I swear to God that two of these three are true.

In a Bar.

Grace: Hey, it’s nice that you’re bussing your own table!
Drunk Girl: WHAT DID YOU SAY, BITCH?
Grace: I said…Oh God, I just said it was nice that you bussed your own table. They’re busy tonight.
Drunk Girl: You wanna GO, motherfucker?
Grace: No. No I do not.
Drunk Girl: (threatening arm gestures) HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Grace: Um. What?
Drunk Girl: How are you today, bitch? Are you good today?
Grace: I–think so?
Drunk Girl: You look nice today! DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT?
Grace: Are you fighting me with compliments?
Drunk Girl: WHAT BITCH? HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Grace: Good Lord, what the fuck is happening?

In my hallway, in my bra.

Adrian: Just put some FUCKING CLOTHES ON.
Noa: I don’t wanna go now.
Adrian: Jesus, Noa. It’s been 30 minutes already. We are already late. Just put a fucking shirt on and get in the car.
Noa: I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t look good in anything.
Adrian: You will look fine in literally anything you wrap around your body right now. Anything at all. As long as your nipples are hidden, we are going to this goddamn party.
Noa: YOU DON’T GET IT, ADRIAN. I’M NOT GOING. I DON’T LOOK GOOD IN ANYTHING.

It is, at this point, that I lock myself in the closet.

Adrian: I’m gonna slide some cheerios under the door, and you can come out of your grumpy room when you’re dressed and no longer shouty.
Noa: FUCK OFF.

Any guesses? Let’s play, shall we? Guess which one of mine is true OR give me two truths and a lie OR the best fight you’ve ever been in. Or both. Or pictures of the Krampus. I’m not picky.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Carrie, The Cannibalistic Nerd: “In one of the commercials a lady ends up with multiple vibrators and she and her husband seem very excited about this over abundance of fake penises, and I always think “One for every hole!” I mean, that’s what they’re trying to say, right?”

 

becca December 7, 2011 at 2:55 am

Just gave up in sleep did ya….. me too. Sleep isfor patronizing losers and fake people who pretend to be fake nice (I’m pretty sure I just said the same thing two different ways….) so I like to believe all but the last convo is real because:
1. I have been that drunk girl
2. My husband would never feed me cheerios in the hopes to hurry me up.
You’re one lucky gal to have a grumpy room with snacks…..

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:35 pm

The last convo is very real, actually, and frequently repeated!

Front Desk Ninja December 7, 2011 at 3:00 am

I think this is a trick question, Noa.
From all that you have talked about Grace and Adrian, both of those stories seem likely. The Funny or Die sketch, also seems likely because I know for a fact when you combine two hyper people who are secretly only children, who must have it their own way… you get street fights with cheerful music that makes me have Richard Simmons flashbacks.

Best fight I’ve ever been in was literally three hours ago.
Two Winter Whores (they’re nastier and more frigid than the regular summer whores), One john, Me.
They started to catfight over the ‘client’, and the guy in the fancy car wouldn’t get out to calm them down or pimp slap them. I went out, tossed them a penny and said to flip for it and shut the fuck up.
Then locked the only entrance to the hotel.

That counts as a fight, right?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tips On Whoring, From A Forced Observer

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:37 pm

The video is, sadly, not real. We fought, oh yes, but there was no music.

Mayor Gia December 7, 2011 at 6:37 am

The funny or die sketch is like my sister and I over whether we should hang tinsel with white lights or garland with colored lights on the tree. It gets ugly.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Christmas Animals: Christmas Kitty

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:38 pm

It was not a pretty fight. The other ornament was all glittery.

Hoody Hoo December 7, 2011 at 6:54 am

I’m gonna say the Grace one is NOT true, because Grace totally woulda fucked that bitch up. And she may need to fuck up Adrian if he won’t get you some better clothes.
The best fight I was ever in was with a girl in high school who was so short I could literally do the 3 Stooges thing and hold her out of reach of me, who thought I was banging her boyfriend… when I had no earthly idea who that was. She had to describe him so much it sounded like an eHarmony profile, and I’m still like, “No, not ringing a bell.” I STILL don’t know who she thought I was fucking.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Can’t Fix It? F**k It.

momiss December 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

Bahaha. I used to make this same mistake. The issue was not that YOU were f*cking anyone. The issue was that SHE was CONVINCED that her boyfriend was f*cking someone else, that was NOT HER. There is nothing you can do about this. You were just standing there. It took me years to learn that. The other thing I learned was that insecure women in this situation will not thank you for pointing out that they just announced they were insecure……
Oh, well. We all have to learn sometime.
momiss recently posted..Little Altars Everywhere….Pt. 2

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:39 pm

There’s an easier way to do that. Knock ‘em out. Totally works.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:39 pm

@Hoody: Grace’s fight was TOTALLY true. Hand to God, that happened. Also, I hope you said, “NYUK NYUK NYUK.”

momiss December 7, 2011 at 8:38 am

I haven’t had a fight except with the kids in about 10 years. I’m enjoying it a lot, but your post has me thinking about locking closet doors. I don’t have one and now I want one. I also read too much, and from the locking closet door my mind naturally wandered right into secret passages. YOU need one of those. Adrian will never know what hit him. Or, more importantly, where you went. Think it over. I’m already thinking about it should I ever be crazy enough to try another relationship, not that I see that happening anytime soon. lol
momiss recently posted..Little Altars Everywhere….Pt. 2

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Now, our closet doesn’t lock and it makes me sad. If I get shut in there, I can’t get out because there’s no inside handle. No more mad room.

Johi December 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

Ha! All of this is awesome! That is kind of how decorating the tree with a one year old and a four year old went for me. My head almost exploded.
(P.S. I liked the bird)
I hope that you found a shirt once Adrian fed you enough Cheerios to get your blood sugar to an accepable level…..
Johi recently posted..Dear Becky. Here is your #$&@*#& video message.

Monica December 7, 2011 at 11:56 am

This is why I should never have children. I have a short fuse for people who aren’t making any goddamn sense. I don’t know how parents do it. I’ve watched children fight and whine for 15 minutes to be allowed to do something, finally win, then argue that they didn’t want to do the thing they just argued for.
Monica recently posted..Spankings for everyone!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Hey, that sounds just like fighting with me!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:41 pm

@Johi: I did find a shirt, but pants were another story.

Johi December 7, 2011 at 8:45 am

*accepTable*…. it is still really early here……
Johi recently posted..Dear Becky. Here is your #$&@*#& video message.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I just sat and watched your video about a hundred times. Goddamn, Johi.

Johi December 9, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Did I scare you? My face is kind of made of rubber. It’s a gift and a curse all at once.
Johi recently posted..LOOK!!! It’s my first GIVEAWAY! Get OVER HERE!

Jen December 7, 2011 at 9:10 am

The video is a lie ‘cuz you would have cut a bitch.

My “2 Truths and a Lie”:

1. I was a professional NBA dancer for three years.

2. I spent 4 months following Jimmy Buffett cross-country in a Winnebago.

3. Before I was married I dated Steve from “Blue’s Clues”.
Jen recently posted..Truth or Dare: Part Deux

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 7, 2011 at 10:30 am

I saw something about Portland last night and I was all, “Oh, hey Jen…” I have no idea what it was, but there ya go.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..My dirty little secret…

Jen December 7, 2011 at 11:35 am

Was it about how AWESOME P-Town is? ‘Cuz, yeah. . .pretty much the greatest city EVER!
Jen recently posted..Payback’s a Bitch

Becca December 7, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I gotta hear more about this blues clues thing…

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm

“Where’s your vagina? OH HERE IT IS.”

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm

You know, ’cause there’s a blue pawprint on it.

Front Desk Ninja December 7, 2011 at 10:18 pm

I want all of these to be true.
All of them. You’re my goddamn idol.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tips On Whoring, From A Forced Observer

Jen December 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I’ll leave you guessing, Ninja. BWAHAHAHA!!!
Jen recently posted..Best. Birth control. EVER.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:44 pm

@Jen: Oh God. All three of those are true, aren’t they?

Jen December 8, 2011 at 10:43 pm

You know what. . .the first is a lie. . .I was only a Portland Trailblazer’s Dancer for TWO years!!! Everything else is true. I’m fuckin’ rad like that.
Jen recently posted..Best. Birth control. EVER.

Jen December 8, 2011 at 10:48 pm

We’ll discuss Steve at a later date. And if you behave well I may forward you video of me cheering the Blazers on to victory.
Jen recently posted..Best. Birth control. EVER.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:57 pm

MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE RAD.

Jen December 8, 2011 at 11:30 pm

you KNOW you so fucking want to be me when you’re 40.
Jen recently posted..Best. Birth control. EVER.

Janene November 7, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Hell with Noa. *I* want to be you when I’m 40. Thank God I have a couple of years left to turn my life around.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

I’m sorry to see you and your stalker are having problems.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Pop Culture Haikus: John Travolta Tries to Make a Reservation at KFC and US Decides this is Newsworthy.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 7, 2011 at 9:47 am

Oh! And I’m honored to be fave comment!
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Pop Culture Haikus: John Travolta Tries to Make a Reservation at KFC and US Decides this is Newsworthy.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I’m honored that you’re fucking funny.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

She’s just so fucking pushy.

Grace December 7, 2011 at 10:19 am

Its cheating if I play, right? My favorite fight was either the Tranny v Noa episode at my bachelorette party. (No really… http://ohnoa.com/2010/11/to-be-fair-she-did-look-better-than-i-did/)

Or…the bar fight with the Nebraska Cornhuskers fans that we denounced for wearing a penis hat and then told him his wife was clearly “corn-fed”. That one actually ended surprisingly well.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:46 pm

That was the BEST fight ever. I remember more of that night than I do Epcot, which is embarrassing.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

I would have totally bought you and Alicia in a street fight if you had busted out dancing. Since you didn’t, I’m thinking it was a set up, and I feel cheated.

When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way…

The other two I believe to be 100% TRUE. Because I’ve had the same conversation with my husband and because I’ve encountered loud obnoxious drunk girls in bars who don’t know if they want to make out with me or kick my ass.

Two truths and a lie:

My sister broke my finger when I was 15 while we were fighting over the one damn phone we had in our house (it was a wall phone because it was in the late 70s) because I was talking to my boyfriend and she wanted to call hers and even though we agreed to a length of time we would each use the phone and set the timer so that it would be fair, I was a selfish little bitch and refused to honor our agreement. What happened next was like Fight Club. While she was sitting on me and trying to pry the phone out of my hand, she broke my finger.

I threatened to have her arrested.

We both got grounded from using the phone for a week.

——–

Now, let’s go back to 1982: At a New Year’s Eve party, my best friend Kara literally jumped me from behind, knocked me to the ground, sat on me, and screamed, “Say UNCLE!” in my face until I said it. Then we both laughed so hard that she PEED ON ME.

To this day she has no idea why she did it. But I feel like she OWNS me, because she PEED on me.

(Excessive amounts of alcohol may or may not have been involved.)
——————————————–

I totally popped a cap in my ex husband’s ass because he wanted to get a fake tree. That shit don’t fly, yo.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..My dirty little secret…

kim December 8, 2011 at 4:19 am

Oh my God, I HATE out fake tree! One of those “compromises” from when I was married. It’s gotta go. We’ve been divorced for 3 years. I want my soul back.
kim recently posted..for real.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:17 pm

You nailed it. The video was staged. WEIRD, RIGHT?

Also…please tell me you shot your ex.

Jillian@BrilliantTitle December 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

The story about Grace is totally true. I would be the type of woman to get into a split-personality argument with a complete stranger. Given a couple of cocktails, my inner hoodrat would battle against my bubbly exterior, creating the urge to knock a girl flat on her ass while also reminding her that if she calls the number at the bottom of her bar receipt, she can provide feedback about the customer service she received and be entered to win a gift card!
Jillian@BrilliantTitle recently posted..If You Would Like To Celebrate With Me, Feel Free To Bring Presents!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I would like to be receipt assaulted.

In fact, I’m fairly sure I’ve seen a porn like that.

socialassassin December 7, 2011 at 10:59 am

I’m going to bite off more than I can chew here, and attempt all three. As a relative newcomer to the site, I’m at a disadvantage to regular readers, but I suspect the last conversation is the lie – there is a party involved, and you don’t strike me as someone who would let the trifling matter of partial nudity stand between you and alcohol.
Two Truths and a Lie:
1. I was once briefly a dog-sitter for Gavin Rossdale, singer of the band Bush and husband of Gwen Stefani.
2. I can rotate my feet so they both point straight backwards whilst I face forward.
3. I can karate-chop my way through ten concrete paving slabs.

My best ever fight was featutred in one of my blogs, but I’ve been told posting links in someone else’s blog is akin to breaking into their house and taking a crap on their couch, so you know where to find me if you want full details. Suffice to say the article was called “How to Punch a Child in the Face.” !!
socialassassin recently posted..Let’s Play Truth or Dare….

Jen December 7, 2011 at 11:36 am

Oh my GAWD I so want the second one to be true.
Jen recently posted..Payback’s a Bitch

socialassassin December 7, 2011 at 2:49 pm

But its cheating if I tell you!!!
socialassassin recently posted..Let’s Play Truth or Dare….

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:30 pm

The last conversation is 100% true. And frequent. It’s a thing we do.

I know #3 is true because Adrian can totally do the same thing (because when you know how to do it, it’s not that hard), and I’m gonna say #1 is true. YES?

socialassassin December 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Actually the first two are true. I’ve never broken slabs with a karate chop. I looked after Mr Rossdale’s dog whilst working at Wembley Stadium as a doorman. He went out looking for cigarettes. In England, we would say he went looking for a pack of fags, but I understand Americans interpret that slightly differently…
socialassassin recently posted..Let’s Play Truth or Dare….

Dana the Biped December 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm

My best fight? As a kid, I once throttled my sister in my sleep. No, really. My parents came upstairs to find her choking and me screaming obscenities, and they couldn’t even ground me for it. It was awesome!
Dana the Biped recently posted..My Apartment Exploded

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Yeah…I’ve done that same thing too…I swear to God I have. I never hit my sister intentionally when she was sleeping. Nope. Not me.

Dana the Biped December 9, 2011 at 10:19 am

Huh. Nice to know I’m not the only one who’s violent in my sleep.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hops in the Right Direction: She’ll Have a Blue Christmas Without You

Jaime December 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

that video is hilarious………… you guys make some awesome shit!
Jaime recently posted..excuse me while my hand grazes your crotch……

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Why thank you very much!

Andi December 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I think the last one is a lie. Nobody I know has a locking closet, and I don’t think you’d want to miss a party on account of being shirtless.

The best fights I’ve ever had are verbal. I still savor the memory of sticking one to my high school bully in study hall. We were having a smack down about whether girls or boys were better, and I finally got exasperated.

Me: What would you know about it? You’re stupid half the time.
Him: I am NOT stupid half the time!
Me: Fine, then you’re stupid ALL the time. Have it your way.

Ahh, victory…..or maybe the best one was the one with my college boyfriend at the end of my freshman year, when he was helping me move out of the dorms.

Him: I’m never carrying your stuff up and down three flights of stairs again!
Me (sweetly): You don’t have to. I live on the second floor next year.

All together now: Oh, snap.
Andi recently posted..It’s What’s On The Inside That Counts

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Our closet did lock from the inside, but it had 2 entrances and one didn’t lock, so it was kind of all for naught. We lived in a pretty ghetto apartment.

I would like to film you fighting, because goddamn.

Jaclyn December 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I’ve only ever been in an actual fight with my sister. She likes to point out the scars I left on her arm from when I dug my nails into it. What she always forgets to mention is the fact that I was holding her arm because she was trying to punch me in the face.

If you are wondering what led us to this violent confrontation, it was because we both wanted to use my mom’s car at the same time to go get fast food. I wanted to go to Wendys and she wanted McDonalds and neither of us was willing to wait for the other or concede to eating a different kind of hamburger.
Jaclyn recently posted..When Did Captain Hook Become Such a Little Bitch Boy?

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:39 pm

That’s more dedication to a hamburger than I have ever had. Well done.

HeathRobots December 7, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I don’t wanna play b/c I have to be inappropriately contentious drunk girl in all my almost “fight stories”. This includes a showdown I once had with a balloon at my roommate’s birthday party. Let’s just say I got out a butcher knife and showed that inflated asshole who was boss. (Hint: It was not Tony Danza).

Me:1 Balloon: RIP

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:40 pm

This one, sadly, took me a second, because I thought, “Tony Danza’s not a balloon,” and then I felt like an asshole.

Feryx December 7, 2011 at 11:38 pm

The second scenario is true. God knows how many times that has happened to me. Cept I never get cheerios.
Feryx recently posted..C.rap Battle

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:41 pm

That’s the only reason I got married. Cheerio delivery system.

kim December 8, 2011 at 4:23 am

Why is it so hard to understand that sometimes we REALLY don’t look good in anything?
kim recently posted..for real.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:41 pm

He thinks he always looks good in Linen pants with a linen shirt and a tie. He’s got some jacked up judgment.

NCT December 8, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I never care if I look good, as I’m a male. I don’t care if it’s jacked up judgment or not, but unless it’s a business meeting or we take the wayback machine to when I was a teen, I never have really cared and I’ve actually had some pretty attractive female companionship along the way. I’ve known metrosexuals, even before the name was invented, but I never could bother to care.

Women tends towards insecurity about appearance and men tend towards “I have to wear shoes instead of sandals? That sucks, as my feet will sweat and you’ll hate me later.”

Misty December 8, 2011 at 10:53 am

I started laughing so hard at “are you fighting me with compliments?” I so want this one to be true. And since my work computer is afraid I’m gonna look at porn, it blocks every video and I can’t see #2. Boo. So, by default, 1 & 3 are true.

Also? I am totally going to try to get into fights with people now by shouting “How are you today, bitch . . . you look nice today!!” I will confuse them into submission.

I don’t get into any physical fights. I use my words. I remember a huge knock down drag out screaming match when I was a teenager and I was taking down some cuntastic bitchface “friend” with my verbal assault, no words of which I can remember, but she was so schooled she actually apologized to me and chased me down when I left the house we were in to tell me that I was rad. True story. Or is it?
Misty recently posted..Buddy the Elf

Jen December 8, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Oh it’s true, Misty. Your verbage could shank a bitch at 50 paces. That’s why I want to follow you in the hallway and sniff your hair.
Jen recently posted..Best. Birth control. EVER.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Oh, were we not already doing that?

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:42 pm

@Misty: THE COMPLIMENT FIGHT IS TOTALLY TRUE. College Station, TX: home of compliment fighting.

And now you know how to use your words in a more fun way.

Pablo Andreu December 8, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Penis.
Pablo Andreu recently posted..Dr. Wazoo

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Vagina.

Brett Minor December 8, 2011 at 10:58 pm

The worst fight I ever had with my wife was kind of one sided. One weekend when we were in college, I suggested he go home to see the family for the weekend. She said we couldn’t afford it. I stated that we could because I set a few dollars back every week just so we could occasionally go home. She kept insisting that we couldn’t and I showed her the money. She kept saying no while I said yes. She finally asked, “Why are you being so negative?”

Since I was the one saying we could do something, that is the OPPOSITE OF NEGATIVE. I didn’t mean to, but the absurdity of the statement made me laugh out loud. She didn’t talk to me for days.
Brett Minor recently posted..Today’s Secret Word is … WAR!!!

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:50 am

Adrian once said to me, in a fight similar to that, “What did I JUST SAY?” which happens to be a line he uses to keep his kid’s class in line.

He enjoyed not speaking to me for a few days.

Carri December 8, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Pablo took the words right out of my mouth. And by “the words”, I mean “the word penis”. I don’t mean “his penis”. Because that would be awkward. He’s never even bought me dinner.
Carri recently posted..This Article Was Written By A Man

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:50 am

I bet he wouldn’t mind.

Myth December 9, 2011 at 12:41 am

My memory of events is astonishingly awful. I barely remember what happened to me last week, let alone earlier in my life. I am also a really terrible liar. But since I really wanted to share, here are two truths I managed to recall. My lie is on strike.

1. We used to live in a place called Elizabethtown, which was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it ass-backwards middle-of-nowhere little yard. I swear, I could have walked from one end of it to the other in five minutes, and I was four years old. We had a trailer, which was basically the same as the trailer we have now but better, and my room was basically just a scale model of Mount Everest made out of stuffed zebras and Kool-Aid pouches. I had a bean-bag chair which was my favorite thing in the universe, and one afternoon I fell asleep underneath it. Not on top of it; underneath it. My mother came to fetch me when it was dinnertime and couldn’t find me; she canvased the whole house but, of course, I was nowhere to be found, because I had picked the best hiding place of all: right in plain sight. Her panic slowly escalated as she searched the house twice more, and then set out with my grandmother to search the rest of the town. My best friend lived across the street from us back then, and her mother got involved too, and when I still didn’t turn up my mother called the cops, who systematically searched every single place I could ever possibly be within a fifty-mile radius. Eventually my mother returned home, sick with worry and angry with herself for letting me disappear… and when she walked in the door, there I was. Sitting on the couch with my baby blanket in my lap pretending my Barbie dolls were fighter planes.

I wish I could remember the look on her face.

2. My grandmother was a half-decent woman, technically speaking, but she was also my complete opposite, and tended to blame any bad moods of mine on things like PMS, in essence claiming there was no real reason for me to be bitchy—I just wanted to bitch. Now, my grandmother really liked coloring books, and I was often bored so I would “borrow” them and color in them too. One morning she was flipping through her coloring books while I got ready for school, and she noticed I had colored a particular page that she was apparently really fond of, and she got upset. A big argument ensued, in which I eventually called her something obscene and threw an entire plastic cup of orange juice at her. She ducked, but was still splattered with juice, and the cup flew over her head and into a picture frame hanging on the wall behind her, shattering the glass. We never bothered to do anything to fix it: we still have a broken picture frame hung on the wall above my bookshelf.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:51 am

I enjoy your comments so immensely. They’re such a brilliant image into your life and it’s consistently fucking hilarious.

I love you.

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