The Dangerballs Guide To Air Travel Assholery

01/04/2012 · 133 comments

in Dangerballs, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

I have recently been made aware that feral children who have grown into adults have started to purchase airline tickets and fly around the country like regular people. Perhaps you are one of these people, raised by camels in the wilds of Yellowstone who now needs a ticket back to Wyoming to visit your CamelMama Jane and your CamelNana June.

I have a few air travel tips for you that are less of the “hint” variety and more of the “mandatory” variety.

1. Betsy, I Lost My Damn Shoe.

There are things that I will only do in my own home: sing loudly to my iPod, scratch anything, fart like Whoopi’s ass-frogs.

I have learned that because I won’t do it in public doesn’t mean other people won’t. When you fly, it is in every possible sense a totally public experience. You cannot even pee without the knowledge that someone else is hearing you–we are all screaming through the sky like a methed-out bald eagle TO. GETH. ER.

  • Do you smell bad? Can’t wait to inhale the AXE liquid testosterone you’ve broiled in for 12 hours.
  • Forgot to bring your headphones to watch a movie? I will certainly enjoy hearing a disembodied sex scene like the ghost of pornos past while shopping for yeti statues in Skymall.
  • Did you lose your damn shoe on the jetway? Thanks for stopping the entire boarding line to find it and ALSO ASK THE PILOT TO HELP YOU (This happened to me just last weekend.)

Each action you take on an airplane will directly affect everyone else.

2. Should I Have Put That In My Butt?

Every time my sister flies, she must be personally ‘searched’ by a TSA employee for explosive devices thanks to her artificial leg. She’s in some airports so often that they know and remember her, and yet each time, her calf is swabbed for gunpowder and her vagina cupped by a gloved hand.

If they will search a tiny woman’s actual leg for weaponry, you can bet your ass they’ll search your bags. If they find pepper spray, they will detain you. If they find a 9-inch-long Bowie knife, that shit will go in the trash. If they find your Sierra Mist, you will never feel the cool sticky mist of the flavor mountains again. There is not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

These rules are posted FUCKING EVERYWHERE. DO NOT bring knives. DO NOT bring liquids not in the appropriate containers. DO NOT fight TSA. They do not give a shit about how much you love your coyote-print knife–in fact, they will take special pleasure in whipping that shit in the nearest trash.

3. Someone Kick My Rainstick Out

Here is a list of things you should check onto an airplane:

  • Bags
  • Boxes
  • Skis/Snowboards/Strollers/Poles/Carseats/Wheelchairs

Here is a list of things you should not check:

  • A sack of Kirk Camerons
  • Loose meats
  • 6 foot long rainsticks (Just. Last. Weekend.)

I’m not just being arbitrary here and limiting your free-form packing. Those baggage carts, lines, and carousels were built for predominantly rectangular objects. When you check a rainstick, it will absolutely get caught in the belts. When that happens, I will watch, crying laughing on the floor, as an airline employee lays down on the stopped belt and donkey kicks that shit out. I will laugh harder when it soars a little bit and cracks, and your portable precipitation spills out on the floor.

None of these things are difficult to accomplish. If everyone would just remember Wheaton’s Law, we could all fly and work and exist in fucking peace.

I could use some calming down after writing this. What’s your best air travel related story?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Heather @HeathRobots: ” But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the E.V.O.O and Fieri’s hair is the sun. It is truly the end times. But if you keep making it this fun to laugh at the evil being foisted upon us, I might learn to be okay with it. Also, Rafiki Deen is my spirit animal.”

 

Zombie, Esq January 4, 2012 at 3:52 am

You would love China. Here are some things I’ve seen as carry-on on various domestic Chinese flights: Crates of canned goods. Plastic-baggies of milk. Live birds. Garbage bags tied shut. Live plants. Laundry baskets. Boxes of potato chips. Drive shafts. Corn stalks. Transmissions. Palm trees. Household appliances. And the catch-all category: Mysterious packages of all shapes and sizes, shellacked with clear tape.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:03 pm

One day, I will check a live plant into baggage. I will take pictures.

Jen January 4, 2012 at 8:54 pm

When we went to China I ate the sketchiest motherfucking stuff ever placed on God’s green earth; and I’ve lived in some Third World ‘Hoods, yo! Our first week in Bejing we ate (I shit you not) deep-fried goat’s head, snake blood shooters, and flesh from a camel’s hoof pad. . .yes, you heard me right. . .I ate camel toe. Judge away. . .
Jen recently posted..Inner Beauty Is For Amateurs

iampisspot January 5, 2012 at 3:59 am

I don’t have to go all the way to China to eat camel toe.

But hey, I guess that’s because I’m a big ole’ lesbian.

Sorry, I probably just totally lowered the tone around here.

Oh wait, no.

Not possible.
iampisspot recently posted..Transparency

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 5, 2012 at 8:33 am

Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..This week, in pictures

Jen January 5, 2012 at 11:13 am

There is no rock bottom on Noa’s blog, just a downward spiral of shame and degradation.
Jen recently posted..Inner Beauty Is For Amateurs

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Grab a drink and a blindfold so no one will know your secrets.

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I love you for saying that, Pisspot.

Front Desk Ninja January 4, 2012 at 4:13 am

I wish I had something to contribute.
I was packing and getting ready to move to Iqaluit (a super cold, remote location in Canada for those of us who don’t like geography/don’t live in Canada) but that was kabosh’d. I was, however, planning on packing some amazing items like:
-Kraft peanut butter. Which you can’t buy out there.
– Candles
-Toilet paper
-Enough soap, shampoo and conditioner for a year.
– books
– 20 pairs of long johns, in various colours. I was trying to be a stylish eskimo.
– a jacket worth a month and a half of my rent. Seriously. I’m lucky I could return that bitch.

You make me want to go and people watch at the airport, now. I wonder if I could make a day trip out of it, and bring snacks and things?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..If You Don’t Understand This Joke, We Can’t Be Friends Because I’m Too Old For You

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Why, FDN, why would you WANT to live in a remote place in Canada? (Noa writes as she sits in her 79 degree home in Texas).

Mayor Gia January 4, 2012 at 6:44 am

Okay. I’ll be the one to ask the stupid question. What the frick is a rainstick?!?
Mayor Gia recently posted..New Year’s Resolution Fail

ColinP January 4, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It is a hollowed out dry piece of tree (eventually sealed at both ends) partially filled with dried husks of random stuff. The idea is that as you tip the rain stick the (stuff inside) slides down and makes a rain like noise.

For the record I do NOT own one, just need to put that out there.
ColinP recently posted..And then there was rage…

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:13 pm

You know the noise it makes when it gets jammed in a belt? The same noise a yeti makes when it gives birth.

Cyprium January 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I just snorted.

Pish Posh January 5, 2012 at 1:50 am

But dear God WHY? Wait a week, it will probably rain. Or buy a CD. WTF is wrong with people? I would be so embarrassed if I was waiting at the carousel for a rain stick even IF it didn’t block up the whole baggage area. “Wulp, here’s my rain stick” Jeez!

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:34 pm

There’s no honor in carrying around a rainstick.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Tourist bullshit that makes me sad, Gia.

Maria A Ortiz January 4, 2012 at 7:07 am

I’m wondering what a suburb of Chicago has to do with this.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I, too, am wondering that, because I’m not sure what you’re asking. Elaborate?

Maria A Ortiz January 9, 2012 at 6:51 am

Your link for Wheaton’s Law refers to a Chicago suburb. And here I thought Wheaton’s Law was just “Don’t be an asshole”!

Cyprium January 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I thought that Wheaton’s law was to always follow the Prime Directive.

Maria A Ortiz January 10, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Wheaton’s Law

During his keynote speech at the 2007 PAX (Penny Arcade Expo), Wheaton made a note about sportsmanship when playing games online. It has since become known as Wheaton’s Law, which states: “Don’t Be a Dick!”[37] This was intended to apply to life in general, not just online gaming.[38]

Wheaton’s Law Revised is an expansion by comics artist and writer Bill Willingham, which states: “Don’t be a dick, but it’s okay to play one on TV.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wil_Wheaton

Bill G. January 15, 2012 at 6:24 pm

No, Wheaton’s Law: If you ever find yourself in a Chicago suburb, it’s your own fault and you can expect no help to get out and on your way to a desirable destination.

spleeness January 4, 2012 at 7:17 am

A TRANSMISSION??? Dayum. This post reminds me of this article on the weirdest stuff seen at JFK airport: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/weird-wacky-stuff-confiscated-york-customs-article-1.368022

I don’t know what’s worse: the suitcase bursting with wriggling cockroaches or the dead body a family tried to wheel through security to avoid paying transport fees.
spleeness recently posted..Hey, wanna see a manatee? AWESOME closeup!!

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Hoggle from the Labyrinth is in the Museum of lost baggage. He’s a rotting terror beast now.

Misty January 4, 2012 at 7:54 am

But what if you have Kirk Cameron’s sack? Would that be checkable or is that carry on only? I’m asking for a friend. Yeah, let’s go with that . . .
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Holiday Edition

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:15 pm

It’s carry-on. You can tuck that shit in your jacket and no one will know.

Heather Rose January 4, 2012 at 8:16 am

I take great joy in the fact that my hair frizz stuff is 4 oz (above the ridiculous 3.4oz limit) and in 6 recent trips through security, I’ve never been stopped for it. Take that, TSA. Practicing civil disobedience, one shiny strand of hair at a time…
Heather Rose recently posted..TSA: Truly Sick Authority

Mamy January 4, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I tried to take a brand new 4 oz. bottle of face cream on a plane in Chicago right around the time that they changed to 3.4 oz. I would like to know who decided to reduce the limit by .6 oz, what possible consequence that amount difference makes and how much it cost us as taxpayers to change all the literature, signs etc. to reflect said change. P.S. The lighter in my purse made it through with flying colors.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:17 pm

@Mamy: My mom had to take out her hair clip once and throw it away, and the lady behind her had 12-inch knitting needles. Pros, I say.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:16 pm

@Heather: Grace once got a vial of beagle blood through, but they swabbed her ankles again. Observant fellows, that TSA.

momiss January 4, 2012 at 9:20 am

That would have been my last trip on a plane. I took all 4 kids to FL. The twin boy “babies” were 5. I had two drinks spilled directly into my crotch, accidentally, by the same 5 year old boy. The first time it was between KC and Atlanta. I was fool enough to think I would be able to air dry my crotch, and that it would be warmer in GA. The universe conspired to teach me that it was NOT any warmer in GA (In Dec of 2004), and the Atlanta airport does NOT have blowdryers. Just paper towels, which actually is what I prefer and the air dryers always piss me off, but could there be one when I really needed it? Hell no, sister. Then I got apple juice poured in my crotch between GA and FL but by that time I had no pride left and had also taken a couple of valium so that my children would be allowed to live to see the vacation.
I have refused to fly since then, not because I am not up to having drinks spilled in my crotch, but because I refuse to be searched by idiots who couldn’t even fill my order at McDonald’s correctly. This is still America and to me a plane is nothing more than a (hardly) glorified taxi. Fuck ‘em is my attitude. I seem to be in the minority but eventually I believe everyone will wake up. I just hope it’s BEFORE their first anal search that they will themselves not only pay for, but stand in line for. I will fight to the death anyone who tries to touch my anus or vagina, just on general principles. Principals? I don’t have time to check it. You get the idea.
The world has gone crazy and I miss it very much.
momiss recently posted..The Violent (though natural) Death of 2011

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Adrian once spilled a coke on his lap all by himself and the flight attendant rationed the shit out of some napkins when he asked for them to dry off. That was, I am happy to say, the only time I’ve encountered a shitty flight attendant.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 4, 2012 at 9:29 am

I hate flying so much that I refuse to get on a plane with less than 2 mgs of Xanax flowing freely through my system, creating an “I don’t care” attitude that leaves me impervious to the assholery of other travelers.
Basically, *I* am the asshole.
I’m also the person whose luggage is always lost, who gets strip searched by TSA (and I don’t have any artificial body parts, unless you count my boobs), whose purse gets hauled out of the conveyor belt and gone through by hand, who spills her piping hot Starbucks coffee during take-off…

Mea culpa.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..This week, in pictures

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Adrian and I no longer drink or medicate before we fly because of our honeymoon, which is a fun story. My sister also consistently gets her luggage lost, and my cousin once had hers explode thanks to some hairspray and catch on fire!

Dana January 4, 2012 at 9:32 am

So on the way back to Houston from Cleveland where I was attending a wedding I was so hungover that the cabin crew placed me at the front to and I quote “Make sure you didnt die” and so I was sleeping, snoring and being an all around dick to everyone around me because I was so miserable. So like hour 3 I start talking to the lady next to me, who had very sweetly put up with me the whole time and didnt punch me in the face the 15th time I got up to puke. Turns out she was flying home from the Cleveland Heart Transplant Hospital after getting a new heart and because she had no family and her friends couldnt come she was alone. This women was in major pain (she was only like 7 days post op, she was hard like that) and she didnt complain once, hell she didnt even groan, which I did every time I breathed too hard. I felt like such a cow, that I promply shut the hell up and basically became that womens handmadien until the flight ended. And this is why I never complain on a plane, never know who is around you.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Holy shit. That is one tough ho. The worst I ever got was a guy who thought he got salmonella (read: a minor cough) from SeaWorld.

Cyprium January 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Oh Dana! Way to sack up and take care of that poor lady!

I was on a flight to Miami for a ‘date’ once. I was all soused and tipsy. I was all excited, and turned to the good looking gentleman beside me with a twinkle in my eye and said, “so, what are YOU headed to Miami for?”, to which he replied, “Oh, we live there. My wife were on vacation in {insert wherever he said here} and she got very sick, she isn’t going to make it and I have to go back home to make some arrangements before she dies” I decided that I needed to spend the remainder of the flight in the bathroom in order to try to remove my foot from my mouth.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:13 am

I like that you put ‘date’ in quotes, because that makes the ending so much more horrifying.

Cyprium January 10, 2012 at 3:01 am

Yeah, the quotes were definitely needed for that ‘date’.
ME: “Yeah, *hiccup* I’m off to shag some guy I barely know, *hiccup* what about you?”
HIM: “I took my wife on vacation and now she’s going to die.”
ME: “umm….*hiccup*”

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 4, 2012 at 10:00 am

When we went on a skiing trip, I brought a giant ziplock bag filled with quarters (or Kirk Camerons, as you seem to call them) with me because we would be at the Reno airport for a couple hours waiting for my sister’s flight to come in. Why did I bring a big sack of quarters? To play the slots in Reno. I had forgotten that slot machines don’t fucking take quarters anymore, but are still called slot machines (by me, anyway).

Just so everyone knows: TSA finds a giant sack of quarters highly suspicious. They also find vintage pill boxes very confusing.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Tina Turner vs Bonnie Tyler: Hero – Yay or Nay?

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I might also be suspicious of said giant coin purse. You could bludgeon the FUCK out of someone with that.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 4, 2012 at 10:11 am

My best friend is flying today after visiting her parents for the holidays. She has assured me that her fifth of tequila has been placed in a box and carefully cushioned in panties. I have high hopes for a dirty note left by the TSA agent who searches her bag, or at least a video of his/her happy dance.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..I Like The Ones That Don’t Require Me To Buy Things. (Resolutions. Also, Men.)

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:24 pm

They never search my shit, and for that I am extremely grateful, because I would look like a salsa smuggler over state borders every christmas.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 4, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I actually mailed a friend some salsa for Christmas. Illegal salsa dealer ring?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Shivers

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Well shit. Don’t shove it up your butt–security will know and you will cry.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Security will know because I will cry.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Shivers

Teala January 4, 2012 at 10:28 am

Note to Teala: Don’t do any of these things on your plane trip at end of the month.

OR Do ALL the things since Noa won’t be on the plane.
Teala recently posted..Unformed words and sentences floating around as a sea of letters and punctuation.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I’ll be flying again this weekend, and I’m sure I’ll have EVEN MORE FUN.

Carri January 4, 2012 at 10:53 am

Basically, everyone in or around LAX is on my “Kick in the Taco” list. Flying can choke on a bowl of dicks.
Carri recently posted..Retirement is Hard: Part II

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I’ve never had to fly there, but you should see Amarillo, Texas. It’s a redneck airport, and the location of almost all of this post.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:04 pm

You should see LAX’s International Terminal (or actually, you shouldn’t). It is like you stepped into the twilight zone where France, China, Spain, Mexico, and one or more Balkan countries merged into one. It is a crazy-loud cacophony of every language in the world being yelled at once by hairy men and beefy women and, about every 30 seconds, you have an overwhelming urge to scream, “What the FUCK is that smell?” Imagine the bar scene from Star Wars, but a thousand times bigger, louder, and stinkier. (The stink seems to be a mix of B.O., cotton candy that is slightly burned, and hot garbage.)

L-Diggitty January 4, 2012 at 11:01 am

When I was leaving Moscow in 2006, a Russian security official went through my suitcase and found my vibrator. I had it wrapped in a plastic bag, so he was running his hands up and down the “shaft” trying to figure out what it was. Then he opened the bag and figured it out… AWKWARD!
L-Diggitty recently posted..honeymooned, part 1

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:27 pm

What is it about Russia? While Adrian’s sister was there, they were stuck in security behind a woman who tried to carry on a non-working replica AK-47. Um…no ma’am.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:53 pm

That’s a Kodak moment.

Jess January 4, 2012 at 11:38 am

When taking a red-eye flight from San Diego to DC, I had a screaming toddler on the flight. Ok, fine, screaming babies happen, I just deal with it. But it was the inept parent that could not calm the kid down that annoyed the crap out of me. I’m sorry, but “shhh” does not do anything to the kid, that doesn’t compute to a two year old half the time. I think if you’re going to take a red-eye with a child, you should be confident in your parenting skills to be able to make sure that kid is either calm and entertained, or sleeping. If all else fails, there’s baby Tylenol, use it to help keep the rest of us sane.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I would rather fly with screaming toddlers all day than fly with the Hawaii State Football Team ever again. That was the foulest smelling plane ever.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Yep, a lot of parents don’t understand that kids usually holler during altitude changes. Altitude change = pressure change = ear pain. Something to drink with a straw works wonders. If the kid is a little older, having some gum to chew works well.

Jen January 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I have a bizarre propensity for random run-ins with celebrities. When I was flying from Phoenix to Chicago one time there were only two people who got pulled by TSA for the random body cavity searches. Of course, one of them was me. . .apparently a 5’4″ 115lb. white girl and a strawberry blonde, blue-eyed guy in a GAP sweatshirt just scream Al Quaida. After getting patted down, the blue-eyed guy said “Can I at least buy you a cup of coffee seeing as how we were just in the same prison bitch film?” Noa, you will be delighted to know that “Firefly’s” Alan Tudyk is every bit the gentleman as Hoban “Wash” Washburne.
Jen recently posted..Inner Beauty Is For Amateurs

Andi January 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I just died from the awesome. I think I might have to make out with you if we meet in real life, to see if some of your celebrity-spotting will rub off on me.
Andi recently posted..Yo Ho Ho and a Pirate Dress!

Jen January 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Someday I shall regale you with the tales of when I spilled Diet Coke on Harry Connick Jr. and threw up in front of Jimmy Buffett. ((waving like Queen Elizabeth))
Jen recently posted..Inner Beauty Is For Amateurs

Misty January 4, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Tease.

You stillllll owe me a post about celebrity sightings. I am tired of waiting. GET. ON. IT. NOW!! :p
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Holiday Edition

Andi January 4, 2012 at 5:46 pm

What Misty said, times about a bajillion.
Andi recently posted..Yo Ho Ho and a Pirate Dress!

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I am going to have to round out this voting session with a “get on it, Jen.”

Jesus Christ you’re awesome.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm

@Andi: Me first, ho.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm

@Jen: JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD IT WAS WASH?!?!?! IT WAS WASH?!?!

Jen January 4, 2012 at 8:58 pm

IT WAS WASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he looked NOTHING like “himself” until he told me who he was and then I could barely restrain myself from licking his shoes and offering to blow him for Nathan’s phone number! Seriously, I was a classy bitch; we had a latte together (he likes hazelnut BTW) then he and I parted ways. . .cuz’ celeb or not, this princess won’t kick it outside of the Red Carpet Club, y’all. coach is whack!
Jen recently posted..Inner Beauty Is For Amateurs

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:35 pm

You fucked him.

Don’t you bullshit me you hooker.

(was it good? “I shall conquer this vagoo and call it….this vagoo…”)

Jen January 5, 2012 at 8:53 pm

ME: “I would appreciate it if one person on this blog would not assume I’m an evil, lecherous hump.”

NOA: “No one’s saying that, Jen.”

ME: “Yeah, we’re pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.”
Jen recently posted..Victim’s Rights? Wrong.

Monica January 4, 2012 at 2:02 pm

My holiday trip was hell. The savage was the Continental clerk who made us miss our flight, and was an asshole on top of it. Grrr. It ultimately took us 37 hours to get to Denver from NY, and we almost missed Christmas.

I can easily see how people screw up the TSA baggage check. I forgot I had a tube of facial scrub in the front pocket and almost had a problem. Same with a tube of hand cream on another trip. Yet the time I forgot I had a box cutter in my purse, I didn’t have any trouble at all. My hand cream got confiscated on the same trip my husband got an iron pipe through in his bag.
Monica recently posted..It’s probably a good thing Devon didn’t kill me

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:33 pm

FUCKING CONTINENTAL. Worst. Airline.

I have never had a good experience on Continental. Consistently lose baggage, consistent assholes, consistently late.

FUCK them.

Chunky Mama January 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

On my last flight from Raleigh, NC to Los Angeles, (so a good 5 HOURS) the guy in the seat next to me picked his nose – one finger in EACH nostril – during 75% of the trip.
Chunky Mama recently posted..Holiday Musings

Chunky Mama January 4, 2012 at 2:32 pm

PS Grown man, no relation to me or the guy on the other side of him.
Chunky Mama recently posted..Holiday Musings

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:34 pm

That’s some dedication to nose-pickery. Wow…

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Motivated!! Dedicated!!

Dana the Biped January 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The first time I went to the UK, I flew back on the day the US declared war on Iraq. Scary day to fly. I was travelling with some friends, one of whom was Mike the Deer-Puncher, who had purchased a miniature Excalibur–and put it in his carry-on. As we wound our way through security in Edinburgh, the security lady said, “Ach, you’ve got a wee sword ‘ere.” And asked him to check the bag. That was it–no pat-down, no detainment, not even a stern look. Then we got to Chicago, and there were men with big guns EVERYWHERE.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Another Trip to the ER, Still No George Clooney

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:36 pm

When I flew back from Scotland, I was still so drunk that I couldn’t understand the gate agent and she had to write down what she needed on post-its. I have left a shameful image of myself in the UK.

Heather Rose January 5, 2012 at 8:54 am

Oh man … when I flew to Israel, 5am-still-drunk-from-the-night-before-Heather decided to tell the Israeli interrogators that she speaks Hebrew. Then ramble on – in Hebrew – about being from Baltimore and having a monkey. I didnt, but my vocabulary was kind of limited. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m on some sort of Israeli watch list.
Heather Rose recently posted..TSA: Truly Sick Authority

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I love that because your vocab was limited, you ended up ‘owning’ a monkey. I want to be that cool.

Kim January 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Recently, I flew to Charlotte, NC with my husband. Going through security both directions, I got flagged for the super special xray machine and government pat down. One TSA woman was so thorough as to inspect my hair tie. Yep, I’m hiding knives in my hair tie, lady. My husband snickered a little both times.

I learned last week when flying back to Texas from Charlotte that you are not allowed to carry tools over 7 inches long. Sorry, Dad. We borrowed your socket wrench and it now lives at the airport!

A note to fellow air travelers: Tights != pants, and I do not want to see your crack or your hoo-hah. Wear some real pants.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Watch out, or this scrunchie is going to fucking blow.

Andi January 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I’ve been singled out exactly once — for a special once-over of my shoes. My boring, black flats that couldn’t hide anything more exciting than a couple of dollar bills. Really? I normally fly with heavy black Docs (with orthopedic inserts), a complete nail kit including scissors, enough small electronics to necessitate their own bin and none of this gets me flagged.

I’m also the person who would be perfectly ok with disrobing completely if asked by the TSA. My experience with people who try to make you uncomfortable is that the best thing to do is to make THEM even more uncomfortable, thereby serving as both a warning and an example. I think the TSA people sense this and avoid riling me.
Andi recently posted..Yo Ho Ho and a Pirate Dress!

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Grace often gets specially detained to private rooms to disrobe certain parts of her body, but it’s even more fun in the German airport, where you don’t go to another room–you just undress in front of the whole airpot.

Germans: If you’re going to terrorize us, you will be publicly humiliated prior.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Damn straight. Ya wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts!! (In my case–literally!!)

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm

That is no shit. The best way to fuck an authoritarian type is to follow their instructions to the letter. If they want to see my toolbox, I’ll show them the goods.

Johi January 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

So you’re saying that I should leave my rainstick at home next time?

Can I at least bring my hatchet?

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Please do. Also, take photos!

Grace January 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Hold the phone folks. ..the Gavin/Montgomery clan will be traveling together THIS FRIDAY MORNING! There will be much tweeting about our excursion on a “meth-ed out bald eagle” come Friday. Just prepare yourselves, folks. We will start the assholery with a ride to the airport via ex KGB agents in *I hope* a Kia Soul (sans gerbils) I will be updating while being strip searched and vehemently denying that I am, in fact, on a terror watch list due to one unfortunate incident in Amarillo. Noa will be making snarky comments to ill behaved children, while trying to creatively “punish” them. And will probably be joining me on said terror list before we leave security. Both of our husbands will be actively trying to be drunk by the time we make it off a 45 minute flight. And to add to the fun of the weekend, we are printing 150 “Rafiki Deans” and hiding them all over my grandmother’s house for people to randomly “discover” , should be a good time. Y’all ready???????

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I FORGOT THAT YOU’RE ON THE AMARILLO WATCH LIST.

I can’t fucking wait.

Also, you can now follow Grace’s adventure on Twitter @mcslacks.

KiwiKat January 12, 2012 at 2:19 am

What’s a Rafiki Dean?
KiwiKat recently posted..Sigh. Nope. No Summer After All.

Jackie G January 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm

My husband is military, so we end up flying a lot for moves, visits, holidays, whatever. Without fail every single time, some douchecanoe with the worlds biggest carry on luggage ever throws a bitch fit because, strangely enough, his body bag of a carry on somehow won’t fit in the tiny overhead compartment on the world’s tiniest PROPELLER PLANE that goes from Rapid City, South-Fucking-Hell Dakota to Denver. I’m sorry, my left tit is bigger than this plane, how did you think that would fit on here? Why do you have so many items? Why is the 20$ checked bag fee too expensive for you!? I don’t get it.

Speaking of my left tit, I did get felt up via TSA on my way from Virginia back to South Dakota because, and I quote, “my chest area is large and therefore suspicious.” It basically consisted of a full frontal chest rub down, and ended with them lifting my bra off my body and shaking it. Surprisingly, no grenades fell out. Must have left them in my other suspiciously large chest.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I keep coming back and re-reading this comment because it might be the funniest goddamn thing I’ve ever read. Holy shit, Jackie, Holy shit.

Jackie G January 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

This just made my LIFE. I was going to say year but there have only been 9 days so far so that sounds kind of shitty and passive aggressive of me.

So, LIFE.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:15 am

My family talked about your comment this weekend. You’re so fucking funny.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Great comment.

What’s even more baffling is how pissy people get when their mondo bag from hell is green-tagged and the ground crew takes it and stows it with the other luggage in the baggage compartment. When you get off at the other end, your green-tagged bag is waiting for you right where you get off the plane. That’s a lot more convenient than trying and failing to stash that monster in the overhead bin or under the seat, as if it would ever fit.

I just don’t get why people get so fucked-up over that. Considering that they’re blowing a half-dozen rules straight to hell by trying to bring that monstrosity on board, I’d say the airline is being pretty goddamn nice about it. Even if the airline worker is being pissy, take it as a learning experience. The world does not start and stop at your convenience, ya fucks.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 4, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Oh god. I very vividly got an image of you laughing your ass off about the rainstick and the sight of it was so funny that I started cracking the fuck up and then my family looked at me like I was crazy. So thanks. Thanks for making my family think I need to be committed.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:28 pm

This is why we’re friends. I bring out the honesty in you.

Grace January 4, 2012 at 11:04 pm

I once sat under a very large person on a plane. We both had our own seats, but this lady was not built for air travel, and because of this I now know what it is like to sit squashed beneth an elephant for three hours.

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I am so glad I’ve never had to do that.

sars! January 4, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I wish I had fun travel stories but I do get to live through my white collar job having brother. Who though heavily tattooed keeps that shit covered while traveling as he has only been on one flight in his entire adult life (Logan no less…. hmmm, and I wonder how real terrorists got past) all because he is on the homeland security list for buying calanders from a co-op in Oakland that supports an anarchist book press. Wow, he’s a hard core terrorist that mechanical engineer from a college town. Damn.
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Grace is on a terror watch list because she made a cop cry in Amarillo, Texas.

Cyprium January 5, 2012 at 8:13 pm

How do you make a Texas cop cry?
*Currently picturing Lou Gosset Jr in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ yelling about what comes out of Texas*

Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:54 pm

She called him a “ginger bitch.”

Weirdly, on our flight home today, they pulled her aside for a special screening. WHO KNEW.

Cyprium January 10, 2012 at 3:14 am

As a ginger, I still can’t see how that could reduce anyone to tears. He was a pussy and should not be in charge of sleeping kittens.
However, if I was constantly searched by the almighty TSA agents, I would force myself to become flatulent. I would eat every food in my memory banks that turned me into a gassy cow. I can NOT stand to be touched by people that I do not know. If it was something that happened regularly I would find a way to punish them in the worse possible way. So TSA dude, how did you like that cheesy air biscuit? Chewy you say? hmm…if you are still hungry, I have more cooking for you.

And on an unrelated note:
I was driving across I-4 when this idiot woman cut me off…I loudly exclaimed that she was a twat-waffle. (I use the new addition to my vocabulary quite well, and I learned it on this web site!) From the back seat, my 11 year old daughter laughs and laughs, and then she says “Twat-waffle is a great word”. I don’t get to say it when I have passengers in the car anymore, and I had to explain that it was a bad word, all while trying to hide a tickled smirk. What made it worse was my mother sitting in the passenger seat glaring at me like I had just committed some form of child abuse. I am amazed at how little she remembers what came out of HER mouth when I was a child. My mother could string together so many foul words in one breath she could make a sailor blush.
Thanks for the new word though! I still get to yell it out when I am driving alone :p

Pish Posh January 5, 2012 at 1:58 am

Oh god meth-head Eagle. Nice. I can’t even think of my worst travel experiences right now because I will get all pissed off and not be able to sleep. But recently, a woman held up the entire line at the gate because she had 5 bags. Not purses, bags. 5 ginormous carryons and she started bitching back at the stewardess for saying she could only have 2 carryons. Like is this the first time you’ve flown on a plane? You didn’t see any of the 142 signs about baggage? You didn’t notice that not one other person is walking around the airport with five carry-ons? You just thought maybe you’d take up a whole row of luggage compartment and throw a fit to someone who’s doing their job and make the whole line wait for you to repack your shit? WTF do you need 5 bags on the flight for? — Some other time I’ll tell you MY celebrity story of being puked on and meeting the lead singer of Def Leppard. Anyway, flying makes me hate humanity. And that is all.

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:31 pm

That’s more what I don’t understand–there are signs literally EVERYWHERE that tell you what you can and cannot bring on, how to do so, and what will happen if you don’t obey. You can’t miss them, so do they just think, “Oh, surely they’ll let ME through?” NO. NO THEY WILL NOT.

Cyprium January 5, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I can’t tell you how many flights I have gotten on with my cigarette lighter in my pants pocket, or down in my pocketbook. I have never, not once, had any of TSA’s finest locate and confiscate my lighter. And the awesome thing is, I have never actually tried to hide it. I have only once intentionally taken it with me, and that was the time I tossed it into my purse. I actually always packed matches for that reason.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:15 am

TSA found lotion on Grace’s hands today, and took her to a special room to search her for the third time. HOORAY!

Rosie January 5, 2012 at 7:50 am

Was stuffed between a morbidly obese couple who won’t switch seats (“Would you two like to sit next to one another?” Oh, no thanks.) The armrests can’t be put down because there is NO ROOM. The blubber is smooshing you from both sides. Blubber is for insulation. It’s HOT. When window-seat wife needs to get up for the restroom, you realize their sweat has drenched through your jeans the full length of your thighs.

The only thing acceptable about this is that it happened to my husband, not me.

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:32 pm

HRRRRRRRRCCKCKKKKKKKCKCKCKKCK.

Just gagged.

Cyprium January 5, 2012 at 8:11 pm

oh god oh god oh god oh god.
I would have DEMANDED that they sit next to each other. To all of the people who think that fat people are being discriminated against when they are forced to buy an extra seat, be the person that has to be stuffed between two of them.
*taking muscle relaxer – be right back*

Ok, so yeah, tell your husband that he should sue the airline for therapy sessions for when he has an all out anxiety attack the next time he sees two overweight people in one location.

Cyprium January 5, 2012 at 8:07 pm

So I was on a plane a couple of years ago, right? And I was in what could be considered a van with wings. There were two seats, then three in the middle, and then two more seats. I was in the window seat. There was this pert blonde woman sitting beside me. Her husband was in the middle row, just on the other side of the aisle from me. He was mildly attractive, but not hot enough to bother flirting with. When they first came to their seats, he was sitting next to me. She gave me an eat shit and die look, and actually said, “get up! you are sitting there!” and pointed to the middle row seat. Apparently I am so fucking hot that the two hour flight could have wrecked their marriage. So the pert blonde bitch is sitting beside me and decides that she wants to stretch out. She gets up, gets a pillow and blanket (fucking really??? for a 2 hour flight????) from the flight attendant, turns her back to me and proceeds to put her fucking legs over the arm of the chair, across the aisle and onto her husband’s lap. At this point, she puts the pillow behind her head and lays back on ME!

Now, if you have read ANY of my comments you will know that I am a complete freak about being touched by strangers, germs, children, animals or anything that I did not willingly pick up. I immediately went into panic/self defense mode and while yelling “oh my GAWD, get off me, what the hell are you doing??” pushed her a little harder than I intended and she slid off of her seat and into the space between the seat of her chair and the chair in front of us.

What in the FUCK is wrong with people??? I don’t snuggle strangers, or lay my head in their lap, or on their shoulder, why should anyone do that to me??? I love flying, but do people have no common sense? Do they have no concept of the people around them that are just trying to get to their destination? I don’t care where the other people are going. Its kind of obvious that we are all going to the same general location. GAH!

Are your kids brats? How about lets just pretend they are having issues with allergies, or better yet, assume that they will have issues with allergies in the destination location and give them a nice dose of benydryl as you are getting to the airport. A little antihistamine never hurt anyone that wasn’t allergic to antihistamine.

This is just one horror story of being stuffed in a plane with a lunatic – lots of miles in my history, lots of lunatic stories. :)

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:17 am

The worst I ever had in that respect was a woman on a flight to NY who fell over in her sleep onto me and got violently shoved back into the window. Then she snored.

Heather January 5, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I hate flying so when I do it I have to be heavily medicated. And then I drink on the plane just to kick start the drugs.
I was flying once with a friend of mine. I was on the aisle, she was in the middle, and a woman we did not know (yet) was next to the window.
I turned to my friend at one point and said, “Hey! I’m drunk. And I’m high. I’m DRY.”
Then I laughed myself silly and decided we needed to make a new friend. I elbowed my travel companion (who just kept wishing I’d go ahead and pass out already) and said (in a stage whisper), “FIND OUT HER NAME.”
My friend turned to the stranger and said, “my friend would like to know your name.” Meanwhile, I waved at her like someone who was not sitting 18 inches away.
If I remember correctly, her name was Jodi.

So, I guess my air travel story was one in which I starred as the annoying person on the plane.
Heather recently posted..I’m a little bit rock & roll too. But Marie’s bob was to DIE for.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

We got to land in a storm today. I was almost screaming on the descent. We even got the “Flight attendants take your seats” announcement that means SHIT IS GETTING REAL.

Not okay.

I may or may not have shouted “I’ll say fuck if I want to, this bitch is going down,” on a plane this weekend.

Bill G. January 15, 2012 at 9:04 pm

2 years ago, I was landing in Denver in a rain storm. Just before touching down on the runway, the pilot firewalled the engine and we went around. I was scared because I knew we were in a dangerous situation, most people didn’t. I don’t know what the pilot saw that made him go around (and I probably don’t want to know) but I’m damn glad he did.

As an aerospace engineer, I know that MANY plane crashes have occurred from pilots being single-minded about landing the jet in an unsafe situation when they should’ve went to full power on the engines, went around, and tried again. Several people around me started complaining about the time wasted by having to go around and try again. I snapped and started chewing people out, telling them, “Do you know how many people have fucking died in plane crashes due to a pilot being bent on landing when he should’ve gone around? The pilot just saw a dangerous situation and just SAVED OUR ASSES, so FUCK YOU if you don’t like it!” I’m pretty sure that the only reason a flight attendant didn’t come around to tell me to quiet down is they were strapped in their seats, which doesn’t happen unless there’s some real shit going on. OK, that and the fact that I was defending their aircrew. Nobody said much after that. Getting off the plane, I thanked the pilot for his decision to go around. In his world of fuel consumption, arrival times, and flight schedules, it’s not always easy to make the right decision.

NCT January 8, 2012 at 3:50 am

What’s even funnier, regarding the Testicle Searching Affiliation:

Went to an IPSC match in AZ. I always get searched anyway, so I don’t worry too much. Flight home they did NOT search me and I was looking for change in my pockets to buy a magazine or something after my arrival back in Texas. Had three rounds of .45 LIVE in one of my pockets I’d forgotten about and they didn’t notice. I went to the local TSA gang and asked whaether I should file a report on the fact that I just flew with live ammo in my pocket and they looked at me like Superman seeing a big hunk of Kryptonite and no forms or reports needed to be filed. They were very emphatic about that. But hell, what kind of terrist would travel with 5 DECLARED firearms?

Interesting tidbit. If you fly with firearms and ammo, only YOU are allowed to lock and unlock your cases before boarding, so if you don’t want TSA rifling through your undies, always pack at least a firearm or two. They make you demonstrate that they are unloaded and ammo is separate, then they watch you lock the case(s) in front of them and it’s actually ILLEGAL to use a “tsa approved” lock for such purposes. Then you get to your destination and no loser TSA fag has dug through all your kit. Because he can’t without good bot cutters. Federal law, TSA can’t fuck with your bags if you have declared guns and ammo in them.

Word to the wise.

Man you shoulda seen how big them eyes got when I showed them the loose .45 rounds in my pocket that had just flown. PRICELESS. I had some free time and were they going to arrest me for an error that would make them look as stupid as they are? I risked it.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:19 am

They searched my bag this weekend because I had a bowl in it. SAFETY.

NCT January 12, 2012 at 6:38 pm

You could have been threatening childhood haircuts with the now legal “Scissors – metal with pointed tips and blades shorter than four inches”.

Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I suppose my giant zip bag full of flour didn’t help my case.

NCT January 8, 2012 at 3:58 am

Fun recent airline story number two, since we are here anyway. Buddy from college has a family that runs a game ranch near Durban. Went over to shoot the breeze and braii and maybe hunt and fish a bit. 22-24 hour flight with a stop in Senegal between Joburg and Atlanta. You can’t get off the plane in Senegal. They seated me next to a person who turned out to be a PETA type who had been on a “photo safari”, whatever the fuck that is. She asked to see some of the pictures on my phone and we were doing fine until we got to the picture of me standing next to a tarpon I’d caught. Christ, those people have NO sense of humor. Thank god she eventually asked to be changed seats away from me and they somehow managed on a full flight. I wasn’t teasing her or anything but she sure acted like I was satan incarnate. People go to RSA for a lot of things, but I don’t think she should have been shocked that some people actually hunt and fish over there just like in Texas.

I really wanted to tease the fuck out of her but 22-24 hours on the same plane, didn’t seem a good idea.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:22 am

OH PETA.

I have too many rants for that shit.

Bill G. January 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I know what you mean. I work with a lady that’s vegan. If you want to just eat vegetables, it’s all good, knock yourself out, have a great day. What drives everybody batshit is that she has to constantly air her unsolicited political opinions about it to everybody in the office, and she’s always really pissy about it. It’s getting her in trouble at work and there will be a party when she’s fired.

When my dad ran a restaurant, this is what he said about vegetarians: “If you want me to cook up 30 cents worth of vegetables in butter and charge you $14 for it, I can do that!”

Enough on that, sorry to Noa for running off-topic.

Jaime January 9, 2012 at 10:44 pm

there’s an airport in Canada where there is a big plastic box in the middle of it that gives examples of things you can’t bring on an airplane with you. In this box (I shit you not) is:

– a snowblower
– a shovel
– one of those little propane camping laterns
– a chainsaw

now… IMO those seem like perfectly reasonable things that you should not bring on an airplane with you… but the sad part is that someone at SOME point did try to bring these things on a plane.. and that’s why they are in the box.
Jaime recently posted..this cold has zapped my funny

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:23 am

We saw a guy try to bring a crossbow through security! NO SIR.

Bill G. January 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I saw something like that, but I couldn’t tell you what airport (it was in the USA). There was a board mounted with stuff that they actually confiscated. It included a bunch of different pepper sprays, two full-size swords, a whole array of huge knives (like hunting knives, including a 14″ Bowie knife), several sets of nunchucks, Oriental throwing stars, large rotary saw blades, and several hatchets and axes. I called it the Redneck Starter Kit and the TSA guy didn’t think that was funny at all.

Bill G. January 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Flying into Seoul, S. Korea was interesting. When you go through customs, there’s glass partitions separating lines that you queue up in. After a 14 hour flight from LAX (flight landed at 6 AM), I was so tired and loopy that I walked right into a glass partition where I was supposed to turn a corner. My head hurt and it was a real effort to act normal for the lady looking at my passport and airline tickets. A guy in a suit came up and I had to talk to him for several minutes to convince him that I was OK.

Flying out of Seoul was interesting. When I checked in for my flight and checked my luggage, they told me to go sit on a bench for 5 minutes. No other instructions, just go sit for 5 minutes. I watched the clock, then got up and headed for security. Since nobody from the Mod Squad grabbed me, I figured everything was OK. Even weirder was that, at the jetway, you think you’re walking to get right on the plane. Oh no, the jetway leads you to a room with two rows of tables and a dozen security people who look through your carry-on stuff and ask questions. Bonus security, oh yay! Just when some guy in a suit was opening my backpack and asking what the purpose of my visit was, the lady right behind me starts making a total scene. She was saying that this is all a bunch of shit, we’ve already been through Security, this was harassment, she was going to sue Korean Airlines, and she was being loud. It was great for me because the guy handed me back my backpack without even looking at anything and told me that I’m free to board. Then he walked over to her to join several other security people that surrounded her. Thanks for running interference, lady, you made my trip through that last bit of security much easier. I have no idea if she ever got on. As much as you hate going through security, just roll with it. Of course, it’s much easier to think like then when you’re on the clock for your job making $40/hr not including overtime. I also figured that getting detained in a foreign country would not be good.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:14 am

In Germany, if they think you are carrying a gun through their FOURTH security points, they’ll make you drop trou. True story.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Great. I’ll make sure to “accidentally” pull down my shorts to half-mast, then give them the full-Monty when I bend over while asking, “What’s that on the floor?” If they wanna see my plump ass, I’ll give them the full experience.

CoreyFerns March 25, 2012 at 5:33 am

I just had a moment imagining what it would be like having a rain stick stuck in a conveyor belt and then some bloke in a really long white robe and even longer white beard coming up and going..

‘THOU SHALT NOT PASS’…

The coincidence..and Tom Fuckery would truly be epic.

Also, would be fun if German Security had a sense of humour.

“It’s not a gun in my pocket sir, I’m just VERY happy to see you”

Try doing a Cavity search after that you awkward fucker, ha!
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I would have LOVED if it were Gandalf. I might have died of geekgasm.

Pharmc458 June 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Hello! dkdfddc interesting dkdfddc site! I’m really like it! Very, very dkdfddc good!

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: