I’m Sure My Therapist Will Find This Fascinating

01/30/2012 · 85 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, My Phone Makes Me Hulk-Angry, Psychological Warfare

What products/items/animals/questionable food items/swollen buttholes do you want to have a chat with? What would you say?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Tristachio: “OK, here I thought ripping out of my mothers vagina was one of the single most validating things of my life, but I was totally wrong. Next time I talk to my mom, I can tell her where to put it because “I am one funny bitch, now make me a sammich.”


Brandon S. January 30, 2012 at 12:06 am

Every GD appliance in my kitchen. You know… I have to light my cooktop by hand (I feel like Shelley Long in the Money Trap) and I’ve always had trust issues with my oven. Now he won’t even light. Bitch.

The ONLY appliance in my house that I have complete and utter faith in? My wine fridge. 80 bottles of therapy. Or at least that was what we started calling them once I couldn’t afford my actual therapist.
Brandon S. recently posted..Funny Stuff…..Noa G

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I have a glass cooktop, and I hate it so much. It will permanently be damaged if I lay a baggie on it. Stupid cooktops.

Brandon S. January 31, 2012 at 1:04 am

This is why I like gas cooktops. And not just because they start to smell if you forget to turn the off. Luckily that doesn’t happen often in our house since the only after hours cooking we do is frozen taquitos in the microwave.
Brandon S. recently posted..Keep Calm. The Poster Equivalent of Herpes.

Noa March 8, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I do exactly no cooking.

And I fucking love it.

Eric January 30, 2012 at 12:11 am

I’ve actually had that conversation with my iPhone. You are not alone. Tried talking to my Dell once but the fucker only speaks Italian.
Eric recently posted..Craigslist, and other reasons we’re doomed . . .

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:12 pm

iPhones are fickle bastards. And let’s all remember that Italians have bad histories of crashing…


Pish Posh January 30, 2012 at 7:15 pm

So that’s what’s wrong with it. Dammit! The only thing I know how to say in Italian is hello, goodbye, and f-you. Seriously.

What language does Acer speak?
Pish Posh recently posted..Smelling You Makes Me Vomit

Noa January 30, 2012 at 8:09 pm


Robyn January 30, 2012 at 12:45 am

I have a conversation with my dog. Multiple times a day. Here’s a good one:

Me: Why? Why must you chew every GD thing that crosses your path?
Dog: If it’s in my line of sight, it’s mine, bitch.
Me: But the dirty clothes are in the laundry basket, you can’t even see them!!
Dog: I can smell them.
Me: Fine, I can live with the sniffing, why the chewing out of the crotches of every pair of panties the whole family owns. Dirty panties at that!! You sicken me.
Dog: The crotches of underwear are like escargot in the dog world.
Me: ……..

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Me: Do you have to bark all day?
Me: Will you ever stop?
Me: If you didn’t have such a cute face…

Vajine February 1, 2012 at 12:11 am

I have this conversation with my dog at least twice a week. Never fails I can walk into the room and see him going to town. He’s a fucking sneaky ass in finding them!

Noa February 2, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Tiny bastards, I say.

Front Desk Ninja January 30, 2012 at 5:19 am

The computers at work. I bargain, I threaten, I’ve actually hit them a few times…
Bitches need a stronger hand to handle them, I think.

I may have snorted at the vacuum one. And by snort I mean full fledged, body shaking chortling. Yeah, I said chortling.

Watching Sons of Anarchy has made me feel like I need to pop a cap in all the appliances who aren’t behaving asses, though. Rough them up a little. T.V. may have a stronger influence on me than I like.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Bloody Fucking Emotions

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:17 pm

My vacuum has now been replaced. However, thanks to Adrian and his insistence that it will be of some use one day, it sits brooding in the recesses of my closet. I fear for my life.

Front Desk Ninja January 30, 2012 at 10:37 pm

it’s probably plotting your death now, for replacing it with a younger and slimmer model.

Sleep with one eye open, Noa!
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Bloody Fucking Emotions

Brandon S. January 31, 2012 at 1:06 am

Hey … at least your vacuum isn’t equipped with balls. Or one really big single ball. Which always makes me kinda scared. I mean… the vacuum has more testosterone than I do.
Brandon S. recently posted..Keep Calm. The Poster Equivalent of Herpes.

Noa March 8, 2012 at 8:59 pm

An update: we moved both vacuums into our new place because Adrian is a goddamn packrat.

Hoody Hoo January 30, 2012 at 6:18 am

I solve this problem by ACTUALLY talking to the things that piss me off. The conversations almost always begin with, “Really…?” As in: “Really, windshield wiper? You think it’s okay to clear everything EXCEPT the middle of the driver’s side?”
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Mystery Solved!

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Why is that the first section of a windshield wiper that goes? WHY?

Mayor Gia January 30, 2012 at 6:37 am

Hahaha, well I’ve blogged before about my appliances being against me: http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-appliances-are-against-me.html

I’d probably have this conversation:
Fridge: I have low self esteem. You never say anything nice about me anymore.
Fridge: See. this is exactly what I’m talking about.
*whizzes on floor*
Mayor Gia recently posted..Scattered Update: Sister Got a Kindle.

CaroleJ January 30, 2012 at 8:38 am

OMG! This is MY fridge. He probably has self-esteem issues, because he is the *second* fridge. He’s the BACKUP. Maybe if he had an automatic ice maker, he could move up in the world……

Pish Posh January 30, 2012 at 7:18 pm

My fridge AND my freezer are total assholes. My fridge freezes things and my freezer just makes them stinky.
Pish Posh recently posted..Smelling You Makes Me Vomit

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Your fridge is a literal asshole then?

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:26 pm

@CaroleJ: OH MAN. He’s you’re booty call fridge? That’s rough on fridges.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:21 pm

@Gia: I love that your fridge is not house trained. And yet panicked that it may be poisoning you. Irrational fear #337.

Cheryl S. January 30, 2012 at 8:13 am

Here’s mine:

ME: Dishwasher, why don’t you wash the dishes?
Dishwasher: But, I do.
Me: They’re not clean.
Dishwasher: Well, there’s a lot of crap on them.
Me: Are you clear on your job description?
Dishwasher: Don’t pressure me or I’ll start stomping around like the clothes washer!
Me: I hate you.
Dishwasher: You have a sink, bitch.
Sink: Don’t bring me into this.
Me: F*ck both of you. We’re going out to dinner.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:40 pm

My dishwasher will get everything clean, but in the process will turn everything over so that I have to run it again to clear out all the collected soap. Bastard.

Lady B January 30, 2012 at 8:21 am

I’m now living in eternal fear that my rusted iron that I never use is going to send me some sort of hate filled text message blaming me for its problems and accusing me of being a bad appliance mom.

I should have never lent it to my brother… Oh god… IM SORRY oh god… I’m so sorry.
Lady B recently posted..The story of how Channing Tatum destroyed my ankle and credibility in one fell swoop.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:41 pm

The best part is that rusted Irons don’t tell you that they’re rusted until you use them on a white shirt. They’re assholes like that.

Lady B January 31, 2012 at 9:01 am

I’m pretending that I’m doing the wrinkly clothes thing on purpose.

At some point people are going to realize I’m not a bohemian that smokes weed and braids her hair.

To be honest… I’m just assuming that’s what bohemians do.
Lady B recently posted..You should know that I’m judging your shoe choices.

CaroleJ January 30, 2012 at 8:39 am

Funniest comments EVER!

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Agreed. So much agreed.

Jen January 30, 2012 at 8:54 am

ME: Really, CNN? ANOTHER “Breaking Report!”

CNN: Hey, I need to keep you in the know.

ME: But do you really have to bust in every twenty seconds to remind me about “Allahpalooza” going on in the Middle East?

CNN: It’s a WAR!

ME: Yeah, I know. One that’s been going on for centuries. Tell you what, how about if you scare the shit out of me with a “Breaking Report” when they STOP getting bombed like Charlie Sheen at the Playboy Mansion, ‘kay?

CNN: God, I hate Republicans.

ME: I KNEW it!
Jen recently posted..Fat Girl In a Little Coooooooat…

Pish Posh January 30, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I want to watch CNN with you. I am convinced they love Republicans and hate … thinking.
Pish Posh recently posted..Smelling You Makes Me Vomit

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm

The media makes me cry these days. They’re so lazy it makes me physically ill.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Thank God I’m not the only one who hates those CNN breaking reports. Most of the time it’s an expose on something they’ve been working on for weeks. NOT SO MUCH, CNN.

Kelly January 30, 2012 at 9:49 am

Me: Hey stairs, you gonna try and fuck with me this morning?

Stairs: It truly brings me joy to see you writhing in pain on the floor. What shall it be today? Slipping down them or falling up them? Because you’re such a fucking klutz, either aren’t too hard to arrange.

Me: I hate you.

Stairs: But you need me. Don’t you? Say it, say “I need you, Stairs.”

Me: I’m not really sure how I got into an abusive, co-dependent relationship with a staircase. But yes, I need you, Stairs. But just so you know, the spelling of your name really bothers me. Also? You’re never getting vacuumed. Ever.
Kelly recently posted..Direct deposited tax refunds complete me.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:47 pm

I loathe stairs so. I scuff the toes of my shoes on flat ground, so stairs are a horrific challenge for me.

Angie Uncovered January 30, 2012 at 9:50 am

Me: I think we should talk.

Treadmill: I know you’ve been looking at other models. What’s there to talk about?

Me: Well, maybe I wouldn’t be if you weren’t loose and slipping.

Treadmill: Maybe your fat ass wears me out. Ever think about giving me a good wrenching from time to time? Of course not.

Me: Right, it’s my fault. I’ll talk to you later. There’s a new Pro Form ad calling my name.

Treadmill: I’m sorry. Come back. Honey? Look… I’m making my light work for you. Baby?
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Wag Vs. Angie: The Job or Your Lifestyle

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:49 pm

The idea of a “loose and slipping” treadmill fills me with so much dread and horror I need to take a nap.

Misty January 30, 2012 at 10:24 am


Me: But WHY can’t I get onto IMBD or any other TV/Movie themed sites?


Me: But I need to know what other shows that guy was in. It’s been driving me crazy. I have to have this information to stay sane!

WC: You? Sane? Pfft.

Me: Ok, fine. Point taken. But, please? Just this one time? I need to know!!

WC: No. You have a smartphone. Check that.

Me: The phone has a tiny screen. It’s a pain. And you are right here, all big and bright and beautiful.

WC: Flattery will not help. You are denied access. Aren’t you supposed to be WORKING right now, anyway?

Me: Yeah, yeah, in a minute. I need a break.

WC: Weren’t you just working on your blog, checking other people’s blogs and even commenting on Noa’s blog right now?

Me: You suck. Why do you have to be all observant, now? Where were you when I needed a picture of Johnny Depp? Huh?


Me: Arghhhhhhh!!!
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Streetwalkers

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Most people’s work filters have me blocked as porn. You have the strangest filter ever.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 30, 2012 at 11:04 am

I had an extremely similar conversation with my vacuum cleaner.
Me: You have a frayed cord, and you’ve given us 10 good years.
Vacuum: I still work perfectly fine.
Me: Yes, but you’re a fire hazard.
Vacuum: How many times have you almost burned down your abode?
Me: Once. Or Twice.
Vacuum: How many things have I set on fire?
Me: None
Vacuum: Put me back in that closet where I belong.
Me: Ok.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Pop Culture Haiku: I saw this picture of Paula Deen in People Magazine and it scared me.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:51 pm

For the love of God, when you do replace it, throw it away. My old one is just silently glaring at me in my closet.

Andi Davies January 30, 2012 at 11:56 am

This is me with the TV remote:

TVR: Hold down the button. No, the other button. Angle your arm, bitch. Aim at the lizards.
Me: Actually, they’re geckos.
TVR: Does it matter? Hold down that button so I can turn on the cable, tv set and sound all at once. Hold it longer. Hold it until your thumb feels like it’s going to fall off.
Me: It’s not working. Why do I have to aim at the geckos?
TVR: I hang to the left.
Me: I did not need to know that.
Andi Davies recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I have to aim at a vaguely butt-pluggish asian souvenir Adrian bought from Taiwan. Now I feel even dirtier.

Brandon S. January 30, 2012 at 12:24 pm

You know what’s sad…. reading this conversations totally makes me think of the Shake Weight parody that South Park did a few years back. I died watching that show. And not because a friend of mine was in one of the infomercials smiling like she’s just found the joys of masturbation.
Brandon S. recently posted..Keep Calm. The Poster Equivalent of Herpes.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:53 pm

There’s no greater South Park besides the Shake Weight and the Scientology episodes. God, I love that show.

Brandon S. January 30, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I still walk around saying “We’ve got to get to the heart of the Waaaaahl-Mahhht!”
Brandon S. recently posted..Keep Calm. The Poster Equivalent of Herpes.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:33 am

And I read that in just the right voice and cried I laughed so hard.

Dana the Biped January 30, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Me: Pile o’ crap, I hate you.
Me: I’m going to set you on fire now, ‘kay?

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Burn that shit, ASAP. He deserves it.

Jackie G January 30, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Believe it or not, I have no appliances or swollen buttholes I’d like to have a conversation with.

I’d LOVE on the other hand to know what the fuck goes through my asshole cat’s brain.

While I’m home, she’s all “look at me, I’m a cute fluffy cat, let’s cuddle and meow I love you.” As soon as I leave she turns into a demon with razor teeth and is all “I WILL FUCK UP ALL OF THE SHIT NOW. WIRES = CHEWED THROUGH. BLINDS =NON-REPARABLE. EVERYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT = FUCKED UP.” And then as soon as I walk through the door acts like my presence alone has awoken her from the deepest sleep, and she has no idea what I’m going on about. DICK.

I know the truth, though.

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I like that your cat has wild chewing parties while you’re gone like she’s a high school freshcat on her first weekend without mom. Excellent.

Pish Posh January 30, 2012 at 7:11 pm

This makes me love you so much it hurts

My frenemy is my fridge. It’ s like “I’m sad. I don’t WANT to cool everything to the same temperature. I want to be a freezer sometimes. I feel blue. My inner door handle breaks every time you open it because I want you to see how your love hurts me.”
Pish Posh recently posted..Smelling You Makes Me Vomit

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:56 pm

My dog is very concerned that I’m dying after reading this. Holy shit you’re funny.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 30, 2012 at 8:05 pm

What appliance *wouldn’t* I want to have a harsh talk with?! Those motherfuckers are the bane of my existence and the reason for my eye wrinkles.

Of course, the one that is in hot water (quite literally) right now is my blender. I tried to be healthy this morning by making a rice milk, protein powder, hemp seed, bee pollen shake, blueberry shake.

Oh, it was going to be so good and healthy and whatever else it is that those fucking health nuts say.

GUESS WHO FORGOT TO PUT THE LID ON IN HER EXCITEMENT. I think there should be some sort of “safety” that your goddamn blender does NOT turn on unless the lid is secure.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Lying saves lives

Noa January 30, 2012 at 8:09 pm

You’re a fucking genius. How has that not been invented yet? You’d better hurry, because I’m calling that weird inventors infomercial now.

Brandon S. January 30, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I kinda think God beat you to the punch (or whoever you think your creator is. Fill in the blank. Seriously…. I don’t judge. Wait…. what was my point?) You know that thing with five fingers you use to steal stuff with? Yeah…. that’s your safety.
Brandon S. recently posted..Keep Calm. The Poster Equivalent of Herpes.

Dave in Sherman January 31, 2012 at 1:45 am

Dude, that So doesn’t work. Besides, those health shakes all smell like ass. You do that and there you go with an ass smelling hand.
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #4

Brandon S. January 31, 2012 at 10:18 am

I’m not really allowed to use power tools of any kind since my release so I’m only guessing that a hand would work as a safety. My bad.
Brandon S. recently posted..Walk Like an Egyptian – Otherwise Titled: When in Rome…

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:35 am

I’m not allowed to use power tools since I drove the entire drill, battery and all, through the wall.

NCT January 31, 2012 at 1:12 am

Not about appliances, about recreational sporting equipment:

I lost sunday because of you and couldn’t get out of bed.

It was your fault.

You let the other fellow cheat and that’s why I lost so badly. You gave him a cheat code.

Product: http://trickumlegis.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/battle-shots-is-the-new-beer-pong/

In advance, you are welcome.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:37 am

This almost read like spam.

I would never survive battle shots. Never.

NCT February 4, 2012 at 4:03 am

I didn’t mention Nigeria or bank accounts. Call it as you will. I survived, but it was a painful survival.

Dave in Sherman January 31, 2012 at 1:54 am

Me: Dog, like get the fuck away from the food bowl you lard ass!
Dog: I am living in the Now!
Me: Well your now is so wide you can barely fit your ass through the dog door, bitch!
Dog: You got room to talk!
Me: Seriously, you need to lose some weight, your going to have a heartattack!
Dog: So get yourself off the computer and walk me, you lazy ass!
Me: Fuck it, here have a cornchip.
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #4

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:39 am

Dogs have no self control. Assholes.

Johi January 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Black dog and the vacuum. The first breaks my eardrums with her incessant barking and them breaks all vacumms with the incessant shedding. But I love her, even though she farts near me all the stinkin’ time.
Johi recently posted..Parenting Fail #1498

Johi January 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

And LOOK! I was finally able to load the page. Not sure who to congratulate. Or maybe I should apologize for yelling at you on facebook. Or maybe I’ll just take a nap.
Johi recently posted..Parenting Fail #1498

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:41 am

@Johi: The near farting is a sign of love. That’s why Adrian does it. Also, your margaritas are in the mail. I hope they’re still good!

Mamy January 31, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Me: If you hide one more chicken bone/poptart/eggroll behind my couch cushions, your sorry ass is gonna get locked in the bedroom while we are at work.
Dog(grinning): Do it. Your pillow’s comfy and I’ve got a bad case of ass itch!
Me: Why must you slurp all over your feet?!
Dog: I’m hungry and you don’t let me hide snacks behind the cushions anymore.
Me: Why does it take you ten goddamn minutes to find the perfect spot to poop?
Dog: Because I know it pisses you off.
Mamy recently posted..Where’s the Plunger? I Know we Have One Somewhere!

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:42 am

My dog used to do that with his shit all the time, but he loved to do it inside my pillow, so when I put my hand inside at night getting all cuddled up, I’d end up wrapped around a meaty bone. Yum.

Bill G. January 31, 2012 at 11:23 pm

When I was in college, I got so mad at my computer’s CD-ROM drive that pulled it out of my computer, took it out to the dorm parking lot, and ran it over with my car several times. I also purposely spun out on it a few times. Sometimes, you’re just tired of talking.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:43 am

Best. Rage. Ever.

Vajine February 1, 2012 at 12:27 am

My old oven…
Me: Why the fuck are you not working right?!
Oven: Because I want you to cry like a little bitch about nothing ever turning out the way it should.
Me: So you piss me off intentionally to make me throw food in the sink? Screaming at the world I will never bake again?!
Oven: Yes.
I stopped using the oven after it failed to bake an apple pie. Said pie I threw in the sink and turned the water on, while yelling every profane word I’ve ever known at both the pie and the oven. Then yelling at my husband saying I would never bake again. I hated that piece of shit! Come to find out it was broken and the heating coils were put on backwards. Bake=broil… Broil=bake.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:45 am

That sounds like some shit I would do. I used to HATE my oven in my last apartment because it was off by some 30 degrees, but would change + or – at any given time. Pretty rad.

Lilscorpiosweet February 1, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Ok so I am avoiding having conversations with my appliances because I know what they will say..

Oven: Why did he use me as a heater? Does he not know how to layer up on clothes and use blankets?

Chainsaw: I am just itching to cut into something and he doesn’t use me.. Why?

Washer: I quit turning off the water because yeah I am committing suicide. Suicide by drowning…glub glub
(as it continues to flood my house with three to four inches of water and then my house is all Final Destination booby trapped so I have to be careful and not electrocute myself.)

Toilet: HEY you need to WATCH them kids because I am not the garbage disposal!

Garbage disposal: Do I look like I can just get rid of everything?

Vaccum(s): Get rid of the animals.. I wasn’t meant to sweep up pet hair.

TV: Why watch me when you have your fancy computer where you can hulu or netflix anything. The only thing you use me for is playing video games.. Which isn’t very often.

The list goes on.. and I am betting that even down to my sewing machine each item has a complaint.

Glad I don’t listen to the voices they project because umm yeah that would make me certifiable.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..I went there and don’t think I am coming back.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:45 am

I fear for your life. Your kitchen may be planning a mutiny.

Red February 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I’m almost ashamed to post because everyone is being so witty I can never measure up. (okay, that performance anxiety snuck up on me.)

It would be my entire crooked house, only passive-aggressive. e.g.:
Me: Really stove? You’re that tilted that my eggs slide into half the pan? It’s like that, huh?
Stove: It’s not my fault that this house is falling apart and probably needs a new foundation.
Me: You’re old, and you know it.
Stove: Look who’s talking – wrinkle-cream much?
Me: The landlord replaced the refrigerator last year. Guess who’s next?
Stove: Suck it. Enjoy your runny eggs.

I could also do crooked walls, aka pictures tilting; doors jamming in the heat; everything always falling off the top of the stackable washer-dryer; cupboard doors that don’t close…
Red recently posted..Superbowl – Well, not really, but almost

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:10 am

NEVER EVER let that stop you. It’s always the people who feel they’re not funny enough who are the funniest. Always.

Your story reminded me of a house we looked at last year to see about purchasing. The foundation had split right down the middle, but instead of fixing it, they just tilted all fixtures in the house to make it seem as though it were level. All doors were angled 3″ to the left, and sinks, and floors, and windows. They spent so much on tilting that it probably cost more than the foundation fix. I have never been so sick in my life than standing in that kitchen trying to figure out what the fuck was happening.

Bill G. February 10, 2012 at 8:56 am

No worries, that is hilarious!

Recca March 11, 2012 at 11:00 am

Sometimes, you have to ask questions on things that surround in you. Ways to relieve and burst stress in mind. A way of communicating on people you can reach out. Great of things that we can say what we want especially bad words. It can feel revenge and anger.
Recca recently posted..how to get rid of wrinkles under eyes

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:25 am

I love you spammer.

holisticqueenoftalk.com February 9, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Well worded. Thank you for writing that. I will check again to read more and inform my people about it.

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