Becoming a full-time freeballer is an unquestionably important decision. You want to show off your mighty dick of truth to the world, but porn/handycam leaked footage just seems a bit–déclassé–to you. Who hasn’t sat on their couch one day, eating Hot Pockets while shouting at Ricki Lake re-runs, thinking to themselves, “I don’t get to show my tits to the public enough. I want a better public genital forum!”
Nudism is the beautiful blending of terrifically awkward self-love and what should be a great celebration of the human body into one disturbing, wrinkle-covered bag of what-the-fuck. It’s a tough balance to strike, but luckily, Dangerballs “The Ballsiest” is here to assist.
1. Is Your Junk Socially Appropriate?
The answer to that question is almost always a resounding, “Good Lord, did your peen just growl at me?”
If you’re going to attend high tea with your poonsocket in high-definition, I cannot stress enough the importance of proper no-no grooming. There’s an easy test to tell if you need a bit of a spit-shine; just have a friend take a peek down below, and if they become visibly startled at the images they see there, it’s time to polish up.
Should the undergrowth prove too great a foe for even the strongest of clippers, consider a dick snood and/or literal dickbag. You’ll get the confidence and support you’ve always wanted, find a use for your old fanny pack, and the rest of the world is spared from your horrorcock.
2. Don’t Mind Me, I’ll Just Place My Nuts Here
Transitioning from fully-clothed to fully-freeballed is a touch-and-go time, both literally and figuratively.
It can be a big leap to leave your house one day without any clothes on and with little explanation to coworkers and caseworkers–cold, nudist turkey. Consider, instead, making a slow transition beginning with the feet first. One week, wear only a sock on one foot. Then, transition to no socks at all, then no shoes, then no pants, and so on until maximum skin exposure is achieved.
Break your nudity in slowly, but confidently. When speaking with coworkers, friends, and family, make sure to non-verbally emphasize the fact that you’re not wearing a certain piece of clothing–most preferably by touching them with your newly exposed regions. As they say, a little less talk, a lot more of me straddling your stapler.
3. Snatch Burns–OUCH!
Our bodies become accustomed to the everyday convenience and protection of clothing, and as a result transitioning to nudism brings about a bevy of new and frightening possibilities for injury.
A few pro-tips to keep you and your ruffmuff safe:
- Bring coasters if you have leather seats in your vehicle, home, or workplace–sac skin has a bad tendency to adhere permanently to leather after a very short time! Also, the wise man will beware the seat heaters.
- When closing drawers and cabinets, ensure that all genitalia are clear of the area first!
- APA Regulations specify that nudist health-care workers must wash wangs in the designated wang-washing stations before touching patients. Safety first!
- On cold days, a twatscarf is recommended. Remember the pole-licking scene from A Christmas Story?
- 95% of American Men have experienced a serious sports-related peenjury before the age of 18. Properly arm your crotch before playing any contact sports. Remember–helmets for ALL heads!
- Beware of papercuts–the sneakiest bastard of all.
4. Public Acceptance
Once you and your inner circle of remaining supporters has come to terms with the fact that you’re really going to do this and that this is not just one of your “phases of weird,” it’s time to drum up a little public support.
The American public is often rather modest and unforgiving of the genitals of strangers, so make sure that you’re making the right impression wherever you go.
You may get a lot of questions about, “what are you doing walking around like that,” and, “what possessed you to think that this was an appropriate course of action?” It can save you a lot of time to hang a simple brochure rack off your rod of justice to allow the public the information they so desire.
And lastly, have some fun! Consider costumes specifically for your crotch–both friendly and a conversation starter, it will put everyone you meet at ease! Perhaps seasonal wreaths are the way you choose to go; sleigh bells are especially fun around the holidays. No matter what you do, you’re sure to get some smiles with a little festivity!
Following these simple tips, you should be arrested for public indecency in no time!
That was fucking horrifying to write. Did I miss any good nudism tips?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Dani: ” My motto: What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier. Years ago in high school, when I was a naive little valley girl, I took a psych class at the local university to get extra credit. A part of the course was on child abuse, and signs and symptoms that one needed to be aware of if a child is acting out with certain behaviors. One of the behaviors was “excessive masturbation.” Hand to God, I had no idea what masturbation was. So I went home and looked it up in the circa 1932 dictionary that my parents had. The definition, according to Webster, was “Self abuse.” No more, no less. Eventually, after much embarrassment and inappropriate questions, I did find out what masturbation actually was. But now, as an adult, whenever I feel the need to self-flagellate (which I do, frequently) because I’m a) not good enough b) never have been good enough and c) never will be good enough, I hear a little voice in the back of my head saying, “Stop the masturbation! Stop the masturbation!” Dear Noa, No more masturbation. Love, Dani”