The Dangerballs Guide To: Nudism

10/05/2011 · 87 comments

in Dangerballs, Fetish, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina

Becoming a full-time freeballer is an unquestionably important decision. You want to show off your mighty dick of truth to the world, but porn/handycam leaked footage just seems a bit–déclassé–to you. Who hasn’t sat on their couch one day, eating Hot Pockets while shouting at Ricki Lake re-runs, thinking to themselves, “I don’t get to show my tits to the public enough. I want a better public genital forum!”

Nudism is the beautiful blending of terrifically awkward self-love and what should be a great celebration of the human body into one disturbing, wrinkle-covered bag of what-the-fuck. It’s a tough balance to strike, but luckily, Dangerballs “The Ballsiest” is here to assist.

1. Is Your Junk Socially Appropriate?

The answer to that question is almost always a resounding, “Good Lord, did your peen just growl at me?”

If you’re going to attend high tea with your poonsocket in high-definition, I cannot stress enough the importance of proper no-no grooming. There’s an easy test to tell if you need a bit of a spit-shine; just have a friend take a peek down below, and if they become visibly startled at the images they see there, it’s time to polish up.

Should the undergrowth prove too great a foe for even the strongest of clippers, consider a dick snood and/or literal dickbag. You’ll get the confidence and support you’ve always wanted, find a use for your old fanny pack, and the rest of the world is spared from your horrorcock.

2. Don’t Mind Me, I’ll Just Place My Nuts Here

Transitioning from fully-clothed to fully-freeballed is a touch-and-go time, both literally and figuratively.

It can be a big leap to leave your house one day without any clothes on and with little explanation to coworkers and caseworkers–cold, nudist turkey. Consider, instead, making a slow transition beginning with the feet first. One week, wear only a sock on one foot. Then, transition to no socks at all, then no shoes, then no pants, and so on until maximum skin exposure is achieved.

Break your nudity in slowly, but confidently. When speaking with coworkers, friends, and family, make sure to non-verbally emphasize the fact that you’re not wearing a certain piece of clothing–most preferably by touching them with your newly exposed regions. As they say, a little less talk, a lot more of me straddling your stapler.

3. Snatch Burns–OUCH!

Our bodies become accustomed to the everyday convenience and protection of clothing, and as a result transitioning to nudism brings about a bevy of new and frightening possibilities for injury.

A few pro-tips to keep you and your ruffmuff safe:

  • Bring coasters if you have leather seats in your vehicle, home, or workplace–sac skin has a bad tendency to adhere permanently to leather after a very short time! Also, the wise man will beware the seat heaters.
  • When closing drawers and cabinets, ensure that all genitalia are clear of the area first!
  • APA Regulations specify that nudist health-care workers must wash wangs in the designated wang-washing stations before touching patients. Safety first!
  • On cold days, a twatscarf is recommended. Remember the pole-licking scene from A Christmas Story?
  • 95% of American Men have experienced a serious sports-related peenjury before the age of 18. Properly arm your crotch before playing any contact sports. Remember–helmets for ALL heads!
  • Beware of papercuts–the sneakiest bastard of all.

4. Public Acceptance

Once you and your inner circle of remaining supporters has come to terms with the fact that you’re really going to do this and that this is not just one of your “phases of weird,” it’s time to drum up a little public support.

The American public is often rather modest and unforgiving of the genitals of strangers, so make sure that you’re making the right impression wherever you go.

You may get a lot of questions about, “what are you doing walking around like that,” and, “what possessed you to think that this was an appropriate course of action?” It can save you a lot of time to hang a simple brochure rack off your rod of justice to allow the public the information they so desire.

And lastly, have some fun! Consider costumes specifically for your crotch–both friendly and a conversation starter, it will put everyone you meet at ease! Perhaps seasonal wreaths are the way you choose to go; sleigh bells are especially fun around the holidays. No matter what you do, you’re sure to get some smiles with a little festivity!

Following these simple tips, you should be arrested for public indecency in no time!

That was fucking horrifying to write. Did I miss any good nudism tips?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Dani: ” My motto: What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier. Years ago in high school, when I was a naive little valley girl, I took a psych class at the local university to get extra credit. A part of the course was on child abuse, and signs and symptoms that one needed to be aware of if a child is acting out with certain behaviors. One of the behaviors was “excessive masturbation.” Hand to God, I had no idea what masturbation was. So I went home and looked it up in the circa 1932 dictionary that my parents had. The definition, according to Webster, was “Self abuse.” No more, no less. Eventually, after much embarrassment and inappropriate questions, I did find out what masturbation actually was. But now, as an adult, whenever I feel the need to self-flagellate (which I do, frequently) because I’m a) not good enough b) never have been good enough and c) never will be good enough, I hear a little voice in the back of my head saying, “Stop the masturbation! Stop the masturbation!” Dear Noa, No more masturbation. Love, Dani”

 

Hoody Hoo October 5, 2011 at 7:14 am

“what are you doing walking around like that,” and, “what possessed you to think that this was an appropriate course of action?” — is it bad that I get these questions whether I’m nekkid or not? Oh, and also? SUNSCREEN.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..The Care & Feeding of Chuckweasel

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Do you also think baby powder is an essential nudist requirement?

Hoody Hoo October 6, 2011 at 7:27 am

depends on whether you are somewhere where chafing could be an issue… or prickly heat! (ha! I said “prickly”)
Hoody Hoo recently posted..The Care & Feeding of Chuckweasel

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:49 pm

I see what you did there.

Brandi October 5, 2011 at 8:00 am

Horrorcock sounds like a really bad (or really good) Halloween porn flick.
Brandi recently posted..Consequences

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Well, fleshlight DID just release a zombie vagina option…

Cheryl S. October 5, 2011 at 8:27 am

Thank you, Noa. First, for making me laugh out loud at my desk like a madwoman. Second, for COMPLETELY ruining A Christmas Story for me forever!

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:55 pm

If by ruined you mean made awesome, you’re welcome.

Kelly October 5, 2011 at 8:34 am

Nudity is going to have to be added to the Equal Opportunity thingamagig after this goes viral. “What do you meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean I can’t run the wood chipper as a nudist?” “Are you suggesting that my tatas are the reason I can’t type 80 words a minute without error?” “Are you saying that as a crime scene investigator I’m going to be required to wax so that I don’t set myself up as a suspect because of a rogue pube?”

Way to open a can, Noa. Way. To. Go.
Kelly recently posted..I am one step away from being the agoraphobic crazy cat lady.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm

I CARE ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS, OKAY?

Could the nude version of Occupy Wall Street be Occupy The San Fernando Valley?

Kelly October 5, 2011 at 9:29 pm

One might get their dangly bits frozen in NY in the winter. There’s also the shrinkage factor. Wreak havoc on the valley, nudists! Wreak havoc! I now have a vision of stampeding naked folk emblazoned in my brain. Can’t they just play badminton or something instead?
Kelly recently posted..I am one step away from being the agoraphobic crazy cat lady.

Jen October 6, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Badminton uses ‘shuttlecocks’, right? ((snicker! snicker!))
Jen recently posted..Pretty Sure I’m Going to Hell for This One

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:51 pm

“Sadly, 300 nudists died today in the ice storm. The cause of death? Cold hearted bitches.”

Paula @ thewilyweez October 5, 2011 at 8:47 am

I have a friend who put on a little extra weight and she kept having to buy bigger underwear and one day she got pissed off and decided she would just quit wearing underwear altogether. I made a similar pact with myself involving my pants.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..Nudity, Wizards, and Weddings Oh My!

Dani October 5, 2011 at 11:07 am

I think I’ll try that with my own ass. The fear of public pantslessness might scare my behind enough to convince it to stop growing.
Dani recently posted..Happiness is: 5 episodes of Hoarders

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm

HAH! “By threat of torture, ass suddenly disappears”

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm

@Paula: I think that’s a spectacular idea, and I shall go along with it.

Jen October 6, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I love going commando. It’s like a little party in my pants that no one knows about but me. . .well, and all of you now. . .you’re welcome!
Jen recently posted..Pretty Sure I’m Going to Hell for This One

Noa October 7, 2011 at 12:02 am

You have vaginal party poppers? Where can I get them?

Andi October 5, 2011 at 8:58 am

I think the #1 rule of nudism — having read a lot about nudists — is you should make like a good galactic hitchhiker and always carry a towel with you. That way you protect public services from your pubic juices, and presumably fashion a sarong in especially dangerous situations.

Then people will say, “Hey, you sass that hoopy Noa? There’s a frood who really knows where her towel is.”
Andi recently posted..McCall’s 6176 — Needs More Skulls

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I’m caught between horror and wonderment if that’s what guest towels are actually for.

Norway October 6, 2011 at 4:16 pm

While you’re on the subject of hitchhiking the galaxy, can you help me learn to fly? I never manage to miss the ground. Maybe if a random nudist jumped out of the bush; I think that would distract me A LOT…

Norway October 6, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Wait. Crap. No “bush” pun intended.

Frick.

Noa October 7, 2011 at 12:01 am

Oh Norway, you silly bitch you. A random nudist makes you want to rake your eyeballs out.

Andi October 5, 2011 at 8:58 am

And by “public services” I mean public surfaces, although the services would probably appreciate the protection too.
Andi recently posted..McCall’s 6176 — Needs More Skulls

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I think the general public would appreciate genital blockage of any sort.

Heather Rose October 5, 2011 at 9:01 am

So my mom and stepdad are actually nudists (anyone want to take a stab at why I’m so fucked up?) and I offer this piece of advice for friends and families of nudists:

Always, always call before you drop by for a visit. Five 300+ lbers playing naked dominoes is not something that can ever be unseen.
Heather Rose recently posted..Boot love.

Misty October 5, 2011 at 9:10 am

And now you’ve planted that image in my head as well. Thanks a lot Heather!
Misty recently posted..Bringing it . . . again!

Heather Rose October 5, 2011 at 9:39 am

Any time, Misty…. there’s plenty of that image to go around…
Heather Rose recently posted..Boot love.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm

You’re a giver.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Nightmares and poor associations with board games for years to come.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm

@Heather: Oh my God. Oh. My. God. No. NONONO.

Jen October 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

It could have been worse. They don’t own ‘Twister’ do they?
Jen recently posted..Pretty Sure I’m Going to Hell for This One

Noa October 7, 2011 at 12:00 am

Slow clap, Jen. You always see the glass half-full. I’m jealous of you.

Misty October 5, 2011 at 9:06 am

The hubs could take some of these tips to heart. Although not a professional nudist, as he has yet to run around out in public showing his pubelics, he is very much an indoors nudist. And even a bit of an exhibitionist.

Fun story . . . for his birthday one year, since he was always so fond of showing off all the “hilarious” things he could perform and make out of his genitals, I decided to take him to this avant garde show in DC where 2 guys spent the entire hour naked and performing “tricks” with their dicks. I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the show and am fearful of using search terms for it at work, lest the higher ups think I’m trolling for online penises. Anyway, I thought it would be fun and that he would think it was pretty hysterical and appreciate what was a Professional Showing of what he liked to do ameteurishly at home. Well, he was horrified and not amused. So basically I ruined this big birthday surprise for him (oh yeah, I kept it a surprise until we walked into the theater, and he kept guessing all these tame and boring things . . . oops). Anyway, so we sat there for an hour watching 2 grown men play with their wangs. I thought it was so out there funny and he was just uncomfortable the whole time. Happy Birthday Sweetie!!!

I am the most awesome wife ever. I’m expecting my medal any day now.
Misty recently posted..Bringing it . . . again!

Kelly October 5, 2011 at 9:18 am

Minute To Win It – in the nude. It’s amazing what you can do with ping pong balls and dixie cups.
Kelly recently posted..I am one step away from being the agoraphobic crazy cat lady.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Kelly…kelly…now I’m horrified.

Andi October 5, 2011 at 9:18 am

I’m….just laughing at this. You thought it would be a good idea to take a straight man to look at other guys’ wangs? Really?
Andi recently posted..McCall’s 6176 — Needs More Skulls

Misty October 5, 2011 at 9:51 am

The hubs has a pretty wicked sense of humor and usually we are in sync with this type of thing. I thought he would find it funny and entertaining. Yeah, I guess I missed the mark on that one. I made it up to him later.
Misty recently posted..Bringing it . . . again!

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm

It’s dick tricks, though, like a ridiculous circus. If it were Thunder Down Under, though…

Dani October 5, 2011 at 11:05 am

My hubby is also a big fan of At Home Naked. He started a tradition of Naked Sunday, when he lays around in bed all day watching football and never getting dressed. I’ve tried to point out the obvious notions of Good Naked vs Bad Naked but he thinks it’s all good. He couldn’t be more wrong.
Dani recently posted..Happiness is: 5 episodes of Hoarders

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Is he, by chance, Eastern European?

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

@Misty: If I needed tickets to said show…for a friend…where could I find them? You know what? On second thought, Adrian would heckle them the whole time, and then try to out-do them later at home, and he needs no further encouragement.

Jaclyn October 5, 2011 at 10:05 am

I feel like there is some important information missing about boner maintenance. Like, don’t dudes spend most of their time trying to hide their boners? Or maybe that’s just middle school dudes? I don’t know. I feel like dudes probably have boners all the time and really, no one wants to see that shit.
Jaclyn recently posted..THAT Lady…

Jackie October 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

You’re absolutely right. Guys – carry around a belt or an extension cord…something to whip that boner into submission. Or maybe everyone should be allowed to carry a boner-whip, because the chance of a man actually hitting himself in the junk is probably even less than the chance of him taking a weedwhacker to that overgrown tangled-up shrubbery that he calls pubes.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I have a friend who does just such a thing professionally. http://deadcowgirl.com/

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:03 pm

If I were a dude, I would go around poking people with my wang. Why doesn’t that happen more often, Jaclyn?

Jaclyn October 5, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Because it’s only funny if you are a girl with a dick? If a man does that it’s sexual harrassment. And you don’t have to take it.
Jaclyn recently posted..THAT Lady…

Noa October 7, 2011 at 12:00 am

I wannnnnntt it though.

Oh wait–more than you wanted to know about me, eh?

Bananaride October 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

I’m just going to suggest that if you’re frying bacon, you at least take the time to cover your delicate nips in advance. Pasties and Bacon Party!
Bananaride recently posted..It’s bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:04 pm

My nipples ache in sympathy pains now.

Dani October 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

Have all the naked you want, but if your belly flap covers your peener in a tragic case of dicky-do, then your point is lost and you might as well wear pants.

Thus endeth my lesson for today.
Dani recently posted..Happiness is: 5 episodes of Hoarders

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Your words are so impossibly wise, Dani.

Dani October 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

P.S.

I’m super giddy that my lesson in masturbation was so well received!! Thank you, Mom and Dad, for letting me learn these things the hard way, and for never updating your dictionary!! (“If it happened after 1932, she doesn’t need to know about it.”)
Dani recently posted..Happiness is: 5 episodes of Hoarders

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:05 pm

See? Misinformation almost always pays off (on unknown comedy blogs).

addtova October 5, 2011 at 11:16 am

The thing about nudists, is they must be cold ALL the time. I suppose the male nudists could use it as an excuse “stop judging me- it’s cold” but I think I would just freeze.

I bet they save a lot of money on detergent though.
addtova recently posted..2 Months and 10 years

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:06 pm

My house is at 80 degrees whenever I’m home, and I’m usually still cold. I could never be a nudist for fear of death.

Jenbug October 5, 2011 at 11:59 am

Dayam, girl! This one rocked it right out of the park! I’m the nudie-patootie in our house, so I don’t have many nekkid hubby stories. We have an open door policy at our house in that anyone who visits just knocks on the door as they open it and come right on in. Most of my friends have learned to also ask as they come through the door, “Are you still naked, or have you put clothes on your ass yet?” My answer is usually, “Oh, hey! Freeze! Nekkid bitch in the house!”
Jenbug recently posted..Sorry, Charlies. I suck and I need a good poke.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:07 pm

SWEET.

BTW–I have to have that same knocking policy–with my father in law. Classy!

Jen October 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

And don’t forget to trim that bush! Groom that muthafucka like it’s strutting the catwalk on Project Runway!
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken by Me and My Friends: Part 3

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Oh man–the bitches with the bushes and the nudity. Someone needs to slap a ho. I’m assuming you’re up to the task?

Jen October 5, 2011 at 9:19 pm

I’m donning my twat-smackin’ gloves even as we speak.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken by Me and My Friends: Part 3

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Are they covered in velcro?!?

Keith October 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

“On cold days, a twatscarf is recommended” may be the single most poetic thing you’ve ever written.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I’m touched.

Ninja Mom October 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I like to sing “poonsocket” in my head like I’m singing the titular part of “Moon River.”

Relevant? Not hardly!
Ninja Mom recently posted..This chicken’s not gonna brine itself.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

It sounds like “HOOOOOT Pocket” in my head.

Jake October 5, 2011 at 2:01 pm

When I read “Snatch Burns and Sleigh Bells” on Twitter, I immediately got that song from the Sound of Music in my head—a really fucked up version of that song, that is.
Jake recently posted..This is why we don’t buy flashy shit we don’t understand.

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I would pay a lot of money to have Julie Andrews sing that.

GirltoMom- Heidi October 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

For Dani- re: her comment- another good one to day to yourself is “Don’t hit the baby!”

The baby being you, because we were all babies once. Plus, I wrote a prayer for you today.

Girl to Mom.com- Heidi
GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted..A Prayer for Dani

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

This was cryptic, and yet so awesome.

Dani October 6, 2011 at 7:20 am

Heidi is every kind of awesome there can possibly be. Plus cleavage.
Dani recently posted..Pour some sugar on meeee….

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:58 pm

She’s totally gonna let me touch her boobies.

Angie October 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm

As I found this past summer, many like to disrobe in the bushes, behind rocks, etc., and then jump out just as you’re walking past on the trail. I heard more than once, “Angie don’t stare.” Come on… the dude was 70 if he was a day and sporting the saddest set of equipment I’d ever seen. I had to look. They knew I had to look. I think it was a bigger deal to them that I kept looking than the fact that we were surprised by a nudist. At least he went right to the cool mountain stream to find an excuse for his shrinkage. I will give him that….
Angie recently posted..If Ron Popeil Made Moms

Noa October 5, 2011 at 7:10 pm

It’s like seeing someone with a really weird hat. You know they know you’re looking, and you know they know they have the weird hat on, but you just can’t look away.

Really, either don’t wear the hat or cover the dick if you don’t want stares.

Jaime October 5, 2011 at 9:43 pm

seriously… twatscarf… hahahahahahahaha.. fucking love it!
Jaime recently posted..mmmmmmmmmmmmmm… brains.

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Keep that twat warm!

Tazer WP October 6, 2011 at 1:05 am

I would not recommend weed whacking in the buff. It does not help with your bush, contrary to popular opinion.
Tazer WP recently posted..It’s mah birthday, and these bitches made me cry.

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Oh God. Ohhhhhh God ouch. Oh God.

Dan Perez October 6, 2011 at 8:51 am

Dusting off my old fanny pack now. Thanks!
Dan Perez recently posted..Rett Syndrome: The leading cause of severe impairment in girls

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Anything I can do to help!

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Wow. That comment sounded more like an invitation to help than I would have preferred.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress October 6, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I SHUDDERED when I got to your tip about making sure junk was out of the way before closing cabinets and such. I don’t even have a wingdangdoodle and I cringed at the thought of slamming something on it.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Because everyone needs art

Noa October 6, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Like when you hear about someone getting shot? I do the same thing.

No, I don’t know anyone who’s been shot, why do you ask?

iampisspot October 7, 2011 at 5:03 am

‘When speaking with coworkers, friends, and family, make sure to non-verbally emphasize the fact that you’re not wearing a certain piece of clothing–most preferably by touching them with your newly exposed regions. As they say, a little less talk, a lot more of me straddling your stapler’.

Oh, Noa! I have THE WORST images in my head now, mainly of my boss straddling all manner of office supplies on my desk. Thankyouverymuch.
iampisspot recently posted..Balance

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Bring clorox wipes on Monday. I think you’ll need them.

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