There are certain things in this world that people do to make themselves and others smile. I tell jokes. Some craft. Others make food or babies or photos or sunshine.

These things are designed to make you appreciate the beauty in the world, slow down for a minute, and remember to build your relationships with others.

These certain things make me want to waterboard myself so I’ll have something else to look at.

HeartHands

I See A Face-Punch Target

Heart hands are just a censored version of Goatse (for the love of God, if you don’t know what it is, don’t Google it). There’s not a 13-year-old girl alive who doesn’t have a photo of herself on Facebook with hearthands over her eye, and few wedding photos without at least one set of blended heart hands.

HeartHands are the herpes of photography, ingratiating themselves into every single photo ever taken. It started out innocently enough with someone noticing that we could make many shapes with our incredibly dextrous fingers, and then the internet ruined it for everybody.

Please, next time you think about using HeartHands, remember that you’ll have to shape your hands with every other HeartHand photo in existence. Be part of the solution–make vagina hands instead.

OH GOD NOT THIS ONE.

Baby/Wedding/Engagement/Save The Date Photos

Combo Hate: Tutu, frame in a photo, baby, arbitrary feet

I realize this makes me the most heartless hurricunt that ever was, but I just don’t fucking care.

Frame inside a photo? That’s just terrible.
Toddler in a tutu? Fuck you and your tulled horrorbaby.
Is part of your body arbitrarily out of the frame? WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL. YOU ARE NOT A MAGICIAN. GET YOUR TORSO INTO THE FRAME.

I don’t even like my own engagement photos. They show Adrian and I being nice to each other in front of a Church and walking hand in hand through a park after kissing in front of a fountain. You know the last time we did that?

When we took our fucking engagement photos. MEMORIES.

Mason Jar/Wine Bottle Crafts

It Physically Pains Me To Look At This

Dear God, did you put something into something else? YOU’RE ANDY GODDAMN WARHOL. I know I can’t wait to stare at a tangled mass of Christmas lights used as a decoration to deliberately trigger to my OCD during this dinner party. Can you at least put a veil on it or something?

I just don’t understand the allure. I don’t know why you’d want to keep this in your home. It’s clutter. It’s recycling that you didn’t feel like taking out and therefore declared it as a piece of your home now. To me, it’s the same thing as carpeting over a hobo who started squatting in your hallway. Why? I’m sure there’s a good explanation for why someone would want a light fixture crafted from the remnants of their moonshine bender from September, but I’m going to call bullshit on that.

Then you go and put a tuxedo on it and you ruin goddamn everything. Congratulations on turning trash into illuminated trash.

I have no soul.

What trends do you hate?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Beth: “I’m currently deciding if I am going to go ahead with fertility treatment. I mean, a boat is probably cheaper than a baby and I can have a lot of fun on a boat.”

 

{ 170 comments… read them below or add one }

Front Desk Ninja January 25, 2012 at 3:53 am

a) FIRST POST bitches,
b) Engagement photos are just things you fucking burn when the shit starts to smell bad and you bail. Or is that just me?

c) The ‘Myspace’ photo trend that 9 year old girls have on Facebook right now. I hate it. I admit to being a part of it, when I was 15. But that shit is getting younger and younger, and when your 24 year old friends are on your laptop, looking at pictures of your 9 year old cousin who is dressed like a goddamn whore, shit needs to stop.

I’ve tried to beat her, Noa. I promise you I have tried. It ages her though.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

YESSSSSSS.

We have our engagement book hidden behind about 400 other books. I weep when I see it.

Sometimes you have to shock collar wicked animals. When the beatings don’t take, you know.

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Meg January 25, 2012 at 5:06 am

Pinterest. I can’t decide if I like it or not. It’s like they’ve taken everything wrong with the internet and put it in one place. But then I find myself scanning through and next thing I know, an hour has passed. Fuck me.
Meg recently posted..Once Upon a Time

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 8:31 am

I am torn as well. Can’t decide if Pinterest is preparing me to be a better person with all of the workouts, food, cleaning products, diy projects or if it just makes me hate my life more. Jury is still out on this one!
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wicked opinion January 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

You know who I hate on Pinterest? Those bitter , shit-stirring fat bitchez who start battles over the pictures of skinny bitchez someone posts saying they like the outfit. It’s a goddamned website devoted to this: “Uh, me likey. Repin. The end.” And you wanna start a friggin fight over whether a model needs to eat a sandwich? No, she doesn’t, ok? She eats Newports and beer. Get the fuck over it.

I love that shit. I will look for the best snarky quote with a fifties housewife picture in the midst of the fucking DIY CRAP and nail art for 6 hours. You have to COMMIT to find the best quotes, you know.
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Jen January 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I assume you know of the wonder and glory that is both Anne Taintor and BluntCards?
Jen recently posted..The "Jen" Commandments

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:02 pm

@Meg and Beth: I’m in the same boat. But every once in a while there’s that ONE THING that makes you shit your pants with excitement. I live for that one pin. I’m the saddest Indiana Jones ever.

@Wicked: I LOVE pinterest fights because WHO THE HELL ARE YOU KIDDING? You’re on pinterest bitch, calm the fuck down with your disdain-train about this outfit or that baby seat.

@Jen: I’d hurt myself if it weren’t for blunt cards.

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Brandon S. January 26, 2012 at 11:28 pm

My favorite part about Pinterest fights is knowing that someone somewhere has to put down their drink in order to type faster. Or their cigarette. You choose.
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Meg January 27, 2012 at 3:33 am

It’s getting more obvious to me that I’m not looking for the right things on Pinterest.
Meg recently posted..Once Upon a Time

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Brandon S. January 28, 2012 at 12:32 am

Just use p0rn descriptors as your search terms. I guarantee you’ll get different results.
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Meg January 29, 2012 at 6:39 am

Now I know what I’ll be doing the rest of the day.
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Brandon S. January 30, 2012 at 12:01 am

Mastur…. I mean pinning using p0rn search terms?
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Robyn January 25, 2012 at 6:32 am

I hate when they put the fucking babies in those crocheted fucking hats!! WTF..why would you want to put your baby in an poorly done redition of Angry Birds..or worse yet..a fucking kitten on the kids’ head! Poor kid is gonna grow up with fucktard parents already, why add to their misery?

Also, I’m all for bows..they do make a girl look cute, but does it have to be bigger than her whole damn face and head??!! The size of the flowers put on those fucking headbands is horrid. It’s like it’s going to eat the kid..”Feed me, Seymore!!”

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I hate those….soo…sooooo much. Just saw a pinterest baby with a knitted bow on its head and I thought of this comment.

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I’m just realizing now what a blessing it was that my daughter would not keep a hat or bow on her head long enough to take a picture, so there are very few of those pics. There’s two pics with an orange jack’o'lantern beanie hat on her head at Halloween (looks better than it sounds here) and a handful with small bows. Less is more, I’m glad we don’t have a whole book full of that shit.

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Mayor Gia January 25, 2012 at 6:37 am

Kissy face/duck face photos. You look ridiculous. ‘Nuff said.

..quaaaaaaaack
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Meg January 25, 2012 at 10:07 am

I second this. Especially coming from the same thin-lipped bitches who made fun of my huge lips all through elementary school.
Meg recently posted..Going Down!

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Cyprium January 25, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Oh my God. I hate duck lips so much. My 16 year old daughter took a duck lips photo with her phone, and when I was doing the obligatory going through her shit I found it. I sent it to myself, showed everyone else at dinner, and then proceeded to taunt her by randomly looking at her and screaming “AFLAC!”
To this day, I will look at her and utter a simple ‘wak wak’ and it pisses her off so much! But I bet you she never posts that shit. :)

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Meg January 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

You are the BEST. MOTHER. EVER.

Saving your daughter from a lifetime of humiliation….though humiliation.
Meg recently posted..I [Heart] the Internet

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 10:51 pm

You did right. And if she does it again, show people the picture(s) and ask your daughter (in front of everyone) why she looks like she got hit in the mouth with a tire chain.

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:05 pm

@Gia: Even worse is the collagen lipped bitches who think they’re kidding anyone with their face-tires.

@Meg: I’m so jealous of you. I will still not duck face.

@Cyprium: You raise her right.

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Seems to be a big fad among the high school and college crowd these days. Gawd, they look like they’re snowballing.

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Kelly January 25, 2012 at 7:59 am

I think more than any of the “trending” things that bug me is that everyone and their fucking mother is doing it, posting it on Facebook/Pinterest, and pretending to be oh so original. You’re a fucking hack. Own it.

Also? Taking a self-portrait with your iPhone at a 89 degree angle to hide your double chin and/or goiter? You ain’t foolin’ no one, honey.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I hate those and those fucking chain statuses. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR CLEAN AIR, I WILL NOT REPOST.

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Bill G. February 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

It’s a lot like the hipster movement. It oh-so-original, that’s why 80 million people are doing the same exact fucking thing. Then they get together at festivals, do the same shit, and tell each other how non-conformist they are. How fucked-up is that?

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 8:29 am

The “copy and repost” if you believe in God, hate cancer, are against bullying, like stabbing, hate smiling, if you are a moron, blah, blah, blah. Fucking go away.

Oh, and Justin Bieber…that is all.
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Misty January 25, 2012 at 8:45 am

My 6 year old calls him Justin Beaver and when he saw him on TV recently said, “he looks like a girl.” Yes. That is correct, child. Love my boy.
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Jana January 25, 2012 at 9:30 am

I shed tears of happiness the day my girls said Justin Bieber was lame
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Andi January 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Middlest warmed the cockles of my cold, dead heart the day he said he hated Justin Bieber. Your instincts will serve you well, my child.
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Jen January 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The thought of him and Selena Gomez bumping uglies makes my nether regions itch.
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Meg January 25, 2012 at 10:10 am

Especially when coupled with “only three of my friends will repost this because I only have three moral/upright/cool/worthy friends in my whole life. The rest of you are fucking tools who will ignore this, thus ignoring me and hurting my feelings that you can’t stop and comment on my inane and unoriginal Facebook post.”

OH, and those AWFUL “Let’s raise awareness for breast cancer, ladies, and *gigglegigglegiggle* CONFUZE TEH MENZZZ!!! Post your bra color *gigglegigglegiggle* as your status–nothing else!

No, why don’t you just DONATE to research?
Meg recently posted..Going Down!

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Jackie G January 25, 2012 at 10:36 am

I actually throw a fucking glove down with the “CHANGE YOUR PROFILE PIC TO A CARTOON TO SAVE KIDS FROM BEING BEATEN/ABUSED!!”. I told everyone that believe it or not, changing your picture to fucking Snoopy or Pooh Bear (wtf is a pooh anyway?) wasn’t going to save those kids, and if you really wanted to make a difference, then donate. Someone tried to get smart with me and was like ITS FUN STOP RUINING OUR FUN. Oh okay, I thought you were trying to help kids? Back to your fun, then.

Fuckkkkkkk that.

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Tova January 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Meg- you are so so right! Those statusus make me wish people actually were going on some 11 month vacation somewhere ideally without access to facebook.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:15 pm

@Meg and Jackie: I LOVED when people changed their profile pictures to cartoons to combat childhood sexual abuse. Creepiest slacktivism ever. Who the fuck are we kidding here?

@Tova: Repost if you’re against vacations.

@Nadine: If only it were so simple.

@Jaclyn: That’s…fucking horrifying. Did that really happen?

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Jackie G January 26, 2012 at 11:35 pm

My husband changed his picture for childhood sexual abuse awareness week to Pedobear.

That is why we are married.

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Jaclyn January 27, 2012 at 8:08 am

I’m sure the kid who killed himself didn’t really happen. But those little boys are pretty convinced it did. I told one of them to stop posting that bullshit or I was unfriending him to which he replied “BUT I LOVE MY MOM”, as if there were no other choice in the matter.
Jaclyn recently posted..Peace Out, Girl Scouts. Did I Say Peace Out? I Meant Fuck You

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iampisspot January 27, 2012 at 8:11 am

Ha! I am so with you, Meg.

I fucking HATE those dumbass statuses. Last year, I actually got into a full crack-down argument with some guy I went to school with, over a ‘lets raise awareness of child cruelty by posting a picture of your favourite childhood cartoon character in your profile photo’.

I challenged everyone on my friends list who carried out this ridiculous task, and posted the link to the NSPCC donation website on their walls instead.

It didn’t go down well.

Oh well.
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nadine January 25, 2012 at 11:28 am

i would copy and repost anything if the devil promised to eliminate all the people asking me to copy and repost things.
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Jaclyn January 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

YEEEEEEES. This is my biggest pet peeve ever ever ever. I have 3 teenaged nephews who pass it along to each other on Facebook so I have to see every stupid thing 3 times. The last one was something like “a boy found a note in his mom’s purse from the doctor saying she had cancer and only had a few days to live so he left a note for her that he would be waiting for her in heaven and killed himself”. And then it said REPOST IF YOU LOVE YOUR MOM.

1. Doctor’s aren’t the fucking principal. No one gets a note saying they only have a few days left to live. I just imagine a print-out that says “Diagnosis: Cancer; Days Left to Live: 3″. I guess to prove to your loved ones that you are like, totally not making up your deadly cancer and stuff.
2. If someone actually only has a few days left to live, they are going to be in the fucking hospital, not at home packing your fucking school lunch like everything is fine. YOU WOULD NOTICE IF SOMEONE WAS ACTIVELY DYING IN FRONT OF YOU!
3. YOUR MOM DOESN’T WANT YOU TO “wait for her in heaven”, YOU SELF-IMPORTANT LITTLE DICK.
Jaclyn recently posted..Peace Out, Girl Scouts. Did I Say Peace Out? I Meant Fuck You

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:12 pm

@Beth: I always manage to tie in a reply with the next comment really nicely at least once a post. I HATE that shit so much. “If you believe in Jesus, he’ll know if you don’t repost.” You know what? Jesus ain’t on Facebook.

@Misty, Jana, Andi, and Jen: You are raising them right, and I fucking love you for that.

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Misty January 25, 2012 at 8:50 am

Tebowing. Thank god that shit is over, but for a while there I wanted to cunt punch every dillhole that thought that was cool, and I especially wanted to come right through my TV to nad scratch that stupid boy who started it all. No, God does not love you or your team more than other teams and your great pass was not God’s hand reaching down and gently placing it into your receiver’s hands. Now go away with all that holy roller bullshit. I’m sure there is a small town in Africa or some fucking where that needs to be saved or something. Go. God says so. He told me himself. Praise Allah!
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Six

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Krista January 26, 2012 at 1:01 am

As a Broncos fan, I want to wholeheartedly apologize for Tebowing. And as a dear friend of mine said, “maybe if Tebow stopped throwing the ball to Jesus, he could actually complete a pass.”

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:17 pm

@Misty: I hated Tebowing so much. I hated planking, and owling, and all that other shit too. It had too much of a military take-over feel.

@Krista: I wish he weren’t so damn good looking. He’d be easier to dislike.

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Monica January 25, 2012 at 9:05 am

Baby bump photos.

I don’t care if people take them. Whatever. I planned to have a photo shoot before I miscarried. But I don’t want to see them. I am not impressed with the “miracle” of life. I was absolutely gobsmacked when it happened to me, because HOLY SHIZZLE, THERE’S A HUMAN LIFE GROWING INSIDE ME! But when it happens to other people, it’s just one of those things that happens to lots of people. And they all feel the same way about me, which is why if I get pregnant again and manage to hang on to it long enough to get a bump, I’ll be taking the photos and keeping them private.

Unless you put the goddamn baby there, I don’t imagine you want to see my naked preggo ass, and I don’t want to see yours.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 25, 2012 at 11:07 am

And then the addition of the hand hearts on top of the pregnant belly – double no-thank you.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:18 pm

@Misty: I saw one yesterday where the lady held a frame around her naked bump, which was protruding through, and she had baby shoes hanging over it. Magic.

@Carrie: Have you seen the ones with heart hands, bumps, and heart hand shadows?

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Charity January 25, 2012 at 9:13 am

The wine bottle thing. I have family members who dig that shit. I’m not a fan.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm

That website offers some with decoupage on them!

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Charity January 25, 2012 at 9:16 am

Heart hands = throat punch.

Why would anyone do vagina hands?
Charity recently posted..Pop Rocks in your Hoo-Hah AND Texts with Jay.

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 9:39 am

Until I hear otherwise, heart hands are just another gang sign.
http://hamptonroads.com/node/312491
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:23 pm

@Charity: Because vagina hands are awesome.

@Beth: The wine barrel lady looks like she’s about to break a rib.

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Jen January 25, 2012 at 9:32 am

Heart hands make me think of that squinty troll Taylor Swift and then I am compelled to stab my short people with a MAC eyeliner and that just fucks with some perfectly decent cosmetics, sooooo…

…I share with you a tale of our fervent University of Oregon fans. For years they’ve been packing the stands in their green and gold, holding their hands aloft, touching thumbs and forefingers to create a glorious “O”. Of course, it was recently noted by the Speech Pathology department that for generations our fans have been using sign language for the word “vagina”, but considering what pussies we are in Oregon, it only stands to reason.
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Andi January 25, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Actually, the sign for “vagina” is elongated — your hands are close to flat, and most people rotate them so the thumbs are on top and your palms are facing inward. I can make an “O” with my hands that doesn’t look like a pussy. Yes, I know I’m gifted.

On the other hand, I fully believe that some people are making “vagina” signs when they think they’re making an “O.” People are stupid.
Andi recently posted..The Exits are Here, Here, and Here But Don’t Worry…We’ll All Be Out Before You!

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Charity January 26, 2012 at 8:51 am

Why does that bitch always squint? I want to prop open her eyes with toothpicks.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:25 pm

@Jen: Oh, Taylor Swift. Are you Asian? Are you? I’m calling bullshit on you.

@Andi: My mom totally held up vagina hands one day to make an A, and I died.

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 10:54 pm

My wife is hard of hearing and grew up in a family where about half of them are deaf. She tells me that people all over the place sign “pussy” in American Sign Language and have no idea they’re doing it. It’s a real joke among the deaf. Remember that next time you get tempted to do heart-hands.

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Jana January 25, 2012 at 9:35 am

1. Baby bump casting (you know when you make those stupid molds of you bell) Why the FUCK do you want to do that?
2. Scrapbooking – seriously, you had all elementary school to get that shit out of your system! I don’t want to look at you nasty family photos with all the cutsie stickers…they make me want to vomit and punch you.
3. Moms who dress like their teens. Twatwaffle, no one wants so see your c-section scar.
4. Adult women who wear the Twilight shirts (and before you guys all cap on my ass) It’s LAME…..FUCKING LAME……and child services is watching you. Leave shark boy alone and go for the hotties that can at least buy you a drink with their own money.
Jana recently posted..When showering Sally met the nut

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Jana January 25, 2012 at 9:37 am

*yeah, I got typos….thats what happens when you get all worked up with no coffee….fuck
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:26 pm

@Jana: About the bump casting: what do you do with it then? Hang it on your wall? Why?!?!?!

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Cheryl S. January 25, 2012 at 9:50 am

Duck face photos. OK , ladies, I know it’s supposed to look sexy, but here’s a news flash. Unless you’re a model, you look like you’re having some sort of horrifying allergic reaction. NOT. SEXY.

Facebook photos of yourself taken in your bathroom (usually of you making the duck face). Get a fucking tripod and some class.

Those stupid stickers on the back of cars. Either stick people showing your family, a certain number of pairs of big and little flip flops, whatever. I don’t care.

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Jess January 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm

My favorite has to be the bathroom photos with the dirty toilet in the mirror reflection…really? What makes you think I want to see where you deuce?

On a semi-related note, Craigslist advertisers notoriously only take a picture of the toilet when posting an ad for an apartment. And it also happens to be the toilet that has never been cleaned, ever. Thanks for showing me how special your dwelling is by showing the most unique part of it, as if NO OTHER apartment has indoor plumbing! Where do I sign?!

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:28 pm

@Cheryl: The other day, I saw a back-window sticker with a man, a woman, and bags and bags of money, and I laughed my ass off.

@Jess: “Oh goodness nancy, look at this toilet! There’s no bedroom or kitchen, but HEY!”

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 10:56 pm

If people want to look like they’re snowballing in their photos, I guess that’s their business. No thanks, and I’ll find innovative ways to convince my daughter not to do it.

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Bill G. February 4, 2012 at 9:39 am

No doubt! Of all places to photograph yourself: the BATHROOM?!?! My $120 digital camera has 5, 10, and 15-second delay. I bought a 22″ tripod for $8. It’s not hard to take a step up to the kitchen or back deck, people looking at your pics on Facebook would probably appreciate it.

The family stickers on the back of the van is a huge fad in Utah. Nobody on the street cares how many kids you have or your cute nicknames for them. For the 0.0000000001% that does care: that’s what Facebook is for.

I’ve been seeing a lot of vehicles (usually small SUVs and trucks) driven by men with the family stickers titled “The Ass Family”. The wife and kids are named dumbass, lardass, etc. That shit was sorta kinda funny a few years ago. Now that EVERY divorced 50-something is doing it to be a rebel, it’s just bullshit. Find another joke, fucktard.

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Alison B January 25, 2012 at 10:15 am

Duck face. Come on you 12 year old freaks, nobody cares for your hastily flung up peace sign and duck face. Change your profile pic to the much more tasteful over the head boob shot with the toilet in the background. We can all relate to the pain of forgetting to flush.

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Peace signs must die. Must.

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Ally January 25, 2012 at 10:17 am

Guys wearing skinny jeans. Who wants to see a guy with chicklen legs? Nobody!

These same guys are also the ones with the perfectly coiffed handlebar mustaches. I hate them for that too.
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Monica January 25, 2012 at 10:19 am

Fortunately, hipsters are easy to avoid. They congregate in their own areas, and in ironic places.
Monica recently posted..I would have brought a keg, but that might have seemed rude

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:31 pm

@Ally: Hipsters. Everyone hates hipsters. Even hipsters do.

@Monica: American Apparel is a hipster terrarium.

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leigh January 25, 2012 at 10:23 am

oh i am not a fan of engagement photos, which we never did – couldn’t justify the money… i wasn’t even really a fan of doing the wedding photos… so posed… so… not us! i am also not a fan of maternity photos – i mean, yes, it’s cool to have as a memory – but a professional shoot? and the naked ones… dear god… no! or the baby’s first photo shoot… you know where they have them all stuffed in a loosely knitted sock-thing? or shoved in a shoe/giant teacup/top hat/who the hell knows what else…
and first birthday cake smash… waste of a f-ing cake! WTF?

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 11:04 am

I wasn’t a fan of all the posed wedding photos either, but did them. We got married in a catholic church so there was this giant metal anti-abortion sign that said “need help” written across it. I had the photographer take pictures of us with the sign while holding my little flower girl. I sure as shit put it in all our family’s photo albums.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

@Leigh: Ours came with the package. We tried to make them normal, and now I wish we’d have just gone shitballs deep and been fucking crazy with them.

@Beth: We, blessedly, have only 3 posed wedding shots, and we didn’t even want them. Though, in one of them, we’re all doing the robot.

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L-Diggitty January 25, 2012 at 10:41 am

Vagina hands all the way! This will be my new Facebook profile pic, mark my words….
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Please duck face in between your hands.

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nadine January 25, 2012 at 11:34 am

I hate pictures of people’s kids looking like dirtbags with food all over them. The one ubiquitous baby’s-first-spaghetti is normal, but we get it… toddlers eat dirty all the time, i don’t need to see a picture on facebook of each night’s dinner smeared with saliva and kool aid all over your offspring.

MOAR CAT PICTURES PLEASE.
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Jen January 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Amen. If I want to look at dirty, white-trash children I have my own.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm

@Nadine: I hate dirty kid photos. Hate them. That’s the Southen Lady in me saying, “your kid is dirty and I judge you for it.”

@Jen: I love you. Do you know that?

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Jen January 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Of course you love me, because I am YOU in 20 years. Revel in the sheer awesomeness that awaits in your future, my dear.
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Angela January 25, 2012 at 11:47 am

Shit I could go the rest of my life without seeing or hearing (about):

1. Mustaches on every-fucking-thing. Seriously? They’re ugly on ALL men, so how is they’re suddenly the cutest thing ever? Fucking hipsters.

2. The goddamned miracles of the crockpot. Apparently its a cauldron of wonder that you can just throw shit into and produce a five star dining experience without really having to cook anything. I call bullshit.

3. “Thinspirations” or any other sort of motivational/spiritual twaddle that some jackass thinks she/he needs to share with the world. I don’t give a fuck if you think “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” or if “what you love most about your home is the person you share it with.” Keep that “live, love, laugh” shit to yourself.

4. Turning ratty ass old t-shirts or other fabric scraps into scarves/belts/bracelets/whatever. These things put the CRAP in scrap.

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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Whoever said “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” has never eaten cheese.

The end.

Oh, and I absolutely CAN believe that shit ain’t butter. FYI.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Awkward Moments In Time

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:39 pm

My MIL has that on her fridge, no lie. It makes me sad, because there’s a gallon of sour cream in that very fridge.

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

My sister wanted to throw her husband a mustache party for his 30th birthday. It made me want to cry.

Also, you’re not on Pinterest, right? Don’t go on.

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Angela January 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

Sadly, yes, I’m on Pinterest. I’d follow your pins if I could find you. Pinterest does a shit job of actually recommending and finding people I give a shit about following.

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Bill G. February 3, 2012 at 10:59 pm

My wife makes crockpot spaghetti occasionally, because it’s nice to come home to a 90% done dinner on a day when we’re both pretty busy. But I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s culinary gold. We do it because it’s EASY. Anybody who says different is lying or has the palate of a billy goat.

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Tova January 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Can we discuss those pregnancy photos where one or more person isn’t wearing clothes? WTF AMERICA!?! The average person and their trailer trash boyfriend are not attractive enough for nude photos normally, but yet somehow they thing being pregnant makes them MORE attractive, enough so for nude ish photos?

*shudder*
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I love that when you get knocked up, you get a license to be nude as a mofo all the time. I don’t want to see it.

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Bill G. February 4, 2012 at 10:18 am

I remember the pic of a naked Demi Moore on the magazine cover. Good god. I don’t blame Demi, she got paid a fuck-ton of money to do it. The print boss that approved it should have a foot in his ass.

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Andi January 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Oh God, the list of trends I hate is so long….

1) Ironic moustaches. Either enter them in a competition or shave ‘em off. There is no in-between.

2) Pretty much all professional pictures of kids. The only way I want to see a photo of your child is if I know your child, and even then I’d prefer a candid to one of those over-artsy shit pieces with your kid stuffed into a flowerpot. I don’t look at those and think, “Aww, cute!” I think, “His SPINE….oh my fuck, his poor little SPINE….”

3) Photographic nudes, pregnant or otherwise. Were you shot by Helmut Lang? Perhaps Robert Mapplethorpe? Then yes, it’s art. Otherwise, it’s private and keep that shit in your bedroom.

4) All Facebook memes. ALL OF THEM. No, you are not being clever or cute. DIAF already.

5) Arts and craps. Particularly the “recycled” stuff. Look, the reason I sew is to make clothes that look at least somewhat like store-bought. The fact that a lot of stores are currently selling patched-together shit does not give you the right to cut up and slap your clothing back together and call it art. Repeat after me: If it is made from toilet paper rolls, it does not belong on the wall.

6) Painted letters or wall quotes used as decoration. Everybody gets tired of reading the same-ass stuff every time they come over. Be really creative — paint the entire damn house with chalkboard paint, then inscribe away. I suggest the complete works of James Joyce. That oughtta keep you busy. Gives your guests something to do too, and a way to pass the time when you’re doing your boring house tour.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Anything that can be described as ‘up cycled’ is another word for “shit I made out of stuff I didn’t want to throw away.”

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Bill G. February 4, 2012 at 10:23 am

No doubt on the kid pictures. The best pics I have of my daughter are from our last ice-fishing outing and other impromptu things like that. It’s nuts to pay a professional photographer $200. My daughter’s best pictures are by accident while out doing something (“Hey, look over here!” Click.).

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Dana the Biped January 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Keeping greeting cards. You want to read drivel? Try Twilight. As least you’ll get a workout lugging it around and running from enraged Twitwits when you dare say that Edward Cullen is a shithead masquerading as a douche with stupid hair. Who cares about the stupid card someone bought you four years ago when they stopped at a grocery store on their way to your party because they remembered your party, but forgot your birthday and so you ended up with a card starting, “To My Brother-in-Law…” when really you’re the person’s cousin.

This is why I fantasize about writing inappropriate greeting cards:

Birthday: “Happy birthday; I’ll probably puke on you at your party.”
Christmas: “The mothership is coming.”
Valentine’s Day: “I’ll put out, but only if you get me the nice chocolates this year. In the big box.”
Sympathy: “Dude. That is teh suck.”
Get Well: “Chin up. It could be worse. *I* could be sick.”
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Monica January 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

OMG. We need to go into business together. A friend and I want to make inappropriate cards. Like:

Outside: I’m sorry your husband left you.
Inside: It’s probably because you won’t fuck him now that you have a baby.
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Jen January 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

OUTSIDE: Have a Merry Christmas!
INSIDE: I’m sorry my dog pissed on your Baby Jesus lawn ornament.
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: Nathan Fillion vs. Newt Gingrich

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Dana the Biped January 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I think I’m in love with both of you.

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Dana the Biped January 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Let’s have some honesty in our cards, right? Love it!
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:44 pm

@Dana: I…I’m so ashamed. I have every card ever given to me. I can’t throw them away. I have a problem. HELP ME DANA.

@Monica: I love you.

@Jen: OH GOD YES.

@Dana: Agreed.

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Brandon S. January 26, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I kid you not I have this greeting card. I bought it for my Other half because I THOUGHT it was in the blank section and could write a little note inside. The outside, innocently enough said something like “Just a little note to tell you”. And I thought… ok… this will work (being kinda disgustingly cute). Till I got home and realized the inside read “You’re a dick and someone had to tell you”.

It’s still in the drawer waiting for the right recipient.
Brandon S. recently posted..Can One Really Have Too Much Hermes?

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Cyprium January 26, 2012 at 11:29 pm

OMG – Please scan that card and email it to me ASAP. I need to send it to my siblings with all of my apologies from before inside. :D Please?

Oh, and because the comments on this blog are off the chain and there are a brazillian of them, I went from my email to this page and then used “ctrl + f” to find the word “DICK” and just so you are all aware, it was on the page 5 times, and 3 of those times belonged to 1 comment, by Myth. I applaud you Myth. I got an extra giggle :)

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Brandon S. January 28, 2012 at 12:27 am

I have to figure out which drawer I put it in. See there are many dicks in my life. I’m gay. It’s a truth. Wait…. I’m off topic already dammit.
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elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Ok, I’ve never admitted this out loud before, but I hate pregnant belly photos. I think it’s weird and totally TMI. I don’t really want to see that hairy line that goes down from your belly button to your crotch. I don’t really want to see your purple stretch marks. I don’t really want to see your baby daddy’s hands all over your tummy. WE GET IT. THAT’S HOW THE BABY GOT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Please shut the fuck up about it.
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Jen January 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I refused to have ANY photos taken of me when I was pregnant with the twins. Between my gargantuan abdomen and freakishly engorged tits I looked like Jabba the Slut.
Jen recently posted..The "Jen" Commandments

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm

@Elizabeth: From a poll, based on just these comments, everyone hates them. Why to they keep coming around?!?

@Jen: My SIL was the same way. Applause to both of you.

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Bex January 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I told my 13 year old niece that if I see one more hearthand photo on Facebook, I am chopping her hands & the hands of her friends right off. With a blunt kitchen knife. Then they can amuse the Facebook world with glorious stumphand photo’s.
Bex recently posted..To my husband.

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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I can’t think of one single LOTR joke and I feel like I’ve failed you.

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Brandon S. January 26, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Be careful Bex because knowing those resourceful girls on Facebook they’ll make you “visualize” the hands.

Then sell the photos for $9.99. Then who wins?
Brandon S. recently posted..Can One Really Have Too Much Hermes?

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Prince T. January 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I used to do a picture of my boyfriend and I making that heart hand gesture. There’s something in that gesture that’s magical. Do you believe so?

Your pictures can energize me! Thanks!

-Prince
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Best. Spam. Ever.

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Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I totes hate those supes cute abbrevs. They make me want to vom.
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Kelly January 26, 2012 at 12:50 pm

You are adorbs.
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:39 am

@Jillian: I had a whole tirade about that a week ago. JUST SAY THE WHOLE WORD.

@Kelly: You will never understand the rage you have produced in me.

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Myth January 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I REALLY FUCKING HATE those teeny-tiny ostensibly “athletic” shorts, the kind that would barely cover more than the girl’s underwear if she actually wore something OTHER than stripper thongs underneath it. And you always end up seeing way more than you want, because not only does she have to wear them in the first place, they MUST be pulled as far up her asscrack as they will go, exposing the bottom curve of her butt. Now, I’m a lesbian but I don’t find this sexy at ALL, I want to grab her and shove needles into her ass like a fucking pin cushion because YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT, YOU FILTHY SKANK. I especially hate the ones with the butt advertisements: the ones that say “BABE” or “JUICY” on the back. And yes, I have seen some that read “JUICY”; they were diarrhea-green. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or vomit.

Obligatory anecdote:
I took phys ed in my sophomore year, where we were required to dress down every single day or else we’d be given an F in participation and forced to sit out. I had my mom buy me some gym clothes that I liked: a nice baggy T-shirt and basketball shorts that kept me covered and comfortable. But I would occasionally forget them because I’d take them home on Fridays to be washed and fail to bring them back with me on Monday. I didn’t care too much at first, because they’re forgiving; you can get by with forgetting once or twice. But if you get written up for not dressing five times, you flunk the whole damn class, so the fourth time I forgot my gym clothes, I was desperate. I only had a couple of friends in the class, and by “friends” I mean “people who didn’t mock me for my gorgeous five-foot-one, two-hundred-pound physique.” They were both freshmen. Chelsea was short and chubby like I am, and had the sort of overzealous, abrasive personality that you just cringe and bear because at least she likes you, right? Cristina was a pretty girl, average height, neither thin nor fat, with glasses that made her look sharp, and people liked Cristina because she had a seizure-response service dog who followed her everywhere (a golden retriever named Sparky). I thought for sure they’d help me out because I did the same for them when they asked, but unfortunately Chelsea didn’t have any extra gym clothes. Cristina did, and I breathed a sigh of relief, but then she hands them to me and I realize, oh Jesus FUCKING Christ, she has given me short-shorts and a low-cut, tight-fitting tank top. She seemed confident that they would fit me (what kind of acid-trip was she on that day?) but I said no fucking way and shoved them back at her. I think the worst part is that she was in jogging pants and a T-shirt, but couldn’t give me those because they were already too small on her (she barely fit in them, she claimed).

I ended up telling my (male) gym teacher this whole story. I dimly recall asking him to imagine me in the articles of clothing Cristina had supplied me with.

I played volleyball in a blouse and blue jeans that day.

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I used to have those shorts for gymnastics (many, many years ago). I had and still have a giant ass and tree trunk legs so every time I wore them my brothers made fun of me. That fucker took my shorts and wrote the word “BEACHED” on the ass. I wore them around the house after that, but it didn’t stop him from declaring “Beth beached herself” anytime I was laying down with them on. Fat jokes…never ending in my fucking family.
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Myth January 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

All right, that’s just cruel. I’m overwhelmed by a powerful desire to go and punch your brothers in the dick. Because HAVING a dick doesn’t mean you have to BE a dick.

To make up for their vicious mockery, I will note that I think fat girls are sexier than skinny girls. I salute you, O giant-assed goddess.

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Beth January 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Truthfully, he might have been retaliating against my comment that I wanted to have bigger boobs then him when I grew up.
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

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Cyprium January 26, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Half of the d*cks on this page belong to you. And you did it in 2 sentences. :) I did not censor myself because I wanted to be clean or uptight, I did not want to take away from your spotlight. *bows*

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:42 am

@Myth: Here in the Texas place, it’s very much the thing to wear tiny nike swishy shorts, leggings, and galoshes. To class! To work! To the beach! EVERYWHERE. I hate it so.

@Beth: I want to laugh and also give you a hug after that comment.

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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) January 25, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Lord save me from all the “baby in a bucket” pictures. What’s even worse? Are the preggo pictures with the bare belly and the baby daddy and the baby mama holding their hands over the fetal swellage.

When I was pregnant, I wore sweat pants for 9 months (times 3, because I have 3 kids), my husband’s t-shirts, and my son was positive that my protruding belly button with baby number 3 was the baby’s “pee pee.” Which he told EVERYONE. “Dat’s my baby bruver. Dat’s hims pee-pee.”

No way in HELL would I have lifted my shirt and documented that horror for eternity.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Awkward Moments In Time

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:46 am

Babies in buckets. It’s like the faces of death for infants. Shit is dangerous.

Also, I’ve walked around all day saying “Dat’s my baby bruver. Dat’s hims pee-pee,” because it’s terribly adorable.

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Dave in Sherman January 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Same way I feel about those same stupid hearts carved into different furniture pieces and sold at craft shows. I mean, goddamn, you take the time to do a decent piece of wood furniture that I might like to buy, and then desecrate it with those fucking hearts. Makes me tired.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Welcome to Spring Semester 2012

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:46 am

Also…craft shows in general. Awful places.

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Charity January 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Hurricunt now belongs to Jana and I.
Charity recently posted..Freddy Mercury. Hurricunt. Sharpie vaginas. Twatbadger. Go.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:47 am

Shit. I will miss it.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:49 am

Also, goddamn that post is funny.

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Dan Perez January 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Looking like a fool with your fucking pants on the ground. In a perfect world, punishment would be forty lashes to one’s bare ass with a rattan cane.
Now, where’s my Lisinopril?
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:51 am

That entire comment would turn some people on.

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Whale Uterus January 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Because of your fantastically persuasive argument which incited my desire to do exactly what you said NOT to do, I am now reading “goat” as “goatse”. Do you know what this means? Goats have now developed into wide-stretched anuses. I will never go to a petting zoo again. It’s too similar to a prostate exam.
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nadine January 25, 2012 at 6:20 pm

whale uterus is a hell of a name. made my day.
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:53 am

@WU: Tuck your elbows in now, or you’ll lose ‘em!

@Nadine: agreed, yo. Agreed.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:54 am

@WU: Also, the picture of the dog on your blog made me cry from laughing.

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Consciously Sedated January 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Those fake feathers girl’s are wearing in their hair.
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:54 am

THANK YOU. Always thought I was alone in my hatred there.

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Leta January 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I, too, must go with the “repost this” on Facebook if you know a cancer victim/love your child/want to protect cats/want to spread awareness of some kind about something. Because fuck your smug FB post, I DONATE to causes I care about instead of thinking I’ve done my part for world peace and rainbows by letting all my FB friends know they should briefly acknowledge serious shit.
Leta recently posted..Best Intentions

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:55 am

But it’s soooooooo much easier if I just repost and don’t have to really be an activist…teehee jkjkjk lololol.

That was physically painful to type.

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Miss Sassy Pants January 25, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Girls who wear leggings as pants.

Unless you have Jessica Alba’s ass, you have no business wearing something that squeezes your bubble butt that tight.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..How addiction nearly killed my best friend.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:56 am

If it can be described as ‘control top’, it’s not pants!

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L.A. January 25, 2012 at 10:52 pm

The internet version of chain mail. You know, when people tell you if you DON’T FWD THIS SHIT, YOU GON’ DIE/YOU LOSE ALL YOUR MONEY/BAD THINGS HAPPEN. Paranoia gets me. I totally have fwded them, and I feel like a terrible person. Especially when two days later, I get ANOTHER CHAIN, and this poor kid with some disease wrote me the SAME LETTER the last poor kid with some disease sent me. Didn’t I help you already?

At least back when chain letters were real mail, there was a real threat to it. You’re not going to send 16 letters out to prevent bad luck? Beware. I BET THEY”LL MAIL YOU ANTHRAX.
L.A. recently posted..ZAMBONI RIDES FOR EVERYONE!!

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:57 am

My mom still does this shit. And it hurts me so.

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Bill G. February 4, 2012 at 10:28 am

I’ve bitched at my co-workers about forwarding chain e-mails. I don’t give a fat fuck that it’s against company policy, I just don’t want to open my inbox and find this stupid shit. And why would you want your name connected to this dogshit?

These e-mails had to be originated by somebody. For anybody who sits and writes this garbage: GO GET A FUCKING HOBBY, NEEDLEPOINT OR FISHING WOULD BE A TREMENDOUS STEP UP IN LIFE!

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Miss Sassy Pants January 26, 2012 at 1:23 am

PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..How addiction nearly killed my best friend.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:57 am

I’m sorry. I love to.

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L.A. January 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

There is no other way to yell via a comment. It’s the EMPHASIS.
L.A. recently posted..17 days to figure out how not to be alone.

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Dylan January 26, 2012 at 3:04 am

I JUST FUCKING GOOGLED GOATSE.

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED. Apparently I also had capslock on.
Regardless, it fits well with my appalled very poor VERY scarred eyes. I can’t think about sleeping lest my delicate mind be bombarded with the very explicit images of gaping anus’s, anusi, anuses? I don’t the plural but I can assure I need not know EVER. I can even think about going to the toilet without envisioning myself like – OH GOD. MY MIND IS SCARRED. SO SO SCARRED.

This is a curiosity and the fucking cat meeting head on while both driving explosive trains towards one another lesson in life I have learned the hard way.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:58 am

Don’t. Don’t do it. I’m sorry. Also, don’t google lemon party.org or blue waffle or any of that. Ever.

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Whale Uterus January 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

There. I see what you did there. Dropping the term “blue waffle” so nonchalantly. Very clever.
@Dylan – if a widely stretched anus led to your paraplegic eyeballs, trust me when I say that blue waffle will turn your paraplegic vision into a flesh-eating bacteria while your eyeballs exist in a coma. Serious.
Whale Uterus recently posted..The Ballad Of Lord KnubWubbin Jr.

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Hoody Hoo January 26, 2012 at 6:20 am

I think it’s safe to say I pretty much hate… everything. Especially things that can be described as “sweet” or Gawdhelpus, “precious.” Just stop that.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Dr. Phil I Ain’t

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:59 am

I hate so much. And I regret none of it.

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Charity January 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

I totally want to google GOATSE. I would guess this is probably not safe for work, though?
Charity recently posted..*YOU* are not ‘plus size’.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:59 am

DON’T. IT’S THE MOST NSFW EVER. Except for lemon party.org. Seriously. Don’t go there either.

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Heather January 26, 2012 at 11:36 am

I hate “shrugs”. Those tiny half-sweaters that are usually worn by young girls too deluded to realize they paid full price for half of a sweater. This trend went away for a while and then came back – which pissed me off because, for the love of god, please either wear a sweater or don’t. Be decisive.
Heather recently posted..2012 is here and I plan to beat the mofo

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:00 am

I have one that makes my neck look like a labia. I don’t wear it because it makes my neck look like a labia.

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jennielynn January 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Word art. Though now I’m considering a sign saying, “You can call me Ms. Hurricunt, Asshole.” Maybe in the master bath?
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:01 am

Especially inspirational word art. I don’t want to be inspired every day. I hate everything.

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MsJake January 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

People out in public wearing pajama pants. Usually with slippers.
Put on jeans.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:02 am

Nothing irks me more than that. Shit, I don’t even wear ‘em in my house.

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Johi January 26, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Oh, Noa.

I just wanted to say that.

Our engagement photos were pretty unrealistic. We took them in the natural area where we always walk, which is cool and normal, but we were wearing our “go to Target” jackets, as opposed to our “we may be homeless and we smell distinctly of horse shit” jackets.

Why did I laugh so hard at the mental image of carpeting over a vagrant? I probably need therapy…. or to grow a heart. Eh. At least I am in good company.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:03 am

Can you imagine the things this hobo would say from underneath there? I kind of want to see it now.

Oh, Johi.

Fun fact: My most favorite karate student ever was a girl named Joey.

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Jess January 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

While not picture related: The license plate holders that say “I’d rather be shopping at Nordstrom” or “I’d rather be rockclimbing – Sports Chalet.” You mean you don’t want to sit in stop and go traffic with the other 500,000 people here today?!!? No Shit?! Every time I see one in front of me during said amazing commute, I want to forget I have brakes so I can get into some fender-bender and destroy said holder…also this same “accident” would likely total my car…thus giving me the opportunity to get a different, less-maintenance-required, earth polluter. Win-Win if you ask me…

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:05 am

Just…bumper stickers or novelty car anything in general. It’s a vehicle, not a trapper keeper.

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Misty January 26, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:06 am

I.

Oh.

SO. MUCH. RAGE.

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Misty January 27, 2012 at 9:29 am

Did you notice the title? I DID NOT ADD THAT. That was totally the caption.

Ragey is correct.
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Lana January 26, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Damn!! I so wish I would have made you look at my maternity photos. Hahaha. My wonderful husband insisted that I understand that no one else wanted to see that shit except him even when I told him that I never planned on sharing with the world.

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:07 am

I love you for that.

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Brandon S. January 26, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I was going to read the rest of your post but I couldn’t get past the Hearthands thing because all I could picture was Napoleon Dynamite. Doing some really weird rendition of … what the hell was that song again?

Vote for Pedro!
Brandon S. recently posted..Can One Really Have Too Much Hermes?

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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:08 am

I once did that dance for a friend who was running for class president. I am an awesome friend.

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Brandon S. January 28, 2012 at 12:25 am

I think Karen Walker used to confuse movies with real life too. Do you also swish your pills in a glass of gin?
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Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I love your comments so hard. And no, I swish them in Vodka, dear.

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Bill G. February 4, 2012 at 10:58 am

Trends that piss me off:

1. Guys who buy a truck the size of a small town, use it as their commute vehicle, and constantly bitch about the price of gas. The Billy Bad-Ass image (that impresses nobody) comes with a price, you fuck. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

2. Wussy 50 year old guys at my work who buy a Harley, wear black T-shirts, stop taking showers, and hang out in biker bars to recapture their lost youth. You’re every bit as stupid as the bullet-bike crowd that you make fun of, ya fucktard, and you still come off like Charles Nelson Reilly.

3. Fuckers that show up to a sandwich shop and order sandwiches for the entire office. I just want one goddamn sandwich, I don’t want to stand behind the office kiss-ass for half an hour (and I don’t, I head for the door). The sandwich shops that have instituted a two-sandwich max: good on you. Don’t promote this fucking behavior, it pisses off the other 98% of your customers that don’t suck dick at work. If you’ve made yourself the office waitress, you need to get a fucking clue on life. People don’t respect you and it wont’ get you promoted, they just think you’re the office bitch that you are.

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Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:07 am

I HATE the office-sandwichers. I learned long ago to either go at an off time and allow others to go in front when I had that task, or just to CALL IT THE FUCK IN. It’s so much easier on everyone that way. Dicks.

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Mollie July 23, 2013 at 9:51 am

The same goes with people who would like to share to you some facts regarding proper dieting foods that will help boost your progress.
Mollie recently posted..Mollie

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