they find pepper spray, they will detain you. If they find a 9-inch-long Bowie knife, that shit will go in the trash. If they find your Sierra Mist, you will never feel the cool sticky mist of the flavor mountains again. There is not a goddamn thing you can do about it.
These rules are posted FUCKING EVERYWHERE. DO NOT bring knives. DO NOT bring liquids not in the appropriate containers. DO NOT fight TSA. They do not give a shit about how much you love your coyote-print knife–in fact, they will take special pleasure in whipping that shit in the nearest trash.
3. Someone Kick My Rainstick Out
Here is a list of things you should check onto an airplane:
Here is a list of things you should not check:
- A sack of Kirk Camerons
- Loose meats
- 6 foot long rainsticks (Just. Last. Weekend.)
I’m not just being arbitrary here and limiting your free-form packing. Those baggage carts, lines, and carousels were built for predominantly rectangular objects. When you check a rainstick, it will absolutely get caught in the belts. When that happens, I will watch, crying laughing on the floor, as an airline employee lays down on the stopped belt and donkey kicks that shit out. I will laugh harder when it soars a little bit and cracks, and your portable precipitation spills out on the floor.
None of these things are difficult to accomplish. If everyone would just remember Wheaton’s Law, we could all fly and work and exist in fucking peace.
I could use some calming down after writing this. What’s your best air travel related story?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Heather @HeathRobots: ” But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the E.V.O.O and Fieri’s hair is the sun. It is truly the end times. But if you keep making it this fun to laugh at the evil being foisted upon us, I might learn to be okay with it. Also, Rafiki Deen is my spirit animal.”