Funny Bitch Friday: Portlandia Mom AKA Jen E Sais Quoi

10/21/2011 · 60 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

There are a few people in the world whose humor is such that when they tell a joke, I must sit back, witness the fuckery, and then begin to laugh my ass off. These are the people who help give me the balls to say the terrible shit I say.

Jen is most certainly one of those people.

Feel The Burn, Bitches.

I Wanna Be A Billionaire So Frickin’ Bad

“Oh, God! OHHHHHH, God.”

An Open Letter To Adam Levine

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends

An Open Letter To Our Waitress

If you think that’s funny, you should also stalk the comments section here. Jen’s tearing up the jokes and earning strikes against her restraining order from Nathan Fillion all ova’ the place, y’all. Keep brining the funny, Jen!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kelly: “I think the fact that that link had the top five is scarier than the actual pictures… because it means there’s MORE out there somewhere. I think I’ll tape one of those on my mirror and use it as a benchmark – “Do I look better than this trainwreck?” Yes, feel free to leave the house. No? Consume something lethal in mass quantities. As for bad luck, nothing really comes to mind except that dear daughter asked me what a sister wife was and how babies were made all in the same day. I’m thinking the only thing that could have topped that afternoon was if she would have also started her period.”


Tazer WP October 21, 2011 at 12:20 am

YESSSSSSSSSS I LOVE THIS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

I knew I made the right choice.

Front Desk Ninja October 21, 2011 at 12:48 am

Dammit Tazer beat me to the punch!

I’m going to steal the first Canadian bitch to love her spot. I also think I’m unofficially adopted. If not, then, …. this is awkward. I should return the matching tshirts and hair scrunchies.

She’s also really creative with her cubicle poetry, and office supply crafting.
OHMYGOD Idea: A kids craft show. But for adults.

I need more tips on how to be better at procrastinating!

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Jen, do you see this? They’re fighting over how awesome you are.

Jen October 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Pfft! Duh. . .
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:51 pm

goddamn I will never be this cool.

Johi October 21, 2011 at 6:42 am

I have a little rating system for funny.
Not funny- I’m annoyed that I wasted my time when I could have been parenting my children again.
Funny- I snort whilst reading.
Really Funny- I openly guffaw and may or may not drool on the computer screen.
Hi-Fucking-Larious- I make my husband sit and read (or listen to me read) the funny, taking breaks only to cry a little and wipe my tears.

Jen is Hi-Fucking-Larious.
Johi recently posted..Dining at Denny’s

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Yessssssss. I love that rating system, and Jen. And also you. And now it’s weird.

Johi October 25, 2011 at 4:34 pm

It doesn’t get weird with me until there is tongue or excessive thigh involved. You’re still good.
Johi recently posted..Dining at Denny’s

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I look forward to crossing your boundaries.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 21, 2011 at 7:56 am

An awesome early birthday present for Jen, congrats!
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..R.I.P. – A parking lot kind of looks like a funeral procession, anyway.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:03 pm

HELL YES, JEN. Happy early birthday.

Jaclyn October 21, 2011 at 8:14 am

Definitely one of my favorite bitches.
Jaclyn recently posted..Potty Training? Already?

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Same here!

Jen October 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

Ho. . ..Ly. . .Fuck. . .Ing. . .Shit. You guys have officially made this old bitch’s YEAR! Pfft! As much as I kowtow to Tazer’s Sporkitude and am unwilling to embrace Ninja’s passion for the anemic mall rat that is Ryan Gosling I am in overwhelming awe to be in the “League”, y’all.

Now that we’re in the same club are we gonna have slumber parties and braid each other’s hair and shit, Johi? Or maybe just prank call cute boys from Denny’s?

Carrie: I’m STILL waiting for that picture of Nathan Fillion eating bacon. Hook a bitch up!
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Our slumber parties tend to involve more Gag n’Rally than braiding. It’s how I know you’ll fit right in.


Misty October 21, 2011 at 8:32 am

She is one funny bitch, that sister wife of mine.

Way to go girl! You deserve to be in the League, big time. Keep bringing the Hi-Fucking-Larious, as Johi would say.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Pinkalicious

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm

You beat me to the sister wife. Goddamn it.

Jen October 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm

There’s always room for one more in the quilting circle, Noa.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Only if you let me braid your hair.

Mandi E. October 21, 2011 at 9:29 am

I love Jen’s blog. Reading her tales from my former neck of the woods is the kind of commiseration that keeps me from strangling people with my phone cord.

She is always, and I mean ALWAYS good for a hearty belly laugh (and what is sometimes the only ab workout I get all week). Example:

I just did a Google search for “Nathan Fillion eating bacon” and her blog is the top two results.
Mandi E. recently posted..The lesser of two evils is being chained to the stove.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I’m oddly aroused by that comment.

Thank you.

Jen October 21, 2011 at 9:37 am

Oh shit, you’re right Mandi! I also apparently pop up when one googles “Stalking Nathan Fillion”. I am so screwed.
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Mandi E. October 21, 2011 at 9:44 am

Yes, I was going to mention that, but then we’d run the risk of Noa being hauled off for stalking too, or at least as an accomplice or something. It’s bad enough if one of you goes to jail and I’m at a loss for good reading material. I couldn’t handle losing both of you. Then I’d actually have to be funnier in my own blog.
Mandi E. recently posted..The lesser of two evils is being chained to the stove.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:08 pm

@Jen: When you reach that level in google, you’ve arrived.

@Mandi: Wouldn’t be the first time. It’s cool, it’s for a good cause.

Paula @ the wilyweez October 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

Yay Jen! You are one funny lady! However, I think it would be wise for us to start a bail fund for when you finally get arrested for stalking Nathan…the fund will consist of copious amounts of Canadian bacon.
Paula @ the wilyweez recently posted..Fuck You Fridays: The Husband Edition

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I had no idea Canadian bacon worked as bail in Canada. Now I need to get arrested there.

Haylah Mae October 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

Kickass for Jen! She makes me pee myself almost daily (and I like it!).
Haylah Mae recently posted..Internet Guy

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Wear your depends, yo, and keep on readin’.

Dani October 21, 2011 at 11:25 am

J’adore la Jen!! (I have tons of complimentary things to say about her but I’m a little out of funny today. My dad is dying and despite my talent for inappropriateness I seriously can’t think of one really excellent thing to say about Jen’s freaking awesomeness…. and she deserves real excellence.)

Your blog makes me laugh myself into a pants wetting asthma attack, my dear.

Dani recently posted..Hark the Harold Camping Angels singggg…

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I hope Jen keeps you laughing through all your sadness right now.

Jen October 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, Dani. Glad I can cheer you up a little right now.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday

Andi October 21, 2011 at 11:53 am

Yay, Jen! I have to hang around her because she makes my Nathan Fillion crush look normal. Also, she makes me laugh til I snort (I originally wrote snot. That too).

Sorry about your dad, Dani. I do like your “pants wetting asthma attack” description, though.
Andi recently posted..She’s a Scrape — Half Square, Half Drape

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I think Jen shall henceforth be known as Cap’n Tightpants.

mark @ yelling near you October 21, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Congratulations Jen! This is excellent and deserved. I’m always happy to see a fellow bacon aficionado that knows how to bring the funny in a huge way get recognized. One small step for man, one step closer to Nathan Fillion for Jen.
mark @ yelling near you recently posted..The Dishwasher Wars

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:13 pm

I’m now sure that the FBI is tracking Jen thanks to all of these comments.

Jean October 21, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I make sure to stop by daily. Anyone whose loves include bacon and Nathan Fillon can only be someone that must be read.
Jean recently posted..A note to our esteemed friends at the Fish and Wildlife: mountain lions are alive and well here

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Jen: I’ve got Funny, Bacon, And Nathan Fillion. And that’s all you really need in life.

Heather Rose October 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

You know, as soon as I start liking something, everyone else hops on the bandwagon and starts liking it too. Then I dont look like a trailblazer, I just look like a pathetic Jonas Brothers groupie. Way to ruin my coolness, Jen. Thanks a lot.
And congrats, or whatever. :)
Heather Rose recently posted..Fab Friday: Samurai life skillz

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Don’t be startin’ fights!

Angie Uncovered October 21, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I love me some Jen!
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Say It With Snark

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm


Jen October 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Y’all are killing me with the love! How can I keep bringing the snark when I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy?

Oh, and Mark? If this brings me closer to Nathan Fillion there will be restraining orders involved. I’m just sayin’. . .
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I’m sure, it being YOU and all, that the snark will shine through.

sars! October 21, 2011 at 3:43 pm

you know central coast of cali has to open its bacon filled mouth on this one… to you my dear I say Ku-Dos… the chocolate covered kind and everything. You make me snort-piss-laugh often and I have fallen off my chair at least once.

woot! (sorry, my inner nerd escaped)
sars! recently posted..the slope

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I’m assuming the wetness lubricated the chair fall. Safety first when reading comedy blogs, yo.

wagthedad October 22, 2011 at 1:33 am

Jen rocks, but I have the strong suspicion she’s a card-carrying Rebublican.
She once called me a “liberal” because I said it was OK for women to nurse their kids at Denny’s.
I’m just sayin’. Jen makes me write posts about orgasms, though, which is also the coolest in my book.
wagthedad recently posted..Plan of Attack

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Ah, the elusive male orgasm. It’s good you cover that.

Jen October 22, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Not only am I a third generation Republic (making me a virtual leper here in the People’s Republic of Portland, Oregon), I am also a card-carrying member of the NRA. Yes, I’m a snarky bitch with a gun. be very afraid.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Son of a bitch I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU.

Jen October 23, 2011 at 11:22 pm

The Republican party is like porn. You are socially programmed to dislike it and you hate how dirty you feel when your subjected to it, but there is something so oddly fascinating that keeps drawing you back.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:55 pm

You know what that also is? Sado-Masochism.

Kelly October 22, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Jen has caused me to spit on my keyboard several times. Thank God we both didn’t get raptured, so she can keep writing and I can keep reading.
Kelly recently posted..When predicting the end of the world, is the third time the charm?

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:19 pm

If we’re all gonna go to Hell, we’re all gonna laugh on the way.

Britt October 24, 2011 at 1:16 pm

L-A! Yes!
When I first heard of that name it made me guffaw. And throw up a little bit.
Nothing is more charming than sounding out punctuation in a name. And by “charming” I mean “deserving of slaps.”
Britt recently posted..House of Horrors… Now With More Garbage Bags.

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:56 pm

It was only rejected off our list based on the etching abilities of the tag machine at PetCo.

Britt October 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

Britt recently posted..You Just Look Slutty

Britt October 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

… you know it’s pretty impressive that somehow i managed to comment on the WRONG post.
Pretend this was on that post regarding the ridiculously cute dog.
Happy Motherfucking Monday.
Britt recently posted..House of Horrors… Now With More Garbage Bags.

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm

It’s cool. It’s like a special hidey-hole comment. Or glory hole.

Yeah. Gloryhole comment.

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