Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Trojan Condoms

12/05/2011 · 114 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Dear Trojan Condoms,

What. Have. You. Done.

Those broads in your vibrator commercials you have yakking about how rad it is to not talk about vaginas only to talk about vaginas in the most diabetic way possible is shameful.

Do you think your target market is a fundamentalist community, or perhaps the girl from Virgin Diaries who thinks kissing is mostly biting the lips off of gay men?

Is it supposed to make them actually want to buy a vibrator? If that’s what you’re aiming for, I want to be totally up front with you–your ad campaign makes me want to beat myself in the crotch with a sack of weasels. It would be more useful and considerably more fun, based solely on your terrifically shitty ad campaign.

Issue 1: “That little personal massager that goes on the tip of your finger? It’s so cute!”
Fuck You: You know that when women say “it’s so cute!” in response to something of a phallic nature, we generally mean, “Oh sweet Jesus that’s pathetic. It’s gonna be a pity fuck kinda day, isn’t it?”

Issue 2: “It’s super discreet. Here, I bought one for a friend, AND I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.”
Fuck You: 1) Just Friday night I found popcorn in my bra at 2 AM. If I can’t find popcorn in my shirt, I don’t need to be finding a twat tickler in my tic-tacs. 2) If I were to buy a vibrator for a friend, I would not allow many people, if any, to handle it. That’s how you get the HIV.

Issue 3: “Personal Massager.”
Fuck You: Personal Massager is the term our mothers and grandmothers used when they bought vibrators from Harriet Carter that were photographed on women’s necks, like we didn’t fucking know where that lavender-colored rocket was gonna go.

Issue 4: “Is that the one that is so good, it’ll blow your hair back?”
Fuck You: If you’re advertising discreet, and then show women walking around with the most jacked weaves possible so everyone knows you just shoved your hands in your vag, THEN YOU ARE REFUTING YOUR OWN CLAIMS AND CONVINCING PEOPLE NOT TO BUY THEM. “Hey, this pill will cure your Herpes, but will tattoo your face with “HERP A DERP” for all time.”

She shares all my rage.

Shit is absurd.

Your other commercials are brilliant. They are entertaining, they are funny, they make you want to buy lube even if all you’ll use it for is for light-speed spudguns.

Your vibrator commercials deny the idea that women have any cognitive ability above a tween level, much less an idea about how to seek information about sex and pleasure. That clusterfuck of faux-dickery you call a commercial is abusing every sensibility I have as a human, a woman, and as someone with a fucking brain. The entire campaign is as patronizing as the phrase, “have a happy period.”

Try again.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

Jesus FUCK I hate those commercials. Am I way off here? Are they reaching a real demographic that I am aware of? Are there other products that are insulting to women that I don’t know about?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana the Biped: “My boyfriend called. He misses me. But I’m too busy working my way through the funny bitches to get back to him. Maybe if he were a funnier bitch…” 

 

Front Desk Ninja December 5, 2011 at 3:22 am

I’m personally insulted by all the ‘low fat dessert’ commericals.
Fuck you, if I want to have dessert I want all the unhealthy goodness to remind me why they should be considered ‘treats’.
Or the chocolate commericals that declare how many calories, or sodium content, or how many monks died churning the butter…
information I don’t want to think about licking the melted goodness off my fingers, thanks.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Life Choices Will Always Come To Punch You In The Mouth, Kids. Always.

Jen December 5, 2011 at 1:36 pm

That shit makes my uterus cramp. And why do they put nutritional information on McDonald’s containers? If I really gave a rat’s ass about nutrition, would I be eating at this shithole? At least I now know how to say ‘fat’ en Espanol. Muchas Gracias, Senor Ronald.
Jen recently posted..I am Target’s Bitch

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Adrian cares a scary amount, because that motherfucker eats fast food EVERY GODDAMN DAY and has the heart health of a fetus. He kills me.

NCT December 9, 2011 at 3:49 pm

It can happen. I had a recent checkup, including ultrasound of the heart and stress tests and I lived most of 4 decades on beer, beam, honky tonk food, and greasy enchiladas and some other things I might have done I think the statue of limitations is up but I won’t say on the web. The ultrasound tech was bullshitting with me while he was doing the exam and I asked how the old heart and liver looked and he said “Surprisingly good. Dammit, I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t mean to encourage you.” :-)

I would rather die at Sam’s with a rib in each hand than in an old folks home with rabbit food in front of me.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

@FDN: I am frantically searching for “monk butter churning tragedy,” because it’s clear I’ve missed out on something big.

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 9:53 pm

How about the Michelob Ultra commercials? Only 64 calories per 12 oz. bottle!! If you’re that committed to counting calories, maybe you should lose the beer and do vodka & cranberry juice. Whoever thought of Michelob Ultra needs a foot in their ass.

iampisspot December 5, 2011 at 3:34 am

As I’m from the UK, I haven’t seen this advert. We don’t really have anything similair over here, as English people, in particular, don’t have sex.

Apparently.

Well, nobody talks about it, anyway.
iampisspot recently posted..The post where I write about my Mum and death, probably cry a bit and then beg you for money. Not necessarily in that order.

Jen December 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Aren’t you supposed to just stare at the ceiling and think of the Queen?
Jen recently posted..I am Target’s Bitch

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 5, 2011 at 2:36 pm

“Just lie back and think of England…”
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Tis the Effin’ Season, Y’all

iampisspot December 6, 2011 at 3:24 am
iampisspot December 6, 2011 at 3:23 am
Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Your royalty ain’t too bad to look at these days. Well, the younger generation. Okay…Prince Harry. Maybe Kate if I’m feeling randy.

calliope December 5, 2011 at 6:22 am

I live in Belgium, where sex is socially acceptable and there is no need to advertise vibrators (especially in such an obnoxiously indiscretely discreet way), so I had to Google this.
Then I threw up in my mouth a little.

Although I will say that it still doesn’t trump when Always started doodling in my fucking maxipads.

I started using a Divacup after that bullshit.

Teresa December 5, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Diva cups are the way to go. I am not sure what company it is, Tampax, Always, or Hole-Plugs Ltd, but there is one in Canada making disposable versions of the Diva Cup. That’s not the fucking point!
Teresa recently posted..A cure for meh-laise.

Cyprium December 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

What is this Diva Cup to which you refer? I must ask the great Google.

Cyprium December 5, 2011 at 1:44 pm

OMFG – I just ran screaming “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” around my house after the great Google told me what a Diva Cup was. All I can picture is getting the cup washed out, and then scrubbing my hands with scalding hot water to make sure I don’t have any blood living under my fingernails waiting to evolve into some PMS infused creature from the great vagoo.

I might mention here that I am a germaphobe, and while my vagoo is clean and healthy I do not desire to go sticking my hands into it while it is leaking clots of blood. And — what do you do with the stupid cup while you are sitting on the can? Do I walk with my panties around my ankles to the sink and wash it out right then and there? Is there a Diva Cup holder that I can place it in, assuming that I have a second Diva Cup waiting in the wings for vagoo insertion?

I will continue to kill the environment as I flush tampons.

Monica December 6, 2011 at 12:35 pm

I had a problem with a tampon a few months ago. My husband and I had drunk sex, and I forgot I was wearing it. Poor guy had to go spelunking in the morning. This is how I know he loves me.
Monica recently posted..People who long to be 20 again are crack smokers

Jen December 6, 2011 at 12:38 pm

You have officially grossed me out. . .and they said it could not be done. My cap is off to you, milady.
Jen recently posted..Truth or Dare: Part Deux

Jana December 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Holy Crap, that shit is way too funny…..vagoo splunking, not something you consider every day!!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:31 pm

@Calliope: I salute you for divacupping. Shit is gross to me.

@Teresa: Isn’t that just a dixie cup?

@Cyprium: Your whole comment stream here made me cry laughing. Well done.

@Monica: Imagine if you had a diva cup. It’d be like he was getting punched in the dick repeatedly.

@Jen: Ditto.

@Jana: Every time I see this name, I think it’s Jana Duggar, and it makes me smile a little bit.

Mayor Gia December 5, 2011 at 6:30 am

Well to be fair, those enzyte commercials (“Meet Bob..”) are just as annoying and talk around the subject just as much – I figured that that was just how they handled all sex topics for television.

As for the vibrator commercials, I think they’re trying to reach a slightly older demographic. College kids are getting their sex toys the normal way (back alley), but these commercials feature a grandma saying she has one too. Yay everyone! Grandma is having sex! Grandpa isn’t doing it for her though, so she uses a Trojan Vibrator! (Sorry, personal massager).
Mayor Gia recently posted..How to Be the Best Boyfriend Ever (Part I)

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 5, 2011 at 8:23 am

Plus in that “Meet Bob” commercial, whatever universe he lives in, it is Christmas year-round.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep12

Jen December 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I used to work for the agency that made the Enzyte ads and yes, I am actually an extra in two of them. On behalf of Cmedia, I apologize for our rampant dickery.
Jen recently posted..I am Target’s Bitch

RozB December 5, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Did you have to laugh to keep from sometimes just saying something to break the mood in the room?

BTW – you are one funny bitch!
RozB recently posted..Should a Presidential Candidate Be Smarter Than the Average Bear?

Jen December 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Thanks, Roz. There was some pretty rampany dickery (pun fully intended) on set. The guy who played Bob was rad as shit and the master of the penis innuendo. I’ll have to rustle up a you tube video for y’all.
Jen recently posted..Truth or Dare: Part Deux

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:34 pm

@Gia: Nana only remembers the lavender, aggressively hard plastic personal massagers. Nana needs some lovin.

@Carrie: I want to punch Bob in his giant dick.

@Jen: I HOPED YOU WOULD SEE THIS ONE SO MUCH. And I’m always hoping those commercials will come back on so I can see you, because fuck YouTube.

@Roz: Jen? Laughing? No. She’s a classy lady.

Hoody Hoo December 5, 2011 at 6:40 am

A-FUCKIN’-MEN! Preach on, mah sistah! Plus, I am so wigged out that they’re ADVERTISING DILDOS ON THE TV that I pretty much become my granny whenever one of those commercials comes on and start worrying about what time it is… are the kids in bed yet? Harriet Carter was good enough for my generation, it’s good enough for yours!
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Are you a hundred, Hoody? You still buy your dicks from Harriet Carter?

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 5, 2011 at 8:26 am

In one of the commercials a lady ends up with multiple vibrators and she and her husband seem very excited about this over abundance of fake penises, and I always think “One for every hole!” I mean, that’s what they’re trying to say, right?
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep12

Jen December 5, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I tried that and wound up chipping a tooth.
Jen recently posted..I am Target’s Bitch

Becca December 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm

bwahahahahahaha!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

@Carrie: I think that’s a choking hazard.

@Jen: You should have used the realskin ones. Those are more forgiving.

@Becca: Agreed.

Andi December 5, 2011 at 9:07 am

All the more reasons to support your local sex shop this Christmas. I can’t figure out why Trojan even bothers — it’s not like they’re selling you a Jack Rabbit or a Venus Butterfly or anything that would actually be cool. It’s a basic vibrator. Most of us who grew up NOT in the Dark Ages already have one and have moved on, thanks.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — I Need A White Flag

Jaime December 5, 2011 at 9:16 am

So fucking true…. And we also probably have one that is more effective and useful than this one appears to be….. I haven’t seen the commercial, but I’m guessing if it’s not endorssed by Noa.. It’s probably as useless as a man with a little peener.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:39 pm

It looks like a toothbrush. Yum.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm

@Andi: Trojan wants you to know it thinks about the ladies, too. In the most awkward and unsettling way possible.

Ally December 5, 2011 at 9:24 am

Can we talk about the Summer’s Eve commercials for a second?

“Hail to the V” What the Hell?

If my vagina is “the center of civilization” as their commercial states, than I am a whore. And I am fairly certain I am not a whore.
Ally recently posted..White Trash Christmas Parade

Andi December 5, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I always think of the reptile race on the TV show, “V.” Then I get amusannoyed that my vagina is being compared to scary, eat-you-during-sex reptiles. Then I wonder if that was accidental.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — I Need A White Flag

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I’m glad I’m not the only one who made that connection.

Jen December 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Jesus, I AM a whore and even I hate those ads. Then again, the thought of power jizzing a pint of balsamic vinaigrette up my gotch is disturbing on many levels.
Jen recently posted..I am Target’s Bitch

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Wha….? What in the hell are you talking about? Is that ONE OF THE COMMERCIALS?

Cyprium December 9, 2011 at 12:15 am

Balsamic vinegrette! Roflmao!

Oh douche, how you have claimed the vag health of so many women…

Just a heads up to all the awesome women here –
If you feel like you need a douche, you probably need to see your gynecolegist.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:42 pm

@Ally: I LOVE the racist ones, because GODDAMN. Any commercial that will use a Mexican lady’s voice and make her say taco like THAT is my friend.

Jaclyn December 5, 2011 at 9:38 am

I actually posted about this same thing a few months ago. The whole “blow your hair back” thing? Totally fucking creepy. And why are they standing on the street in front of a mailbox just casually talking about dildos? If they can’t even say the WORD vibrator, I don’t think they would be randomly discussing it with their neighbors. Also, when they talk about the multiple “positions”? I actually said, out loud, “what is the thing going to fuck you doggie style?”. And then my toddler said “doggie style” and that was the end of my mommy license.
Jaclyn recently posted..(Deadbeat) Daddy Dearest

nadine December 6, 2011 at 5:46 pm

…that awkward Christmas when I bought you a vibrator was back in the day when I didn’t just buy sex toys online and had to go to a brick ‘n mortar physical store. They should include that in the commercial… how you don’t have to go to the Porn Emporium to buy dongs no more. The privacy of your home or the ease of Target.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I’m mailing my silent, slightly shy friend who just moved to New Mexico a giant dildo as a joke. I hope it’s not such a joke.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

@Jaclyn: Beat me to it. Goddamn it. I’m like Adam Sandler in blogging right now.

Kelly December 5, 2011 at 9:43 am

I prefer to buy my sex toys in my living room, drunk, with a bunch of friends. “Discreet purchases”, my ass – everyone shows everyone what they bought. Beats a Tupperware party any day.

The commercials that drive me insane are the FALSELY advertised his and her lubes or whatever the fuck they’re called. Find me someone who enjoys getting their clit burned off, because that shit wasn’t funny. I found it hard to get in the mood when I was looking for the eye wash station that I don’t have to save my girly bits from 8th degree burns.
Kelly recently posted..I was my biggest pet peeve today.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Every time I go to pick up boxes from my front office, I wonder how many totally blank boxes they get…and then they KNOW.

I also imagine you hopping around wildly, spraying your crotch with a fire extinguisher. Lovely.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 5, 2011 at 10:11 am

I went on a tangent about the “blow your hair back” commercial a week or so ago… I find it almost embarrassing to watch. It’s like they take the whole “vaginas are icky-poo” thing to a whole new level. Like, “Have fun with your vagina, even though it’s icky-poo.” And F to the Y to the motherfucking I, I don’t want a discreet little orgasm that “blows my hair back.” I want to be climbing the walls, waking the neighbors, and beating a hole in the headboard with the rhythmic banging of my head. That’s right, Trojan… don’t blow my hair back, blow ME back.

Kelly December 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

“Gee thanks Trojan, I could have bought a box fan.”
Kelly recently posted..I was my biggest pet peeve today.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:53 pm

A little aquanette will bring you to orgasm in Trojan’s world.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:52 pm

@Danielle: EW! Vaginas are something we all have, but GROSS, YO! Fuck that shit.

Cyprium December 9, 2011 at 12:21 am

More power to ya! I am right there with you. Even if for some ungodly reason I decided to pleasure myself in public, I think I would be ashamed more about the fact that I was using the trojan shame vibe than the fact that I had just been caught thumping the litlle man in the boat. When I orgasm, it had better be right or I go all hulky and ragey about it.

Misty December 5, 2011 at 10:49 am

I have not seen this commercial, and now have no desire to do so. Then again, I don’t really know what it is they are advertising. A personal massager you say? Good, because my neck has been a little tense lately, so I could use something for that. I would never place anything unseemly and vibratey near my lady parts though, because I am a proper fucking lady, thank you very much. Y’all are a bunch of whores.
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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 5, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Remember the time I decided to become a Passion Parties consultant and spent over $300 on a box of vibrators to sell to sexually adventurous/frustrated women/whores but never threw one party or made one sale, so wound up with a gianormous crate of dildos in my bedroom filled with unopened sex toys?

Right now I’m using a fortune in rubber penises as a rack for my purses, coat, and other things I don’t feel like hanging up.

I think I’m going to write a book called “Alternative Uses For a Box of Dildos.” Suggestions?

Or does anybody want to buy a vibrator?
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Tis the Effin’ Season, Y’all

Cyprium December 5, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I went to a Passion Party and posted my purchases on facebook. My pastor unfriended me…but his wife didn’t!

Jaclyn December 5, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I have a toddler sooo… ring toss?

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Funny story: my mom totally did that for a while, and then offered some leftover product to my sister. Memories.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

They have a whole YouTube channel, if you’re interested. It’s fucking terrible. And it’s true–we are all whores, but at least we have rad-ass vibrators.

Teresa December 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Maybe these adds are geared for tween brains because grown up women are buying vibes with a little more… ahem… heft.
Teresa recently posted..A cure for meh-laise.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:56 pm

If it goes on the tip of my finger, I’m afraid I’ll lose it somewhere, and then it’s even weirder. Good point, Teresa.

Bloggertobenamedlater December 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

The Europeans always have the best ads for vibrators. It’s really too bad they’d never make it on regular television here. A favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLNLHRIgHPo

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Dear God, thank you for sharing that. That was amazing.

Dana the Biped December 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

It’s bad enough to have to buy condoms at the drugstore in a small town where absolutely everything gets back to your mother. And now they expect me to buy vibrators there?! And honestly, my hair is bad enough as it is.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Right? Enjoy that! “Oh, yeah, well I don’t need the condoms right now, but I still need the lovin’, you know what I’m saying, Uncle Ned?”

Meg December 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I fucking HATE these commercials. Could they be anymore tacky? They’ll blow your hair back? So will my fucking hairdryer, but I don’t plan on using my hairdryer during sex anytime soon. Unless anyone here can tell me if I’m missing out on something in the hairdryer/sex department.
Meg recently posted..Thanksgiving

Noa December 8, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I think hairdryer sex would be rather desert-y.

Meg December 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

I was thinking kinky.
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Meg December 9, 2011 at 5:44 am

Ask Danielle…
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Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 5, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Dear Meg,

You’re missing out on something in the hairdryer/sex department.

Love,

Dani
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Tis the Effin’ Season, Y’all

Meg December 5, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I knew it!!!

Danielle, at one time I too signed up to sell Passion Parties. One of my best friends did it and made pretty good money. I quickly found out I’d never make a living selling dildo’s. I’d definitely buy your book on their alternative uses.
Meg recently posted..Thanksgiving

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I can’t shill dicks to my friends. They already have the ones they want. Bitches.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I…am so intrigued right now.

kim December 5, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Good God, I already have a fingertip. Let’s see them advertise a real dildo!
kim recently posted..for real.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Amen.

Rebecca December 5, 2011 at 4:30 pm

You’re right. That advert is patronising as hell. Condom and vibrator adverts should just be funny. That’s why I like Durex adverts, most of the time they get it right:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5sTBrs4fhQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14zNzMjrTnE

I visited Canada a few years ago, brought an Always pad during an emergency stop, put it on, looked down, saw the phrase ‘have a happy period’ stamped all over the damn thing, and actually brought it back to England with me to show my friends. I thought it was hysterical.

Then of course they brought it over to the UK, and now whenever I see that phrase I want to find the marketing genius who came up with that, roll up my hygiene essentials and shove them one at a time in unfortunate places.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:06 pm

In the US right now, Tampax and Always are engaged in a fantastically passive aggressive ad campaign shitting all over each other trying to be the one who gets all the blood. It’s so sad to watch.

Becca December 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm

These ads are for MEN, because only a MAN would watch this commercial and think to himself “wow I gotta get one for the mrs/fiance/girlfriend/significant other.” Only a MAN would believe that this would actually give enough pleasure to blow back a woman’s hair permanently, and ONLY a MAN would gift this to a woman. Women KNOW better, unlike those skanky ho’s in the commercial. In fact no woman that’s actually had a REAL ORGASM would even consider bothering with that. So go ahead men, buy up the Trojan vibe… and kiss your sex life goodbye.
Becca recently posted..When Less Becomes More

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Adrian gets totally skeeved out by those ads because the dudes all look like they belong on Virgin Diaries. It’s so sad.

DogsOnDrugs.com December 5, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Best magazine ad. EVER:

http://www.boingboing.net/filesroot/Manix.jpg
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:09 pm

That took me a second, and then I laughed my ass off.

RozB December 5, 2011 at 8:57 pm

What’s worse is the old lady eavesdropping on the convo and pretty much tells these girls “You don’t know shit. Been there, done that heffas.” Then they all giggle, rather than be grossed out by the thought of an old lady getting her skeet skeet on.

I used to do those “Adult Toy Parties” and made some good money. But there are some folks I don’t ever want to think about using my products. Ever. Again.
RozB recently posted..Should a Presidential Candidate Be Smarter Than the Average Bear?

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:10 pm

How many blister packs of anal beads did you sell to Blanche Deveraux?

Ninja Mom December 5, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I want to immolate anyone associated with that ad. Burn bitches.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:11 pm

I bet their hair is pretty fucking flammable.

Heather Heartless December 6, 2011 at 12:53 am

Like the Foo Fighters, I have another confession to make.

This commercial, while absolutely appalling, did appeal to me on some level.

Why?

A.) My local sex shop employees nothing but people I went to high school with. Who are usually always pregnant.

I don’t want to buy sex toys from someone I know… especially when they’re knocked up for the 8th time.

B.) It’s little hard to explain to your mother that you were brushing your teeth with an electric toothbrush in your bedroom.

At 3:00am.

When you don’t own an electric toothbrush.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Get that shit online. Fuck the sex shops with the judgy mcjudgersons.

And at least it’s not a waterpik!

Ann December 6, 2011 at 1:56 am

Bad commercial is bad. I fully agree with you. They wont be selling much with that kind of marketing.
Ann recently posted..how to get a girl to like you

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I think your post title there is well placed, madam.

RozB December 6, 2011 at 5:23 am

When I was still in the Navy, I came home on leave and had my “friend” packed in my bag. My mom and I were standing in my room and she stepped on my bag and it started buzzing. Loud. We were standing there looking at each other like in those Clint Eastwood westerns before she said “Umm…your bag is buzzing.” I said “Uh…yep.” Her dog started barking at it hysterically. She left the room and I learned a valuable lesson. When traveling with your pleasure devices, remove the batteries before packing.
RozB recently posted..Should a Presidential Candidate Be Smarter Than the Average Bear?

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I had a friend who brought hers into the fucking security line. They took it out, stared, and then placed it right back in the bag. Lovely.

She threw it away.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) December 6, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I don’t know how i missed this but I just saw this commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c4iaetOC54

Seriously… “Dr. Pepper 10: It’s not for women.”

Shows a bunch of guys playing war games, littering, and basically being douchebags. And it’s an actual, legit commercial that I just saw while watching Hoarders, or something educational.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..My dirty little secret…

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Have you tried Dr. Pepper 10? I did, because I break the rules, and that shit is fucking disgusting. Dudes can have it.

nadine December 6, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I think it’s really cool that vibrators and lube are becoming more mainstream and that I can pick them up at Target right by my multi-vitamins and shampoo. One stop shopping for ALL your needs.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I support mainstreaming sex, but I don’t support shitty advertising.

I do, however, support Target.

nadine December 8, 2011 at 9:10 pm

your next video should be a dildo commercial.
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Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I’m writing it down.

momiss December 6, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Honey, you are RIGHT ON. I, too, have wondered not only who in the hell they are trying to appeal to, but why in the hell they would spend money to put that kind of crap on television in the first place. Obviously, they have not even a clue about women. If they did, they would know that women pay big bucks for that kind of thing over drinks in the privacy of their own homes. Adult women, anyway, which MAY NOT BE their demographic. They are probably trying to appeal to teens.
I’ve suffered for years over the commercials with Bob, who has a sack full of pride……..ringing any bells? Again, I think they are targeting teens, and with that music? Two year olds. Pathetic.
momiss recently posted..Little Altars Everywhere….Pt. 2

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:25 pm

If my teenage cousin came in today and asked me about vibrators, I would not recommend this.

Megan December 7, 2011 at 12:28 am

I hate the women in these fucking commercials. Did the casting call ask for the most vapid and plastic looking bitches from ass fuck nowhere USA? Jesus at least use b movie broads. Also love the screen shot you included. The caption should read “Comgratulations you stupid bitch, you now get to fuck one dick from her until eternity! And to celebrate here is a magic bullet to remember the days when pleasur came in the form of vodka comas and one night stands. Your welcome”
Megan recently posted..I Die… but not as fashionably

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I love how she says the full product name in the commercial. I often do this.

“Adrian, where’s the fucking Borden’s 2% Homogenized Milk?”
“Adrian, I need more Lipton’s Family Size Iced Tea Bags.”
“Adrian, we should go shopping for more KY Lubricating Jelly, Sensual Pleasures.”

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 10:25 pm

These are the women that missed the cut on America’s Top Model and Cosmo isn’t taking their phone calls, so they’re reduced to late-night dildo, er, personal massager commercials. “At least I’m on TV, Mom!! Jane Seymour and Jennifer Aniston have embarrassing commercials and HBO/Cinemax bit-part boob-shots, too.”

Michy December 7, 2011 at 7:12 am

The Mate bought me one of those a while back. Turns out the reason their hair is all blown back is because they are so pissed off and frustrated after using it that they find themselves furiously driving like hell to return it.

Either that or they just all have super shitty hairstylists. Whatever.
Michy recently posted..Sweet Sixteen!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I think anything that requires a watch battery will not be entirely pleasurable to use.

msjake December 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Don’t let your husband get his hands on it. He may misuse it and bad things may happen.
Not that I know first hand or anything – I’m just sayin’.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I HAVE TO KNOW.

msjake December 9, 2011 at 8:15 am

I will just let you know the lesson I learned –
they are for external use only.

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Hey, why aren’t there ads like this geared toward men? Oh, that’s right, integration of the five-knuckle-shuffle into a liquor store ad is vexing for advertisers.

I can see it now: “Guys, are you between girlfriends right now? Is the wife out of town for a week and your nads need attention now? Well we’ve got the answer! Swing by Dave’s liquor store. We’re up to our asses in hard alcohol and have 350 brands of beer on premises. As a bonus, we’re right next to Bob’s Porn Emporium. It’s one stop shopping for those nights that you’ve just gotta jack your crank!!”

The best part is, you’re done in 15 minutes (or 30 minutes if the porn you rented is a bit lacking and you really have to search for a good fuck scene), so there’s plenty of time to keep drinking and pop in a good action movie or surf the internet.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:58 am

I would love, at any point, to be up to my ass in booze. Any time, any day.

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Noa, I was cruising around your threads and commenting on funny shit without really putting any thought into the possibility that a GUY commenting on vagina, Kotex, and “personal massager” discussions probably crosses a lot of boundaries and comes off pretty creepy. That wasn’t my intent here, at all.

Cyprium December 10, 2011 at 2:03 am

I, personally, think your point of view is funny as hell. Anyone that is shocked/surprised/offended by a male perspective this far into the thread is probably trolling the interwebs looking to use their rightious indignation on some unsuspecting victim of the funny blogs.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 1:00 am

Fuck that politically correct bullshit. I want to hear ALL OPINIONS. I am a very welcoming asshole.

WAIT.

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