How ‘Bout Go Fuck Yourself?

12/19/2011 · 87 comments

in HorribleSketch, What Is Wrong With You?

A List Of Ways To Prevent Rape, As Told By Potential Rapists and Fucking Assholes:

  • Don’t wear skimpy clothes. Really, don’t wear anything less than a hazmat suit
  • Don’t flirt
  • Don’t even go near anyone because really if you are standing close to someone, are they NOT supposed to force themselves on you?
  • Don’t shy away from anyone
  • Don’t speak with anyone you know because most rapes are committed by someone you know
  • Don’t speak with strangers either
  • Don’t call or not call for help
  • Don’t drive a vehicle
  • Don’t be sexually active at any point before you’re ready to produce a child in a one-shot conception Hail Mary, because you potentially could become confused and call all sexual encounters rape, you silly bitch
  • Don’t look anyone in the eyes
  • Don’t blink your eyes
  • Don’t have eyes
  • Don’t be tempting or modest
  • Don’t sneeze
  • Don’t wear makeup
  • Don’t drink or not drink or go to any parties or a bar or even your own living room while watching E! and feeling sad about humanity
  • Don’t smile
  • Don’t break dance
  • Don’t possess boobs or possess mastectomy scars, giving the impression you once had boobs
  • Don’t wear or not wear shoes
  • Don’t go anywhere alone. Even to the mailbox or your coat closet
  • Don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos
  • Don’t turn around or turn back time or turn your back or turn a blind eye
  • Don’t speak with anyone for any reason
  • Don’t have sexual organs
  • Don’t breathe or encourage your heart to pump blood through your body because the action is suggestive
  • Carry pepper spray
  • Carry knives
  • Carry keys
  • Carry a small but highly trained fighter in your tote bag
  • Don’t ask for it, because then you’re just fucking asking for it

Guess what, motherfuckers? Preventing rape is a hell of a lot easier than you’re making it out to be.

Know what you have to do?


I’m shutting down further comments on this post. I think reasonable discourse has gone about as far as it can go. If you have a comment about this post, please feel free to email me by clicking here. December 19, 2011 at 1:05 am

Don’t break dance!?!? Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s not get carried away here… recently posted..Definitely Scratch The Hippo

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm

It seems extreme, I know.

Myth December 19, 2011 at 1:12 am

You are amazing, and so is this post. People need to spend more time talking about rape. People love to tiptoe around it, as if it’s not an issue, just ignore it and hope it will go away. Fuck that shit. Noa knows what needs to be said, and she’s willing to fucking SAY IT. Noa will set you straight on what “invites” rape: NOTHING, because nobody is asking to be raped no matter what they wear or how they act. Noa will make sure you’re crystal fucking clear on exactly who’s to blame for a rape, because it isn’t the victim no matter what a slutty broad she might have been. And Noa will teach you how to prevent rape—by NOT RAPING PEOPLE. Genius!

I salute you, Noa Dangerballs Gavin.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I salute you, Myth, because you’re rad as shit.

Alicia December 19, 2011 at 1:22 am

P.S. if you guys listen with headphones the audio is a million times better. Also Terry, if you’re reading this thank you for the idea for Clifton and Nick’s confessions….and thank you Clifton and Nick for your improvising and acting skills. Thank you Noa for the idea. Thank you bread and butter. Thank you to the phrase thank you.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:22 pm

OH YES! Thank you Clifton, Nick, and Terry. We really appreciate all the help! And to you for the brilliant editing.

Jen December 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Nick. Is. HAWT!
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

I’ll let him know.

Front Desk Ninja December 19, 2011 at 2:03 am

So, I’m just going to go out there and say it.
This video, watched by the fireplace in the lobby, full blast?
Having to pause it twice because the whores were coming back? Less amazing, but still hilarious because one of the less whorey ones sat and watched it with me.

You always know how to set things right, Noa.
I also like Alicia’s firm scolding she gave Bad Guy1.
slow clap, ladies. slow.clap.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..I Am Not Your Friend, You Dirty Trollop!

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:23 pm


Thank you so much.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 2:51 am

Have a firearm and be willing to actually use it. Dead people have a significant difficulty raping people. Hopefully this was one of your lesser satires and may have been chemically induced, as it definitely isn’t a problem solver related to the issue of rape. Managed to be useless advice and unfunny at the same time. Sorry. I call them as I see them.

You don’t want to be raped you have two choices:
A: Be willing to defend yourself, with deadly force if need be.
B: Kill yourself. Won’t guarantee against being raped, but at least you won’t be aware of the raping of your dead body.

How bout I just metaphorically and critically raped your rape video, as it sucks?

Usually you are funny, which is why I wander by. Sometimes you are insightful. To manage to combine neither in a film must have been hard to do. I’ll give you credit for that.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Alright, here’s the thing. You’re right–in our society right now, today, hurting a rapist before he can hurt you is the most effective form of rape prevention.

The sad and unfunny part of this video is the reality that what we’re demonstrating is seen as such a far-off solution to rape. This is essentially the same as asking someone to not rob you, or to stop shooting in war. The disturbing part is that was we’re asking is seen as too much. Too much to ask a person not to force themselves on me, necessitating a violent response. It fills my heart with glee, I’ll tell you that.

That being said, I want to sincerely thank you for working hard to well-craft such a spectacular series of insults. Usually I just hear, “You suck.” Hats off.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I did stand-up in the past, too. You want a brutal assault on a potential comic bit, ask a comedian. You’re welcome. I aim to please. Wasn’t really that much work.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Satire, yo. Satire. You don’t think it’s funny, others do. Let it be.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I’m satirizing a weak satire and the people that defended it. It’s not personal except to the people that don’t think you might have a forum related to your posts for both accolades and criticism. If you wanted people to only like everything you do, you’d moderate your comments in that way. I find it amusing that some of your readers want to do exactly that for you.

No harm intended. I’ve written millions of weak bits, both musically and in essays and stand up. The people that make it hardest for a person to develop as a writer are the people that insist on liking everything you do. Those people do you know favors. You get a dozen people all patting you on the back and defending you to an occasional dissenter and then you get on stage and it sucks in front of a whole lot of people. As above, no harm, and teasing people that are overly protective of other’s web content is amusing to me. It’s like watching Clerks II where Randall and Eli are arguing about Whether or not the Transformers could beat Ranger Danger’s ass…

Myth December 19, 2011 at 10:34 pm

For what it’s worth—and I hope it’s worth a lot to you—this is yet another reason you are amazing. Criticism fucking HURTS, no matter how nicely or cruelly it’s worded; when I get criticized, I feel like a dog getting swatted with a newspaper (“Bad Myth! BAD!”) and my usual response is to whimper and slink off to hide beneath the sofa with my tail between my legs. You didn’t do that; you thanked NCT for his/her feedback, making it clear that, while you DO hate being criticized as much as anyone, you value it. THAT is proof of what an awesome person you are. Accepting criticism is difficult, and it takes a very special kind of maturity to accept it with dignity (yes, dignity—you sounded pretty badass in your response). You also have to really and truly value that criticism to be willing to swallow it; people who have no interest in improving themselves, in recognizing their mistakes, will only lash out in response to criticism. Get defensive or hostile, because the other person is “wrong” or “an asshole” instead of a human being with opinions that may be worth taking into account.

Maybe it’s only a small consolation. But I’m guessing NCT’s comment made you feel like shit, and I just don’t want to let that stand.

In case NCT is reading this, I’ll also reply to him/her. First of all, I’m not going to attack you in any way, and I’m sorry that others have being doing so. I don’t like the tone you took in criticizing Noa, as it seemed unnecessarily mean—specially designed to cut right through her flesh to all those little insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I don’t like to feel bad or to make others feel bad, so I tend to think all criticism should be done with kind words and constructive advice. HOWEVER, I am not in charge of what you do or say, and it is not my place to tell you what to do or say, and it never WILL be my place. You have every right to say what you want to say in whatever way you damn well feel like. I hope you’ll consider being less insulting towards the target of your criticism in the future, especially because any valuable insight your comment may provide can get really bogged down in those insults, making it hard for the “criticize-ee” to take something good from what you’ve said. But no one has any right to turn around and insult you for insulting Noa. (Pot, kettle. Black.) Defensiveness is just a natural response, and I hope the hostility being directed at you won’t drive you away.

TL;DR: Noa is rad as shit for accepting the criticism with grace. NCT should not be attacked for offering criticism, regardless of how mean s/he may or may not have been while offering it.

Really, people. I can play nice, and I’m younger than the whole lot of you. You can do it, too.

Jen December 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm

As usual, your words ring true, Myth. I would like to apologize for jumping into the fray and stooping to insults. I get very defensive when people like Noa get attacked because she reminds me so much of myself at 24 that I understand how much that criticism hurts. And when you go after Misty? Well, then I admit to going a little postal because Misty is my homegirl / Sister Wife; but that is no excuse for my infantile retort. Thanks for reminding us that the view is better from the high road, Myth. ((fist bump)). I apologize, NCT.
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

Myth December 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

*fist bump*

I also salute you, Jen, because it really means a lot to me that you’d actually respond and be like, “Yeah, I was sort of being an asshole. My bad.” Maybe it’s just my sunshine-puppies-and-rainbows idealism, but when people do things like that, that really show what a good person they are, it fills my soul with joy. Score one for humanity. We’re awesome.

Jen December 20, 2011 at 12:38 am

Meh, I’m the first to admit when I’m being a dick. And puppies and rainbows rock my world. :)
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 11:22 pm

I was pushed into entertainment/performance at age 4. The worst thing people did for me was say they liked things they didn’t, so as not to hurt my weedle feelings, as the real world tends to be brutal. So maybe I’m abrasive when I see something that I don’t like. Insult isn’t intended, I wanted to emphasize how unrealistic it is for people to suddenly all become non-rapist cool people because it’s “just so easy to not rape people”. It’s a really brutal world and always will be. So I didn’t see it as much of a satire. I saw it as a list of things that are used as excuses by people that use rape as a means of exercising power. It has nothing to do with anything on that list. It would have been a satire if the video made fun of people who actually believe such things. Rape is about violence and power, it isn’t about short skirts. Humans are violent and contentious animals. And Noa was quite gracious in responding to what I said. The fact that so many people got so catty about what I felt was a valid couple of comments makes me respect her more and the people that got catty rather a bit less.

Thoughtful critics and editing make for better writing. Even if you don’t agree with the editors and critics, as it makes you think about how maybe you could appeal to the topic better. As far as on the internet, I’m nobody, I don’t write web pages anymore as it doesn’t interest me. Feel free to think about me as nobody, but I’m glad Noa took what I said in the spirit it was intended regarding the imperfections of humanity. I only took offense at the people that acted like this was some sort of girl’s locker room and decided they were going to think for Noa. Her past writing has well proven she can think quite well for herself.

I think David Thorne and Dave Barry, among many others, are both quite funny, but sometimes they swing and miss (in my opinion) t00.

Criticism is only a “team sport” for the weak minded. The people that can write and think can well take care of themselves.

Sadie Sez December 19, 2011 at 5:02 am

This…was…fucking….awesome…”If you can’t stop thinking about raping someone, cut your dick off.” Would love to see this in a nationwide billboard campaign.

How ’bout if NCT can’t figure out where you’re coming from, don’t stop by anymore.

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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I too would like to see a “Cut your dick off,” campaign.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Because she actually agreed I had a well valid point, and she often IS funny? I got what she was saying. I also pointed out it doesn’t work and won’t work. This is Earth, not fantasy land.

You want a hive mind, go read reddit or fark. I saw where she was coming from and pointed out it’s not a workable solution. If you can’t see that, I suggest checking into if your community college offers intro to logic courses, not lobbing non-insults at me.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

A “workable solution” involves everyone not being assholes. Clearly, that’s too much to ask, ne?

Chill out, NCT.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm

It is too much to ask, judging by all of recorded history.

Mayor Gia December 19, 2011 at 6:40 am

I don’t need to smile or have breasts or talk to anyone I know or anyone I don’t know, but DAMNIT I will NOT stop playing hunrgy hungry hippos. You can’t take that away from me.

Love the vid. “If you’re thinking of raping someone, cut your fucking dick off.” Good advice.
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Ally December 19, 2011 at 9:16 am

This was my exact thought. Hungry Hungry Hippos is the bomb.
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Next thing you know, you’ll be playing connect four and get robbed.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I’m sorry. I know it’s extreme to ask you not to play that, but rape can happen anywhere, at any time, and the game is too resemblant of sex. I’M JUST TRYING TO KEEP YOU SAFE.

Misty December 19, 2011 at 8:44 am

“Don’t fucking rape anyone.” But, what if I can’t stop thinking about raping someone? Can’t I just go out and rape someone?

Also, bad guy 1 sounds exactly like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Just saying.

Thanks for the list. I will print it out and tape it to my mirror in the bathroom. That way I will be prepared every single day to NOT get raped or rape anyone.

Can your next post be about starting a cause for those with no sense of humor, wit or irony? I think NCT would benefit greatly from that action. He/she could be the poster person for the cause. “Only YOU can help stop assholes from not getting the humor of humor blogs!”
Misty recently posted..Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd December 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

But Misty, if you print the list out and look at it, that suggest you have eyes, which is clearly on the list of things not to have. Shit…I just gave myself away, too.
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Misty December 19, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Well, I never said I would LOOK AT IT now did I? What if the list is printed in Braille and I FEEL the words every morning, hmmm? That list don’t sayI can’t have HANDS, now did it? Ha, I win! :)
Misty recently posted..Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie

Jen December 19, 2011 at 12:16 pm

A-frigin-men, Misty! I’ve been the victim of rape and I laughed my ass off so hard at this video that I chortled decaf (yes, fucking decaf…goddamn doctor) all over my monitor. Life is all about laughing at the negative shit, because when we can find humor in something, we take away its destructive power. I ‘heart’ you so much right now, Noa.
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CJ December 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I hardly ever comment (on anything), and at the risk of starting a fire fight, I would add that I also thought that this post was somewhat off Noa’s top form. I have no clue who NCT is, but he/she clearly finds Noa funny often enough to “wander by”, but just didn’t find this particular post funny – fair enough.

I often find with Noa’s work that the written is much funnier than the visual – I’m not sure why – for some reason, for me, her humour doesn’t translate well into visual form. This post was case in point – the list was amusing, but I just didn’t “get” the video.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs if different people finding different things funny at different times is cause for insulting them and assuming that they have “no sense of humor, wit or irony”.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:36 pm

@CJ: I’m not always funny (it’s fucking difficult), and that’s particularly true about topics like this. I appreciate at least that you find my written humor entertaining. Videos like these can be hit or miss–it’s very heavy satire. Sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t.

I would like, however, to calm everyone down a bit. As much as I may not enjoy negative opinions of me, everyone is absolutely entitled to them.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 11:05 pm

You’re on the bookmarks toolbar next to the weather of what I check most days when I’m not working on being productive. That’s a fact.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Note below, not to belabor the point, but well, actually it is belaboring the point and amusing me:

starle December 19, 2011 at 6:48 pm

you are awesome. As always. ***Not funny at all***, but I will be sharing this!


Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I appreciate it.

I’m pretty sure my sense of humor is intact, which is why I’m taking the time to make fun of you Misty. You can thank me later. Overly earnest people bandying about non-insults they think are insulting are amusing, so you have added humor to this post.

I wish to thank you for that, Misty. Noa can agree it wasn’t funny at all and it’s ***her web page***, whereas I’m some sort of asshole to you for pointing out the obvious. You deserve a scooby snack, for sure.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Alright, alright. Calm the hell down, NCT. I get it, you didn’t like it.

Misty December 20, 2011 at 8:39 am

I wasn’t gonna dive into this shitstorm that I apparently started, but I figured I should at least make a few things clear:

1. I admit that I should not have called NCT an asshole. That was over the line and I apologize for that.

2. I am not sorry I responded on Noa’s behalf, nor stated that NCT had no sense of humor, irony or wit. I am fully aware of Noa’s ability to defend herself and she did so with extreme grace AND satire (which of course NCT did not recognize, thus proving my previous point), but I am fiercely loyal to friends who anyone is unfairly hostile to, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. The tone of your comment, NCT, was not “helpful critique” as you seem to imagine it, but mean and petty. You did actual tell Noa that her video sucked, it was unfunny and uninsightful. How is that helpful? If you did not enjoy the post, how about next time just don’t comment. There are plenty of posts by many people I do not enjoy, but I try not to shit all over their hard work in the comments. Just a thought, but maybe try that next time.

3. While I agree that you have every right to your opinion, I do as well. Calling me stupid and juvenile is not ok, either. I did think the tone of your comment was a bit nasty and that you did not have a sense of humor. You can feel free to write another 8,000 words responding to this by trying to prove how funny, successful and popular you are in the world of music and comedy if you feel that is necessary. But I think you have already done that sufficiently. Obviously my comment hit a bit close to home.

4. To all those who defended me, thank you. I am sorry I started this, but hopefully we can end it now. This post was supposed to be about a very serious problem which Noa was trying to bring light to in a humorous way. I thought she did it with aplomb. Others did not, apparently. So be it. But I think we should now try to focus on the message, and not the petty squabbling that ensued. I am sorry that my words caused such an uproar and I apologize to NOA for that.
Misty recently posted..Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie

NCT December 20, 2011 at 7:18 pm

So your apology related to starting a dogpile was actually a non-apology and you think I am an asshole. Thanks for clearing that up. You didn’t need to write a couple more hundred words that both directly insulted me and insinuated other insults if you actually meant YOUR WORDS of:

“I did think the tone of your comment was a bit nasty and that you did not have a sense of humor. You can feel free to write another 8,000 words responding to this by trying to prove how funny, successful and popular you are in the world of music and comedy if you feel that is necessary. But I think you have already done that sufficiently.”

Pot, kettle, blacker than my soul. BTW, I didn’t write 8,0000 words, you came closer to that. Issue a vague semi-apology and then come back turning it back into insults to see if you can troll a response from me. You are a gentle white knight and the whole world will love you for it, OR alternately, LAUGH AT YOU and your false apologies.

Hope you don’t have an editor at your job or you’re gonna have issues.

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:14 pm

@Misty: Thank you for your apology and your defense. I do sincerely appreciate your defense of me, and I’m sorry that what was supposed to be a somewhat poignant post has turned into…well..this.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:31 pm

@Misty: Bad Guy 1 (Nick) appreciates the comparison. And stop playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

@Carrie: Well, now you’re fucked.

@Jen: You really shouldn’t have hands either.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Humor has to be funny. See above. Shouldn’t you be watching Larry the Cable Guy or something more your speed?

Noa December 19, 2011 at 8:17 pm

You know as well as I do that humor is subjective. You know that better than anyone. Seriously, NCT. We get it.

Jen December 19, 2011 at 8:18 pm

And shouldn’t you be masturbating to a rerun of “Friends”? I hear that Chandler is a real hoot.
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

Alicia December 19, 2011 at 8:47 pm

If you want to show us how to be funny you’re more than welcome to show me your funny videos and blog.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I had input in this:

Does that have anything to do with whether my point was valid?


Happy Alicia?

When I checked my email this evening I found: “I got real high the other night and thought up a new song. I’ll hit you with it later on, see if it rates the stamp of approval. Pretty sure it’s gonna be a good laugh. All right, be cool, my friend.”

What comedy/comedic music editing were you asked to do this evening?

Oh, right. None, I’d assume. You want work from me, then you can reach me at haraam.infidel at gmail and, depending on the context as to if it’s creating content or engineering/recording/production/studio musician stuff, the price varies.

You play nice, I play nice, you act like a 12 year old girl and I’ll treat you like one.

Alicia December 20, 2011 at 12:04 am

Well I am a musician and I have been asked to write music for a comedy troupe. I’m sorry if you’re upset, but thank you for sharing.

NCT December 20, 2011 at 1:49 am

I’m not upset, I’m not into the 12 year old girl bitch fight trip.

Lindsey December 19, 2011 at 9:15 am

Really, really powerful post. More people need to read this, so I’m sharing!
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Thank you very much!

Jaime December 19, 2011 at 10:32 am

holy balls…. what an awesome video… I think the whole world needs to see this!
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Thank you, Jaime!

Jen (Scarlet Wonderland) December 19, 2011 at 10:34 am

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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Thank you so much Jen.

Andi December 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

The problem with expecting victims to prevent crime is that it assumes you can tell the difference between criminals and regular people.

I’ve been around scary people. I’ve been in some nasty places. Been in a room where everyone else was armed to the teeth. The most dangerous man I’ve ever known had a great personality and worked with kids, in a job where he had to pass a criminal background check.

YOU CAN’T TELL. Rapists, murderers and thieves look just like everybody else. They are all around you. They are your neighbor, your kid’s teacher, your pastor or Scout leader, and your friends. The only way to prevent yourself from being a victim of crime is to be agoraphobic — and even then, you have to worry about home delivery.

The list of “how to prevent rape” is just another example of magical thinking: if I do everything right, nothing bad will happen to me! Magical thinking is increasingly prevalent in America and unfortunately, it isn’t true. You can be a perfect person and bad things may still happen to you. The majority of rapes happen to people under 20, and the rate of rape in the general disabled population is between 50 and 70 percent. If someone thinks those “at-risk” populations deserved it because they didn’t follow the rules, then I know to avoid that person because they are lacking in common human decency.
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Rape is usually committed by someone you know–a friend of a friend, or a date, even. They look ordinary–there’s no dark coats and scary music. It’s just normal people doing terrible things. No one deserves crime in any way, and no one is “asking” to be raped. Blaming the victim only bolsters the criminals.

Jen December 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Can I show my implant scars, to show that I BOUGHT boobs? No? Just checking. . .
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Still an invite.

Dana the Biped December 19, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Fantastic post.

Also, can I just say there are millions of videos out there on the webz that are neither insightful nor funny? No really. All kinds of them.

This doesn’t fit that category. (The ones where people are pwned by those giant excercise balls also don’t fit that category. Those are fucking hilarious and have taught me that I should throw one at any potential rapists.)
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Thanks, Dana. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I don’t have to like it. That being said, I’ve been watching cat videos all day, so my views are a little skewed.

Dana the Biped December 20, 2011 at 9:52 am

Wait! I meant that I love it! The post *isn’t* “neither insightful nor funny.” Double negative! Aw, crap. Sorry. :(
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Squeeze is Getting a Bipedian Dictionary for Christmas

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I understand! No worries.

Monica December 19, 2011 at 1:34 pm

There are things people can do to lessen the odds of any violent assault, such as not putting themselves in dangerous situations by being drunk or high around people they don’t know well, not walking alone late at night in rough areas, etc. But even people who do these things don’t deserve to be assaulted, and the blame should always be placed at the feet of the criminal, not the victim. If I heard of a woman who walked drunk and naked through Bed-Sty at 3 am and was raped, I’d still blame the asswipe who did it.

Also, I love the bit where the two guys are high-fiving. Awesome.
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Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

There are ways to keep yourself safer, yes. It’s so sad that even people who are being that safe can still be a victim.

Ashley Z December 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Such a great video. I was thinking recently as I was walking the two blocks (in the dark, cause its dark after 4:30 pm here) to my house wearing work-out shorts, a peacoat, and a bag of ice strapped to my knee (physical therapy). I’m walking down the street thinking now if this isn’t a commercial for what NOT to do to avoid being rape victim I don’t know what is. Thank god I made it back to my house safe and un-raped.

“And if you’re thinking about raping someone, cut your fucking dick off.” Great. Just pure gold. I fucking love you Noa. Keep it comin. (that’s what she said.)

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I’m glad you weren’t raped. Good thing you weren’t playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

nadine December 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Last night at the gas station, the gas attendant was strangely flirting with me. I was kind of worried for a minute because he looked kind of rapey. Now I know next time I am in danger, yelling DON’T RAPE ME can surely save the day!
nadine recently posted..I’m Nadine and I Support This Message.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:45 pm


I also hate that rape is a common enough crime that we even suspect potentially innocent and yet socially awkward people of being criminals. Same thing happens for molestation. How ’bout we just don’t rape anyone?

nadine December 19, 2011 at 7:41 pm

it’s common enough, and enough women have been victims of some form of sex abuse or another that pretty much anyone becomes a suspect after that.

just don’t rape. go home and jerk it. rape your own lonely paw.
nadine recently posted..I’m Nadine and I Support This Message.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm

HAH! Yes.

starle December 19, 2011 at 6:48 pm

you are awesome. As always. Not funny at all, but I will be sharing this!

Noa December 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I appreciate it.

Melanie December 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

As one of the many, many, many, many women who has been a victim of sexual assault, I can firmly say that I love this post and the sentiment behind it. As one of the many, many, many, many people who were sexually assaulted as a child (3 years old), I can confidently say that anyone who thinks rape or molestation is ever excusable or in some way brought on by the victim are complete and utter wastes of oxygen. Until you’ve walked down your own neighborhood street at 8:00pm on your way home from your final class of the night and felt the need to hold your keys between your fingers so they stick out Wolverine-style just so some worthless piece of shit doesn’t decide you look unprepared enough to grab and drag into an alley and violate because you happen to have tits under that puffy coat and a pussy under those loose jeans, you can just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. I don’t care if the victim is a three-year-old girl with no idea of why this is happening to her or a Girl Gone Wild drunkenly hauling her shirt up over her head or someone who thought they knew what they wanted and then changed their mind… DON’T. FUCKING. RAPE. THEM.

Thanks for this, Noa. I’m so sick of hearing how to prevent yourself being raped/assaulted. Maybe I’d like to live my life without having to worry about being a victim again and just wish that these fuckwads can at least own their part in it. I know that will never happen, but maybe things like this post can push people into thinking in the right direction rather than pointing fingers at the ones who are not to blame.

NCT December 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm

More Importantly:

“I Get A Kick Out Of You”

Sinatra classic?

Roadmap for sexual/spousal abuse?

Enquiring minds want to know!

NCT December 20, 2011 at 12:02 am

Oddly on topic, for Alecia, from a friend I used to gig around Austin with some, but in Essay form and it’s about child rape and football, but funny, or not, depending on your sense of satire :-)

Noa is still staying on the toolbar of stuff I like to read, whether ya like it or not.

Alicia December 20, 2011 at 12:14 am

I can respect your sense of humor. Everybody’s got their own taste in music, film, and comedy. Thanks for sharing.

NCT December 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

Thanks for backing off on being a bitch. I thought “Funny Bitch Friday: was supposed to be somewhat in jest with a bit or mirth as to title, it wasn’t supposed to be “Presumptive unfunny bitter and rude bitch friday”. Glad we got that sorted out. Apology more or less semi-accepted. Feel free to post when your funny bit is available in DVD, CD, or book form.

Remember, if everybody agreed here, or on any other web forum or commenting section, it’d probably be some of the most boring shit in the world to read. But disagreement doesn’t have to lead to people being personally insulting. Who knows? It’s a funny world and if your musical comedy bit ends up playing around Texas or near states, you might not even know I was involved in your production.

Funny True Story. Shelby Lynne is a c u n t in every sense of the word. She snuck out on paying for an engineering job I did for her for her first SXSW appearance. No web nicks. She knew who I was and I knew who she was and guess who was running a lot of sound for the Willie Picnic at Southpark Meadows that next year who got to say “You owe me 500 bucks or else you don’t go on stage or get any sort of shot at a performance here and can take your happy ass back to LA.” One of the finer memories of my life was watching her manager (Brad Pickle, yes it’s his real name) peeling crisp hundreds out of his wallet. She made him cough up, and didn’t avt one bit a c u n t about it, because I wasn’t kidding.

I’m a good sport. I like Noa’s writing most of the time. Sometimes I don’t and if she wants to moderate away criticism, it’s HER job, not yours. I’d lose respect for her if she did, but it’s her call, not yours.

Good luck with your musical bit. Remember, the people you step on on your dreams to rising to the top are the ones that will remember it if you don’t and/or during your later fall from the top.

Y’all keep it campfire friendly and allow people dissenting views and I’ll do the same.

Alicia December 20, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I work with Noa. We work together on these videos and we work together on sketches, improv, and anything comedy related. So when you give us feedback on videos I’m also apart of it. Like I said thank you for sharing your point of view. We’ll work on expanding our humor, and we’ll work to make a video you like. You might not like them, but we’ll try our best.

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

We’ll keep doing what we think is funny.

Rachel December 20, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Wow. So many polarizing topics floating around these days.

First off, Noa, I’ve been reading you for a long time and love your work. You’re hilarious and cheeky and I truly identified with one of your *fairly* recent posts regarding the “should I have kids” issue. I thought it was such a well-written post on a topic I closely identify with – something I haven’t heard very many other people voice, and to see so many of your reader’s voice the same feelings was comforting.

Up until now, I’ve never commented, but the back and forth going on here with NCT and others has prompted me to share my small contribution. Right before reading this post the other day, I happened to stumble upon the following article at wherein the author writes, “telling the world that ‘drinking to the point of blacking out’ makes women more vulnerable to rapists is still exactly as brave as Rick Perry coming out as a Christian homophobe.” I encourage all to read it as it’s a wonderful piece regarding the implications of arming women with “tips for avoiding being raped.” While sound bites about avoiding getting blackout drunk might seem like a nice gesture, they’re oh, so dangerous, in that they point all fingers back to the victim. Noa, I think your post was fabulous, in that your list outright mocked this act, then served up a video that (while comedic) shifted the audience to those who are actually responsible and able to lower rape statistics – the perpetrators. Maybe I just happened to be in a more receptive mood when I came across your post, moreso than NCT was, but I applaud you.

However – to address NCT’s point (mainly that critique helps individuals improve and hone their craft), I typically reserve critique for something after someone’s asked me for my opinion, or when I have a previous relationship with someone wherein I know they won’t mistake my intentions or sincerity. Just sayin’.

Misty December 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Beautifully written, Rachel. Bravo.
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NCT December 20, 2011 at 8:14 pm

“to address NCT’s point (mainly that critique helps individuals improve and hone their craft), I typically reserve critique for something after someone’s asked me for my opinion, or when I have a previous relationship with someone wherein I know they won’t mistake my intentions or sincerity. Just sayin’.”

In the past, Noa has been rather amused by the Non Crisped Texan’s comments and links. I realize it is the internet and we aren’t neighbors going to the potluck supper every other sunday. She withstands critique rather well and I didn’t realize what a bunch of ass-sucks some of her regular readers are. “They thought she wasn’t funny! She is always funny! We must kill them.” so I tossed one offhand short post about how her solution A: wasn’t workable and B: wasn’t funny or particularly satirical. Then the people that are more numpty than funny that frequent the joint unloaded on with both barrels in their minds but it made them fodder to tease more. Like David Thorne said “The Internet Is A Playground.” Wanna know something NEAT, he made a post that wasn’t very amusing and people said so and he agreed with them, took it down, and did not put it in his book that I actually own a copy of. FWIW, the graphic quality of his images is better on 27b/6 then in the actual book but the added content makes up for the lesser than web standard graphics.

I’ve gotten piles of unsolicited criticism in my life and it was a whole lot more useful than the solicited semi-criticism. and to use one of my least favorite phrases on the planet, probably second place after “it’s all good”, just sayin’.

Noa seems a big girl. Lots of her commenter folk seem less so. “Just sayin'”

Amazing how pointing out that something that was supposed to be satirical and mostly FAILED brought out the true colors of everybody but the Author and her video cohort. Just sayin’

I know, you shouldn’t kick a dog when it’s down, but when they are such pseudo-erudite bitches, hell, it almost makes me want to hire people to rape them and put it on youtube. THAT would be funny.

I like most of your stuff Noa, but some of these people that follow/white knight for you are wacky. Which adds entertainment on some levels. When people make false assumptions and use throwaway insults, it actually might incline a person to see just how much stupid will drool out of their fingers onto the internet. I think you nupties know who you are.

Look, once again LESS THAN 8,000 words and I did it whilst drinking beer and talking to somebody on the phone.

Keep being funny and I’ll keep liking the funny bits. If you were so insecure as to think MY criticism was mean spirited, I don’t think you’ve been doing amateur stand-up or open mics. Keep after it, especially the funny stuff.

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:16 pm

@Rachel: I really appreciate that. More than you can possibly know. I hope you keep commenting.

Jen December 20, 2011 at 8:36 pm

So. . .how ’bout that crazy weather they’re having in Kansas! Anyone care to chat about the upcoming elections?
Jen recently posted..Psst! Chelsea Handler? I Have Your Liver.

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I hear it’s fucking crazy.

Noa December 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

If you’re all the way down here, you’re probably looking to add a comment. I’m shutting down further comments on this post. I think reasonable discourse has gone about as far as it can go. If you have a comment about this post, please feel free to email me.

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