Basically, It’s All About Dicks

11/07/2011 · 100 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,Psychological Warfare,What Is Wrong With You?

This week, I’ve been assaulted by several obscenely ridiculous slogans.

  • For Craftsman Tools: “Trust, in your hands.” You mean your dick, right? It’s your dick. I nailed it. 
  • For a laundry service: “Intelligent Laundry Systems.” I…um…do you mean women? Well, now I’m not a feminist.
  • For a trucking company: “Delivering the present, railing the future.” I think you and I have very different ideas about what “railing the future” means.

So I figure, this slogan bullshit can’t be that fucking hard. If you can just do dick jokes the way that states do, I CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE TOMRORROW.

  • Cucumbers: “Training whores since 1852.”
  • Apple: “A sentient phone means nerds are never alone.”
  • Sharpies: “Need to draw a penis? Sharpie’s got the tip for you.”
  • Government Web Sites: “Working links aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
  • Smart Car: “The highway’s first legal moving target.”
  • Bronzer: “Helping white girls look dirty.”
  • Hot Topic: “Angst and defiance with purchase of every ironic t-shirt.”
  • Ambien: “Nothing says forget your worries, and probably everything else, like Ambien.”
  • Southwest: “Wanna get uncomfortably close to a total stranger?”
  • Golden Corral: “Of course our chocolate fountain is health department cleared.”
  • Urban Outfitters: “$5.99 ramen means social awareness.”
  • Two And  A Half Men: “Fuck you, we make money.”
  • Winchester: “You, too, can be a militant extremist!”
  • Nathan’s Hot Dogs: “Takeru Kobayashi can swallow a whole hot dog. What can you swallow?”
  • Blue Eye Shadow: “For when slut just isn’t enough.”
  • Taco Bell: “78% meat in one taco is more than Kris Jenner has in hers.”
  • Public Restrooms: “Like playing the ponies with mucus diseases!”
  • Luby’s: “Ask us about our grandchildren.”
  • Wal-Mart: “Smiles are free, but human rights violations come at minimum wage.”
  • Vlasic: “Nothing mimes fellatio like pickles!”
  • IBM: “Founded with Nazis.”
  • Pantyhose: “Your legs will feel like greenhouses–all day long!”
  • Denny’s: “End up here!”
  • Playboy: “Beat off and try not to think about our Cryptkeeper CEO.”
  • Tampax: “Sapping your dignity one sparkly applicator at a time.”
  • Summer’s Eve: “You’ll never scrub the shame away, but we can help.”

I’m a goddamn advertising goldmine.

What’s the weirdest/worst slogan you’ve ever heard? Did I miss any? Do you have better ideas than I do?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Andi: “When I clicked on the link to watch the videos, the first ad to come up for Drunk Kitchen is “Stop Drinking Now,” advertising an 8-week detox program. On the Canada travel one, it’s “What Really Attracts Men — 9 Surprising Mistakes That Women Make.” Hannah is fricking hilarious, but Google Ads made me pee my pants.”


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