Are You Drunk? A Handy Guide

11/16/2011 · 118 comments

in Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

Everyone has a drunk story. Has someone ever had to convince you that you were drunk? Ever do anything really dumb while drunk?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Wendy: “I HAD a husband but then he caught me singing along to really horrible disco and so, yeah, I had to relieve him of his husbandly duties. Now, once the kids are at school, I can be the disco queen I never had the nerve to be in the 1970s when I was all heavy metal hard ass.”

 

Front Desk Ninja November 16, 2011 at 7:25 am

You called me a dirty whore and told me to shut the fuck up and do a shot.
So I did, but now I have to get ready for my job interview and there are three dogs where there should be one.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE ME?

Also, when I got drunk the first time. I didn’t know what it felt like so I asked everyone at the party 102820938 times, and until I could not walk, people would tell me to drink more and be sure.
I’ve done plenty dumb shit drunk, but nothing that should ever be viewable to anyone other than those who were graciously there, in body or in text. I should NEVER be allowed near a phone while drunk. Any phone is dangerous.

You’ve been warned.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Please Don’t Whore Your Bitch Out For Your Crack

Jen November 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

My sister sends me kick-ass drunk texts. Got one from her the other night that said:

“Rick Perry is a muthafuckin’ pimp. When did
Taco Bell stop making Mexi pizzas?”

No idea how to respond to that shit.
Jen recently posted..The Herman Cain Mutiny

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:43 am

@FDN: Krokodil. Enjoy the bone rot. (Also, don’t google Krokodil side effects. I puked).

@Jen: I had a dream last night that I answered this comment because I’ve been thinking about it for days, and it was a really kickass response, and now I don’t remember it. GODDAMN IT.

Stephanie November 16, 2011 at 8:32 am

Wow there are so many stupid things I have done while drunk…. the one I enjoy laughing at the most though? Went to the bar around 2pm, downed 7 long island’s (i used to have a drinking problem…) called my friend Tidwell, told him im coming to get him and we’re going to the lake. So he drives us to the lake.. i decide to get BUTT ASS NAKED. Mind you, its 3:30 in the afternoon, and we are on the beach with a TON of children and parents. So here i am totally naked, running down the beach, into the water… and then i grabbed matt and we fucked right there in the water infront of all of the children and parents. who were just there to fish..

Noa November 21, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I love, most of all, your drunken decision to go to the lake. Because only a drunk person says, “YOU KNOW WHAT’D BE AWESOME? BEING NUDE IN DIRTY WATER.”

Kelly November 16, 2011 at 8:36 am

Once upon a time, there was this girl. Girl and her friend went to a bar where a favorite band was playing for booze, music, and for Girl’s friend to hopefully shack up with the drummer again. Girl and her friend receive a tray of jaegerbombs from a mystery man and his friends, who turn out to be a bunch of kids Girl used to babysit. Girl, not wanting to feel fucking old, proclaimed, “GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKERS”, and proceeded to get shithoused to the point where Girl didn’t remember leaving the bar, navigating through road construction, or calling boyfriend and making plans for him to come over. Girl, through some divine intervention, arrives in one piece to her apartment and even gets the door open. While using the bathroom, Girl hears a knock on the door. Girl doesn’t bother to pull her pants up, shuffles through the living room to the door, answers said door, says “hi” to boyfriend, and barfs at his feet.

Boy eventually married Girl, and delights in telling Boy’s friends the above story every time Girl cracks open a beer in public.

The end.
Kelly recently posted..There’s something strange… In the neighborhood…

Britt November 16, 2011 at 10:28 am

Hey, if you can puke on someone’s feet and they can get over it- you know their in it for the long-haul.
Amazing.
Britt recently posted..Let Us Forget How Much You Suck.

Kelly November 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Yeah, he’s a keeper. He wasn’t even grossed out in the slightest. He laughed so hard I really thought he’d about-face. Says a little about him, no? lol
Kelly recently posted..A dash of OCD plus a sprinkle of lazy equals normal?

Front Desk Ninja November 17, 2011 at 4:51 am

So,
To get a man… I need to puke on his shoes after doing a tray of bombs?
Check. I know what I’m doing this weekend.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Dearest Snivelling Crackwhore…

Kelly November 17, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I expect a full report. You know, so I can make more money than the eHarmony dude off of my fool-proof “catch a mate” plan.
Kelly recently posted..A dash of OCD plus a sprinkle of lazy equals normal?

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:45 am

@Kelly: I get reminded of stairskates, which in comparison is decidedly less awesome.

@Britt: All marriages should have that as a test. Adrian can actually be in the same room when I puke. I can’t be on the same block.

@FDN: It’s called “Fairy Godmothering” and that shit works.

Monica November 16, 2011 at 8:45 am

My favorite drunk story has nothing to do with me. In college, I was convinced my friend was full of shit when she went on and on about how drunk she was. I was sure she was just using that as an excuse to loosen the ring around her tight ass. So I started bringing her virgin long island iced teas. Wouldn’t you know it, a few hours later she was acting all shit-faced, and I had to tell her she was only psychosomatically drunk. Eleven years later, I still bring up that story, because I’m an asshole.
Monica recently posted..My self-loathing is dead sexy

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:47 am

We once did that to a roommate with Jello shots. She just ended up shooting Bill Cosbys for 3 hours and then she let us tape her to the floor of the elevator.

She was deaf, and we were considered for a hate crime. IT WAS HER IDEA.

Misty November 16, 2011 at 8:50 am

Wait, people do dumb things while drunk? This must be a new phenomenon, because I have never heard of such a preposterous thing.

A bit off topic, but yesterday in court, there was an attorney that came in completely shithoused. It was so bad that the Judge had to call us up to the bench and ask him if he’d been drinking (to which he denied, and was obviously lying) and then told him since he was incapacitated, showed up 2 1/2 hours late and was unprepared to represent his client, added to the fact that he didn’t even show up for the previous hearing, that he was going to have to report him to the Attorney Grievance Commission. I would say that was probably a pretty bad drunk for that guy. I’m not sure it even registered, he was so blasted. He couldn’t even coherently form sentences. And he tried to blame it on Zoloft and Librium (?).

Sorry, that wasn’t a fun story, but you said drunk and that made me think of it.

My drunks are either fun, dance around like crazy, get really loud and laugh a lot . . . or if I get drunk on Lemon Drops it will usually involve puking on the side of the road and hugging the toilet all night. Straight Vodka is apparently not my friend.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

Jen November 16, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Lemon Drops are Satan’s urine. Those sweet bitches have been the cause of many a shame spiral.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken by Me and My Friends: Part 5

Misty November 16, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I can attest to at least 4 over the course of my drinking career. I am a very slow learner apparently.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

Dani November 16, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I have never had a Lemon Drop. Now I feel sad. When it comes time to order shots, I’m usually already plastered so I get a huge kick out of ordering a Slippery Nipple. Lemon Drop isn’t as much fun to say.

Note to self: Order Lemon Drop while still relatively sober.

Hubby has a Christmas party coming up for work… since they’ve never met me and he’s only been working there a short time, I’m pretty sure it’s time for me to make a fabulous impression. Lemon Drops may be the answer.
Dani recently posted..Pommy Poop Parade

Brandon S November 16, 2011 at 9:55 pm

My own husband’s Christmas party involved copious amounts of alcohol (when you’re in finance you NEED alcohol to cope with the stress of losing other people’s money…. ) and so needless to say this one very “handsy” woman wanted me to dance with her. I’m not a dance. Or at least I’m not after dancing with her. Strangely they stopped doing Christmas parties not long after that. They blame on the economy but I’m calling their bluff.
Brandon S recently posted..All That Glitters Isn’t Gold … It’s Pink!

Dani November 17, 2011 at 8:30 am

You set the bar high, Brandon… Challenge. Accepted.
Dani recently posted..Pommy Poop Parade

buttah November 17, 2011 at 10:52 am

Then you should totally order a shot of Wet Pussy, or a Pink Pussy….both are great, and then you can tell the bartender that he/she has the wettest or pinkest pussy in town, or just the best pussy in town. Yes, I have done that before!!

Dani November 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I’m intrigued!!! I think that’s something I would make my husband order for me, just to watch him blush and stammer and then do the Walk of Shame back to me.

I’m a giver.
Dani recently posted..Saggy Boobs Are Totally The New Black

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

@Misty: I once saw that on SVU and thought, “what bullshit. A lawyer would never do that,” and here I stand corrected.”

@Jen: My kryptonite is Vodka Sours. That shit is just spicy lemonade that makes me drop trou.

@Dani: Try Lemon Drops only with a trusted friend nearby.

@Brandon: There’s so much of me that wanted to see all of your comment take place, because I LOVE shitshows more than anything.

@Buttah: I once saw my grandmother do a blowjob shot, and that may be the best day ever.

Andi November 16, 2011 at 9:12 am

When I get drunk, I let my inhibitions down. Way down. Apparently, my libido really likes the liquor. I once drank the Hubs and his best friend under the table (they are both 6’3″ and over 200 lbs — I am decidedly smaller), then I dragged Hubs off to bed where he had to wrangle my tampon because I was surfing the crimson wave. Which I’d forgotten, until I woke up the next afternoon in a pool of blood.

I still consider that a success since I didn’t get a hangover. SCORE!
Andi recently posted..You Can Take the Girl Out of the Goth….

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

I’m assuming because Tampax soaked up all the excess alcohol?

Cheryl S. November 16, 2011 at 9:13 am

I went to a party with friends when I was about 19. Well, all the older partygoers thought it would be HYSTERICAL to get the underage girls drunk. At one point, there was someone talking and they just WOULD.NOT.SHUT.UP. So my drunken self yelled that whoever was talking incessently needed to STFU. Yeah. It was me.
I believe I didn’t sober up for 2 days.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:51 am

My sister is that drunk, but instead of shouting she gets political. It’s like doing shots with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Zombie, Esq November 16, 2011 at 9:24 am

Half the Village People. That’s what I did when I was drunk. Granted, it was one guy…but he was at least two Village People…er…Village Persons? The magical part was they were actually in town playing a concert that night too. Ah, serendipity – bourbon is thy name!

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:52 am

Holy shit.

I will never equal your level of awesome.

JPR November 16, 2011 at 9:24 am

I went to a friend’s wedding over the summer and boyfriend very nicely decided to stay sober for the reception on the condition that I get drunk, as he had never in our entire relationship seen me imbibe alcohol. I politely accepted. Fast forward to an hour into the wedding reception and I am so far beyond drunk that boyfriend is leading me around so I know where to be. The wedding party had began drinking immediately after the nuptials (about 3pm) and it is now 10pm. I have had nothing but a bag of chips to eat all day. I start arguing in the car with boyfriend about how we need to have sex as soon as we get to the hotel. Follow up with drunk check-in at the hotel desk when I hear someone call my name. I turn around and it is my uncle. “OH HI UNCLE,” I say, trying to sober up. Then I did what can only be described as a drunken Vanna White showing off her dress “I JUST CAME FROM A WEDDING”. Yes, I did that. Twenty three years old standing in a bridesmaids gown in the hotel lobby with my boyfriend. Basically the night ended with me drunkenly initiating sex then drunkenly curling up into the fetal position crying because, guess what, your body does not like when you drink all day and don’t eat anything for over 24 hours. Surprisingly enough, that guy continued to date me.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:53 am

That guy is a fucking trooper.

I once got too drunk out with Adrian’s family and proceeded to shoot pool with the greens at Putt-Putt. I’m impressed he still looks me in the eye.

Ally November 16, 2011 at 9:47 am

I manage a bar. I deal with drunken stupidity all the time. Part of my job is to kick people out they have become too drunk to function. One time I kicked out a girl who was freshly 21. She cried. For 30 minutes she cried. And I am just standing there like “There is no crying when you are being kicked out.” I would much rather break up a fight and deal with someone that yells at me, than ever have to deal with crying girl ever again.
Ally recently posted..MASH

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:55 am

I feel like I need to mail you this in business card form to pass out with drinks. I’m so sorry.

LKat November 16, 2011 at 9:54 am

Fine, fine, fine. I’ll do my shot and THEN head head to the dance floor to make a fool of myself while searching for FaceTattoos. I’ve been going to college for ten freakin’ years. That means ten years of drunken stories to tell. There was the impromptu trip to Vegas where I don’t remember boarding the plane and woke up to a flight attendent asking me to please put my seat up for landing…..(WTF?!?), the time I bought two banana trees from QVC without considering how the harsh Minnesota weather might be hostile to my new plants, the morning (yes, bright and early) when my (hot) landlord walked in on me dancing near-naked to “Nasty Girl” . Maybe one day I’ll realize that being a graduate student should require a new level of responsibility and self-respect. Someday.
LKat recently posted..I will tweet the twit out of you!

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:56 am

I.

I must drink with you.

Goddamn, you sound like the best drunk ever.

Britt November 16, 2011 at 10:01 am

My glorious journey down your chart ended at “Well at least you’re honest. Cheers.” While I’m glad my honesty enlightened you, I would have still appreciated encouragement to take another shot. Sometimes it helps with the shame when someone else made you do it.
Britt recently posted..Let Us Forget How Much You Suck.

Britt November 16, 2011 at 10:30 am

Oh, and this one time, in Cancun, I did 18 shots throughout the night and ended up barefoot at someone else’s resort, talking to a fountain. Shit got pretty real between me and that fountain…
Britt recently posted..Let Us Forget How Much You Suck.

Jen November 16, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I once got so stoned that I had a 45 minute conversation with a Hootie And the Blowfish CD. Good times, my friend. . .good times indeed.
Jen recently posted..The Office Whore Must Die

Britt November 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm

You’re my new best friend.
Britt recently posted..Let Us Forget How Much You Suck.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:57 am

@Britt: Each time you feel sad, just take another shot. Wait. No. That can’t be right.

@Jen: Can I get a transcript?

Dana the Biped November 16, 2011 at 10:24 am

I’m pretty straight-laced. So it was a bit of a surprise when I went out for *a* beer in a cardigan, and came home in someone else’s sequined tube top.

I miss that cardigan. Also the bra that was under it.

Also, once I accidently went to a biker bar to see a friend go-go dance in a pink cardigan. I am socially inappropriate.
Dana the Biped recently posted..A Way with Words and Teeth

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:57 am

Accidentally went to a biker bar? As in stumbled and landed in alcoholic leather daddies?

Jaclyn November 16, 2011 at 10:26 am

There was one time I did shots of tequila. For some reason, I decided that I should do 8 shots before I had actually had even one. So in a span of like 20 minutes, I did 8 shots of tequila. If I remembered what happened after that, I would tell you. What I can say for sure is that I woke up the next morning with a severly sprained ankle, hobbled to the bathroom and realized that my bf at the time had tried to put my underwear back on me (back on? That’s what he said) and apparently he put my waist in one of the leg holes and the entire seam of my underwear was ripped and they were hanging on by a thread.

As far as people having to tell me I’m drunk, no, not really. I’m definitely the “I’m soooo drunk” girl.
Jaclyn recently posted..A Pot to Piss In

Noa November 22, 2011 at 12:59 am

I am imagining his thought process in re-dressing you in your underpants. How confused he must have been when they were so ill-fitting going back on.

Sorry–in my head, it’s fucking hilarious.

Jaime November 16, 2011 at 10:44 am

For a birthday a few years back my bf at the time threw me a surprise party… I rememeber lots of shots … Drunken dancing on tables… When the bf brought out a surprise cake… I yelled at him cuz it was so big. Then I handed out cake to everyone in the bar…. Afterwards we went to a friends house to continue the party and my friend dressed up in a gorilla suit (don’t ask me why my friend had a gorilla suit) …and we walked down to the corner store and while the friend in the gorilla suit proceeded to hump random objects in the store, my other friends stole a sixer of beer….

I shall never forget the moment the gorilla grabbed a bunch of bananas and made gorilla noises while making humping gestures towards the potato chip display.

What can I say… We know how to have fun!

Oh… And I can totally dance even when drunk…. ;)
Jaime recently posted..you know you want to pee your pants with me.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:00 am

I think everyone needs that friend in a gorilla suit. Because hey, everything is a LOT more fun in a gorilla suit.

Jen November 16, 2011 at 11:21 am

I was completely snot-flying drunk when I met and subsequently married Gil, so yeah. . .there’s that. And of course the whole DUI debacle. But now I can honestly say that I’ve done time in the pokey, yo! Kinda maxes out my street cred.

There’s a reason I quit drinking, y’all. The Pain-Go-Bye-Bye Juice is whack.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken by Me and My Friends: Part 5

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:00 am

Truer words, Jen. Lesson learned–I’ve heard only a small amount about Gil, but it scares the fuck out of me.

Tricia November 16, 2011 at 11:27 am

One night after a bunch of vodka shots I was dancing on the bar with some friends (because that’s what classy girls do) and decided it would be a good idea to jump off the bar in high heeled boots instead of stepping down from a bar stool. Needless to say I did not nail my landing. To add insult to injury this all happened in front of the guy I was trying to hook up with AND I was helped off the floor by a man in a fringed jacket saying” cowboy up”.
Tricia recently posted..Girls Night In

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:01 am

I’m convinced that man in the fringe was actually an Angel.

Lynne November 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Not a drunk story, but your Geena Davis reference reminded me of Stewie’s (Family Guy) observation about her: “Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio.”

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:01 am

Her mouth ratio is about on par with Steven Tyler.

lisa from insignificant at best November 16, 2011 at 11:49 am

I NEVER do stupid things while I’m drunk.

For example the time I told my boyfriend I loved him (even though I didn’t) and thus sent our relationship kareening towards a break up? It obviously wasn’t meant to be, so that was just my way of not wasting time with the wrong man.

How about the time my friend Tom had to rescue me from “almost drowning” in a dog’s water dish? I was merely checking to make sure the dog had water by dipping my hair in the bowl to see if it would get wet. Duh.

OR

The time I told a good friend of mine who I knew had been crushing on me for 2 years that I liked him too, even though I didn’t. I was feeling vulnerable due to a bad breakup and in my drunken state I had confused that with me liking him. Now THAT is pure genius! I haven’t regretted that one for years! Nope, not me!
lisa from insignificant at best recently posted..Black Friday Giveaway!

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:02 am

I’m afraid to find out what would happen if you drank with people you DID like.

Paula @ thewilyweez November 16, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Hi, my name is Paula and I am the horrible drunk dancer which you speak of, but rather than repent for my drunk dancing sins, I will dance on because the world needs drunk dancers too.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..Hi, My Name Is Paula and I’m A Cased Meat Hooker

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:02 am

WE LOVE YOU, TINY BOOZE DANCER.

Dead Cow Girl November 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

My life is a drunk story. Seriously. When I had a straight job, I would walk in on Monday morning and my co-worker would say “So, how was your weekend?” and I would reply…

Why??? What did you hear?
Dead Cow Girl recently posted..But Porn Stars Can’t Read?!

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:03 am

I met you for the first time in August and you said that shit to me. Which made me love you, instantly.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 16, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I’m a big ol’ square. I DID once vomit on someone’s stairs (carpeted) and didn’t clean it up or don’t remember it if I did. But compared to these stories I may as well have been a sick toddler cause they do the same thing.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I Feel like My Cat is a Face Surrounded by Knives, and that’s What Matters

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:03 am

Be proud of having only nights you CAN remember.

Maggie November 16, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I’ve done tons of awesome/hilarious/sadly pathetic things when drunk. One time I sat in (and sank into) a tall garbage can… that was inside an elevator… that I rode up to my floor. I have pictures. No one had to convince me I was drunk at that moment. One of the first times I got drunk, I was a senior in high school and really REALLY worried that I wasn’t going to get into college. As this guy who I barely knew (and who I refered to as my Prince in Shining Armor) carried me to my DD’s car, I burst into tears and said OVER AND OVER “I’m never going to get into college NOW!” and was reminded of this by all of my “friends” when I got accepted into a pretty darn good school. Then I was driven home and broke a lamp. The end.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:04 am

I love the idea of colleges breath-testing you for booze before you’re accepted, because that field would be seriously narrowed down. Also, in my tired state, I just tried to spell field “feeld”

addtova November 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm

So this one time I was in Spain drinking absinthe with some Australians in a hostel, and I totally remember doing the shot, and the guys saying “maybe you should take it easy” the last thing i remember is grabbing a bottle of wine and saying “I’ll be fine” I woke up 12 hours later wrapped in a bed sheet naked and my hair was totally drenched and so was the pile of clothes next to me. Good times.
addtova recently posted..workout goals and ADD

Misty November 16, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I think that might be the best start of a story I have ever heard . . . I really want to be able to tell a story that starts with: “So this one time I was in Spain drinking absinthe with some Australians in a hostel.”

I think I love you.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

Jen November 16, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Will you marry me?
Jen recently posted..The Office Whore Must Die

Misty November 16, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I had dibs. Back off, bitch!

Ah, who am I kidding . . . we are all gonna get together and live as sister wives in Canada with Bradley Cooper at some point anyway, so we can share.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

addtova November 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Bring Nathan Fillion or the whole deal is off.

Oddly enough this is not the first blog comment marriage proposal that I have received this week…
addtova recently posted..workout goals and ADD

Jen November 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Pfft! I don’t go anywhere without Captain Reynolds. Today my friend Max brought me a Nathan Fillion action figure. It is majestic.
Jen recently posted..The Office Whore Must Die

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:06 am

@Tova: “I’ll be fine,” is your new autobiography title.

@Misty: SHE’S MINE.

@Jen: FUCK BALLS, Y’ALL.

Dani November 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm

It’s very easy to tell when I’m careening rapidly towards shit-balls drunks.

I am a normally soft-voiced person… I speak clearly, just softly. (A lot of my conversations involve people going, ‘What?? What??’ while I talk to them.)

Add alcohol and stir: Dani gets loud. Dani gets louder. Dani doesn’t think anyone can hear her unless she’s talking directly TO them, which means the fat whore with the bimbo hair-do standing behind her has NOOOOoooooo idea that she’s the topic of conversation, even though I’m bellowing about her muffin top and her back fat at the top of my lungs.

I also lose all inhibition and become everyone’s BFF. Chances are, I will drink your drink, smoke your cigarette (even though I don’t smoke), give your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/brother/sister/mother/father a lap dance and at some point, show you my boobs.

Go me!
Dani recently posted..Pommy Poop Parade

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:08 am

You’re on, what I call in my radness, the BoozeCoaster. I ride it, too, going from 0-60/nice-rager in 2 drinks flat.

Mandi E. November 16, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I have a bartending license so I would like a copy of your flowchart that I can give to bar patrons in keychain form. That way, when they pull out their keys to check and see how drunk they are, I can swipe them and call a cab. I will be damned to the bowels of hell if I’m going to let those future 12-steppers in my car.

I’ve spent most of my life being the designated driver, so I have very few drunk stories. There was the time that I visited Club Med when I was 23, wherein I spent the whole week in a perpetual alcoholic haze (all inclusive, FTW, Bitches!) and I was quite a social butterfly. And by social butterfly, I mean that there was a great deal of “sit in lap, hump furiously.” I was a popular girl that week, yo.
Mandi E. recently posted..You’d better stick the landing, or they’ll assume he beats you.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:09 am

Sit In Lap–Hump Furiously.

That’s Alaska’s sex ed program.

Johi November 16, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Everything I do is from a place of grace and beauty. Don’t listen to all those other people. You know, the ones who tell that story of me dressed as a Senorita in a bar on Halloween and a fight broke out on the dance floor. And then “supposedly” I jumped on the dude’s back because he punched my boyfriend and it was all black wig and finger symbols and puffy skirts flying. Those people were drunk and probably hallucinating because I am pure class, bitches.
Johi recently posted..Positive Reinforcement (ie: PRIZES)

Misty November 16, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I would never believe those fabrications, Johi! They are obviously lies created by those who are just jealous of your awesomeness. Besides, you are the classiest broad I know!
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

Jen November 16, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Pfft! Coming from you, Misty, that’s hardly a ringing endorsement.

Eh, who am I kidding; you’re one class-act beeyotch too. ;-)
Jen recently posted..The Office Whore Must Die

Misty November 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Back atcha! So, since we are all so goddamn classy & shit, maybe we should form some sort of club or something. Classy Bitches, Unlimited. We can be the founding members. All others get initiated… must have messes from kids or spouse/partner waiting for clean up, big dark bags under eyes that are puffy from lack of sleep, & must cuss incessantly. Recent shower is optional. Hey, with that description maybe we should change the name to Sexy Bitches, yes?
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

addtova November 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

you have to spell Klassy with a K.
addtova recently posted..workout goals and ADD

Misty November 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Duly noted.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

Johi November 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I’m in. Let’s do this shit.
Johi recently posted..Canine and Kid Training 101

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:11 am

@Johi: I feel like I might have witnessed that, but I was pretty drunk, too.

@Misty: So classy, it’s true. Johi is the height of lady-likeness. PS- You have the best ideas.

@Jen: You’re one to judge, Madam.

@Tova: That made me just irrationally angry. Not at you, but at the weird letter placement. I’m going to go sit and think about why that just happened.

kim at allconsuming November 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Well there was that one time at Friday night work drinks – drank too much, went home with the boss TO MEET HIS WIFE AND KIDS. Ate spaghetti bolognese, then, while sitting in their Ode to the Eighties lounge realised I was going to hurl onto their Ode to the Seventies white shag pile rug, so managed to wrestle my way out of the lounge to their toilet. Revisited the spag bol but unfortunately decided to do so into the miniature half sink rather than the toilet. Spent next what felt like hour trying to stuff regurgitated spag bol down the drain hole. Made a very hasty exit. Had to ask taxi to stop on the way home to hurl some more. Then there was more hurling in the shower at home. Boyfriend was so impressed with my behaviour. Particularly as it was the first ever Friday night drinks I’d ever been to – as I’d only started work at the company that week. What can I say, I’m all class.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:11 am

Your boss sounds like he’s super good at the social interaction. Way to keep it classy, Kim.

Jen November 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

And this one time. . .at band camp. . .
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:12 am

I played drums. We had sticks.

Not that I did anything with them.

nadine November 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Once in a while I get ridiculously and embarrassingly shithoused. It’s great and awful at the same time. The last time this happened, I was celebrating my divorce, and the highlights of the night were almost getting punched by a dude at the bar, bracing myself on someone’s Escalade and oh-so-delicately vomitting by the side of Second Avenue… and then, en route home, having my boyfriend stop the car so I could open the door and once again daintily puke in the middle of second ave, pissing off every cabbie that ever was.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:13 am

I need to know why a dude almost punched you, because GODDAMN, GIRL.

Luda November 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Does getting on a mechanical bull, the strap on my dress breaking, me not noticing until said bull ride ended and my boobs flopping around for the entire bar to see count as ‘doing something stupid while drunk’?
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:13 am

Oh. In Dallas, that’s Thursday.

Gia November 16, 2011 at 10:36 pm

I feel like I should print this out and bring it to work, for reference. Not that I drink at work. That would be wrong.

Sigh. I’m a dirty whore.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:13 am

Aren’t we all?

Christine November 16, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I grew up in a very controlling house, so I actually didn’t drink until I turned 21. That summer, I was living with my best friend to help her with her newborn while her husband was stationed away. Every other weekend or so, we would ask grandma to take the baby so we could have a party.

I was pretty good the first couple–learning my limits. Then one night this punkass Marine walks in, already drunk, and challenges me to shots of Jack. We got to eight before HE was the one making the mad dash for the restroom. Some might say I had an advantage, but I always say I won the drinking contest with a motherfucking Marine, because he knew what his handicap was going in, and he still started it!

I think my favorite part was that I was still OCD enough to be arguing proper grammar later that night with my friend’s little brother who had stayed sober …and I was right. Aw, YEAH. :D

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:14 am

I bow down, Madam, to your supreme skills. One drink and I’m buzzing hard, two and I’m shithoused.

KatieTheBlogLady November 16, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Why I have never! Get drunk? Enter a “dance” contest in Tijuana? Get down to my skivvies before realizing I was a fucking stripper trying to win a shot of one cent tequila? I would have PAID someone to tell me!

Geena Davis here on out. I’m about to get crunked up bitches!

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:15 am

Have I told you Adrian’s Tijuana story? It’s magical.

Carri November 16, 2011 at 11:34 pm

The answer will always be “YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM”.
Carri recently posted..Thanks For The Christmas Gift, Stupid.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:15 am

YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

AmyBlam November 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm

When I was in college, I was, to put it nicely, over-served. I was with my best guy friend and all of a sudden I was CONVINCED the floors at the bar had started to slant and I kept drifting backwards. After an hour of this, we realized I had somehow broken the heels off my boots-and lost them in the bar.
This was the 90’s. Heels were chunky. Breaking off two of them? Pretty good indicator of alcohol level.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:16 am

It took you more than an hour to figure that out? I must know what you were drinking, then.

Jessica November 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I’m one of those people that continually says “I’m fine,” and continues to steal shots off other people’s tables, then at 11pm wonders why I feel like I’m going to vomit my soul upon everyone on the dance floor. It was probably the dance-battle that sent me over the edge, not the 9 shots…25th birthday, you were good times.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:16 am

Adrian’s that guy, and then I find him facedown in a hallway talking about space.

Eejaye November 17, 2011 at 3:46 pm

So, you want me to watch Thelma & Louise until either I pass out or get taken to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Hmm….

Game on!

P.S. Can I watch with my dogs? I don’t have cats. I don’t want or need anymore self-centered, tempermental, shitting in a box creatures in my life. That’s what I’ve got kids for.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:16 am

Dogs are even more fun. GEENA ON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

bschooled November 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm

LO-OOVE this!!

Only instead of six face tattoos, I usually end up waking up next to the guy with only one tattoo, of his recently deceased wife, located on the same arm that has somehow ended up just two inches from my face.

I figure it’s the closest I’ll ever get to having a threesome.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:17 am

I love you more than you know, just based on this.

Tracy November 18, 2011 at 12:52 pm

When I’m drunk, I can no longer feel my teeth.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:17 am

Now I’m constantly concerned about whether or not I can feel my teeth ever.

Dirtycowgirl November 18, 2011 at 2:20 pm

So much I could say here. . . so many times.

But I don’t think this is the place to be sharing THOSE stories.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:17 am

OH IT IS.

Alli November 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

A couple of dumb things I have done while drunk:

Took a paddle boat out in the middle of a lake to swim, lost my clothes when they fell off the boat and into the lake, had to make the paddle of shame back to shore in soaked undies. Luckily I was able to borrow clothes from my host.

Tried to convince British police that I really, truly am in fact an American tourist who is really, truly *supposed* be staying at this nice couple’s house while they are out of town. Two problems – I could not remember their last name, and I couldn’t stop imitating their accent. Later I threw up in a skillet.

Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:18 am

I imagine that skillet was super fun to find in the morning. I hope you also found your dignity.

Tazer WP November 19, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I always do stupid shit when I’m drunk.

I just don’t remember.
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Noa November 22, 2011 at 1:19 am

Don’t remember, or don’t want to?

elizabeth- flourishinprogress December 1, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I found out recently that the way I can tell if I’m drunk is if I suddenly go from being really tired to “HEY Y’ALL WHAT’S UP LET’S GO DANCE TO TECHNO AND DO MORE SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS”

Also, I can usually be sure that I’m drunk if I’m getting kicked out of a LA club which may or may not have happened about 3.5 weeks ago.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: This one may kill me. Nice knowing you.

Noa December 4, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I go firmly in the other direction. One shot? LET’S FUCKING TEAR THIS SHIT UP. 4 shots? I’m asleep on the floor. I’m sixteen years old.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Not old enough to drink, and if I was I wouldn’t because the smell of most alcohol makes me want to gag (yes I’m THAT asshole).

But, a second-hand story

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm

GODDAMNIT.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm

Not old enough to drink, and if I was I wouldn’t because the smell of most alcohol makes me want to gag (yes I’m THAT asshole).

But, a second-hand story I have I don’t have all the details of, but basically after a long night of drinking, this guy decides he really, really, REALLY needed to get something from a particular gas station. So he calls a cab and tells him to take him to the nearest gas station. The taxi driver was a fucking trooper because he asked several times if he was sure he wanted to be driven to the gas station. And the guy kept insisting. So the cab driver drove him to the nearest gas station. 30 feet away. Across the street. Which the drunk guy then paid him $5o for doing even though it cost like $.10.

He swears it never happened, but his friends certainly never let him live it down.

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