Fulfilling my wishlist would be a public service unto mankind.
I would like:
- For no one to ever sing “Christmas Shoes” ever again.
- Gwenyth Paltrow to shut her goddamn trap already.
- A dildo firing gun for traffic
- Dildo Ammo belts that I can wear like PornoRambo
- An OSHA investigation into your elf shop practices
- For Adrian to stop listening to hipster music that makes my heart cry
- Showers for Hipsters, a charity that uses firehoses to sober up and clean hipsters
- A dancing meerkat to make tea for me in the mornings and wake me up with a jaunty tune and maybe add tap shoes to the mix
- Comedy Central to showcase good comedians (Hey, CC, no one wants to watch that new Carlos Mencia special you have coming out!)
- Rick Perry to just stop talking altogether
- A swing in the middle of my living room
- A McRib that doesn’t include pig hearts and stomachs
- Patrick Stewart
- You know what? Let’s change that, let’s have the Meerkat with Patrick Stewart’s voice instead
- Can we keep the dancing and tea making parts, though? That would be rad as shit.
- It would be pretty cool if he wore Elizabethan costume and fenced, too, but I realize I’m asking a lot.
- I would send you a lot of videos of said Meerkat in payment. Like a terrible PR pitch, but cooler, because I would write something in exchange for a Patrick Stewkat, and I’m not the only one
- For Ghostbusters 3 to not suck
- Dark Knight Rises not to kill Batman
- People to stop insisting that Christian Bale is a multi-faceted actor. No, he’s not. He can only ever be Christian Bale on screen. He’s Keanu Reeves with voice inflection. Why is he such a good Batman? BECAUSE HE WEARS A FUCKING MASK. Accept it for what it is.
- Nicole Kidman to stop looking like the Bride of Skeletor.
- My apartment not to smell like old fish when I do laundry (WHHHYYYYY?)
- SNL to continue being funny as it has been this season because the past 5 years have been pretty rough.
- Cesar Milan on parenting. Let’s be honest here, it’s not different at all to train a dog and train a toddler.
- For someone to do a Jem and the Holograms Live Action Movie. It’s not a huge stretch considering a Monopoly movie is being made, and that’s the worst game ever produced. Also, Battleship featuring Rhianna? REALLY?! Let’s just do a fucking Boggle movie, why don’t we? I’ll bet it’s already in production, and you fuckers killed an Assassin’s Creed movie. Fuck you, Hollywood. Fuck you to death.
Give that Mrs. Claus a little pickle tickle and send this shit my way.
Noa D. Gavin
What do YOU want from Santa this year?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From RozB: “I once tripped a kid who was running up and down the aisle at the grocery store. It was crowded enough to have to be wedged up against product without him zipping up and down the aisle like he was on speed and his mother just blandly kept telling him to stop without even looking up from her phone while she texted. I stuck my foot out at the right time and the little asshat looked like he was sliding into home plate. He did that hiccup and open-mouthed silent cry thing that precedes a loud-assed wail, and promptly sat his ass down while she ran over scolding him. I got away with tripping a kid. Aaahhhhh……good times.”