I’m Sorry Your Birthday Is Ruined, Jeez.

12/26/2011 · 79 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Merry Christmas, Tiny Asshole

Noa: I swear to God if that child plays with that singing Christmas frog on the plane one more time, I will set it aflame.
Adrian: Which one? The child or the frog?
Noa: Both. Why did they choose to Christmas-ize “Shout?” Aren’t there a million fucking Christmas songs to choose from?
Adrian: Does it make you want to–
Adrian: A little bit softer now, Noa.
Noa: I hate your very soul at this moment.

Mary Rode a Donkey To Bethlehem: A Different Interpretation

Noa: Oh my God. Did the pastor just say that they’re going to do a Donkey show for the kids?
Adrian: Well that seems like a harsh way to tell the Christmas Story. Hey kids, watch this donkey fuck a lady while we talk about Mary!
Noa: Right? How is he going to tie that in? That seems awfully avant garde for Christmas Eve.
Adrian: Be good, or you don’t get to see Santa’s Reindeer show!
Noa: I imagine there being a lot of jingling in that one. Perhaps that’s how Mrs. Claus gets her kicks. Do you think they have an Elf just for lubing?
Adrian: Hrrrckk. Oh, no…it’s just a donkey puppet telling the Christmas Story.
Noa: I’m ashamed of how let down I am by that.

Jasmine Is A Scissoring Motherfucker

Adrian: What did you do when we were all skiing?
Noa: Nothing, really. Watched Die Hard. Merry Christmas, motherfucker.
Adrian: Nice. OH. OH GOD. Noa…are the princess dolls for our nieces…?
Noa: Oh that? That’s just the castle gang bang. It seemed more fun than the princesses just standing around a castle.
Adrian: Is Beast…?
Noa: Yeah, turns out Prince Phillip is a furry. Who knew, right?

I’m sorry, Jesus. I’ll stop being terrible someday. Did y’all have a good holiday? Do anything inappropriate or watch someone else do so?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Petite Heretic: “Dear Noa Thank you for my Christmas gift of yet another blog addiction. As if I needed something *else* to do when I’m hiding from work whilst at work. P.S. I kind of want to be her.”


Brandon S @dcoopsd December 26, 2011 at 1:28 am

Just curious…. Barbie gangbang happened how? I mean, seriously, Ken has no parts to speak of (just that shitty rubber hair cut… Barbie probably made him do it though you know he’s had eyes for Skipper for years…. plastic tarte!). Barbie’s arms are stuck in that curious 90 degree position which means even if Ken HAD vacuum formed extrusions, that hand job is going to chafe. The one thing Babs has going for her is that her feet are stuck in that high heel shape and what plastic man doesn’t want his rubber ho to wear heels to bed?

Screwed up the Dream House ideal didn’t I?

Merry Christmas!
Brandon S @dcoopsd recently posted..Christmas wishes

Jen December 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

Pfft! Barbie and Midge have been dykadelic since 1963. And that whore Skipper has been fingered and thrown in the gutter more times than a bowling ball.
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Skipper is the dirtiest whore of them all.

Brandon S December 27, 2011 at 1:27 am

Well that explains why Barbie has more “cousins” than a Spanish soccer team. I mean seriously, the shelves at Target look like paparazzi photos of the Jolie/Pitt clan. Ken’s in the corner sporting his newest glued on hair look while Babs and Midge hold center court with their plastic spawn.

As for Skipper, I’m sure she’d speak up if it weren’t for her being [unfortunately couldn’t finish this comment because I’d have to make you log in as an adult and pay $9.95].
Brandon S recently posted..Christmas wishes

Noa December 27, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Did you not know? Barbies are all part of the Sister Wife conspiracy establishment.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:35 pm

@Brandon: Lots and lots of scissoring. It’s not the most preferable sexual position, but really, with flat crotches, they aren’t left with many options.

Plus, their hair wasn’t mussed in that way.

Miss Sassy Pants December 26, 2011 at 2:00 am

I didn’t steal baby Jesus’ thunder this year by farting during Christmas Eve church service, which may or may not have happened in the past.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted.."Who on earth would do that during church?"

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Adrian did manage to steal a bit of the show by almost puking in the middle of the service due to altitude sickness. The “HRRRRCCCCKKK” noise was special during the benediction.

Bill G. December 27, 2011 at 10:38 am

Oh no, vomit burps (a.k.a. “vurps”) are the worst.

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Jesus disapproves.

Front Desk Ninja December 26, 2011 at 2:07 am

My work offers free muffins and coffee on Christmas and Boxing day, and the muffins this year are from Costco, and they are the MOST DELICIOUS chocolate chocolate chip muffins that I basically killed small animals for in my youth.

I had two people come down early yesterday and try to take one, and I told them they couldn’t have any.

I’m not even ashamed. I’ve been awake for 30 hours and I still have 5 more to go before my bed is a remote possibility. I need my chocolate, dammit.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Come At Me With An Apology And I Think You’re About To Stab Me

Jen December 26, 2011 at 10:44 am

Take a CostCo muffin, break in half, spread with peanut butter, then reassemble. Then microwave for 20 seconds and top with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup. . .you’re welcome. :) Next week I shall regale you with my CostCo poppyseed muffin-cream cheese frosting-raspberry jam trifecta.
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Pure fucking genius. Keep that shit coming, even if it means dying at age 49.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

In Adrian’s words, “That’s why you drink coke–to bust up all the cholesterol with battery cleaner.”

Bill G. December 28, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I like it!!

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

@Jen: Sweet Jesus that sounds delicious. I’ve been trying to mix goldfish crackers and cholula all weekend because my nieces around means no decent snacks.

Jen December 26, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly saucy I’l blend a CostCo Apple-Cinnamon muffin with vanilla ice cream, milk, and maple syrup. Apple Pie ala Mode Shake. I am the fucking ghetto Rachael Ray.
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I hope you get your own show one day.

Charity Woosley December 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Holy fuck. I want this concoction.
Charity Woosley recently posted..The blogosphere is fuckin’ weird, ya’ll…

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

@FDN: Sometimes, bitch gotta hoard some muffins. I almost spelled that whorde, and really, I like that a bit better. whorde away, ma’am.

Elly Lou December 26, 2011 at 6:30 am

I like to think Jesus really enjoys a good donkey show.
Elly Lou recently posted..This Week’s Tweets

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Yeah, they didn’t have TV back then, or internet porn, they had to see it the old-fashioned in-real-life way.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I’m tired and have a cold, so I’m just going to throw pictures at you and call it a post.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Aren’t the personal, live experiences the best ones, though?

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 26, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Yes. Watching a Donkey Show on your laptop is forgetting the true meaning of Christmas.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I’m tired and have a cold, so I’m just going to throw pictures at you and call it a post.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm

It’s about being together. And what better way than that?

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

@Elly: It is using “all God’s creatures” to the fullest extent.

Johi December 26, 2011 at 8:26 am

I feel like I need to shower with a brillo pad now, Thanks Noa. Thanks a lot. I’m now going to have to spend the rest of my day bleaching my brain with Disney movies, popcorn and hot cocoa.
Johi recently posted..I love Christmas!

Jen December 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

((quietly humming ‘iCarly’ theme to cleanse myself))
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I have an uncomfortable love of the blonde haired girl on iCarly.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm

@Johi: Imagine my horror, sitting in one of the first few pews, hearing “Donkey Show” mentioned right after The First Noel. I drank my sadness away that night, because Jesus’ blood that night was Welch’s, and that shit just isn’t gonna cut it.

Mayor Gia December 26, 2011 at 9:39 am

Wow. Your pastor is either really naive, or likes making adults uncomfortable. Either way, I like it.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Christmas Lioness Got Confused

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

It was a one-off thing in the Mountains for my nieces. Luckily we’ll never have to be back there, because I’m fairly sure we’re no longer allowed.

kim December 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

I hate it when my cynical self gets a little warm and happy during this time of year, usually over some squishy cliche’ like Christmas carols in the children’s hospital. It feels much more familiar to be tweeting “Dude, where’s my fucking car?” from the mall parking lot as I walk around for a half hour freezing my ass off while looking for my truck.

High five the princesses for me, will ya? Nothing says “Ho Ho Ho” like the annual castle gang bang.
kim recently posted..christmas eve

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:52 pm

THANK YOU. I did the same thing night before last when my sister in law and I played Santa, decorated the tree and wrapped all the Santa presents for my nieces. And then I had to drink to wish the fuzzies away.

Jen December 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

I see your singing frog and raise you nine year old twins coked up on sugar and armed with a fucking karaoke microphone. If I hear one more rendition of “Party Rock Anthem” I’m gonna be ‘shufflin’ my sorry ass to the psych ward, y’all.
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Misty December 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Every day I’m shufflin’…..shufflin’ shufflin’
Misty recently posted..Happy Christmakwanzukah!!!

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I want to pancreas punch those fucking Kia rats.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm

@Jen: I’m surprised no one has unexplained massive skull trauma yet. I’ll be watching the headlines for a woman arrested while shouting, “NATHAN WILL STILL WAIT FOR ME.”

Jen December 26, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Arrest may happen sooner than you think. Just got back from the library with my Pocket Mr. T voice activator I got for Christmas. Spent about 45 minutes hiding behind the stacks pushing the “I PITY THE FOOL!” and “QUIT YO’ JIBBER-JABBER!” buttons and running away while people looked around in confusion. . .I need a babysitter.
Jen recently posted..A Very Mr. T Christmas

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I’ve heard that Mr. T is just a lady with a voice activator but I believe in Mr. T. I leave gold chains out for him ever year.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I’m tired and have a cold, so I’m just going to throw pictures at you and call it a post.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I fucking choked reading this shit, Carrie. Well played, lady.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 26, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Thanks, Noa. I drank my school and stayed in milk, and it got me where I am today.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I’m tired and have a cold, so I’m just going to throw pictures at you and call it a post.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress December 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

I think that Jesus gave you this gift of being “terrible.” I put that in quotes because I think anything that’s hilarious can never really be terrible. Just awesome.

So really, Jesus gave you the gift of awesome. And an uncanny ability to combine swear words with ordinary words and come up with some motherfucking genius combinations.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Do not disturb. Busy doing nothing.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Thank you for making me feel better about a guaranteed trip to Hell.

Brandon S December 27, 2011 at 1:15 am

Noa darling… lets just say that flight to hell is pretty slam packed what with all the gays and whores and coupon fanatics that exist on this planet (did I tell you I watched Toddlers and Tiaras on God’s day?). But don’t worry, I hear the in-flight movie has something to do with Barbie as a lesbian and Ken grasping for his non-existent genitalia. Come to think of it, that might be my own personal hell.
Brandon S recently posted..Christmas wishes

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I read something last week about the trending topic #GodIsNotGreat on Twitter, which is a book by Christopher Hitchins. I can’t tell you the number of responses that said, “If you think #GodIsNotGreat, go kill yourself.”

Hell sounds good compared to that. It’s so fucking depressing.

Ally December 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Have they ever done a donkey show with a miniature donkey and a miniature person?

I am asking you this because you strike me as the type of person who would have googled this at some point in time.
Ally recently posted..Weather Men are Con Men.

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I once positioned two of my nephew’s superhero action figures so that it looked like one was riding the other like a motorcycle. Mom thought it was funny, but I still wasn’t about to admit that it was me.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Oh my god, that is the craziest thing. I can’t even describe it.

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Enjoy imagining babyfacecrotch forever.

Brandon S December 27, 2011 at 1:18 am

Holy shitballs. Wait…. I said balls. Crap.
Brandon S recently posted..Christmas wishes

Noa December 26, 2011 at 4:57 pm

@Ally: Yes. On both counts.

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 2:21 pm

My 4 year old daughter got a Curious George book. I gotta tell you, I’m suspicious of that relationship. I can’t bring myself to Google pictures of George getting butt-slammed by the banana man, but they’re probably out there.

Which gift did my daughter like the best? The $5 flashlight that I got her at the grocery store. Bonus, the handle glows purple (constant or flashes depending on how many times you hit the button). It has a battery life of 200 hours (uses watch batteries) and is submersible to 1.5 meters. I spent a good part of the morning downstairs with the lights off playing flashlight tag with my daughter. Excellent Christmas morning. Then we watched the old Rudolph on DVR (the one from 1964 with Burl Ives).

The bitch of it is that I’m glad most of the family in town was sick and not taking visitors. It’s a weird duality of happiness and guilt. I really enjoyed spending Christmas morning with just my wife and daughter, then is the afternoon we went over to my sister’s (my mom also drove over there). Nice and relaxed. There were 6 of us drinking coffee, eating chicken that my mom cooked, and letting my 4 year old enjoy her gifts. The problem with having a lot of family in town is that you’re an flaming asshole if you don’t go visit every one of them on Christmas day. So you get up Christmas morning, spend a fleeting couple of hours with your spouse and kids, then it’s off to the car. Your whole Christmas afternoon is driving all over town visiting a bunch of shopped-out, stressed-out people that would be perfectly happy not to see you that day. It’s a weird game where you visit them out of obligation on Christmas and they welcome you with open arms out of obligation because you’re fucking assholes if you don’t play the game.

I came from a small town in Wyoming. There were no other relatives within 200 miles, which is the way it ought to be. That way, we weren’t expected to visit EVERYBODY on Christmas and Thanksgiving. We could stay home for the holidays and actually relax, enjoy it, and not be obligated to pile into the car and spend hours and hours touring the entire fucking metropolitan area in search of relatives that would like to relax without entertaining an endless parade of relatives bouncing through their houses. It’s supposed to be fun, not an exercise of patience and endurance. I’m all good with visiting family, but why does it have to be ALL OF THEM on THE SAME FUCKING DAY?! I’ve got a couple weeks off, am I really an asshole to want to space the visits out a little?

So go move a couple hundred miles away from family. It’s the best gift you could give them and yourself.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:02 pm

We escape to the Mountains every year on Christmas. Adrian’s sister and brother in law own a condo near Copper mountain, so we a week of radness, far away from relatives we don’t enjoy spending time with. We also drink a shitload and spend an obscene amount of time snowboarding and drinking.

Megan December 26, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Speaking of Disney Princesses, I/Santa bought my 4yr old Princess Tiana and her “gumbo” kitchen. No shit that is exactly what was written on the box. Not sure who is more racially inappropriate right now Disney or me. Isn’t that what every child wants? A Aunt Jemima in disguise as a “princess” and her GUMBO kitchen? Sadly I was duped too. Sure she’s cute and comes with cookware, but her bayou lightening bug friend is just creepy. What the fuck kind of message am I sending here? Oh well maybe I can recapture some diversity and acceptance next year when I spring for the Barbie Fashion Chinese Sweatshop playset.
Merry Christmas!
Megan recently posted..The Hangover: Christmas 2011

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

My 4 year old daughter’s top 2 gifts: 1) The $5 flashlight that I picked up at the grocery store on a lark. 2) The $7 magnifying glass in her stocking. My brother and sister’s kids are all high-school and college age, so my daughter is the only grandkid that is really little, so she gets gifts from grandparents, aunts, and uncles like you can’t believe. My wife and I kept it simple and it worked great.

You know, I think Disney has been racially inappropriate about a lot of things lately.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:06 pm

@Bill: The traditional Disney princess lineup tends to not include the “ethnic” princesses. Though Mulan isn’t technically a princess, you’ll find Jasmine, Tiana, and even Pocahontas left off the list. They’re not great about the equality.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm

@Megan: I like how Tiana comes with her previous occupation, and not the castle like all the other princesses. Hell, you can’t even buy Mulan with her damn armor.

Faultytower December 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I’m not exactly sure what happened this Christmas. All I know is that goose will never be the same and the soonest court date is Wednesday.

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I’m so intrigued it’s going to kill me with all the possibilities.

Andi December 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

You guys are hysterical. The most inappropriate thing we did this year was let my 7-year-old watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Followed by a warning that under no circumstances was he to repeat any of the language or describe the movie to anybody, ever, no matter how funny he thought it was.

Religious people really are that clueless about sex. The funniest thing my mother ever said to me was in church during the Christmas service. The pastor was talking about how worried Mary must have been that no one would believe her, and my mother leaned over to me and very seriously said, “If you came to me with a story like that, I wouldn’t believe you either.” After I finished rolling around under the pew, I told her, “THAT’S THE POINT, MOM. It was a one-off!”
Andi recently posted..Happy Happy Joy Joy

Noa December 26, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I was thinking about, blasphemously enough, how much the Christmas story sounded like something that might appear on Maury along with the headline, “I’M A VIRGIN, I SWEAR.”

And I will enjoy Hell a great deal, thank you.

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 6:17 pm

When I was in college, there was this Mormon chick who was out fucking the town. Dead serious, 2-3 different guys a week. I was good friends with her roommate, so I heard a lot and this chick admitted a lot. This chick was giving your average porno star a run for her money. She told a bunch of us, “I didn’t really love any of the those guys, so I’m a virgin.” Gimme a fucking break. The football team retired her jersey.

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Can I do the same thing with food that I don’t absolutely love but still eat?

Bill G. December 26, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Haha, no doubt. I like the Sam Kinison routine about the resurrection. “No wife would ever buy it. Jesus takes off with 12 fucking guys on Friday afternoon. He gets back Sunday night and tells his wife, ‘I was dead!'”

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I never cared for Sam Kinison, which makes me the worst comedian ever.

Robyn December 26, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Ken may have no seeable male parts to speak of..by by god that bitch has hands! Use em, Ken!

I have kids..and omg..after reading about the frog..I was ready to go spank my own kids for that kid on the airplane.

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Because you’re a good mother.

And that’s right, if you aren’t going to spread ‘em, you’re going to handy the shit out of it.

Dana the Biped December 27, 2011 at 10:05 am

The whole donkey show thing reminds me of the time my grandma asked for a vibrator for Christmas…
Dana the Biped recently posted..Oh Hey, Guess What?

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Is there a story behind this? Because I really, really need to hear it.

Bill G. December 27, 2011 at 11:04 am

I was just reading a story about a guy who went on a Christmas crime spree after drinking marshmallow vodka. While reading about his string of residential burlaries and being caught by a woman who came home and found him asleep on her couch, my brain just kept resetting to, “Holy shit, marshmallow vodka??” Sounds like a fun shot or two but it doesn’t sound like something you’d want to get drunk on (kinda like grape pucker, I saw a guy puking that and asked myself, “Jeez, would you NOT get sick off that?”).

Noa December 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Grape anything tastes like you’re a kid trying to booze it up on flavored Ny-Quil. Shit is nassssttyyyy.

Bill G. December 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm

No doubt! That stuff is a fun novelty for 1-2 shots at the bar, drinking any more than that is a guaranteed puker. I’d rather do a shot of Permafrost myself. It’s basically 100-proof mint mouthwash. I do a lot better with that than the super-sweet fruity stuff or the 100-octane cinnamon schnapps.

Amy December 28, 2011 at 6:20 pm

You are wrong in SO many ways. Love it! :D
Amy recently posted..The Troll Hunter

Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:58 pm

It helps a lot that I married someone as wrong as I am!

Charity Woosley December 29, 2011 at 1:54 pm

It’s sad how often I want to set the children of strangers aflame…
Charity Woosley recently posted..The blogosphere is fuckin’ weird, ya’ll…

Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Don’t say it out loud on a plane, though. Lesson learned.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: