Funny Bitch Friday: I’m Not Really A Barista

10/06/2011 · 36 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

Everyone has that friend that you always look to for advice. She’s always punctuated with hilarity with some really fantastic ideas about how you should not be such a douchebag and just live your life for once–like a black movie character written by a team of white guys.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The League now has one of our very own–Allie from I’m Not Really A Barista.

Some of her obscenely funny advice columns:

My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Eat At My Lady Buffet

Snooki Is Making Me Feel Sexually Inadequate

Female Anatomy Is Super Confusing

How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Punch Me In The Face?

And other fucking funny posts:

Because All Women Want To Be Strippers

You’re Kidding Me, Right?

Dude On Craigslist Explains How To Be A Catch

Sister Wives. Skeeved Out Blogger.

I’m currently researching how to become a stripping sister wife with Allie.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Jake: “When I read “Snatch Burns and Sleigh Bells” on Twitter, I immediately got that song from the Sound of Music in my head—a really fucked up version of that song, that is.”

 

Tazer WP October 6, 2011 at 11:55 pm

holy fuck.

I just started reading her about 2 weeks ago, and I must say, well, holy fuck.

yes. I said it. Twice.
Tazer WP recently posted..It’s mah birthday, and these bitches made me cry.

Jen October 7, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I miss you, Taze. Where ya been?
Jen recently posted..How To Stalk Nathan Fillion

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

@Tazer: I think she’s deserving of both holy fucks.

@Jen: Seconded.

Allie October 7, 2011 at 12:16 am

Well, it’s official. I’m in love with you. You might want to get a restraining order now before things gets weird.
Allie recently posted..Help! My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I’ll let things go way too far before I pursue any legal action. I’m pretty needy.

Front Desk Ninja October 7, 2011 at 4:31 am

Dear Noa,

Thank you.

-Ninja

Dear Allie,

You’re fucking hilarious. Can I stalk you in a not so secret way?

-Ninja.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..all the ups and downs and you can’t get off

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Dear FDN:

Always Welcome. Always

-Noa

Allie October 8, 2011 at 6:51 pm
addtova October 7, 2011 at 10:31 am

yay! More funny internet peeps! Why cant all the real life people be so awesome?
addtova recently posted..Giving Thanks- Canada style

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Because we’re spread too far apart. The internet brings all the fucked-up together.

Paula @ thewilyweez October 7, 2011 at 10:59 am

I fell in love after just reading the titles of her posts!
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..F*ck You Fridays: Round Cinq <–That’s French For Bitch Tits

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Ditto–I spit out what I was drinking when I read her posts.

Cinnamin October 7, 2011 at 11:19 am

Hilarious! She had me at “lady buffet.”

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

If I had a nickel for everytime a guy said that to me.

Dani October 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

//madlove

I didn’t believe in soul mates until RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Seriously, there is a blue bird sitting on my shoulder AS I TYPE THIS trilling, “Ahhhh sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found youuuuuu” in my ear.

Truest fucking story EVER.
Dani recently posted..Facebook Status of the WEEK 3

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Be real–that bird is a rabid squirrel.

Dani October 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Ummmm… I would love to have a sister wife and I’ve taken a pole dancing class… I hope that isn’t a deal breaker…
Dani recently posted..Facebook Status of the WEEK 3

Jen October 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Amen, Dani. I am dying to find a Mormon bitch stupid enough to watch my kids and clean up my shit while I fuck her husband. That’s the American dream right there, baby!
Jen recently posted..How To Stalk Nathan Fillion

Dani October 8, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Right?? A friend of mine wanted to invent her own religion, Nomrom, (which is Mormon spelled backwards) and have 3 or 4 husbands. On one hand, that could totally work… I could easily spend the money of 3 or 4 working men without any problem.

On the other hand, there are many days when I don’t want to deal with the one man I already have, and multiplying him times 3 is probably not worth owning my weight in Gucci bags, ya know?

A sister wife, now, would at least clean the house and do my laundry. That I could totally get in to. And when my husband was being a complete douchenozzel, I could say, “Here… YOU fuck him tonight” and then actually get some sleep.
Dani recently posted..All Hail The Mighty Oprah

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I can’t get over Jen’s view of the American Dream, because while I’m sure most people would be horrified, I started planning shit out.

Monica October 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Excellent blog. If you’re going to slurp cock, he needs to munch carpet. That’s what my momma used to say, anyway.
Monica recently posted..Smacking your bitch up could be legal in Topeka, Kansas

Dani October 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

The expression “slurp cock” totally makes me want to go lesbian. Like, right now. And your momma sounds wise, baby. WISE.
Dani recently posted..All Hail The Mighty Oprah

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Parents are always the ones with the wisest advice.

Kelly October 7, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Each Funny Bitch Friday makes my grinchy heart grow one more size.

Now if that wasn’t fucking warm and fuzzy, I don’t know what is.
Kelly recently posted..Fair warning: I’m highly caffinated.

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Each Friday, we’re less and less cold-hearted bitches.

Jenbug October 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I love me some Barista. I’ve been stalking her for months! Thanks for letting everyone else know about her awesome self!
Jenbug recently posted..Sorry, Charlies. I suck and I need a good poke.

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW OF THE AWESOME.

Jen October 7, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I need to have this bitch over for a fine night of reality TV viewing. It’s all Bravo and TLC allllllllll the motherfuckin’ time at my pad, yo!

Dani October 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I’m pretty sure we were separated at birth. Just sayin’. Throw in a little OWN and some OXYGEN and I’m there, baby.

Oh, and drinks.

And Queso.
Dani recently posted..All Hail The Mighty Oprah

Jen October 8, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Amen, Dani. I need a few more Braxton Family Values in my life, yo.
Jen recently posted..How To Stalk Nathan Fillion

Noa October 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Please tell me that your living room ceiling light is a disco ball in the shape of Captain Picard’s Nutsack, Jen.

Jen October 8, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Pfft! You know who’s nutsack it’s in the shape of, Noa. Did you not see the title of my latest post. I’m watching you, Nathan. . .
Jen recently posted..How To Stalk Nathan Fillion

Noa October 10, 2011 at 12:21 am

I….wow…now I have a really strong need to complete a really fucked-up craft project.

Allie October 8, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I’m nearly speechless that all of you have such nice things so say about my blog. All jokes aside, I’m so thankful that Noa G and you cool, funny bitches (dudes included) gave me some time out of your day.

Oh God, that was really emotional… um…. balls.

Alright, I feel better now.
Allie recently posted..Help! My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Eat at my Lady Buffet

Noa October 10, 2011 at 12:21 am

You fucking deserve it, you hilariously funny bitch.

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