• I believe that I will never be able to dress well enough to no longer resemble Paula Poundstone.
  • I believe that censorship is predominantly wrong.
  • I believe that the “Keep Calm and ______,” poster and all variations are a punishment from above.
  • I believe that pictures of babies in tubs of any kind are what causes cancer.
  • I believe my sister and I made a grave mistake getting my mom on Pinterest.
  • I believe I’m stupid lucky.
  • I believe that being offended by something and something being offensive are two very different things.
  • I believe I am attracted to glitter like the Kardashians are to stupid.
  • I believe that real feminism lies in having a choice in all things.
  • I believe that Nicholas Sparks is more dangerous than Twilight.
  • I believe that farts are fucking hilarious.
  • I believe that in life, as in physics, like objects tend to converge. And that’s why you meet those people in your life that are just so goddamn perfect you can’t explain it.
  • I believe in finding the best zombie apocalypse fortresses before anyone else does.
  • I believe great work comes from pain.
  • I believe I’ll never know how not to think everything is my fault.
  • I believe making things out of breast milk is kind of strange.
  • I believe that making fun of people entitles other people to make fun of you in return.
  • I believe that Adrian is the great love of my life.
  • I believe that Indiana Jones will always be my first love.
  • I believe there’s nothing more gross than the DivaCup.
  • I believe in doing what you’re good at.
  • I believe in being honest about your talents, but not humble to the point of self-degredation.
  • I believe that education is not synonymous with formal schooling.
  • I believe that the only cure for some people is a good, solid punch in the jaw.
  • I believe in “The harder I work, the luckier I get.” (Thanks, Joe.)
  • I believe there’s nothing in the world we can’t figure out, but that there’s a lot we haven’t figured out yet.
  • I believe that Shirley Jackson is better at horror than anyone else and that Mark Twain is better at humor than anyone else.
  • I believe I’ll never stop being nervous on stage.
  • I believe that failure is inevitable in life, but not in all things, and not all the time. If you don’t fail at something, you’re not working hard enough.
  • I believe that the word Churro is a good name for a donkey dick.

What do you believe in?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Carri: “God Bless America, bitches.” 

 

Front Desk Ninja January 16, 2012 at 3:33 am

Brace yourselves, I’m about to get seriouz on you bitches.

-I believe I am too hard on myself.
-I believe I have made a lot of mistakes, but without those and the brutal life lessons, I wouldn’t be the fantastic human I am today.
-I believe that D. will come into my hotel and try to kill me when he finds out I’m testifying against him, but I believe he won’t know for sure until the day he sees me take the stand.
-I believe the life lessons I’ve learned from him, will affect me for the rest of my life.
-I believe the first two miscarriages I had, were because I wasn’t ready. I believe I will never get past the third miscarriage.
– I believe the boy I’m becoming friends with and working towards being more with, is in fact the man I’ll end up marrying. Once his goddamn shyness is passed, and he kisses me.
– I believe without clicking on Noa’s link, all those months ago, and finding all you bitches, that I would be a lost little girl right now. I don’t think you all realise how great you are, and how inspirational. I work nights, which limits how many friends I have in the real world here. Reading Noa, and Misty, and Jen, and Jaclyn, helps keep me sane on the nights where my mind travels to the past and goes all dark and scary. You bitches are fucking fantastic, and I will cunt punch anyone who tries to fuck with that.

-Most of all, I believe that Tim Tebow losing tonight was the world’s greatest thing ever because now maybe people and Tebow will shut the fuck up about his Godly powers already. Jesus.Fucking.Christ.

That’s all.

Meg January 16, 2012 at 10:20 am

On a serious note…stay safe.
Meg recently posted..Running For Another…And For Myself

Front Desk Ninja January 16, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Always. Or at least, I try to. That’s why I carry the cellular around with me, so if I need to lock myself in a room with no phone I still have a way to call those fine boys in blue. ;)
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Still Not A Real Post, I’m Being Frozen To Death At Work

Jen January 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

I love you, my adopted child. :)
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

Front Desk Ninja January 16, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I love you more, adopted maja.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Still Not A Real Post, I’m Being Frozen To Death At Work

Misty January 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I feel the same way about you and all these crazy bitches. But seriously….what Meg said!
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Front Desk Ninja January 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I also have a method to my flirting with the big, burly, strong, have that sense of needing to protect the people with boobs, construction men.

Score one for the ta-ta’s.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Still Not A Real Post, I’m Being Frozen To Death At Work

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:13 am

@FDN: I believe that every time I post, I wait a half hour, refresh, and look for your comments, because I don’t feel I have accomplished my post until you comment (usually in the first spot). I believe I’m fucking thrilled you found us, because we wouldn’t know what to do without you. I believe you’re rad as shit.

@Meg and Misty: Seconded.

@Jen: You have the coolest internet family ever.

Front Desk Ninja January 19, 2012 at 3:12 am

I only check facebook during work now to see when you post, and when you don’t, I get mad that Facebook is lying to me.
Also, I was busy painting. So I’m going to go and post now in the new post because I believe FOUR PEOPLE have already beaten me to it.
This makes me sad, so I’ll eat some chocolate while I tool up a comment.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Still Not A Real Post, I’m Being Frozen To Death At Work

Teala January 16, 2012 at 4:03 am

I had to look up the DivaCup. I, too, am convinced that there is nothing more gross than the DivaCup. OH MY ME!

I also believe that if you’re making mistakes you’re not trying hard enough. One of my favorite quotes: “Failure concentrates the mind wonderfully. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not trying hard enough.”― Jasper Fforde, The Well of Lost Plots

Noa, I heart-shape you.

Also: this is the hardest comment I’ve ever written. I’m drunk at the moment, and I’ve had to backspace 32214635103521 times because I can barely type correctly.
Teala recently posted..Sometimes you’ve just got to give it to them.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 16, 2012 at 7:40 am

This is the greatest end to a comment that I’ve seen in a long time.

Mrs.Strong January 16, 2012 at 8:07 pm

OMG… I had to look it up as well.. and now am utterly scarred for life… FOR LIFE.

and now… I have to find a way to hide the URL and sent the link to my husband so he too can be scarred for life.
Mrs.Strong recently posted..I was being a wuss….

blondie January 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

It’s re-usable. UGH!!!!
What’s next, re-usable toilet paper?

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:22 am

@Teala: I should have added a “dear God don’t google this” tag to this. Sorry. I heart shape you too, Drunk Teala.

@Jillian: Teala is brilliant drunk. And sober. But also drunk.

@Mrs. Strong: 1) Awesome Name. 2) I want a video of your husband discovering it.

@Blondie: Wag The Dad has a lovely post about “The Family Cloth” which is exactly that: reusable toilet paper.

Hoody Hoo January 16, 2012 at 6:35 am

“I believe that Nicholas Sparks is more dangerous than Twilight.” — yet more proof I’m your evil twin — when that dollar-store douchenozzle was in town for the book festival (as if what he writes can actually be called “books”) — Chuckweasel had to physically restrain me from going down there with various office supplies to get him to sign them. “Didn’t you write ‘The Post-It?’ No? How about ‘The Index Card’ YOU HORRIBLE PERSON.”
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Gather ‘Round, Kiddies

Hoody Hoo January 16, 2012 at 6:36 am

Oh and also? Front Desk Ninja is totally right about Tim Tebow — where’s your Messiah now, bee-yotch?
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Gather ‘Round, Kiddies

Jen January 16, 2012 at 8:39 am

Last week someone made a Tim Tebow comment on my blog and I actually had to google Tebow’s name to know what he was talking about. I don’t know shit about “foosball”.
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 16, 2012 at 9:54 am

I only vaguely know about him because of Twitter. I’m also “foosball” ignorant.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Season 1 Episode 15

Front Desk Ninja January 16, 2012 at 10:53 pm

I tried with all my fucking might to be football ignorant, but when I’m surrounded by men, it’s hard. So, so, hard.

But I did do the happy dance while they bitched and sulked about Tebow losing.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Still Not A Real Post, I’m Being Frozen To Death At Work

Misty January 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I think God just had other plans. I mean, what do you want? For him to be everywhere at once? Give a deity a night off, yo!
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Myth January 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Last night a few friends of mine were discussing Tebow, and based on what they said, I think people are being a little harsh on him. Keep in mind that none of the friends in question were even the slightest, tiniest bit religious at ALL.

Apparently, all the annoying, idiotic shit that’s being ascribed to Tebow doesn’t actually have much to do with him. For example, it’s Tebow’s pastor who claims that Jesus “plans” for Tebow to win games, and Tebow doesn’t even share this opinion yet still looks like a total ass because of it.

I suppose it’s probably rude to say that, but I felt like there ought to be at least one person defending him if we’re going to talk about him so much. My point is basically that you should distinguish the fact from the fiction first and insult second.

Mandi E. January 17, 2012 at 6:38 am

Eh. That’s the way of every meme – it’s seldom rooted in the truth of a given situation. That said, it’s entirely possible for a person’s popularity to be irritating and obnoxious to the core without that person having anything to do with it.
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:24 am

@Hoody: FUCKING CHUCKWEASEL. There is nothing I wouldn’t pay to have watched you do that. Also, I love you.

@Jen, Carrie, FDN, Misty, Myth, and Mandi: I would love, in the very core of my being, for Tim Tebow’s camp experimentation friend to come forward and talk. I would roll in the delights of that for years and years and years.

sars! January 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

@Noa because this made me laugh and almost made it worth it:

http://www.rollingstone.com/videos/new-and-hot/jimmy-fallon-tebow-bowie-tebowie-20120113
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:08 am

I love Fallon so hard. That was brilliant.

Sarah January 16, 2012 at 8:00 am

I believe that the “Keep Calm” movement only exists in my own personal perdition. Now I know that I’m not the only one in hell!
Sarah recently posted..Confessions of an Imperfect Parent

Jen January 16, 2012 at 8:41 am

I once lost a bet revolving around these stupid fucking posters: http://portlandiamom.blogspot.com/2011/09/keep-calm-and-carry-on.html
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:26 am

@Sarah: They’re awful. I saw one today: Keep Calm and Read Harry Potter. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

@Jen: And Kansas will be stuck in my head for WEEKS.

Charity Woosley January 16, 2012 at 8:16 am

I believe that I’m so fucking nerdtastical that I don’t even know wtf the “keep calm” movement is, but it sounds so fucking annoying that it sorta makes me want to punch a bitch in the throat.

And to the commenter above, I sorta have to agree about the Tebow thing. That shit was fucking annoying. Also, it inspired a relative of an acquaintance to talk about how the ‘devil was dancing in hell tonight just waiting for all the liberals to join him there for their hatred of Tebow.” I totally wanted to wtf punch them in the face.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Dear Son: Don’t Screw My Weekend, Yo

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 16, 2012 at 8:46 am

I don’t know what it is, either, but I didn’t want to say anything because I was planning on googling, like, the second I quit reading this page.

Then I’d know and my point would be moo. (A moo point: A cow’s opinion.)
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The One In Which My Blatant Stupidity Kicks Grief’s Ass

Misty January 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

How YOU doooo-in?
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:28 am

@Charity: Keep Calm and fuck me up the ass this whole thing is so goddamn dumb I can’t handle it.

@Danielle: My brother in law totally thinks moot is not the word. It’s Moo. And it makes me smile.

@Misty: I just giggled. IT WORKS.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 16, 2012 at 8:44 am

I believe that if I wear white pants, I WILL start my period.

Also, ditto on all of your beliefs, except the one about farts. Farts stopped being funny when I married a man who could (and does) fart on command, at will, to make a point, prove a point, or just to piss me off.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The One In Which My Blatant Stupidity Kicks Grief’s Ass

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:29 am

OH FUCKING EVERY TIME. It’s like your ovaries KNOW.

Adrian and I have come to an understanding that farts are only funny if I can hear them. It’s the silent ones he dies for.

L.A. January 16, 2012 at 8:48 am

Top Five
-I believe Monday mornings are the devil in disguise
-I believe that when I tell a story, it will either be funny or be the cause of someone getting stabbed
-I believe that my grandmother is the shit because she offered to buy me tape and mail it from MO to MI. Just in case I didn’t have any. Or couldn’t buy any here. Because they don’t sell tape in Michigan.
-I believe hockey was a gift from God.
-I believe that Snail Mail should never be forgotten.
L.A. recently posted..I’d rather laugh with the [Lions] than cry with the Saints.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:40 am

Your grandmother is the nicest person I have ever heard of. Holy shit.

Emi January 16, 2012 at 8:49 am

Hi*effing*larious. I too heart- shape you Noa. I believe in *sorry* the power of positive thinking. Also, “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” Theodore Rubin

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:40 am

Positive thinking is…here we go…kind of legit.

THERE.

Johi January 16, 2012 at 8:53 am

I believe that Noa and her funny bitches (and dudes) have made my life better.

Great post. I love it when you sneak in the insightful shit.
Johi recently posted..Tunes for You on this Fine Sunday

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:42 am

I believe that you are pretty and funny and I’m so glad you’re an all-star because I don’t vote but I would have voted for you.

Kelly January 16, 2012 at 8:58 am

I believe that whoever thinks that “fuck” is a bad word has a stick shoved up their ass.
I believe that even though I’m not necessarily enjoying life right now, I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I believe that having the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy is what keeps me sane.
I believe that having friends who have the sense of humor of 12 year old boys are the best kind.
I believe that if you haven’t laughed hard enough to pee your pants, you truly haven’t laughed hard.
I believe in all of us. Because we’ve all been through some serious shit, and we’re still here.

Less than three,
Kelly
Kelly recently posted..ZOMGSNOWPACOLYPSE!!!!!!

Jana January 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

Damn, I love all of those…
Jana recently posted..It’s MONDAY BIOTCHES

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:44 am

I believe in your ability to be a constant supply of the most creative curse words I’ve ever known.

Jen January 16, 2012 at 8:58 am

- I believe that as stated in the book “Eat, Pray, Love”, my exhusband was my soulmate; brought into my life to tear me down so that I could grow stronger and build myself back up
– I believe that “Eat, Pray, Love” was the most self-indulgent pile of horseshit ever written and Elizabeth Gilbert needs to be bludgeoned with a bag of dicks
– I believe the words “moist” and “succulent” should be abolished from the common vernacular
– I believe in the Holy Trinity: Target, Starbucks, and H&M
– I believe that Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Rachel Bilson are the same person
– I believe that SyFy’s “Being Human” is superior to the BBC’s version
– I believe that Stephenie Meyer should have her hands crushed with a LaserJet printer before she ever writes again
– I believe that “Firefly” and “Twin Peaks” were the last truly innovative shows of this century
– I believe my true name is Kate
– I believe in making the most of the best and the least of the worst
– I believe that any food may be improved with either peanut butter or bacon. . .or both
– I believe that no matter how old I get or hard I try, I will always look in the mirror and see that ugly little fat girl looking back
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

Jackie G January 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I can’t believe I am even typing these words, cause that is how much I hate them – but YES. “Moist”, “succulent”, “panties”, “flesh” and “mucus” are the worst words in the English language EVER and if you say them to me (or try to be cute and form a sentence with all of them) I will instantly terminate our friendship and cunt punt you into next month. THEY ARE GROSS WORDS. Stop it.

Jen January 16, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Ohhh. . .God. . .”panties”. . .how could I have forgotten that one. ((crawling under table and rocking back and forth in fetal position))
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

iampisspot January 17, 2012 at 7:18 am

I’ll take the word ‘moist’ and raise you the word ‘discharge’.
iampisspot recently posted..30 Day Photography Challenge: Day 2 ~ What I wore today

Myth January 16, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I never, ever want to hear a sentence that involves “succulent,” “panties,” and “mucus” all at once. The possibilities that are already springing to mind make me retch.

Jana January 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

And the words “moist passage” and “turgid member” must be banned from every slutty book that I read
Jana recently posted..Ho’s and Mo’s

Misty January 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm

It makes me eternally sad & horrified that Stephanie Meyer made one red cent on her hack writing, and not only that, but that she is famous & wealthy because of bad grammar, trite story lines & horrific subject matters suitable for only the dimmest of pre-teen bulbs. What’s more is that she’s so popular that young writers may try to emulate her and her horrific style. She deserves to be bitch-slapped so hard she sparkles.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:47 am

That’s what editors who love to read only shitty fan fiction will get you.

Millions. Fucking MILLIONS.

Charity January 17, 2012 at 10:50 am

Firefly. Amazing.

I will also toss in “The Secret” was also a pile of horseshit.

Stephenie Meyer– Try The Host. Was actually a decent book– not bad at all. Even my hubby liked it.
Charity recently posted..Who bled on the fucking toilet seat? And, Anthony Bourdain.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:47 am

OH FUCK. The Secret. How could I forget?

Jen W January 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Oooooo “The Secret” makes me want to punch people. I had a co-worker give me “The Secret” as well as “Radical Forgiveness” and some book of strength and spirit meditations for women. She also bought me this high fiber cleanse diet pack. Apparently she thought I was overweight, full of shit and damaged. Mind you, she had an alcohol problem, was having multiple affairs and had put her 10 yr old daughter on the cleanse diet so I’m not really sure she was one to point fingers.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:46 am

@Jen: MOTHERFUCKING ELIZABETH GILBERT MAKES ME WANT TO AXE KICK MONKEYRATS. That is the most narcissistic boring bullshit book ever. FUCK IT.

Also, I believe my true name is Katie. Weird.

@Jackie, Myth, and Jana: Moist=so gross. Soooo gross.

@Pisspot: And…you win.

kim January 16, 2012 at 9:40 am

Grrrrr. For a while last year I didn’t believe in anything. Not even Keith Richards. Amazing what a little time will do.

* I believe the moment that rain turns into snow is the most magical of all.
* I believe in second chances, but probably not third.
* I believe you can’t buy “cool”
* I believe that music makes everything better. And laughter and garlic and wine and sugar. And butter. And shoes and panties and having a theme song.
* I believe that if I start with botox I will end up with cheekbone fillers and injections of enzymes to dissolve my jowl-fat and end up looking like a fucking bug. I’d rather keep telling myself I am fabulous.
* I believe I will write a book one day and make enough money from it that I will never have to set foot in a hospital again.
* I believe life is wildly random , that God has nothing to do with right or wrong, and we’re not supposed to be alone.

And the don’ts…
* I don’t believe that listening to reggae and smoking pot can make a white boy from the suburbs the slightest bit black.
* I don’t believe in chihuahuas.

Mandi E. January 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Much like evolution, you can’t *not* believe in chihuahuas. You either accept them, or you reject them. I reject the yappy little crap factories from the depths of my cold, black heart, but I’m still forced to believe in their offensive existence. And that is what is wrong with the universe. That, and anything named Kardashian.
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:48 am

@Kim and Mandi: I, too, don’t believe in chihuahuas. Weird little bastards.

Mayor Gia January 16, 2012 at 9:53 am

I believe in the power of wine.
Mayor Gia recently posted..An Interview with a Polar Bear (and Alligator)

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Amen, sistah. And vicodin.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Dumbassery Du Jour

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:49 am

@Mayor Gia and Danielle: And vodka sours. Oooohhhh Vodka sours.

Meg January 16, 2012 at 10:18 am

- I believe that everything can go my way as long as I have my lucky rubber ducky near.
– I believe that no matter how “bad” a person’s teeth, his smile can still be the most beautiful part of my day when he laughs at my stupid joke. Because he means it.
– I believe that having a circle of friends who love me even with my quirks (like the above-mentioned lucky rubber ducky) makes me the luckiest woman on the planet.
– I believe that obsessively Tweeting my favorite celebrities is a valid hobby.
– I believe that LOLCats will eventually save the world by bringing peace and joy to even the fiercest cat-haters.
– I believe that I’m bloody insane for WANTING to become a runner in my 30s…but also that a little insanity never hurt anyone.
– I believe in funny-as-hell women bloggers like Noa and The Bloggess (and many of you that I’ve read because of them!).
– I believe that laughing so hard I have hot tea come out of my nose while reading Noa’s blog first thing in the morning is a character-building experience.
Meg recently posted..Running For Another…And For Myself

Mandi E. January 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I believe that shooting hot tea through your nose should be referred to (and patented as) Noa’s Liquid Lobotomy.)
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Meg January 17, 2012 at 12:55 am

I concur! Let’s have a vote on it!
Meg recently posted..Monday Music: Beck

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:50 am

@Meg: Tweet at Luby’s. They’ll fight back! My brother in law started running in his 30’s too, and now he’s a marathoner! I believe in YOU.

@Mandi: Noa’s Liquid Lobotomy. I love you so hard.

Meg January 19, 2012 at 10:55 am

Aww, thank you! I’m getting there with the believing in my running thing. Getting there.
Meg recently posted..Wordless Wednesday — I Hope Sanity Prevails

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

- I believe that being able to have a sense of humor about things has saved my ass on many occasions
– I believe nostalgia trumps taste (which explains why I have Huey Lewis on my iPod)
– I believe if more people knew who Buster Keaton was, the world would be a better place
– I believe the internet has made me feel a little less weird
– I believe in spay and neuter laws. Why? Because then we wouldn’t have to see nearly as many ASPCA and HSUS ad on the TV and they bum me out, even though I know that if someone filmed my dogs on our back porch shivering in the rain refusing to go take a piss because they don’t want to get wet and set it to sad piano tinkling, it would have the same effect.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Season 1 Episode 15

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:51 am

WE’RE SO HIP TO BE SQUARE.

What? No. I don’t know Huey Lewis. I hope you feel even more normal now.

Carri January 16, 2012 at 10:36 am

I believe I’ll have another vodka tonic.
Carri recently posted..Seriously, You Need to Try This Iced Coffee

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 16, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I believe I’ll join you. And make mine a double.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Dumbassery Du Jour

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:52 am

@Carri and Danielle: Cheers, bitches.

Chris January 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

I believe Paula Poundstone is kind of hot! :)

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:52 am

WELL THEN, DO I HAVE THE PADDED BLAZER FOR YOU.

Jennielynn January 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

I believe in discount retail, especially HomeGoods.
I believe in Dr. Who, the Tardis and Rose Tyler.
I believe in the restorative powers of good wine, good coffee and good sex.
I believe in a flame thrower for the zombie apocalypse.
I believe that in 50 years, no one will even remember Twilight or anything by Nicholas Sparks.
I believe that I will never be able to carry a tune and that is just fine.
I believe in blogging, reaching out to total strangers and finding a damn miracle.
And finally, I believe you are as funny as my grandma. She’s fucking hilarious and all my best filthy jokes come from her.
Jennielynn recently posted..The Millionth Time I’ve Written About Grief.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:53 am

Blogging is a weird place that connects weird people with weird people. And I love every goddamn minute of it,

Also–thank you.

Mandi E. January 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

–I believe that today’s holiday is only welcome in that all the Packers fans are bitching and whining at home instead of in my ear.

–I believe that today was the most pointless work day ever because everyone is off and crying into their leftover beer over the Packers.

–I believe that I will be instituting a margarita lunch break since there’s nothing to do and my boss is out shooting furry woodland creatures to get over the Packers’ loss.

–I believe that Food Network is only intended to be watchable when you’re shit faced, stoned off your ass, and any combination thereof.

–I believe my husband needs to go out of town more often. I’m digging the clean house, the unlimited craft time, and sleeping diagonally in our queen bed.
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I believe that life would be perfect if my husband and I could have our own houses. Next door to each other, but still… separate living quarters.

Just sayin’.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Dumbassery Du Jour

Misty January 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm

That sounds like perfection! Or at the very least….separate bedrooms at opposite sides of the house.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Mandi E. January 17, 2012 at 6:34 am

Actually, we have dual masters here… I could totally make that happen.
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:55 am

@Mandi: I always think it will be fun when Adrian leaves for the night, and then I get weird lonely and have to call him a lot. Creeperwife, right here.

@Danielle: Apparently, that’s a big thing now. DO IT.

@Misty: I would LOVE to have separate bedrooms.

sars! January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

my relationship wouldn’t work without two bedrooms. Rare is the day we sleep apart but it happens on those nights when one of us is super I’ll or he is up on the computer until the ass crack of dawn when I’m getting up for work. It’s also nice because there is no closet overlap and he stays out of my bathroom.
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Pish Posh January 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Everything can’t be your fault because its my fault.

I believe that Churros are the answer. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride and remind them how we used to be…

I also believe that not having a tv saves brain power.. for me to consume more beer.

Finally, I believe that gossip is the work of small nasty minds and that people should always give each other the benefit of the doubt before flipping out.

And churros.
Pish Posh recently posted..What Was Your Dream?

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:55 am

Churros believe in you too.

Tricia January 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I believe in myself.
I believe I will have another child someday, just not sure how right now.
I believe every woman needs a best friend who is NOT her husband.
I believe pearls can class up just about anybody.
I believe that the Nook, Kindle and other e-readers are the devil.

P.S. Thanks Pish Posh, now I won’t be able to get that Whitney Houston song out of my head!
Tricia recently posted..No more champagne taste on a beer budget!

Myth January 16, 2012 at 11:25 pm

I worship my Kindle. Does that make me a Satanist?

In my defense, though, all my paper-and-ink books get ruined one way or another. I lose them, or they collect dust on the bookshelf, or the cat(s) throw up/piss on them… I’m just not responsible enough to take care of them. Whereas I know better than to neglect my Kindle because my aunt spent an unspecified but absurd amount of money on it, and because it’s not just that one book I won’t ever want to reread. Instead, it is ALL the books I may or may not ever want to reread plus some I haven’t read yet. Convenient!

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:56 am

@Tricia: I believe in the not-husband best friend, too, and am saddened by women who insist their husband is their only friend.

@Myth: I hated kindles until I downloaded the kindle app on my iPhone. Now…I am a believer.

Tricia January 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

Sigh…apparently I am the last hold out on ereaders. No, Myth you are not a satanist but I believe your cats might be!

Myth January 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Our cats are not Satanists. They’re just Satan, period.

I would get rid of the fucking cats if I could. All FIVE OF THEM. But they’re technically Mom’s cats. Mom is the classic crazy cat lady—never married, hasn’t dated since 1994, mostly stays at home with her furry army—plus one kid, which cat ladies usually don’t have. Sometimes I’m like, “Oh god, someone shoot me now, or at least the damn cats.”

Jen W January 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

“I believe that the Nook, Kindle and other e-readers are the devil.”

You are sooo right! My sister was bragging about getting a Kindle and I told her I hope she enjoyed paying WAY more for books, only being able to read for as long as it holds a charge and constantly being afraid she is going to drop it. Give me a REAL book.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I believe that having your heart broken changes your very being, and it takes a while to get reaccquainted.
I believe that Michael Jackson and Latoya Jackson are the same person.
I believe that God loves every person, everywhere, every day, infinitely more than we can imagine.
I believe that God created Jesus as His perfect son…and potatoes as His perfect food.
I believe that you can believe whatever you want about the first part, but you’d best not be denying the second.
I believe that there is a Mean Girls quote for every situation.
I believe that my excellent spelling, punctuation, and grammar have and will continue to get me laid.
I believe in the Oxfordian comma.
I believe that I need to be less self-centered and more self-loving.
I believe that the entire time I have been writing this, I have been singing Whitney Houston in my head…

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:57 am

Are they NOT the same person?

Also, I don’t believe in the Oxfordian comma. I’m sorry–now that I’ve changed I can’t go back.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 20, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Oh no, they are. She was at every single part of the trial last year– checking to see how the cover-up is going. I’d rather like to know why “they” killed off the second part of the duo, though. It’s been working for them so well…

We always seem to disagree on something, don’t we?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..And That Is Why God Created The Egg McMuffin

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:11 am

It’s our shtick. We agree on weird shit, but grammar is rather divisive.

Myth January 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I believe that moderation is the key to success; it should be applied to everything. Striking a balance between two extremes—like reason and emotion, flexibility and stubbornness, lightheartedness and seriousness—is always better than wandering too far to one side or the other. Similarly, there’s a when, a where, and a “how much” to take into consideration when drinking, screwing, or otherwise indulging yourself. Sometimes you need to loosen up and throw caution to the wind… but you don’t want to be regretting it later.

I believe that overweight people are sexier than skinny people, especially women. Nothing soothes the soul like big, soft, squishy boobs, like a sexy, cuddly, sexy teddy bear.

I believe moms will always be a little dorky (or at least my mom), and that’s okay because it’s the best thing about moms. They are shameless.

I believe that I may be friends with a Lovecraftian horror and/or a soulless robot. His name is Jesse. I don’t mind that much, because he’s pretty cool. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Jesse R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

I believe that all fantasy medieval characters should have arbitrarily assigned overexaggerated accents, like Cody’s werewolf shaman dude with the Russian mafioso voice. In a setting where Russia does not even exist. Or Cody’s other character, the “professional face-puncher” adventurer extraordinaire that sounds like a drunken leprechaun. Cody’s voice can do magical things.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 2:58 am

Moderation is the key, if we all knew how to do it. I wish I knew.

Misty January 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I believe that I chose the wrong profession . . . I should have been an artist, a writer, or a stripper. I mean, I already had the name . . . .
I believe it should be mandatory to retake driving tests every 10 years, until you turn 60, then every 5 years.
I believe that noodles are both my god, and the devil.
I believe we should have 3 day weekends.
I believe mushrooms should be outlawed as an illegal substance.
I believe marijuana should be legalized.
I believe wine should be calorie-free. Also Dunkin Donuts Caramel Iced Lattes.
I believe that I am a better mother than I give myself credit for.
I believe that no matter how much I weigh, I will never be happy with my body.
I believe that this blogosphere and all you crazy bitches have actually saved my life. This is not hyperbole . . . I was travelling down a dark path which was brightened considerably when I started my blog and all of you entered my life.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: I’m Baaaa-aaaack!!

Jen January 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I believe that when Misty and I finally meet in person the sheer level of awesomeness will create a black hole, thus eradicating the universe as we know it. But what a way to go!
Jen recently posted..I’m a Republican…You’ve Been Warned.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:00 am

@Misty: I HAVE THE EXACT SAME IDEA ABOUT DRIVERS LICENSES!! How do people NOT know that? Shit is dangerous. Also, I believe I love you.

@Jen: I’ll be waiting for your COPS episode.

QOE January 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I believe the children are our future….and it scares the everlovin’ shit out of me.

Mandi E. January 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I believe the children are our future… unless we stop them. And they must be stopped.
Mandi E. recently posted..Government Holidays, Grilled Cheese Failure and Your Monday Recipe Review

Jana January 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

AHHHHH…everytime I scroll past your post I get that Whitney Huston song stuck in my head….Yo, crack is wack…
Jana recently posted..Ho’s and Mo’s

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:00 am

@QOE and Mandi: Me. Too.

@Jana: Whitney is the balls, yo.

Andi January 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I believe the only good thing about Tebow is how funny the Tebowing meme has become.

I believe in the power of the internet to bring people together for good or ill…very, very much ill.

I believe that the people who are spreading the fad of overly white teeth are evil and must be stopped. Teeth are not supposed to look like porcelain. That shizz is creepy.

I believe I enjoy time off from school more than my kids, because it means less nagging.

I believe that my cat wipes her nose on me because she loves me.

I believe that some actors are considered good-looking because they are famous and ubiquitous, not because they’re actually cute.

I believe that the only reason everything tastes like chicken is because chicken tastes like nothing.

I believe that no matter how old and wrinkly you get, if you have a strong sense of self then you can still get laid. You don’t have to be sexy. You just have to be a hundred percent YOU.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — Teen Fiction Edition

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:01 am

Fucking Tebow. I care not for him.

I love the veneers trend, because so few dentists get it right and everyone just looks like Gary Busey.

Jaime January 16, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I believe that bacon just shouldn’t have calories… or rather, you should eat it like it doesn’t… cuz it’s just too damn good
I believe that you should love yourself before you try to love someone else
I believe that you can be sexy no matter what size you are if you feel it
I believe that you should believe in yourself
Jaime recently posted..this cold has zapped my funny

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:02 am

I would love bacon to be calorie-less. That, and spaghettios.

Dan Perez January 16, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I believe that most people will eventually annoy the shit out of me (I’m usually right).
Dan Perez recently posted..Can I Get A Witness? The Case for Gary Oldman

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:02 am

I can’t wait to annoy you!

L-Kat January 16, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I believe socks are prison cells for feet.
L-Kat recently posted..Mondo cheek problems? There’s an app for that!

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:02 am

Thank God. Me too.

Monica January 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

I believe this post was excellent.

I believe life will certainly get better if you don’t pussy out and kill yourself first.

I believe all old men look like Ian McKellen.
Monica recently posted..The Force watches you masturbate

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:05 am

I believe you are excellent.

Jana January 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

I believe that the more I get into blogging the more I realize that all you fine ladies are the “norm” and those crazy school mom bitches are the ones that are jacked up.
I believe that if I show my daughters that you can pick yourself up and be resilient that I actually might believe it myself.
I believe that my 12 year old boy humor keeps in sane
I believe that the words “moist passage” should be stricken from every sluttly romance novel that I have read.
I believe that if you can’t mock yourself and everyone else, then life is too short
I firmly believe that spandex has a weight limit (exactly the reason why it’s not in my closet)
I believe that if you have to thank God for every victory and every other little thing that is good in your life, you are selling yourself short.
And finally, I believe that you can’t put caulk in a butt joint (‘cause I read it on the back of the caulk label at home depot.)
I believe I love to say the work caulk
Jana recently posted..It’s MONDAY BIOTCHES

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:06 am

I believe that my Spam filter hates you. Every. Single. Time.

And it’s true–no caulk in the butt joints.

Charity January 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

I had to go back and read this again, because it was brilliant.
Charity recently posted..Who bled on the fucking toilet seat? And, Anthony Bourdain.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:06 am

Thank you so much.

Karen January 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I believe that from the day of his funeral my big brother Brian has been my parking angel. I can park anywhere!

I believe that if I believe it hard enough that it’s true, unless I’m wrong, and then I know it wasn’t true…

I believe that my best is good enough, and the more I do my best the better I will become.

I believe that there is still a chance to learn something new – and find another voice that I can call my own and own.

I believe that new friends are just as good as or even better than old friends…!

I believe that in my life, I need to make it happen – and that I’m here for a reason…

kim January 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Ahhh! Just like my sister Melanie is running recon for me from the other side. I pity the fool that fucks with me.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:08 am

@Karen: Lucky! Your big brother is very cool.

@Kim: AH! This phenomenon of rad siblings is fascinating.

Chris January 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky…

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:08 am

I think about it every night and day. I spread my wings and fly away.

Jana January 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I believe that I had a really good post and for some reason my computer ate it
I believe all you fine ladies and menfolk are teaching me that I am not as crazy as those other school mom wankers make me feel
I believe that teaching my daughters to learn to be resilient in the face of adversity makes me want to believe it myself
I believe that being in the mindset of a 12 year old boy keeps me sane
I believe that you can’t put caulk in a butt joint (‘cause I read it on the back of the tube in home depot, loudly to my husband, three aisles over, who pretended he didn’t know me)
I believe that saying the word caulk always makes me smile
Jana recently posted..Ho’s and Mo’s

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:08 am

I FOUND IT!

Sorry. My spam filter really, really hates you.

Jana January 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

@Noa…dude what is with that….glad you got me out of that hell!
Jana recently posted..Goodbye pink nipples

socialassassin January 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I believe you should ALWAYS believe in Keith Richards. He is one of the immovable constants the world revolves around. In the year he dies I predict a series of strange plagues shall infest the face of the earth.
I believe the rise of food channel TV has had a great result in educating people about food, but there are too many of you who think you’re now as qualified as any chef – and frankly, we’re fucking pissed off about it.
I believe that if buggery is the work of Satan then Christians should not be so free with the phrase “Get Thee Behind Me Satan!”.
I believe that the only homeopathic medicine ever proved to have a genuine healing effect on the human body is laughter.
I believe Elvis and Lord Lucan co-own a strip joint in Tijuana.
I believe I may have soiled myself.
socialassassin recently posted..A Sideways Look At Not Being Backward About Moving Forward.

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:09 am

I believe that if buggery is the work of Satan then Christians should not be so free with the phrase “Get Thee Behind Me Satan!”.

Woke Adrian up laughing. Jesus Christ, SA.

sars! January 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I believe scars from emotional abuse take longer to heal than scars from physical abuse (more often than not)
I believe our friends really are our energy and do in fact re-charge our emotional battery in a way noting else can.
I believe if you say you are going to do something, do it.
I believe if you have no money, not a pot to piss in but if you have your integrity, you have all you need to move forward and rebuild. The most heinous asshole can take a lot of things from you but integrity can’t be taken from you by anyone.
I believe beautiful women can get ugly by opening their mouth and speaking.
I believe that I will be writing a blog on the trifecta of gus because Noa asked for it and should be prepared.

Oh and I believe all things are better with butter, bacon or beer.
sars! recently posted..I peed a little

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:10 am

I would rather be punched in the jaw than be verbally humiliated ever again. Hang tough.

Also: This. So much this. “I believe beautiful women can get ugly by opening their mouth and speaking.”

Beth January 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I believe my dog eats my other dogs shit off the floor when we are not home…who leaves one turd? Did he just get full?
I believe I won’t ever allow my dog to lick my face again
I believe as long as someone other than myself is cleaning it up, I am ok with it
I believe I am pregnant every month even when my period isn’t due
I believe pregnancy tests are expensive
I believe one day I will finally be pregnant and will be cleaning up another variety of shit

Noa January 19, 2012 at 3:11 am

“I believe I am pregnant every month even when my period isn’t due
I believe pregnancy tests are expensive
I believe one day I will finally be pregnant and will be cleaning up another variety of shit”

EVERY FUCKING MONTH AT MY HOUSE.

One day, I won’t have to play this bullshit baby game anymore. And then I’ll be really pregnant. SHIT.

Jen W January 19, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I believe the US Air Force hates me. We spent our last three years in Germany and now we are stuck in South Dakota.
I believe my two year old daughter is trying to kill me.
I believe that no matter how strong I try to be( and I’m told I HAVE to be) while my husband is deployed, I am going to break down some days and that is OK.
I believe in ghosts.
I believe that The Graham Norton Show is hilarious and I want to be a guest on it.
I believe that The Bloggess, Oh Noa, Awesomely Luvvie and Regretsy KICK ASS.
I believe that Terry Pratchett, Christopher Moore and Roald Dahl are the best authors ever.
I believe that my sister in law is too stupid to live. If heart beats and breathing weren’t involuntary, she would have died at birth.
I believe that no matter what I do to my face or body, I will never believe I am beautiful.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:01 am

Because I’m a huge dork…what made you believe in ghosts?

Also, I really must know more about your SIL. She sounds like a shitshow I’d love to see.

And you know what? You are beautiful. I know it.

Jen W January 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I started believing in ghosts when I was a little girl. I would hear, see, smell and feel things that no one else seemed to. I knew I wasn’t crazy so I decided to stop doubting myself and start paying attention. It can be pretty awesome and sometimes freaky eerie. I won’t go into the specifics b/c I know most people are already thinking I’m batshit crazy now and will probably blast the beegeebers out of me for it. I don’t mind sharing specifics but sadly, public forums are an awful place to do it these days.

My sister in law is an east Texas redneck who once announced on Facebook that she was trying to learn how to play Clue but it was way too complicated so she quit the game…she is 28. She has more duck-faced mirror pics of herself than anyone I’ve ever encountered. She kept telling me she wanted to use cookbooks but she didn’t know what most of the ingredients in the recipes were and she didn’t understand the cooking terms. I bought her a Sanda Lee cookbook (if you know her show you know ANYONE can make that crap) and she was still confused. Having a conversation with her is a nightmare. I could go on and on.

Thank you for thinking I’m beautiful…you poor confused soul lol.

Terra January 22, 2012 at 1:45 am

I’m apologizing in advance.
I believe that this:
http://kommiekomiks.com/blood-intro.htm
is grosser than the Diva Cup.

Yeah, sorry, again.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:03 am

SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS MARY AND JEROME.

I can’t…just…what? WHAT?

Terra January 24, 2012 at 1:31 am

I’m SORRY!!

Someone showed me a link like this in the last year. My reaction was the same, and I just can’t possibly be the only one who’s mind is fucked.

iamsosorry.

Myth January 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

So, on the one hand… that is fucking disgusting. I can hardly stand to handle my own used pads (I hate tampons) without feeling sick because I can’t stand the sight of blood. PAINTING with your period blood is so, so, so gross.

On the OTHER hand (because, you know, I have two of them), she raises SOME good points. Namely, she follows proper hygiene when doing the painting, and she does it because painting with blood looks cool—her period just happens to be the best source of blood to paint with. So… EW, super, super EW, I don’t think you should paint with blood because that’s so ridiculously goth and gross and it’s BLOOD, but fine, if she wants to paint with it, whatever.

I find it really depressing that people told her she should KILL HERSELF because she paints with her menstrual blood. Seriously? Criticism is to be expected, but REALLY, assholes? You’re THAT bothered by it?

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I believe that, in the end, everything is going to be a-ok. This one truth has helped me push forward even when I just wanted to jump off a bridge.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: How do you like them apples?

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

I hate to say this to you…but I teared up a little reading this.

And that’s what a period feels like.

Candice January 27, 2012 at 8:39 pm

What the hell kind of things can you make from breast milk? And, dear God, why?

Noa January 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

After Googling:

1. Soap
2. Sexual Lubricant
3. Sweetener
4. Moisturizer
5. Any number of other horrific things.

Candice January 31, 2012 at 1:51 am

Is it just me or does it seem wrong to make a sexual lubricant from something that is supposed to feed your kid? And again, Dear God, why??

Andrea June 7, 2012 at 2:43 am

I believe that DivaCups are bloodier but tampons are grosser. Cuz sahara-cooch and things that grow germs and smell funky are more unpleasant. Discovered the cup a few months ago and I want to buy that thing a motherfucking tiara.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

NO. NO.

NO.

GROSS.

Andrea June 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Ahhh. My day isn’t complete until I’ve grossed someone out. You’re welcome.
Andrea recently posted..Shitballs

Andrea June 7, 2012 at 2:45 am

And churros were the best school lunch treat EVER.

I miss those things.

Maybe you can buy them…

*le google*

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

YOU HAD CHURROS IN SCHOOL?

Fuck you twice.

Andrea June 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Yes? That’s what they called the ridged crispy outside/doughy inside cinnamon sticks anyway. They were phallic-shaped so you’d think there would have been more dick jokes (especially with the funny name) but I think they were just too delicious to mock. Plus the homophobic jock clique would have been the ones likely to start a smear campaign, but if they did anything they wouldn’t have been able to eat a churro without risking their friends turning against them. Thus it remained sacred.

And god help you if you were in last lunch – it was a bloodbath.
Andrea recently posted..Shitballs

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: