2011 was not a great year for anyone.

  • Horrific atrocities were committed around the world with no end in sight. (Also, no one is talking about how Scott Disick is Patrick Bateman.)
  • Millions went hungry and were without clean water. (Also, Maroon 5 is a band and not, as I had hoped, the grandest prank ever.)
  • Freedom fighters and protesters around the world were criminalized. (Also, Rick Perry still thinks a Rabbi is, “one of them High-Falutin’ Rabbits.”)

Shit did not go well.

In 2012, we were looking for reasons to hope again. If the world was going to collapse in a fiery Mayan pogrom of aliens, Mel Gibsonry, and some haunted-ass, baby-eating toaster ovens, we needed something big to believe in.

We were waiting for Jesus’ beautiful toasted holiness on a whole roll of Ritz. We were waiting on Chris Christie and a flamethrower. We were waiting for Family Guy to be funny again.

The sign we were given that all would be right with the world is…this.

The Horsemen of Pestilence and Fuckoff.

Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus, what in the shit is happening. 

We’ve reached critical mass of Us Magazine ‘celebrities’ on an island, in a house, dancing, cooking, losing weight, getting clean, giving percussion massages to old nuns, or even having sex (Okay, Fred Durst?). And I will watch damn near anything have sex with another anything. That is, anyone but Rachael Ray and Goddamn Guy Fieri.

I might still watch a Paula Deen donkey show, but only because I’d want to see how much butter would be necessary in that situation.

I will use literally any excuse to feature this.

A quick run-down of issues with the show:

  • Fuck you, Rachael Ray, you many-toothed whore-god of sunny bullshit and the brightly colored cookware you rode in on.
  • Fuck you too Guy Fieri, you TGI Friday’s peddling cankerous cuntwoggle and the way you pronounce Fieri as “Fee-eh-di” you pubethatch-bearded son of a bitch.
  • Fuck you, Coolio, for making this literal shitshow your comeback. Dennis Rodman is coaching a topless basketball team, and you’re chopping broccoli with Oprah’s Tit-polisher and New Jersey’s photo negative.

Just hit her already.

A final and heavy-handed FUCK YOU to the Food Network for this abomination of a television program. I have more respect for the inventors of the fold-away boat. I have more respect for the History Channel and the fact that all of their writers are crazy-weilding scientologists. I have more respect for Kris Jenner’s vaginated gaggle of siliconed antelope.

Fuck you for thinking that we would want to watch this. Fuck you for Rachael Ray’s boots and your continued payment of Guy Fieri. Fuck you for making me a little hungry writing this post.

I wish, just once, I could have a good relationship with a cooking show.

Home Cooking – Click here to vote Funny or Die!

What abominations of the world have you seen that you’re sure is a sign of end times? Is it that waitress that believes ants are taking over the world? Your aunt who gets all judge-y with her wig all askew? That race of Super-Mayans they just found out about? Do share!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Danielle Geer: “Next year, everyone gets vagina jewelry for Christmas.”

 

christine January 2, 2012 at 2:15 am

I have hated that snaggle-toothed shitshow Rachael Fucking Ray since she started her “career” as a 5 minute segment on my local news about 15 years ago. That this ridiculous bitch has any “celebrity” at all feels like a personal affront. Let the fucking aliens wipe us off the planet as long as she goes first.

Jen January 2, 2012 at 8:55 am

Rachael bugs the ever-lovin Bejeebus outta me too. She’ss always whizzing around her little kitchen giggling like an Asian schoolgirl at a Hello Kitty store and babbling inanities like “E.V.O.O.”, “G.B.”, “Yum-O” and “Delish”! It “total” makes me W.A.N.T. to “regurg”.
Jen recently posted..Daddy Mac Will Make You ‘JUMP! JUMP!’

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:02 am

@Jen: Yum-O sounds like Japanese Schoolgirl Porn to me.

Greylady January 3, 2012 at 2:40 am

I always thought it was her attempt at reciting the alphabet but Japanese porn works too.

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Sounds like you guys are hungry. Here, have a Sammy.
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Rage. Just…so much rage.

Greylady January 4, 2012 at 8:53 pm

You might even say: Rage-licious. Maybe you’d even get your own cooking show.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:17 am

I think the whole celebrity chef thing is a titanic crock of shit. I’ll give props to the everyday people who work in restaurants now. It’s a damn hard job for an ungrateful public. But these people on TV who say, “I was a lawyer/stockbroker/scientist/front-office-PR-specialist-for-the-Denver-Broncos. I made 1.5 million dollars a year, but I chucked it all to pursue my dream of being a chef!!” need to have their fucking heads examined. They’ll be sitting in a dilapidated apartment at the age of 50, knees and back all shot to hell, no health insurance or retirement, considering taking a fall down the stairs or the dumbwaiter shaft at work and suing because, if they have to spend one more day at that fucking job, they wind up cutting their boss’s fucking head off and putting it in the back of the sub-zero freezer. Still think shit-canning your good-paying career was a good plan?

These are the people who watched Emeril and thought that all they had to do was graduate culinary school and be a chef in New York or LA before being noticed by the Food Network. Then viola!! they would be magically transformed into a TV star and paid millions of dollars to demonstrate cooking some shit that you’ve never heard of and looks like an undergrowth of noxious weeds 4000 feet under the sea off some country near the equator. Shit, if mild-mannered housewife Kelsey can do it, anyone can! And don’t forget the trademark TV line (“Boom!!”) and bottles of pre-mixed spices with your fuckface on the label. You’re more likely to win the Powerball lottery, why don’t you go sacrifice your future on that, too?

Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray piss me off, but they’re just a symptom of the real problem. How this bullshit scam was perpetrated on a willing public I will never know. I guess it’s the same crowd who dodges freeway traffic to pick up Beanie Babies from a crashed truck on the freeway (really happened!!), lines up at Target at 3 AM on Black Friday to beat each others brains out for $2 waffle irons, and still has 12:00 flashing on the VCR. Makes me wanna put a brick through my TV.

Greylady January 3, 2012 at 1:18 am

And let’s make no mistakes here: What she sells are lies and nonsense. There’s absolutely nothing authentic about what Rachael Ray does and none of it can be done under 30 minutes. Period. Even if it can, it’s not worth the bother and it sure as hell not worth the 2 hour clean up and the $75.00 spent to find out that the meal is garbage.
But . . . you hit the nail on the head. She and scams like hers won’t work if people aren’t willing the shell out money to make them work. She’s only preying on a public that is not only willing but voracious to have a 30-minute solution to everything; if it’s not fast, easy and cheap then the public wants no part of it. Speak up and tell people that simple, easy, out-of-the-box solutions to complex problems just don’t exist, that we have to work harder, think more and take our time to achieve great things (yes, including a well cooked meal) and you’re likely to get clubbed over the head. I absolutely support people’s rights to spend their time and money and whatever they see fit – – the above is just an opinion (and from someone who doesn’t make nearly the money Rachael Ray does, so who the hell am I – – I fully admit that) but for me, I’d rather heat up a can of soup with someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation than sit in a four star restaurant with the likes of Fieri or Ray.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:06 am

What she sells are her giant knockers and the promise of pasta, which evolutionarily makes her the perfect mating candidate, and makes everyone else in the world hate her.

Luckily, we live in a society in which those qualities can be overlooked in order to hate.

Also, you know what is fast as a motherfucker to cook? Spaghettios.

Greylady January 3, 2012 at 2:32 am

Fast, cheap and easy . . . are we talking about Rachael Ray’s food or her love life??? Giant knockers? Rachael Ray? Isn’t she the one pimping out the puffy bra for 7 year olds?

Todd July 18, 2013 at 12:45 am

Giant knockers!! Where have I been, under a rock?!?!
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I heard that. When my wife went out with the daughter for the day while I worked on my master’s degree project, it was on me to have dinner ready by 6. OK, no problem. Bobby Flay had directions for a steak sandwich online. I figured, what the hell, let’s give that a shot. Time required: 20 minutes. I gave it twice that time to be conservative. Good hell, it took me 45-50 because of all the little intermediate steps (roast the garlic, melt unsalted butter and add a bunch of spices to it, then sautee peppers and onions, then toast the bread in the remaining butter, cook the steak medium, etc.). 20 minutes my cracked ass. If you can make that in 20 minutes, you’re super-chef or you’ve done it 500 times, have a large professional kitchen where you can do all the little steps nearly simultaneously, and have the timing all down to a whisker.

They were good sandwiches and my wife was cool about things running a little late, but we all would’ve been happy with tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It would’ve been a whole lot easier. I’m not so sure the time and money was really worth it, to me it was an example of how not to do things and never believe a TV chef that tells you how quick and easy something is. It’s quick and easy for them because they’ve done it for the last 20 years.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:04 am

@Bill: I had an opportunity to go to a culinary school once (Johnson and Wales) and I didn’t because THAT SHIT IS HARD. Them bitches never sleep. I am not afraid to say I didn’t love that career enough to work that hard for that long. Fuck you ‘celebrity chefs.’

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Damn right. As a teenager, I worked in my father’s restaurant (dishwasher, busboy, prep cook). There’s nothing fun or easy about any of it. It’s a lot of work to host a dinner part for a dozen people. Try doing it 3 times a day, everyday, for 20 times that number of people. My dad used to work from 7 AM to 10 PM 6 days a week. Sunday was “easy”, he was “only” there for 3-4 hours that one day of the week. He sold out while he still had his sanity and some money. His remaining days of working a regular job, 4 days on (12 hour shifts) and 4 days off, was a damn vacation in comparison.

Greylady January 3, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Bill G, you’re bursting my bubble! You mean to tell me I can’t just show up with no creditials, ability, talent or skills and become a culinary star? But Food Network and Rachael Ray say I can — and in under 30 minutes. I’ve also applied for my honorary Doctorate in tit flashing (I hope to someday be a professional other woman or reality TV star) and I’m studing for my black belt online. Hard work? Exactly what are you trying to say?

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Sorry. Becoming a celebrity chef is about as likely as dating a celebrity. For either dream gig, being able to conjure up 1/8th ounce of cocaine out of thin air and being able to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch will help you immensely. Do you think Giada was picked because she could cook? Yeah, I’m sure Bobby Flay had no aspirations of hitting that ass with a sack of nuts. Being the daughter of a billionaire filmmaker and looking like a model was her ticket in. The other less pretty ones got hired later just to “prove” that it was about cooking ability, not looking like an Italian fashion model.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:55 pm

What people with dreams of being a restaurant chef don’t understand is that when you go to work in a restaurant, nobody gives a fuck what you think about anything. Have an opinion? Tell it to the brick wall out back. Think you’re working too many hours? Here’s a quarter, call somebody who gives a fat fuck.

When you start at a restaurant, nobody gives a tin shit about your artistry with food or scintillating menu ideas. The executive chef and the owner have already set the menu, so go put your respective tits or balls in the deep-fryer for even thinking that they’d listen to you for three consecutive seconds. Your most important skill is to do what you’re told and be able to consistently repeat the same dishes 5 billion times.

Your opinion will mean jack shit when you’ve been there for 15 years without pissing anybody off badly enough for them to fire your cracked ass.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:02 am

@Christine: So YOUR CITY is responsible for her? My God. I’m so sorry. That’s like saying you’re where AIDS came from.

Front Desk Ninja January 2, 2012 at 3:00 am

My Year End audit went off without any huge hitches. Everything fucking balanced, straight up. Also, I only called the cops ONCE last night.

I’ve already started saving food and planning which movies to watch while the world burns the fuck down.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..2012 Will Be The Year I Judge You Based On Hair Colour

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:07 am

And now I know why you’re called the Front Desk Ninja, you auditor badass you.

Once I can see over my laundry again, we’ll consider my end-of-world plans begun.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:09 am

As an aside: yes, blondes tend to be the bitchiest bunch. I had the misfortune of being blonde, but the older I get, the more red my hair becomes. Based on your descriptions, I am SO HAPPY that this has occurred.

Front Desk Ninja January 4, 2012 at 3:56 am

Me too, otherwise I might love you less.

Not *all* blondes are bitches. Just *most* of them. Seriously. The smart ones apparently don’t like to stay in the ghetto, so I never ever see them They’re mythical, like unicorns and Jesus Christ.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..If You Don’t Understand This Joke, We Can’t Be Friends Because I’m Too Old For You

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Hilariously enough, the smart ones are “dirty blondes.”

Meg January 2, 2012 at 4:51 am

Prepare yourself. They are now making Pajama Jeans for men. And that’s not even the worst part. The top 5-6 inches of these pajama jeans are faux boxer shorts. Faux. Boxer. Shorts. They’ve taken the worlds worst fashion trend for young men ever and made it worse. I’m so disturbed I can’t even think of anything funny to say about them.
Meg recently posted..Merry Christmas

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:23 am

If I ever purchased that, I’d have to kick my own ass.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:10 am

I wonder if it comes with a gold sleep mask.

Meg January 3, 2012 at 5:58 am

Only if there’s a god.
Meg recently posted..Merry Christmas

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:10 am

Oh Meg.

Oh No.

I’m just…sad. Sadder than when I read about the SnuggieSutra.

Mamy January 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Are they worse than the Forever Lazy jumpsuits with zippered hatches in the front AND back for easy access when the “call of nature” hits you??? Who buys this shit?!?!

Meg January 3, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I’m sure if we hung out at WalMart long enough, we’d find out.
Meg recently posted..Merry Christmas

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:40 pm

It’s like the Snuggie. If you’re that goddamn cold, put on a sweater. You know, those things you ALREADY have hanging in your closet?
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Meg January 4, 2012 at 1:17 am

Why the commercials portray people actually leaving the house in this get up is beyond me. Who in their right mind would want to be seen in public dressed like they have absolutely no self respect? Well, besides the cast of Jersey Shore. I’ve never watched, but I’ve seem pictures.
Meg recently posted..Merry Christmas

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I have it on good authority that a family member somewhat close to my sister wore them to a party.

Meg January 5, 2012 at 3:59 am

Oh Noa.
Meg recently posted..Merry Christmas

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:23 pm

NO NO NO!!! You can’t put on perfectly good clothes that you already own. You gotta go buy more bullshit. What a wonderful message to the rubes of America.

Zombie, Esq January 2, 2012 at 5:51 am

I had no idea who this Scott Disick creature was. My first though when Google Images produced its bounty: “Man, I’ll bet he thinks his business cards are ‘bone,’ not white.” Do you think he’s made whatever Kardashian he’s boffing have a threesome with a stripper yet?

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:11 am

As he pointed and winked at himself in the mirror? YES.

Abby January 2, 2012 at 6:37 am

Do you follow Food Network Humor on Twitter? If not, you need to, as she tweeted everything I was thinking during that horrible hour of television last night that I only watched for the trainwreck factor (and the remote was ALL the way at the other end of the couch.) The only “celebrity” I initially recognized was Coolio, and he made no hash brownies. Fail.

Anyway, Miss USA looks like she’s never eaten and Fieri and Ray look like they’ve eaten the whole state of Texas. Their popularity–along with the popularity of 98 percent of “big” bloggers and people on Twitter (you excluded)–is also a sign of the end of the world. I will never get it.
Abby recently posted..The Wizard of Words

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

Yeah, that Miss USA would be good looking if she gained about 30 pounds. Maybe she should run with that Man vs. Food guy for awhile, before he dies of a heart attack (no way he’s making it through 2012 unless he has a non-fatal heart attack first and it scares him enough to permanently quit the show and become a salad-guru).

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:17 am

She’s boffing Feeehdi.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

There’s probably a reward for anybody that can find her ass.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:02 pm

My wife would rather have sex with a walrus.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:13 am

Fucking Coolio And Cheech and there was no mention of hash anything? I have no faith in the weed-smoking celebs anymore.

I still have hope for the coked ones, though. Coke does a body good.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm

They get a week between show tapings. I’ll bet Coolio and Cheech stayed straight for the show (under the threat of being fired without pay) but went and hot-boxed a van until they had to sober up for next week’s episode. Being stoned since the 3rd grade was Cheech’s motivation for learning to cook. Funions and Cheetos are good but won’t get you through a week of puffing like an adder.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:15 am

I FORGOT SOMETHING ABBY.

You’ll find this funny. @Jameswoodmotors on Twitter is a dealership here in Dallas which is run by a person who can’t remember the difference between Twitter by text and texting their lover. She deletes them quickly once she finds them, but I watch it like a hawk for that reason. Today’s favorite from @Jameswoodmotors: “I luv u baby.” Oh, car dealership, I love you too.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Oh shit! I’d love to see the fallout when he thanks the car dealership for going downtown and allowing him to use her “other pussy”.

Mayor Gia January 2, 2012 at 6:43 am

Well, RUSSEL BRAND AND KATY PERRY BROKE UP! If those crazy kids can’t make it, who can?!? It must be end times.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Time to Toot Boyfriend’s Horn

Mandi E. January 2, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Ugh. My husband and I had the misfortune of sharing their anniversary. I’d be more inclined to cite the end times if they had made it a second year.
Mandi E. recently posted..Maison d’Ertel: the Next Great Think Tank

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:19 am

I imagine Brand smells like Calvin Klein and nut sack sweat. I, too, would not want to be around that, Katy Perry.

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:47 pm

KP probably smells the same.
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:18 am

@Gia: Please tell me you’ve seen all the people on twitter “literally sobbing” over that.

Elly Lou January 2, 2012 at 7:49 am

That picture of Paula made my 2012.
Elly Lou recently posted..This Week’s Tweets

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:19 am

I look at it every morning.

Jen January 2, 2012 at 8:38 am

Whenever I see Guy Fieri rolling up in his ragtop at the start of every show looking like he’s right off the set of a Smash Mouth video replete with, ‘Kulinary Gangsta’ tattoo, and what appears to be Punky Brewster’s entire scrunchie collection pushed up his forearms, I want to punch him in the sack so goddamn hard that he takes (as he would say) “a crunchtastic ride to flavortown”. That man fucks up what could be a perfectly epic show of food porn.
Jen recently posted..Daddy Mac Will Make You ‘JUMP! JUMP!’

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:34 am

I do not understand what makes dark-haired men with an olive complexion dye their hair blond. He’s a bit of a dandy, and he’s trying to compensate with that car. Next year, he’ll be driving a penis-envy truck that he has to have a step-ladder to climb up into.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:21 am

He’s sad that he’s a barrel with two bendy straws for legs and hams for hands. He has to do something to distract you.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:20 am

Reading the sentence “a crunchtastic ride to flavor town” made my skin crawl. I’m still very uncomfortable even looking at it there, because it’s an abomination of the language.

OH GOD NO.

Bill G. November 23, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Dear god, “a crunchtastic ride to flavor town” sounds like my neighbor’s dog raiding the catbox crunchies.

Todd July 18, 2013 at 12:52 am

I just had that tattooed on my ass.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 2, 2012 at 9:29 am

GAHHH! Rachael Ray, with her terminal high beams and her incessant giggling… “Hyuck! Hyuck!” Her new dog food line enrages me, mainly because it’s called “Nutrish.” How fucking irritating is that??? !!!
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Freeze Frame

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:22 am

Words I Hate:

Delish
Nutrish
Faboo
Adorbs
Totes
Rachael Ray

SAY THE WHOLE FUCKING WORD.

Jackie G January 4, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Totes is only okay if you say ‘totes my goats’. Because that, my friends, is hilarious.

I hate everything she says. Not every word needs to be abbreviated, and you abbreviating it doesn’t make you super quirky and creative, it makes you a really lazy dumb bitch.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:23 pm

You know Tori Spelling’s pet goat is named Totes McGoats?

Jackie G January 4, 2012 at 8:27 pm

No, BUT OF COURSE IT IS.

Azrael January 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

I firmly believe Rachel Ray shaved a year off my terminally ill mothers life when she used Milk for what she called “traditional, old country” colcannon. “THERE’S NO FUCKING MILK IN COLCANNON YOU TWAT!” I would hear her scream from under her oxygen mask. Seriously. (Although, cream is sometimes acceptable…) My mother actually said to me, “I wish I was man, if only so I could slap her in the face with a cock” My mother also died inside a little more every time she head the word “Yummo”.

So, in addition to cooking food badly…she also worsens the conditions of cancer patients.

Carri January 2, 2012 at 11:19 am

Your mom is bad ass.
Carri recently posted..January 2nd Can Suck It

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:23 am

I second.

Heather (@HeathRobots) January 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

My terminally ill mother expressed the exact same sentiment about Bella Swan after reading Twilight. I always thought slapping faces with cocks to cure stupidity was an old wives tale, but if two women this awesome say it needs to be done, who am I to question its validity.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:35 am

Sounds like a Ron Jeremy 2nd-career!

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:24 am

@Heather: Was that some kind of old-timey saying like bees knees or cats pajamas that we didn’t know about? “She’s a cock slapper.”

@Bill: I would pay him a lot of money for cockslap-grams.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:23 am

@Azrael: So that’s where your badass genes came from. Your mom sounds like the raddest lady who ever lived.

Azrael January 3, 2012 at 8:25 am

@Noa

Indeed. My mother expressed incredulous like no other human being on the planet. Hands down.

Heather (@HeathRobots) January 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the E.V.O.O and Fieri’s hair is the sun.

It is truly the end times. But if you keep making it this fun to laugh at the evil being foisted upon us, I might learn to be okay with it.

Also, Rafiki Deen is my spirit animal.

Norway January 2, 2012 at 8:34 pm

But does anyone actually know what E.V.O.O. means??

Jen January 2, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Extra Virgin Olive Oil. You know, ‘cuz that’s a whole ‘nuther 3 syllables it apparently bears abbreviating if you’re a lazy fucktard like Rachael Ray.
Jen recently posted..Daddy Mac Will Make You ‘JUMP! JUMP!’

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:38 am

Rachael Ray is brilliant! From now on my chicken broth is CB. Heavy cream is HC. My wife will love it when I start using retarded acronyms. (She’ll probably hire some wrangler to come over to my house and cock-slap me.)

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:26 am

COCKSLAPOGRAMS.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I know a couple of ladies at work that need that.

Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:20 pm

I’ll tell you who needs a cockslapogram: the Jehova’s Witness who showed up on my doorstep yesterday. You like showing up on people’s doorsteps unsolicited? I got something for you, ya fuck.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:26 am

@Norway and @Jen: She can’t say virgin on TV, because it makes her hungry for sacrifice again.

sars! January 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I think I seriously just peed! Can I steel Rafiki Deen and make him my spirit animal too???
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:26 am

@Heather: I hate acronyms. Hate them with the fire of a thousand chipotle anuses.

wicked opinion January 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

I have neighbors who have a dog who barks incessantly whenever they leave the house. For HOURS. The whole time they are gone.

I would rather be in the same room with that dog tied up with rope made of poison ivy and nettles on a JUST a little too small metal stool in a slice of bright sunlight wearing a wool sweater, gagged with a black licorice flavored used sock and having to pee really bad than watch even 5 seconds of That Tool and That Other Tool on television together.

Bitch can write a recipe though. Just sayin’.
wicked opinion recently posted..All of Us Under It’s Spell

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 12:40 am

Rachael and Guy prove that anybody can be manufactured into a celebrity.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:28 am

No sir, the Kardashians prove that.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Yow, touche!

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:24 pm

As I heard last night, “At least hitler could paint.”

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:27 am

@Wicked: I’m sorry you live next door to me. She’s stopped barking finally. It just clicked with her that we want her to shut up. I’m so sorry.

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:53 pm

You know… that could probably be arranged. I saw I saw an ad for just that very thing on Craigslist.
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Lori January 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

Rachel Ray makes me think of orthodontists gone mad. And every time I hear “Yum-o” I want to do violent things with an electric carving knife.

And Guy lives near me. And one of his restaurants here closed up after a food poisoning problem. Or health code violation. Or sex with an intern. Something like that.
Lori recently posted..How Not To Break Your Kids

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:28 am

He lives near you?

Do you egg him often?

Bill G. November 23, 2012 at 8:11 pm

If Lori doesn’t, I’d pay her to start!

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I’m betting it was sex with the young intern, she got food poisoning after sucking chocolate off his peanut, and he had to sell the restaurant to pay her settlement. We’ll never know but I’m an optimist!!

LDiggitty January 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

I once had a nightmare that Rachael Ray was my roommate, but she’d forgotten how to cook. I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom, until I woke up.
LDiggitty recently posted..watch out, 2012!

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:28 am

Were you also afraid she’s mash you to death with her giant teeth?

Missy January 2, 2012 at 1:09 pm

The only things that could make this any worse would be those obnoxious a-holes, the Neeleys. Sweet baby jeebus, I would do anything for a show where they fought to the death. Maybe Food Network could pit those four douchecanoes against the fuckwits from the Chew….now I’d watch that.

christine January 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Oh I would watch the absolute SHIT out of that! Sign me up! I hate the Neeleys with a slightly less intensity than Rachael, but it still burns… it burns…

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:30 am

Only if Yan from Yan Can Cook on PBS can ref. I love the shit out of some Yan.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

“First you take your R.R.W.K.A*, swing it on it’s rope and hurl it toward your enemies. Oucho.”

*Rabid Raccoon With Knives Attached
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..New Year’s Resolution: Be More Helpful

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:30 am

Goddamn you’re funny, Ho.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I love it!

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:29 am

@Missy: Anytime someone says that they’re “Down Home,” it means I hate them. Hate them so.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Do you remember Celebrity Deathmatch circa 1997? Or put these Food Network bitches in Thunderdome. The last one standing gets to be Doucherocket of the Decade, complete with T-shirt and a funny hat.

Megan January 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I think the food network should do us all a favor and televise Rach and Guy in an eat off.
Let’s see which of those tubby bitches can eat the most. I bet Rach could eat Guy under the table. And is it weird that I’m pretty certain she can unlock her unusually large jaw?
Megan recently posted..Refrigerator Masterpieces

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:31 am

Rachael Ray: also a reticulated python. Snake-O!

Mandi E. January 2, 2012 at 3:11 pm

My husband took out the trash twice and did laundry without being asked. He also disassembled the Christmas tree after I took the ornaments off and put it in storage while I went to the craft store. A husband that does chores of his own accord is a sure sign of the end times.
Mandi E. recently posted..Maison d’Ertel: the Next Great Think Tank

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:31 am

When Adrian stops hearing dolphin squeaks when I open my mouth, we will all be screwed.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Or he wants you to go downtown.

Greylady January 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I’m intrigued and would like to know more about your teachings.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:32 am

I feel like I just crafted a disciple.

Mandi E. January 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Pshaw. You’re being modest. You know you’re beyond crafting disciples. You broke into minion cultivation in late 2010.
Mandi E. recently posted..Maison d’Ertel: the Next Great Think Tank

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:25 pm

YESSSSSSSS.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:33 pm

OK, so I came on the scene late. Sign me the fuck up. I’ll be you’re man-whore on a path of destruction.

Gena January 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I recently saw a picture of Guy Fieri and Kid Rock together. I’m pretty sure that means that I’ll be dead in 7 days.
Gena recently posted..Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:32 am

I gasped.

Out loud.

Upon reading this.

Mother of God, what have we done?

Chiconky January 2, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Paula Deen donkey show. Best. Idea. Ever.

Greylady January 2, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Donkey show? I missed that one. Did she ride it or deep fat fry it with a gallon of butter?

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:33 am

We figure she’d need to lube that shit up with 1/2 gallon of butter.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:30 pm

She’d probably be eating a piece of cake that took 4 cups of heavy cream, a pound of butter, and 32 ounces of cream cheese to make, too.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:33 am

Wouldn’t it be, though. “Hey y’all, I’m gonna fuck this donkey a while and then we’ll eat some biscuits!”

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I’ll bet she’d be an interesting person on mushrooms (and I’m not talking about the ones you buy at the store).

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm

If I had Bill Gates’ money, I’d pay out most of it to make that happen. Bonus: I could still get by on $8 billion.

Ally January 2, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Have you watched “Bitchin Kitchen?” If not, you need to. It is the only cooking show I can tolerate.

And it is pretty obvious that the world is going to end in 2012. This Guy Fieri/ Racheal Ray shit show is just one of the reasons.
Ally recently posted..The Universe Wants Me to be a Taxidermist.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:34 am

I’m googling right now. Can’t wait to watch something called, “bitchin’ kitchen.”

DevyMama January 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

There’s also “My Drunk Kitchen” (http://hartoandco.com/my-drunk-kitchen/). She’s hammered for each episode. Please to enjoy!
DevyMama recently posted..My Man is Better Than Your Man

Teala January 2, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I couldn’t agree more! I can’t stand Rachel Ray or Fieri. And you’ve articulated just why I can’t. They really should just shut the fuck up and get off my damn TV. Or I’ll HULK SMASH THEM!

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:34 am

Fun Fact: Guy Fieri is also a hulk, but he turns into a chicken wing.

sars! January 2, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I used to worry I was missing out by not having “real”T.V. and only the Netflix &hulu… but now I know I can get my fix with y’all. love it!
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Oh, don’t worry. You aren’t missing anything.

Dawn January 2, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Thank you Baby Jesus, I have found my people. My hatred of all thing Rachel, is only surpassed by the number of times my mother has called me to tell me how wonderful she thinks Rachel was on tv this week. Looks like we’re gonna have to have Mother put down. If it makes you feel any better, the man of the house just made me watch a home remodeling show starring none other than Vanilla Ice. Yes America, Ice Ice Baby has a show on the DIY channel and he’s install cabinets like a gangsta. (going now to bleach my eyeballs and shove sharp objects in my ears)

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:36 am

My mom does the same thing with goddamn Sandra Lee, the drunk-ass ho from Semi Homemade. She writes recipes for the devil, that one.

Please tell me we can have Milli Vanilli start a talk show soon to round out the bad Vanill___ TV shows.

Mandi E. January 3, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Oh, then do I have a treat for you, dollface. I hate Sandra Lee with the passion of a thousand syphillitic Don Juans. Semi-homemade my bloated white ass. Either you made it or you didn’t. There’s no halfway here, you fucking lush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY
Mandi E. recently posted..Maison d’Ertel: the Next Great Think Tank

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:35 pm

My wife told me that she had a co-worker who just raved about how wonderful Sandra Lee is. Really, people wondered if this woman had a lesbian thing for her. That’s all good to me, and I’d probably pay to watch that, but telling people how great her “table-scapes” are is the product of a sick individual. I visualize a table-scape with her severed head as the centerpiece.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:28 pm

My mom LOVES Sandra Lee. LOVES. I would rather eat glass than watch that show.

Johi January 3, 2012 at 8:53 am

OMG Dawn, my mother LOVES Rachel Ray too and dedicates entire phone conversations to talking about her show. I mean, I would so much rather talk about RR than to tell her about her grandchildren anyway.

And I watched the Vanilla Ice show (once) with my husband (who is an actual contractor). It was HORRIBLE, but at least he and I agreed on that and mocked Vanilla Ice the entire time. I actually told my husband that I thought that he should start dressing like VI when he goes to work. Because every contractor I know wears their ball cap sideways and their designer jeans around their knees. Mmhm.
Johi recently posted..We’re super fun. You should invite us to your next party.

Johi January 2, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Well, they attempted replacing Flo (the perky insurance girl) with a robot and they raised the price of my favorite coffee. If that isn’t an abomination, I don’t know what is. On the bright side, if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012, no one will have to overspend at Christmas or file their taxes. So there’s that.

P.S. This was my favorite video from you two yet. Woot Woot! I totally want to be in one with you crazy bitches. Then we could be a troupe! yeah.
Johi recently posted..Maybe Next Year…..

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:38 am

This video was my favorite too. I hate that I’m visibly laughing in a few shots, but ALICIA IS ONE FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.

10 years ago, I saw a special on December 21, 2012 where they said our electronics would rebel against us, and it showed a family being bludgeoned to death by their waffle iron. As in, their waffle iron was the one doing the bludgeoning with its own body. Since then, I’ve been waiting for that day, because that was goddamn funny.

Bill G. January 2, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Sorry if this was already pointed out, but in the first pic of the post: am I the only one who is seeing Rachael reaching down Guy’s shirt and giving his man-tit a squeeze? That just adds to the whole creepiness of this show.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:38 am

I love his, “whaddya gonna do?” stance. I’m going to hate, Guy. Hate.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:37 pm

No shit. I might have to invest in a voodoo doll for this jackwagon.

Wendy January 3, 2012 at 12:15 am

“…Scott Disick is Patrick Bateman”

THANK you!! That’s totally what has been nagging at me since the first time I saw that jobless jackhole.

Noa January 3, 2012 at 2:39 am

And no one will talk about it because we’re all afraid of the day he puts on a raincoat and Huey Lewis.

DevyMama January 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I wonder how versed Disick is on Genesis and Whitney Houston. And does he own a pair of white high tops? These are the things I need to know.
DevyMama recently posted..My Man is Better Than Your Man

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

He does own an axe.

Dana the Biped January 3, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I called my sister over the holidays, and she didn’t screen my call. The end is nigh!

Also, I don’t understand why one of those tiny frying pans for cooling a single egg should cost $48. Screw that shit, Rachel Ray. I don’t want to pay for your zoom whitening.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Defensive Karaoke Part Three: Ew.

Dana the Biped January 3, 2012 at 12:18 pm

That should be “cooking a single egg.” But I suppose you could cool one in it too.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Defensive Karaoke Part Three: Ew.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Shit–are you my sister operating under a different name?

Miss Sassy Pants January 3, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I have this fantasy of beating Rachel Ray with a rolling pin until she can no longer cook.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..UPDATED: Well, all the cool kids are doing it…

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Well I think half your fantasy came true. Because she can’t cook. The rolling pin idea would be fun though.
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:34 pm

It would be a nice “FINISH HIM” move.

Ang January 3, 2012 at 1:39 pm

“Fuck you, Rachael Ray, you many-toothed whore-god of sunny bullshit and the brightly colored cookware you rode in on.” is the best sentence I will probably read all year. I despise this bullshit peddling, bleating fool with all of my being. My best friend and I are just waiting for the day a secret Rachael Ray German Scheisse sex tape is released and the whole world can watch her eating anal soft-serve while screeching “YUMMO!” to her revolting husband.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 12:11 am

I didn’t think it would happen, but celebrity chefs piss me off more than sports stars. At least entry in the professional sports requires you to have skills above literally thousands upon thousands of applicants. They have to be absolutely shit-hot to even get a second look from a scout. And once they’re in, they have to keep playing hot and win games. Once their skills wane, they’re out like shit through a goose.

On the other hand, what are the qualifications of a celebrity chef. Look good? Not necessarily. Be able to chop vegetables while reading cue cards? How do we know that their food tastes like something besides freeze-dried bullshit? OK, it looks good (I guess), but a bit of clever editing can cover a multitude of kitchen sins. I’m betting being in the right place at the right time and showing the right people what they want to see and hear is a hell of a lot more important than having mad cooking skills. I’m sure TV image and persona trump all.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm

@Ang: Why thank you very much. Also, you made me throw up. Congrats!

@Bill: I love Gordon Ramsay though, because I want to know what’s wrong with his face.

Bill G. January 5, 2012 at 10:46 pm

At least Ramsey talks like an executive chef really does in a restaurant and if the producers don’t like it, they can fucking beep what they don’t like. No fake-ass smiling TV persona for him. If you don’t like what he’s saying, put it to music, motherfucker. He’s got successful restaurants literally all over the world and tens millions of dollars, so he doesn’t have to give two shits if the TV network fires him or not. Take it or leave it. Even if it is all made up, it’s at least a lot more believable.

Guy Fieri is where he is by winning a reality-TV contest show. Rachael Ray got a guest spot on a cooking show in New York and was extremely lucky in catching they eye of some guy at Food Network that wanted to fuck her. Self-made success? Not bloody likely.

Britt January 3, 2012 at 2:55 pm

What. The. Bloody. Fuck.
I want to be part of the committee that decides what gets aired.
I guarantee they’re over there, farting from laughter at the ridiculous concoction of assholes they’re filling their time slots with.

Not. Cool. Food Network.
Britt recently posted..Your Face Isn’t Stinky (Probably)

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I’m sure the Food Network President is sitting in his/her office with a cocktail marveling at the shit that America’s fuck-nuggets will watch on TV.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:37 pm

@Britt: Nothing on Food Network is really worth watching. Not a damn thing.

@Bill: he is also boffing Feeedi.

Bill G. January 5, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Hehe, I can believe that.

Brandon S January 3, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Holy shit. I peed a little. Not just because of the CuMpets comment on Twitter but because I want to see the Donkey Show too. Who do we need to sleep with to get that to happen?
Brandon S recently posted..No Expectations. A year ahead….

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Paula.

Bill G. January 3, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Love the shoes in the 2nd pic. Rachael would look better with hooves.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I swear they’re cloven.

Charity Woosley January 4, 2012 at 8:02 am

Oh fuck. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. “WHAT DEMON HAND COBBLED THESE SHOES?”

LULZ.

I’m not sure what a cuntwoggle is- but I want to Google it. Except, I’m at work and don’t want to get fired.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Gamer chicks– we have boobs and aren’t afraid to use them…

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:41 pm

The word I was looking for in lieu of cuntwoggle was cuntmuppet, but I didn’t remember it until Monday at about 3 am. So sad.

Charity Woosley January 4, 2012 at 8:09 am

I had to read it again. I’m going to get fired for laughing like a fucking lunatic at the office.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Gamer chicks– we have boobs and aren’t afraid to use them…

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:42 pm

At least you’ll go out having fun.

ColinP January 4, 2012 at 9:08 am

I know it will sound sick but I was kinda of hoping Natalie was going to be drowned in the sink… alas still funny as fuck.
ColinP recently posted..And then there was rage…

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I didn’t get to see it…so sad now.

Erin January 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I still think “Hoarders” is the seventh sign of the Apocalypse. Also: Guy Fieri really is a total douche nozzle. I know someone who met him in person and confirmed that fact.

Bill G. January 4, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Now that’s a big surprise–NOT! Giving a douche nozzle money, fame, and celebrity “friends” to hang out with is like giving your baby a locked-open Buck knife. Food Network is the 3rd ring of hell.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:44 pm

@Erin: anyone who has eaten at a TGI Fridays can also confirm, because FUCK ME that shit is terrible.

Bill G. January 5, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I’ve had better food at the ballgame.

Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:56 pm

I’ve licked better food off a floor in a Denny’s.

Bill G. November 23, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I’d rather have a sister in a whorehouse than a brother named Guy Fieri.

Jackie G January 4, 2012 at 7:44 pm

We should lobby to officially rename him to Rafiki Deen. He sounds so legit and formal now, like he could come over for birthday parties and just hold things up really high.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I’m sad I’ve already named my dog now.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 4, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I read this earlier this week and FUCKING DAYS LATER because I am an asshole, I am finally commenting. The word cuntwoggle has been rolling around in my brain for these past few days.

Have you, perhaps, thought about taking on a job just making up new awesome words. Think about it.

Also, I just want you to know how deeply I appreciate you pulling me out of my funk the other day. Your humor is just what I need on days like those. I am so grateful to you.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Noa January 5, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I am grateful to you as well, because you’re so goddamn good for my ego.

Bill G. November 23, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Guy’s restaurant in New York got hammer-fucked by a food critic: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/14/dining/reviews/restaurant-review-guys-american-kitchen-bar-in-times-square.html.

I’ll bet you $100 that the food really is that bad. The food critic for the NY Times already has a name for himself and a high-paying gig or 3, he doesn’t need this kind of controversy to do it.

Any “chef” that would put their name to TGI Friday’s ain’t no chef in my book. Guy is a special brand of idiot, it’s not like he needs the money right now.

Bill G. January 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Seeing Guy’s pie-hole on the TV, and knowing that he’s getting super rich off of his bullshit, makes me want to go on a tri-state killing spree. If I get anal polyps, I’ll know what to name them (OK, I have to confess that I stole that from Breaking Bad, but it really applies to Guy Fiieeehrrrrrrrrrrrriii well). He got this gig by being able to cut vegetables while reading cue-cards better than his competitors on a reality-TV show. Yippy skippy.

If there is a God, Guy will wind up drunk and face-down in the gutter with 40 cents to his name.

Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:54 pm

He can read cards better than Rachael Ray. I’ll give him that.

Jaime January 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I think the sheer fact that the TLC network still exists and is continually adding new shows to it’s lineup is an example of the fact that the world is going to end … probably this year.
Jaime recently posted..this cold has zapped my funny

Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Food Network and TLC are bringing Revelation to a beautiful fruition.

Bill G. August 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

By the way, love the video at the bottom of your post. If Food Network was like this, I’d probably watch it for good entertainment value instead of occasionally feeding my sadistic side with the parade of train-wrecks on that network.

kanemack March 22, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Wow. Just wow. This is what happens when no one in the group has any outside influence. I have no dog in this fight as I’m not compelled by the food network, but I also think many here are planning to bomb this network. It’s just TV people. Oh, and get outside once in a while.

Todd July 18, 2013 at 12:42 am

OMG. Noa. I’m crying.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

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