I Couldn’t Look The Vet In The Eye And Say, “Angry Hymen.”

10/24/2011 · 213 comments

in Adrian, Grace, How Did My Life Come To This, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Meet the best dog ever, also known as MY NEW DOG.

I'm fucking adorable.

She’s a year-old, five-pound, snuggling little mutt with one blue eye and one brown eye. She is my new best friend. As cute as she is (which is the cutest ever. Ever.), the shelter gave her a terrible name, giving me the opportunity to alter the future forever by naming an animal.

The responsibility made me drunk with power. There are so many possibilities to fuck with people for the next 15 years, and I cannot pass up an opportunity to further damage my reputation in the building I live in. I know that the dog must be forever grateful that there are other people around to stop Adrian and I from naming her any of these:

  • Cross-Eyed Pete
  • Gigantor Tubbs McGee IV
  • L-A
  • Toothpick
  • Shithead
  • Vaginitis
  • Queefs McGillicuddy

I Don't Wanna Be Queefs McGillicuddy

  • Ambien
  • Tumor
  • Massive Head Wound Harry
  • Mary Katherine Ghallager
  • Churro
  • Helga Ungermeier
  • Rotunda
  • Captain Tightpants
  • Short Round
  • Tollbooth #7
  • Half-Pint
  • Mastodon
  • Leviathan
  • Kali-Ma
  • Dog.0
  • Chisa Tomodachi
  • Cracka
  • Batwing

Always with the vag jokes? I've been here 3 hours and it's played out.

  • Wizard Sleeve
  • Crotch Shot
  • One-Eyed Nan
  • Highway 121
  • Meatball
  • Barf
  • Sisterwife
  • J_______ Duggar
  • Verizzano
  • Voltron
  • Ol’ Trusty
  • Shotshotshotshots
  • Daewoo
  • John Bartholomew Rochester
  • TwattleDeeDee
  • Engine #32
  • Dark Helmet
  • Dallas North Tollway
  • YoSaffBridge
  • Lil Jon


  • Tall Tales Bertha
  • Wheedly Wheedly Wheedly
  • TWAT
  • Shifty-Eyed Mike
  • Butterface
  • Turkmenistan
  • Boxcar Willie
  • Gambit
  • Towanda
  • Stilwell Angel
  • Marla Hooch
  • White Trash Sally
  • The Holy Sacrament
And my all-time favorite:
  • Angry Hymen

You're Terrible.

There’s a new level of low when even your pets are ashamed of what you say.

Have you ever named a pet a weird name? Know someone who did? Never had a pet but have an awesome name for one? Tell me about them!

Side Note: The only word this dog responded to in 36 hours was Piccolo, so that became her name. It was as if she jumped on the first word after the cessation of the dick jokes. Piccolo came from the Texas A&M Clinic, where Grace’s friend Taryn was in charge of her for the week. Though Taryn fell in love with her, she was wonderful in letting Piccolo come to live with me and Adrian in Dallas. Thanks, Taryn–she’s the perfect dog!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: “I have a little rating system for funny. Not funny- I’m annoyed that I wasted my time when I could have been parenting my children again. Funny- I snort whilst reading. Really Funny- I openly guffaw and may or may not drool on the computer screen. Hi-Fucking-Larious- I make my husband sit and read (or listen to me read) the funny, taking breaks only to cry a little and wipe my tears. Jen is Hi-Fucking-Larious.”


Allison October 24, 2011 at 1:38 am

My cat’s name is Kali-Ma. Thank you for further embarrassing my poor feline via teh intarwebz XD

P.S. Marla Hooch and Mary Katherine Gallagher woulda been the SHIT. Also Dark Helmet. What IS her name?

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I wanted Kali-Ma based on the badass punishment possibilities, but Piccolo (her name) is absurdly smart, so there’s little punishment to be had. Sad.

Allison October 26, 2011 at 12:50 am

I whole-heartedly believe in naming animals after under-rated musical instruments. Rock on, Piccolo. Rock on.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:13 am

One year, I’ll get a bass saxophone for a mouse.

Andreaof9 October 24, 2011 at 1:39 am

We have horses and friends who have horses. Names: whiskey, puddin, horse, rooster, dog, blue magic (that lovingly called blue balls for the longest time til it wasn’t funny anymore…then once more for good measure), and my son’s favorite PP Montezuma

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:13 am

I once knew a mentally handicapped bunny named Puddin’. It’s a good name for almost every animal ever.

Jake October 24, 2011 at 1:44 am

Holy shit, you almost named that dog after my whole childhood (the movie references, not the dick jokes). And my drive to work. That dog is made of awesome.
Jake recently posted..Apocalypse Not.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:14 am

The dick jokes appear only later in life.

Jake October 26, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Eventually, you realize that they were always there. You just didn’t get them until later in life.

Also, our cat came with the name Oksana (she’s a Russian Blue), which we kept. Out of about 800 people who have asked her name, only two–TWO–have made the connection to the figure skater. Usually, we call her Sana, but she usually responds best to “Bratty Ass!” or “Really?”
Jake recently posted..Apocalypse Not.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Oksana? Is she a drunk?

Oh God, do you get that reference?

Jake October 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I seem to recall something about a DUI.

As for ours, we’ve wondered from time to time. She’s not so much graceful. Actually, she used to walk into walls and fall off things a lot.
Jake recently posted..Apocalypse Not.

Ciarda October 24, 2011 at 2:01 am

Hilarious as always Noa! I have four fur babies at home, 3 cats and a dog. The cats are Hansel, Gretal (they got out of it easy) and Turk Turkleton (yes i lived Scrubs) . My dog is called “Choo Choo all aboard the Ho Train” but since I call her Chewy for short people think I am a Star Wars geek instead of the closet whore I am!

shurikenboobs October 26, 2011 at 12:54 am

When I say the name Turkleton people LAUGH.
Maybe cause that’s not my name.
Not YET Turkleton, not YET.


Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:15 am

Choo Choo All Aboard The Ho Train?

Damnit. Now my dog’s name is crap in comparison.

Nadine October 24, 2011 at 2:03 am

My brother gave our childhood cat two names: MonkeyDevil and Kitty Dukakis. But somehow the rest of the family just called her Petey.

Meatball is a good name. My grandma had a cat named Meatball but I couldn’t pronounce it when I was little so I just called him Mico which is also a good name.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:16 am

Adrian can’t stop talking about the name Kitty Dukakis. He might rename one of our cats.

Eustice The Sheep (aka The Nice Lady) October 24, 2011 at 2:17 am

Our pets have proper names and then what they get called. Ironically our dog Merlin also picked his name (first thing he responded to after multiple days of having him). He also responds to Buddy. But he gets called Dorkbutt and Crazypants. Our 11 year old cat is named Dobby because I was told I could not have another cat so with his big green eyes (he was 1/4 pound when I got him) and giant ears I insisted he was a house-elf. However I often just call him Crazy or Freakshow and his full name has become Dobby-Quit-Being-an-Asshole. He opens cupboards and door knobs, throws books at Merlin, clears off the coffee table at midnight, and pukes seemingly at will.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:17 am

My cat Toby responds to his name and all of the following: Tobermeier Jones, Toblerone, TobyDoby, Fatass, Lardass, MoveGodDamnit.

Tazer WP October 24, 2011 at 2:34 am


No I haven’t named an animal something weird. I named my cat Stewie and it’s oddly apropos considering the Family Guy character of the same name.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:18 am

I love seeing TAZER, WARRIOR PRINCESS squee over a puppy. It makes me smile.

jessica October 24, 2011 at 3:07 am

First of all, ADORABLE! Ok…I have one cat with several names: Kitty, Kitty-Lu, Silly, Loulie, Fuckin’ Telulah, Lard Cat, Fat Bitch, Fat girl with a pretty face, and Shitass (because she’s too damn fat and lazy to wash her own ass so I have to do it ). I also have a dog with many names: Buckeye, Lord Buckington, Bucky Buckerton, Uncle Buck, Bucktard, Buckzilla, and Darkness. Amazingly they both respond to most of their names.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

I’m glad to know that other people have cat nicknames, too. My cat Toby has 5 nicknames, but Adrian’s cat Lela has only one–the mean cat.

iampisspot October 24, 2011 at 3:31 am

My furry feline friend has a normal name, however she has a multitude of nicknames – my favourite being Soab (sow-ab) – short for Son of a Bitch.

Because she is.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

You know what Adrian’s been calling my cat? Soab. Thank you.

Laura October 24, 2011 at 3:31 am

In the mid-1980s, I got two kittens and named them Feedback and Rim-Shot. The names were an obscure Doonesbury reference — they were mentioned once, in a strip that ran years before my kittens were born, as potential baby names. When my cats were about two years old, Feedback and Rim-Shot appeared in another Doonesbury cartoon. This was before everyone had Internet at home, so I got phone calls all day from people telling me that two Doonesbury characters had been named after my cats.

The cats I have now are Holly and Thunder. Holly was called “Holly” at the shelter, and it suited her, so I never changed her name. Thunder got his name because he can be really loud.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:24 am

I imagine Thunder being the smallest cat ever.

Laura October 27, 2011 at 9:16 pm

That’s what I was thinking when I named him — I’d hear what sounded like a herd of wildebeest running through my living room, and it would turn out to be this teeny tiny kitten. But he got the last laugh — he’s now a pretty big cat at 16 pounds (and, according to the vet, not overweight, just “solid”).
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I have a 13 pound cat who’s also not fat, and it fucks with my head that he’s three times what Piccolo weighs.

Kelsey October 24, 2011 at 3:44 am

That dog is seriously cute. Toothpick would have been a good choice, considering how long her legs are.
My rescue greyhound’s name is Earl. Earl Grey. Earl Grey Hound.
I adopted a puppy from the Mobile Cty, animal shelter last week, so I may have to theive one of these names for her, since I’m too damn tired to come up with something right now. The shelter named the puppy Ruth, but I end up calling her ‘Roofie’.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:25 am

My sister’s friend’s last name is Howell, so her sister named her baby yorkie Thurston Howell. She wants to get a cat and name it Lovie.

Grace October 26, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Actually, it’s Thurston B. Howell III, for completeness sake.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Why thank you.

Meg October 24, 2011 at 6:12 am

Shithead. Ever since I was a kid and saw the movie “The Jerk” for the first time, I’ve wanted to name a dog Shithead. I often threaten to change my dogs names. The only reason I haven’t, is because I have kids and what would they call the dog? PooPooHead just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:25 am

I once knew a dachshund named Poop. The parents really wish now that they wouldn’t have let their toddler name her.

A Vapid Blonde October 24, 2011 at 6:39 am

Dude, one dog of mine is named Piccola. And now your little girl is going to be gender confused because Piccolo is the boys version of the word. It’s Italian, so is our dog so it was that or MeatBall. She goes really well with our Corvette’s and gold chains.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:26 am

I imagine Piccola looking right at home on Jersey Shore.

Mandi E. October 24, 2011 at 6:55 am

When I was a kid, I had fairly normal names for my cats (Tiger, Sophie, Nibs) with the exception of the one we ended up calling Inky Bill, after his cold, black, murderous heart. That animal tried to kill me on the daily, no friggin’ joke. He would wait at the top of the stairs in some unknown hiding place (seriously, it was an EMPTY hallway) and dart in front of my legs as soon as I took my first step. He succeeded a few times in hurtling me down the stairs. I think my parents became legitimately concerned that he’d kill me because I came home one day to find the cat gone, and myself disinclined to ask questions.

Then again, all my childhood dogs were named after guns and criminals (Ruger, Winchester, Renegade), so maybe we drove the poor cat to it.
Mandi E. recently posted..I’m going to wake up one morning to find nuts stuffed in my tail pipe.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

Wow. That cat really did want you to die. I also love that your parents essentially put a hit out on your cat. I imagine your dad the next day at breakfast saying, “He knew too much.”

Hoody Hoo October 24, 2011 at 6:59 am

You wussed out, you big pusscake. Wait, is there still time for her middle name to be Pusscake?
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

I wanted to name her something cool, but the only thing she responds to is Piccolo. I’m sad.

Jen October 24, 2011 at 7:20 am

Ummm, Captain Tightpants for the win, my dear. We got a cat last year and named her Meyownce Knowles. She is the perfect accompaniment to my son’s lizard, Cee-Lo Greentail.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

Your son is awesome.

Mamy October 24, 2011 at 7:47 am

Yeah, my poor dog’s name is Bender Bending Rodriguez Hohenadel, named after Bender in Futurama. Thank God I got to pick our daughter’s name…in a drug induced fog{they were the legal ones; the doctor said so.}
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

YES. Thank you–I hope one day you’ll get a crab named Dr. John Zoidberg.

Jillian October 24, 2011 at 7:56 am

There was this girl in elementary school – everyone thought she was weird. Because of this weirdness everyone knew she had, she never got picked to play kickball, or red rover – thus making her cry and making gigantic snot bubbles form in her nose. One day my mother sees said snot bubbles, finds out who her mother is..arranges a playdate, I go over girl’s house. Her dog is there. It’s name is “nothing.” Girl might have been weird – but she was fucking hilarious.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

And that’s the birth of a great comedian.

Misty October 24, 2011 at 7:59 am

That is the cutest little ball of fur ever. I think Churro would have fit brilliantly.

And what, no twatwaffle? For shame, Noa. For shame.

*Stillwell Angel – Ha!*
Misty recently posted..Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of . . . port.

Misty October 25, 2011 at 8:13 am

Oh, and you also do realize, Noa, that this means you are responsible for another being’s existence on this planet now, right? Like, you have to keep that little adorable ball of fur alive and shit? Yeah, ok. Just checking.

Plus, at least with this list, you have a head start on picking baby names should you ever decide to get yourself knocked up. That’s the hardest part!
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Jen October 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Misty, I’ve disturbed enough by the concept of Noa keeping a small animal alive. Let’s not exacerbate the situation by mentioning actual HUMAN balls of flesh.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:32 am

I’m learning. It’s like I’m a girl scout earning a goddamn merit badge here.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:31 am

She’s very self-managing, so honestly, it’s not that bad. That’s the nice part of owning a tiny dog–low maintenance.

Stephanie October 24, 2011 at 8:12 am

We have 7 cats. There is “Kitty”, “Belthezar”, “Choo-Choo Bear”, “Dr. Smeagol Von Doom, PhD”, “Badger Nubbins”, “Col. Abner Chinopolis”, and “Shreddie Berzerker McWhiskerton (aka Baby Kitty)”. We also took it upon ourselves to re-name some of my Grandmother’s cats. “Snot”, “Mustachio”, “Prof. Ratigan Napier (aka Ratley)”, “Banshee” and “Fluffy Death Machine”. Reading all of those names in succession kinda makes us seem a little crazy. Ah, well. :)

Mandi E. October 24, 2011 at 9:16 am

My husband has a thing about wanting all future pets to have titles. Baron Whiskers von Meowsenstein. Dr. Squawk. Sir Pokey of Hedgehog. It’s really quite amusing, considering that A.) He won’t be getting half of the pets he wants. and B.) this is a man who plans on dissuading any of our future offspring from attending graduate school.

And because I’m clearly the only one thinking of the children in this relationship, I will also be responsible for their names.
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Jennifer October 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Bless you for having seven cats. Now I feel less insane.

Stephanie October 24, 2011 at 9:38 pm

According to my husband just now, he wants to name our next cat “Bloodthirsty Slaughter Monster”. He’s sure it’ll be the cutest cat ever. :) Oh, and we named a friend’s dog “Conan the Dogbarian”.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:03 pm

I’m so jealous of your friends.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:32 am

I love your descent into ridiculous names. Thank you for that.

Dani October 24, 2011 at 8:36 am

As soon as I see a puppy I lose every trickle of cool cred I’ve managed to stock up over the years and I start talking baby talk and saying shit like “IT’S A PUPPYYYYYY OHHHHH HER SOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!! KISSESSSSS FOR DA PUPPPYYYYYY!”

GOD I hope no one saw that.

When my son was 3 we got him his very own dog. He was a black fluffy border collie and my son named him Batdog. We tried very hard to get him to name him something… anything… else, but nope. Batdog. At first I felt like a moron standing outside screaming, “Here Batdog! Come here, boy!” but then I got into it and would sing the whole “Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BAT DOGGGG!” every time I said his name. Which wasn’t annoying. At all.

Second most inappropriate name for a pet: We took my middle son to get a kitten from the humane society. Of course he overlooks all the precious, adorable, fluffy little kitties mewling for his attention in all the “look at me” cages and heads straight to the back, where he picks out the scrawniest, ugliest, hairless, most pathetic looking FULL GROWN CAT in the entire shelter and says “I want that one!!” I tried unsuccessfully to talk him out of it for at least half an hour while showing him all the other really cute kitties WHO ACTUALLY HAD HAIR and he was adamant. Finally I relented and the shelter lady, who looked relieved as she gave us all our documentation, said, “What are you going to name him?”
My sweet little boy looked at her with his big green eyes and said sweetly, “I’m going to name him Fluffy.”
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Mandi E. October 24, 2011 at 9:18 am

Your kid is suitably twisted and awesome for my liking.
Mandi E. recently posted..I’m going to wake up one morning to find nuts stuffed in my tail pipe.

Dani October 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I’m terrified of what he will name his child. I’m really afraid he’ll name it after his truck. Or check out Noa’s list of names and go, “Mom, I’m naming my daughter Ambien, after you.”
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am


Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

@Dani: Next time I need something named, I’m calling your kid.

Dani October 24, 2011 at 8:38 am


Jim Dog Duggar would have been most excellent. I adore the Duggar Bobs. No really. I think they should have 20 MORE kids.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am


Fucking brilliant.

Mrs. P October 24, 2011 at 8:44 am

You got a dog you got a dog you got a dog!!! Yay!!! (Too many exclamation marks this early in the AM? Yes.)

Mr. P named the Basset. While you know him by his nickname, his legal name is “Jebediah Aloysius”. So, there’s that.

Of course, the other one has had her name augmented to “Bellanoshe’snotnamedafterTwilight”.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:39 am

I fucking love Mr. P just for that.

Also, I’m so sorry about the Bella crap. I’m sure, by now, you must hate Twilight more than anyone else in the world.

Heather Rose October 24, 2011 at 8:52 am

Did you ever read Freakonomics? There was a story about a kid named Shithead, but it was pronounced “Shuh-teed.” Until the uncle reported the mother for child abuse, I think. “Ah-shoh-lee” would work well, too. Spelled ‘asshole’ of course.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:39 am

Asshole Gavin.

I like the sound of that.

Maggie October 24, 2011 at 9:04 am

That is the cutest of all puppies ever. Her EARSSSS!

My boyfriend and I named one of our kittens Thaddeus after Danny McBride’s character in Your Highness because our Thaddeus also has the most dashing mustache. We call him Baddeus when he is being naughty.

PS- I love your blog, it is one of the only things that keeps me from falling into a pit of despair and broken dreams at my You’re-Just-a-Receptionist-No-One-Loves-You job.

Chris October 24, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I love you Maggie!

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:40 am

Her ears operate totally independently of whatever she’s doing at the time. Sometimes they stick out perfectly horizontal like Yoda. It’s fucking awesome.

Also, I love that you read my blog. I’ll do what I can to keep you laughing.

Kelly October 24, 2011 at 9:33 am

I. LOVE. HER. I’m also really wanting another dog, so I will be sure to refer to the above list for potential names when that time comes. I’m also really wanting another kid, so we may have to have a contest or something.

My dog’s name is Roxie, because that is the only thing she responded to. However, her more common name is “com’ereyoufuckingfuck” because she’s getting old and bitchy and ate one of the stairs. She had food in her bowl. I don’t fucking get it. A stair? Could you have eaten something that belongs to us, like the recliner? Nope, a fucking STAIR. I’m so not in the mood to lick landlord ass, either.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

She just..she ate a whole stair?

A whole stair?

What…just…awesome? I guess?

Kelly October 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

Well, part of the actual stair, and the majority of the carpet. And part of the baby gate. When she wants upstairs, she wants upstairs, gawdammit!!

I feel that I must say she’s only 25 lbs. I might rename her Carpet Muncher or Paul Bunyan. Or Splinter, as in the mystical rat on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dear Lord, the possibilities are endless. WHERE IS MY DAMNED NEW DOG?!
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Why is that dog NOT named carpet muncher?!

another sue October 24, 2011 at 9:36 am

I once named a dog Saa (pronounced say). Simply so that I could go to the door to call her, ” Here Saa!”. That was deemed strange in some circles, but it tickled me each and every time, and I need whatever humor I can muster in this challenging life. As do we all.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:42 am



Heather Heartless October 24, 2011 at 9:44 am

We once had a German Shepherd named Nekkid.

If the dog got loose, it lead to a lot of confusion for anyone I spoke to.

“What are you doing?”

“Going to get Nekkid.”


“Walking Nekkid down the street.”

I’ve also had a plan for a few years to start a farm and name all of my animals inappropriate food related names.

Horses: Kibbles, Bits, and Elmer.
Cows: Del and Monico.
Pigs: Bacon and Pork Chop.
Chickens: Nugget and Hot Wing.
Lambs/Goats/Sheep: Curry and Kabob.

I suppose I could refer to my cats and/or dogs as Chinese Chicken.
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Noa October 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

I think Pink named her dog Fucker so whenever she went anywhere with him, she got to say, “STOP IT FUCKER.”

I’m jealous of both of you.

Jaclyn October 24, 2011 at 10:05 am

If you ask me, Churro was the clear winner. My cat? We call her Kitty. Because I decided I hate the name I gave her.
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Dani October 24, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Which is exactly why I called our cocktatiel “that stupid bird” for 14 muthafuckin years… because I knew my kids had named him something stupid and I could never remember what it was.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:04 pm

We had a cat named Kitty, too, but mostly because she was a barn cat and my stepdad said, “DON’T GET TOO ATTACHED TO HER.”


Jaclyn October 24, 2011 at 10:07 am

OH, and my daughter is pretty convinced the dog’s name is Asshole. Every time she walks over to pet him she says asshole… then she started calling every dog she sees on the street asshole too. I blame my husband.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Your kid is awesome.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 24, 2011 at 10:23 am

The rescue I work for uses a theme every month for names so we won’t have too much repetition. We’ve actually had a Mary Katherine Gallagher come through during SNL month. The dog we adopted from them was named Edward G. Robinson – dead actors month. We kept the name. But he goes by “Ed.”
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:07 pm

See, this dog was named Pebbles when we got her. I wish she had been in your rescue.

Andi October 24, 2011 at 10:44 am

Awwwww, cute puppy! I like your method of picking the dog’s name, as I’ve known a lot of animals who don’t seem to recognize their own names. We inherited our cats from another family, so Lila and Crystal came pre-named. Lila answers to her name (and it suits her) but Crystal might be the spawn of Satan — jury’s still out — and doesn’t recognize her name so we’ve taken to calling her whatever we like.

Current favorites are Starbuck, Cujo and Bitchplz.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:08 pm

It took us 3 days to name her. At that point, we’d have called her nipple infection if she’d have answered to it.

Luckily, she didn’t, because nipple infection was also on the table.

DevilsHeaven October 24, 2011 at 10:52 am

OMG. Makes me want to go home and snuggle my puppy!!! I liked Short Round. Our Puppy has selective hearing. I can be sitting right next to her saying her name and she pretends not to hear. But damned if she cannot hear me open the fridge from the other side of the house. The shelter named her Sally from Peanuts. That lasted 2 seconds. Like everyone else we call her everything but the name we gave her. My husband calls her Stinky Butt.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:10 pm

My sister’s dog Lilly is deaf, so instead of selective hearing she’ll just turn around so she can’t see your commands. She’s a shithead.

Sarah October 24, 2011 at 10:52 am

I am so naming my next pet Tall Tales Bertha. Or One-eyed Pete.
Or maybe Pistol Pete. Probably TT Bertha. Unless it’s a female.
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Mandi E. October 24, 2011 at 11:03 am

I read TT as “titties.” Titties Bertha. Bitch Tits Bertha. Either one would be a kick ass name for any well-nippled dog. Arrive home from work- “Titties! Hello, Titties! Good Titties! I love the Titties!” Calling out the back door – “Bitch Tits! C’mere, Bitch Tits! Can someone please find my Bitch Tits?”

I live to find endless hilarious and inappropriate ways to alienate my neighbors wherever possible.
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Jaclyn October 24, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Bitch Tits. No really. Why were we not commissioned to name this dog? Because everyone would have voted for Bitch Tits.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:11 pm

@Sarah: I love pistol pete. He needs some tiny spurs.

@Mandi: Titties Bertha would be an AMAZING dog name.

@Jaclyn: Your cat has a new name, doesn’t she?

Dana the Biped October 24, 2011 at 11:19 am

Awesome. No, really. Short Round? Love it. I’ve got a pomeranian/chihauhua mix (or possibly just a really inbred rat) named Prada. She has three legs. If her shelter name hadn’t suited her so well, I’d have renamed her Cassidy, as in Hopalong. Also, I’m dressing her as Frankenstein’s monster for Halloween.

My cat’s name is Stink. Really.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I had a cat named Cheesy Poof once. It seemed fitting that he was a huge fatass.

Fiona October 24, 2011 at 11:28 am

Well, I guess Piccolo is easier to say with a straight face than Angry Hymen.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Decidedly less fun, though.

Bananaride October 24, 2011 at 11:32 am

My mom and I came up with two fabulous dog names while shopping at a Walmart in East Texas one day:

Crapbag Swampgas
Douchebag Garterbelt

Who wouldn’t want to take those two to the vet or a local dog park?
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

And now I have Princess Consuela Bananahammock running through my head.

Jennifer October 24, 2011 at 12:12 pm

My pets have pretty boring names…Karen, Janey, Sophie, Walter, Gunther, Sunny, Hendrix & Princess Talula of Licktenstein.

BUT Walter was a stray, whore, knocked-up cat that someone dumped at our house. After I had her spayed & went to pick her up after the surgery the conversation with the vet went like this:

Me: I need to pick up Walter.
Vet: What procedure was he here for?
Me: To be spayed.
Vet: You mean neutered.
Me: No, I mean spayed.
Vet: No, you mean neutered.
Me: Walter is a girl, so if you neutered her I am totally not paying that bill.

Jessica October 24, 2011 at 12:46 pm

That is awesome. Walter is a whore. I’m delighted by this! Thanks for sharing.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:13 pm

I really hope Talula’s full name is on her tag.

Jennifer October 31, 2011 at 10:10 am

She has a large tag. So her name will fit :)

Lana October 24, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I can’t believe she didn’t respond to Wheedly Wheedly Wheedly! That’s awesome!! Abby would have been really good too. Anyways she is adorable.

Grace October 26, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I wish we would have thought of Abby!!! But you would always have to say it with a lisp. “Abby, Abby come ower hewer!”

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:14 pm

And then each time I shouted at her, I would smile.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:14 pm

FUCK. Abby would have been perfect.

I was really gunning for wheedly wheedly wheedly but she actually turned around on the suggestion.

A Morning Grouch October 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

That sounds like one smart ass dog. (SAG could be a fun nickname, and will only become more suitable, the older she gets.)
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm

She’s terribly smart. She learns commands very quickly, but also how to manipulate me just as quickly.

But her hears…her ears kill me.

Karen October 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm

A very good friend named his dog Askim. As in “Ask him.” It leads to a lot of funny/awkward conversations.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I love your friend. That’s awesome.

Chris October 24, 2011 at 3:29 pm


Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm


blondie October 24, 2011 at 4:38 pm

She is adorable.
My dog is Doc Holiday (although for awhile as a puppy, his nickname was stink, poop, pee). It’s been a pretty good name.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I assume his nickname is Huckleberry.

miakoda October 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

So cute! And so many good names from everyone. I’m jealous. My boyfriend insists that if we get a pet, it will be named Roscoe Avocado. (Any Sims 2 fans?…sigh.)

I’m holding out for a beagle named Bagel, myself.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:16 pm


He was adorably fat.

addtova October 24, 2011 at 4:53 pm

So not really a name of a pet but my brother some time back was eally into playing online games like world of warcraft and Diablo. I guess he was good? Or something mut his picture/ screen name was mittens the kitten (with an accompanying adorable kitten photo) so that when he killed someone it would say “you have been defeated by Mittens the Kitten” And that shit is just embarrassing.

He did advocate for us to name out cat either “Megatron” Or “vvvVVVVvvv” (sounds like the noise a kazoo makes)

I cannot wait to find out what he names his kids.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Have you ever seen Bill Hader as Stefan on SNL? I imagine your brother naming his animals like Stefan names clubs.

Steve D October 24, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Seriously, congratulations. Our one and only dog so far was named Simba (courtesy of our son), for his poofy hair. His real name should have been “wuss dog.” But we did love him, oh my. My wife’s best friend had a Yorkie-Miniature Pinscher mix – now there’s a mating I’d like to have seen. He had random spikes of hair all over the place and was absolutely manic. His name was Frazz. Picture what comes to mind when you say “Frazz” and you got it. His alternate name was Ratbert.

Our first cat was PITA (Caps because its an acronym – catronym? – for Pain in the @$$). The vet asked about the name because they used the same acronym. She existed in two modes: in heat and pregnant, so spaying was never an option. We kept one of her kittens and called him Punk because he had cattitude as a kitten, but he was the most loving cat ever. Next came Aloysius and MacGillicuddy. Our present cat is a beautiful silky black cat. We figured she needed something regal and exotic, so her name is Nefertiti. We’re thinking it’s puppy time again.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Piccolo is 1/2 whippet 1/2 dachshund, which means she’s the gangliest motherfucker I’ve ever seen.

Your cat’s name makes me hungry for Pita chips.

HAH. Hungry for pussy.

Feryx October 24, 2011 at 6:34 pm

When I was a kid, I named my dog “Winky” not knowing what it meant. She promptly decided to get lost and I ran around screaming “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY WINKY??? I LOST MY WINKYY!!!”
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iampisspot October 26, 2011 at 9:50 am

I actually snorted reading your comment! Bahahaha!
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Feryx October 27, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Adrian suggested Weiner as well, so he could say, “I have to take out my weiner.”

Sometimes…sometimes he’s funny.

shurikenboobs October 24, 2011 at 6:51 pm

….Is “piccolo” NOT a dick joke??

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm


Gena October 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I’m somewhat disappointed that you didn’t go with Massive Head Wound Harry.

As for my own strange pet name story, my ex-husband and I once kept a pair of hamsters named Jules and Vincent. I now have a cat named Neko, which is basically Japanese for “cat,” but he also goes by “Assface,” “Furburger” and “Buttlick.”
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I have so many new nicknames for my cat. C’mere assface!

Lady B October 24, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Here is the deal. Piccolo needs a monocle.

She looks like she probably speaks in an Italian accent and is a disgraced former Marquesa whose parents were thrown out of aristocracy for creating a ponzi scheme and stealing millions from peasants in their Italian valley.

So. Monocle. Possibly some sort of cape. And Rosetta Stone tapes to teach you Italian cause she is never going to learn to sit if you’re speaking the wrong fucking language.

Lady B recently posted..Let us have a frank conversations about hats

Jackie G October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

This all makes perfect sense to me.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Oh shit.

I’ve just sent an email to Doggles for a specialty commission.

mark @ yelling near you October 24, 2011 at 7:57 pm

A friend chose to name his white long-haired rescue cat “Charmin-Ultra.” The shelter wasn’t impressed but that didn’t deter him. Best pet name I ever knew.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:21 pm


Best. Name. Ever.

k-dawg October 24, 2011 at 8:08 pm

OMG, she’s precious! I just got a pup from a shelter two weeks ago and they could be twins! Is she a Chihuahua mix? Adorable. Name her Dirty Whore.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

I wanted to, but Adrian managed to convince me that if we ever have kids, it’d be tough to explain to teachers why our son is bringing Dirty Whore to show-n-tell.

sowakeup October 24, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I had a dog named Milo Cochon Gron-Gron (pronounce with an enthusiastic, throaty french accent). In English, that’s Milo Pig Oink-Oink, but there’s not really any fun in that.
I also adopted a little batshit crazy chihuahua-dachsund-something mix who was named Sanity, but I thought it was a stupid name so I called her Fink. Finky Finklestein.
Cats: Alice Cooper and Pork Sword.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

You just…you just glossed over PORK SWORD.

That’s not something to just not mention.

Jillian (The Other One) October 24, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Stillwell Angel just got added to my list of future pet names. Thank you! It’s right after my first cat named Jeffry (Not like the giraffe from Toys R Us, but from a poem by a 17th century prisoner locked up for mental illness. Naturally.) We have a dog who was originally going to be named Carlisle Winthrop Hakim XIV. He wasn’t very royal, what with the large tufts of fur on his butt, so he was named Moe. But apparently “Moe” was still not important enough, so he became Moses Isaiah because he’s so…biblical? I also know someone with a dachshund named Chuck Norris– Nora for short. And then there was my goldfish named Hershey. I don’t remember why I named him Hershey, but I do remember that he only had one eye so he would only swim around the fish bowl in one direction…

And of course, Piccolo is just precious!!
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:23 pm

One Eyed Hershey.

Sounds like a penis nickname.

Ninja Mom October 24, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I love that pup. Piccolovely!

We have dogs named Bonnie and Clyde, who, in an incestuous turn of events, are siblings. Also, shitty bank robbers, for shame. Oh, we tried. We tried . . .

My husband, because we are Red Sox fans, wanted to name them Fenway and BoSox and I would have allowed it except I didn’t like the idea of being married to a tool (it was 2001 and “tools” were still at large).

Now, I think when the dogs shuffle off this mortal dog bed, we’ll get goldfish. We can name them Dolpin Safe and Albacore. Or Fuck Dribble and Dick Cheese, because they are fish. Fish don’t have play dates at the fish park and I don’t have to worry about scarring Janey Pigtails when I yell, “Dick Cheese! Stay!”
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm


Margaret Goerig October 24, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Love her. Congratulations.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Thank you!!

Candace October 25, 2011 at 12:07 am

I have a cat named Prozac. He spent several years taking Prozac for his anxiety. My pharmacist thought it was hilarious.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm

It’s a good thing you didn’t name her Herpes.

cheri October 25, 2011 at 7:58 am

My next TWO dogs are going to be named “Dammit” and Fucker”.
This way when I yell at them they will know my displeasure and get a command; like;
“Dammit, Fucker, COME HERE”! heh, I will say they names are Greek for “joy and happiness” !

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:25 pm

You have to say it with a fake accent then. “They’re Greek names! GOOD NAME! GOOD DOG!”

In my head, it was accented. Sorry ’bout that.

Monica October 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

I named my cat The Fatass, because everything is better when you slap an article in front of it. And because she’s a tub of lard.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I want to be your vet.

Paula @ thewilyweez October 25, 2011 at 10:27 am

That might be the cutest dog ever…
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

I concur.

Kernut the Blond October 25, 2011 at 12:02 pm

She’s so cute! I love the name Piccolo!

I’m terrible at naming my pets, so we’re not going to go there.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Based on your cluv post title, I’d never have known.

Jen October 25, 2011 at 12:15 pm

What about Gnarls Barkley. Too obvious?
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

We know a dog named that, sadly. Taken…

Angie Uncovered October 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Awww I don’t have any funny pet names in my past, but your new pooch is adorable!
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Jessica October 25, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Before I came into existence my parents got a dog and named it Baca, where that name came from I have no idea, but they always called her Zero, because that was clearly her IQ.

When my old roommate moved out to live with her future hubby, my other roommate and I got her a fish as a parting gift. Name – Mr. Sashimi. Considering it was a pet store beta fish, I think it fit.

Piccolo is quite adorable I must say. I’m still saddened that Mastodon didn’t make the cut.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Piccolo was almost named Zero after Jack Skellington’s dog, but seeing as how she’s not white, it would have been awkward.

Jaime October 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm

omg she’s adorable.. I’m super jealous!

I named my first ever pet Snoopy… a female siamese kitten my parents got me when I was five… to this day I have NO idea why I named her after a male dog from Peanuts… but it seemed to fit.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I think it’s…strangely fitting a well. Applause.

ColinP October 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

What about Jesus? Then you can quote from the Big Lebowski at will: “No one fucks wit da Jesus.”

or how about Incontinentia Buttocks?
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Adrian looks so much like Jesus that some people honestly just refer to him as jesus. It would be too confusing.

Miss Lu October 25, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I have an all white, jack russell crack-dog I found in a gutter.

Her name is Chainsaw Dynamite.

She, like any combination of a chainsaw and dynamite, is useless and spastic and liable to destroy everything you own.
And I love her so very much.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

That’s the best name never for a Jack Russell.

Johi October 25, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Obviously I’ve already forgotten the name that you selected, which is no matter because your dog will forever be Angry Hymen to me.
P.S. She is adorable.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Angry Hymen she shall be.

Sarah October 25, 2011 at 5:04 pm

We named our Siamese kitten Chairman Meow. My cat that I’ve had since middle school is just named Khat, and our dog is Splinter. We adopted him from a shelter and he had a torn ear, so my husband named him after TMNT’s Master Splinter.

I’m not sure where you live, but keep this dog away from Mid TN, because I will steal her given the option. She’s beautiful!
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm

I LOVE Chairman Meow. Love it.

Sara October 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

We have a cat named John Meowkavich and a Dog named Anderson Pooper. :)

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm

There’s a lot of gay jokes in that last one, but I can’t do it. I can’t.

Tara@DoTheseKidsMakeMeLookCrazy? October 25, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Okay, we had a cat named Patrick. But our last name sounds like the last syllable of the word “venus” and we’d tell people that we named him Patrick so his email address would sound like “penis” (if he combined the first letter of his first name with his last name).

I know. We’re brill.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm

I fucking love it. I’m jealous.

April October 26, 2011 at 1:44 am

Piccolo is super-cute. I do wish, though, that he’s answered to Captain Tightpants… ah, well. I once had a cat named Elvis The Kittyman. He answered to Elvis and to Kittyman. Only the vet called him by his full name. My current kitty’s official name is Pussy Galore. She, however, will only answer to Gigi.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I wish Cap’n Tightpants had worked out well, too. I was so sad.

-Vince October 26, 2011 at 9:34 am

My cat’s name is Potato
//Ralph Wiggam voice

…seriously. it is.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I’m crying over here.

kokopuff October 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

Piccolo Cazzo means little dick in Italian. In case you were looking for a nickname. (Testa d’Cazzo is dick head; maybe file that away for future reference).

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

And now we have a nickname.

Jackie G October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

My cats name is Galaticus Harlow, Destroyer of Worlds. We just call her Harlow.

She also answers to “HarlowCat”, “Dickfuck”, “Retard”, “GETOUTOFTHEFUCKINGWAY”, and “boobookittyfuck.”

We’re fun.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Why did I not think of Destroyer of Worlds?!

Jackie G October 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Rookie mistake, Noa.

Mary October 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Um yeah, there was nobody in our lives to tell us NOT to name our cats Stink Butt and You Stupid Bastard and if we did, not to put it on their collars. Not so funny when neighbor kids who come over sometimes start to read… what does b a s t a…. spell? Ask your mom.

What is funny is when the vet office insists on calling the “patients” name instead of the person who is paying the bill. Ha. They cant understand you but everyone adult here is slightly offended, just the way I like it.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I like your style, Mary.

Jess October 27, 2011 at 1:54 am

I had a guinea pig called Possibly Clive once. He was like Shrodinger’s guinea pig– is it or is it not his name?

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

HAH. Well played, Jess. Well played.

Bethany October 27, 2011 at 1:20 pm

We have a Bichon who likes to celebrate shitting on the living room floor. Her government name is Jojo, but she is more commonly referred to as “white devil.” Our little cocker spaniel is named Lulu, but because she is a fat ass she now goes by “moose.” Its ironic and funny.
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Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I love that you call it her Government Name, like her slave name. That just made my whole day.

Tracy October 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Dying laughing. We call our black lab, carson: Carsonian Democracy, Tap Dance Kid, Alfonso Ribiero, Banana Boat Song, Chinese Chicken, Chump Change, Banana Boat Captain, Snoogepop, Submarine Captain and Lumps & Bumps. People without pets just don’t get it.

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm

You’re laughing at MY list? Holy shit, friend, you win the pet names game.

kris October 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm

We adopted the sweetest little calico 6 yrs ago, they had named her “Winnie”. Within hours she was renamed Crazy Sadie the Kitten Lady, aka Sadie for short…6 yrs later has now evolved into PussPuss, Sadie Lou, Sadie loo-boo, Sadie Poo, Stinky, Bee-otch, Punta, Gato, Sadie baby, and of course God damn cat. She filleted my hand tonite, so dead furball would also be appropriate. But when I was growing up we had 17 cats, I can remember Bearcat, Holly Hobbie, Peaches, Wheatpuff, Jimi Hendrix, Scooter pie dumplings, Butterscotch, Boo-Boo, and the rest elude me…thank god for that, yeesh.

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:21 pm


Sadly, we now refer to her as scraggs (thanks to a food allergy causing her to lose all her hair) and BitchKitty.

Non-Crisped Texan October 30, 2011 at 4:24 am

Passed on friend had a beagle named stains, just so he could irritate his wife by standing in the yard and “calling her, perhaps using the word ‘come’ in the process of calling her. He may have blown up in a high tension line accident, and a lot of people have forgotten his name, but NOBODY ever had forgotten him yelling at her when she’d run off and he wanted her to come home. RIP Steve and Stains.

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Come stains.

That’s amazing.

TurnScoot October 31, 2011 at 3:00 am

My cats hate me:

Gato De Negro
and my newest little ball of fur

Vanilla Ice Ice Kitty.

I think this is why the poof fur on my pillow and shit on my shoes.
TurnScoot recently posted..I was being a wuss….

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Toby gets all offended when I call him lard-ass, but when he lays on his back and his fat spreads around, he asks for it.

tavie November 2, 2011 at 9:46 am

What about Tits McGrits…..or Pancake Titties….or Tits’n’Shits…Shits McGrits

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I’m taking notes now.

kitty November 8, 2011 at 10:25 pm

We have three dogs: the corgi Spencer (full name Dammit Spencer Stoppit), the scruffy 5 lb chihuahua Tuna (full name Petunia, BabyGirl, Puppy) and Skip aka Skip the Dip, a strange amalgamation of chihuahua and possibly Min Pin. or hellhound. basically a chi on stilts.

Noa November 15, 2011 at 11:57 am

I just imagined a tiny, shivering chihuahua on giant stilts and I am filled with glee.

Janeen November 16, 2011 at 12:38 am

as much as pretty much ANYTHING relating to cats, women, chocolate or christmas sweaters piss me off more than anything i can think of (this would be made worse if i lived in a cubicle and had posters of cats or watercolored Native American princesses on the wall…and maybe some joke posters with things like “I must get Organinized” o them…)…wait, i digress – my best cat name was SmashFace, god bless that ugly cat

Noa November 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I imagine that cat must have been the best cat of all.

Vickie Johnson December 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I named our dog Bruce Knuckle… I couldn’t resist! You know, like moose knuckle or whatever! hahaha He’s a bulldog so it fits him well I think!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm

That. Is. Amazing.

Mark January 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

A really angry dog? I have dog to and i call jack, sorry for all of you i your name jack :p
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Noa January 30, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I have no idea what just happened here.

kameng January 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Link nyoe ata di jok le si mark. Di peugah di yu komen ube be galak ate.. Nyoe na ku peduk link saboh. bek ka remove.. Jeut keu ureung bek kriet that. Btw, kah pakeun galak keu ase le ?
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Noa January 30, 2012 at 8:02 pm

I love when Spam comments get through like this one, because I wonder what Akismet is thinking when it constantly blocks Jana but lets you assholes through.

Fabiola February 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm

My cats legal name is Miss Kitty but @ home she’s called saggy puss, puss puss, or stinky puss.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I call my cat Fatass.

Arlen May 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm

Hello, just wanted to say, I loved this article.
It was practical. Keep on posting!
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