Texts To People I Shouldn’t Speak To: Nursery Rhymes

01/09/2012 · 77 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

Bitches be crazy, y’all. What other nursery rhymes do you know that are really fucked up or just plain weird?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: “It really is like A League of Their Own, but with less baseball and Madonna.”


Ally January 9, 2012 at 12:44 am

Ring around the fucking rosies.

That nursery rhyme still creeps me out. Making jingles about diseases is not ok.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:00 am

A sore is on my butthole,
it looks just like a mole,
I got it in Tijuana,
I shouldn’t have gotten in that Honda.

Liz January 9, 2012 at 1:26 am

How about the dysfunctional piggies.
1 went to the market while another stayed home (agoraphobic, perhaps?)
1 ate roast beef while the other one ate none (anorexic ?)
And then we have the pig and his recreational GHB use causing a loss of bladder control thus the wee wee weeeeeeing all the way home.

Jen January 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Or the Chub Chaser, Jack Sprat? What kind of Jerry Springer skullfuckery is that?
Jen recently posted..‘Toke ‘Em if you Got ‘Em!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:05 am

Hey, they licked that platter clean ho. At least one of them still has arteries.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:03 am

@Liz: That now just makes me think of Geico, which makes me rageful like I have never known.

Robyn January 9, 2012 at 2:15 am

That chick that’s in her garden..making her garden grow. We know what she’s really growing, hidden in the weeds and shit..

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 9, 2012 at 7:48 am

But you see, Mary Mary has Quite the Contrary nature. She’s just trying to keep it mellow, yo…
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..I Knew A Guy Who Thought That "Juxtaposition" Was A Sexy Word. That Date Didn’t Last Long.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

Did you know that’s about Bloody Mary? I think. Maybe Mary Queen of Scots. Wikipedia was little help.

Robyn January 10, 2012 at 1:14 am

She might be mellow, but I’d like to kick her in the cooter and steal her weed. We’ll see how contrary she is after that!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:06 am

@Robyn: Mary Mary Quite Contrary because that bitch has some sweet weed.

Robyn January 10, 2012 at 1:13 am

Yeah, but I bet that biatch doesn’t share! She is quite contrary, afterall!

Abby January 9, 2012 at 6:35 am

Little Miss Muffet…let’s start with the name, shall we? Porn star.
Curds in whey? Who eats that shit?
Arachnophobia and social anxiety disorder to boot.
Bitch has problems.
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Jen January 9, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I think the spiders were all just a hallucination after weeks on some jacked-up Atkins curds-n-whey diet. Ketosis will make you whickety-whack, yo.
Jen recently posted..‘Toke ‘Em if you Got ‘Em!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:10 am

Also, the PCP she must have been on.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:09 am

@Abby: I’m pretty sure those “curds in whey” has had some rough mental side effects on Muffet.

Mayor Gia January 9, 2012 at 6:41 am

1. Hey Diddle Diddle
Me: Um, cow? You jumped over the moon? Aren’t you a bit…hefty to be doing that?
Cow: Hey FUCK YOU. That’s slang for tripping anyway. I was as hiiiiigh as a kiiiiiiite girlfriend!

2. Humpty Dumpty
Me: Hey, so what happened on the wall?
Humpty: I flung myself to my death.
Me: Why?
Humpty: What would you do if you were named HUMPTY DUMPTY
Me: Good point.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Sister’s Birthday

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 9, 2012 at 10:14 am

And of course they couldn’t put Humpty together again, they had horses helping. Horses can’t put eggs back together, everyone knows this. They wanted Humpty to stay dead. He must have know which king’s men were having secret affairs with each other, or with the horses.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

@Gia: I knew a lady who had a tramp stamp of a cow because then “it was jumping over the moon.” I couldn’t even feign interest.

ColinP January 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm

What about the humpty-hump?
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Maria A Ortiz January 9, 2012 at 6:49 am

There’s a whole list of them! With their origins! Have fun with THAT!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

I had to go through that list last night to try and remember a few–there were several that I barely contained my horror at.

Mandi E. January 9, 2012 at 6:49 am

What about the dude going to St. Ives? I don’t know where this mythical place is, but apparently, there’s some kind of polygamist sect near there with a serious cat fetish. I’m sure that compound smells delightful.

Also, I distinctly remember The House That Jack Built having more credits than your average Hollywood blockbuster, and none of them seemed to do anything useful.

Oh, and my personal favorite – Hey Diddle Diddle. In my world, the only business a cat has with a fiddle is using its guts as strings. But when you take into consideration the cow, the dog, and a surprisingly mobile place setting, it’s probably all just a bad acid trip. Like Alice in Wonderland if Alice routinely dropped tabs of acid in her kid’s porridge.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:13 am

For some reason, The House That Jack Built always sounds like a really rough Poetry Slam reading in my head. I don’t know why–I’ve never heard it like that. I also have the same connotation of intonation with the word Notorious.

Lori January 9, 2012 at 6:59 am


Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:15 am

Thank you!!

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 9, 2012 at 7:51 am

Little Jack Horner’s got some issues. Apparently, his most validating attribute is his ability to stick his thumb in a pie. At least for now it’s just his thumb…
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..I Knew A Guy Who Thought That "Juxtaposition" Was A Sexy Word. That Date Didn’t Last Long.

Kelly January 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

And then he grew up and changed his name to Jason Biggs.
Kelly recently posted..As if the new CROP of gray hairs wasn’t enough…

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:17 am

BAM. There it is.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:16 am

@Jillian: My favorite line: “WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I!” He’s got a future in fetish porn, that one.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

Well, his last name is “Horner.” Too easy?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..I Knew A Guy Who Thought That "Juxtaposition" Was A Sexy Word. That Date Didn’t Last Long.

Misty January 9, 2012 at 7:58 am

Mary and her lamb:
Mary: Would you just leave me the fuck alone! Why do you keep following me?
Sheep: Baaaaaaa
Mary: Fuck my life.

Little Jack Horner:
Hey Jack! Why don’t you share that fucking pie? It’s Christmas after all!
Jack: Snarf, Chomp, Slurp, Nom nom nom.
Fucking greedy bastard.

Here we go round the mulberry bush: Basically a tutorial about how a bitch needs to give it up for morning sexy time, then get her ass to work doing all the housework. And fix me a sammich’, ho!

This one needs no explanation (this is a real nursery rhyme):
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don’t hurt her,
She’ll do me no harm.
So I’ll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary
Admit it, Mary, you are a Madame, right?
Mary: What the hell do you think bells, cockleshells, and pretty maids lined up means? What, are you Vice? Because, no then. I am a business woman and this is just a place for social mingling. Not vice? Oh, ok. That will be $250. Second door on the right. Enjoy!

I was not previously aware of this one . . . so basically, I am a whore:
One misty, moisty morning,
When cloudy was the weather,
I chanced to meet an old man
Clothed all in leather.
He began to compliment,
And I began to grin,
How do you do?
And how do you do?
And how do you do, again?
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:19 am

I tried to text that pussy for a solid hour, but it was too messed up, even for me. And I will watch a Paula Deen Donkey Show.

iampisspot January 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

Not sure if this one is American, but I regularly sang it at primary school, here in the UK:

“Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She shall have music wherever she goes”

I’m sorry, ride a what????

With all that cock/horse riding, I’m sure that as well as music wherever she goes, she also has charges of beastiality and an array of sexual diseases.

Mandi E. January 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I was going to post that one too, but it’s so obscure that I figured everyone would assume that I’m high again.
Mandi E. recently posted..Zombie Jobs and Dragon Bill Gates – Your Monday Recipe Review

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:20 am

@Pisspot: We have that one too, but it is less well-known. It’s also fucking hilarious, and horrifying. I will be riding no cockhorses. Shit will rupture a colon.

LKat January 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

“Sheepkick your ass????” Freaking hilarious. You really said that. Huh. I work with sheep almost every day in my graduate program and that is all I will be thinking about when I see them today….
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:22 am

I’m sorry you have to work with sheep. Some of the dumbest animals I have ever encountered.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:23 am

I say that having raised lambs for 4 years. Not out of an arbitrary petting zoo experience.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 9, 2012 at 10:05 am

Little Boy Blue:

Me: You weren’t REALLY “blowing YOUR horn” now, were you?

Blue: Yes!

Me: YOUR horn?

Blue: Okay, no…

Me: Is that why the sheep and the cows were trying to get the hell away from you?

Blue: Maybe…
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:24 am

Autofellatio for the WIN, Danielle!

Kelly January 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

Cry Baby Bunting
Daddy’s gone a’hunting
To get a little rabbit skin
To wrap the Baby Bunting in.

Er, Silence of the Rabbits, perhaps? IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So the poor little doggie had none.
And then she went to the welfare office.

I’ve no time to plead and pine
I’ve no time to wheedle
Kiss me quick, and then I’m gone
Pop! Goes the weasel”

Is it really appropriate to be talking about blue balls in a nursery rhyme? I think NOT.
Kelly recently posted..As if the new CROP of gray hairs wasn’t enough…

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:25 am


When I hear Pop goes the weasel, I just imagine someone beating a ferret into a wall. I assume that’s not at all what they mean.

Kelly January 10, 2012 at 10:59 am

I don’t like to think of exploding rodents, but that version just had boner written all over it.
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Charity Woosley January 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

Awww. I spewed coffee on my office computer @ ‘sheeprage’


Happy Monday, Bitches!
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:25 am

Happy SheepMonday!

Monica January 9, 2012 at 11:06 am

Poor Bo Peep. That happened to me once.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:25 am

Was Jack more fun in person?

Monica January 10, 2012 at 8:53 am

Jack whines like a little bitch.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Well fuck that guy.

Andi January 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

Georgie Porgie always gave me the creeps. Kissed the girls and made them cry, huh? WTF were you really doing. OF COURSE he ran away when the other boys came out — probably afraid they’d kick his ass for molesting their girlfriends. Asshat.

Also, that pease porridge shit? My roommate once left spaghetti in a pot for nine days and I can honestly say DON’T EAT THAT. That’s what all that mold growing there is for. It’s like a frigging warning sign, “Bitch, you gonna get food poisoning.”
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:26 am

Apparently, Georgie was based on a King of England! That asshole RAN THE WORLD. No thank you, weirdly rape-y nursery rhyme!

Mamy January 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Stupid mice…if you are blind why would you run after someone who can manhandle knives all day to butcher chickens?

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:27 am

You’d think they’d make some sighted friends after a while.

Dana the Biped January 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

“What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That’s what little boys are made of !”

Um, I really don’t think it’s appropriate to talking about little boys’ snips and snails, perv.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:27 am

Also, being crafted from docked puppy tails is some ASPCA-fucked-up shit.

Jen January 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm

MARY: OK, the next motherfucker who calls me “contrary” is gonna get kicked in the cockle shells so hard their children will be born dizzy!
Jen recently posted..‘Toke ‘Em if you Got ‘Em!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:28 am

I think, if I remember, that it was based on Bloody Mary. She’d really fuck you up.

bschooled January 9, 2012 at 2:27 pm

HA! “I will Sheepkick your ass” is my new safe word.

Wait, what?

Fuck, I really need to get a new joke.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:29 am

To be fair, SheepKick is a good safe word. There is no sexual practice I know of called a sheep kick, but I could just be sheltered.

tova January 9, 2012 at 2:45 pm

OMG this reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where they sing “rockabye baby” and Maggie visualizes the song. That shit is disturbing!

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:29 am

It’s fucking horrifying.

Charity Woosley January 9, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Still laughing.
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:29 am

YESSSS!! Thanks for returning to let me know!

Pish Posh January 9, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Georgie Porgie is creepy:

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

Sounds like a sociopathic rapist to me. What’s with the pudding and pie making girls cry? Sounds like Silence of the Lambs. It puts the pudding in the basket…

Also wtf is up with Three Blind Mice?

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
As three blind mice?

When have you ever seen mice chasing people, and what’s with the Lorena Bobbit chop chop?

Nice way to rock your kids to sleep – here’s this fat kid no one likes who face rapes girls and hides from boys, and here’s a visually challenged rodent attack butcher knife Saw 3 hack job.

And I’m sorry but Hey Diddle, Diddle is the creepiest acid trip of all.

Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:30 am

Aw, c’mon, the dish just wanted to spoon.


Dana the Biped January 10, 2012 at 9:50 am

Badum chick!
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:34 pm

A-thank you.

nadine January 9, 2012 at 11:25 pm

my favorite children’s tales growing up were the dark ones. like hansel and gretel. burn, bitch, burn! that is what happens to molesters and abductors!
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Noa January 10, 2012 at 12:31 am

I like that your childhood was like a cartoon version of “the brave one.”

The Ka January 10, 2012 at 6:20 am

Well, Peter Pumpkin Eater pretty much tells us how to use our gardens to dispose of a body. Those will be some lush pumpkins, come next fall! Worse, Wikipedia says an older version of the rhyme ended with him letting “the mice eat her.” EAT. HER. Thanks for the nightmare, nursery rhymes!

Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I think Law and Order is getting plot lines from Nursery Rhymes.

Myth January 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm

This is completely and utterly off-topic and unrelated, but you simply must know, Noa. YOU MUST.

I was talking to my best friend about her/our science teacher, Mr. Britton. (I don’t physically go to class; instead I get tutored at home, and thus haven’t even met “my” science teacher.) I’ve told you about Mr. Britton before—he’s the “entire gay bar crammed into the confines of one man,” “dressed up as a butt pirate” geology and astronomy teacher. (Ironically, it was the sarcastic English teacher who was named Mr. Gaylord.) So my BFF and I are discussing him, and I said I’m incredibly disappointed that I can’t be in his class, because “it’s probably crazy awesome.” Her response? “Oh, trust me, it so fucking is. He asks for our feedback on his lessons and tells us we should suggest weird-ass teaching methods he can employ to make things more… interesting.” After I was done sobbing over this missed opportunity, I asked her what her favorite “weird-ass teaching method” lesson was. She said, “Well, this one time, he taught us a whole chapter’s worth of material using nothing but interpretive dance.”

I tried to picture it. I really did try. But how THE FUCK do you teach ASTRONOMY with interpretive dance? Of course, as I’m trying to imagine it, my friend adds, “Also, there was glitter involved.” Holy shit, Noa. I wish there was a video on YouTube somewhere because I want to fucking see this, and I know everybody else does too. Holy shit.

Misty January 10, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Holy fucking shit, that sounds epically hysterical!! I actually laughed when I read “interpretive dance.” I laughed even harder when you added “glitter.”

Ok, that’s it. You are now tasked to get into that class by any. means. necessary! If you don’t, jeebus help me, I will find a way to do it my damn self!

And you must provide video.

Ok . . . GO!
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

@Myth: THE BUTT PIRATE! I got so excited reading that. There MUST be photos somewhere. I task you with that.

@Misty: Interpretive dance is appropriate for everything but proctology.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 11, 2012 at 7:22 pm

See these. Tears. Rolling down my face.

I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

Thanks, bitch. Thanks so much.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Thank YOU for thinking I am funny.

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