A Series Of Texts To Someone I Shouldn’t Be Able To Talk To

10/17/2011 · 128 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

Good Lord, someone take my computer away from me.

Is there someone (dead or alive) you’d like to text?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dani: “I have been taking her advice on How Not To Get Hired very, very seriously… and it’s working like a charm. I have an interview this afternoon and I have my Whorish Outfit on, my meat sleeve prepped and ready, and my skankiest bra strap hanging down my arm. I’m considering “borrowing” the neighbor’s baby, just to show how much I love children. She’s my Role Model.”

Front Desk Ninja October 17, 2011 at 4:31 am

I feel all sorts of awkward for having a unicorn stuffed animal now… are they going to come alive and kill us? Troublesome!

I really want to text Betty White.
a) she’s fucking hilarious.
b) the image of her texting, like a motherfucking champ (because Betty White is the female Chuck Norris in my mind, that woman is nothing but fantastic), makes me giggle like this tea was laced with crack. Wait…

I also think texting Walt Disney would be helpful to generations of disappointed children. I want to know his actual intentions on killing parents and making guys seem to be fantastic things girls should want. We’re on to you, Disney.

p.s.
g’morning.

Kelly October 17, 2011 at 7:57 am

Please ask WD about the penis on The Little Mermaid cover art. I’m sure that would be a fantastic conversation.
Kelly recently posted..Evidently I woke up a polygamist this morning.

Dani October 17, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I want to be Betty White when I’m old. I get a mad visual of her texting and driving, running red lights and flipping the CHP the bird…

I have such lofty goals for myself…
Dani recently posted..Dani For the Defense… or Prosecution… Whatever

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Lack of safety and awareness is something we should all shoot for.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:34 pm

@Kelly: God knows he knew about it. I’ll ask him.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:33 pm

@FDN: I would particularly like to see Betty White texting Walt Disney. Don’t you think that would be entertaining as fuck?

Jen October 17, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Betty White, Walt Disney, and Nathan Fillion on a three-way chat. . .the perfect storm of fucking awesomeness. . .
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:34 pm

OH GOD. I think I just orgasmed.

Jen October 19, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Oh you KNOW you did, Bitch!
Jen recently posted..Check, please.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 18, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I’m actually in Disney World right now, so if I find Walt’s frozen head I will be his texting hands and get him in touch post haste.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Even if you’re stealing my underwear and making fun me and my belongings, it’s worth it.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:35 pm

He can type with his nose!

Havilah October 17, 2011 at 5:35 am

Good Morning! (I wish I felt that cheerful & energetic right now.)

Also: I knew there was a reason I felt compelled to give away my collector beanie-baby unicorn so many years ago. Psychic much? It’s a wonder it didn’t do something awful, such as murdering the computer I had it sitting on. (Die Gateway!)

Someone I would love to text is probably… Emma Watson. She seems like she’d be a lot of fun to talk to.

Also, thank you for asking about those damn confuzzling platypus. Next time, can you try asking about the flying fish? K thanks.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I wish I were that cheerful, too. But I’m never cheerful, so…

I’ll ask him next Tuesday. We’re going for happy hour.

Havilah October 18, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Sweet, thanks bunches, with pumpkin pie on top!

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Now I’m hungry. GREAT.

Havilah October 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

Just wait ’til Thanksgiving, then you’ll feel like you never want pie again! (At least I said that relatively near Thanksgiving, be happy!)

Front Desk Ninja October 17, 2011 at 10:14 pm

My morning is when “normal” people sleep. aka right now.
Also, I’m in Canada *and* in the Eastern time zone.

how do you like them apples?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..It’s Always One Bitch Who Kicks You In The Cooter That Ruins Your Weekend…

Havilah October 18, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Nice! My brother is in the Eastern time zone & it’s so confusing for someone like moi who is an hour behind you guys/gals. I feel like you’re all Time Lords or something…

Sadie Sez October 17, 2011 at 6:03 am

Dear Noa,

I am awed (but not surprised) by your amazing connections! You are IT! Next time you are chatting with Jesus, would you mind putting in a good word for Dudes? I am afraid they may all soon be obliterated by the women they have wronged (including me, but I’m willing to go to Hell for my part in their destruction).

Personally, I would love to text Cleopatra and get some tips on how to rule the world.

Jen October 17, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Pfft! Just text me, Sadie. The world is my bitch.
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I’m both aroused and scared.

Sadie Sez October 17, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Damn, me too!
Sadie Sez recently posted..Ghost in My Machine

Jen October 17, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Oh please. It is MY fucking world; I just let y’all live in it. . .you’re welcome.
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm

He says he’s not sure what the male design flaw is, but they’re working on a bug fix for that. Updates soon.

Alana October 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

I love it. You are a genius. Keep it coming!!

My practical brain just wants to text Amelia Earhart and ask her where the hell she went.
Alana recently posted..The Awesome Adventures of Nature (Geek) Girl

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:37 pm

They totally found Earhart’s stuff on an island not too long ago. She apparently survived the landing, but was never saved.

I’M SO FUCKING SUNNY.

Alexandra October 17, 2011 at 7:35 am

SO.
GOOD.

Esp. the unicorns knowing what they did.

hehehhehehe..

WIll be thinking up answers to that all day.

You are a genius.
Alexandra recently posted..Why People Pray

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Why thank you. Let me know what you come up with about Unicorns.

Misty October 17, 2011 at 7:55 am

Tacos, tetherball and mammoths? To ride? Damn, now I’m all sad. You know I’m not even making it close to that place. Me and my damn heathen ways.

Also, who knew that Jesus’ sense of humor was so Catskills, 1964? You would think he would get a better humor writer. Then again, they are all probably down south.

I would want to text Elvis. The end.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: AC Style!

Jen October 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm

You and I have box seats in hell when the rapture comes, Babe. We’ll be playing Twister with O.J. and Casey Anthony while the shitstorm flies!
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Someone needs to bring ice for the coolers. Shit’s gonna get hot.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I have a feeling that Elvis would just send out a ton of dick pictures. Thoughts?

Kelly October 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

That, and lined up empty prescription bottles. On a mirror covered with white powder and credit cards. And Snickers wrappers.
Kelly recently posted..Just call me Sasquatch. Minus all the hair.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

With his dick on all of them.

Misty October 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm

You have a valid point. In fact, if he was alive and still young, no doubt there would be multiple sex tapes as well.
Misty recently posted..Uh-oh . . . I’m scared.

Jen October 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Oh, if Elvis is showin’ up for a Twister match a bitch had best be bringin’ some peanut butter and bacon; and I think we AAAAALLLL know which beeyotch has the corner on THAT market.
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Misty October 18, 2011 at 9:55 am

Back away from my Elvis, bee-yotch!! I will cut you.
Misty recently posted..Spork me?? Spork YOU!!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I just imagined so many fat Elvises in so many positions. NO. No thank you.

Jen October 19, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Pfft! Bring – It. Game on party-people!
Jen recently posted..Check, please.

Jaclyn October 17, 2011 at 8:06 am

Jesus is just mad the unicorns are prettier than him.
Jaclyn recently posted..Potty Training? Already?

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Fucking unicorns.

Kelly October 17, 2011 at 8:11 am

I love how Jesus took you calling him “The Jeez” in stride. I bet he’s getting a t-shirt made, because you know he’s a total hipster in his skinny jeans and houndstooth Vans. E’ry day he be shufflin’, yo.

At first I thought maybe I’d want to text Lindsay Lohan, but only when she’s high, because of the entertainment value, but I bet she’d get really needy and someday wind up on my doorstep and I just can’t have that. Then I thought about Kim Kardashian, you know, to ask her why she’s famous, but I bet it would be the shortest conversation in history because I don’t give two shits about her clothing line at Tractor Supply Company or wherever the fuck.

I think I’d like to text Hitler. I’m sure he’d be fun to get riled up. And after every conversation I’d always feel better about myself, because I’m not Hitler.
Kelly recently posted..Evidently I woke up a polygamist this morning.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Jeez is pretty chill.

I…I really want to see you text Hitler now. Weirdest sentence I have ever typed.

Kelly October 17, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Me: So, Hitler… what’s with the ‘stache?

Hitler: *insert random German pissed off jabber that I’ll copy and paste into Google translate, most likely something like “YOU WILL MARCH THE WAY I SAY! YOU WILL SALUTE ME!”*

But I’ll have no idea what he’s saying, so I can continue to heckle him with gems like:

“I can’t believe you’re texting me since I have brown hair and brown eyes. You slummin’?”

“You want me to do what? You be trippin’. You need to go on Maury with THAT attitude.”

“You can’t make me, neener neener neener. PS: You’re dead. Suck it.”
Kelly recently posted..Just call me Sasquatch. Minus all the hair.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I love that you just asked Hitler to slum it.

Johi October 17, 2011 at 8:22 am

My Dad always wanted me to call him “Lord”. Maybe that makes me Jesus?
Johi recently posted..You had me at "Compression"

Heather Rose October 17, 2011 at 10:23 am

This is probably true. I always knew Jesus would look hot in yoga pants :)
Heather Rose recently posted..Pumpkins and pee jokes

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Only if they’re the capri kind. Gotta work those calves, Jeez.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Yes. Like Alanis Morissette in Dogma.

Jen October 17, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove.
Loki: Hey, fuck you man, because time’s going to tell on that one.

Best. Movie. EVER.
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:38 pm

I want you.

Jen October 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Honey, you couldn’t take half of me. ;-)
Jen recently posted..Check, please.

miakoda October 17, 2011 at 9:23 am

“They know what they did.”

/slow clap

Bravo, Madame. Bravo.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:42 pm

*Bow* Thank you.

Andi October 17, 2011 at 10:38 am

I want to text George Carlin. Mostly so I can tell him he was right all along. I think he’d get a kick out of that. Then I want him to give me his thoughts on the current political and world situation so I can stop being so depressed every time I think about it.

George Carlin is my homeboy.
Andi recently posted..Non-Sci-Fi Sunday

Paula @ thewilyweez October 17, 2011 at 11:07 am

I love George Carlin, his book Brain Droppings is in my top 5 favorite books of all time.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..This Weekend Probably Landed Me On The Homeland Security Watch List

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I have not read this BUT I AM BUYING IT NOW.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Oh God. If Carlin could see the world today–he might want to die all over again.

I miss him so.

Jaime October 17, 2011 at 11:19 am

hahahaha.. they know what they did
Jaime recently posted..Silent Sundays

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

It’s true. Fucking bastards.

Zombie, Esq October 17, 2011 at 11:25 am

I would hands-down want to text (and probably sext) Mark Twain. Here’s why:
1. White suit. Few men can really pull off white.
2. Sense of humor and a fan of cats? That doesn’t happen in the land of heterosexual men, does it?
3. He and Tesla were real life friends. So you know Mark Twain would totally have a cell phone that sent texts via lightning or something.
Zombie, Esq recently posted..Quarter Life Crisis

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I own several embarrassingly large Twain Anthologies. And here’s where I get all weirdly academic on your ass.

RE #2: There’s actually been a lot of research lately into whether or not Twain was straight or not. When you look at Huck Finn in a queer read, it sheds a whole new light on Twain–especially his religious satire.

MORE INFORMATION THAN YOU WANTED.

Zombie, Esq October 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I am working my way through the original autobiography right now, chortling all the way. Now I’ll have to watch for homosexual overtones. That’s really going to get in the way of this whole “Mark Twain is my future husband” goal I’ve had for the last few years.

Zombie, Esq October 17, 2011 at 11:19 pm

On greater thought, if we was actually gay, he would probably be even more fun to text. Mark Twain would be the sassiest gay friend of all time.

Havilah October 18, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I’m going to have so much fun reading anything by Twain from now on. My Dad is a hugenormous (because it requires a word like that) fan of Twain & quotes him all the time, now I will probably translate everything into “sassy gay friend”-style speech. How lovely.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Now I want to know why Sassy Gay Friend has not done Huck Finn.

Sars! October 19, 2011 at 10:41 am

I too am reading the Twain Autobio and I will start looking for the homoeroto…. excellent! And I think he and Tesla were Homies too
Sars! recently posted..the slope

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm

They were BEST FRIENDS.

Dani October 17, 2011 at 11:48 am

Everytime I text Jesus, he’s all, “Dude… I’m busy with Noa. Her questions at least have depth and merit. All YOU want to know is who’s gonna win on Top Model, and that’s kind of The Devil’s arena. Also? Get a job. Respect your mother. Quit bitching about the heat and humidity in Northern New York because I’m here to tell you, girl… you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Word. Now I need to get back to Noa and her valid questions about unicorns. OH, AND STOP SAYING “JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER.” IT’S JUST NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.”
Dani recently posted..Dani For the Defense… or Prosecution… Whatever

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Jeez has been ignoring me today. I didn’t know he was unlisted.

Mamy October 17, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Dear Eve,
What the fuck were you thinking eating the apple? We’ve been paying for that one ever since. You couldn’t have gone for the Krispy Kreme donut? I mean, come on, it was Paradise, they must have had better shit than the apple.
Mamy recently posted..It’s Inevitable…

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I HAVE WONDERED THAT FOR YEARS. Was the apple really worth thousands of years of crotch hemorrhage?

This is why I couldn’t go to seminary.

Misty October 17, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Wait. You think THAT’S the reason? Noa, sweetie, I think you just might be glossing over a few other reasons….. Just saying. :)
Misty recently posted..Uh-oh . . . I’m scared.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 8:43 pm

AMONG MANY, OKAY. Goddamn I’m a terrible person.

natalie October 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I like to picture my jesus a little bitchier.
natalie recently posted..The elephant in the room.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Don’t text him after 11 pm, and he damn sure is.

addtova October 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I think we all want to know… is Jesus Android or Iphone? My entire belief system hangs in the balance.
addtova recently posted..Getting it together- Organizing the pantry.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

PSH. iPhone.

Luvvie October 17, 2011 at 1:04 pm

THIS. WAS. HILAR!!!!!
Luvvie recently posted..Whose Ratchet Thigh Tattoo is This?

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Why thank you!

Stephanie October 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Ya know, being new to the blog scene – you read several peoples blogs, some you follow, some you comment on, some you like and check out their blog roll for similar blogs. Some you think are great and then you read some more and wish you hadn’t wasted so much time. You, Ms. Noa, I have decided is pretty much my “gospel” blog since you live in my previous land of smog and sushi and I like yours and everyone you recommend. Couple that with the hotline to the big J.C., you are my idol. Oops or am I not supposed to have idols… Ask him when you get a chance…
Stephanie recently posted..DO NOT Call Him Elmer…

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

That was so wonderful of you to say, and exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you!!

Jen October 17, 2011 at 3:01 pm

@HelenKeller – Hey, Helen! What’s crack-i-lackin’?
@JenReinmuth – Aaaarrrrggggllllhhhh. . .
Jen recently posted..Feel The Burn, Bitches.

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I cracked a rib reading this one.

Norway October 17, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Wait a second. You’ve got an in with Jesus and you’re wasting it talking about NIC CAGE MOVIES?!? I expected better…

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Is there a topic we’ve wondered more about than the existence of Nic Cage?

Norway October 19, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Well… Ah.

I guess there’s… Nope.

You could…

Ah, screw it. You’re right. Not even the republican presidential candidates can out-shitshow Nic Cage.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:22 pm

That’s the true devastation of this scenario–he’s possibly the worst thing the US has ever turned out into the creative field.

Naked Cupcakes October 17, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Jesus is infallible. Your mom’s inflatable. The end.
Naked Cupcakes recently posted..Cynicism 101 with Dr. Fingerbanging

Noa October 17, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I CRACKED ANOTHER GODDAMN RIB.

Satan October 17, 2011 at 8:05 pm

i’m pretty sure i need to be texting with The Devil.
i mean, he’s another bugger entirely, and he completely baffles me.
he’s pretty much to blame for all the shit *i* get blamed for. i protest this.
i need to have a good “come to jeebus” talk with The Devil. cuz he needs to own up to his own bullshit, and keep MY name out of it!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I bet that’s like being Tom and Tom, Jr–you get your shit all mixed up all the time.

But it’s Satan, so it’s way worse.

Feryx October 17, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Do fictional characters count?
I really want to text Jaafar from Alladin.

I just imagine he would be someone who’s good at antiqueing
Feryx recently posted..Inspired by Carly

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:40 pm

You know, I never thought about that, but yeah, I bet he is.

Miss Sassy Pants October 17, 2011 at 10:39 pm

And here I was thinking I had good connections after I got on a first name basis with the cashier at the liquor store.

Boy, your friends in high places sure beats my Liquor Store Fred with a mullet.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..This is straight ridiculous. #hideyokidshideyowife

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:40 pm

It’s good that you distinguished between mullet and no-mullet, because the no-mullet guy is a dick.

kim October 17, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Once, after telling a patient’s impatient father I was waiting for a call back from the surgical team, he told me to “Page Jesus if you really want THE ANSWER!”

But really, I’d love to send my ex-mother-in-law a test that says, “Thanks for absolutely nothing, you fucking bitch.”

Ooooooo, I’m gonna sleep well tonight.
kim recently posted..painting

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Page Jesus?

Jesus didn’t scrub in for surgery.

Goradde October 18, 2011 at 4:53 am

whoa what’s Jesus’ digits?
Goradde recently posted..Where are you, Mr. Bond?

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:41 pm

1-800-MRCLE-4-U

Angie Uncovered October 18, 2011 at 9:01 am

Rasputin- I need some tips on his powers of persuasion.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..You MIGHT be a fun sucker

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:42 pm

And he’ll probably want his jarred dick back.

i am pisspot October 18, 2011 at 9:36 am

I’d like to text Jennifer Beals. I’ve had the biggest crush on her since FOREVER. I am pretty damn sure that we would be perfect together, well, if she was gay. And not married to another person. And she actually knew of my paltry existence.

Other than these small obstacles, our future together is a bright one, I’m pretty sure of that.
i am pisspot recently posted..The blog post where I discuss my severe fear of E.T.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:42 pm

I think I’d like to set you up if I knew her, because she seems so cool.

Haylah Mae October 18, 2011 at 10:32 am

Holey Fuck-Stockings, I pee’d myself a little reading that.
Haylah Mae recently posted..Do Not Disturb

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I’m so touched!

Mandi E. October 18, 2011 at 4:49 pm

As one of my friends pointed out this morning, domestic turkeys, certain snakes, and even some sharks have been known to give virgin births. That’s a lot of messiahs, so you’re going to have to be more specific about which one you’re conversing with.
Mandi E. recently posted..On the chubby wings of cupcake angels

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:44 pm

It’s totally Turkey Jeez.

Monica October 18, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Two words: Unicorn Tacos. Heaven is gonna be so effin’ sweet. Too bad I’ll never see it.
Monica recently posted..Occupy Wall Street marches on

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:44 pm

THAT’S where they went.

Well, I’m even more excited.

Myth October 19, 2011 at 3:42 am

Zeus. Yes, the Greek god. (Or the Roman version; I’m not that picky.) Listen, dude, you and me, we need to have a talk. Don’t be offended; it’s just that… I think there’s a lot you don’t know about women, and I want to enlighten you. Most women—and by “most,” I mean nearly all of them—most women don’t like being groped by “showers of gold,” spooned by barn animals, chased across entire continents, transformed into house plants, or coaxed into lesbian sex with gods in drag. You need a new hobby. But it’s all right, because I’m here to help. Let me get my pepper spray and my Louisville slugger and I will teach you how to knit a scarf.

I also want to meet the inventor of the Hot Pocket. “SIR. SIR. I KNOW YOUR NUMBER IS UNLISTED AND YOU HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER BUT YOU’RE MY HERO. I MADE YOU A PORTRAIT OUT OF GLITTER AND MACARONI.”

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I love you so much.

1) Thank you for pointing out that Zeus was one way-fucked-up dude, proving that rich kid invincibility has been going on for ages.

2) I want to stab the Hot Pocket inventor, because I have numerous HP scars on my hands.

Sars! October 19, 2011 at 10:54 am

I have a short list…

*Margaret Sanger – Mostly to thank her profusely that I don’t have a gaggle of crotch fruit and and free to keep myself that way! But also to ask if she really just wanted to keep her time/money for herself and not get a roadmap of stretchmarks??? Love her!!!!
and
Confucius – Did he really say all those things or did he have a little team of helpers? And does he get all butt-hurt when we say them in engrish? And is he sad that his brilliance has been reduced to bits of paper in a fortune cookie?
Sars! recently posted..the slope

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:47 pm

I have often wondered if Confucius was for real or not. NOW WE CAN KNOW.

Jillian October 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Noa – totally agree with both you and Jesus on the Nic Cage movie thing. Guy gives me the heebies. Next time you talk to Him, can you ask him why they don’t make more double rainbows up there? I think if they did the world would be a much much happier place.
Jillian recently posted..Who am I you ask? Well, I’m not so sure

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm

He totally did that by accident. There was a huge mistake in the shipping department, so Mumbai didn’t get their rainbow that day.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress October 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Jesus responds to your texts????? Why do you always get the favorable treatment?

I once tried to text Motha Teresa about a meet and greet. I got something back about being dead or something. It was hard to read. I think she was blowing me off. Looks like she wasn’t much of a saint AFTER ALL.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Hospital gowns are a good look on me

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

That whore. I know she texted Grace the other day.

The Suniverse (@TheSuniverse) October 21, 2011 at 9:39 am

So many people I would want to text:

Marie Antoinette [shh, sweetie, no more talk about cake]
James K. Polk [Are you sad the only reason anyone knows you is because of Oregon Trail?]
Genghis Kan [You are seriously starting some shit]
Ronald Regean [You are also starting some shit. Just stop.]
The Suniverse (@TheSuniverse) recently posted..What Haven’t I Done? Glad You Asked.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Also, James K. Polk, how do you feel about your name being used as every 3rd street in the entire state of Texas?

Norway October 21, 2011 at 11:39 am

Hey, Noa? Can you ask Jesus to hold off the rapture for a little while? My best friend and I have plans tonight.

Norway October 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Never mind. APPARENTLY I wasn’t good enough to get invited to Jesus’ party. What gives??

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm

He just likes messing with us. It’s his thing–I couldn’t stop him if I wanted to. Which, really, I don’t–I love the news coverage too much.

Bethany October 28, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Anyone who hates Nic Cage as much as I do is definitely a Lord I can trust. Can you ask him if he hate Anne Hathaway too? If so, then I might just join a church.
Bethany recently posted..Dick The Halls

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:11 pm

He didn’t like Anne until she rapped on Conan. Then we all loved her so.

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