Today, at dinner.

Adrian: “So, what are the rules for the DisneyWorld trip this week?”
Me: “Rules?”
Adrian: “Well, you’re not the easiest to travel with, Noa.”
Me: “EXCUSE ME?”
Adrian: “You’re proving my point right there.”
Me: “I don’t have rules for you on vacations. You’re a grown-ass man.”
Adrian: “You fucking liar. You have rules for me all the time. The only difference is now I’m trying to be preemptive to avoid the inevitable ass-chewing for not following a previously unstated rule.”
Me: “I didn’t have any in mind, but now that you’re being a huge dick about it, I’m going to come up with some awesome rules.”
Adrian: “Such as?”
Me: “Every time you see Goofy, you must cartwheel into someone.”
Adrian: “I don’t know how to cartwheel.”
Me: “Which will only make it better. Every time you see any Mickey shaped object, even vaguely so, you have to shout I LOVE THE FEEL OF FUR ON MY TAINT.”
Adrian: “No.”
Me: “You brought this on yourself. Every time you see Mary Poppins, that bitch gets a punch to her box.”
Adrian: “Only if I can shout HERE’S YOUR SPOONFUL OF SUGAR.”
Me: “I love you.”

Rules For DisneyWorld

  • Every time our nieces take a picture with a Princess, you have to, very obviously, fart on said Princess.
  • Must picket It’s A Small World for child labor violations. Bongos=Bonus Points.
  • Upon entering each park, we must fervently convince a nearby parkgoer that this is, in fact, a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
  • We must spin fast enough on the teacups that we unbolt one of them while creating a centrifugal time warp, recreating my fondest childhood memory with my stepfather (provided they don’t remember me and I am allowed back on the teacups)
  • Adrian must be mistaken for Steven Tyler on the Aerosmith Rockin’ RollerCoaster. I will provide a mouth stretcher along with copious scarves and meth. I will provide no explanation for having a mouth stretcher in my possession.
  • Must be shithoused on rum and demand parley in line for The Pirates Of The Caribbean.
  • Adrian must greet all characters in a manner fitting to their dress. Sniffing Goofy’s ass, mousetrapping Chip and Dale, and harpooning Ariel.
  • I must hand Belle the card of a Domestic Violence Counselor with a knowing look and a gentle hug.
  • Someone’s tits, painted to look like Jack Skellington and Sally, must be seen on a coaster picture.
  • I must bring my EMF detector, nightvision goggles, and fake scream on the Haunted Mansion ride. Adrian must act like there is a camera crew following us inside.
  • One and/or both of us must be inconsolably afraid during the fireworks show. I will pay Adrian $100 if he wears a child leash during this.
  • Everyone we speak to at the airport must be convinced that you’re Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Fairy Tale counterpart, Totes M’Goats.
  • Must demand at one restaurant to eat something “Authentically Orlandan.”

I would LOVE to see your suggestions for our DisneyWorld Rules (for me and for Adrian). I’ll be taking photos/video of my favorites and posting them on Twitter and Facebook (much to the embarrassment of Adrian’s entire family, who are going with us). What else should he do?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Gia: “Her recent mildly excessive use of the word Shitastic has DEFINITELY caused me to introduce it to my vocabulary. I’m just waiting for Boyfriend to do or say something that I can respond with “THATS SHITASTIC” too. “Hey Gia, want pizza for dinner?” “Pizza? Again? Seriously? Shitastic!”

 

DogsOnDrugs.com November 21, 2011 at 2:08 am

“Every time you see Mary Poppins, that bitch gets a punch to her box.”

I’m way ahead of you on this one.
DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted..The Week In Review

Noa November 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Elaborate. Please, please please elaborate.

Miss Sassy Pants November 21, 2011 at 2:39 am

Kick Buzz Lightyear where his gonads should be.

Pretty please?
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..My first world problems

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:25 am

I’ll try. As long as I don’t break my foot.

Alicia November 21, 2011 at 2:50 am

During the Lelo and Stitch ride please scream, “where’s Segorney Weaver in her panties!”. Then lean over to a kid and whisper, “this is still the Alien ride mother fucker”.

Alpandia November 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

THIS! Ah, Alien Encounter. How I miss having alien boogers blown at me at 10am.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:28 am

I hear that service goes for $300 these days.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:27 am

I have such bad memories of the Alien ride. I wanted to take Adrian on it to prove how fucking scary it was.

kim November 21, 2011 at 4:17 am

Any time there’s a parade, you have to show your boobs and shout, “Hey mister, give me some beads!” Mardi Gras style.
kim recently posted..beginner

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:28 am

I’ll be talking my MIL into this one.

Brandon S November 24, 2011 at 9:46 pm

You know what… if anything you’re going to help a lot of Disney employees come out of the closet if you stick to that rule. You know Gay Days there is really just a recruiting session.
Brandon S recently posted..All That Glitters Isn’t Gold … It’s Pink!

Dawn November 21, 2011 at 5:33 am

Oh Holy Shit! I am totally gonna be in Disneyworld this week. My kids are going to march (as in part of a high school marching band) in the Thanksgiving Day parade Thursday night. If Mary gives yo any problems, shout out. I will cut a bitch.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:29 am

I’m collecting a Disney gang right now. I’ll call you with a light in the sky the shape of a vagina if I need you.

Britt November 21, 2011 at 8:16 am

When you go to the E.T. ride, make sure you’re wearing a red hoodie and jeans and holding a tattered white blanket. Tell everyone in line you’ve been waiting since 1982 to be reacquainted with your best friend.
Britt recently posted..Let Us Forget How Much You Suck.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:29 am

Shit! Will maroon work? All I have is maroon.

Angie Uncovered November 21, 2011 at 8:22 am

One of you has to promise to perform sexual favors in exchange for release to the guards who will obviously be removing you from the Happiest Place On Earth. THAT is a viral YouTube moment waiting to happen!

I’ll be making popcorn for this! Have fun!
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Don’t judge me! How I Spent My Birthday

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:31 am

I like that you’re planning for the end of this trip instead of how to get me IN to jail. Thanks, Angie!

Angie Uncovered November 22, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Hey… I’m progressive and forward thinking! :)
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Gia November 21, 2011 at 8:34 am

When you see lions in the Animal Kingdom, scream FREEEEEEEE SIMBAAAAAAAA!

Park yourself on main street in front of the magic kingdom. When the park closes and they try to kick you out, tell them you’re part of the #occupy movement, and you’re not leaving until real reform happens. Those kids from “It’s a Small World” need to get paid real wages (or deported, whatever you prefer). #occupydisneyworld
Gia recently posted..Home Improvements

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:32 am

We will not be visiting Animal Kingdom, but my nieces will. I will pay them to do this anyway.

I feel like at least 3 characters will probably mace me if we start to Occupy. Am I off here?

Gia November 22, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Are you kidding? They’ll probably join you! You know, after they’re not barfing in their masks and getting kicked in the balls by kids and/or disgruntled adults and/or you and your husband, after following some of the other rules in these comments…
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Gia November 22, 2011 at 8:50 pm

edit: *after they’re DONE barfing in their masks.

Damnit. Ironically, I’m less sober now than I was one when I wrote that. I guess my “proofreading is for pussies” philosophy comes with a downside..
Gia recently posted..I Wish They Sold DIY Lasik Kits

Monica November 21, 2011 at 8:35 am

One of you has to wear a furry costume. At the first sight of Goofy or Pluto, you have to insist he is your father.

When you see Pluto, go on a long, angry rant about about what bullshit it is that he’s not a planet anymore, and how you still believe in him.
Monica recently posted..“Honey, you are really random sometimes”

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:33 am

It’s going to be 80 there most of the time, so not only will this be awesome, it will kill me!

I can’t fucking wait to tell Pluto that he ain’t shit anymore.

Wendy November 21, 2011 at 8:58 am

Every time you see that Pooh Bear one of you must hold him down while the other tries to wriggle him into adult Depends in order to help him get rid of the horrible moniker he’s been stuck with since the regrettable eating-to-much-Mrs.-Rabbit issue
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:33 am

WHAT DID HAPPEN TO MRS. RABBIT?

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 21, 2011 at 9:23 am

After riding Pirates of the Caribbean, Adrian must find the nearest employee and ask if those chained ladies are still for sale and who does he need to talk to about purchasing one.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:34 am

Adrian is very, very excited about this one.

Ally November 21, 2011 at 10:21 am

I don’t have any rules to add, but I will offer you a word of warning.

Be wary of the people in costumes. I went with my family a few years back and we all were a little disturbed by how touchy feely the Tigger was being. Soon after we got back from out trip, it was discovered that we weren’t the only ones Tigger was a little too excited about.

Let’s just hope that the wonderful thing about this Tigger was that he was the only one.
Ally recently posted..Word of the Week 3

Norway November 21, 2011 at 6:43 pm

That’s kind of extremely terrifying. This Tigger just destroyed my childhood.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:34 am

Every time you read something here, a little bit of your childhood dies, Norway.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:34 am

“Let’s just hope that the wonderful thing about this Tigger was that he was the only one.”

That. Was. Fucking. Genius.

Alpandia November 21, 2011 at 10:40 am

You could just Occupy Main Street – since you will have the bongos ready for It’s a Small World (ugh *shudder* those dolls are going to come to life one night and slaughter everyone).

Anytime you’re on a ride/movie/walking-past-a-ride where something “spits” at you – like the camels by Aladdin, water works in Honey I Shrunk the Audience, etc…. you have to start screaming, “ARGH! IT Burns! The Acid is eating my skin!”

You could always do my favorite thing: When you are on Pirates and you come to that little bump before the drop, throw your hands in the air and start screaming like it’s a big plunge. There’s always at least one person in your boat who will honestly think you’re going over Niagara falls if you do that ;)

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:36 am

Now that I know there’s a drop, I’ll be overacting the SHIT out of that motherfucker. It’s gonna be fucking sweet.

Jen November 21, 2011 at 11:11 am

While on Tom Sawyer’s Island Adrian must wear blackface and sing ‘Mammy’. You may sit by idly and let hilarity ensue when the NAACP gets all over him like Gloria Allred on Herman Cain.

And while you’re at it, find that snotty bitch from The Princess and the Frog and demand my $12 back. That movie sucked worse than an Amish whore.
Jen recently posted..We Don’t Need No Edukashun

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

You’re on to something here, Jen. Every talking character you meet, point out plot holes and ask them ridiculous questions like “Snow White, do you know exactly what kind of poison was put in that apple because every time I’ve tried it the victim always dies. I never get the coma I was hoping for.”
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness – Super Friends S1 Ep10

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:37 am

I really cannot wait to do all of the above, and this one will give me special joy. I love plotholes.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:36 am

Holy fuckballs, Jen.

HOW DO YOU DO THIS FUNNY.

Andi November 21, 2011 at 11:40 am

Hmm, let’s see:

Play Marco Polo on Tom Sawyer Island. Try to recruit gangs of random children to join you.

At the top of the little “dive” into the Pirates of the Carribean ride, imitate the talking skull on the bridge right down to the creepy laugh.

Freak out at the Haunted Mansion, start crying and carrying on about demons and evil houses. Try to make enough ruckus that they have to stop the ride and escort you off, then act like they are the saviors of the universe.
s
On the Roger Rabbit ride in Toontown, yell “Shave and a haircut, two bits!” at every character.

Spin the teacups hard enough to make yourself dizzy. After exiting, walk funny past the line, like you can’t get your bearings. Try to upset the more nervous children. Bonus points for vomiting in the bushes.

I’m out of ideas and the cat just bit me for typing.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi — Actually, Fantasy Sunday

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:38 am

I really was kicked off the teacups there in 2000. We unbolted one we had it going so fast. Disney was not pleased. We had the centripetal force worked up to a point where I was, quite literally, unable to sit forward.

I hope they don’t recognize me, because that was awesome.

Kelly November 21, 2011 at 11:51 am

I have never been to Disney World or Land, so I need to enlist the help of Misty to sue my parents for stifling my childhood.

Try to get Donald Duck to put pants on.

Find Daisy, and call her a whore for not wearing anything to cover her tail.

Chase Minnie and Mickey around with mouse traps.

Throw a bucket of water on Ariel to see if she’ll turn back into a mermaid.

I don’t know if there’s a “A Bug’s Life” section, but you should bring a can of Raid if there is.

Key/egg Lightening McQueen.

Should I go on? Need me to meet you there? Coordinate our watches and all that?
Kelly recently posted..Mayhem. And I ain’t talkin’ about Allstate.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:39 am

Kelly, if you show, we’ll be arrested at first sighting.

So please, do come.

Kelly November 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Sorry, kiddies! Momma needs the Christmas money for bail!!! WHOOP!
Kelly recently posted..Xanax me!

Grace November 21, 2011 at 11:53 am

Obviously, you have a little pack of dignity you left at the alien experience you must reclaim. I’m sure it’s still waiting for you.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:41 am

GO FUCK YOURSELF, GRACE.

I was like, NINE, OKAY?!

Dana the Biped November 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Gently explain to Prince Charming that it’s just not going to work out between the two of you, long-term. You’re not leaving Adrian, after all, even if you did have a steamy, steamy, not-G rated night. And you’re uncomfortable with what he did to the dwarves.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:43 am

Prince Charming gets the fuck around. He’s about to be Maury’d.

Jaime November 21, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I miss Disneyland …. the only rules we had for Disneyland was to make sure no one got lost … and make sure the kids obeyed the safety rules so we didn’t get booted out of the park!
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:45 am

I plan on getting lost and breaking all safety rules.

Hellachella November 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I got shitfaced in Disneyland. My tooth broke and I wasn’t dragging my children out of Disneyland to find a dentist.
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Britt November 21, 2011 at 10:18 pm

THAT is what I call strategic parenting. They shouldn’t be deprived of all the Disney magic, and you shouldn’t be deprived of the glory of booze. It’s a win-win. Minus the tooth…
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:46 am

Because you gag and rally, and YOU’RE PROOF OF HOW AWESOME IT IS.

Jaclyn November 21, 2011 at 1:32 pm

“Must be shithoused on rum and demand parley in line for The Pirates Of The Caribbean. ”

I definitely just read that as “demand parsley”. And then I thought… maybe that’s what pirates use to brush their teeth? Does it prevent scurvy? OH PARLEY. Got it.
Jaclyn recently posted..A Pot to Piss In

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:47 am

I will demand parsely, too. You can never have enough minty substances.

Dani November 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Demand to be photographed by a group of Japanese tourists wearing Mouse Ears. Then insist that they be in the picture with you. Then make each one post individually with you while you do a “thumbs up” in every single picture.

(I may or may have PTSD due to all the Japanese tourists with cameras and mouse ears at Disney Land throughout my annoyingly privileged childhood.)
Dani recently posted..California Brain

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

You have the frilliest PTSD ever. I love it.

Jake November 21, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Point out to the princesses that at least three of them are married to Prince Charming. Insist on calling them “sister wives.”
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Dani November 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

That’s brilliant!!!!
Dani recently posted..California Brain

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:51 am

I will offer to re-braid their hair and find more modest dress.

Feryx November 21, 2011 at 10:35 pm

When you see Mulan shout “ME LAV YEW LUONG TIME BETCH!”
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:52 am

I am going to need a video of you saying that so that I know how to say it right.

Feryx November 22, 2011 at 5:52 pm

http://youtu.be/td8yw_Ge32A This should be close enough, just add “betch” at the end. I realised that i’m really gunning down Mulan, it’s like i’m racist or something..
Feryx recently posted..My jointy parts are making me sad

Hoody Hoo November 22, 2011 at 5:53 am

I love you — and I’ll love you even more if you and Adrian both wear those tour-group-we’re-all-wearing-the-same-color-and-carrying-flags-so-we-don’t-get-separated outfits… BUT IN DIFFERENT COLORS.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Resurrection

Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I tried. He refused. DICK.

lisa from insignificant at best November 22, 2011 at 6:05 am

OMG I love Disney World…so much fun to be had.

You should go t o Downtown Disney and when the Rainforest Cafe “erupts” run around screaming “The volcano is erupting! Everyone run for your lives!” Bonus points if you start pushing people out of your way as you run to “safety”. Double bonus points if some of the people you push get knocked to the ground.

Tell Cinderella that she hasn’t made a mortgage payment on the Enchanted Castle in years so it is going into foreclosure. Inform her that you are there to make sure she packs her shit and gets the fuck out. Also be sure to put that little yellow sign on the door stating that the castle has been foreclosed.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:51 pm

That bitch was so nice. I couldn’t be mean to her. Plus, her makeup was as thick as riot gear.

Charity November 22, 2011 at 11:07 am

I could JUST imagine one being photographed lifting their shirt on one of those rollercoaster photos. Bwahahahaha. Fucking classic.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I did, in fact, get the best rollercoaster photo ever while we were there. I’ll be putting it on Facebook for all to see.

Tracy November 22, 2011 at 12:23 pm

My rule for you is to approach anyone who appears to be a foreigner and loudly ask them if they are from out of town, thus recreating one of my least favorite childhood memories of my Dad.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:53 pm

DONE.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress December 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I want an update. Since you wrote this before your trip and it is now AFTER your trip, I’m sure you have some awesome (by awesome, I really mean illegal or unsavory) stories. Share. Don’t be so selfish.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: This one may kill me. Nice knowing you.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:58 pm

OKAY OKAY. Check Facebook soon. I’LL SHARE.

Melanie December 12, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I know you’ve already gone, but I think it would be awesome if someone tried to convince a couple of the princes to take one of those “stand just a little too close, stare just a little too long” pictures with each other. Bonus points if they can sneak in some groping.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:43 am

DAMNIT.

Now I’m sad I didn’t do this one.

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