Given A Handprint In Front Of Mann’s Chinese Theater For This, I’d Straddle The Concrete.

12/28/2011 · 62 comments

in Adrian, Grace, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

One of my favorite ways to pass the time in which I should be working but am fantastic at finding other shit to do is to cast movies that aren’t already movie-ized (books, comic books, anime, etc). That’s got me to thinking lately: who would I cast in my own biopic?

Since this is my goddamn imagination, for some I have chosen characters instead of people. I pleasantly invite you to suck my dick if you don’t like it.

Me: Amy Poehler

“I always wanted to grow up and be Amy Poehler.”

Amy Poehler is the funniest fucking lady I know, and she absolutely does not give a shit about anything but being funny. Her characters are wide-ranging and absolutely fucking hilarious, her shows are unstoppable, and she is my comedy hero. I have a long way to go until I’m able to be played by Amy Fucking Poehler, but I’m getting there.

Adrian: James May from Top Gear BBC

“You utter PIRATE.”

Adrian is the most meticulous, artistic, and quietly witty person I know. He also plays piano and loves cars.

James May is a meticulous, artistic, quietly witty piano-playing car lover who even has long hair just like Adrian. If you’ve never seen the show (which, by the way, fuck you if you haven’t), you’ll know that James May is the quiet cleverness to Jeremy Clarkson’s assholery. James is the calm counterpoint to ridiculous off-the-wall bullshit, thereby solidifying his spot as Adrian’s counterpoint to my assholery.

Grace: Rachel Green from Friends

“I don’t understand guys. I’d never congratulate Monica on a great stew by grabbing her boob.”

My sister is one of my best friends, and she reminds me so much of Rachel it scares me a bit. She’s adorable and fun and sometimes really funny and a bit judgmental (which makes her even funnier). She’s even high maintenance (though she’ll never admit it) just to add to all the fun, but she’s unflaggingly hardworking and tough as nails, even when people pass judgment on her. She’s had her own hardships but made her own way, just as Rachel did.

Damon (Grace’s Husband): Jayne Cobb from Firefly

“This here’s Vera. She is my very favorite gun.”

Damon is the only person I know who can understand Swamp Loggers, drinks moonshine, and loves guns like he gave birth to them. Damon’s smart-assed mouth, love for camouflage, and his inability to shut his mouth when he’s got something funny in mind combined with the rest make Jayne Cobb from Firefly the perfect match.

My Mom: Molly Weasley from Harry Potter

“Not my daughter, YOU BITCH.”

My mom is the nicest, kindest person I know. Once, a friend of a friend of a friend’s baby passed away, and my mom cried for days. My mom is so soft-hearted, but cross her like Bellatrix Lestrange crossed Molly Weasley at the end of Deathly Hallows, and she will, in no uncertain terms, whip your skinny ass.

Leo (Mom’s Husband): Call from Lonesome Dove

“I believe that mule’s hobbled, son.”

Leo is viciously smart, and he’ll use it against you in a heavy Texas accent before and after he drinks whiskey while he’s (Hand to God) hand-making guns. He’s hardworking, family-oriented, and foul-mouthed. He even came up with my new favorite phrase, “Self-Inflicted Ugly.” If ever there was a man to play Leo, It’s Call.

Alicia: Gilda Radner

“Autumn Fizz, the carbonated douche!”

I’ve never known someone who can, with even the dumbest comment, make me roll on the floor laughing for hours. Radner can do the same: they both have amazing and memorable characters, and aren’t afraid of doing anything on stage. I will say this–as much as Alicia complains about her hair, it is a thousand times better than Gilda’s.

Lana: Idgie Threadgoode from Fried Green Tomatoes

“You a politician, or does lying just run in your family?”

Lana has calmed down a bit in recent years, but she was one wild-ass motherfucker before she had a son and had to be responsible. Lana never had a second thought about ramping a Ford Station Wagon, or jumping into a river while running from a bonfire of fireworks (though she did save her Dr. Pepper), or sliding face first down a two-story fire pole (located in her backyard). She and Idgie are one in the same: wild-assed women who will kill for family. Secret’s in the sauce.

Adrian’s Mom and Dad: Frank and Marie Barone

“Are you hungry? No? I’ll make you something.”

Have you ever seen the Everybody Loves Raymond about the giant fork and spoon? Frank and Marie have an ugly giant wooden fork and spoon set hanging in their dining room, and a fight ensues to either remove it or keep it.

3 years ago, Adrian, his sister, and his mom and dad had that battle in our house. We are currently in possession of the set, but not after several threats and a lot of tears and a little bit of good Hungarian food.

They’re hilarious and cynical and disappointed in our life choices and pressuring us about having kids while spoiling the ever-living shit out of our nieces and they even bought us a vacuum for Christmas.

My Granny: Clairee Belcher in Steel Magnolias

“Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”

Clairee is a kind woman who will be the first to lend a hand, but if you don’t watch your ass, she’ll tear into you in the most hilarious way possible. Her unstoppable vitriol towards Ouiser Boudreaux reminds me of thousands of times she’s torn into jackasses. Always pulled together, and always ready with a hug and a smart-assed comment about something stupid you did recently. Had I not known better, I’d have thought they were the same woman.

Grandad: Hub McCann in Second Hand Lions

“You’re lucky the lion got to you before we did.”

Whenever my Grandad starts telling stories about his life, they’re always new, and they’re always unfailingly interesting and mostly hilarious. We have a photo of him in the Air Force in Japan wearing nothing but a blanket, his helmet, and boots while carrying a picture of my grandmother. He cannot recall the situation surrounding it, which makes it even more fascinatingly awesome. Duvall as Hub has the most amazing stories while still being a kind, if somewhat gruff, old cowboy. That’s my Grandad, alright.

My Great Grandma: Betty White

“I’m a teenager trapped in an old body.” 

Betty White is absurdly fucking hilarious, and so was my Great-Grandmother. When she was in a Catholic nursing home at the end of her life, she would cuss at the nuns just to see them squirm. She once encouraged her nurse to drive through the wall of the Dairy Queen (the nurse did it, most likely afraid of what would happen otherwise.) She mowed the lawn until she was 94. She cussed until she died. I loved her so. She was the funniest and sassiest lady I have ever met, and she’s Betty all the way.

Who would you cast in a show about your life? It can be anyone and everyone, not just actors, so cast away! Well, don’t Castaway. That would be fucking terrible and I don’t know how I’d save you.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Faultytower: “I’m not exactly sure what happened this Christmas. All I know is that goose will never be the same and the soonest court date is Wednesday.”


alicia December 28, 2011 at 2:58 am

Imagine me playing a really sad but happy song right now while crying and drinking my own tears. Now imagine me going outside in rain boots (just rain boots) screaming, “I’m Gilda! Do you hear me you mother lickers I’m Gilda! I’ve always been type casted, but look who is playing a character that looks and acts nothing like me!”…wait…I have Gilda’s hair and weirdness. (forever alone face)

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:14 pm

You also have Gilda’s humor, so FUCK THOSE GUYS.

Mayor Gia December 28, 2011 at 6:44 am

Hmmm dunno which actress I’d pick to play me, but whoever it is, she’d be much younger than George Clooney, who would be playing Boyfriend. The rest of my family are so stereotypically like the Barones from Everybody Loves Raymond (Nice reference!) that I’d just use them out of laziness…
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I’d like to say my in-laws are anyone other than the Barones, but they’re so guilt-driven it’s insane. Add in a few sex jokes, and you have my in-laws.

Elsmama December 28, 2011 at 7:26 am

I don’t know who would play me, but I know my spouse would need to be portrayed by a magically created combination of Al Bundy and Dilbert.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I would really really like to see that movie to see Dilbert shout at people about shoes.

Grace December 28, 2011 at 8:26 am

I am NOT high maintenance! By the way, it is 8:25 am and you have yet to wish me a happy birthday…you better call soon!

Misty December 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Yeah, you are totally laid back! :)

Happy Birthday, by the way.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Don’t wish her a happy birthday. It will only serve to enhance her laid-backness…

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm

@Grace: Happy fucking birthday.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

I’m pretty sure if we just made Liz Lemon from 30 Rock more lazy and less ambitious, she could play me.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

I wish I knew you in real life, then.

Brandon S December 30, 2011 at 12:03 am

Would it be wrong if I asked for Liz Lemon to play me as well? I mean she already dresses like a boy and we both have similar glasses so it wouldn’t be a stretch. My mother already calls me her older daughter. Oh well.
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jennielynn December 28, 2011 at 10:30 am

Top Gear, Firefly and Gilda? If you had pulled in a Dr. Who reference, I would have a blogasm. You’re a dirty little tease, Noa.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I just started watching Dr. Who. References will be abound so very soon.

Andi December 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

I do this too, but the only person who is easy to cast is my BFF, who absolutely HAS to be played by Morena Baccarin, from back when she did Firefly. Same hair, same lips, same supercilious attitude.
Andi recently posted..Christmas Was Extra Ridiculous This Year

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Your friend sounds, and I mean this in the least pervvy way possible, super hot.

Andi December 28, 2011 at 10:29 pm

She is. She has no sense of humor, though. She thinks Pat Sajak is funny. Everybody’s got a flaw, I guess.
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Jen December 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I “heart” you so much for the Firefly reference, you have no goddamned idea.

I would be played by Christina Applegate. Not Kelly Bundy Christina, but “Hall Pass” Christina who looks like a Mayberry housewife but cusses like a sailor and sleeps with guys half her age. She’d have to dye her hair though; I can’t rock the blonde. My sister would be played by Ann Coulter because she’s judgmental and disapproving and my ex-husband Gil would be Patrick Bergin in “Sleeping With The Enemy” only less shouty and more hit-y.
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Johi December 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I love Christina Applegate.
Oh, and Sleeping with the Enemy freaked me the fuck out. I seriously wanted to KILL Patrick Bergin’s character.
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Jen December 28, 2011 at 7:24 pm

You have my full permission to kill Gil. . .please!
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:24 pm

I have never seen this movie. I feel like the loser kid who didn’t watch Friends every week while it was on the air.

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:23 pm

@Jen: I shall conquer this land and call it…THIS LAND. Also, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Did you just have a Washgasm?

I hated Kelly Bundy Christina, but every single Christina character ever since has delighted me in ways that make me uncomfortable.

Jen December 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I’m grinding in my chair a bit at your “Firefly” quotes. . .or it could be because I’m alternating between checking posts and practicing my hip-hop routine to Flo Rida’s “I Got A Feelin'”; I’m not sure, ‘cuz I’m white-girl ghetto like that. Anywhoo, watch “Up All Night” on OnDemand if you want to see what happens to ho’s like me and Xtina Apl.D.Ap. when we turn 40 and pop out a few short people. What I love the most about Christina Applegate is that even though she has faced turning 40, surviving breast cancer, and reemerging in TV this last year, she hasn’t lost her edge. Much love, my twin sistah.
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Brandon S December 30, 2011 at 12:06 am

Everyone can rock the blonde. But only if you’re cool with the carpets and drapery not being a matching set.
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Misty December 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I would either be played by Drew Barrymore (but brunette) or Alyssa Milano. I have always felt a strong kinship with both & they both played Amy Fisher in two separate made-for-tv movies about the Joey Buttafuoco incident, and at the time, back in college, I was told by numerous people that I resembled Amy Fisher, so since those two already have experience playing someone who looks like me, but without the jacked-up drop out jersey accent, I think either one would be perfect!
Misty recently posted..Happy Christmakwanzukah!!!

Jen December 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Ooh! Make it Drew Barrymore so I can be your Christina Applegate older sister in “Going The Distance”! SQUUEEE!!!
Jen recently posted..Money For Nothing and Chicks For Free

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:26 pm

@Jen: Now I have Michael Bolton singing “Go the Distance” from Hercules stuck in my head.

Thank you so very much.

Jen December 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I will NEVER apologize for getting Michael stuck in your head. Girl, PLEASE! You know me better than that.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I can almost feel, there’s a far off place, where a great warm welcome, will be waiting for meeeeeeeeee.

Fuck Me I love some Bolton.

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

@Misty: My vote is for Drew Barrymore, because I can’t take Alyssa Milano seriously after her ridiculous “save the children” commercial. She makes me cringe with horror.

Lana December 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Idgie!! I like it! You failed to mention the running flips I used to do off the roof of the apartment. I’m laughing my ass off thinking of Rachel and Idgie giving Amy a wedgie so hard that her underwear rip and she smacks her head against the post of a bed. I think you nailed our family. Clairee and Hub are awesome. I also think Lilly from How I Met Your Mother is a good character for you.

Noa December 28, 2011 at 7:27 pm

I tried to tell Adrian stories about the crazy shit you did when you were younger, and he doesn’t believe me. THAT’S HOW COKED OUT YOU WERE AS A CHILD.

Luda December 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Well, I would (of course) be played by Rachael McAdams. As if you even had to ask.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Will Gosling be co-starring?

Dana the Biped December 28, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Anne Hathaway. Used with artistic license.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm

If you haven’t seen this, you’re welcome.

Dana the Biped December 29, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Ha! That is awesome!!!! She looks so embarrassed at the end, too!
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Johi December 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I would cast a blonde Tina Fey for me myself and I and that dude that played Elaine’s boyfriend in Seinfeld as Brock (he is nothing like Brock but he cracks me up and this is my mothereffing film).
Also, Thing 1 would be played by Dash from the Incredibles and Thing 2 would be the baby Brother that had tantrums and turned himself into a ball of fire. Yep- that seems right.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Patrick Warburton? He is my favorite actor ever. He is the reason why I love The Emperors New Groove more than almost every other Disney Movie. I’m super jealous I didn’t think of him first.

Johi December 28, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Yes. Him.
And so many people are jealous of me with the barely A cups, pimples and wrinkles and the thinning hair- so don’t feel bad. I get that a lot.
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Mandi E. December 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

The only celebrities I can think of to cast as myself would be some as yet undiscovered hybrid cross consisting of Denis Leary, Lewis Black, and Kristen Wiig. My husband? The turtle from Finding Nemo.
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I just had a comedygasm.

Brandon S December 30, 2011 at 12:08 am

Mandi are you seriously trying to create a Black Hole? I mean… hilarity and swearing and politics? Crap…. I would PAY to see that hybrid.
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kim, keeping time December 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Oh Noa, this makes me soooooo happy!

Me – Tina Fey and Sandra Bullock, basically Tina Fey but taller
Mama- Olympia Dukakis in Moonstruck
Bio Mom- Lindsay Lohan, if she lives to middle age
Dad- Omar Shariff, cast in someting as a Georgia Tech engineer
Melanie, sister – Sarah Jessica Parker, circa Sex In The City
Ellie, BFF – Jamie Lynn Curtis, as herself
Annette, BFF – Sharon Stone,

husband #1 – Ashton Kutcher with bad teeth and really stoned
husband #2 – Vin Diesel with bad teeth and really stoned

kim, keeping time December 28, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Annette, BFF – Sharon Stone, only younger and HOTTER!
(I had to finish that)
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I appreciate the continuation!

kim December 29, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Hahaha! Blogging at work. Can’t forget Annette, I’d be lost without her. She really is the hottest creature on earth!
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Noa December 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I laughed my ass off at your husbands so much. Thank you for this!

Myth December 29, 2011 at 12:49 am

I rarely watch TV shows or movies. I have seen a bit of Friends, and of course I am a huge Harry Potter fan, but that’s it. So I felt inexplicably triumphant when I got down to your grandad and went “SECONDHAND LIONS! I’VE SEEN THAT! I’M A CHAMPION!”

If I made a movie of my life, I think it would be done with stop-motion animation. Characters would have exaggerated appearances, but not in an unflattering way. A lot of it would be pretty surreal; some scenes would feature our D&D characters (who look like us but in hilariously shitty costumes) acting out bizarre parallels of my life. And Tom, the resident Dungeon Master Extraordinaire, would be voiced by Christopher Walken, because Tom has the most hilarious Walken-voice ever, and frequently uses it to threaten us. (“I will drown you in sheep” is now a running gag for our group. “Baa,” they will go. “Baa.” But there will be no release. No mercy.)

Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I hope you get a show. OH GOD I hope you get a show, because I want to see Wizard Walken so much.

Charity Woosley December 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Holy fuck! I LOVE JAYNE COBB!!!
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Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm


Ally December 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm

I would have James Earl Jones play me because that would be awesome.
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Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:53 pm

How the fuck did I not think of that?!

sars! January 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Dude, my brain hurts from thinking and now, Jen challenges as well.. shit.
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Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Jen challenges are the worst.

Jen January 4, 2012 at 8:50 pm

If by “worst” you mean “fucking epic” then yes…I concur.
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sars! January 4, 2012 at 10:48 pm

right now my writers block has an arterial blockage and is suffering some sort of aneurism type issue… I’m not sure that epic is the word I would have used. But maybe in a few days I’ll come up with something.
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