I’m Not Asking Much Here. Well, Except For The Meerkat.

11/30/2011 · 93 comments

in I Want This., I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

Dear Santa,

Fulfilling my wishlist would be a public service unto mankind.

I would like:

  1. For no one to ever sing “Christmas Shoes” ever again.
  2. Gwenyth Paltrow to shut her goddamn trap already.
  3. A dildo firing gun for traffic
  4. Dildo Ammo belts that I can wear like PornoRambo
  5. An OSHA investigation into your elf shop practices
  6. For Adrian to stop listening to hipster music that makes my heart cry
  7. Showers for Hipsters, a charity that uses firehoses to sober up and clean hipsters
  8. A dancing meerkat to make tea for me in the mornings and wake me up with a jaunty tune and maybe add tap shoes to the mix
  9. Comedy Central to showcase good comedians (Hey, CC, no one wants to watch that new Carlos Mencia special you have coming out!)
  10. Rick Perry to just stop talking altogether
  11. A swing in the middle of my living room
  12. A McRib that doesn’t include pig hearts and stomachs
  13. Patrick Stewart
  14. You know what? Let’s change that, let’s have the Meerkat with Patrick Stewart’s voice instead
  15. Can we keep the dancing and tea making parts, though? That would be rad as shit.
  16. It would be pretty cool if he wore Elizabethan costume and fenced, too, but I realize I’m asking a lot.
  17. I would send you a lot of videos of said Meerkat in payment. Like a terrible PR pitch, but cooler, because I would write something in exchange for a Patrick Stewkat, and I’m not the only one
  18. For Ghostbusters 3 to not suck
  19. Dark Knight Rises not to kill Batman
  20. People to stop insisting that Christian Bale is a multi-faceted actor. No, he’s not. He can only ever be Christian Bale on screen. He’s Keanu Reeves with voice inflection. Why is he such a good Batman? BECAUSE HE WEARS A FUCKING MASK. Accept it for what it is.
  21. Nicole Kidman to stop looking like the Bride of Skeletor.
  22. My apartment not to smell like old fish when I do laundry (WHHHYYYYY?)
  23. SNL to continue being funny as it has been this season because the past 5 years have been pretty rough.
  24. Cesar Milan on parenting. Let’s be honest here, it’s not different at all to train a dog and train a toddler.
  25. For someone to do a Jem and the Holograms Live Action Movie. It’s not a huge stretch considering a Monopoly movie is being made, and that’s the worst game ever produced. Also, Battleship featuring Rhianna? REALLY?! Let’s just do a fucking Boggle movie, why don’t we? I’ll bet it’s already in production, and you fuckers killed an Assassin’s Creed movie. Fuck you, Hollywood. Fuck you to death.

Give that Mrs. Claus a little pickle tickle and send this shit my way.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

What do YOU want from Santa this year?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From RozB: “I once tripped a kid who was running up and down the aisle at the grocery store. It was crowded enough to have to be wedged up against product without him zipping up and down the aisle like he was on speed and his mother just blandly kept telling him to stop without even looking up from her phone while she texted. I stuck my foot out at the right time and the little asshat looked like he was sliding into home plate. He did that hiccup and open-mouthed silent cry thing that precedes a loud-assed wail, and promptly sat his ass down while she ran over scolding him. I got away with tripping a kid. Aaahhhhh……good times.”


Hoody Hoo November 30, 2011 at 7:12 am

Dear Santa;
If Noa gets a fencing and tea-making Patrick Stewkat, I get custody on alternate Mondays. Also, if you make the Jem movie, I get to be Jem, but Noa can play her alter-ego/secret identity so we’ll both be happy.
In return, we will both be as good as it is possible for us to be, given our limitations involving poor upbringing and rampant dickery.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Side Effects May Vary

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I will gladly share custody of Patrick Stewkat.

gerri November 30, 2011 at 8:06 am

If you have a FL He washer, they get stinky after a while. You need to run a cycle with a cleaner. There is one called Affresh. Is it sad that I’ve been stalking you for months and my first response is a household cleaning tip? Makes me look like a spinster car person. I would never be one, cuz cats are secret assholes who rub their asses on you pillows when you’re not in the room.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm

No, not sad at all. I’m hopelessly undomestic, so this was really helpful. For risk of me looking like a freeloading douche…are there any baking soda/home object cleaner options because that $20 Tide cleaner can kiss my twat.

DogsOnDrugs.com November 30, 2011 at 8:26 am

Please tell me you’ve heard this before…

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Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I have watched this non-stop for days.

Jaime November 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

I think I saw the preview for the Battleship movie…. it made me very, very sad….. and how the hell is Rhianna supposed to act when she can’t even sing?! Jem and the Holograms would be fucking awesome… I loved that show. Did you see the Robot Chicken episode where they made fun of Jem?
Jaime recently posted..soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:55 pm

The “Battleship” opponent jumps over Rhianna’s head 5 times in the trailer. 5. What in the shit.

And YES! I did see that episode. “Is Jem truly outrageous? Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous?”

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 30, 2011 at 9:00 am

Dear Santa,
Before I potentially have any kids, please make it so that future terrible children’s movies are not previews before decent ones. I saw The Muppets this past weekend and had to suffer through an Alvin and the Chipmunks preview. It hurt my eyes, ears, and heart. In the future, to then hear “I want to see that!” I’m worried about heart attack or stroke. Also, I just glanced down and saw that my last post, entitled ‘I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2′ will be displayed when I submit this request. I understand that probably confuses things, but please be assured that I recognize that it’s a shitpile of a movie and do not plan on exposing any kids to it.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2

Norway November 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Speaking of the Muppets, I believe I am the ONLY person of my generation who grew up watching those movies. I’m a teenager, and when I went to see the new movie on Saturday with my family the only other people in the theatre were sentimental 30-something parents and their small children. I LOVE the Muppets, and didn’t even realise none of my friends knew about them until I started telling people we should go see the movie and was met with blank stares. What is this world coming to?

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

That’s depressing. Hopefully now a new generation will know about them and what was wrong will now be right again.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Ed the Dog – Fashion Innovator

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:58 pm

@Carrie: I have a similar love of The Wedding Singer. We all have our shame.

@Norway: You’re the ONLY one? But…but the Muppets are the best. The best I say.

Mayor Gia November 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

Whaaat? It’s hilarious when rick perry talks. Especially when it gets dubbed. They could make a com central special on it.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Gia’s Childhood Flashback: Hair Freak

Noa December 4, 2011 at 9:59 pm

It’s only funny when he’s not your Governor. So sad.

Ally November 30, 2011 at 9:51 am

I would like a miniature donkey named Eduardo.

And to be named Queen of the Universe.
Ally recently posted..Dying of Boredom

Dana the Biped November 30, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Eduardo, Donkey Queen of the Universe? Dunno, doesn’t ring quite right…
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Ally November 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Ha ha.That would be quite confusing. It would also be unfortunate if I had to kill my miniature donkey in order to become Queen of the Universe, but I am willing to make that sacrifice.
Ally recently posted..Because I am a Fucking Genius

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:00 pm

@Ally: He almost made my list on the first go round. Well done.

@Dana: Frankly, I think it has potential.

Chris November 30, 2011 at 10:16 am

An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 30, 2011 at 10:28 am

Oooh, me too, me too!
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2

Jen November 30, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Nah, you’d just put your eye out.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 30, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’ll just have a football.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Ed the Dog – Fashion Innovator

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:01 pm

So, bunny suit, right? Everyone heard bunny suit? Cool. I got you a bunny suit.

nadine November 30, 2011 at 10:39 am

Good list. I agree with so much of it. Especially the Carlos Mencia shit. Likewise, anytime someone mentions they’re a fan of Jeff Dunham, I immediately knock down their IQ by 80 points.

For Christmas, I want a zoo filled with exotic albino animals with albino zookeepers.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Banana Boat Sunscreen also has the albino zoo on their list.

lana November 30, 2011 at 11:56 am

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! A Jem Movie would be amazing!! Ya know I bet Adrian would totally watch a Boggle movie.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:03 pm

He really perked up at the suggestion. I cried a bit.

L-Diggitty November 30, 2011 at 12:41 pm

All I want for Christmas is for Lindsay Lohan to be clean and sober. Maybe, if we all wish and hope hard enough, it will finally happen!!!!

Oh, and I’d also like for my sink faucet sprayer thingy to work again.
L-Diggitty recently posted..Open mouth. Insert foot.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:04 pm

But she’s so much more fun this way…

Jillian@BrilliantTitle November 30, 2011 at 12:48 pm

For Christmas, I would like Colin Firth, someone to do my laundry for me, Michele Bachmann to be erased from women’s history, and for my abs to show up. Also for fried chicken to only count as regular chicken. Earrings are nice too.
Jillian@BrilliantTitle recently posted..Eat Your Heart Out. Or Eat My Heart Out…?

Mayor Gia November 30, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Ohhh I want Colin Firth too!!! Sharesies??
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Jillian@BrilliantTitle December 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Since this is a Christmas present, I’m sure that some magical arrangement can be arranged :-)
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:05 pm

@Jillian: That man can wear a sweater. I stole that from Liz Lemon.

@Gia: Colin Firth is also a WIZARD NOW? Excellent.

Dana the Biped November 30, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Dear Santa,

Oh, who am I kidding? I ain’t getting jack from you this year, you fat bastard. (What do you mean, you have to be good? That’s a hunk a bunk. The meek inherit the earth–all I’m asking for is a stinkin’ gift card to Home Depot, and those are way easier to come by.)

Eff you.

Love, Biped.

(P.S. My Sister the Lawyer is in employment law, just sayin’. Sure you can’t send a gift card my way?)
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I like that you threaten Santa. I like it a lot.

Mandi E. November 30, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I would like either a nerf gun with unlimited ammo or a super soaker filled with cat repellant so the little bastard with stop climbing my tree and eating the bulbs, electrified or otherwise.

I would also like a tazer in the form of some seemingly innocuous object like a candy bar or a super stylish wrist watch. I’d like to be able to taze random assholes who don’t treat me with the reverence commensurate with my level of awesomeness and still have plausible deniability.

Finally, I would like some sort of 6 figure endowment which will allow me to break my bonds of servitude and stay at home for the next 3-5 years writing trashy romance novels.

I know I’m not asking for too much here, and dammit, it’s my time.
Mandi E. recently posted..The savior was bore on the wings of flamingos.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I would probably end up trying to eat the tazer candy bar and zapping the back of my throat like if I gave superman a BJ and then it’s sad.

Dani November 30, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Santa Baby,

I’d like new boobs. And a job. Maybe a job in which I could showcase my new boobs, yet keep my clothes on and not hang by my crotch from a pole. Yet at the same time, I’d like to have the ABILITY to hang by my crotch from a pole, just not actually have to do it.
The rest is simple: World peace, keep my baby from going to Afghanistan again in February, cure for Cancer, cure for Autism, and Ed McMahon at my front door with a big fat check from Publisher’s Clearing House. (Yes, I know he’s dead… that’s what would make it so awesome.)

Mad love,

Dani recently posted..The Saga Continues….

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I’m stuck considering the crotch-pole possibilities. How…

Carri November 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I asked Santa for Gwenyth Paltrow to eat shit and die. I hope I win.
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Jen November 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Wait. . .is shit macrobiotic?
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Carri December 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I’m sure macrobiotic tastes like shit…
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:12 pm

She married Chris Martin. Has she not suffered enough?

Jen December 4, 2011 at 10:33 pm

I don’t know. Is it enough that Gwyneth hears daily that “the stars are yellow and bluuuuueeeee’?” Ummm, oh, fuck yeah. That whiny shit would drive me batshit crazy.
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Andi November 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I want to trade in my firstborn. I hear they fetch a high price — a kingdom’s worth of jewels sounds about right.

Failing that, I’ll take the ability to drink a keg’s worth of White Russians without the damn things going to my hips.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Yeah, but all those sheep you have to kill to keep your neighbors safe…

Jen November 30, 2011 at 2:31 pm

1. Coldplay and Nickelback in a fiery crash. We lose geniuses like Buddy Holly and Steve Ray Vaughan and we can’t get THESE assholes in a faulty aircraft?

2. A case of Hep B for the Office Skank.

3. Nathan Fillion in a bacon Speedo.

xoxo, Jen

PS: The only thing I want to see Rihanna in is a full-body cast when Chris Brown caomes back to finish what he started.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Norway November 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm

1. Damn those modern-day safety standards.

2. Oh please, girl. Like she doesn’t have it already.

3. Om nom.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Fuck Coldplay. Fuck them so hard.

Misty November 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Dear Santa,

Please make the Kardashians die in a fiery car crash, which first decapitates them and then skewers them with twisted flaming metal through their famewhore hearts. I don’t ever want to hear about them again in my entire life. Did you know that Chris Jenner might do DWTS? Or that the young one is preggers again? I do. AND I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO!! Please just make them go away forever so I never have to hear that dirty K word again. K? Kewl. Thanks.

Peace out,

Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part 4

Misty November 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

P.S. Get on that meerkat for Noa. She deserves it. She’s fucking rad, yo.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part 4

Front Desk Ninja December 1, 2011 at 5:41 am

Dear Misty,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Kourtney K. is the oldest sister.
The fact Kim is getting sued for being a fraud has done nothing but make me giggle tonight, though.
I kind of like Khloe, but mainly because she’s a bad ass and doesn’t get in the limelight half as much as the other 12930840982 sisters she has.

Also, if you haven’t, I recommend 2 Broke Girls.
Because that show, is fucking hilarious. I just watched the first 6 episodes tonight at work (I’m stressed, aight? I need funny when I’m stressed.)

Santa told me personally (I have a connection with him from Skype, we go way back) that he’s working on the meerkat for Noa. And for Kim to fall into a vat of ass remover, so she has nothing going for her.

Much love,
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Life Choices Will Always Come To Punch You In The Mouth, Kids. Always.

Misty December 1, 2011 at 10:54 am

Oops. See, that’s how much I don’t want to know any more about them, EVER?. I don’t even know which is oldest or youngest. And I am absolutely ok with that!

I watch Broke Girls. It’s one of my new favorite shows. You’re right, it’s hysterical!
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part 4

Jen December 1, 2011 at 11:20 am

I “heart” 2 Broke Girls. Max is my idol for being an even snarkier bitch than I.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Front Desk Ninja December 2, 2011 at 1:56 am

I have love Kat Dennings since Nick and Norah.
I’d switch teams for her. And yeah. Rewatching them all as we speak. A-mazing.

Can I add her to my wish list?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Life Choices Will Always Come To Punch You In The Mouth, Kids. Always.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:16 pm

@Misty: No, no, not die. Just become a little bit disfigured. Enough to make them plain and unnoticeable. That’s punishment enough.

Has anyone noticed that one of their husbands looks like Christian Bale in American Psycho? Just me? Okay. I think I’m on to something here. I think it’s all a giant sequel.

Dirtycowgirl November 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I guess it’s an ‘across the pond’ thing but a lot of that made no sense to me, the TV shows and stuff, but if Christian Bale needs to stop being Batman as a result of this I will happily give him a home.
But can he bring the rubber suit ?
Actually I just wrote a post in which I mentioned what I wanted for Christmas, but I think I might/should add him to the list.
Well if you can get Picard I can get Batman surely ?

I do love the dildo firing gun idea, I can see that catching on. You might have accidentally stumbled on a money making scheme there.
Dirtycowgirl recently posted..sick and tired

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:18 pm

You can have Christian Bale. He’s prone to sudden, frightening outbursts and a stupid voice. Best of luck.

Mandi E. December 5, 2011 at 7:12 am

But he’s HOT and I have an extensive collection of ball gags.
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Gena November 30, 2011 at 7:19 pm

“Comedy Central to showcase good comedians (Hey, CC, no one wants to watch that new Carlos Mencia special you have coming out!)”

When I noticed that his show is called “New Territory,” I said to my boyfriend “So he…going to try being funny?”
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm


Well played.

RozB November 30, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I want my 100 lb. rottweiler puppy Leo to catch that cat that keeps taunting him just out of his reach. I want him to catch it by the scruff of its neck, shake the living shit out of it, then roll it around in the dirt, leaving it stunned and shaken, covered in dog slobber. Don’t want him to kill it. I just want him to have a damn good time and the cat to remember the day it got pwned by the big-assed rottie that lives at the end of the cul-de-sac. He turns one year old in a couple of weeks and this would make him sooo happy. If dogs smiled this would do it for him. And me too.
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RozB November 30, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Oh yeah – I want Santa to make my week by allowing me to live like a honey badger for that week. Eat what the Hell I want, lay wherever I want, and just not give a shit.

Oh wait…I do that already. Dammit, man!
RozB recently posted..Should a Presidential Candidate Be Smarter Than the Average Bear?

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm

My new tiny dog thought she could fuck up one of my cats one day, and that cat hasn’t stopped chasing her since. I love that dynamic so much.

The Onion November 30, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Exactly right about Cesar Milan. I occasionally poke my kids and say “chht” so they will stop bothering others. And peeing on furniture.

That McRib description made me gag a little. A boneless rib? Um, no.


Jen December 1, 2011 at 11:21 am

Question NOT the wonder and glory that is the McRib! They. Are. Majestic.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Dani December 1, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Jen, I love you real hard and stuff but I’m pretty sure the McRib is Spam put in a Flintstones dinasaurusrexburger cookie cutter. I refuse to eat formed riblets. Parts is not always parts.

Sometimes parts is lips and assholes.

And that, my dear, is what makes up the McRib.
Dani recently posted..Messing with Sasquatch

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm

@TheOnion: I used it all the time when I taught kids. Worked like a charm.

@Jen: I loved them so, until I found that out.

@Dani: McRib is sauced assholes in the worst way.

Front Desk Ninja December 1, 2011 at 5:42 am

I’d love it if my plans went through,
and courthouses were warmer and nicer and they didn’t assume you were packing heat just because you have love handles.

I like my chocolate, people. It prevents me from shanking the Douchebag standing between me and sweet sweet freedom.

Oh, and I’d like some mitts. Warm ones.

Jaclyn December 1, 2011 at 3:43 pm

It sounds to me like he needs to be shanked. Can’t you make a friend on the inside?
Jaclyn recently posted..(Deadbeat) Daddy Dearest

Front Desk Ninja December 2, 2011 at 1:58 am

I have a few already. Small town.
He’s already done his damage though.
Now it’s on to the Hagen-Daz ice cream and continuing my love affair with the hot men of this hotel. They almost make this better for me.

So far tonight, I’ve been proposed to, given a striptease and promised a ‘real’ date.
All drunkenly, of course, but, so much fun to watch abs ripple like that… yum.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Life Choices Will Always Come To Punch You In The Mouth, Kids. Always.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

@FDN: I’d love it if your plans went through too. Good luck.

Kelly December 1, 2011 at 10:09 am

Dear Santa,

I would like a vat of douchebag repellent (with a convenient pour-spout and spray bottle), the robot from The Jetsons to clean and cook and parent my children, the ability Mary Poppins has to snap her fingers and shit is clean and the kids are behaved (you know, just in case the robot doesn’t pan out), a cheesecake that makes you skinnier by eating it, and a great big bottle of happy pills. And goddammit, if I’m NOT on the good list this year, I want a detailed explanation why. Notarized.

Kelly recently posted..Old McKelly Had A Farm, E-I-E-I-O.

Jen December 1, 2011 at 11:22 am

Oh girl, you’re on the top of my good list for offering to hook a bitch up with some bacon lube the next time Nathan rolls into town.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: FAIL!

Kelly December 1, 2011 at 4:13 pm

What can I say? ‘Tis the season to be giving. ;)
Kelly recently posted..Old McKelly Had A Farm, E-I-E-I-O.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

@Kelly: I met Mary poppins last weekend. The fame has gone to her head.

Leauxra December 1, 2011 at 10:29 am

I’ve been asking for a pet octopus for YEARS and Santa has yet to deliver. I swear, if he doesn’t get me my pet octopus this year, I am going to FUCK HIM UP.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm

You have to provide the tank. Lesson learned.

Linsey December 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I think we all deserve number one.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Agreed. So much.

Heather Rose December 1, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I’m Jewish. Santa is an anti-Semite :(

But maybe this year Hannukah Harry will bring me some lovely Jimmy Choos?! Here’s hoping!
Heather Rose recently posted..Please dont murder my horse, Congress

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:28 pm

We’re “Jewish.” We have a tree. And low, low standards.

And yes, I hear Hannukah Harry will bring you those and some guilt, too.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress December 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I want Santa to bring me a fucking Popple. I was deprived of one as a kid and now, all I can think about is the fun I could have with that little bitch.

Hey, if you get the meerkat, I’ll babysit.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: This one may kill me. Nice knowing you.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I’ll bring you a popple. BECAUSE I’M A FRIEND.

Johi December 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Dear Santa,
This bitch really wants a fireplace so if you could make that happen it would clearly benefit us both.
Please bring me something the equivilant of The Elf on the Shelf that I can use to bribe good behavior out of my children all year.
I would also like a new wardrobe, a dental plan and a live in nanny who is uglier than I am.
I’ve been a mostly good girl and the rest I can explain.
P.S. I really like expensive leather shoes.
Love, Johi
Johi recently posted..Oh Life, You Precious Tricky Bastard

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:29 pm

We had an Elf on the Shelf. It was called a backhand.

LKat December 1, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I want a cure for Toasted Skin Syndrome. It is a real disease that I have documented very well (http://deardiarylovederanged.blogspot.com/2011/10/i-suffer-from-toasted-skin-syndrome.html). Obviously I want a cure so I can be Toasted-Skin-Syndrome free, but I’m sure a cure would help millions of others, so I’m not really that selfish.
LKat recently posted..No, apparently people are not listening to me

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:30 pm

When you get the cure, let me know.

kim December 2, 2011 at 12:35 pm

First, I want an audio system with speakers throughout the house so I can go from room to room listening to Florence and the Machine or the Rolling Stones or whoever I want and have it sound like they are right there in the room playing just for ME. Then, I want to go to a holiday party in a dress and heels with a man that can’t take his eyes off me. And I want him to pay for the sitter. And finally, please Santa, no more acne. I’m 45 years old. Come the fuck on.
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Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I do not care for Florence. I have tried. I do not.

wagthedad December 3, 2011 at 2:21 am

I’m going to risk sounding like a complete fucko in favor of absolute, balls to the wall honesty about what I really want for Christmas this year. I want, in this order:

1) A 12 hour nap.
2) A massage.
3) Another 12 hour nap.
4) 2 pitchers of beer.

The “blunt honesty” part was going to include a blowjob, but to be honest, I don’t really need that at all. I might need it if I got enough rest to re-create my libido, at which point Nicole Kidman might (after 2 pitchers of beer) look more like a human being and less like the Bride of Skeletor, but what I’m saying about this holiday season is what I want for Santa is COMPLETE SILENCE.

Anyway, I always get like this around the holidays. Lots of booze and coffee help. Also watching the Christmas Story a million times.

Noa, I don’t get here as often as I do because my work has declared your site “dangerous.” Otherwise, I would hang out here all the time, spreading my ill will, bitchiness, and general whoredom every five minutes. It’s not because I don’t love you. I do, and should anything ever happen to Adrian (god forbid), and my wife lose her license to practice law, I would like to offer myself as a substitute.

Happy Christas and Merry New Year.
wagthedad recently posted..“Take Me To The Place Where The White Boys Dance” Egg Nog

Noa December 4, 2011 at 10:34 pm

I can’t access my site most places either. My wireless gets shut down at school when I get on it because it’s porn and it makes me happy.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

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