What You Mean To Say Is, “I’m Fucking Awful.”

10/10/2011 · 138 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

When You Say: “I really think Korn is a high-quality musical group.”
I hear: “My life has had so little meaning up until this point that I feel Korn is an excellent cultural choice. I’m ready to die.”

When You Say: “I’m going to school to study home furnishings.”
I hear: “I’m punishing my parents for being chaperones at my senior prom where they caught me blowing the offensive line in the bathroom.”

When You Say: “Ugh, I’m on my period this week.”
I hear: “Seeing as how I say this every week, I’m not planning on being anything but a fucking whore every time you speak to me, using a cockpocket hemorrhage as cover.”

When You Say: “I’M SO RANDOM AND CRAZY!”
I hear: “I frequently consult 1950’s racial joke books before I leave for an outing with friends so that I can remain the funny one. The louder I shout, the funnier I feel. WAKKA WAKKA.”

When You Say: “Sarah Palin is a true American.”
I hear: “I FUCKING LOVE TO SHOOT SHIT OUT OF THE SKY.”

When You Say: “I really connect with reality television.”
I hear: “I also enjoy telling my cat about my loneliness issues and masturbating with a fudgesicle while dreaming of Mr. Darcy.”

When You Say: “I’m a vegan.”
I hear: “My house smells like patchouli, lost hope and Ambien. Hold my Pabst while I take a hit.”

When You Say: “If Wal-Mart doesn’t have it, I don’t need it.”
I hear: “Purposefully, none of my shirts have sleeves and all of my hats I received from a used-car lot. I also understand all of the rules of Nascar.”

When You Say: “I never let my children watch any television.”
I hear: “I’m a goddamn liar. My kids drink coke with a baby bottle and are monstrously out-of-control asshats-in-training.”

When You Say: “I’m in school for my MRS degree.”
I hear: “I have a significant amount of irreparable daddy issues that only years of whiskey and passive aggression can heal.”

When You Say: “I don’t own a television.”
I hear: “I’m a self-important fuckrug who beats off to American Psycho.”

When You Say: “I think stripping is degrading to women everywhere.”
I hear: “While I can recognize that it just may be the most white-trash employment option since the 1950’s, I’m jealous of those bitches and their absurd athleticism.”

When You Say: “I only spent 5 minutes on my hair and makeup today. I look so ugly!”
I hear: “I spent the better part of 4 1/2 hours doing my hair and makeup, and the remaining time carefully matching my outfit just so I could say this today in the break room in front of Todd from accounting. Notice me so I can deny you and seem humble.”

When You Say: “Have you heard the good news about Jesus?”
I hear: “I’m doing penance for the time I got super-jacked in Vegas and contracted Hep C and an unknown Indonesian Rectal Virus by telling you about the Jeez.”

What do you hear when people say ridiculous shit?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Monica: “Excellent blog. If you’re going to slurp cock, he needs to munch carpet. That’s what my momma used to say, anyway.”

 

Kella October 10, 2011 at 12:22 am

Until now, I wasn’t aware that Ambien had a smell. I presume you lit it on fire to test this prior to blogging? As for lost hope, I think it smells remarkably like the thick layer of dust covering my Wii Fit system.

I really need to work out, but at the same time I get a kick out of daring the nosy, staring crotchlobsters to say anything when I go out in a pushup bra and tight jeans… Totally rockin’ the Drop Dead Diva look (in my mind…)
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Dani October 10, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Ambien smells like Teen Spirit.

Or in my case, like a Fat Girl making popcorn in her sleep.
Dani recently posted..facebooking from the edge…: Da Kine! Da Kine!

Jillian October 10, 2011 at 6:46 pm

There is actually a deodorant called “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It really smells like strawberries. So full of both real and hipster irony that I don’t even know where to start.
Jillian recently posted..Of Ice Queens and Unibrows

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:29 am

And with that, Cobain is rolling in his grave.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:29 am

I can honestly say that I think Cobain would agree with that statement about Ambien.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:28 am

Oh Kella, Ambien smells like armpit farts. Just like hipsters.

Kella October 11, 2011 at 12:44 am

Great. Now I’ve got That 70’s Filter over everything I picture in my head now. It’s all shiny, happy hippies with dreadlocks and pot brownies, crammed into the back of VW vans up in this bitch.

It’s making it somewhat awkward to have a conversation with my husband, too, because the 70’s in England cause me to think of Life on Mars, so NOW I’ve got shiny, happy hippies with dreadlocks and pot brownies, crammed into the back of VW vans, driving down the wrong side of the road on the lam from Gene Hunt and his incorrigible lot of armed bastards.

This is why your blog is dangerous.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:32 am

I seriously doubt that I’M the dangerous one here.

Kella October 12, 2011 at 1:48 am

See, when you say that, I hear:

I’ve double-checked the permit-to-carry laws in Texas.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Shut your face. Shut it.

Kaye October 10, 2011 at 12:26 am

When you say: “Oh my God, I look disgusting!”
I hear: “Please, tell me how beautiful I am over and over.”

Ugh, effing ANNOYING. Sorry I haven’t commented in a while. I still love your blog!

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:29 am

Welcome back!

And yes, that’s exactly what you should hear.

Feryx October 10, 2011 at 12:41 am

When people say: “OMG you look so good”
I hear: “Most of the time you look like shit, so good on you for finally making an effort”
What the psycho in me hears: “IT’S RRRAAAPPPPEEE TIMMEEE”
Feryx recently posted..You only hate the ones you love

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:30 am

I also feel weird about the excessive, “you look awesome,” today comments, but the other day I forgot blush and someone asked me how long I’d had cancer, so I think I put that on myself.

nadine October 10, 2011 at 1:07 am

when I say I look awful or cop to how little time I spent on my looks… it’s really more of an explanation of the dark circles under my eyes so that no one thinks I got beat or was up all night crying.

and it’s better to just mention that yes, i know i got bad skin and frizzy hair… let’s just put that on the table and move on. i’m not fishing for compliments, i’m just doing damage control… since obviously i’m lacking in frizz or face-shine control options.
nadine recently posted..This is Incongruous.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:31 am

I think there’s a big difference in tone depending on the situation. Sometimes, you really do mean to say, “I look like ass, please don’t bring it up again,” but you know there are those skinny bitches who spent 9 hours on hair and makeup who say, “I look awful,” and ruin everything for the rest of us.

STAND STRONG AGAINST THE BITCHES, NADINE.

Front Desk Ninja October 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

Are you trying to tell me that there are more rules to Nascar than “drive really fast and don’t die?”
I don’t believe you, Noa.

When I hear things like “Of course we’ll be quiet in the halls” I assume they mean “We’re going to punch a hole in our room because you didn’t flash your tits.”

It also goes without saying that when people come to get a room and say they are just “going in to sleep and THAT’S IT” that they are secretly bringing in the goddamn circus to wake up the people who are ACTUALLY sleeping.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..all the ups and downs and you can’t get off

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:33 am

If you ask my dear uncle, he will tell you that yes, there are more rules. He also knows the statistics. Homie was once the Texas State Barbecue Champion. He defines what it is to be redneck.

I love him so, and I’m not being sarcastic.

Hoody Hoo October 10, 2011 at 6:27 am

Random Twatwaffle: “Oh, I look so fat in these pants!”
What They WANT to Hear: “No, you look great!”
What Hoody SAYS: “It’s not the pants. Whore.”
Hoody Hoo recently posted..A Revelation

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:34 am

I asked Adrian from day 1 never to lie to me when I ask, “How do I look,” because I’m not looking for a pat on the back–I want to know if my ass looks tore-up or not. He looked at me like I was setting him up for a trap.

Hoody Hoo October 11, 2011 at 6:45 am

doesn’t he know by now, EVERYTHING is a trap?
Hoody Hoo recently posted..I Rest My Case

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:32 am

You’d think after almost 4 years, he’d get it.

Paula @ thewilyweez October 10, 2011 at 7:32 am

Unless you have pmdd I don’t want to hear you use the shedding of your uterine lining as an excuse to stab people, act like a troll or sob uncontrollably to Kenny Chesney music. However, it is perfectly acceptable to use your period as an excuse to steal candy from small children.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..F*ck You Fridays: Round Cinq <–That’s French For Bitch Tits

Dani October 10, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I have PMDD and nothing pisses me off more than when I’m stabbing people because of it to have someone suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s my PMDD.

That’s a guaranteed sliced off penis in a blender.
Dani recently posted..facebooking from the edge…: Da Kine! Da Kine!

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

Adrian learned quickly–he only ever asked me if I had PMS once, and then when he reattached his balls, he never asked again.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:34 am

I like the idea that mother nature makes it halloween for all bitches once a month.

Kella October 11, 2011 at 1:24 am

“Trick or MOTHERFUCKER HAND OVER THE GODDAMNED CHOCOLATE AND STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY DAY OR I WILL END YOU IN THE COCKSUCKING FACE. Y’all.”
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Kella October 11, 2011 at 1:30 am

Also, I like that we get a Halloween once a month. It’s like we get 11 months of dressing up as a fat slob to prepare us for the one month where we go out of our way to contort ourselves into hideous displays of costumed cuntmuffinry, followed by the ritual diabetic coma resulting from the overconsumption of chocolate we stole from the kids after they passed out.

“Bite-sized” is code for “the calories don’t count if you can’t read the font dpi they’re printed in.”
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Dani October 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

“Cuntmuffinry” is my new favorite word. Just thought I’d let you know.
Dani recently posted..HMPH!

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:34 am

It sounds like a fucked-up Paula Deen cookbook.

Kella October 12, 2011 at 1:46 am

I totally just laughed my husband awake.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:33 am

Kella, I think everyday is Halloween for you. Or Christmas. Or Jack Daniels Birthday. Oh–what? I’m the only one who celebrates that? Oh. Okay.

Kella October 12, 2011 at 1:44 am

Noa, you say that like it’s a bad thing!

Honestly, binge-drinking on Halloween can be classified as field research on the experiences of an Alzheimer’s patient. I mean, think about it: every face is freakish and new, it’s entirely plausible for you to be standing in you underwear on the front lawn, having a conversation with your dead cousin Eddie, and by the end of the night there’s bound to be urine in a closet.

So, when you think about it, I could totally be the grandma-whisperer or something after all the field study I’ve done…
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Sadie Sez October 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Trick-or-fucking-treat, people!
Sadie Sez recently posted..Monday, Effing Monday (or, Pay Attention to Your Intuition)

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:34 am

This year, I’m handing out midol.

Leauxra October 10, 2011 at 8:03 am

They say: “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?”

What it means to most people: “I am going to hijack your time because my project is more important than anything you do.”

What it means when it’s said to me, “Why do you have to be so horrible? Bob in accounting hasn’t stopped crying for three days? But I don’t want to get you mad because you might say something mean.”
Leauxra recently posted..Zumba Tried to Kill Me

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:36 am

OH MAN that one is so awkward. You know you fucked up just from the, “hey,” at the beginning–the too-friendly-for-work-let-down greeting.

My skin is crawling with awkward now.

Myth October 10, 2011 at 8:09 am

I can’t believe anyone, ever, would try to claim Korn is the height of music. I can’t believe anyone would even like Korn, and it horrifies me to know that a lot of people my age do. Have you heard their LYRICS? “Gonna kill and rape you the way you raped me! Gonna pull the trigger and you’re down, down, down.” (Yes, those are real lyrics, verbatim, from “Thoughtless.” I listened to a live cover of it by another band. A lack of ugly screeching did not make me like the song any more than before.) Every single song they write is hateful and violent. It’s really not a matter of quality, just… what is WRONG with you, that you can like this shit?

As for what I hear when ridiculous stuff comes out of people’s mouths… here are a few gems from random high school girls I have had the misfortune of sharing classes with.

What She Actually Said: “God, I’m so fucking tired. I had this date with Matt Smith last night and it got a little naughty, if you know what I mean… by which I mean I hit that shit so hard that I’m exhausted. But damn, it was so worth it.”
What I Hear: “I am actually a virgin, and I make up wild stories about my sexual escapades in order to look cool to my friends. Everyone else just thinks I sound like a whore.”

What She Actually Said: “I’m on probation and it’s so fucking boring, they put me on house arrest and I’ve got this stupid bracelet because I already ran away four times and yesterday I had a cigarette and they took it away.”
What I Hear: “I am desperately seeking attention because I need everyone to focus on me. I like to pretend I don’t care what they think, but it’s actually the most important thing in the world to me.” The bragging tone really gives this one away.

What She Actually Said: “Mrs. Teacher is so fucking MEAN. She spends half the class period just yelling at us at the top of her lungs. And I don’t see the point in doing all the homework she piles on us because she’s just going to fucking fail me anyway. Hateful old bat.”
What I Hear: “I spend the entire class period snapping my bubblegum and chatting with my friends at a volume everyone in the room can hear clearly. I whine about the amount of homework or the difficulty of the homework because it’s easier than actually using the air-filled cavity called my brain. I think my teacher is a bitch, but she’s really just frustrated that her whole class treats her like shit and doesn’t listen to her. We’re all going to drop out at seventeen anyway.”

Myth October 10, 2011 at 8:23 am

… I want to acknowledge the fact that the “what she actually said” lines are far from accurate. I have too much trouble getting into their (empty) heads so it’s hard for me to get the wording right. But rest assured, these things have actually been said in my presence; the gist of it is all there. (The actual wording of them included a lot more of the word “like” and much more profanity than I considered necessary.)

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:38 am

I appreciate your editing of dumb.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:38 am

I have heard people fight terribly for Korn as legitimate art. I wanted to cry at the decimation of mankind.

1. Also extends to men. “I BONED HER” = “I BEAT OFF INTO ICE CREAM”

2. You just described the money-making plan of every talk show ever.

3. Why do those bitches never, ever grow the fuck up?!?!

Myth October 13, 2011 at 2:42 am

1. Yeah, I know it extends to men, but I thought it was especially weird to hear a girl say it (more than one girl, on more than one different occasion) because it’s just this stereotypical guy thing, supposedly. I’ve heard a lot of girls discuss, at length, their fictitious sexual escapades, often in levels of detail that make me cringe (and often they’re unrealistic or demonstrate a poor understanding of human sexual anatomy). I’ve never actually heard it from guys. Perplexing.

3. I especially hate this one when it’s a teacher I like. I like most of my teachers, but some are just plain awesome. Last year I had an English teacher who radiated near-lethal levels of sarcasm, and conducted most of his lessons by means of witty repartee with the students. And this year my astronomy teacher is flaming camp. Like, it’s an entire gay bar crammed into the confines of one man. One man who strolls through the halls singing “I feel pretty, oh so pretty!” (He dressed as a pirate on Pirates vs. Ninjas Day at school, except his costume was entirely in pastel. My best friend and I saw it, thought “oh my god he dressed as a butt pirate” and then we couldn’t catch our breath for minutes.)

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm

It took me 10 full minutes to get my breath back after reading #3 here, and every time I think about it, I burst into laughter again. I choked on my dinner.

Thank you.

Norway October 16, 2011 at 12:58 am

What a freaking waste of ice cream.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Truly.

Misty October 10, 2011 at 9:09 am

What you say: “wow, have you lost a bunch of weight?”
I hear: “in my head, I think of you as 500 lbs, but when I see you in real life, you are much smaller, so you must have just fasted since I last saw you & are not just a normal sized person.”

What you say: “and then Mr. Sprinkles Meowington the Third did the cutest thing, so I put it on youtube and it got so many hits….”
I hear: “Just kill me now, I have nothing left to live for and my 27 cats will just buffett on my corpse for a few weeks anyway, so it’s all good.”

What you say: “Homosexuals are evil & against God’s plan. They should not be allowed to marry because it says so in the bible.”
I hear: “I am married with 4 kids & look like I have the perfect family & am so vocally opposed to homosexuality because I have a weakness for having sex with 15 year old boys in dirty alleyways and have so much loathing for myself I have to project it onto others.”
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Hodge Podge

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:40 am

1. I know it should be a compliment, but I can’t help but feel like a whale when someone says that to me.

2. Also true of babies. Babies are never okay.

3. I can’t even function with that kind of hatred spewed out onto humanity. The very thought that sexual orientation, gender, or skin color could make someone inferior is preposterous. I usually blank out after their first sentence.

Andrea October 10, 2011 at 9:10 am

WHAT THEY SAY: “Man, you’re so skinny. How do you do it?”
WHAT I HEAR: “Eat something, you anorexic cunt. I’m so jealous of you but can’t gain the willpower to be anorexic, too. I like brownies.”
MY RESPONSE: “I work hard and eat right. But I’m also blessed with genes that predispose my body type to be this way. My great-grandpa lived to be 102!”
WHAT I MEAN: “Fuck off. I eat what I want and barely work out, but my skinny-ass lineage did hand down genes to me. I’m lucky as shit and know it. I like brownies.”
Andrea recently posted..Corn on the Cob for Every Meal

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:41 am

Maybe it’s just in Dallas, but there’s a commercial where two women are in yoga, and one asks the other, “You’re so skinny, how do you do it?” in the most sexual sounding voice I’ve ever heard, and this skinny bitches answer? Lap Band. 110 lbs, with a lap band.

Sorry. That was off topic.

Hoody Hoo October 11, 2011 at 6:52 am

we have that commercial here, too… I just muffle my ears with my arm fat when it comes on.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..I Rest My Case

Dani October 11, 2011 at 3:12 pm

*snort* Love it.

Because we all know how hard it sucks to have someone ask you how you stay so thin. The world is full of thoughtless bitches like that.
Dani recently posted..HMPH!

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:35 am

HAH! Good point, Dani.

I said that in a very sexual tone, if you couldn’t hear it.

Kelly October 10, 2011 at 9:54 am

What They Say: I feed my family nothing but organic vegetables, free range meats, and milk that doesn’t come from hormone-injected cows.

What I hear: You fail at motherhood and wifery. You should get a sister wife to show you how not to suck.

What I wonder: Why you were in the McDonald’s drive through a couple of cars in front of me the other day…
Kelly recently posted..Fair warning: I’m highly caffinated.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

Can we hire sister-wives now?

1-800-Prairie-dresses?

Kelly October 11, 2011 at 8:37 am

Yes.

Except I’m not really sure that I can hang with a carbon copy of Laura Ingalls Wilder banging my husband. See, this sister wife picking out thing is HARD! You don’t want someone who is better in the sack or at cooking and cleaning than you because then you get an inferiority complex… Wait. Then she’ll do all the work and sexin’ and I can lay around watching Maury and eating popcorn and never have to shave again?…bring it on, prairie girl. Bring. It. On.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

If she writes A-grade research papers, she’s fucking hired.

Dani October 10, 2011 at 10:19 am

“The Jeez.” //dying
Dani recently posted..All Hail The Mighty Oprah

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

You’re welcome for my blasphemy.

Kella October 11, 2011 at 10:15 am

If we get the timing right, we can make sure you’re covered with enough leads that, when lightning does strike you, you can revitalize the southern national power grid.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

Hurry up–the clouds are hovering.

Dani October 10, 2011 at 10:48 am

When I see on your Facebook profile that you have “The Bible” listed as your favorite book, what I see is: “If I list the Bible as my favorite book, God will like me better and I will maintain my reputation as an uptight, pious, self-righteous homophobe, even though my favorite book ACTUALLY is Hello Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea and I adore that little gay man on Dancing With The Stars.”
Dani recently posted..All Hail The Mighty Oprah

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:44 am

I never know how to respond when I ask someone, “what do you enjoy reading,” and they respond, “I only ever read the bible.”

What? Just…what? How? How have you managed that? That must be so terribly boring–not for the fact that the bible is disinteresting because that is not the case, but DAMN. Crack a Potter book or two and expand the horizons, homie.

Kella October 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

When they say “I only ever read the Bible.”

I HEAR: “I thought I’d give literacy a try, but my parents assured me that God said I didn’t need it.”
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Jaclyn October 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm

The correct response would be “Oh really? Twilight is totally my bible too” Then ask if they are Team Edward or Team Jacob. I bet they shut the fuck up about the bible really fast.
Jaclyn recently posted..Doggie Style

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Brilliant.

Jen October 10, 2011 at 11:22 am

WHEN YOU SAY: I love Ed Hardy.
I HEAR: I’m a faux-tanned Jersey Shore douchebag.

WHEN YOU SAY: Wow! You’re a single mom! I don’t know how you do it!
I HEAR: You get every other weekend away from your kids? Lucky bitch.
Jen recently posted.."Oh, God! Ooooohhhh, GOD!"

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:45 am

1. Can we add in Affliction and Silver Star to that?

2. I love that line, “I don’t know how you do it,” as though you had another option in life. “Well, I had to go to the bank, so I left those fuckers on the curb for 4 hours to fend for themselves. I can’t do it all.”

Kella October 12, 2011 at 9:32 am

I used to respond with: “Well, the key is to find the right balance of uppers and downers…”

… but then I started getting luncheon requests from the folks at Child Protective Services and I had to reconsider my parenting strategy.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

It’s good you learn from repetition.

Meg October 10, 2011 at 11:23 am

When you say: “I never knew what true love was until I had little Junior here!”
I hear: “I bought into the myth that I would feel complete just by pushing a watermelon through my vagina and I haven’t slept in seven months and wish someone would just do the hard parts so I could have a twelve-hour nap.”

Also–HUGE pet peeve. I’m a singer and when other singers are complimented and they laugh and say, “Oh, I messed up that part and I was flat and I don’t have a great voice, and…” UGH. All I hear is: “I know, right?! I’m so amazing but I have to act like I’m modest.” These days, when someone compliments me on my singing, I just smile and say, “Thank you!”

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:46 am

1. THANK YOU. That’s what I hear, too. As though I could never know love unless I released a crotchling. I think it might destroy my vision of love, actually.

2. I’m trying really hard to learn not to be so self-deprecating because I sometimes come across as disingenuous and I hate that. Do me a favor, punch those bitches.

homelesslady October 10, 2011 at 12:33 pm

When you say: my children are home schooled.
I hear: I am a better mother than you because I am not exposing MY children to (insert pretentious guilt-inducing BS here.)

When you say: I was home schooled.
I think: Oh, that explains it.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:47 am

1. UGH. just…just UGH to the Nth degree. UGH.

2. Laughed my fucking ass off. Some weird-ass mofos.

Jessica October 10, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I’ve been looking for a better, more discrete way to say “I’m on my period” for the longest time! All other sayings for this are just lame. “I’m on the rag,” “Aunt Flo is in town.” “surfing the crimson tide.” nothing. “Cockpocket Hemorrhage” however, genious.

What they say: Do I look fat in this?
What I hear: I tried to stuff myself into these jeans that I haven’t worn in 3 years, and I’m hoping you won’t notice my major muffin top, so I’m going to try and wear a sparkly top to distract you from it.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:48 am

You’re welcome. I’ve tried to contact Tampax–they seemed disinterested.

Also–WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT QUESTION? Either way it’s a fucking trap–the skinny bitches don’t believe you and the ones who shouldn’t be dressed like that don’t believe you either.

FUCK.

Luda October 10, 2011 at 12:45 pm

When You Say: “Ugh, I’m on my period this week.”
I hear: “Thank god you’re not pregnant because if you had a kid and s/he was anything like you, we’d all be fucked.”
Luda recently posted..Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:48 am

I tried really hard to work that line in, but I couldn’t get it right. And here you go, showing me up with the word arranging business.

Awesome.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 10, 2011 at 12:47 pm

When you say: “It’s the better value”
I hear: “The only weight I think you should lose is the dollar bills in your pocket.”

When you say: “I am so blessed, Praise JESUS!”
I hear: “Look at meeeeeeee!”
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..An Introvert’s Halloween – Part 1

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:50 am

1. I think that salesman needs better tactics.

2. I actually shout that in traffic now as a means to divert myself from rageful shouting. I pray with the other drivers as they go 50 in the left lane and praise the baby jeez when they merge.

Jen October 10, 2011 at 12:50 pm

WHEN YOU SAY: I knew things would work out; I prayed for you.
I HEAR: You’re efforts don’t count for shit. You should be thanking my holier-than-thou ass for calling in a favor to the Big Man, asshole.
Jen recently posted.."Oh, God! Ooooohhhh, GOD!"

Dani October 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm

When I say: “I love Ed Hardy.”
What I’m really saying is: “I’m not from New Jersey and am in reality a pasty-white short chubby native California chica who has a penchant for bling, tattoos and skulls, so don’t hate me because apparently, I’m accidentally tacky.”
Dani recently posted..Da Kine! Da Kine!

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:51 am

Also, “I fucking love to waste all my cash on being liked.”

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:51 am

While I understand the sentiment behind the prayer, the statement you have there is indicative of understanding God’s plan, which is insulting on a whole new level. I concur.

wagthedad October 10, 2011 at 1:04 pm

“You can’t do that.”

I hear

“Do that. Do it jizzbuckets MORE.”
wagthedad recently posted..Look Busy. That’s All That Counts

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:52 am

That’s actually a rule in improv, which has only exacerbated this habit in me. “When someone says not to do something, they’re telling you to do it.”

Thou hast release a monster.

Meg October 10, 2011 at 5:27 pm

When You Say: “I never let my children watch any television.”
I hear: “I’m a goddamn liar. My kids drink coke with a baby bottle and are monstrously out-of-control asshats-in-training.”

Why is it that the parents that always act like their kids can do no wrong always have the worst children? Well, I know why, just making small talk. Don’t answer, I’m not a good listener. That’s why I totally suck at this assignment.
Meg recently posted..Don’t Die From Shock

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:53 am

I like the way my sister in law rolls with the TV. “They usually only get about a 1/2 hour to 1 hour a day, but if we’re packing for a trip or I need to nap, maybe more. Either way, who cares.”

Meg October 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Like my kids are going to turn into serial killers because I let them watch TV. It’s usually the kids raised outside the norm that have issues being contributing members of society. In my opinion. I felt the need to add that it’s my opinion in case anyone wanted to argue. As they say, opinions are like assholes, we all have them.
Meg recently posted..Don’t Die From Shock

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:37 am

I concur with your opinion. Weird how societal norms work…

Lilscorpiosweet October 10, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Are you kidding me? I can have a random conversation with someone about nothing.

When I tell someone (most people I know) about my migraines this is what they say: Oh honey I suffered from them for years and they never compared to child birth.

I hear : Wait til you have kids it gets worse.

What I want to yell while stabbing them: Look here fuckrug, I have 3 kids 2 step kids and I am a chronic migraine sufferer. I had migraines before having kids so its not the kids causing them predominately. They just compound it.

I mean what idiot blames kids predominately? Don’t they know that there are triggers? Like environment (which could be attributed to the idiots surrounding me), Stress obviously from said idiots.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..For Amusement

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:54 am

Anyone who discounts someone’s pain is a giant ass fuckrug. That’s like, “Oh I know how you feel about losing your dad, I lost my parakeet last month when he offed himself.”

WHAT THE FUCK. NO, you do not know how I feel, so go fuck yourself.

You know what I hear helps migraines? Punching people.

Andi October 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

When people say, “Do you know the Lord?”
I hear, “I’m an annoying assmunch with an inferiority complex who needs to be better at SOMETHING than you.”

When people say, “Don’t tell anybody I told you this, but…”
I hear, “It’s going to be all over town by Friday.”

When people say, “I don’t mean to be offensive, but….”
I hear, “I’m about to enjoy offending you.”

When people say, “Stay away from that guy, he’s trouble.”
I hear, “I’m jealous because you might fuck him instead of me.”

When people say, “I don’t understand the way young girls dress these days.”
I hear, “I don’t look good in short shorts, so nobody else should wear them.”

And in honor of my mother, when people say, “You’re angry, bitter and you hate me!”
I hear, “I’m unable to get the response I want, so I’m going to have a tantrum.”
Andi recently posted..Not Much Sewing — Or Anything Else — Going On Here

Noa October 11, 2011 at 12:56 am

1. I really really want Grace to tell you her story of the man who was condemning people to hell outside a Texas A&M game and how well she shut his ass down.

2. When someone says that, they might as well put that shit on facebook. I hold no secrets.

3. Just like, “bless her heart, but,”

4. Wasn’t that the first line in Footloose, too?

5. I will defend your point of view up until the shortalls with fishnets combo I saw the other day. That one, I truly do not get.

6. Are…are you related to someone I know.

Hoody Hoo October 11, 2011 at 6:57 am

When people ask if you know Jesus, always say “Yes, we met in prison.” Sometimes things fall out of their pockets as they run away.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..I Rest My Case

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:38 am

Hoody–that is fucking brilliant.

Misty October 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

Oh shit, Andi. Are you . . . are you my sister? Because that is my mother. Were we separated at birth?

Do you also get: “Oh, so and so is in the hospital you say? Well, let me tell you about my recent ailment where I had to go to the doctor 3 times this last week and OH! I just felt a really bad pain in my stomach! Ouch ouch OUCH.”
I hear: “Look at ME, Look at ME, ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Hodge Podge

Andi October 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

My family is Spartan, so the response is more like, “Oh, you went to the doctor? Well, your stepfather broke his leg by falling through the truck bed (yes, the truck bed has holes in it….don’t ask) so he set it himself with a magazine and some rubber bands, hobbled back to the house, took a couple of Advil and a nap, then went back to work.” Or they tell me about someone who gave birth in a field. To twins. Then got up and made pancakes for the entire farm the next morning.

What I hear is, “You’re a whiny little cunt.”

I don’t know if we are related but if so…..um, I’m sorry?
Andi recently posted..Not Much Sewing — Or Anything Else — Going On Here

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:39 am

My mom goes a bit far in the other direction most of the time–if I get a cold my sister will get a text that I am dying and she needs to say her final goodbyes. It’s like she’s making up for all the times she told me to “rub dirt on it and deal.”

Either way, I’m still a whiny cunt.

Poof October 11, 2011 at 10:27 am

You’re a bitch and I love it.
I feel like you and my drunken, bitchy inner monologue would have one of those BFF heart necklaces.
Poof recently posted..FIRST EVER COMMERCIALLLLLLL! OMGzz!

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:39 am

FROM CLAIRES? I’m on it.

Poof October 12, 2011 at 7:45 am

Can they be bedazzled too?? Nothing says “Frieda forever” like fake bling on a silver necklace that will eventually turn the back of your neck green
Poof recently posted..FIRST EVER COMMERCIALLLLLLL! OMGzz!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

FUCK YES they can be bedazzled.

Jaclyn October 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

I must look like a sinner because everyone always wants to tell me about Jesus. Most recently when I was in a craft store, trying to find what I needed 5 minutes before it closed. I tried to be polite and tell the woman I didn’t have time to talk to her, then that I don’t participate in organized relgion and she was all “oh, we aren’t an organized religion. We just get together and study the bible”. Hmmm… you know if you got together to study the bible all in one place you would be a CHURCH… you know, the very definition of organized religion.
Jaclyn recently posted..Doggie Style

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:41 am

“Oh, it’s not a job. It’s just a place where you collate papers at a desk and sometimes answer emails!”

“Oh, it’s not an ER, it’s just a place where bleeders are clotted.”

“Oh, no, it’s not herpes. It’s just infectious genital decoration.”

Heather Heartless October 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

What they say: “Think of those poor, screaming, dead cows.”

What I think (because I don’t hear any of it): “I’d really like to see a dead screaming cow. Also, that doesn’t make the dead cow any less dead. That cow would totally be screaming “Eat me. I’m delicious.”

What they say: “After giving up smoking, soda, and meat, if I try it again, it all tastes like shit.”

What I hear: “Bacon is delicious.”

What I think: “If you care so much about your body, why don’t you brush your teeth?
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:42 am

1. I FUCKING LOVE MEAT.

2. I thought I could be that way about fast food and Dr. Pepper when I gave it up for a while, but no, it was every bit as awesome when I picked it back up.

Rico Swaff October 11, 2011 at 11:27 am

You had me at “My life has had so little meaning up until this point that I feel Korn is an excellent cultural choice. I’m ready to die.” God that band is “corny”.
Rico Swaff recently posted..To this Day, I Wonder How Many People Saw My Balls that Night

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:42 am

Well played, Rico. Well played.

addtova October 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

“I liked the twilight books”

Means: I secretly want to have sex with underage glittery boys. I have no taste and would probably think the blurb on my cereal box was well written.
addtova recently posted..Recipe Tuesday- Gluten Free Pie crust

Gwinn October 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Twilight readers — losers.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:43 am

Hear hear.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:43 am

Tova, I’ve never read a more apt description of Twilight readers.

Heather Heartless October 12, 2011 at 1:42 am

Which reminds me, you’re going to love this shit.

http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com

If no one has nominated Dana, I’m taking the opportunity to do so.

Also, start at the beginning. Read the tags and all. You’re welcome for me totally fucking up your next week.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Fuck. FUck. FUCK.

I’ve spent HOURS on it.

Alex J. October 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Fuckrug is a new one for me. Fucktard, fuckwad, fuck monkey, sure. But fuckrug? That’s right up there with Shagbucket for me in creative descriptions. Awesome.
Alex J. recently posted..Oh, balls.

Mandi E. October 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Fuckrug and Shagbucket are now part of my regular lexicon. I will use both at work tomorrow. Possibly in the same conversation. Maybe even in email.

What they say: “I’m a paying customer and {insert inane, menial task here} is part of what I’m paying for.”

What I hear: “I’ve never had to do anything for myself a day in my life so you should have to cater to my every whim so I don’t become unduly stressed.”

What I reply: “That absolutely will not be possible.”

What I’m thinking: “Die in a fire, you coddled, useless, Stepford twat-spawned semen repository.”

I fucking hate undergrads.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:44 am

Shagbucket? New favorite.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:44 am

Fuckrug was invented when I said, “FUCKING RUG,” one day when I tripped over it for the 1,000th time.

Clearly, I’m a vocabulary master.

Johi October 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

When I hear, “I can’t find any underwear!”

I know means, “I didn’t realize that it was YOU washing all the children’s vomited on bedding for the last three days when we ALL had the stomach flu, I thought you were just hanging out in the hallway again. And oh, if YOU walk over here and look in my drawer for me, I’ll bet you can use some of that witchy magic of yours and create some clean underwear.”

P.S. There were FIVE pair of clean underwear.

And because you mentioned Wal-Mart…So there is was in motherfucking Wal-Mart the other day, and what do I see? A magical vision in the tee-shirts: two wolves seemingly airbrushed into a mystifying sunset. I was so enchanted that I took a picture and sent it to my friend with the message “When I saw this I just knew that you needed it. Unfortunately I did not have the $13.88 to get it for you. Maybe next time.”
Johi recently posted..Love Letters and Other Demands

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:45 am

I’m going to level with you–I wrote the shirt description in my phone so I can check to see if my Wal-Mart has it. Because I NEED IT.

Johi October 12, 2011 at 8:06 am

Please send me a picture of you wearing it. I will make it my facebook profile picture. (Duh.)
Johi recently posted..I say the underwear ALWAYS goes on first.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm

They don’t have it. I looked in every truck stop too.

Heather October 11, 2011 at 10:36 pm

When people walk into my office and ask, “do you have a minute?”…
What I hear is: “no matter what you say I am going to waste part of your day with my ill-timed intrusion on your work by asking a stupid question that I could have figured out the answer to on my own if I’d stopped surfing Facebook long enough to look”.
Heather recently posted..I’d like to marry Jon Stewart.

Noa October 12, 2011 at 12:46 am

I love the “work interjections.” They’re so pseudo-nice and terribly tense. You both know it’s going to hurt, but you have to do it anyway.

I’m cringing just thinking about it.

Miss Sassy Pants October 12, 2011 at 12:54 am

When strangers say, “Have we met before?”

I hear, “I’ve seen a picture of you on Facebook passed out on the floor with a bottle of soy sauce.”

Accidents happen.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted.."If you keep picking your nose, your head will cave in."

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

HAH! And that’s why I do not allow photos to be taken of me.

Alisen October 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

What they say “No offense, but….”
What I hear “I am a HUGE asshole and anything that comes out of my mouth next will be offensive to logic, sensibility and probably all people who can hear. Also, I like to hear myself talk because no one listens to me at home because again I am a HUGE asshole and I am not allowed to speak”

Apologizing for offending makes you a sissy.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

In the South, we have a pretty version of No Offense called, “Bless her Heart.” I shamelessly use it. All the time.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress October 13, 2011 at 9:14 pm

“See…men and women can be friends!”

I really hear “Hi, my name is James and I just called you a whore after you turned down my advances while we were drinking in a bar in Vegas because I told my good friend that I had feelings for you but I can’t act on them because you’re married.”
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..On the bright side- Only one of us went to jail

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I love when that line is followed by a nervous laugh. It just makes my skin crawl.

Britt October 14, 2011 at 9:59 am

When you say: “You have a really pretty face.”
I hear: “It’s really too bad your body looks like that, fatass.”

It’s a double-edged sword, asshole.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

That one’s a harsh one. I usually get, “Well, you’re funny!” to which I hear, “Damn, bitch, bag your face.”

Britt October 14, 2011 at 9:59 am

When you say: “You have a really pretty face.”
I hear: “It’s really too bad your body looks like that, fatass.”

It’s a double-edged sword, asshole.

… I might have accidentally hit ‘submit’ twice. THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

Noa October 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I fucking love you back.

Anon October 15, 2011 at 12:32 am

So… this wasn’t very funny. It just comes off as a belligerent judgment of social constructs and a feeble attempt at self-evidencing the fact that you’re better than people. Here are some tips.

Brevity is funny. If the punchline is more than 8 words long, you’re wasting your time.
Self-designed compound profanities are never funny nor clever. Just desperate attempts at making your profanities seem personalized and to advertise yourself as “original”. If you were trying to be funny, you should have written:

When You Say: “I really think Korn is a high-quality musical group.”
I hear: “I quit listening to music in 2002.”

When You Say: “I’m going to school to study home furnishings.”
I hear: “My parents reward me for coloring inside the lines.”

When You Say: “Ugh, I’m on my period this week.”
I hear: “I’m a bitch but I don’t want you to hate me.”

When You Say: “I’M SO RANDOM AND CRAZY!”
I hear: “I was popular in middle school.”

When You Say: “Sarah Palin is a true American.”
I hear: “I like things that have guns on them.”

When You Say: “I really connect with reality television.”
I hear: “I frequently find myself in slutty love triangles.”

When You Say: “I’m a vegan.”
I hear: “I own a Mac that I’m not entirely sure how to use.”

When You Say: “If Wal-Mart doesn’t have it, I don’t need it.”
I hear: “I carry a wallet of coupons.”

When You Say: “I never let my children watch any television.”
I hear: “I can’t afford a television.”

When You Say: “I’m in school for my MRS degree.”
I hear: “I don’t read good.”

When You Say: “I don’t own a television.”
I hear: “I also enjoy AM radio.”

When You Say: “I think stripping is degrading to women everywhere.”
I hear: “I wish I was pretty enough to be a stripper.”

When You Say: “I only spent 5 minutes on my hair and makeup today. I look so ugly!”
I hear: “I look so ugly.”

When You Say: “Have you heard the good news about Jesus?”
I hear: “I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not following a lie.”

Kella October 15, 2011 at 12:48 am

In deference to your sense of brevity and comedic values, I present the following haiku:

Hello, twatwaffle!
Have you tried lithium yet?
You might benefit.
Kella recently posted..Demand to speak to life’s manager!

Anon October 15, 2011 at 5:12 pm

So… what is a twatwaffle exactly?

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