Basically, It’s All About Dicks

11/07/2011 · 100 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,Psychological Warfare,What Is Wrong With You?

This week, I’ve been assaulted by several obscenely ridiculous slogans.

  • For Craftsman Tools: “Trust, in your hands.” You mean your dick, right? It’s your dick. I nailed it. 
  • For a laundry service: “Intelligent Laundry Systems.” I…um…do you mean women? Well, now I’m not a feminist.
  • For a trucking company: “Delivering the present, railing the future.” I think you and I have very different ideas about what “railing the future” means.

So I figure, this slogan bullshit can’t be that fucking hard. If you can just do dick jokes the way that states do, I CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE TOMRORROW.

  • Cucumbers: “Training whores since 1852.”
  • Apple: “A sentient phone means nerds are never alone.”
  • Sharpies: “Need to draw a penis? Sharpie’s got the tip for you.”
  • Government Web Sites: “Working links aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
  • Smart Car: “The highway’s first legal moving target.”
  • Bronzer: “Helping white girls look dirty.”
  • Hot Topic: “Angst and defiance with purchase of every ironic t-shirt.”
  • Ambien: “Nothing says forget your worries, and probably everything else, like Ambien.”
  • Southwest: “Wanna get uncomfortably close to a total stranger?”
  • Golden Corral: “Of course our chocolate fountain is health department cleared.”
  • Urban Outfitters: “$5.99 ramen means social awareness.”
  • Two And  A Half Men: “Fuck you, we make money.”
  • Winchester: “You, too, can be a militant extremist!”
  • Nathan’s Hot Dogs: “Takeru Kobayashi can swallow a whole hot dog. What can you swallow?”
  • Blue Eye Shadow: “For when slut just isn’t enough.”
  • Taco Bell: “78% meat in one taco is more than Kris Jenner has in hers.”
  • Public Restrooms: “Like playing the ponies with mucus diseases!”
  • Luby’s: “Ask us about our grandchildren.”
  • Wal-Mart: “Smiles are free, but human rights violations come at minimum wage.”
  • Vlasic: “Nothing mimes fellatio like pickles!”
  • IBM: “Founded with Nazis.”
  • Pantyhose: “Your legs will feel like greenhouses–all day long!”
  • Denny’s: “End up here!”
  • Playboy: “Beat off and try not to think about our Cryptkeeper CEO.”
  • Tampax: “Sapping your dignity one sparkly applicator at a time.”
  • Summer’s Eve: “You’ll never scrub the shame away, but we can help.”

I’m a goddamn advertising goldmine.

What’s the weirdest/worst slogan you’ve ever heard? Did I miss any? Do you have better ideas than I do?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Andi: “When I clicked on the link to watch the videos, the first ad to come up for Drunk Kitchen is “Stop Drinking Now,” advertising an 8-week detox program. On the Canada travel one, it’s “What Really Attracts Men — 9 Surprising Mistakes That Women Make.” Hannah is fricking hilarious, but Google Ads made me pee my pants.”

 

{ 99 comments… read them below or add one }

Christine November 7, 2011 at 2:41 am

“Have a happy period!” always makes me want to put my fist through the fucking wall. I am losing huge, bleeding chunks of uterine lining through my vagina in the most painful way possible short of outright hemorrhaging. Your cheery words and brightly colored little packages are NOT going to help anything besides hopefully not having to do extra laundry.

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Jen November 7, 2011 at 6:40 am

HA! Soon as I posted I saw we voiced our anger at the same ad! Fucking Tampax…
Jen recently posted..Bacon’s Revenge: Sorry For the Lack of Funny

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Lady B November 7, 2011 at 9:03 am

sweet hookers alive – few things make me as angry as when they describe panty liners as having a “Light, Fresh Scent”.

Really? “Hmmmm this one makes me pretend I have lavender growing out of my crotch, ILL TAKE 40! Who cares if it’s completely ineffective in saving your jeans from looking like a crime scene, YOUR VAGINA SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!”
Lady B recently posted..“I’d like to solve my mild headache with some sort of pill that can cause strokes and whisker growth.

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Front Desk Ninja November 7, 2011 at 2:49 am

I’m at a loss for funny slogans.
But I really feel like further looking around this office will help me.

I remember the commerical for herpes that circulates whenever an outbreak happens… “there are just *some* presents you don’t want to suprise your partner with”
because clearly that shit comes wrapped up in a box.

box.

and I’m snort-giggling.
also? I’m a little upset I’m not the first comment. I feel like I let you down, Noa. I’m sorry.
I’ll try better next time.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Dear Weekend Hookers, No Sex In My Lobby KTHANKXBAI.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:10 am

I think the Herpes talk would be a lot more fun if you walked in with a bow on your cock and said, “Oh, no, don’t touch that. It’s herptastic.”

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Delfin Joaquin Paris III November 7, 2011 at 4:01 am

TJ Maxx – “For when a Ralph Lauren shirt with the polo guy accidentally stitched upside down is good enough.”
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:11 am

Wal-Mart: For when TJMaxx is where the high rollers shop.

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Jen November 7, 2011 at 6:39 am

My favorite is “TAMPAX: Have a Happy Period”. Indeed. . .for nothing fills my fecund heart with glee more than uterine cramping, PMS, and expelling liver chunks the size of a small honey badger out of my cervix, you ignorant twatweasels. I’ve thought a few more truthful advertisements might be:

TROJANS: Just add meat.

OREGON: Where suicide is redundant.

SUMMER’S EVE: Does somebody smell tuna?

NIKE: Just buy the shoes, you fat fuck!

Yeah, there’s a reason I no longer work in advertising.
Jen recently posted..Bacon’s Revenge: Sorry For the Lack of Funny

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Jaime November 7, 2011 at 10:15 am

I agree… how the fuck are you supposed to have a happy period.. do you tampons come with a bottle of wine, a 2 day massage package, 3lbs of calorie free chocolate and a man slave willing to take all my bullshit and abuse and still tell me I’m beautiful when I’m 10lbs of bloat and fury?
Jaime recently posted..fall back…….. just not on your ass

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:12 am

I’m pretty sure the happy period campaign is the result of a male advertising team.

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Dana the Biped November 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

They should.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

I agree. I think.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:35 am

I have no idea why the fuck my comments are doing this weird non-threaded shit. Sorry, Dana.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:11 am

Jen, your summer’s eve slogan puts mine to shame. I am not worthy.

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Bill G. January 10, 2012 at 8:27 pm

They need to include a fat blunt. Even then, they need to take the standpoint that it’s going to help you out. It’s not like you’re going to be skipping around the house and humming a tune with sunshine pouring out of your ass.

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BlackLOG November 7, 2011 at 6:55 am

AA couple of favourite advertising slogans – these are UK ones so you might not have got them in the states

“Nothing acts as fast as Anadin”
Which is the reason why I save my money and take nothing whenever I have a headache….

Turtle Wax Ice – ”Wax at the Speed of Ice”
According to Wikipedia ice moves at about 30 inches an hour – personally I think it’s much slower, I came to this conclusion after monitoring the Ice in my freezer for 24 hours (what can I say it was a slow day) it had hardly even moved a millimetre (see told you it was a slow day). But hang on a second since my car has about as much chance of being cleaned by me as Greece paying back its debt I could ask Mrs B to stop nagging and tell her the car cleaning process is underway using my new found excuse “Turtle wax ice” and at current rate of progress is due to be completed by the end of the next Ice age……

In defence of the advertising industry we would not have the brilliant TV show Madmen if they weren’t out there trying to rip off us consumers….

Now if I was an ad executive I would be using slogans like

“MacDonald’s – Life’s already short, why prolong it by eating healthily….”

“Alzheimer’s – when you really want to forget….”

“Greenpeace – We make futile gestures so you don’t have to”

“Incontinence pants – Anytime is shit time“

In fact I could probably work on a whole campaign for Incontinence pants

“Incontinence pants – Why wait”

“when you have filled your boots it’s probably time for Incontinence pants ”

“Incontinence pants – like having your own portable toilet”
BlackLOG recently posted..This week celebrating glorious failure…

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:13 am

Wax at the speed of ice? What in the fucking fuck is that? That just makes me think of getting a brazilian in which I will immediately need ice thereafter.

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Mandi E. November 7, 2011 at 7:22 am

There are two noteworthy advertising campaigns out right now that are so ridiculous that I cry a little every time they’re on. Whether that’s from shame or hilarity varies, depending on the day and whether PMS is involved.

The first is a diaper commercial. The toddler is wandering around in pampers meant to look like denim, and the tag line of the commercial is – wait for it – “the most stylish thing you ever pooped in!” Holy Redneck Rollerderby, y’all.

The other commercial shows a stick-like object silhouetted against a blue background and it’s outlining all the technical specifications of the stick when suddenly! The lights flash! onto…A PREGNANCY TEST! Tagline: The most technologically advanced thing you will ever pee on.”

Choke me with a double headed marital aid…
Mandi E. recently posted..Nope. Can’t take us anywhere…

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Lynne November 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

Yeah, that pregnancy test one is a bit disturbing, especially when you see a stream descending upon the stick.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:14 am

Someone’s tech department got a little too excited.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:13 am

I FUCKING HATE THOSE GODDAMN DENIM DIAPERS WITH THEIR STUPID FUCKING COMMERCIAL.

Glad I’m not the only one.

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DogsOnDrugs.com November 7, 2011 at 8:24 am

Cringe-worthy when seen with the print ad:

“If your husband eve finds out you’re not store-testing for fresher coffee…”

http://pzrservices.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/coffee_2_1.jpg
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:14 am

Oh I love that one. “Not Folgers? Get the belt, ho.”

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Kelly November 7, 2011 at 8:49 am

I thought about saving this for Fuck You Friday over at Paula’s, but I can’t wait:

Dear Safe Auto,

Tell me what in the name of holy fuck does dick shrinkage in a swimming pool have to do with auto insurance?!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? More importantly, WHY WHY WHY is your commercial on when most kids are still awake so they can ask their parents WHY THE GUY KEEPS LOOKING IN HIS PANTS, MOM???? and WHY IS HE PUTTING THE BLOW DRYER IN HIS PANTS, MOM?!?!????????????!

Fuck you, Safe Auto. PS – It wasn’t even funny. If a room of 20-something males don’t find you funny, you’re not funny. If you’re not first, you’re last. THAT’s funny. Bitches.
Kelly recently posted..My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 1

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:15 am

I have not seen this commercial, but I can agree that their entire advertising campaign is the worst fucking thing I have ever seen.

Outside of Michelle Duggar’s babyslot.

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Kelly November 9, 2011 at 9:14 am

She brings a whole new visual to beef curtains, that’s for sure. As in floor to ceiling curtains. If her vagina doesn’t reach up and slap her after this baby is born, it’s probably because it can’t reach her from the floor, because you know that shit is gonna just fall out.
Kelly recently posted..My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 3

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Lady B November 7, 2011 at 8:57 am

Depends: “Nothing says I Love you like flowers on the adult diapers your loved one has to change for you.”
Lady B recently posted..“I’d like to solve my mild headache with some sort of pill that can cause strokes and whisker growth.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:15 am

Why don’t they just print on the ass, “Don’t look me in the eye.”

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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 7, 2011 at 9:21 am

“Hail to the V” – Summer’s Eve. Just stop it.

And that Golden Corral chocolate fountain commercial drives me nuts. One person says “I’ve loved chocolate since I was a little kid…” WHAT? What a rare person. Someone who’s liked chocolate since childhood? How did he even have access to it? Then my God, this chocolate fountain must be the greatest thing to ever happen to you.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:16 am

I’ve only loved Chocolate since 2002. Before then, Chocolate did some shit, but got its act together and now we’re cool.

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Cheryl S. November 7, 2011 at 9:21 am

One of my faves of all time was a PSA. It was a black background and then a gloved hand comes on and points toward the camera. THe tag? “Are YOU afraid of a prostate exam!” (Well, I am NOW.)

Here are a few slogans for you:

Alzheimer’s: Proving that your brain is God’s etch-a-sketch.

Do you have issues with feminine odor? Take a fucking shower, you pig!

Bladder leakage: Just one more thing you can blame on your kids.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:17 am

Wow, yeah, why don’t you just slap a picture of John Wayne Gacy up on the screen and ask, “are YOU afraid of clowns?”

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Lynne November 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

Universal Cab Company in Charlotte, NC has all these light blue/dark blue cabs running around with “U COME FIRST” in large letters across the top of the back window, accompanied by an armless handshake underneath the caption. In a recent article, it states “our slogan and approach since 1992.”

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:17 am

Alicia and I saw a cab the other day with disco lights in it with the windows weirdly fogged up and now I wonder what their slogan was. Gross.

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Lynne November 9, 2011 at 6:53 am

Reminds me of the Bud Light “Mr. Taxi Cab Over-Accessorizer” commercial….”Is this a taxi cab, or a Turkish bazaar?”

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Sarah November 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

I’ve got nothing. I’ve spent the morning hiding in my office, snorting at others’ witty slogans, and all I can say is that the is the best part of my Monday, thus far! You people are awesome.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:17 am

It’s true. My readers are fucking rad as shit.

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Misty November 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

TLC: Making your family look super normal and healthy since 2005!

Trojans: Because the one time you don’t have one is the time you will be offered a threesome with twins.

Tampax: So you can wear something other than black undies for a week every month.

McDonald’s: Yes, we in fact DO put crack in our food.

Starbucks: Be trendy and hyper all day long.

Video Game Commercial: We are trying really hard to look like a real movie so that you can pretend you are living a life vicariously though this game, whilst trying to forget that you have no human contact outside your bedroom and will never have the chance to have sex with anything not plastic and filled with air or your hand. The animated girl in the game with large fake boobs and kick ass fighting skills with help.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:18 am

Oh TLC. The party of shame never ends on that channel. They make MTV look like A&E for fuck’s sake.

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Lynne November 9, 2011 at 6:55 am

And, hey, Michelle Dugger’s getting ready to let another one out! That kid’s never gonna feel a thing; it’ll be like going down a water slide. Pretty soon, people will think she’s wearing pink shoes…no…wait…that’s her uterus on top of her feet. Funny how they won’t let their kids watch television but sure will pimp them out on one.

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DevyMama November 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

We have a real estate agent (Utah Dave) here that has HUGE billboards across the city that state: Keep up with the Jones’? Just move into their foreclosure!

Because the Jones’ are obviously terrible with their money and you should feel better about yourself because you can buy their home for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR.

Utah Dave is an asshat.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:18 am

FUCK YOU, UTAH DAVE.

Jesus Christ, what a dick.

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Dana the Biped November 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

My friend Mike the Deer-Puncher (the deer started it), has a t-shirt advertising prostate cancer awareness. Tagline? “Check Yourself!” It gives me bad mental pictures.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:19 am

There are so many parts of this comment that create so many questions in my head. And for that reason, it is awesome.

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Andi November 7, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Does ANYONE like the Happy Period commercial? It’s like the iPad; you just know there were no women in the room when that idea was proposed.

I hate the Sara Lee slogan with the fire of a thousand suns….”Nobody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee.” Really? That could also mean nobody’s wildly enthusiastic about them either. Suck it, bitches.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:19 am

I hate that Sara Lee commercial because every time I hear it that goddamn jingle gets stuck in my head for days. Stupid chocolatey bitch.

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Paula @ thewilyweez November 7, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I saw a Trojan ad for bare skin condoms a while back and all I could think of was furry bearskin condoms and how they need to do some photoshopping and add a line about how women’s periods attrack bears.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..In A Sad Turn Of Events I Was Denied The Electric Slide

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:21 am

Mother of God.

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Sadie Sez November 9, 2011 at 5:15 pm

THAT. IS. AWESOME.
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Lauren November 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I don’t know why but the “He went to Jared” commercials seriously drive me insane.

Like if I accidentally see one it completely ruins my day. This isn’t as messed up as it sounds. My day gets completely ruined a lot. Like this morning I accidentally smacked myself in the face with the fucking shampoo bottle. Day Ruined. Completely.
Lauren recently posted..Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I can’t. Because Ryan is a Christmas-stealing Grinch.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:22 am

If I were your friend, you would hate me because I would see just how tiny the problems need to be to ruin your day. Like my sister, and the strange texts I send her that I make Siri read to her.

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HeatherRose November 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I had to take a picture of the TV once, because the company was Bona, and the slogan was “When the wood matters.” I dont know if they beat (so to speak) you to the punch on the penis jokes, but you should probablytry to sue them for copyright infringement.
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:23 am

Holy dickballs, that one is amazing. It’s like they know…

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Heather Rose November 9, 2011 at 8:49 am

Oh you know it was intentional. It’s like the animation dude who snuck the priest’s boner into The Little Mermaid – just wanted to see what he could get away with before thousands of kids were scarred for life.
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Mayor Gia November 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Hahahaa, these are all fantastic, though the cucumbers one is best. Personally, I’m sick of breast cancer awareness ones, like Save the Ta-Tas. Ta-Tas? Seriously, grandpa? They’re breasts. It’s cancer. Please stop.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:24 am

Am I the only one that is getting a bit sick of all the breast cancer stuff? There are so many other cancers. I want to see a “save the blowholes” for colorectal cancer.

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Wendi November 7, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I’ve kind of had my say on “Have a Happy Period,” so I’ll just be quiet.

Please never become a copywriter, Noa. Unless it’s for Gentlemen’s Clubs—then you’d be perfect. (PS–what’s “mucus disease”?)

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:25 am

May or may not be a real thing. I think it might be, because they have those nasty-ass Mucinex commercials. I think of those guys every time I’m in a public bathroom.

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Becca November 7, 2011 at 6:32 pm

We were using the water service at a company I used to work for and I kid you not their slogan was, “The Best Swallow in Town.”

Nuff said. That shit was epic.
Becca recently posted..Code-name: Yellow Submarine

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:25 am

That is the absolute best, “That’s what she said,” I have ever heard.

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Alicia November 7, 2011 at 6:33 pm

The panty hose and the playboy one made me laugh like a grown ass woman!

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:25 am

Seriously, fuck pantyhose.

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Johi November 7, 2011 at 8:03 pm

The old Pantene (I think it was Pantene??) Ad with Kelly LeBrock where she flipped her hair and said “Don’t hate me because I am beautiful” filled me with rage, even at a young age. http://youtu.be/hz8ul-gmLyA

And I 42nd the “Happy Period” bullshit ad. It makes me want to drop kick kittens. And I love kittens.

The worst has to be THIS Kay Jewelers commercial. My initial reaction is vomit, then my husband and I act it out whenever we see it. http://youtu.be/ltA50HKyM14
Johi recently posted..More Marital Guidance.

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Dani November 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

“Oh, darling… I’m so frightened and weak, because I’m a mere woman!” “Don’t worry, my love… I’m here, with all my manly strongs and perfectly gelled hair.” “Oh, thank goodness… the thunder and lightning were so… terrifying. Because I’m such a complete nitwit that I jump and bury my face in your manly shoulder when I hear things go boom.” “I know, darling… I know. Have a diamond, like a good little imbecile.”
Dani recently posted..Fatty Con Ques

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:27 am

Just reading that made me want to punch giraffes in their throats.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:26 am

OH MY GOD KAY.

Rage. Just…rage. I’m very glad to know that I’m not the only one who hates it so.

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Gena November 7, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I have to go with UPS. “What can brown do for you?” How about deliver my fucking package on time, what else is there?
Gena recently posted..Dear old golden rule days

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:27 am

I have to err on the side of “Holy shit that’s racist,” every time I see that shit.

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sowakeup November 8, 2011 at 3:06 am

Commentluv when commenting on your blog keeps reminding me that I need to quit being a lazy shit and update mine. So, thanks for that, in addition to making me decorate my laptop with various beverages.

Playskool is currently running an ad for the some sort of popcorny ball machine thingy for toddlers. Tagline: “It’s ball dropping fun!”

Also, who named the products on this page?!
http://www.hasbro.com/shop/browse/Preschool-3-5/Poppin-Park/_/N-1hZ1rZoh/Ne-1a?Ns=P_Price_Sort

Park n’ pop? Fill n’ spill? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
The worst part here is that you know multiple people looked at this stuff and were all, “Yup, looks legit to me. On you go, Pound n’ pop, teach the children.”
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Jen November 8, 2011 at 7:53 am

Fucking PlaySkool drives a goddamned Craftsman Wrench up my cervix. You’re marketing EDUCATIONAL toys for Christ’s sake! How do you justify misspelling “SKOOL”!?!?
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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:28 am

I have an irrational hatred of purposeful misspellings. You know, like my name.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:28 am

IT’S BALL DROPPING FUN?

Todder teabagging–never too soon to whore it up!

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Dani November 8, 2011 at 11:01 am

Viagra ads make me die a little inside. Like your golf game is dependent on the size and duration of your boner?

The shots of the middle-aged couples walking hand in hand on the beach exchanging meaningful glances… STOP LOOKING AT EACHOTHER AND JUST DO IT ALREADY. OMG. YOU’VE ONLY GOT 4 HOURS. STOP WALKING ON THE FUCKING BEACH AND JUST GET IT OVER WITH.

Okay, I just realized there’s no slogan that I can think of so I’m going to create one for them (you’re welcome, floppy phalluses… I do it all for you):

“Viagra… when Life needs to throw you a bone.”
Dani recently posted..Fatty Con Ques

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:29 am

That is the single best viagra slogan I have ever heard. I’m pretty impressed they don’t already use it.

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Dani November 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

Remember the Yaz commercials, when the women are all sitting around together having popcorn and tea and the Yaz commercial comes on and one of the women says, “Shh.. I love this commercial!” and then they all start talking about birth control and one of them says, “Don’t you have to… put it… inside of you?” Like, ewww, ick… touching your own vagina? Who does that?
Dani recently posted..Fatty Con Ques

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Jen November 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

What do you mean, Dani? You don’t actually ((shocked gasp)) MASTURBATE, do you!?!?
Jen recently posted..I’d Like to Thank the Academy. . .

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Dani November 8, 2011 at 1:48 pm

*fanning myself* Oh LAWD no! I take baths in the dark with baby powder sprinkled on the water so I’m not tempted to sin with myself…

Vagina’s are not for touching.

Just lie back and think of England…
Dani recently posted..Fatty Con Queso

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:31 am

I don’t even know what masturbation is.

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:30 am

I want to add that line onto daily conversations.

“Here’s your milk, ma’am.”
“Don’t you have to… put it… inside of you?”

“Do you want mayo?”
“Don’t you have to… put it… inside of you?”

“That’s a nice looking car.”
“Don’t you have to… put it… inside of you?”

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Jen November 8, 2011 at 12:25 pm

The ad agency I used to work for is the one that made all of those “retro housewife” Enzyte commercials that feature “Bob” and a myriad of euphemisms for male enhancement. I’m actually in two of them; wearing a beehive hairdo and plaid capris at the BBQ one and in a June Cleaver-esque cocktail gown at the Christmas party one. Unfortunately they didn’t offer any free product for appearing in the ad spot as my ex-husband could have used the assistance.
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Dani November 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

*snort*

I actually like those Smiling Bob commercials. Hilarious.
Dani recently posted..Fatty Con Queso

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Misty November 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Share the link, Jen. Don’t make me search, bitch!
Misty recently posted..You like me. You really like me!!

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:31 am

Now I’m off to YouTube to find you and stalk you, Jen.

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Carolyn November 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Hey Noa!
I discovered you a week or two through Wait in the Van, and I’ve pretty much gone through your entire archive by now. Aaand I freakin’ love you.
I live up near Vancouver, and my favourite Canadian slogan is for the auto body shop Mr. Lube.
The slogan? “Doing it right, before your eyes.”

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Noa November 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

Hey Carolyn! You’re fucking rad for reading my shit! I fucking love you back.

And really, that’s the best way to be lubed.

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Carolyn November 9, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I forgot to mention Subway’s “five… five dollar… five dollar foot loooong” ads. Is it just me, or does it make you think Ron Jeremy’s gone bankrupt and dropped a new ad in backpage.com?

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Kelly November 9, 2011 at 11:25 am

Seriously – what freaking genius thought “You know what? I should put a goddamn chocolate fountain at a low-budget BUFFET place!! Because people will definitely be mature and clean enough to NOT stick their fingers in the flow of chocolate….”

I would bet that it will all go away as so0n as one disgusting person sticks their head in the fountain to drink up all the chocolate and make themselves into a chocolate-dipped moron…

I’ve always kind of had a problem with buffet places anyway. I think it’s part of why other countries hate us… “Why do you eat there? The food is mediocre at best…” “But it’s ALL YOU CAN EAT!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Kelly recently posted..Can Someone Get Superman to Fly Around the Planet and Slow Down the Rotation Already??

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Noa November 15, 2011 at 11:53 am

I don’t eat a whole lot per meal, so I’m the worst value ever at a buffet. I had a friend once who snuck out salisbury steaks in his pockets. That’s dedication.

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B November 9, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Herman Cain: Even his balls have balls…just ask his employees. Vote Cain!

PS – Please, no one really vote Cain.

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Noa November 15, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I think the republican pool is doing a spectacular job of shoving dicks in their mouths, but Herman’s doing it both ways!

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wagthedad November 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

So the new thing over here in Vienna is that people are finally waking up to the fact we have immigrants. So now they’re channeling lots of money into advertising about it.

Yesterday I saw a sign that said “Pimp My Integration”

It’s for the cool immigrants, who want to get integrated in their pimpy way.

Unless I’m misreading it. Usually a large portion of Austria’s immigrants become hookers. So maybe it’s an immigrant hooker management training program? Maybe they really mean pimp in the pimp way and not in the other pimp way. You think?

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Noa November 15, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Pimp My Integration?

That. Wow. That is really something special. I have no words, but many t-shirt ideas.

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Heather November 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Did you know that UPS’ slogan “What Can Brown Do For You” was once in the Advertising Walk of Fame?

You know what brown does for me? It colors my shit and bores me to tears.
Heather recently posted..Cranky McBitch

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Noa November 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

There’s an Advertising Walk of Fame?

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Delfin Joaquin Paris III November 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Yes, and let me tell you, the “Where’s the Beef” lady has like three stars on that walk. Also, Sarah McLachlan for all those dead dog things.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..Last Night I Played Poker! (and-not-the-funny-pun-kind-like-your-sexually-immature-friend-says-while-he-jabs-you-in-the-ribs)

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Bill G. January 7, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I see the message: “Railing the future…to get our company pregnant with money!”

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Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I spit all over my dashboard driving by that truck. There’s a guy working in their marketing department that’s getting away with murder.

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Bill G. January 7, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Denny’s: “Your drunk ass will wind up here eventually.”

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Noa January 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

That’s why they have pictures on the menu–all you have to do is point.

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