Funny Bitch Friday: Lettuce Be Clear

12/02/2011 · 28 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

My life is not that funny. It’s sad, but it’s very true. I’m a pretty boring gal, which is why I don’t write about my life a whole hell of a lot.

And then we have Lettuce Be Clear, whose life is bafflingly hilarious. I’ll be walking around all week calling people Crotch Poodles.

Crotch Poodle

Taking My Licks

Chunky Pug Breaks The Rules

Rats! I Needed Help With The Ants

Mr. Sunshine Gives A Lesson in Positivity

Hello Nipple Kitty

Restroom Roulette

Keep bringing (and nominating!) the funny y’all–I love every minute of it.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Gena: “Comedy Central to showcase good comedians (Hey, CC, no one wants to watch that new Carlos Mencia special you have coming out!)” When I noticed that his show is called “New Territory,” I said to my boyfriend “So he…going to try being funny?”


Bekky December 2, 2011 at 10:49 am

I’m so excited you posted this!! She’s hilarious! I would feel worse for her if I wasn’t busy laughing so hard!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I fucking love her.

Bekky December 6, 2011 at 10:31 am

I had a sneaking suspicion you would.

I also just learned that I don’t know how to spell suspicion (Google held my hand and walked me through it). Fuck.
Bekky recently posted..I will have a real post later. Until then, enjoy:

Mayor Gia December 2, 2011 at 11:26 am

I’m at work so I’m slightly worried about clicking on some of the posts til I get home later (mainly nipples and crotches), but I read the pug one and its freaking hilarious.

” Desperate to chase after an old man who looked like Ghandi, Chunky Pug nearly hung herself on her retractable leash and spent 2/3 of the walk gasping and wheezing.”


Mayor Gia December 3, 2011 at 10:26 am

Ohh. SO glad I came back and checked out the Hello Kitty nipples one.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Printers and Allie. In that order.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Each and every post is like falling into a sparkly twilight zone. I love it.

Jen December 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I must meet her. I want to spend long evenings together playing Scattergories and French braiding each other’s hair. Reading Lettuce’s blog is like being called home by the Motehr Ship!
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday: Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood

Jennpav December 3, 2011 at 3:08 am

Did you say Scattegories? I’m so in.
Jennpav recently posted..Funny Bitch

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I first read this as “I just met her,” and then I thought, “You lucky bitch.” Now I feel a little better.

Stephanie December 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Stephanie recently posted..Fun With Facebook (How Even Santa Can’t Save RIM)

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:22 pm


lisa from insignificant at best December 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Another kick ass recommendation! Love it!
lisa from insignificant at best recently posted..Getting to Know You Friday Blog Hop!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:22 pm


Dana the Biped December 2, 2011 at 3:39 pm

My boyfriend called. He misses me. But I’m too busy working my way through the funny bitches to get back to him. Maybe if he were a funnier bitch…
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hops in the Right Direction: London Bridge Isn’t Falling Down, But Your Dog Sure Is

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:23 pm

For the sake of your relationship, keep reading? Wait…fuck.

Kelly December 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I. Want. That. Dog.

We have a lot in common, as I too, could probably pack away six pieces of pizza. Mmm… pizza.
Kelly recently posted..I am going to disinfect everything that will sit still in my house.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I have a sudden desire to call you Chunky Kelly now, but I think that’s wrong.

Kelly December 5, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Eh, it’s kind of true. Shoe fits and all that.
Kelly recently posted..I was my biggest pet peeve today.

Andi December 2, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I couldn’t stop laughing at Mr. Sunshine, and Hello Kitty.

What floors me is that apparently, the demographics for Hello Kitty include BOTH people who want cartoon stationary and stuffed animals, and people who want vibrators and handguns. There needs to be a Venn diagram of how these two groups overlap.
Andi recently posted..Hi, My Name is Andi and I’ll be Your Object Lesson for this Evening

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Is it not immediately understood that those two demographics are the SAME?

Tonya the Hobo Girl December 2, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Ha Ha. Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll spend some time checking out that one for sure. By the way, in France, crotch poodles are the restroom attendants in four store restaurant toilettes.
Tonya the Hobo Girl recently posted..Monkeys Make Everything Better

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I’ll be importing Crotch Poodles for my next party.

Jennpav December 3, 2011 at 3:01 am

I wanted to thank everyone for stopping by and reading my blog, Lettuce Be Clear at
It was completely awesome to be featured on Funny Bitches so I had to write about it!
Thanks everyone!
Jennpav recently posted..Funny Bitch

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Jenny, you just keep being fucking awesome, and we’ll keep reading. Good on ya.

Chrissy December 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Okay I had never heard of Lettuce Be Clear but man, oh man did you pick a good one! I loved her thank you post!! Anyone willing to pick a wedge for the globe to admire (and other, not so pleasant doings) is A#1 in my book!
Chrissy recently posted..Reserve Not Met

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm


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