There are certain things in this world that people do to make themselves and others smile. I tell jokes. Some craft. Others make food or babies or photos or sunshine.

These things are designed to make you appreciate the beauty in the world, slow down for a minute, and remember to build your relationships with others.

These certain things make me want to waterboard myself so I’ll have something else to look at.

HeartHands

I See A Face-Punch Target

Heart hands are just a censored version of Goatse (for the love of God, if you don’t know what it is, don’t Google it). There’s not a 13-year-old girl alive who doesn’t have a photo of herself on Facebook with hearthands over her eye, and few wedding photos without at least one set of blended heart hands.

HeartHands are the herpes of photography, ingratiating themselves into every single photo ever taken. It started out innocently enough with someone noticing that we could make many shapes with our incredibly dextrous fingers, and then the internet ruined it for everybody.

Please, next time you think about using HeartHands, remember that you’ll have to shape your hands with every other HeartHand photo in existence. Be part of the solution–make vagina hands instead.

OH GOD NOT THIS ONE.

Baby/Wedding/Engagement/Save The Date Photos

Combo Hate: Tutu, frame in a photo, baby, arbitrary feet

I realize this makes me the most heartless hurricunt that ever was, but I just don’t fucking care.

Frame inside a photo? That’s just terrible.
Toddler in a tutu? Fuck you and your tulled horrorbaby.
Is part of your body arbitrarily out of the frame? WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL. YOU ARE NOT A MAGICIAN. GET YOUR TORSO INTO THE FRAME.

I don’t even like my own engagement photos. They show Adrian and I being nice to each other in front of a Church and walking hand in hand through a park after kissing in front of a fountain. You know the last time we did that?

When we took our fucking engagement photos. MEMORIES.

Mason Jar/Wine Bottle Crafts

It Physically Pains Me To Look At This

Dear God, did you put something into something else? YOU’RE ANDY GODDAMN WARHOL. I know I can’t wait to stare at a tangled mass of Christmas lights used as a decoration to deliberately trigger to my OCD during this dinner party. Can you at least put a veil on it or something?

I just don’t understand the allure. I don’t know why you’d want to keep this in your home. It’s clutter. It’s recycling that you didn’t feel like taking out and therefore declared it as a piece of your home now. To me, it’s the same thing as carpeting over a hobo who started squatting in your hallway. Why? I’m sure there’s a good explanation for why someone would want a light fixture crafted from the remnants of their moonshine bender from September, but I’m going to call bullshit on that.

Then you go and put a tuxedo on it and you ruin goddamn everything. Congratulations on turning trash into illuminated trash.

I have no soul.

What trends do you hate?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Beth: “I’m currently deciding if I am going to go ahead with fertility treatment. I mean, a boat is probably cheaper than a baby and I can have a lot of fun on a boat.”

 

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