Is Your Kid Public-Ready?

11/28/2011 · 118 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

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These kids at DisneyWorld were DICKS, y’all, and the parents were totally fucking chill about it. I was about to elbow some babyfaces in. Have you ever encountered a truly dickish child? What happened?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Monica: “So, like, four times I read this as “John Cleese.” And four times I thought, “God, I love John Cleese. That is one stupid funny motherfucker.” And four times I thought, “But that dude totally doesn’t need Noa to pimp him. He’s insanely famous already.” And I’m not even drinking Scotch yet.”

 

Havilah November 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

I have met a few real terrors (the life of the occasional babysitter). As I think about it, I don’t know any of those people anymore. :) I make friends with people whose “children” are limited to dogs & cats. Saying your pets are children is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen, but compared to the alternative… “How’s my favorite little niece!”

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I got lucky and have wonderful nieces who say things like, “Party on Wayne,” when I ask them to do something. I wish the world had more of them.

Abby November 28, 2011 at 8:22 am

As I’ve said, my desire to nurture anything ends with my garden, and I’m ready to pull that shit out after three months. With that said, “hellish crotchling” is quite possibly the best phrase I will hear all week. Yes, I’m predicting the future.
Abby recently posted..And…the nun is drunk

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I must know–was it the greatest thing you’ve heard all week?

Monica November 28, 2011 at 8:44 am

Most of the kids I know who are dicks have parents who are dicks, so it’s hereditary or something. But even some generally good kids can be dicks if their parents don’t beat the dickishness out of them. Seriously, guys, beat your kids so I don’t have to.
Monica recently posted..‘Tis the season for bitching about abundance

Brandon S November 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm

One helluva PSA right there!
Brandon S recently posted..All That Glitters Isn’t Gold … It’s Pink!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:53 pm

It’s really a pretty natural conclusion of life and evolution. Dicks breed dicks. Therefore, the Jersey Shore is birth control.

Miss Sassy Pants November 28, 2011 at 9:00 am

I lived in Chile for a year and discovered in that country the parents are even more apathetic than they are in this one.

Your child is pulling my hair as he climbs all over the couch? Not a problem.

Your child is throwing objects around the room in his tantrum? Not a big deal.

Your child is biting my ankle, and you still don’t care? Nope.

Your child is taking a shit in the middle of your neighbor’s living room, and it doesn’t bother you? Not at all.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..Gluttony’s revenge.

Jen November 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Christ on a crouton that must explain my ex-in laws demon spawn. My ex-SIL was from Santiago and her three kids were fucking evil. One of them went all Elin Woods on my with a golf club and she just laughed. It took everything in my power not to pull an Andrea Yates on those little bastards.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm

@Sassy: Did that last one really happen? REALLY? I hope it did.

@Jen: I’m not sure how I feel about your golf hobby. That seems too tame for you.

Jen December 4, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Pfft! I was still drinking heavily back then. Now? Oh HELL yeah, nowadays I’d draw on my Portland roots and go totally Tonya Harding on that bitch’s kneecaps.
Jen recently posted..Is There a Starbucks in Hell?

Sherry November 28, 2011 at 9:14 am

I got to enjoy those same dickhead kids this weekend. Why in hell would you bring a 1yr old to disney? Seen a few dickhead teenagers while I was there as well.
We were over in Japan at Epcot sitting on the ground like everyone else watching the acrobats. Father and three dickheads walk up and stand in front of us. AHEM!!! I look up at Dad who moves, dickheads stay as Dad tells them to sit. They sit, Dad moves to the back dickheads commence to getting up and down, up and down. Stepping all over me and my bags. Finally when they came back for the last time they all three looked at me while standing there. I said ” y’all need to sit your asses down and don’t move again I am trying to watch a show got it?” Dickheads didn’t move again until show was over.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:57 pm

WHY WERE THERE INFANTS? EXPLAIN THE LOGIC.

We watched the magical fucking electric parade in the magic kingdom the first night, and I almost turned into a mass murderer for all the assholes trying to get by me to see it. Ma’am, there are 4,000 people surrounding the castle trying to watch this. You are not the most important one. Back the fuck up.

jenbo November 28, 2011 at 9:32 am

i have a 3 month old and pre-emtive beatings have already commenced.

you’re welcome.

Monica November 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

Excellent. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes. When they never know why, life is always an adventure.
Monica recently posted..‘Tis the season for bitching about abundance

Jen November 28, 2011 at 1:15 pm

The key is to beat them at random times with no provocation. Keeps ‘em nice and jumpy.
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jenbo November 28, 2011 at 2:28 pm

fantastic idea, jen! however, i failed to mention that he’s on adult doses of cough medicine to make sure he’s groggy at all times; that could hinder the ability of random violence to cause jumpiness – but i think it’s worth a shot. you see, I believe my ability and willingness to try various modes of discipline makes me a good mother, yes?

Jen November 28, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Holy shit, will you marry me?
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jenbo November 28, 2011 at 7:18 pm

fuck that – ive been through one wedding to many. lets alope – vegas style! oh, and i want to wear a headdress made of peacock feathers, please?

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:58 pm

@Jenbo: We thank you.

@Monica: I’m pretty sure that’s an after school abuse special.

@Jen: Is this person NOT your alter ego? I thought it was the same person…

Chrissy November 28, 2011 at 9:38 am

Arming oneself with cartoons is THE best way to keep my little butthead quiet. I swear, he gets to use my iphone more than I do. Half of my apps teach people how to count and how to identify fruits and various meats.

This must be why I’m never taken seriously.
Chrissy recently posted..I before E, eh?

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:00 pm

My nieces can work Adrian’s phone better than he can. And they’re quiet when they do it!

Ally November 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

I was hanging out with some friends on a local bar’patio. There were a lot of people walking by and one of my friends kept shooting people with a water gun. She saw a family she knew and started shooting them, especially the 13 year old. The child gets pissed, walks over to me thinking that I am shooting the gun and gets in my face. I was flabbergasted. I am heavily tattooed and most children are afraid of me (which is quite the perk). This child tried to get in a fight with me. a 13 year old tried to fight me. I had no words. The mom just stood there and said nothing.

And this is why I hate people.
Ally recently posted..Let’s hope Mindy and I never get stranded on a deserted island with no food.

Front Desk Ninja November 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Kids these days don’t know tattoos mean we hide shanks under our bras.
They think it means we’re pregnant, wherever the tattoo is, so they can RUB it. Or TOUCH it.
I’ve slapped at least four children for doing this.

My own niece included, because unless I hand you the marker and say “colour my rose in” I do NOT want you scratching at that shit, got it?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..It’s The End Of A Goddamn Era, Kids

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:02 pm

@Ally: “She’s expressing her world views.” Tell that bitch to get a journal and some eyeliner and shut the fuck up.

@FDN: I can’t get any tattoos, so I have not experienced this phenomenon. Do they think it’s a sticker?

*~J~* Glitter November 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

The best ever was when I worked at “Toys-R-ForRichPeople” and a child flipped the shopping cart over with himself in it. The product that he so vehemently needed was a spongebob squarepants mallow sucker. Priceless.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:03 pm

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I once saw a kid flip himself into a center-aisle freezer in Wal-Mart. I sat on the floor and laughed for a long time.

Kelly November 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

I am of the school of thought that humans in general are a bunch of dicks. There’s a hierarchy, you see – Maslow had it wrong. It’s not about needs, it’s levels of dickishness. At the top: “I AM IN CONTROL OF MY DICKNESS.” Next, “I AM A DICK WHEN NECESSARY.” Then, “I HAVE A HARD TIME CONTROLLING MY INNER DICK” (twss). Next, “I AM A DICK MORE OFTEN THAN NOT”. At the bottom goes, “I WAS RAISED BY DOUCHENUGGET WOLVES IN THE WILD AND I WILL NOT CONFORM TO SOCIETAL NORMS BECAUSE I AM THE BIGGEST TWATWAFFLE IN THE WORLD, OR THE CHILD OF ONE.”
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Andi November 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

I think we need a diagram of this. Kelly’s Hierarchy of Dickishness.
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Jillian (The Other One) November 28, 2011 at 11:32 pm

And a trademark for the term “douchenugget wolves.”
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:04 pm

@Kelly: There’s no words for how awesome this was. None.

@Andi: Second.

@Jillian: Second again.

Jaime November 28, 2011 at 10:20 am

I fucking LOVE those kid leashes….. they are awesome. I fully advocate walking your child on a leash like they area an animal…. cuz children are kind of like animals.

and yes… kids at Disneyland are dicks.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:06 pm

My God. Just huge assholes, and the parents allow it because, “they need to experience all of this.” Yeah well when Niece 1 decked Niece 2 in Cinderella’s Castle, my SIL dealt with that shit, and a magical time was still had by all. Imagine that.

Jim W November 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

Refrigerator moms.

Jen November 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Are you getting all Bettleheim on us, Jim?
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Andi November 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Someone upthread mentioned Maslow. Now you’re referencing Bettleheim. My inner sociologist just had a squeegasm. Talk nerdy to me. baby!
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Jen November 28, 2011 at 10:34 pm

WHOOT-WHOOT! I know, I’m totally spouting ‘autism mom porn’ aren’t I? Damn! You know you love it!
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Kelly November 29, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Since I’m unemployed now, I have to take every opportunity to flash my geek card and fly my nerd flag that I can.
Kelly recently posted..The Elf On A Shelf is a total creeper.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:08 pm

I had to do research to understand this comment thread, and now I feel like I’m very far behind everything.

Carri November 28, 2011 at 10:32 am

Every God dammed person at Disneyland is a complete dick. And their crotch fruit? Little dicklets.
Last year, we took our then 1-year old to Sea World and you bet your ass I had him on a leash. Beer in one hand, kid leash in the other. Mother of the Year, right here.

Sherry November 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Someone buy this woman a full case of beer and get her kid a bedazzled leash. I think Carri just may be my new hero.

jenbo November 28, 2011 at 7:21 pm

crotch fruit?! SHIT, thanks a lot. theres ANOTHER hilarious phrase i cant say around my husband.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Carri, you need a fucking trophy for calling yourself out on that. I appreciate the badassery so much.

Gia November 28, 2011 at 10:55 am

Hmm.. I have not had any memorable run ins with a truly awful child. But may I say, I am a big fan of BabyMace.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I woke Adrian up laughing when I read this shit.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 28, 2011 at 11:05 am

At Disney World, don’t forget about the people with dickheads-in-the-making (babies) in strollers, using them like battering rams to get through the crowd. If that’s the reason you had a kid, you could have put a watermelon in the stroller and been just as much of an asshole, but spared us future restaurant punchings.
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Sherry November 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Since you’re on the subject of those damn strollers, how about those damn scooters. Huh!? What’s up with that? All of those people are NOT disabled. As my husband so bluntly put it one time while standing in line at Disney World.
“FAT IS NOT A HANDICAP”. We heard about six people behind us say “AMEN”. Of course the looks he got were priceless.
Don’t use Granny or your Fat Aunt Ginny as an excuse to walk to the front of the line.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

When I was at Disney Hollywood Studios last month, there were two of those street improvisation performers, and when two people came by on scooters, they asked if they could ride around on them, and BOTH people hopped out like it was nothing. There’s no way they needed those things. If you get a scooter because you’re that fucking lazy, then when someone asks if they can ride your scooter, you have to respond: “No, I’m so lazy and worthless that getting out and standing for a minute or two could potentially kill me.”
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Myth November 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I could not agree more. I actually HAVE an honest-to-God physical disability (in the form of debilitating fatigue), but I am absolutely determined to never use those damn things because they are for people who literally cannot get around without them. And if I can fucking walk, then so can you, you self-entitled lazy-ass lump of flesh. Have some respect for those of us who are ACTUALLY EXPENDING SOME EFFORT here.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:11 pm

LET’S HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT STROLLERS, SHALL WE?

I had to push around a stroller for the first time at DisneyWorld for my nieces. I never hit anyone except for Adrian with it, and that was pretty much purposeful. I used to think, “Oh, they must be hard to control if they hit people so often.” NO. FUCK THAT SHIT. I DID IT JUST FINE.

Paula @ thewilyweez November 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I hate parents that let their kids run wild. I think both the bad parents and their children should be harnessed together with one of the teddy bear backpacks and forced into the ball pit at McDonalds for all eternity.
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Kelly November 28, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Where they will surely get some communicative disease. Or find someone’s watch.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I want to start a trend where when a child is being an asshole and the parents aren’t paying attention, I mirror the child’s actions to draw attention to the absurdity. If I can’t do that in public, neither can they.

Mamy November 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

There are a couple of terrors at my 13 year old’s soccer games. Their mother ignores them and they run wild, kicking, screaming and hitting each other and any other little kid that gets in their way. If they mess with her there will be hell to pay, from them and their mother! I watch my 3 year old like a hawk; if she starts in with any bad behavior I’m all on it. I can’t stand parents who let their kids do whatever and don’t discipline them. Scary to think that someday these little dicks will be in charge!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Those little dicks are in Congress!

Front Desk Ninja November 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I work at a hotel. This is established, a well known fact.
During the hockey/soccer/volleyball/whatever the fuck sport you just enrolled Jimmy Junior in is having a tournament, those weekends show me why I should be happy I don’t have children.
Only two moms have ever told me their children would abide the rules, and meant it.
Other parents? They drink. and ignore the fact I’m trying to tell Sally and Ralph to stop trying to climb up into the windows, or over the running fireplace, or running in the goddamn hallways you giant elephants.

I’ve perfected the art of politely threatening children who I’m not allowed to beat.
I plan to take this knowledge with me everywhere.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..It’s The End Of A Goddamn Era, Kids

jenbo November 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

its called passive-aggressiveness. and it is suprisingly effective with the parents as well.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:14 pm

My mom has that down too. She still uses it

Barefootorbust November 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Yes. Lots and lots. And lots.

As a childless adult, I constantly get told that I don’t know how to parent. Like squirting one out makes you the automatic expert. I spent several years teaching preschool. I also spent 8 years raising someone else’s kids. And I actually spent some time studying child behavior and development. I think I have a pretty good grip on what is normal and acceptable and what needs to be quashed before it gets out of hand. If a child is near me, then they learn. I don’t care whose child you are. If you are running, I will stick out my arm and say “Indoor feet, please”. If you are yelling, I will say “Indoor voices, please”. If you are hitting, I will put my hand between your striking fist and who or whatever you are hitting and say “Use your words”. If you are pulling my hair I will untangle your hand and give it something else to do (i.e. crayon, colored pencil, Mcd’s toy, cause yes, I still carry that shit around with me). Once you are out in public parenting choices cease to be a family matter and starts to effect the rest of us, and we have a right to do something (short of violence).

Admittedly I have never been to Disney___ (insert theme park name here). I bet it is hell in pink plastic.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Adrian and I taught kids for a long time, and no, we’re not parents, but I have a goddamn good idea about how to make kids behave after teaching classes of 30 4-year-olds. That’s why you brought them to me, after all. Stop telling me I don’t know what I’m doing when I tell him to act right.

Jen November 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

People assume that because I have short people I like kids. Amber Alert: I. Hate. Kids. I like mine (most of the time) but everybody else’s kids annoy the every-loving SHIT out of me.Hence the reason I am not a school volunteer or a Cub Scout den mother, and playdates? Oh, HELL to the no. Fuck playdates.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

My own mother told my sister and I this from a very young age: “I never liked kids, until I had you, I like you.” And I always thought “what a gamble, that’s crazy!” But, it now all makes perfect sense to me since my niece and nephews came along. They’re cool, the rest of em, meh.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:18 pm

I am too scared to be a mom because I think I’ll hate even my own kids.

lisa from insignificant at best November 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Oh yes, my niece and nephew. Two biggest ungrateful brats you’ll ever meet. The stuff they get away with is apalling. My nephew will get right up in his parent’s face and start SCREAMING at them. My niece the moment she doesn’t get her way at my mother-in-law’s house (said to her mom) “I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!” This is repeated over and over again until they walk out the door. Oh and these things are just the tip of the iceberg.
I remember when I was pregnant my sister-in-law looked at me and said “Just wait. One day your kid will act like this too.” Ummmm no you pyscho hose beast (my pet nickname for her…cuz she is one), if my daughter (now almost 5) acted like that I’d be in jail for beating the shit out of her. She is by no means perfect, no kid is, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tolerate that kind of BS. There are so many parents who have zero clue how to disapline thier kids now-a-days, which is why the amount of brats in the has risen so dramatically. Ugh.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I got lucky on the niece train. I taught mine to say, “party on wayne, party on garth,” and then they used it in conversation like it was something they always did. My nieces are rad.

lisa from insignificant at best December 5, 2011 at 4:51 am

I take it that means you wouldn’t be willing to trade.
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Mindy November 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

The only thing worse than dick-hole kids whose parents ignore them are dick-hole kids whose parents scream and yell at them. and are ignored. and don’t get up to beat their kids for not listening. I have found that yelling doesn’t work. What works is grabbing them by the shirt, and whispering threats into their ears. By “them” and “they” I mean my children. Not douchebag parents.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Whispered Threats=Good Kids.

Carrie November 28, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I recently hid the shoes of a girl who had stolen a toy from the hands of my 10 month old baby. Seemed easier than confronting her punk, teenage mother. Hope they had fun looking for those!

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I like your style.

LKat November 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I used to dress my little brother up as Sonic the Hedgehog and tell him if he ran around the block 2013 times that I would play Sega with him. I was the best babysitter/big sister ever.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm

My sister just locked me in the pantry. At least you gave him something to do.

-Vince November 28, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I used to teach Tae Kwon Do to kids of all ages… so yes. I encountered many dick-shit little brat balls. BUT! I got PAID to beat the crap out of them. That’s not even the best part; Their “I wanna be their friend, not their parent” parents would actually THANK me for doing it.

Made me seriously consider a career in education… until I found out math teachers don’t get to employ similar teaching techniques.

Jen November 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I think I’m in love with you.
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-Vince November 29, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Haha! Thanks.
I’ve been reading your blog* since Noa featured you on Funny Bitch Friday. I agree with you on many, many, things. Especially hipster-hating. Fucking hipsters… Get off my lawn >:-0

*I hate that “word”

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm

@Vince: I USED TO TEACH KARATE. I loved it when parents brought their kids in telling me, “He has a discipline problem.” You know as well as I do, that shit was straightened out in the first 10 minutes, the parents were amazed, and you got to have the awkward conversation about how it’s absolutely not the kid who has the problem.

Becca November 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Here’s the thing. If your child cannot fully walk unassisted yet they are too YOUNG FOR DISNEYLAND. There I said it. What… it’s true. They are too short for most of the rides and don’t have the attention span to deal with everything else therefore they will get tired, and weepy and cranky, and you as a parent will get tired and weepy and cranky. When my daughter was almost three (a week away) we went to Walt Disney World for a week. We made her walk. When she was tired we left the park and went pack to the hotel for a nap (the three of us) and then came back when everyone was rested. We did not let her run around like an animal, we did not let her scream and wail like a caged animal. We knew her limits and we knew ours. When we got close to either we just headed back to the hotel to call it a day or get some rest. Not only does your vacation get ruined when you push yourself and your children past what they can handle (and this varies by child and family), but you ruin other people’s shit too. So grow up assholes, and know your limits.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I wondered so much why people would bring infants. Isn’t that just torture? Why do that shit to yourself? Those babies are MISERABLE.

Mandi E. November 28, 2011 at 6:14 pm

When I was still in California, I had an annual pass to Disneyland and it would irritate the shit out of me when some mouth breathing breeder in a stroller would run into my shins because they were too busy watching their fuck trophy antagonize people waiting in lines than watching where they were going. I got really good at deflecting their stroller right back into their own shins so they’d think they walked into it.

I have to wonder if more people’s crotchlings would be better behaved if, like a cat or a dog, parents would have to pay a separate security deposit for each dick child. We’ll do an inspection of the dwelling once your child turns 15 and refund that deposit less any damages done from age 1-14.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:29 pm

The child security deposit is fucking brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

RozB November 28, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I once tripped a kid who was running up and down the aisle at the grocery store. It was crowded enough to have to be wedged up against product without him zipping up and down the aisle like he was on speed and his mother just blandly kept telling him to stop without even looking up from her phone while she texted. I stuck my foot out at the right time and the little asshat looked like he was sliding into home plate. He did that hiccup and open-mouthed silent cry thing that precedes a loud-assed wail, and promptly sat his ass down while she ran over scolding him. I got away with tripping a kid.

Aaahhhhh……good times.
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Jen November 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

When I waited tables in college we’d wait til mom and dad weren’t looking and flick the kids in the back of the head. Fucking hipster parents sure as shit paid attention when little Salinger and Augusten started wailing their hemp-covered asses off.
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RozB November 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm

You rock, Jen. That is all.
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Dave November 30, 2011 at 11:06 am

You. Are. My. HERO.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Roz…I love you so hard.

Jaime November 28, 2011 at 8:11 pm

I work with kids (every single day) and, for the most part, I love them. But, some days when I’m walking between lunch room tables looking for a kid who I’ve never met, feeling hungry from not eating all day, smelling the distinct scent of corn dogs and not being able to hear myself think, I feel like sticking my shoulder bag out real far and ramming it into a few heads.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Don’t fuck with me. You’ve done that.

Myth November 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm

My best friend has a younger brother who is like this (technically, a half-brother). He just turned six last month. His father was an illegal alien from Mexico; he spoke no English, was eternally shitfaced, and—best part—a mouth-breathing, child-molesting creepy douche. My friend still suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, which makes dealing with her little brother extra difficult because, unfortunately, not only is he a raging terror, he is also a reminder of her wonderful almost-stepfather. Her mother engages in little to no parenting; at times she tries, but the kid is so utterly out of control it’s hard to keep him in line. Generally speaking, the most effective discipline is administered by someone who is calm and can take all of the screaming and whining while still standing their ground. Hardly an easy task, and my friend and her mother are both so stressed out ninety percent of the time that they just don’t have the stomach for it. I can’t even go over to their house when he’s there, because chronic migraines and shrieking children don’t mix well.

He is a cute kid, though, and we all love him (yes, even me). Sometimes he’s totally fucking hilarious, too. Once when I was visiting, he walked up to me out of nowhere and slapped my ass. Very casually. Did I mention he’s only recently reached the age of six? My friend said, “Wow, they learn quick, don’t they? He’s going to be good at this whole ‘being Mexican’ thing when he’s older.”

(Tell the Jeez I’m sorry for making a racist joke, but you gotta admit that’s funny.)

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:33 pm

I do admit–that shit is hilarious.

Myth December 7, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Plus there was that one time when he told us he wanted to be a drag queen when he was all grown up. Yes, I am dead serious.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I LOVE THIS KID.

Badnikl November 28, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Oh Damn it all! I didn’t know my neighbors went to Disney World! Those SOB’s owe me
money too.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:34 pm

I stole it from them. No worries.

Andi November 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I actually like kids. I even like the asshole kids, because they make my spawn look like the next group of genius supermodel/etiquette mavens. The purpose of some people is to serve as a bad example. *shrugs* Also, I consider the experiences my children get playing with these hounds of hell to be ample practice for a lifetime of dealing with bosses, politicians, cops and DMV employees.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:35 pm

You’re so admirably well-adjusted. Tell me your secrets.

Jes November 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm

So… husband and I went to Disney World on our honeymoon because we wanted a reminder of why we didn’t want crib midgets right away… so, we were standing in line for some roller coaster and this kid in front of us kept screaming, slapping his sister and jumping around which meant he was giving me a migraine and he kept stomping on my feet. Now, typically I can just cuss under my breath and move on but this shitstain was on my very last nerve because it was 110+ degrees outside and i was irritable. The kid finally got on my nerves enough that I told him that if he said another word or came with in a foot of me again I was gonna smack him. He did not speak or move again. I was happy. Husband was horrified. I don’t care. If people are not willing to control their moron kids, I will be more than happy to do so.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I love you for being ballsy. You are amazing.

Megan November 29, 2011 at 12:53 am

My friends daughter is a complete asshole. And the entire world knows it except for my friend. They always uses the excuse “that’s just her ” and I always want to say no that’s not just her, that’s her being an asshole. I had to take her down MMA style in my living room at my daughters first birthday because she was blowing a whistle in all the adults faces… Her mother was outside with her other asshole spawn who was crying after being zipped into a bounce house. So I handled it! I think I’m gonna include this chart in their Christmas card. Thanks!
Megan recently posted..I am [blank] right now…

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:36 pm

THAT’S NOT JUST HER. THAT’S YOU TEACHING HER THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE A DICK AND THAT SHIT WILL NOT FLY IN THE REAL WORLD.

Sorry. That was probably an overreaction to your friends.

Non-Crisped Texan November 29, 2011 at 1:21 am

You know the problem with baptisms, don’t you?

They don’t hold the little bastards under water nearly long enough.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm

We have to meet one day.

Hoody Hoo November 29, 2011 at 7:15 am

Other people’s horrible children are why I always make sure my birth control gets refilled on time. There is absolutely NO WAY I could have acted like that as a child, or else Dear Sweet Mama would have, as she often warned, “killed me and made another one just like me.”
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Getting… Better?

Dear Sweet Mama December 1, 2011 at 8:06 am

You might want to remember I can still do that. Just in a test tube, now.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:38 pm

I want to hug you both. And feed you margaritas.

Heather Rose November 29, 2011 at 9:28 am

My cousin and I used to rotate babysitting for our older cousin’s kids – that is, until the time my cousin was cooking them dinner and the kids took the opportunity to strip naked, paint themselves red and pee all over the wall. They hired a professional nanny after that.
Heather Rose recently posted..The dive bar

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm

I want to call bullshit, but I know, from you, it’s true.

Yesssssss.

Dana the Biped November 29, 2011 at 10:47 am

Please don’t pass this along to my mother. Please.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Whoops.

Tonya November 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

YES! So so right on!
Does this come in Poster size? Can I get it framed?

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:40 pm

I will get on that.

The Enforcer November 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

That’s a rhetorical question, right?
Nobody explained to me that living across the street from a playground would stick me smack-dab in a nest of short demons with inattentive demon mothers. I’ve got a two year old in my house honing patience skills that he didn’t come by genetically because he recognizes that the older kids are dangerous monkeys.

When the parents aren’t “chill” / inattentive, they’re actually encouraging the monstrous behavior as either independence or bravery from their little Gozers. Are they practicing for joint custody? Or banking on an accident requiring traction and silence?

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:40 pm

There are a lot of things I love here.

1) Your name.

2) That you call them Gozers.

3) That you are awesome.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress December 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Uh, well, here’s the thing. According to this chart, Cal is okay to go out in public….but I’m not. Which can’t be right because I’m the ladiest lady I know. DID YOU RIG THIS SOMEHOW???
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: This one may kill me. Nice knowing you.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I didn’t make it past the second tier. No worries.

kim December 1, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Asshole kids come from asshole parents. Word.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Word.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 12:21 pm

No kids here, and I’m an only child so I can tell you now that I am fully aware that I am not mature enough to be a parent. Probably ever. Cool aunt I can do, hatchlings of my own? Nope.

I love kids when they’re well behaved; I love getting to play make believe with them and not get funny looks for it. Little kids are a great excuse to be a huge dork in public.

Kids that are getting out of hand? Fuck. That. I automatically wanna treat them like I would my own, which means if a child is pitching a fit, I will grab them, trap their limbs and snarl threats into their ears until they chill the fuck out. But I’ve found that’s frowned upon in a babysitter, and when I can’t do that, I just mirror them by yelling nonsense at the top of my lungs like it’s a fucking contest. A contest I will always win.

Also when real little kids wanna have your attention all the time? Sorry. I cannot fake interest. I try, I’m polite, but politely disinterested. Kids are smart; if they see you legitimately don’t care about every little thing they do/say, they will wander off to play somewhere else. Much like dogs actually.

Kids are SMART. Evolutionarily, they have to be. If they were stupid by design, they wouldn’t last long. More than half the time, it’s not your kid that has the problem, it’s you. DISCIPLINE is not the same thing as BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR KIDS. If you want to correct their behavior, but don’t believe in spanking or anything like that, punish them anyway. Do not sit them in the corner; that just gives them time to reason about how they were right and you were wrong.

Also, (I might get bitched at for this. I’m ready, bring it on), STOP GIVING KIDS FOOD AS A REWARD. That shit works with dogs, but not with kids. If you can say no to your pet, say no to your child.

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