This week, I’ve been assaulted by several obscenely ridiculous slogans.
- For Craftsman Tools: “Trust, in your hands.” You mean your dick, right? It’s your dick. I nailed it.
- For a laundry service: “Intelligent Laundry Systems.” I…um…do you mean women? Well, now I’m not a feminist.
- For a trucking company: “Delivering the present, railing the future.” I think you and I have very different ideas about what “railing the future” means.
So I figure, this slogan bullshit can’t be that fucking hard. If you can just do dick jokes the way that states do, I CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE TOMRORROW.
- Cucumbers: “Training whores since 1852.”
- Apple: “A sentient phone means nerds are never alone.”
- Sharpies: “Need to draw a penis? Sharpie’s got the tip for you.”
- Government Web Sites: “Working links aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
- Smart Car: “The highway’s first legal moving target.”
- Bronzer: “Helping white girls look dirty.”
- Hot Topic: “Angst and defiance with purchase of every ironic t-shirt.”
- Ambien: “Nothing says forget your worries, and probably everything else, like Ambien.”
- Southwest: “Wanna get uncomfortably close to a total stranger?”
- Golden Corral: “Of course our chocolate fountain is health department cleared.”
- Urban Outfitters: “$5.99 ramen means social awareness.”
- Two And A Half Men: “Fuck you, we make money.”
- Winchester: “You, too, can be a militant extremist!”
- Nathan’s Hot Dogs: “Takeru Kobayashi can swallow a whole hot dog. What can you swallow?”
- Blue Eye Shadow: “For when slut just isn’t enough.”
- Taco Bell: “78% meat in one taco is more than Kris Jenner has in hers.”
- Public Restrooms: “Like playing the ponies with mucus diseases!”
- Luby’s: “Ask us about our grandchildren.”
- Wal-Mart: “Smiles are free, but human rights violations come at minimum wage.”
- Vlasic: “Nothing mimes fellatio like pickles!”
- IBM: “Founded with Nazis.”
- Pantyhose: “Your legs will feel like greenhouses–all day long!”
- Denny’s: “End up here!”
- Playboy: “Beat off and try not to think about our Cryptkeeper CEO.”
- Tampax: “Sapping your dignity one sparkly applicator at a time.”
- Summer’s Eve: “You’ll never scrub the shame away, but we can help.”
I’m a goddamn advertising goldmine.
What’s the weirdest/worst slogan you’ve ever heard? Did I miss any? Do you have better ideas than I do?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Andi: “When I clicked on the link to watch the videos, the first ad to come up for Drunk Kitchen is “Stop Drinking Now,” advertising an 8-week detox program. On the Canada travel one, it’s “What Really Attracts Men — 9 Surprising Mistakes That Women Make.” Hannah is fricking hilarious, but Google Ads made me pee my pants.”