What are your favorite cursing stories or curse words? Anytime you’ve (or someone you know) cursed and really shouldn’t have? I’ll go first: once my Great Grandmother called the bishop who ran her nursing home a tight-assed prick. Hooray!

As a quick aside, thanks to the massive internet blackout yesterday, SOPA/PIPA gained THIRTY new Congressional opponents, up from five just days before. Thank you all for speaking out.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Pish Posh: ” Everything can’t be your fault because its my fault. I believe that Churros are the answer. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride and remind them how we used to be…I also believe that not having a tv saves brain power.. for me to consume more beer. Finally, I believe that gossip is the work of small nasty minds and that people should always give each other the benefit of the doubt before flipping out. And churros.”

 

Kella January 19, 2012 at 2:09 am

I’m not sure why I love you more at this particular moment: the fact that you dedicated an entire post as a how-to for social cursing, and advocating its finer nuances in varied circumstances, or that you were kind enough to include a Power Point presentation for the assfuckingly oblivious…
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I wanted to make my point so fucking clear, you know. Had to be fancy.

Christine January 19, 2012 at 2:15 am

If I can’t find a way to work quadrowhoredron into my everyday language I will have failed as a human being.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I agree. I think?

Bex January 19, 2012 at 2:33 am

I sent a 10 page letter with the word fuck written repeatedly on each page. Front & back. It took me 7 hours. I was 10 & I sent this letter, with a stamp on it, to my mum at her work because she would not let Rosalie Wilkey & Bec Mullins stay over at my house & do the 40 hour famine with me. And apart from ‘To Mum you fuck” written on the front of the envelope, the word fuck x 1,752,890 completely represented how piss mad I was at that time. She was a mean whore & I meant every fucking word of it.

She kept this letter & presented it to me in a frame at my 21st. I sent it back to her again 2 years later when she refused to buy me a ticket to see the Foo Fighters for my birthday. Still a mean whore.

Misty January 19, 2012 at 7:44 am

I fucking love you so much right now. Fuck you. (and I say that with the most love possible, of course!).
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Bex January 19, 2012 at 6:22 pm

The love is mutual you fuck slappin chode smasher.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 19, 2012 at 10:40 am

Your fuck-filled letter is becoming a family heirloom. That is only all good.
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Bex January 19, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I plan on handing it down to my first born, under the strict condition that they only ever send it to my husband.

Jen January 19, 2012 at 10:52 am

((s-l-o-w c-l-a-p))
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Bex January 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Oh god I love your slow claps. It’s like the king of compliments.
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Front Desk Ninja January 20, 2012 at 12:43 am

I know, right!?!?!?

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:04 pm

@Bex: Mother. Of. God. You are my hero.

@Misty, Carrie, and Jen: I bow down to this level of dedication to childhood dickery.

Robyn January 19, 2012 at 3:01 am

A few of my faves are:
cocktipus
twat nozzle
cum dumpster
jizz basket
skunt

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I like twat-waffle and doucherocket.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

COCKTIPUS.

It’s a tripple whammy. Nicely done.

Front Desk Ninja January 19, 2012 at 3:16 am

Noa, I’m all about inappropriately cursing.
I curse at work, in front of people paying me money to smile and give them room keys so they can hump on beds that have been a part of many a magical night.

I was 20 when I cursed for the first time in front of my gramma, and my entire family went silent and waited for her to either slap me or chuckle. She chuckled, I lived on.

Some of my favourite words are (but of course not limited to):

fuck, and all forms of it (fucking, for fucks sake, fuckery)
cuntpunch
douchebag
douchewhorebag (an affectionate name for my sperm donor’s leeching …thing..)
motherfuck. not to be mistaken with the motherfucker that also comes in to play, because that is referring to *someone* not *something* I have fucked up. Normally at work.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:09 pm

You know, there’s nothing quite like a perfectly timed “fuck.” Though douchewhorebag is a new one that I can’t wait to use.

Christine January 19, 2012 at 5:40 am

My godson was not quite three when he said “fuck” for the first time. His super-religious grandma was there, and she immediately went into conniptions–“No, J! We don’t say that word! That’s a VERY, VERY BAD WORD!!!” His eyes were getting wider and wider, and I could see my best friend getting tense from across the room. Finally, I just had to interrupt. “T? I think he just can’t say ‘fork’ yet.”

She shamefacedly handed him the utensil he was asking for, and the rest of us laughed our asses off after she’d gone home.

Christine January 19, 2012 at 5:48 am

My other favorite was a volunteering trip in Romania. One of our translators came into the room and asked a question in Romanian, and one of the other translators (a petite, delightful woman) responded with a cheery, “Fuck you!” After we all finished choking on our tongues, we were able to ascertain that she’d actually said, “Fac yo!” or “I’ll do it!” in response to his request for help with the dishes. ;)

And since neither of my funny cursing stories have involved people ACTUALLY cursing, my favorite curse words:
douchebag
bastard
_________ on a fucking stick
*insert adjective here* ass/hole (i.e. someone is never just an ass; they’re an UNBELIEVABLE ass)
And I’m totally stealing Kirk Cameron as a curse, JSYK.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm

@Christine: My nieces just started that, and in Hungarian the word “boss” means Fuck. So their hear Aunt Noa shout BOSS one day and they start saying it. Their mother, also Hungarian, just glares at me, because it sounds so innocuous and is so very, very bad.

Jen January 19, 2012 at 6:10 am

Okay, cuntrocket, twatwafflery and hurricunt totally made my day. A funny cursing story that isn’t mine. A friend had a jeep that was infamous for breaking down. Her husband was infamous for the phrase “Fucking jeep”. When her daughter was around 2, they were at her mother’s (very religious) home, when said grandaughter began her trek up and down the hallway on a riding toy, joyously shouting (you guessed it) “fucking jeep, fucking jeep, fucking jeep.” So sad I missed this.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:13 pm

It’s always going to come out around the most conservative of people isn’t it? I love when that happens.

Mayor Gia January 19, 2012 at 6:37 am

Cunty Mc Cunterson.

Also I like phrases like WHAT THE SHIT (thank you archer) and WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Adrian just started watching 30 Rock and therefore just started “what the what?!”

Zane January 19, 2012 at 6:38 am

Best one I heard I learned from my own grandmother (a really classy lady who drink boxed wine from her antique crystal; not because it’s cheap, but because it has the best alcohol-dollar ratio): Fucknuckle. I was eleven at the time, and she was using it in reference to my father.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Wow, very similar to my common use of fuck-nugget. But fucknuckle has more class and is more refined. I LIKE IT!!

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Zane: Your grandmother pulled no punches. I like it.

@Bill: fucknuckle just rolls off the tongue a little better.

Mandi E. January 19, 2012 at 7:07 am

My favorites change by the day, and like my father before me, I tend to make up a lot of them on the fly.

True story, my boss called me on my cell when I was en route to one of our properties. The call ended, but apparently, I never hung up my bluetooth. At the exact moment I said goodbye, some needle dick bug fucker almost killed both of us driving like an asshole and I started screaming out my open window, “What the fuck? You flaming dickwhistle, cocksocket little motherfucker! You pull shit like that near me ever again and I will skull fuck you with an ice pick and then use your hollowed out head for dildo storage! Got it, fuck stick?”

Yeah, my boss was still on the phone listening the whole time, and I realized this when he started laughing in my left ear.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Lately, my favorite has been “GOD DAMN TONY DANZA.” It’s pretty fun.

Also, If I were your boss, I would have given you a raise.

Dawn January 19, 2012 at 7:13 am

One day when the eldest child was about four, we visited her aunt (my hillbilly sister-in law). As we sat on the front porch sipping iced tea, I noticed one of her chicken had gotten loose from his pen and was making a break for it. The usual routine during one of these chicken breaks was for her husband to curse loudly as he stomped across the yard to catch the chicken and return it. My daughter cautiously asked her aunt, uncle and myself if she could do the yelling this time. Foolishly assuming that she would repeat his standard “Henry! Get your ass back in the pen!” ranting, I told her she was allowed to say it JUST THIS ONE TIME. Bracing herself, she throwed her head back and yelled, ” Henry, you son-of-a-bitch, get your fucking ass back in this damn yard!” I guess she decided that since she had permission to cuss just this one time, she would use every single bad word that she knew all in one fell swoop. I was proud and horrified and laughed my ass off.
Current favorite cuss words: Fucknut, Fucktard, Asshat, and the ever appropriate nickname for the ex’s newest girlfriend Three Hole Punch.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I love you and your awesome children. Well done, ma’am.

Vinobaby January 19, 2012 at 7:30 am

The powerpoint presentation made this seem so official, a lesson in the fair and proper usage of ‘foul’ language. And thank you for teaching me a new word today: twatwafflery. I shall have to use it at least five times today to test it out.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I hope that word serves you well, my friend.

Kelly January 19, 2012 at 7:46 am

Hearing my parents swear makes my heart grow two sizes. My mom can drop the fuck bomb and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. It’s a good thing I live 11 hours away from her, because smiling as she is making the air around her face blue with cuss words isn’t probably appropriate.

My most recent favorites are:

fuckwad
cumbubble
douche-juice
cunt punt (as in, “I’m gonna cunt punt that douche-juice if he doesn’t shut his fucking face.”)
ballsack (oh so innocent seeming, but oh so effective…)

Oh yeah, at Christmas, I got my godson a huge fire truck with all sorts of cool shit. He opens it, and screams “I YUV MY FIRE FUCK, KELLEH! I GOTTED UH FIRE FUCK!!!!!”

My work is done.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I would never correct him. You and your run-ins with profanity are legendary.

Misty January 19, 2012 at 7:51 am

I was unaware that Kirk Cameron was a curse word until now. I will have to introduce that into my cursing vocabulary, post haste.

Also . . . why is making nuns cry under “sadness?” That is winning if I ever heard it.

My mom and I went on a cruise for my 21st birthday. Yeah, it was awesome. Ahem. Anyway, there was an in-room movie playing (I think American President?) where at one point a character says “Fuck!” Well, my mom, who does not drink or curse, ever never ever, looks up at the screen, looks at me, and says, “did he just say ‘Fuck?'” To which I agastly said to her: “Did YOU just say Fuck?” It was a bonding moment for sure. Mom and daughter, quoting fucking movies. Ahh, good times.
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Front Desk Ninja January 19, 2012 at 8:12 am

Epic.
Pure hilarity.
My mom was never lazy with the cursing, but I was under strict prohibition from it until I hit high school. There was no stopping the bullshit that flew from my lips then, and she knew it.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:26 pm

@Misty: I have to give a pass to nuns. Anyone who doesn’t take a dick their whole lives deserves a little comfort.

@FDN: Agreed.

Beth January 19, 2012 at 7:54 am

I have a 3 year old nephew in New Jersey who repeats everything his father and stereotypical Italian mother say. I was visiting this past weekend when he heard me say “fucking stupid.” In all honesty “fucking stupid” is a regular adjective in my vocabulary, so i wasn’t even aware I was saying it. He stopped me to say “Bes (he has a lisp), we don’t say fucking.” He then went on to tell me all the other words he is not allowed to say:

We don’t say stupid
We don’t say shut up
We don’t say jerk
We don’t say dammit
We don’t say shit
We don’t say slutbagwhore
We don’t say fricking
We don’t say Jesus Christ
We don’t say die in a fire

I was impressed! My brother has taught him to curse, but prefaced every word with “we don’t say,” so people will think he has manners.

Front Desk Ninja January 19, 2012 at 8:14 am

….Hello new mission in seven hours when my four year old niece comes back from daycare. And here I thought I was just going to teach her cursing in Sign Language.

Beth January 19, 2012 at 8:37 am

My favorite was “Jesus Christ!” Just to be an asshole and carry the conversation out a little longer to make some of the family uncomfortable I would say:

Me: cheese and rice?
Him: No… Jesus Christ
Me: peas and mice?”
Him: NO… JESUS CHRIST!
Me: Oh, well thats fucking stupid

Here we go again!!!! “We don’t say…”

Chris January 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

That’s. Fucking. Hilarious.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm

@Beth: This. Was. Amazing. The best was ‘die in a fire.’ Beautifully done.

@FDN: You’re too rad for words.

@Chris: Agreed.

Heather Rose January 19, 2012 at 8:33 am

7th grade Spanish class – I was always the quiet girl and teacher’s pet, but I dropped my 8 ton binder with those crappy metal rings (my mom would never spring for the trapper-keepers – bitch!) and it popped open and spewed papers everywhere. I let out a “shit!” to end all shits. I think I mostly just got in trouble because it wasn’t in Spanish, though. Mierda!
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Fucking binders. That’s some bullshit without a trapper keeper.

a January 19, 2012 at 8:44 am

My first year of college, there was a priest who lived on our floor in the dorm. Without fail, every time I was yelling some profanity or another (usually FUCK!!!) down the hallway at the top of my lungs, he would come walking up the stairs. He ended up being my organic chemistry teacher…
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Just…a priest? Out of nowhere?

Charity Woosley January 19, 2012 at 8:59 am

I thought I was the only chick who knew what ‘die in a fire’ was. This is also known as DIAF. Gamer speak…it’s awesome.

Additionally, I enjoy the word ‘fuckity’.
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Mandi E. January 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm

The phrase “die in a fire” were the last words I ever spoke to my ex boyfriend as I was dumping him. It was a fitting end.
Mandi E. recently posted..Enunciation, and Other Maxims of Communication

Bill G. January 24, 2012 at 12:09 am

Well played!

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm

@Charity: I can’t wait to start using die in a fire. I use kill it with fire, but never DIAF.

@Mandi: Slowclap. Well done.

@Bill: Agreed!

Janene January 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Two years ago, when I was working on a complex cleanup effort, we had three major Excel spreadsheets that needed to be condensed into ‘simple’ with names and numbers, instead of all of the complex formulas. In order to do this, I had to use vlookups, sort-upon-sort, sums, and pivot tables (among other goodies). It slowed my work pc down to such a degree that I was crippled – couldn’t work for the two hours that it took Excel to compute (it was THAT glorious). In the heat of frustration, my MSN Communicator status read something like, “Excel, you PoS, may you DIAF.”

I still hate Excel.

Bill G. January 31, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Excel does suck. It has the same functionality and user-friendliness (that is, none at all) that it had 15 years ago. It hasn’t evolved at all, it only has tabs that make it look a little different. Microsoft still hasn’t figured out that people occasionally want to open two different spreadsheets at the same time and look at them side-by-side. Drives me fucking nuts and my work insists on still using it. I use other programs wherever I can, Excel sucks my ass.

Dana January 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

I was hanging out with my friend who just happens to be a Priest anywho, I got frustrated for some reason or other and made up a new curse word, loudly. Jesus Fucker, as offensive as it seems to y’all imagine if you were a Priest. Needless to say I know why the dude is my friend, he laughed and then threw water on me while screaming some random Catholic prayer, you to know to cleanse me and stuff.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Just today, on Pinterest, I saw a picture that was captioned, “FUCK THIS SHIT I’M JESUSING.” And the first comment? “That’s terrible. Don’t use our Lord’s name in vain alongside a curse word. That’s Hellspeak.”

So, we’re hellspeakers. HOORAY!

Sarah January 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

My favorite– my then three year old son was charged with answering the phone at my in-laws house. There were several people over for dinner, and the probability of telemarketer on the phone was high. The consensus was that it was going to be funny to see the kid talk to the demons of hell.

The person on the other line– who happened to be a friend and not a telemarketer– was confused by the three year old child answering the phone, and thinking that they had the wrong number, promptly hung up.

To which my child announced, “Those bastards hung up on me!” Loudly, to my husband’s extended family’s amazement.

Good times. Second only to the time the same child told my grandfather not to be a pussy.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:35 pm

YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM. Well done!

ColinP January 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

Fuck-an-A, that is all.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Fuck-an-a, yo.

Johi January 19, 2012 at 9:26 am

I don’t curse so I found all of this nonesense highly offensive.

Except for hurricunt- that has an almost poetic ring to it. I think I’ll go teach it to my baby right now. Enough of this “bapple!” and “Dah-dee” business.
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Johi January 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

*nonsense*
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:37 pm

@Johi: My ovaries screamed at “bapple.” OH GOD THE CUTENESS.

Jackie G January 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

Like a true Southern Lady, I like to say “Fuck me runnin’!” in all sorts of situations. It brings a smile to everyone’s face.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

There’s nothing more fun that saying “fuck me runnin’!

kim January 19, 2012 at 10:17 am

I live in Salt Lake City where proper swearing is especially important. And I work in a children’s hospital, which gives a well-timed cuss added value. In school, my children have been told “God” is a bad word, and using it is punishable (the Lord’s name in vain…), but phrases like “frigging” “flipping” and “freaking” are perfectly acceptable to roll off a schoolchild’s tongue. Sorry people, the intention is the same . Everyone, including God, knows that those words are a substitute for the work FUCK in its various forms. I say, commit or shut up.

I HATE FUCKING HATE FAKE CUSSING.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I also live in Utah. A lot of people in these parts say “fetchin'”. I’ve offended a few people at work by telling them, “Just say ‘fuckin’, you’ll feel a lot better, everybody knows it’s what you’re saying, and you’re 99% there anyway.”

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

@Kim: Have you ever read Flourish In Progress’ post about cursing? She replaced all curse words with drug words. It worked awesomely.

@Bill: fetchin’? WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL?

Bill G. January 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

It’s a Utah mormon thing. These attempts to not cuss sound a million times worse than just fucking saying it.

L-Kat January 19, 2012 at 10:23 am

Have you seen “Sideways?” There is a line in that movie that my mom and I repeat every time we drink wine. Or, I should say, I repeat it every time I drink wine, my mom has a filter. It was Christmas and little, old Grandpa and Grandma were at the dinner table. I ask Mom what wine we are having. She answers, Merlot. I assume this is a set up, like an ally-oop in basketball and scream, “I’m not drinking any fucking Merlot!!!!” The dinner table was speechless. Oops.
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Kelsey B January 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

We were on summer vacation getting blitzed with the in-laws. My father-in-law opened another bottle and asked if anyone would like a glass of Merlot. Having seen the movie, and being nearly schnockered, my husband yelled “I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!” I howled, but his family just looked confused. They haven’t seen the movie.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:41 pm

@L-Kat: I have not, but now, I feel I must.

@Kelsey: I love when movie quotes fall flat like that. Adrian is the master of that.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 19, 2012 at 10:45 am

In our house we cuss and advertise at the same time: “Fucksticks, from the makers of shitballs.”
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Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

That is great.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:42 pm

@Carrie: You’re a genius.

@Bill: Agreed.

Janene February 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

That is awesome. Excuse me while I steal that and use it from now on.

Meg January 19, 2012 at 10:46 am

My favorite curse when driving is “JESUS FUCKING H. CHRIST!!!” I’m going to hell…want to share a handbasket with me?

That said, I have a switch. I’m a teacher, so you know, cursing is frowned upon in the classroom, unfortunately. I have come close, but I’ve never slipped in 9 years of teaching.
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Jen January 19, 2012 at 10:51 am

Wouldn’t it be rad if his name was, like Eddie? Then we’d yell Eddie Fucking Christ! No? Just me?
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Meg January 19, 2012 at 8:21 pm

It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it…
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

@Meg: Adrian teaches children’s karate, and he curses in Hungarian so they don’t understand him. It backfired when a romanian kid enrolled and called him on his bullshit.

@Jen and Meg: Javier Rolando Christ.

Jen January 19, 2012 at 10:50 am

I believe that “fuck” should be used sparingly, like a dash of saffron in a paella, or a sprig of mint in a mojito. That being said, I use it like a mother… well, you know.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Me fucking too.

nadine January 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

My favorite swear words to be used only on special occasions, so not to tarnish it and make it cliche, is “HOLY SHITTING DICKNIPPLES”
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:46 pm

That put the most unpleasant mental image in my head.

Ally January 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

I believe people who cuss are more mentally stable than those who don’t. We are able to express our anger and frustration in a healthy way. While people who don’t cuss bottle it up and end up going all postal on people.

I love cussing so much that I have my favorite swear word tattooed on the inside of my lip.
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I love when people tell me that cursing makes me a terrible writer. Thanks! I KNOW.

Mandi E. January 26, 2012 at 6:24 pm

No, lack of content would make you a terrible writer. Since there’s no lack of content here, I’m going to have to say that those bitches are boring, jealous twats.
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Haley January 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

My parents wouldn’t cuss around my sister and me when we were little but now that we’ve grown up they speak more freely. I was probably 10 at the time this story took place and had never really heard my parents cuss. My dad used to ground us for saying ‘suck’. Anyway, my mom had been trying to fix a vacuum cleaner (that my dad had bought from a door to door salesman because he has a problem saying no) for about an hour. She hated that thing. It weighs about 60 pounds and if you yank it back too hard it will rip the toenails right off your damn feet. Mom was so consumed in fixing the Kirby that she forgot I was laying on the couch and once she got it fixed (I’ll remember this for the rest of my life) she stood up, kicked the shit out of it and yelled ‘I FIXED YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!!” I was in a 10 year old state of shock. 8 years later and I still carry this over her head. She gets so mad when I tell people. Her voice gets all high pitched and she’s always like “HALEY. IT WAS A VACUUM CLEANER.” Like it’s a normal thing to scream at your vacuum.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:40 am

To be fair though…it’s a vacuum cleaner. Shit deserves to be cursed at so much.

socialassassin January 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

I’m 35. In my whole life I had never heard my father swear ONCE. He was all righteous anger with us as kids for it too – not an excessive disciplinarian, just doing his best to raise his kids right after mum died. Just before Christmas, we were discussing his work and he was expressing a dislike for a new colleague, and I innocently asked him why he didn’t get on with this guy, since my 65-yr old dad is so laid back he’s almost horizontal. Totally dead-pan he turned to me and said “Because he’s a fucking cunt”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, we hugged and I finally felt like a man.

And since I live by the beach, I use ‘go take a long fuck off of a short pier’ approximately 17.3 times a day.
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Bex January 19, 2012 at 6:30 pm

My dad used to shit with the door open. I learnt every bad ass thing I know from him.

When I’m having a bad day at work (listening to endless negative cab driver dribble & being forced to mop up their old man piss off the bathroom floor kinda grinds on a bitch ya know) I cut a paper mask out of photo copy paper. On which I draw a really bad smiley face with a speech bubble coming out of it simply saying ‘I’m not here today. Go fuck yourself’.

My boss likes it. He said it’s an example of my creativity.
Bex recently posted..Why being a male polar bear is shithouse.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:43 am

@SA: That is the most beautiful coming-of-age story I have ever heard. I want to be in your family.

@Bex: Your dad is the most bad ass person alive. Holy shit you win.

Mandi E. January 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

I also feel the need to add (now that I’ve had a break to check my email) that I woke up to 74 new messages in my inbox and seeing them all in their texty glory is like a hug. A big, crushing bear hug that squeezes the air from your lungs and the life from your browser.

And I less than three you all for it.
Mandi E. recently posted..Enunciation, and Other Maxims of Communication

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:45 am

I get so behind on comments and I hate it because I read them all day long in between work and eating and just don’t answer them until I can do so all at once and then I get a shitload of them like on this post and it scares me. I’m sorry.

Charity Woosley January 19, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I had to read this again because it was so fucking awesome.
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:46 am

I love you for that shit.

Dana the Biped January 19, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Quadrowhoredon: Any dumb whore who freaks out because my dog has three legs. What’s wrong with three legs? Huh? Who said a dog had to have four legs? What are you, a caveman? From the dinosaur age? Fucking racist.
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Dana the Biped January 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

So, you know, basically, Kirk Cameron.
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Land of the Living

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:47 am

@Dana: I wish I had a three-legged dog. I’m jealous.

Andi January 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

My swear word story: one of our neighbors complained that our oldest was running around saying the “F” word. He was probably about 6 at the time. We asked him if he knew what the F word was and he shook his head, in mortal terror of his life. We asked his younger brother, who was 4, if he knew the “F” word. Very seriously, he nodded. The Hubs said, well, can you tell me what it is? Head shake no. “I promise you won’t get in trouble, just tell me what it is.” Another head shake. “Well, can you spell it?” Nod, then “F…A…R…T…” I had to leave the room so he wouldn’t see me laughing.

These days, the biggest swear word in our house is stupid. I’m about to teach my kids twatnozzle and cuntlicker just so I never have to hear, “Mom, he called me stupid!” EVER AGAIN. We need a bigger swearing vocabulary.
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Misty January 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

My son once told me that his brother used “the S word.” I was all horrified in how a 3 year old heard the word shit, obviously thinking he probably heard me cussing under my breath at some point. So, I asked him what the word was, and he says, really quietly: “stupid.” I also had to leave the room for laughing.
Misty recently posted..Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:49 am

@Misty: That’s painfully adorable. PAINFULLY.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:48 am

@Andi: I once got in trouble for saying “brain fart.” But only once, and never, ever again. Totally unexplainable. Like the yeti of groundings.

Jana January 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I love you Noa…really I mother fuckin love you, you are my hero!

Some favorites of mine

douchecanoe
twatwaffle
I love addressing my girlfriends as Shalom Bitches – there is nothing more awesome than doing that in a crowded bar.
I love telling everyone that my husband is the HMFIC (head mother fucker in charge)
I like that in my job I get to say the word caulk and talk about all the wonderful things you can do with caulk and not get in any trouble. (well kind of)
fuckadoodledo
cuntlicker (reserved for special occasions)

My best kiddie story of swearing, is of my youngest daughter. Who looks all sweet and candy on the outside but has the heart of a swear champion (like her momma). She was playing in her room (sun shining on her beauitful hair), playing Barbies and I stopped and watched her with my heart all gooey and sweet. Then she takes on Barbie and bitch slaps the other Barbie and says, “Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your god damn clothes.” Mommy walked away for wine.
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Jana January 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I forgot that some of my favorite ones to say when the ankle biters are around (’cause I try to moderate, yo)

MotherFather
Shut the front Door
Jumpin Jack Sass-o-frass ( I dont’ know)
Holy Guacomole
Jana recently posted..Goodbye pink nipples

Mandi E. January 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I read that comment while drinking a coke and gave myself a Noa’s Liquid Lobotomy. Thanks, dammit. My sinuses will never be the same.
Mandi E. recently posted..Enunciation, and Other Maxims of Communication

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:51 am

@Jana: I love you too. Also, your daughter is the most awesome person ever.

@Mandi: Those will sneak up on you. I did one with ranch dressing today!

Handflapper January 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

When I was but a wee tot, as my mother tells it, I mispronounced the word “book,” making it sound instead like a very rude reference to carnal relations. One day when my very religious grandmother was visiting from far away, my father came home from work to discover all of the very many books pulled out of the bookshelves. “What in the world happened?” he asked. My mother explained, “She wanted a book, and your mother was here. I let her have all the books just to shut her up!”

Myth January 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm

For what it’s worth, this is totally my favorite comment, and I’m mildly disappointed in Noa (only mildly because the chosen comment was also fucking hilarious). You made me laugh so hard. You’re amazing.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:52 am

@Handflapper: You were awesome since birth, I see.

@Myth: It’s consistently difficult to pick a favorite comment. I equally love and hate that I started that.

Misty January 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

And, of course, I just NOW noticed that you signed the above as Noa Motherfucking Gavin. Damn, not sure how I missed that the first time. Bravo, bitch. Bravo.
Misty recently posted..Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:54 am

A-thank you.

Charity Woosley January 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

LOL @ Misty.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Eat the brown lettuce, you little fuck

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:54 am

Agreed.

Carri January 19, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Asshattery or dumbfuckery. Or both.
Carri recently posted..Mommy’s Little Cowboy

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:55 am

Assfuckery?

Well, no, that combo went poorly for me.

Bill G. January 19, 2012 at 7:26 pm

In polite company, it’s: C U Next Tuesday!

Beth January 19, 2012 at 8:39 pm

In the work environment I refer to them as C Creatures. Its the nicest way I can call someone a cunt without them knowing I think they are a giant cunt. Its like the southern “sweetie,” but not.

Bill G. January 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

That is great, I need to remember this one. At my work, too many people are on to “C U Next Tuesday”.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:56 am

@Bill: I have no polite company. I will drop a cunt in front of anyone.

@Beth: in my head, you now only work in an office full of seahorses.

Meg January 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm

True story: This morning, while making myself do the plank at the gym for a whole minute, I distracted myself from looking at my stopwatch by doing the “A is for Apple” game…with cuss words. I did it silently, in my head, so I could avoid the horrified stares of others. Unfortunately, I’m not very creative when I’m balancing on my elbows and toes and my back is starting to bow.
Meg recently posted..Wordless Wednesday — I Hope Sanity Prevails

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:57 am

You can think and plank? Holy shit. I bow down. I just pray to be done soon.

Leta January 19, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Well, one thing’s for goddamn sure; I’m not using “hurricunt” or “Kirk Cameron” nearly enough.
Leta recently posted..Chromoplasts

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:58 am

Try this new one, too! “Goddamn Tony Danza.”

Mamy January 19, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I’m old school and probably overuse “fuck” and “shit” on a daily basis. I do believe I will find a way to work in quadrowhoredon and hurricunt, you know, just to mix it up a little! Thanks for the laughs Noa!

Mamy January 19, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Asshat has potential too!
Mamy recently posted..Where’s the Plunger? I Know we Have One Somewhere!

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:58 am

@Mamy: There’s nothing that a little fuck or shit can’t jazz up.

AJ January 20, 2012 at 6:50 am

Fuck, cocksucker, and shit, but I’m not very refined, just vulgar.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 12:59 am

That’s the way to be.

buttah January 20, 2012 at 8:56 am

My sweet little boy was 4 and riding on the back of a golf cart with some friends. They decided to do a little “off roading” and they went over a little hill, my child shouts “holy shit that was fun!” Of course my friends couldn’t keep it together and died laughing, and my sweet baby says, “ooooh please don’t tell my dad, let’s just keep this little secret between us guys ok?” Then later that day, he was playing with a toy and it wouldn’t work so he slams it down and says “fuck that shit!” I TOTAALLYYY don’t know where he gets that from, cause I NEEEEVVVERRR say that….ahem.

Then one nite, after mommy had a few vodka drinks he came to tattle that some other kids wouldn’t let him in their room to play (girls) so I told him to go tell them, “let me in bitches!” and he went down the hall yelling “leeemmmeee in biiittcchheesss!!’ It. Was. Awesome. SOOOOO PRROUUUDD!!

But some of MY favs are twatwaffle, cunt cake, fucktard, fuck, fuckin’ shit, douchebag, douche nozzle, and douche canoe and many, many others. I did try to stop cussing once and used son-of-a-monkey-humper as a substitue…it was kinda funny.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:00 am

Cunt Cake?

Amazing. I must start using.

Just out of curiosity…it’s a fish cake, right?

Bill G. January 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

COCK-SLAP-O-GRAMS.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:01 am

Oh God. They would be so useful.

Ann January 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

My mother-in-law, who I don’t believe has ever uttered a curse in her life, was cutting my three year old niece’s hair. As she was finishing up, my niece asked for a mirror to see the new “do”. After turning the mirror and her head this way and that, she proclaimed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph Nana, the God-damned bangs are crooked!”
Ann recently posted..Then and Now

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:01 am

She’s a proper southern child. Well done.

Myth January 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I have routine appointments at a children’s hospital in Indianapolis, where they work on treating my illness. Across from the main building is a parking garage with six levels. My mother and I like to park our car on the very top, out in the sunlight. So when we made it there earlier today, the cement was blanketed in slush, except directly outside the building with the elevator; there it was covered in salt, little round pellets of it. I ignored it on the way in, but cut to as we’re leaving. We’ve just gotten off the elevator, and I step outside into the freezing cold wind, and I make it about two paces before slipping and falling. I slipped on—I shit you not—all the damn salt. I landed directly on my right kneecap with my leg bent at an odd angle, and let me tell you, it hurt like a motherfucker. So of course I’m like, “FUCK! That fucking hurt, what kind of a dumbass glue-sniffing son of a bitch needs this much fucking salt! Goddammit, there’s enough fucking salt here I could make a fucking horse drop dead!”

My mom is waving frantically, trying to get me to shut up. I look around and there’s a little curly-headed girl in a fluffy pink coat, staring at me. Wide-eyed.

“I, uh… hi there. Don’t repeat any of that. Hey, did you know salt is called sodium chloride? Science! Remember that. Stay in school.”

Cue hasty exit (or as hasty as one can be while limping).

Beth January 20, 2012 at 6:11 pm

“Glue-sniffing son of a bitch,” is officially the new way I will be addressing my mother. Thank you so much for that!!!!! Also, I hope you have recovered from the fall. Assholes.

Myth January 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I mostly just skinned my knee, and not enough to cause it to bleed. I think it will probably turn into a beautiful bruise by tomorrow, but other than that, I’m fine.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:03 am

@Myth: Always end with “stay in school.” It’s a clean sweep into a better place. Applause, my friend, applause.

@Beth: Your mom sounds rad.

Fearless Fibro January 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I am so inappropriately in love with you right now.
Curse words are clearly meant to add to sentences. As Spongebob says, “they are sentence enhancers”. If they didn’t have their own category of speech (Exclamations-An exclamation can be a word, a phrase, or a sentence that shows strong feeling.) I might feel different. But, since you can Google it, it must be true.

My first time? It was with a little boy down the street. We were 4. I was chasing him, yelling, “Come back, Mother Fucker!”

BTW, Lava Soap? Not as bad as it seems. A bit grainy, but less caustic than expected.
Fearless Fibro recently posted..My Sincere Apologies

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:04 am

@FF: I hope it lasts forever.

I agree–some sentences need enhancing like people need to wear clothes.

Elsmama January 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm

At the concession counter at a movie theater, I once spilled a large soda all over myself. Naturally, I said, very clearly and disticntly, “Fuck me with a dick!!” The mother with her two kids standing behind me was not amused.
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Bill G. January 22, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I spilled a large drink at the movie theater and said, “Fuck me in the goat ass!” The old lady behind me was pretty cool about it, it was the 30-something with her that got all weird and pissed-off about it.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:06 am

@Elsmama: I hate when I get glares for saying terrible things around kids. You know what? IF you didn’t want your kids to hear the real world, don’t take them out into it.

@Bill: She’s fucked a few goat asses in her day.

Kristin January 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

My inappropriate cursing story, as follows:

The summer after my freshman year at The University of Fucking Michigan, I insisted on coming along as an assistant on a 6th Grade camping trip, with my former school, in which my baby sister was a student/camper. Unbeknownst to the teachers, I was a know-it-all nineteen-year-old with no filter on a filthy mouth. I was also, and am, hopelessly uncoordinated and non-sporty. There was a required-participation staff volleyball game, and no matter what excuse I gave, they forced me to play. With every fucking error I made, I dropped some sort of choice word. I didn’t even know I was doing it until my sister–the 12-year-old–told me, after the game!! I was utterly embarrassed, and completely in pain from my lack of fitness and many volleyball-induced injuries. God donut!

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:07 am

Volleyball is sent from the goddamn tony danza devil.

Aimster January 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I’m a new gal to your readership, and will jump into the fray to announce my all-time favorite curse-word / personal slur:

Rusty Cunt Bucket. As in…”That rusty cunt bucket just ran her shopping cart into my heels. I will cut a bitch.”

I actually made an RCB on Photobucket a few years ago, for my friend who taught me the word. I found a pic of a rusty bucket and simply ‘shopped “cunt” onto the side of it. We used to email it to each other with regularity.

Noa, I fucking love you with the strength of a thousand red-hot rusty cunt buckets.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:08 am

WELCOME. We love you here, too.

Also, excellent follow-through with the photo-shoppery.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Personally, I think any sentence without a fucking curse word is fucking incomplete.
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Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:08 am

FUCKING AGREED.

Kelsey B January 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

My brother cusses like a sailor so it is no surprise my niece did too. She was almost two when she climbed to the top of the stairs by herself, turned back to come down and couldn’t figure it out. Like a pro she said “Well, fuck.” Her catch phrase was “Shit son. We gonna go?” They cut back on the language because of course she would have to start school eventually.

Noa January 27, 2012 at 1:09 am

I love that your niece had a goddamn catchphrase. Your family is rad.

Candice January 27, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Getting in the car with my son and it was raining. He says, while looking out the windshield, “I can’t see a thing out this DAMN window.”

Oh, my God! How do you have the “You really shouldn’t say that” talk when you are trying not to cry from laughing so much?

Noa January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

And that’s why I can’t have kids.

Janene February 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm

My favourite cursing story happened between my Dad and I. I forget exactly where we were, but I think we were waiting on my Mom. Dad’s first language is Polish, but he rarely spoke it at home. I’d persuaded Dad to start teaching me swearing in Polish, because, hey, swearing in another language is pretty rad when you know that there aren’t people who understand it. So Dad managed to teach me to say “Bite my ass”, and when I asked him for a more offensive way to say it, he goes, “Well, you could add ‘thru a straw’,” which I never did master. I tried to get him to teach me more effective swear words like, “Fuck you” but Mom interferred, and the Polish lessons stopped.

My favourite phrase to say is probably, “You have got to be fucking kidding me. Fuck you and your little dog, too.”

I recently introduced my WoW guild group to “twatwaffle”. It was awesome.

Noa February 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm

1. Thank you for spreading the word of twatwaffle.

2. Thank God for foreign parents. Adrian’s entire vocabulary of curse is in Hungarian.

Tabitha February 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I must say that I am pretty pleased with myself for finding your website! Every post keeps me laughing!
My favorite cussing story is when my then 3 year old son called my ex-MIL a bitch..I was the proudest Mom around!

My favorite cuss word or phrase is….Fucking Goat Fuckers!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:08 am

I, too, am glad you found my site! I hope I can keep you laughing and laughing.

PS: you’re raising your son right.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 10:54 am

My favorite curses are ones I make up in my head and never say outloud cause they sound ridiculous when spoken.

Like ‘Hot holy damn’. I use that one (in my head) a lot.

Or ‘bitchtits cockmuffin’.

Mostly I just say ‘fuck’ a lot.

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