Dear Trojan Condoms,
What. Have. You. Done.
Those broads in your vibrator commercials you have yakking about how rad it is to not talk about vaginas only to talk about vaginas in the most diabetic way possible is shameful.
Do you think your target market is a fundamentalist community, or perhaps the girl from Virgin Diaries who thinks kissing is mostly biting the lips off of gay men?
Is it supposed to make them actually want to buy a vibrator? If that’s what you’re aiming for, I want to be totally up front with you–your ad campaign makes me want to beat myself in the crotch with a sack of weasels. It would be more useful and considerably more fun, based solely on your terrifically shitty ad campaign.
Issue 1: “That little personal massager that goes on the tip of your finger? It’s so cute!”
Fuck You: You know that when women say “it’s so cute!” in response to something of a phallic nature, we generally mean, “Oh sweet Jesus that’s pathetic. It’s gonna be a pity fuck kinda day, isn’t it?”
Issue 2: “It’s super discreet. Here, I bought one for a friend, AND I HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.”
Fuck You: 1) Just Friday night I found popcorn in my bra at 2 AM. If I can’t find popcorn in my shirt, I don’t need to be finding a twat tickler in my tic-tacs. 2) If I were to buy a vibrator for a friend, I would not allow many people, if any, to handle it. That’s how you get the HIV.
Issue 3: “Personal Massager.”
Fuck You: Personal Massager is the term our mothers and grandmothers used when they bought vibrators from Harriet Carter that were photographed on women’s necks, like we didn’t fucking know where that lavender-colored rocket was gonna go.
Issue 4: “Is that the one that is so good, it’ll blow your hair back?”
Fuck You: If you’re advertising discreet, and then show women walking around with the most jacked weaves possible so everyone knows you just shoved your hands in your vag, THEN YOU ARE REFUTING YOUR OWN CLAIMS AND CONVINCING PEOPLE NOT TO BUY THEM. “Hey, this pill will cure your Herpes, but will tattoo your face with “HERP A DERP” for all time.”
Shit is absurd.
Your other commercials are brilliant. They are entertaining, they are funny, they make you want to buy lube even if all you’ll use it for is for light-speed spudguns.
Your vibrator commercials deny the idea that women have any cognitive ability above a tween level, much less an idea about how to seek information about sex and pleasure. That clusterfuck of faux-dickery you call a commercial is abusing every sensibility I have as a human, a woman, and as someone with a fucking brain. The entire campaign is as patronizing as the phrase, “have a happy period.”
Noa D. Gavin
Jesus FUCK I hate those commercials. Am I way off here? Are they reaching a real demographic that I am aware of? Are there other products that are insulting to women that I don’t know about?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Dana the Biped: “My boyfriend called. He misses me. But I’m too busy working my way through the funny bitches to get back to him. Maybe if he were a funnier bitch…”