Funny Bitch Friday: Reasoning With Vampires

10/28/2011 · 58 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

Recently, I was pointed to Dana with Reasoning With Vampires. It was about 2 weeks ago, and that’s the last time I got any work done (thanks Heather Heartless.)

Dana’s blog is a line by line dashing of Twilight. She doesn’t make up the poor examples of writing, she doesn’t look for reasons to hate it. She merely points out what’s already there. She’s empirically proving how awful Twilight is. Even her post tags make me envious of her.

I love her. Unreasonably so.

Not only are her jokes on-point and unbelievably funny, Dana is simultaneously proving the necessity of good editing and the power of simplistic writing. She’s teaching you WHILE SHE’S MAKING YOU LAUGH. Dana’s an irreverent after-school special.

Go on, look at these examples of funny done right while I go and edit every post I’ve ever written.

When I read her blog, I take notes in between the laughs. Dear God, Dana, please keep bringing the funny.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Carrie-Cannibalistic Nerd: “I don’t know, I think I may like someone who always knows where my keys are. As long as they do a little housework between smelling my sweaters and crying into my placemats, I’m not sure I would mind.” October 28, 2011 at 1:13 am

Oh my, that is fucking beautiful… recently posted..Fuck Off, Pedobear!

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:14 am

Isn’t it just the best thing EVER?

Jaime October 28, 2011 at 1:14 am

thanks… now I’m never going to get to sleep!

(pssssssssssssst .. it’s a good thing)
Jaime recently posted..the people of Vogue may love you ..but everyone else thinks you look ridiculous

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:14 am

I’ve nearly failed a test thanks to reading this. Good luck.

Mrs. MidAtlantic October 28, 2011 at 5:44 am

I’d love to shove this post in my Twidiot coworkers face, but her grammar is so terrible I don’t think she’d even get that Dana is making fun of her.
Mrs. MidAtlantic recently posted..I spoke my mind

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

Go and read Dana’s Touche Page. It’s the best of the Twidiots.

Hoody Hoo October 28, 2011 at 6:08 am

oh sweet baby Jeebus, I think I peed a little!
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Party On, Party People!

Dani October 28, 2011 at 7:21 am

We both posted almost the exact same thing at the same moment… I’m suddenly a little frightened.
Dani recently posted..The Shouty McDeaferson’s Upstairs

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:15 am


Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

I knew you’d love this.

Dani October 28, 2011 at 7:20 am

“My eyes closed without my permission”…. Oh dear Baby Jeebus. I know saying “I shot coffee out my nose” is trite and trendy and something people say all the time when they describe their reaction to something funny, but in this case it’s actually entirely true. Thank God I’d just peed before reading this, because if I hadn’t, that line would have read “I just shot urine out of my urethra from laughing so hard.”
Dani recently posted..The Shouty McDeaferson’s Upstairs

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:16 am

That’s a perfect example of unnecessary exposition. Thank you!

Jaclyn October 28, 2011 at 8:07 am

I am absolutely in love with her blog. In. Love.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Bet Mud Huts are REALLY Hard to Clean

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:16 am

We all are, Jaclyn, we all are.

Kelly October 28, 2011 at 8:27 am

My kids are never going to get fed now. Noa, can you keep CPS off my ass since this is kind of your fault?

Dana, I think I might spend this afternoon building a shrine to you. Thanks to FBF, I’m going to have to rearrange my house due to all the shrine-building going on up in hurr.

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

I think CPS–when they find out what you’re doing–will join you in your work.

Monica October 28, 2011 at 9:13 am

My friends forced me to read at least the first one. My friends are 30-something moms, so there’s no excuse for how they abuse me. I wanted to spork myself in the eyes to make it stop. But then they’d probably just have gotten me the audio book.
Monica recently posted..Craft Friday: BRAAAAINS!

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

I’m sorry, but your friends sound just awful. Just…just awful.

Andi October 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

I’m with Monica. I was made to read the first book for Book Club. I was the only person easily able to restrain myself from reading the rest of the series, which I blame on being a romance novel connoisseur. When you know what a good romance reads like, it’s hard to mistake Twilight for one.

On the plus side — the only plus side — it’s not actually a wallbanger (good thing too, given that I was reading the hardback version — that would have done some serious damage). I’m now off to read the rest of the blog, because I wasn’t planning on being productive today anyway. Really.
Andi recently posted..Dear Diary, This Week I was Delusional and My Sister was Crazy…

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:18 am

I forced myself to watch a few minutes of the movie last night. I watched 15 full minutes, and in that time nothing fucking happened. Nothing. It was the most boring 15 minutes of my entire existence.

I hate it so much more now.

Andi October 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I applaud your sacrifice. Actually, I would if I were in any danger of watching the movie, since you just did a bit of community service there. PSA: This Shit Sucks Balls.
Andi recently posted..Dear Diary, This Week I was Delusional and My Sister was Crazy…

Kelly October 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

The movie is awwwwwwful. I think watching earthworms mating would be more entertaining. Hubs bought it for me, thinking that I’d really enjoy it (i.e., he’d get laid after we watched it together), and we shut it off halfway through because Kristen Stewart’s constant “I’m not sure if I just threw up in my mouth or shit my pants” look is the only emotion she has. I wish the van would have smashed her. That would have been entertainment.
Kelly recently posted..My brain is speshul.

Jen October 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

Favorite lines from “Twilight”:

‘”Aren’t you hungry?'” he asked. ‘No.’ I said. I didn’t want to tell him my stomach was full. . .full of butterlies.”

Are. You. Fuck. Ing. Kidding me? A mentally challenged four-year-old could eat a box of AlphaBits and crap out better dialogue than that.

Huzzah, Dana! You are the schizz-nit!
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 4

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:19 am

Do you think that’s how Meyer actually wrote the series? Artistic shitting?

Jen October 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

I read that she came up with the idea after having a sex dream about vampires. Sooooo, basically she dreamed about fucking pasty, anemic underage boys. ((shudder!)) Thanks for the insight, Mary Kay LaTourneau.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday: The Birthday Edition

Stephanie October 28, 2011 at 10:15 am

Why stop at Twilight? There’s tons of books which require this – especially many of those celebrity autobiographies. (Miley Cyrus, I love you but I’m looking at you – you are less than 21 – how can you need an autobiography?)

It should be worth mentioning though, that all four Twilight books are apparently the top 4 worst books of all time…
Stephanie recently posted..How To Get A Free Pizza

Noa October 28, 2011 at 10:19 am

I love how well Dana is proving that to be absolutely true.

Dana the Biped October 28, 2011 at 10:20 am

This Dana is cooler. I want to be this Dana. You wouldn’t happen to have her personal information/tax documents, would you?
Dana the Biped recently posted..Grimm

Heather Heartless October 28, 2011 at 10:25 am

Oh, you’re most welcome for me fucking up your lives with educational hilarity.

Together we can put an end to grammar abuse. Did she not see the commercials where Rachael Leigh Cook demonstrated what happens to our brains on stupid?

I have an uncontrollable urge to bludgeon every “. But” I see now.

The force is strong in this one.

Let her be our leader.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Monica October 28, 2011 at 10:34 am

The thing is, I actually understand why 14-year-old girls like this series. Kids are retarded and easily swayed by crap. I’m baffled by the adult love.
Monica recently posted..Craft Friday: BRAAAAINS!

Andi October 28, 2011 at 1:24 pm

YES. Times a thousand. Even my friends who read good literature regularly have read and enjoyed Twishit. What the hell? Did the publisher put acid on the pages?
Andi recently posted..Dear Diary, This Week I was Delusional and My Sister was Crazy…

natalie October 28, 2011 at 10:48 am

genius. pure genius.
natalie recently posted..Yes, I know… something is wrong with me…

Alicia October 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I love how Bella describes her body like it’s a giant Power Ranger robot being controlled by various people. Blue Ranger! Feel bella’s stomach with butterflies so she will reject the food offering. Pink Ranger! Make Bella unbelievably indecisive about every fucking thing! Orange Ranger!…you don’t excist, but when you do, you can control Bella’s vagina. We don’t use it that much.
Seriously Noa, you gotta watch the movies so you can laugh. They’re on my top comedy films list.

Alicia October 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I meant to put fill! I suck at everything.

Monica October 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm

You don’t suck at making me laugh.
Monica recently posted..Craft Friday: BRAAAAINS!

Kelly October 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Green Ranger: make Bella have only one expression, regardless if she’s teetering on the edge of a huge depression or she’s so fucking happy she can’t see straight. Also, make Edward look like (even when he’s smiling) like he has hemorrhoids the size of bowling balls.

I’m interested to see if her face will change when she gives birth. Speaking of, the fact that she got knocked up by a dead guy – first of all, he’s dead. Second, he’s cold. I think I’ll just stop now. I’ve completely disgusted myself with where my mind just went.
Kelly recently posted..My brain is speshul.

Malia October 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I can’t stop laughing – thank you!

Christine October 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

How in the hell am I supposed to get any work done now that I know this blog exists? Must. Resist. Clicking. Link.

Aww… fuck it.

addtova October 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm

hahahahaha Hilarious! Those books remind me of badly written wedding blogs. The ones with 9 posts on how he proposed and what color the cake is. Except that I like cake.
addtova recently posted..Happy Halloweekend!

Jillian (The Other One) October 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I’m not sure if I’m technically taking the day off as I spend hour upon hour reading, every two or three minutes punctuated by a highly attractive snort of laughter, or if, since I work for a publishing company, this could be considered “research”…

L.A. October 28, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Funny Bitch Friday has seriously just enlarged my blog reading library. PLUS, this one is about GRAMMAR and I LOVE GRAMMAR. I judge people by their grammatical errors. I refuse people on online dating websites because of poor grammar.

Them: “hey, u r beautiful wanna chat.”

Me: “Unfortunately, your message had the vocabulary and grammar of an uneducated neanderthal. Therefore, you must not be able to engage in any sort of normal conversation, and I will not be contacting you further.”
L.A. recently posted..This is why they shot Bambi’s Mom.

Lex October 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I have spent way too much time reading Dana’s blog as opposed to doing things like folding laundry or feeding my kids.

Seriously one of the best tumblr blogs on the interwebs!
Lex recently posted..Dude, I (still) totally miss you

Brianna October 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm

She is my favorite thing. I was pointed to this from your Twitter thing about it. I hope her awesome can be transmitted via internet, because I’ve had her Tumblr open on my computer for a week.
Brianna recently posted..The Mike Curse

Jillian (The Other One) October 29, 2011 at 1:28 am

Your blog won’t let me comment, but I just had to tell you that I have a Mike Curse too. Four of them in five years. I feel your pain.
Jillian (The Other One) recently posted..Love Letter to America’s Favorite Pastime

Brianna October 29, 2011 at 1:38 am

It’s an epidemic. So you understand then! How exciting. Isn’t it just redic?? Too much of a mediocre thing in my opinion.

Also, why wouldn’t it let you comment?? Just wondering so I can fix it :D
Brianna recently posted..The Mike Curse

Jillian (The Other One) October 29, 2011 at 11:07 pm

After I clicked “Post Comment,” it told me that I wasn’t allowed to view the page. There is a strong chance that it is user error, though. Goodness knows I’m not tech savvy.

And yes, I do understand!! When I meet a new one, I legitimately begin the conversation with “Hi, I’m Jillian. I don’t date men named Michael.” It always gets a laugh, both when I say it and later in the conversation when they realize I mean it. “Too much of a mediocre thing” is now my new favorite way to describe it. Thank you :-)
Jillian (The Other One) recently posted..Love Letter to America’s Favorite Pastime

Feryx October 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Oh shiz I think i’m in love, and not just in my pants.
Feryx recently posted..I failed at water which was sex but it’s water

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I love love love the juxtaposition of your comment and your latest post title.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 29, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Hey, look at me as the fave comment – hooray! I thought the best way around not having to read the Twilight books was to have a sister who read them as a guilty pleasure and told you the plot, but Dana’s approach clearly takes the cake.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Saturday Morning Ridiculousness: Super Friends S1 Ep7

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:13 pm

My sister tried. She made it 12 pages in and began to cry from boredom.

Myth October 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Reasoning With Vampires is a dream come true to me. I’ve read all four of the Twilight books, but careful objective analysis has never been my strong point; I love how Dana meticulously picks apart the grammar and turns up mistakes I never noticed.

The Twilight saga was a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I will admit, without shame, that I fangirl Jasper, and he can roofie me whenever he wants with his weird-ass vampMeyer powers. I’m actually very eager for Dana to hurry up and get to Eclipse, because my favorite scene ever is in chapter thirteen there. Jasper tells Bella his backstory, and some parts of it struck me as inexplicably, ridiculously hilarious. Example: After becoming a vampire, Jasper (who had been a military official in his human life) is made to command an army of baby (i.e., newly-changed) vampires. This is plot-relevant in Eclipse, because guess what? The antagonist has an army of baby vampires! You’re so helpful, Jasper. Before he tells Bella the whole story, though, he pulls up the sleeve of his sweater to show her his scars. He has what Meyer describes as an “intricate web” of crescent-shaped vampire-bite scars going all the way up his arm. Tons of them. He’s in a sweater, like I said, so bear in mind we only know how many are on that ONE arm.

He does this mainly as a lead-in; Bella is understandably appalled and asks what happened to him. But I can conclude one thing and one thing only: baby vampires are very bitey. Like ornery hamsters. Or piranhas. When I think of this tiny detail, a detail that I’m sure most people didn’t think twice about, I picture a swarm of fun-sized little vampires latched onto Jasper by the teeth. Just like piranhas.

I asked a friend to draw this. If/when she does, I promise I will show you.

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I…I want you to be my best friend. I fucking love your comments.

Dana has mentioned a couple of times that Meyer’s writing is somewhat hypnotic. It’s easy to get lost in and ignore the critical analysis. The more I read into that shit, the more I realize that Meyer is not a novelist–she’s a bad sex fanfiction writer. The writing style is stilted and shitty. If it ever gets out that Meyer wrote fanfiction before twilight, the publishing industry is fucked.

mark @ yelling near you October 30, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I’m not familiar with reasoning with vampires, but I soon will be. Awesome samples and so incredibly true. I hate it when I get seated next to a badger on an airplane.
mark @ yelling near you recently posted..The Society of Uncompromising Men

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:17 pm

They’re always hogging the fucking armrests.

Dana October 31, 2011 at 1:39 am

Holy Hell. Hi. I got an email from Noa, but I didn’t know of the existence of this post until a message I received today.

Can I just say I love the idea of The League of Funny Bitches?


Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm


You made my whole day commenting here. Welcome home, snarky literature ho, welcome home.

Britt October 31, 2011 at 11:32 am

I am forever indebted to you for opening up my world to this fantastically hilarious woman.

This is brilliant.
Britt recently posted..You Just Look Slutty

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I–like a ridiculous fangirl–actually sent Dana an email telling her how much I loved her.

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