One of my favorite ways to pass the time in which I should be working but am fantastic at finding other shit to do is to cast movies that aren’t already movie-ized (books, comic books, anime, etc). That’s got me to thinking lately: who would I cast in my own biopic?
Since this is my goddamn imagination, for some I have chosen characters instead of people. I pleasantly invite you to suck my dick if you don’t like it.
Me: Amy Poehler
“I always wanted to grow up and be Amy Poehler.”
Amy Poehler is the funniest fucking lady I know, and she absolutely does not give a shit about anything but being funny. Her characters are wide-ranging and absolutely fucking hilarious, her shows are unstoppable, and she is my comedy hero. I have a long way to go until I’m able to be played by Amy Fucking Poehler, but I’m getting there.
Adrian: James May from Top Gear BBC
“You utter PIRATE.”
Adrian is the most meticulous, artistic, and quietly witty person I know. He also plays piano and loves cars.
James May is a meticulous, artistic, quietly witty piano-playing car lover who even has long hair just like Adrian. If you’ve never seen the show (which, by the way, fuck you if you haven’t), you’ll know that James May is the quiet cleverness to Jeremy Clarkson’s assholery. James is the calm counterpoint to ridiculous off-the-wall bullshit, thereby solidifying his spot as Adrian’s counterpoint to my assholery.
Grace: Rachel Green from Friends
“I don’t understand guys. I’d never congratulate Monica on a great stew by grabbing her boob.”
My sister is one of my best friends, and she reminds me so much of Rachel it scares me a bit. She’s adorable and fun and sometimes really funny and a bit judgmental (which makes her even funnier). She’s even high maintenance (though she’ll never admit it) just to add to all the fun, but she’s unflaggingly hardworking and tough as nails, even when people pass judgment on her. She’s had her own hardships but made her own way, just as Rachel did.
Damon (Grace’s Husband): Jayne Cobb from Firefly
“This here’s Vera. She is my very favorite gun.”
Damon is the only person I know who can understand Swamp Loggers, drinks moonshine, and loves guns like he gave birth to them. Damon’s smart-assed mouth, love for camouflage, and his inability to shut his mouth when he’s got something funny in mind combined with the rest make Jayne Cobb from Firefly the perfect match.
My Mom: Molly Weasley from Harry Potter
“Not my daughter, YOU BITCH.”
My mom is the nicest, kindest person I know. Once, a friend of a friend of a friend’s baby passed away, and my mom cried for days. My mom is so soft-hearted, but cross her like Bellatrix Lestrange crossed Molly Weasley at the end of Deathly Hallows, and she will, in no uncertain terms, whip your skinny ass.
Leo (Mom’s Husband): Call from Lonesome Dove
“I believe that mule’s hobbled, son.”
Leo is viciously smart, and he’ll use it against you in a heavy Texas accent before and after he drinks whiskey while he’s (Hand to God) hand-making guns. He’s hardworking, family-oriented, and foul-mouthed. He even came up with my new favorite phrase, “Self-Inflicted Ugly.” If ever there was a man to play Leo, It’s Call.
Alicia: Gilda Radner
“Autumn Fizz, the carbonated douche!”
I’ve never known someone who can, with even the dumbest comment, make me roll on the floor laughing for hours. Radner can do the same: they both have amazing and memorable characters, and aren’t afraid of doing anything on stage. I will say this–as much as Alicia complains about her hair, it is a thousand times better than Gilda’s.
Lana: Idgie Threadgoode from Fried Green Tomatoes
“You a politician, or does lying just run in your family?”
Lana has calmed down a bit in recent years, but she was one wild-ass motherfucker before she had a son and had to be responsible. Lana never had a second thought about ramping a Ford Station Wagon, or jumping into a river while running from a bonfire of fireworks (though she did save her Dr. Pepper), or sliding face first down a two-story fire pole (located in her backyard). She and Idgie are one in the same: wild-assed women who will kill for family. Secret’s in the sauce.
Adrian’s Mom and Dad: Frank and Marie Barone
“Are you hungry? No? I’ll make you something.”
Have you ever seen the Everybody Loves Raymond about the giant fork and spoon? Frank and Marie have an ugly giant wooden fork and spoon set hanging in their dining room, and a fight ensues to either remove it or keep it.
3 years ago, Adrian, his sister, and his mom and dad had that battle in our house. We are currently in possession of the set, but not after several threats and a lot of tears and a little bit of good Hungarian food.
They’re hilarious and cynical and disappointed in our life choices and pressuring us about having kids while spoiling the ever-living shit out of our nieces and they even bought us a vacuum for Christmas.
My Granny: Clairee Belcher in Steel Magnolias
“Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”
Clairee is a kind woman who will be the first to lend a hand, but if you don’t watch your ass, she’ll tear into you in the most hilarious way possible. Her unstoppable vitriol towards Ouiser Boudreaux reminds me of thousands of times she’s torn into jackasses. Always pulled together, and always ready with a hug and a smart-assed comment about something stupid you did recently. Had I not known better, I’d have thought they were the same woman.
Grandad: Hub McCann in Second Hand Lions
“You’re lucky the lion got to you before we did.”
Whenever my Grandad starts telling stories about his life, they’re always new, and they’re always unfailingly interesting and mostly hilarious. We have a photo of him in the Air Force in Japan wearing nothing but a blanket, his helmet, and boots while carrying a picture of my grandmother. He cannot recall the situation surrounding it, which makes it even more fascinatingly awesome. Duvall as Hub has the most amazing stories while still being a kind, if somewhat gruff, old cowboy. That’s my Grandad, alright.
My Great Grandma: Betty White
“I’m a teenager trapped in an old body.”
Betty White is absurdly fucking hilarious, and so was my Great-Grandmother. When she was in a Catholic nursing home at the end of her life, she would cuss at the nuns just to see them squirm. She once encouraged her nurse to drive through the wall of the Dairy Queen (the nurse did it, most likely afraid of what would happen otherwise.) She mowed the lawn until she was 94. She cussed until she died. I loved her so. She was the funniest and sassiest lady I have ever met, and she’s Betty all the way.
Who would you cast in a show about your life? It can be anyone and everyone, not just actors, so cast away! Well, don’t Castaway. That would be fucking terrible and I don’t know how I’d save you.
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Faultytower: “I’m not exactly sure what happened this Christmas. All I know is that goose will never be the same and the soonest court date is Wednesday.”