Funny Bitch Friday: Abby Has Issues

11/18/2011 · 31 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

We all have issues in our lives. Recently, I’ve been waging a war with my thermostat about its idea of automatic settings and that FUCK YOU, 62 DEGREES IS NOT OKAY. Fuck you, thermostat.

However, this is about Abby Has Issues, and hers are so much funnier than mine. I’ll prove it.

My House is Mocking Me 

Word Search

A Thanksgiving PSA

Beware The Mall

Sunny With A Chance of Jazz Hands

I’ve had Abby in The League for a while, but have not featured her yet because I am an asshole. Go show her some love, because she is goddamn funny.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From BSchooled: “LO-OOVE this!! Only instead of six face tattoos, I usually end up waking up next to the guy with only one tattoo, of his recently deceased wife, located on the same arm that has somehow ended up just two inches from my face. I figure it’s the closest I’ll ever get to having a threesome.”


Abby November 18, 2011 at 10:37 am

I’ve seriously had a shittastic week–debit card hacked, dead truck battery, writer’s block, the whole “work” thing–and I’ll probably write a post about it to bitch and whine, but THIS? THIS?

This made my whole freaking month. Screw family and togetherness and Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for this honor and accept it on behalf of my bastard toaster and the unfortunate soul who thought he would actually be able to buy something more than a latte with the money from my debit card.

Thank you, dear Noa. Carry on.
Abby recently posted..My House is Mocking Me

Monica November 18, 2011 at 11:04 am

The latte was awesome. I ordered it with egg nog. I’ll return the debit card as soon as I finish up. Sorry for the trouble.

Also, you are very funny. I approve.
Monica recently posted..Craft Friday: Wrist-mounted crossbow

Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Abby, you are rad as fuck. You totally deserved it.

When Pigs Fly November 18, 2011 at 11:03 am

Abby rocks! Everyone should check out her blog.
When Pigs Fly recently posted..Pearls of Wisdom Is What I Like To Call It

Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:25 pm


iampisspot November 18, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I’m so freakin’ chuffed for Abby! (Does anyone know what ‘chuffed’ means? Or is it just a Northern UK word?)

anyway, Abby is one of my favs and we’ve totally agreed that we’d be friends if we lived in the same country – GO read her blog!
iampisspot recently posted..Latent

Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I LOVE Chuffed. And Abby.

I’m sure here in the US, Chuffed is frequently heard as a Southern way of saying Chafed, so some weird connotations perhaps exist.

Dana the Biped November 18, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Awesome. I totally get “My House is Mocking Me.” My apartment floor eats my clothes. They party hard, throw glitter around, and then hide under my bed to perform evil deeds with the dust bunnies, resulting in that terrifying hybrid creature, “sock bunnies.”
Dana the Biped recently posted..All Days Should End with Monsters

Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:27 pm

My washer is forever unbalanced. I have Mrs. Rochester hidden in my laundry room.

Dirtycowgirl November 18, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I will go there now, so far I’m loving everything I’ve seen here so I am pretty sure this will be the same.

You are next on my list of new-blogs-I-found-that-demand-to-be-read-from-the-first-post. When I have time that is, ie the next time I’m supposed to be doing something I really don’t want to do.

So if my house is a mess and the cats litter box remains uncleaned then it is your fault and for that I shall be very grateful :)
Dirtycowgirl recently posted..withdrawl

Abby November 18, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Solution: Just buy a new litter box. Problem solved.
Abby recently posted..I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:30 am

Abby’s a good way to shove all your errands aside. Very worthwhile.

Feryx November 18, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Gooo Abby!!! :D
Feryx recently posted..You can photoshop boobs onto 10 year olds right?

Abby November 18, 2011 at 7:27 pm

I had to go to your blog, because if you can photoshop boobs on a 10-year-old, that means there’s still hope for me.
Abby recently posted..I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:30 am

I’m with Abby on this one too–your comments/post titles are always amazing in combo.

bschooled November 18, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Ha! Double Win! My comment AND one of my fave bloggers on FBF!
Noa, if you don’t mind, I’d like to say a few words:

“First, I’d like to thank God, for creating the alcohol that makes these awkward one night stands possible. I’d also like to thank Noa, who could be considered a type of God, if Gods were female and funny and used curse words. And finally, I’d like to thank Hank, the toothless wonder who hangs out at the local truck stop on Highway 1-A, for making all of my non-existent memories possible.”

“Tupac 4-Eva!”
bschooled recently posted..Billboard’s Greatest-ish Hits

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:31 am

Tupac and Abby 4-Eva.

bschooled November 18, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Edit: Apparently there is such thing as a female God. They’re called “Goddesses.” (Who knew?)

Still, I meant what I said about Tupac.
bschooled recently posted..Billboard’s Greatest-ish Hits

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:32 am

Too late, it’s already tattooed across my chest.

Lance November 18, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Abby makes funny funnier, smart smarter, and blogging, an art form.

I dig her the most
Lance recently posted..Rolling in the Deep

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:35 am

That was a spectacular (and entirely true) comment. Agreed.

Gia November 19, 2011 at 9:49 am

Her recent mildly excessive use of the word Shitastic has DEFINITELY caused me to introduce it to my vocabulary. I’m just waiting for Boyfriend to do or say something that I can respond with “THATS SHITASTIC” too. “Hey Gia, want pizza for dinner?” “Pizza? Again? Seriously? Shitastic!”
Gia recently posted..A Short Friday Post Because I’m Drinking Rather Quickly on Thursday Night

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:38 am

Adrian has just found a new annoyance from me!

Jen November 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

The last guy I dated was a meth-addled hyper-ebullient meteorologist who was way too mirthful when he’d bound out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to deliver the groundbreaking weather to the citizens of Portland. News Flash, Al Roker: it’s Oregon. It’s gonna fucking rain and none of us are happy about it. Jazz hands, indeed. . .Abby, that post nailed it down like a hooker at a gangbang; you are indeed one funny bitch. :)
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday: Meals on Wheels

Abby November 20, 2011 at 9:07 am

This comment is absolute gold, if only for “nailed it down like a hooker at a gangbang.”
Abby recently posted..I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:40 am

Jen is such a wealth of amazing sentencery.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:40 am

WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THESE METEOROLOGISTS? We have one in Dallas who’s new, and you’d think he was just crowned the King of Big D the way he’s carrying on. It’s Texas, motherfucker, it’s gonna be hot. We get it. Go home.

Wendy November 19, 2011 at 10:59 pm

My thermostat is trying to slow roast me like a frick’n chestnut and 80 degrees is not okay.

I was a an Abby virgin until now. Thanx for the new addiction to go with my crack and vodka
Wendy recently posted..How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 1

Abby November 20, 2011 at 9:08 am

I do what I can to be an enabler. Come back to my blog next week, as I have a HUGE announcement that may or may not involve me having written a book and it being offered for sale next week.

I’m just saying…
Abby recently posted..I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:41 am

I was going to say, “Oh, you’re welcome!” but I’m more concerned about your drug problems here.

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