Lessons In Being An A-Hole: Sorry, Grace

01/11/2012 · 104 comments

in Grace,Love,My Family Is Strikingly Odd.,Psychological Warfare

Grace,

I’m sorry for this weekend when we were sitting next to each other on a very full flight and I shouted, “I WILL SAY FUCK IF I WANT TO, DAMNIT. THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN.” I’m sorry I made the guy next to me choke on his drink when I said it. In my defense, the plane was going the fuck down.

I’m sorry of the time we were asked to leave TJ Maxx because they thought my interpretive posing of clothing options was inappropriate. I’m sorry that the outfit the manager caught me in was a hot-pink, zebra-striped, ribbed and knitted onesie. I’m sorry I lost the pictures of that event.

I’m sorry for when I was 6 and I clogged up your ceiling fan by tossing my underpants into it. However, when I timed it right and the panties were whipped into your face while you slept, it was the funniest shit I have ever seen.

I’m sorry for that time you had to save my life while tubing down the Guadalupe River and after 9 hours of beers I took a header down some rocks and sliced my belly all up. I’m sorry I was less concerned about my life and much more concerned about my flip-flop. I’m sorry I stood up out of the river before I knew what happened, making me look like a murder victim, and made some girl on the riverbank throw up. I’m not sorry for the kickass scar I got for doing that.

Sorry for saying, “But Grace, no one will look at the BACK of my head,” in Jr. High. I know how embarrassed you were to be seen with me and my horrific nest of shitty hair. That’s why I did it.

I’m sorry for the time I told the waitress in La Hacienda that “the fajitas smell like balls” and that “it’s hotter than a yeti’s nutsack in this joint.” She laughed, though.

Sorry for that time when you gave me a wedgie AND MY PANTIES RIPPED AND INSTEAD I JUST WENT ROCKETING FACE-FIRST TO THE FLOOR AND ALMOST BROKE MY NOSE.

I’m sorry for that time I laughed at you when you were attacked by a goose while driving to school. I’m sorry I didn’t even try to help because the image of you, covered in feathers and screaming in abject horror remains one of my fondest memories of you. HONK HONK, YOU CRAZY BITCH.

I’m sorry for the time you fell asleep on Spaceship Earth at DisneyWorld (the most boring ride in the world) and I woke you up by fake-screaming in terror as we rounded a corner into a very dark room filled with animatronic Egyptians. I’m not sorry that for about 5 seconds, you thought we went back in time.

I’m sorry for that time we sang spirituals in mouse voices, followed by Robert Goulet voices, followed by the voice of someone with severe voice-box damage for 5 hours on a trip home from New Mexico. Sorry I keep texting you excerpts of those songs to remind you. (“Swing looooooooooowwwwwwwww.”)

I’m sorry that when you were watching me when I was 5, I, while in the nude, evaded capture by you for 2 hours by systematically hiding around the house followed by periods of sprinting madly throughout the neighborhood.

Sorry for the time we met our stepbrothers for the first time and I made it my personal mission to make you incredibly uncomfortable by saying the most terrible things possible. I’m not sorry for the fact that our stepbrothers are fucking rad and thought it was awesome.

I’m sorry I spent an entire road trip shouting terrible things and weird noises at your OnStar system, and now it no longer asks you anything because it’s had enough of my shit.

Sorry I taught Siri to address you as “Dick McPickle” instead of your real name.

I’m sorry for the years I spent thinking you were so lame, because you are my very best friend now. And that’s as nice to you as I’ll ever be.

Love and Nutsacks,

Noa

Are you sorry for anything to your siblings or your best friends?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Monica: “Poor Bo Peep. That happened to me once.”

 

{ 103 comments… read them below or add one }

Front Desk Ninja January 11, 2012 at 3:07 am

Did I just wake up the whore sleeping in my lobby from laughing/snorting so hard? Yes. I have tears in my eyes, Noa. You rock.

To my best friend:
I’m sorry for that time you were dying and I had to take you to the hospital on a full bladder, and made you laugh so hard you peed.
I’m also sorry for that same time when I ran out of gas and we had to walk uphill for thirty minutes to a closed gas station, and instead of doing anything productive like calling my mom for help, I ended up running into traffic to stop the creepiest trucker ever.
I’m sorry for the time I taught your kid to call you Princess Bananahammock for a whole day. I plan to get your newest kid to call you Queen Fannypants, once he can support his head and make sounds.

I’m sorry to my cousins for all those years I was an asshole. There are too many numerous occassions to list here, but, sum it up with the 14/16 year age gap and me wanting to play dolls with my 19 year old cousin when I was 5. I’m not sorry I have those pictures still.
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Jen January 12, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I just fell deeper in love with you.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:50 pm

@FDN: Queen Fannypants is my new favorite insult. Dear God, thank you.

@Jen: This one is MINE. You have WASH.

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Front Desk Ninja January 12, 2012 at 11:15 pm

My nephew is only 2 weeks old, so I have some time still. My 4 year old niece would say it, but, she’s been a little shit lately so I doubt it would come off as ‘funny and cute’ and more ‘little shit’…

And hey now. I can be loved by everyone. In hour increments, with a 15 minute break between so I can freshen up.

Love takes work.
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Lana January 11, 2012 at 6:27 am

You and Grace can drive me absolutely crazy with your screwed up relationship! But I love it cause we laugh hysterically about it later. What about the time y’all lost your minds at Schlitterbahn and started shouting obscenities at each other over a damn pretzel!!

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:51 pm

She was being a whore that entire day, and you fucking know it, Lana.

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Mayor Gia January 11, 2012 at 6:38 am

Hahahhaha I love it. Sounds like she should be thanking you for being so hilariously awesome.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:51 pm

She has encouraged me to be this way. It’s all her fault.

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Elsmama January 11, 2012 at 7:09 am

Hahahahahaha!

I’m sorry that I flipped my brother off a heavy-gauge wire parking guide and concussed him. It might be an explanation for him now, though.

And I’m sorry I scared him so badly so often. Kinda.
Elsmama recently posted..Good thing I never counted on having dignity again

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:52 pm

My mom did that very same thing with her brother, and she’s not sorry at all. I doubt you are, too…

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Dan Perez January 11, 2012 at 7:36 am

I’m sorry you lost the pictures of the whole hot-pink, zebra-striped, ribbed and knitted onesie thingy. Nuff said.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I looked and looked and looked because I fucking loved that outfit.

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Beth January 11, 2012 at 7:43 am

I’m sorry I taught my 2nd stepmother’s (my dad leases wives) bird to say, “Jesus loves me.” She is a Johovah witness and has church group in her home.
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Front Desk Ninja January 12, 2012 at 12:20 am

You’re my goddamn hero.
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Mindy January 12, 2012 at 8:04 am

Yeah, that is the BEST. THING. EVER>

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:57 pm

@FDN and Misty: Agreed.

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:56 pm

@Beth: And no one else is sorry for that, because fuck me that’s funny.

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Misty January 11, 2012 at 7:48 am

Yeah, so sound REALLY sorry about that whole wedgie/almost broken nose thing. So sincere.

I am sorry that one time I was fighting with my brother, me being the obviously older and more mature of the 2 of us at 15 to his 12, because he wouldn’t get out of the “good chair” that I had just gotten out of, and instead of giving him the remote to the TV as he was asking for, I got really mad and threw it at his face, hitting him in the nose and giving him a black eye for a week. I am also sorry that my parents did not believe us at all when we explained that I just tossed it to him and it just happened to hit him in the nose hard enough to give him a black eye. Yeah, I am really sorry about that part.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

I gave my sister a black eye because I slammed a door in her face and the door knob pegged her right in the eye. I bribed her with a some earrings, we worked on a scenario, and got past the parents.
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Jen January 12, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I once clocked my sister in the face with a can of hairspray (accidentally!) and blacked both of her eyes. Shit. . .forgot about that one.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:59 pm

@Misty: To be clear, SHE did that to ME. And I really loved those panties. Broken noses are a theme, eh?

@Carrie: You lucky bitch. I never got away with shit.

@Jen: “accidentally?”

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Jen January 12, 2012 at 9:38 pm

As far as my parole officer is convinced, yes…accidentally. ((whistling innocently))
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Kelly January 11, 2012 at 8:22 am

Dear Bro,

I’m sorry about the time that I slammed on the brakes in my bitchin’ yellow Chevy Luv truck and you hit your forehead on the windshield and cracked it a little. In my defense, I had to drive a yellow Chevy Luv.

I’m not sorry for much. You completely ruled my ass even though you were younger. You hit harder than I do, and weren’t afraid to resort to my softball bat. Asshole.

Love, Sis
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Totally okay if you had to drive a Chevy Luv. That’s a fate worse than a Kardashian sister.

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Kelly January 13, 2012 at 8:48 am

If only it was a Kardashian who was in the Luv at that time – I probably would have attempted the Triple Lindy in order to fling her through the windshield.
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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 11, 2012 at 8:29 am

Dear Entire Family,

I’m sorry for the time during Easter dinner when I was 12 and Grandpa went around the table asking all the grandkids what they wanted to be when they grew up and my response was, “I’m moving to New York City to work as a high priced call girl.”

I wasn’t sorry when I was sent out to sit in the car for the remainder of the day, because I got to read my book for several hours, which is what I wanted to do anyway.

In my defense, your answers were all stupid.

Love,

Dani
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I want to be you when I grow up. Fuck, you’re funny.

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Monica January 11, 2012 at 8:31 am

This whole post makes me sorry I don’t know you in real life.

I’m sorry I helped convince a friend that another friend had gotten some bad pot and was seeing cats walk through walls.

I’m sorry that my half sister and half brother are such raging, destructive, dangerous assholes that once I wrap up my father’s estate I will never be speaking to them again. I’m sorry that my unborn child won’t ever know his aunt and uncle because I will never allow that to happen. I’m also sorry that I seem to have slipped into for serious mode and sucked the life out of this comment. Sorry.
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Cyprium January 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I feel your pain. My comment that I was actually composing in my head was going to be a mass apology for being a fun-sucker :)

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I’ll play too: Grace, I’m sorry that I didn’t pay attention to anyone in my family from the ages of 7 to 18. We had a shitty life and I ignored everyone to protect myself, but it means I lost 11 years of knowing you. I hate that. Also, sorry I hit you in the face that one time. It was on purpose, but misguided.

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:01 pm

@Monica: You don’t want to know me. I’m horrifying. Also, I’m sorry–estates ruin families.

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Lady Brett Ashley January 11, 2012 at 9:03 am

Dear Nate,
I’m sorry that when you were born I asked Mom where my little sister was. I’m sorry that I wouldn’t let you color with the pink crayons, because “pink is a girl color.” But you totally got revenge when you snuck into my room and snapped all of my pink crayons in half in a jealous rage. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you play your own GameBoy when I became obsessed with your Pokemon Gold game. I’m sorry Mom and Dad never believed you when you told them (mostly true) stories about my bad behavior. I’m really, REALLY sorry for that time you wanted to help clean the house and you decided that the best way to do that was to clean the sink with soap and my toothbrush, without rinsing the soap out of my toothbrush afterwards.

But mostly, I’m very sorry I spent those years in middle school/early high school almost hating you, because you’re one of the most kick-ass people I know and I love you most. Sorry.

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I love that your brother plotted in the night about the pink crayons and planned a method of getting them from you. Your brother is awesome.

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Kristin January 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

Dear 8-years-younger-than-me Baby Sister:

I am sorry for the time I took an over-sized windbreaker, put it on you backwards, and straight jacketed you to a chair when you were only five. In my defense, I was only thirteen and had limited resources in caring for a five-year-old Hellion such as yourself, and you were trying to wake up Mom (who worked nights and left me in charge) to tattle on me!

PS: I’m not really sorry, because it makes for such a great story, and you turned out okay. Right??

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I read the first part and was SURE you pulled a Human Kite episode A La Stefon from Saturday Night Live. Though that was not the case, I sure as hell was not disappointed.

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Beth January 11, 2012 at 9:36 am

Dear siblings,
I am sorry I cheated at every board game we ever played!

Rob – I am sorry I told everyone at your birthday party I wanted to have boobs like you when I grew up. In my defense you had great fat boy boobs and I had none.

Kristin – I am sorry I stepped on the back of your hooded towel when you were running through the house like a psycho. Yeah, sure you cracked your forehead open on the corner of the wall, but it was only way I could stop you and put your naked toddler ass in clothes.

Joey – sorry you slipped and bruised your ass and had to sit on that embarrassing inflatable donut following our epic indoor water fight. Who runs on wet linoleum anyway?

Step brothers from Costa Rica – sorry I call you Mexicans when I am angry at the way treat my father.

Step brothers/sisters from Kentucky – sorry I think you are going to steal from me when I visit. Its just that you all have some kind of criminal record and you have done it before.
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I had stepsisters like that once upon a time. I remember how horrifying it is. Defend yourself, and your ass.

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Dana the Biped January 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

What is this, a 12-step program? I don’t need no stinkin’ 12-step program!

(All those apologies would take too long, and I have three jobs, damnit.)
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Dana the Biped January 11, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Okay, but I will share one apology:

Grandma,

I’m sorry I’m telling everyone on the Internet about the time you asked for a vibrator for your birthday and I shot Mt. Dew out of my nose on you. I know you meant one of those massage thingies, but I still couldn’t get one for you because it was all twisted up in my sad head.

But hey, at least I didn’t bring that not-white CATHOLIC I was dating at the time home for dinner, right?

Love, Dana
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

You’re the only one who is sorry for that shit. Laughed for days. You are the best.

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L-Diggitty January 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

Awesome! My sister and I once had a tampon fight (don’t ask). We were both IMMEDIATELY sorry for that one…
L-Diggitty recently posted..this just made me blow coffee out of my nose…. it burns!

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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I have to ask: clean?

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Carri January 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

You and your sister sound awesome. My brother and I can’t get along. Maybe he’s still pissed at me for breaking his arm?
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Noa January 12, 2012 at 9:10 pm

No. He’s mad because he has a penis.

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Pish Posh January 11, 2012 at 9:57 am

Oh god now that is a good way to start the morning!

I don’t have shit to apologize for because I was awesome. My brother on the other hand has a lot of explaining to do including:
– apologizing for stabbing with a pencil because the lead is still in my hand 25 years later
–apologizing for taunting me through glass until I punched him because the scars still show on my hand 18 years later
– apologizing for having a party when our parents were out of town and getting my dog stoned and letting me get in trouble for all of that.

And such.
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Noa January 13, 2012 at 12:11 am

I think he still deserves to be punched in the face.

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JA January 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

Holy Spaceballs, that was frickin funny!

Dear Much, Much younger brothers

I am sorry that I made you eat tomato worms because I thought it was really cool to see their green goo blood drip all down your face. In my defense, I did it because our Mom went into hysterics every time that I thought that was incredibly funny.
However, I consider us even since you both proceeded to have the most embarrassing farts during the love scene in Top Gun when I had to take you to the movies. Being 13 with your baby brothers while they have gas in a “grown up” movie was not the highlight of my teen years.

Dear HS BFF,

I am sorry that while we were cow tipping and incredibly high I laughed so hard that it woke up the bull that proceeded to chase you around the pen while I peed my pants. It was “good times”.

NOA – you rock!

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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

I’m sorry for the time I agreed to pick my sister up from school even though I knew I was going to see Jerry Maguire for free and wouldn’t be done with that until well after I was supposed to pick her up. I know now that if she were kidnapped and forced to be a child bride, I’d have felt pretty guilty about it.
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nadine January 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

I wish I had a sister, but Jaclyn and I are so close that I consider her my sister. I can’t think of anything to apologize for…. besides everything. I do a lot of things, I can’t keep track of all my unsavory shit that I’ve done.

I guess I’m sorry for that time I slapped her husband… that wasn’t really nice of me.
I’m sorry I got her mom mad at me for the time I called her sister a cunt, the time I posted pictures of Jaclyn’s baby on facebook with a beer and a Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade (she has a girl, come on).
I’m sorry about that time you shit all over the bathroom at the rest stop on the parkway. OK, that has nothing for me to be sorry about, but I just wanted to include that epic shit story where she came barreling out of the rest stop yelling “GO GO WE HAVE TO GO” like she just robbed the joint.
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Jen January 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

Dear Hilary. . .oh shit, where do I even begin. . .

1) I am sorry for lighting your hair on fire while attempting to iron it so you could look like the chick on ‘Solid Gold’

2) I am sorry I videotaped your drunken attempt to replicate the chair scene from ‘Flashdance’ and sent it in to ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’. . .but I’m not sorry it came in third.

3) I am sorry I outed your date on prom night. . .but I’m not sorry that he and his boyfriend have been a happy couple since 1997.

4) I am sorry for giving that sleazy guy your name and number at the bar. But then again, you DID wind up being married to him for three years, so. . .

5) I am sorry for unscrewing the light bulbs and then locking you in the darkened bathroom while I stood outside yelling “BLOODY MARY!” That shit ain’t right.

6) I’m sorry for the time we met Harry Connick Jr. in the mall food court and I proceeded to cackle like a coked-up whore and spill my Diet Coke all over his pant leg. ((shame spiral))

7) And most importantly, I am sorry for my lack of verbal filter, my rampant acts of Chelsea Handler-esque dickery, and my egregious use of the word “fuck”. Your glances of quiet disapproval have not gone unnoticed.

8) Most importantly, I am NOT sorry that you are my big sis. You are the Allie to my Kate, the Chuy to my Chelsea, and the Charlotte to my Samantha. Much love, my seestor.
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Mamy January 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Dear Sis,

I’m sorry you got in trouble all of the time because I was the good one, even when I wasn’t.
I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from stepping on that pitchfork when you were 5 and putting a hole through your foot.
I’m sorry I didn’t punch you in the face when you would spit on the steps leading to my top bunk bed nightly when we were young.
I’m sorry I didn’t explain Karma to you early on.

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Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 11, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Dear Baby Sister,

I am sorry that last night, the family hijacked your Health project to write a poem about birth control. I’m sorry that you probably caught Mom winking at me the whole time in an attempt to discourage me from making dirty jokes and to make herself feel better about talking about sex with all three of her daughters. I’m sorry that I couldn’t finish a 20 line poem that began with “Jack and Jill were on the pill.” I’m not sorry that I made Dad severely uncomfortable with my rhymes “Wrap it, then tap it” and “Susie the Choosy Floosie.” I’m sorry that you will not be nearly as shocked by college as I was.

Love you!

Jillian
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Dave January 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Dear Sara,

I’m sorry for the time I tricked you into thinking rabbit droppings were candy.

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Andi January 11, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry for singing “There’s a Hole in my Brain” to the tune of “There’s a Hole in my Bucket” during that road trip until you and Greg contemplated leaving us by the side of the road. To be fair, Stacy put me up to it.

I’m sorry for spilling Good and Plenty in my bedroom and making you think I was on drugs. In my defense, your reaction was pretty funny.

I’m sorry for pouring everything in the fridge on the floor when I was two. However, I’m not sorry for cutting scallops into the sleeves of my blue sleeper. Really, Mom — blue? You KNEW I was gonna try to girlify that up.

I’m sorry for upsetting you by having friends over when you weren’t home. I’m less sorry that Julie put the Coke in the freezer. That shit was educational, and I’ve remembered not to do that ever since.

I’m sorry that I picked my zits when you told me not to. You were right about that one. However, you were wrong about short skirts and calling boys.

Luv ya,
Andi
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Petite Heretic January 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

‘Like’.
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Rosa January 11, 2012 at 3:12 pm

No. They deserved every last bit of it. Those bitches.
Man, I love having sisters.

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Charity Woosley January 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I’m sorry I didn’t have a sister to do shit like this with, growing up.
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Jen January 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

That’s what we’re here for, Ho! :)
Jen recently posted..OK, Office Skank…It’s on like Saigon!

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Laura January 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Ahh.. this could be a really long post.

Dear Mom & Dad:

I’m sorry you couldn’t keep in your pants during your first few years of marriage. Having 4 kids back to back must have seemed like a good time (until we were all in high school together). I’m sorry that you were called up to the school constantly because we couldn’t keep our shit together. But, you have to admit, we were pretty creative at pranking each other (example: filling one’s lockers full of bouncy balls). I’m sorry you chose to have another child 8 years later. I think the high school might give you some kind of medal when she graduates this year. THANK FUCKING GOD those damn Gibson children are gone!

Dearest little sister: I’m sorry that you had to have a bunch of boys as older siblings, but at least you did have a sister when you got here. Imagine my ass dealing with the 3 of them for 8 YEARS! I’m sorry you trusted me to play “beauty shop”, but you looked cute with a pixie hair cut.

This could go on for days, but you have inspired me to write this out for future giggles.

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Skylar January 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm

To my sister, Sydney,
I’m sorry I got mad at you and told your semi-best friend that you find her extremely annoying. I’m sorry that I hid your stuff when I was little because I figured you had too much stuff that you never used/played with. I’m sorry I gave you a black eye when I slammed your face into Dad’s piano. I’m not sorry for re-telling these stories over the years, or for the fact that you’re my sister.

Love,
Your baby sister

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Cyprium January 11, 2012 at 6:25 pm

This might take a minute – I have a shit-ton of siblings – who, for the most part I can only be around for small periods of time.

Dear older sister – I am sorry that you aren’t as smart as I am, and that I let you know it for most of our lives. I’m sorry it pissed you off that I had to teach you long division even though you are older. I’m sorry that you weren’t born with perfect teeth the way I was. I know it had to be hard to grow up with all of the hateful little bastards in this world. I am sorry that when we were little and were playing tug of war with that blanket that I let it go and you had to get stitches because you hit your head on the dresser. I am also very sorry that even after 30 fucking years, you always seem to remind me of that fact on a quarterly basis. I am sorry that I mocked your socially awkwardness, and that I still call your gross friends the Oblongs. I am sorry I don’t really like my niece, because you didn’t raise her to act like a human being with an actual soul. I’m sorry that I prefer to talk to you over the phone instead of hanging out in person. I really do love you, but its much easier from a distance. I’m sorry that you took the brunt of the anger in our childhood. I’m sorry that you were made responsible for everything that the rest of us did on the simple basis that you were the oldest. That doesn’t really count for shit when we were all 4 born within 5 years. I’m sorry our childhood was shit and you never got over it. For you, I am sorry most of all.

Dear younger brother – I’m sorry you are a drunk. I’m sorry you are a loud redneck. I’m sorry that all of that intelligence stored in your head only comes out when you are fixing something that is broken. I’m sorry for that time when we were little that I left mom’s tea kettle on the stove with no water in it and it got burned up. I’m sorry I blamed you and mom believed me and beat your ass for it. I’m sorry that your meth-whore of an ex-wife ruined our friendship. I counted you as my best friend until she came around. I am sorry that the whore you married meant more to you than our relationship, and that you didn’t believe me the night you met her and I told you she was a meth-whore.

Dear younger sister – I’m sorry you are a spoiled rotten bi-polar bitch who is only happy when she is either the center of attention or when she is making someone else completely miserable. I am sorry that we protected you from the abuse that we suffered because you might not have been such a spoiled rotten bitch if we hadn’t done this for you. I am sorry that you will never know true happiness in your life because you can’t be happy with anything. I am not sorry that we live in different states. I am not sorry that you are the one stuck taking care of our mother. I am not sorry that I am sure that your husband cheats on you. I am sorry you ever conned such a nice man into finally marrying you. He doesn’t deserve your bullshit.

Now I am annoyed. Of my siblings it appears that I am only actually sorry for the things I did to one of them.

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Cyprium January 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Dear Noa, et all:

I’m sorry for being a fun-sucking asshole about my siblings. The things I am sorry for are, for the most part kind of bitchy.

I’m sorry that my normally sarcastic, yet funny wit did not come across in my comment.
I am not sorry that I found what I wrote to be extremely therapeutic. Thanks for that. :)

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Mandi E. January 11, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Dear Brother – Remember that time you tried to high step over the baby gate to get to your bedroom, only your foot got caught and you put a great big hole in the middle of your bedroom door with your head? I laughed so hard at you that I peed a little.

Dear Dad – I’m sorry I peed a little in your recliner while I was laughing at Brother.

Dear Husband – When we went out last weekend to your friend’s birthday dinner, and I advocated getting the birthday boy drunk enough to dance on the table and sing with the juke box, I never expected that it would end in he and I making a duet out of You Shook Me All Night Long while completely sober. You married me, and for this I am monumentally sorry.
Mandi E. recently posted..Because there was no one left to speak for the orgasms.

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Petite Heretic January 11, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Okay, must add:

Dear Travel Buddy, I’m sorry that we schlepped all the way out to that far reaching tube station named after your hometown for me to take a picture of you under the tube sign only to find out that I’d forgotten to put my battery back in my camera. At least I got those shots of you crossing Abbey Road? :)
Dear man, I’m sorry I was such an asshole that I hid in the pantry for 30 minutes while you were looking for me, then jumped out and scared you so badly that you dribbled a tiny bit of pee.

Dear former roommate, I’m sorry that I got bored at that party and started dealing to you from the bottom of the deck during Shot Poker. I did redeem myself by holding your hair while you puked but yes, I’m an asshole for it.
Dear former neighbor, I’m sorry that you were such an asshole by watching bad TV so loudly at 3AM every night that i had to disconnect your cable through the wall just so I could get some sleep. Yes, I gaslighted you. Enjoy that costly service bill. I laughed so hard into my pillow listening to the cable guy tell you that you are crazy and charge you for it.
:)
Brilliant! Love this.
Petite Heretic recently posted..Pardon me, but I find your shaved crotch ridiculous.

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elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 11, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I am so depressed now. Because I want a sister just like you. Or maybe I want a sister just like Grace. Or I want both of you. In a non-sexual way. I just want to make that clear.
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Lilscorpiosweet January 11, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Dear Mom,

Sorry for being an ass in the store. Also sorry for having embarrassed you when I was little. Sorry for thinking you and George Washington were the same age and wondering what he was like. Sorry for flipping up the edge of your shirt and showing complete strangers your pregnant belly. Sorry for embarrassing you at my brothers’ ball games by yelling at the ump and coach.

Your loving Daughter
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Myth January 11, 2012 at 7:24 pm

To my best friend:

I’m sorry for being a stick in the mud ninety percent of the time. Someone’s got to be the voice of reason here, and it might as well be me; it’s not like I was particularly interesting to begin with. I’m sorry that all your potential boyfriends were douchecanoes and that I had to slap you across the face with reality and force you to admit that this shit is totally not cool. You deserve better, you silly ho. If he doesn’t earn the Myth Seal of Approval, that motherfucker has got to go. I’m sorry that I won’t let you resort to violence when one of the asshats at school has pissed you off. I’m sure that guy in English would look amazing with a nasty black eye and a broken nose spewing blood, but you will have to be satisfied with your imagination, because whipping his ass isn’t going to miraculously beat the stupid out of him. Not to mention you’d get in deep trouble, and I doubt you’d enjoy a lecture from the dean, because I’ve never met such an incompetent school official in my entire life (except perhaps the principal, but let’s not go there). I’m not sorry that I routinely call bullshit when you call yourself a fat cow, claim that your writing is so shitty it makes you gag, or convince yourself that you will never amount to anything. I am, however, sorry for the particular methods I employ, which usually involve me angrily telling you that I’ve never heard anything so ludicrous in my life. I’m patient enough to put up with your self-esteem issues, but you can’t sugar-coat it when you’re telling someone they aren’t giving themselves enough credit.

Lastly, to my friend Eric: I sincerely apologize for all the times we were playing World of Warcraft and I told people you’re friends with an underage teenage girl half your age. I’m sorry that I sometimes refer to you as my sugar daddy but you really do fit all the criteria except the part where I have sex with you (you even buy me lots of cool shit, even if it’s only within the confines of an MMORPG). I’m sorry that I spend my every waking moment making fun of you but you’re just so fucking hilarious when you nerd-rage. I’m sorry for that time we wrote a story about you as an anthropomorphic French-Canadian beaver. The Canada jokes just never get old (unlike you).

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Jackie G January 11, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Dear Nicole (seeester),

I’m sorry that I was such a giant twatwaffle from day one that it got you to ask for a baby brother for your birthday. I’m even more sorry that you actually got a baby brother for your birthday, four years later.

I’m sorry for that time that I didn’t stop you from eating the raw oyster at Granny’s house. I’m even more sorry we didn’t record that shit.

I’m sorry for not realizing how badass it was to have my older sister drive me to school when I was freshman. I’m even more sorry for not realizing that by hotboxing the Jeep, you were in fact trying to include me, not ruin my golden pipes that have obviously fueled my singing career.

I’m sorry for all those times I wanted to get on the internet, so I unplugged the phone line and acted like I didn’t know what happened. I’m not sorry for the time that you burned me with a cigarette for not getting off, so I kicked you in the neck. That shit was fucking funny.

Dear Little Bro,

I’m sorry I’m not sorry. You were a dick.

Looooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

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Mandi E. January 11, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I instantly fell in love with you the second you said she asked for a baby brother for her birthday. I did the same thing with my regards to my sister and my brother was born a year and a week later.

We’re like soul mates!
Mandi E. recently posted..Because there was no one left to speak for the orgasms.

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Jackie G January 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

We so are! I think it takes a special sibling to make you wish for one of the different gender.

Unlucky for my sister, he was born on her birthday, and therefore had to share it with him every year since. And he was the biggest pain in the ass, ever. I vividly remember her duct taping him to a computer chair and wheeling him into the driveway with a sign taped on him that said “I smell like cat pee”. My mother was thrilled when she came home.

I fell in love with you when I read about your sober karaoke prowess. We should probably do a duet together, while our husbands shake their heads in the corner and pretend to not know us.

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Mandi E. January 12, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Can we do the Tone Loc version of Wild Thing? I’m pretty sure he’d die of embarrassment on the spot.
Mandi E. recently posted..Because there was no one left to speak for the orgasms.

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Jackie G January 15, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Not only would that be phenomenal, but it would most definitely be better than the solo drunken version of “Baby Got Back” that I did last night. Woops.

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Bobbie January 11, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Dear Little Brother,
I’m sorry for the time I was 9 and kicked you in the balls in order to steal a box of Girl Scout cookies, followed by you chasing me around the neighborhood for half an hour with a baseball bat, including running right through our neighbors’ kitchen and out their front door while they were in the middle of eating dinner. The saddest part of which is that they were not the least bit surprised.

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:19 am

To be fair, Girl Scout Cookies are the shit. No one blames you.

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Christine January 11, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Dear Bro,
I’m really not sorry about most of the things that happened while we were growing up, because a) you were frankly much worse, and b) you’ve finally put on your big boy pants, so we can just let that be water under the bridge. Anyways, I think we can agree that turning out well-adjusted after being raised by our parents is just bonus points!
Love, me

Dear BFF,
We’ve been attached at the hip for over 20 years, and let’s face it, I love you more than the people I’m actually related to. I’m sorry that I got put in the “smart class” the one year we went to the same school. (Those fuckers didn’t know anything; sure I could read, but my math sucked.) I’m sorry that I got us busted at church by answering honestly when the sweet little old ladies asked how we were doing. (Who knew they didn’t want to hear how much we hated our teachers?) I’m sorry I made you feel so bad when your dad got transferred and you had to move away. (It wasn’t your fault that missing you felt like missing a lung.) I’m sorry that I got to have the college experience and the single life you never did. (For the record, it’s just a piece of paper that has done fuck-all to get me a job, and while I’m not the type of person to need people, I still get lonely.) I’m sorry that when your second son was born, I brought in an ep of our favorite show to entertain you while in labor, and you laughed so hard you thought your water broke. (Okay, maybe not so much. That shit was funny as hell.) But most of all, I’m sorry that life isn’t as simple as it was when we were younger–that I can’t fight your bullies or do your homework, that we can’t make the world go away by blasting New Kids on the Block.
Love you the mostest,
me

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:30 am

I want a friend that will bring me my favorite show in the delivery room. I’m so jealous.

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Robyn January 12, 2012 at 3:05 am

Dear Brother,

I’m sorry that one time, when I was 13, you made me a tv dinner while “babysitting” me at Grandma’s and I was sleeping in the chair and when you said my name I freaked the fuck out because Iwas dreaming of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and how they were all coming after me and when I woke up I screamed “Get your own brains, bitches!!” and proceeded to knock the very hot TV dinner all over the front of you. I’m sorry that the majority of it went on your chest and the below region and that you screamed like a little girl and jumped in the shower fully clothed with the cold water running everywhere. I’m sorry that I laughed until I couldn’t breathe and I’m sorry that you have a little scar next to your boobie where the salsbury steak hit you and stayed there due to the copious amounts of gravy they put in those things. I do love you though!

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:33 am

I love you for giving your brother a salisbury steak scar.

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Tova January 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

I’m sorry I didnt get to do any of that awesome stuff with you!
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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:33 am

Me fucking too.

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L-Kat January 12, 2012 at 10:30 am

Dear little Brother,

I’m sorry for the times that I didn’t tell you Santa wasn’t real. But watching a 15-year-old boy still believe in Santa was pretty damn funny.

Love and elves,
L-Kat
L-Kat recently posted..A big f-you, welcome back from my neighbors

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:33 am

To be fair, HOLY SHIT YES.

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Mindy January 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Dear Younger Son,

I’m sorry that I told you your initials stood for “Shit Balls” instead of for your name. I’m also sorry that I told you that you were named after George Washington (Because how could you be named before him?). I’m really sorry that when you told your 1st grade teacher that, she didn’t get it. (and she’s in charge of educating our youngsters)

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:34 am

Best. Mom. Ever.

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Suniverse January 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm

This almost makes me sorry my kid is an only child.

Eh, she’ll figure it out. I’m sure there’s someone out there she can torture.

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:35 am

She’ll find someone–I promise.

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Robyn January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I am incredibly sorry to my sister, 14 years my elder, for not knowing that it was impolite to point out that her moustache needed waxed in front of a checkout girl.
Robyn recently posted..Mutant Shoes for Mutant Feet

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:35 am

Well, someone had to tell her.

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Ally January 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Dear Sissy,

Sorry I got ‘Thug Life’ tattooed on my stomach, showed all your friends, and embarrassed you.

Sorry I drank way too much champagne at your wedding and completely don’t remember what I said during my toast.

Sorry I was so annoying as a child and you had to put up with me.

Thanks for always being so awesome.

Sincerely and So Forth,
Ally
Ally recently posted..Branded like a cow.

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:36 am

Ally…I need a photo of that tattoo. Because goddamn that’s rad.

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NCT January 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I’m sorry about the time at Steak and Ale when a combination of Beam and some things that weren’t weed and may or may not be illegal, but might have made me giggle in the past in a rather emphatic fashion led to wild swinging of steak knives (with radial engine noises) to demonstrate one of the Red Baron’s final dog fights.

I’m sorry for almost falling over laughing when a European wannabee “Hell’s Angel” (Patch vests, boots, and everything) came over to my table in a Yorkshire pub and said “I’ve a lady with me and your foul language puts her off” and I stood up to tower over the midget tough guy, but almost didn’t make it because I was laughing so hard. Pro-Tip for the insecure amongst the little people: If you fucking hit me I probably won’t laugh and maybe you can box and you might win (I’m middle aged but I don’t like people trying to push me around and I’d risk it), if I’m essentially twice your height and weight I will laugh at you, not be scared as you defend your ladies honor.

I’m Sorry for taking “Capitalist Nigger” on a flight to Atlanta from Joburg, as the fact it was selling like hot cakes to BLACK AFRICANS in the airport book sho (and Africa in general) made it seem like an interesting read about how blacks can stop worrying about being victims and kick ass in the business world. Being a victim might be sad, worrying about being a victim all your life and not doing anything to progress culturally or economically is a dead end as evidenced by all the *-studies departments for various victims in modern colleges. All the poetry readings in the world are not going to make everybody live in peace, bring economies to desolation, or build schools.
I’m also sorry that I didn’t clip the black american stewardess, causing her to maybe break bones who refused to serve me beer on the flight because the title of a book about black empowerment threatened her and she even told the pilot that that bearded hunter guy is reading racist books and frightens her. I would have clipped her but they sat an air marshall next to me when she whined like a little bitch because she was too stupid to keep up on best selling books in the African BLACK community. I know he was an air marshall because I asked and he said he wasn’t allowed (whilst smiling) to say if he was or wasn’t, but he was built like a SF soldier. He was a nice guy though and I’m sorry I couldn’t buy him drinks but between the fact he was on duty and the bitch wouldn’t serve me anyway…well. I offered to buy him drinks and he refused. More evidence.

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:37 am

Once a week, Adrian reenacts all of the Red Baron’s fights. And that’s why I drink.

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Ei January 13, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Younger Brother,

I’m sorry I pinned you down and packed your molars with my boogers. I’m sorry you then took hold of the canning pot and, running full-tilt, slammed it into my chest, sending me reeling backwards into a doorknob that nearly broke my spine. I’m sorry you locked yourself in the bathroom to avoid my resulting rage. I’m sorry I waited outside said bathroom for two hours, waiting for you to feel safe enough to emerge. I also apologize that when you did finally open the door, I slammed it open, pinning you against the wall, then punched you in the face. I’m not sorry that we laugh about that story now, because as I write this note, I’m a bit horrified.

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:38 am

Holy. Shit.

You’re alive?

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QOE January 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Dear BFF,
I’m sorry for that time on our way home from Kings Island when your truck stop taco took revenge on your intestines and we had to stop at the JoHo Kingdom Hall so you could shit in the bushes and when the motion detector lights came on I yelled, “it’s the po-po, run!” and you came running out of the bushes with your pants around your ankles and faceplanted in the parking lot. I’m also sorry for re-telling that story everytime someone asked why you had a big scrape on your forehead.

Dear BFF Sister,
I’m sorry for giving you the nickname “Hershey Squirts” after your sister told me about the unfortunate stomach flu you had when you were 8. I’m also sorry that, to this day, you have to explain to people why we still call you Hershey. You’d think you would have thought up a better story to use by this time.

Dear BFF Cousin,
I’m sorry that in high school you plowed through a cornfield because a bee flew in your car window on your way to school and you showed up with cornstalks coming out from under your hood. I’m also sorry that we re-enacted this scene for a “the more you know” video assignment for our journalism class and for the rest of the year corn cobs and husks were glued to the front of your locker. I’m not sorry that your cousin and I got an A for our video.

Dear BFF dad,
I’m sorry for the time I frantically waved a flaming marshmallow on a stick around in a vain attempt to put it out and you had to duck behind a hay bale to avoid being maimed by hot balls of marshmallow lava. In my defense, you can’t make a s’more with a flaming marshmallow. I’m also sorry that this scenario was repeated this past fall but I’d like to compliment you on your outstanding duck and cover routine.

Hershey hugs and marshmallow kisses,
Q

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Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:39 am

My sister has a huge scar on her forearm from a flaming marshmallow. That shit is FOR REAL.

Also, never gonna look at smores the same way again at your sign off there.

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Victorious January 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm

I’m sorry to Cuntbag (Dani) for the time we were at JR’s (Jack had been my friend for a few hours and was flowing through my veins) and I yelled, ‘ fuck you motherfucker you piece of fucking shit, stay the fuck away from us bastard. I hate you and you are a fucking dick pussy ass bitch’ to your fuck buddy.
I meant every word and we never heard from him again. All in all it was a good night. :)

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Never, ever apologize for that. Ever.

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Vickie January 26, 2012 at 9:52 pm

You’re right, they deserved each other. She really is a cuntbag, by the way. We are no longer friends.

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Candice January 27, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Dear Sis,

I am sorry that when you called me to tell me about the freak wind storm that picked up a huge piece of a building and slammed it down on your car, leaving your bosses car, who was parked next to you, totally scratch free, I laughed uproarously for about 10 minutes (and am laughing about it now). I should have been more sympathetic, but that shit was funny!

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Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

My sister did the same thing, but it was my dog that the wind carried for a short distance. To be fair, I was also laughing my ass off.

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Andrea June 7, 2012 at 3:52 am

I’m sorry that I’m not the eldest sibling you needed. I’m sorry that you’ve had to take up the mantle of trailblazer and prove yourself over and over to our parents because of their sucky experience with me.

I am not sorry I swiped Halloween candy from you. You were such a hoarder that you’d let it go bad instead of enjoying it. Blasphemy. Brother and I skimmed off of you long after our own stashes were gone.

I am also not sorry I booted you off the tube that one time at the lake. It was a contest and I had the weight advantage – of course I was gonna ram into you like a boss on a water-skipping death donut.
Andrea recently posted..Cravings

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Noa June 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

Everything is fair game in tubes pulled behind boats. Everything.

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