Fuck Clowns. No, Wait–Fuck Velvet. No…SHIT.

10/31/2011 · 153 comments

in HorribleSketch, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

QUICK. Think about what you’re afraid of.

Was it clowns? Or mice, maybe snakes? Could be spiders. Or the dark, or knives, or the possibility that someone could be hiding underneath your car to cut your Achilles tendon. Maybe even Oprah.

If it was anything in that list, you’re much less fucked-up than I am. I would be much happier to stand in a dark and blood-filled room that someone tells me is haunted by the spirit of a crippled and homicidal child who was killed in a horrific fire than deal with any of these things.

1. Butterflies or Moths

Moths are dust-covered denizens of doom who were put on this planet to hide in dark corners that contain shit I need. They’re harbingers of hate and dirt and I’m pretty sure they invented Allergies in conjunction with the government in order to dominate mankind. Damn dirty winged bastards.

“Butterflies are so pretty,” I hear you saying. “Noa, they’re lovely and perfect and delightful.” Go fuck yourself. Butterflies are just moths that evolved with makeup on TO TRICK YOU INTO COMING CLOSER. They’re the windowless vans of the entomology world. Don’t take the candy, kids; those tricky bastards will get you every time.

They all must die. All of them.

2. Top Gun

I’m gathering new evidence every day that not only was Top Gun a GIANT SHAM, but also the direct center of all evil in the world. Top Gun ruined Kelly McGillis’ career and careened her into a future of shitty TV movies (one with Val Kilmer, even). Top Gun changed Tom Cruise irreparably into a monstrous frightening douchebag, and slammed Val Kilmer into a dark spiral of Krispy Kreme and fuckery. I think it could possibly be North Korean propaganda. Top Gun, you are a traitor.

I will never forgive you, Top Gun.

3. The Fact That The Maury Povich Show Is Not Scripted

Sometimes when I start to feel like my life is going downhill, I look for the Maury Povich show to make myself feel better. Hey Noa, at least you know who you had sex with last night. Hey Noa, at least you know your baby daddy ain’t a playa. Hey Noa, at least you’re not being brought on national television to be told that your husband is actually Lady Gaga’s greatest character play of all time. I laugh a little, I eat a popsicle, and I feel better.

Then, I start to realize the implications that the Maury Povich show has on the human condition. It’s not scripted. There are people in this world who watch the show and think, “that’s the best way for me to confirm paternity, in lieu of the kit that is readily available from every Walgreens in the United States.” These people drive cars, prepare food, and quite obviously procreate. Shit. Made myself afraid again.

4. Velvet

It’s soft, it’s rich and sumptuous, and it is the stuff of my worst nightmares.

I can’t touch velvet. I can’t even think about touching velvet. Or velour. Or anything that even kind of resembles the most royal of terror fabrics.

I’m crippled by this strangest of fears in the absolute whitest of ways. I have to call movie theaters before we go to see what type of seats they have. Several performing arts centers in Dallas are coated with velvet–handrails, seats, floors, armrests, bathrooms–there’s nowhere safe to be. It’s similar to being caught in a dream running from the boogeyman but you just. can’t. run. fast. enough. I’m a slave to Aisle 3 in Joann’s.

I am the lamest bitch of them all.

5. Bloody Goddamn Mary

Fuck me running. I won’t be doing that shit again.

Happy Halloween Motherfuckers! What are you afraid of? Has anyone ever scared you as a prank? How do you react in ‘Haunted Houses?’

Favorite Comment from The Last Post
From Jen: “Favorite lines from “Twilight”: ‘”Aren’t you hungry?’” he asked. ‘No.’ I said. I didn’t want to tell him my stomach was full. . .full of butterflies.” Are. You. Fuck. Ing. Kidding me? A mentally challenged four-year-old could eat a box of AlphaBits and crap out better dialogue than that. Huzzah, Dana! You are the schizz-nit!”

 

Front Desk Ninja October 31, 2011 at 1:40 am

I am so fucking with you on the moth/butterfly thing!
There’s an embarassing story to be told here about how I refused to come into this office I’m currently in one night this summer when a moth made a home out of the space that should have been MINE. Tears and calling every single person in my cellphone at four am may or may not have occurred so I could get the data entry portion of my job done.

I’m a grown up woman. Apparently.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I once almost killed my best friend in a horrific car accident when a moth entered my car and proceeded to fuck all the shit up. No shame, lady. No shame.

mark @ yelling near you October 31, 2011 at 2:09 am

It’s so sad what’s happened to Val Kilmer. They really ought to diagnose him with some sort of disease that can be named after him. I don’t care if it’s simply addiction to greasy food – we can start calling it Val Kilmer Disease. Not quite as bad as Lou Gehrig’s disease, but equally terrifying as the effects have been documented widely. Plus, it has a nice ring to it.
mark @ yelling near you recently posted..The Society of Uncompromising Men

Lynne October 31, 2011 at 6:40 am

It’s funny; a friend of mine and I were just discussing last night about how incredibly hot Val Kilmer was as Jim Morrison and the fact that they basically could’ve been twins. Then came the awkward silence of how we both know he looks…..unkempt…now but neither of us were sure we should make fun of him in case he has some sort of medical condition.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I wish I could say that Val’s only issue is letting himself go, but the fact remains that he’s also a giant douchebag. I guess that’s what happens when you’re in Top Gun.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

@Mark: They do have a name for that disease. It’s call Doucherrhea.

iampisspot October 31, 2011 at 4:10 am

Balloons.

Balloons in the general vicinity of children who have a tendency to pop them.

That is what I am most scared of.

Oh, and birds.

Especially pigeons.

I generally throw myself to the ground when one of those evil winged fuckers flies at me.
iampisspot recently posted..These things I know

Dani October 31, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Anything with wings that flies at my head is guaranteed to induce a frantic dancing, screaming, head-slapping reaction in me. Truest fucking story EVER.
Dani recently posted..Halloween Confidential 2: The Embarrassing Case of the Awkward Banana

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

There was a bird loose in my library last week. I did witness a girl laying on the floor and screaming while someone dragged her away. I now understand.

Maggie November 1, 2011 at 10:46 am

OMG. My parents have a farm and the barn where the horses and sheepies are HAS TONS OF PIGEONS. And they literally swoop RIGHT AT MY FACE. They don’t do this to anyone else, so no one in my family believes me but it happens. One time, two pigeons were fighting in the rafters and I was trying to walk out of the barn and they FELL ON MY HEAD WHILE FIGHTING and got in my hair and so my reaction was, “FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU FUCKING BIRDS I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER FUCKING FUCK!” screamed as I ran toward the house. I live in a small town, I’m sure this was entertaining to the neighbors. But anyway, pigeons are terrifying.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Those pigeons sound more like shitty roomates than wild animals. I am so sorry.

Maggie November 1, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I was going to say “Yes, exactly!” until I thought about roomates I’ve had. I once lived with a Serbian woman who refused to call her boyfriend (who lived in Serbia) in any other location than her bed… Which was in our 8 x 8 dorm room. She would then proceed to yell in Serbian at him (I think? That language sounds kind of angry anyway so maybe she was saying sweet nothings?) at the randomest hours. Tough call between pigeons and her…

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Serbian is like German–the perfect shouty language.

Also? I’m sorry.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Pigeons are bastards. No wild-ass animal with that amount of human interactivity tolerance should be allowed to roam free. Those bastards will do anything they can to kill you.

Laura October 31, 2011 at 4:17 am

You can buy a paternity test kit at Walgreen’s? The fact that I didn’t know that makes me feel smug and superior. Thanks!
Laura recently posted..Pop Quiz

Dani October 31, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I actually learned that by watching the Maury Povich show. Ironic, right?
Dani recently posted..Halloween Confidential 2: The Embarrassing Case of the Awkward Banana

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

If only people knew that Maury doesn’t pay, and that you can find your baby daddy in the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Jen November 1, 2011 at 12:44 pm

That is a truly disturbing commentary on the Baby Daddy phenomenon.
Jen recently posted..What’s Cookin’, Good Lookin’?

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

You totally can, and you totally should feel superior.

Brandi October 31, 2011 at 5:57 am

I’m so with you on the velvet. Thinking about touching it makes my teeth hurt. Also? Construction paper. Not only does the feel of it make want to punch puppies in the face for relief, but HEARING someone else touch it sends me right over the edge.

Do you even realize how much it sucks to be my kid? “Sorry, sweetie. No you can’t have any of that wonderful, colorful paper to make all the pretty things in your imagination come to life. Here’s a ream of plain white, floppy copy paper, though! Have fun!”
Brandi recently posted..You know me so well.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Your kids will be more imaginative because of your phobia. Way to stick to your guns, Brandi.

Hoody Hoo October 31, 2011 at 6:18 am

definitely agree on the moth/butterfly thing — HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR LITTLE MANDIBLES? They want to eat us. And now I am officially afraid of Val Kilmer, who may also want to eat us…
Hoody Hoo recently posted..I’m Just a Big Ol’ Ball of Spite

Misty November 1, 2011 at 11:05 am

I think he might HAVE already eaten a few of us. Roll call . . . who’s MIA lately? Hello? Hello? Damn, it’s too late!
Misty recently posted..Well F**k You, Too, Performance Review!

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Funny you should mention MIA–that singer hasn’t been seen in a while. I assume Kilmer is suspect.

Noa November 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

They’re tiny little made-up demons. I hate them all, even the endangered ones. Butterflies, I mean, not Val Kilmers.

Hoody Hoo November 2, 2011 at 6:11 am

if there are endangered Val Kilmers, it’s gotta be the diabeetus. Call Wilford Brimley!
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Ya Think Ya Know Somebody…

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I imagine that Santa Fe is now setting up a Val Kilmer Park where they let the few remaining ones run free and breed without threat of poaching.

Mandi E. October 31, 2011 at 7:25 am

I used to get excited about Halloween and getting dressed up in creative costumes that I sewed, hot glued, or otherwise fabricated with my own two hands and the herpes of craft supplies. Now I’m just the poor bitch who walks into the haunted corn maze, punches the grim reaper in the cubes, and trips over the mummy banging the random Hello Kitty skank in one of the dead ends before getting fed up with the whole experience and kicking down the haybale walls to create the shortest path to my bottle of wine.

The only thing good about this “holiday” is that I’m going to work with my hair all messed up, wearing PJs Slippers, and a coffee mug permanently glued to my hand. In other words, what I was wearing when I tore myself out of bed, with the addition of a bra and mascara.
Mandi E. recently posted..A village to raise a child, and a child to raze the village idiot.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Your reference to costume fucking brings to mind this sort-of-unrelated story. This past June was AnimeCon in Dallas–it’s held at the Sheraton which is 2 blocks from my building, and when I went to go grab a coke from across the street, I happened upon Sailor Moon giving a Dragon a blowjob right in front of the bank building.

I sat and watched.

Dani October 31, 2011 at 7:49 am

1. Mayonnaise. Don’t come near me with that shit. If you put it on my sandwich after I tell you not to, I will cut you. I’m afraid to order anything from Subway because they keep the mayonnaise knife right next to the mustard knife and I’m afraid my mustard will be contaminated.

2. Bats. I once beat myself almost to death because a leaf fell on my head while I was sitting around a campfire and I was pretty sure it was a bat. I damn near knocked myself unconscious slapping the crap out of my head. Ever notice that this shit always happens when there’s a large audience?

3. Weiner dogs. I’d rather parachute into a den of rabid pitbulls than come across a lone weiner in a dark alley. There’s something just not right about them. And they sense fear.

4. Bees. Goddamn buzzing, stinging, kamakaze motherfuckers.

Otherwise, I’m chill.
Dani recently posted..Halloween Confidential

Jen October 31, 2011 at 11:41 am

Oh my God, weiner dogs are a fucking abomination on a Island of Dr. Moreau level.
Jen recently posted..Every Breath You Take. . .

Dani October 31, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Thank you for validating me, Jen. Usually when people find out I’m terrified of weiners, they find it amusing. There is nothing amusing about those long, pointy, vicious little bastards. Nothing.
Dani recently posted..Halloween Confidential 2: The Embarrassing Case of the Awkward Banana

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I was once assaulted by a miniature weiner dog, and have concluded that they’re all bastards.

Bananaride November 2, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I thought I was the only one. I truly did. I refer to Mayonnaise as “the devil’s nectar” and I am completely unable to order a sandwich of any kind if I’m not able to watch the person making it the entire time. If even the slightest HINT of mayonnaise comes near my food, the entire meal is considered contaminated and must be destroyed.

You can imagine how awkward it is to explain to everyone when we order office lunches.
Bananaride recently posted..It’s bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Fucking mayo is the worst shit ever.

Both mayo and fucking mayo, which is traditionally known as semen.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:10 pm

@Dani: FUCK MAYO. I HATE that shit. I’ve also seen someone accidentally (and yes, it really was accidental) beat a bat to death with a swiffer. A pinata was involved. It may be one of the funniest memories I have.

Jayne October 31, 2011 at 8:01 am

Pretty sure Top Gun is the reason Kelly McGinnis became a lesbian, too.
Jayne recently posted..“Are You Being Sarcastic?” “Well No, Duh!”

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Agreed, my friend.

Monica October 31, 2011 at 8:04 am

I fear origami. I’m sure I don’t need to explain it.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I, oddly, agree.

Stephanie October 31, 2011 at 8:06 am

Top Gun has ruined more than their careers. It’s the reason why girls think their first time will be special and that Take My Breath Away will be playing in the background.

Fuck that – lets have a movie that popular that shows the first time is clumsy and more likely than not the guy is going to ‘accidently’ put it in your butt because he doesn’t know where he’s going.
Stephanie recently posted..Happy Halloween!

Norway October 31, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Wait, you mean it WON’T?? Well, crap.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Someone had to tell you.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I laugh because it’s so disturbingly true.

Heather Rose October 31, 2011 at 8:12 am

I once almost had to be escorted out of a butterfly conservatory. Little winged fuckers kept flying at my head. Apparently aquariums dont take it kindly when you swat at endangered species.
Heather Rose recently posted..Fab Friday: Best photo ever

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I’m banned from the Denver Butterfly Pavilion for just such a reason!

Angie Uncovered October 31, 2011 at 8:34 am

Holy balls Val’s looking pretty bad these days, though the extra pounds he’s added to his face have filled in some of the wrinkles he was sporting a few years back.

My fears are all totally logical according to my shrink! My fear of being consumed by my fears is apparently reason to see a shrink.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Why do men… Round Three!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Val’s looking so rough. Perhaps now you have a new fear to discuss with your therapist.

Kelly October 31, 2011 at 8:58 am

I have an irrational fear of covered bridges. Not the quaint “Bridges of Madison County” Americana bridges, but the big steel contraptions that make me certain that when the bridge collapses as I’m driving over it (BECAUSE IT’S GONNA) that the steel “pretties” (because what fucking use are they) are going to trap me in the river. Also? That fucking overpass in Dallas when you get off I-35E and are getting on I-45. FUCK. THAT. I have nightmares of my car flying off that fucking thing.

Oh, this was supposed to be about Halloween? Hmm. Well, as we have established, I am the biggest fricking wuss alive. I can’t handle people wearing masks, scary movies (although I am fond of The Walking Dead), and I have seriously peed myself in a haunted house before. And I didn’t even care, because I felt like God smiled upon me just getting me out of that goddamned torture chamber of “good, clean, fun.”
Kelly recently posted..Let the flogging begin: I hate Halloween.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Oh the High Five. That’s some terrifying roadway, and a popular suicide location.

I scared my mom to tears on that once.

Cate October 31, 2011 at 9:21 am

I hate butterflies too! I get made fun of mercilessly! One landed on my hotdog as I was eating it when I was 6 years old and I have been afraid ever since. My husband chased me with a dead one once!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Mine came from living in the country in Colorado for so long, where each spring there is a moth infestation all over that state. Seriously 30-60 of those fuckers in your house EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

You know how the news said to get rid of them? Open your microwave in the dark, and when they all fly in, press the “add 30 seconds button.” It disgustingly worked.

Jen October 31, 2011 at 10:18 am

I am fucking terrified of VelCro. The scrape-y meets plushy thing is just intrinsically wrong and that ear-shattering SCCCRRREEEETCCCHHHH noise it make when torn apart is the stuff of alcohol-induced night terrors. My short peple learned to tie their shoes in utero so I wouldn’t be subjected to that shit.

Oh, and clowns. Fuck clowns.
Jen recently posted..Every Breath You Take. . .

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Now I have a new fear.

*shudder*

Abby October 31, 2011 at 10:39 am

Accidentally turning on the garbage disposal instead of the light above my sink. I’m not even kidding. It’s my Vietnam.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Horror movies have made me afraid of mine.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 31, 2011 at 10:41 am

I’m afraid of parties where I don’t know anyone. And in a related story, I was afraid of having to pair up with a partner in school if I didn’t have a friend in class. Maybe I should just get honest about it and say I’m just afraid of people, in general.

And I’m not afraid of spiders, but I’m afraid that each unidentifiable spider I see is a Brown Recluse. I didn’t “find out” about them until I was in my twenties and I spent days angrily accusing loved ones of withholding important information from me.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Happy Halloween from a Punk in a Garfield Shirt

Misty November 1, 2011 at 11:12 am

Yep, right there with you on the going to parties where I don’t know anyone, or maybe just know 1 or 2 people, because what’s the chance that those 2 people want to spend the entire night just hanging out with me or that they don’t know anyone else either? Probably none. I’ve been to many a baby shower that left me in cold sweats just thinking about attendance. I’m such a fucking social butterfly!
Misty recently posted..Well F**k You, Too, Performance Review!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd November 2, 2011 at 11:03 am

Oh, yeah, only knowing one or two people is almost worse because then it would be “rude” to just back away into the shadows and get the hell out of there.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Dead Procrastinator Society

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:19 pm

@Carrie and Misty: This is why I drink at parties. After a couple of drinks, I forget I don’t know anyone.

Bethany October 31, 2011 at 11:05 am

I am an agoraphobic (recovered for the most part) so I am pretty irrationally afraid of everything, but some of my favorite fears long before labeling my disease are:
1) Flushing toilets in a public bathroom by myself – that shit is too loud and I always expect a fucking murderer to drop pop out of a stall Scream style.
2) Styrofoam on Styrofoam – just unnatural!
3) People with thin lips – they can’t be trusted.
4) sending emails without spell checking – tell me you aren’t afraid of that one?!
Bethany recently posted..Dick The Halls

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I HATE styrofoam on styrofoam. That unnatural squeak.

Ugh.

HeathRobots October 31, 2011 at 11:21 am

I am afraid of space. Thinking about it too much will give me a major panic attack. It might be b/c I almost fell out of the ride Space Mountain as a kid. Or it could be that the dark, vast, infinite, unknown is a mind fuck. Probably the Space Mountain thing though.

And just to clarify, the Jimmy Dean sausage commercial with the lethargic people dressed as planets does not scare me. But I wouldn’t invite them to my Halloween party. #Standards

DogsOnDrugs.com October 31, 2011 at 11:35 am

Ooh, that’s a good one. Think too much about the vastness of space, and you can really, really weird yourself out.
DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted..The Week In Review

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd October 31, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I once had a dream where i ended up drifting in space and it completely sucked. It was one of the few times I woke up from a dream like so many people do in the movies.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Happy Halloween from a Punk in a Garfield Shirt

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:20 pm

@Heath, Dogs, and Carrie: Adrian also has a similar fear of space from watching so much Science Network. His nightmares are narrated by Morgan Freeman thanks to that shit.

AshleySmashley October 31, 2011 at 11:34 am

1) Cotton balls. Holy fucking shit, removing nail polish is like my own private hell.
2) Coyotes. I live in the boondocks, so it’s a problem.
3) 18-wheelers. I have a panic attack EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I have to pass one on the interstate. Someday, my passenger front tire is gonna fly off my car and I’m gonna be decapitated Jayne Mansfield style. I just know it.

Dani October 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Because I’m an asshole, I feel the need to share this with you:

I grew up in the Central Valley in CA, Land of Many Semis (due to all those damn orchards).
I had a total freak out every time one of those bastards passed me while I was driving in my stupid little Toyota because I was sure I was going to get sucked underneath, never to be seen or heard from again.

And then…

I read in the paper about a Volkswagon bug having that ACTUALLY HAPPEN. Some kids were driving down the 99 and literally got sucked beneath a semi and DRAGGED about 40 miles, to Stockton, when the truck turned off and pulled into the yard, only to discover the car wedged beneath him.

I know, right?
Dani recently posted..Halloween Confidential 2: The Embarrassing Case of the Awkward Banana

AshleySmashley November 1, 2011 at 8:21 am

I hate you so much right now.

In semi-related news, last night there was apparently some kind of fucking coyote convention outside my OPEN WINDOW. What the fuckity fuck, y’all?

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm

@Ashley: Cotton balls and crunchy snow…UGH.

@Dani: Like a horrifying Christmas Vacation? No thank you.

Teresa October 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Ferrets. They look like fancy, fancy snakes in their little fur coats. And the running! They run like the inch worm on Sesame Street inches, except they are going horror movie fast. That’s not right.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm

THANK YOU. They’re awful. AWFUL.

Dana the Biped October 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I have a rather desperate fear of mailboxes. Particularly sad, since my mom is a post master, and I grew up surrounded by mail. Actually, it was fine when I was a kid. Then you get things like birthday cards with confetti inside in the mail. But I am deeply afraid of getting Bad News Mail. It started in high school, when I got a suicide note in the mail–a few months after my friend had killed himself and I was finally starting to cope. I actually have to take anti-anxiety medication before collecting my mail.

And my landlord wonders why it always takes me at least a week to respond to mailed notices.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Cake or Death? I Choose Option C, Shoes. Oh, and Death Too, I Guess.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I would be afraid of the mail to. Shit. That’s not cool at all.

Dana the Biped October 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Yeah, that wasn’t really funny.

Happy Halloween! May your day not be as effed up as I am! :D
Dana the Biped recently posted..Cake or Death? I Choose Option C, Shoes. Oh, and Death Too, I Guess.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I’m confused by this. It happens a lot though.

Chris October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

That one horror show where the lady’s throat keeps swelling and swelling until it explodes? That scared the hell out of me!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:23 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

GASP.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Megan October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

The tubes of cinnamon rolls or biscuits that you have to peel open and they pop. My husband has to open them for me and I have to leave the room.

Sarah K B October 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I make my dad open those tubes and I also have to leave the room!

Kerri October 31, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I know! Really? is there really a need for food canisters that you actually have to explode to use? True story (sorry) whacked on on the counter once to get it open and the end shot out and left a nice round bruise on my stomach. Hubby has to open them for me now.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:24 pm

@Megan, Sarah, and Kerri: Once when I was a teenager, I was unpacking groceries for my mom, and one of the tubes exploded. I thought I was being shot at, so I hit the ground, only to see the doughy bullshit on the floor.

I felt like a jackass, but feel much better to know I’m not the only one who’s freaked out by them now.

Andi October 31, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I’m reading these lists and feeling really normal, because I’m not afraid of any of that stuff. Er, maybe I should list what I AM afraid of before I get too cocky: people hiding in the backseat of my car, and anyone who looks like my mother.

Those ghost stories where you look in the rearview, and there’s some THING in the back seat? AAAAAARGH. I couldn’t watch the TV show Supernatural after seeing the pilot, because that was part of the plot. AAAAAGGGGGHHH.

Also, I’m afraid of my mother, so I’m afraid of people who look like my mother. This means I’m afraid of people like Vanessa Redgrave. That’s really hard to explain.

If you want to truly terrify me, dress up like Vanessa Redgrave and pop up in my backseat while I’m driving. Of course, you have to be prepared for me driving into a wall and/or trying to beat you with my purse while operating a moving vehicle.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday

Misty November 1, 2011 at 11:17 am

Afraid of “anyone who looks like my mother.” Ha!! I’m just afraid of my mother. Does that count?

And your mom looks like Vanessa Redgrave? Sweet! My mom looks kind of like a corpse. But not in a good way . . . .
Misty recently posted..Well F**k You, Too, Performance Review!

Andi November 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I actually think Vanessa Redgrave looks kind of desiccated….on the way to corpse-dom. I’d google pictures of her to prove it, but I want to sleep tonight.

And now I’m wondering if anyone looks like a corpse in a GOOD way?
Andi recently posted..On the Track of a Renegade Gorilla….

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:25 pm

@Andi: I check my backseat every time I get into my Jeep. Every. Single. Time.

@Misty: I’m afraid of people who look too much like Glenn Close. It’s fucking strange.

Misty November 3, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Andi: Haven’t you seen how good some of those people look after they’ve had their mortician make-overs? My mom could use one of those. Take that statement however you would like.

Noa: I completely understand that. I’ve seen her and her movies. She is the stuff of nightmares.
Misty recently posted..Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Deux

Sarah K B October 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I HATE butterflies! A couple of years ago, my family convinced me to go into a butterfly room at a museum. This wasn’t a room filled with dead butterflies, oh no, it was a room filled with flowers and hundreds of butterflies flying around. I spent less than one minute in the room before a butterfly landed on my arm. Yeah, I freaked out and ran out of there!

I also hate balloons popping. I always get scared, even if I am the one doing the popping!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Dirty winged bastards. They’re a fucking nuisance.

Grace October 31, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Geese…’nuff said.

Lana November 1, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!! Run faster!! How bout you also share how you freaking flip out in haunted houses!!

Lana November 1, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Just remembered the other goose story!! I think they have it out for you.

Dani November 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Geese are assholes. I wrote a blog about that recently. The sonsabitches have been mocking me since I moved this friggin’ close to the Canadian border. I think Canada needs to pay attention.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I like that you think Canada has a rove of mocking geese at the border.

We only have chupacabras here in Texas.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I love that fear, because it produces some really kickass results.

Rebecca October 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I’m terribly afraid of wet hair. You know when you’re in the shower and after washing your hair you sometimes get one on your arm or twisted round your fingers? That’s when the panic hits and I think I’m going to die.

I also pass out every time I see anything shark-related. There’s a new tv advert for something or other and apparently they needed a shark present to sell whatever it is and I faint everytime it comes on tv. Funny story though – a few years ago I went scuba diving while on holiday and my mother waited until we were back home to tell me that there were actually sharks in the water where we were diving. Thanks, mum! I’m not sure floating unconscious underwater is the best defence against shark attacks.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I’m sure shark week is a fucking delight for you, then.

Nancy Davis Kho October 31, 2011 at 6:04 pm

So I’m such a baby that I have had a lifelong promise to myself to not even THINK of what I’m most afraid of. See, if I form the thought, then one day if I am kidnapped by psychics, aliens, or Christopher Walken, then they will be able to read my big fear and use it against me. So I guess my biggest fear is forming a thought of what my biggest fear is.

And now I’m shaking and holding a flashlight under my chin. Damn you.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I’m sorry. On the bright side, this was a really fantastically awesome comment.

Johi October 31, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I fear NOTHING! Muahahaha….
My list is the norm: clowns, snakes, Michael Bolton (sorry Noa, I know that you love him), the fluorescent lights at Wal-Mart and snot. Probably in that order.
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Johi October 31, 2011 at 7:16 pm

How did I forget Madam from Hollywood Squares? Repression… me thinks.
Johi recently posted..Yes. I’m Still Here. Barely.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I fear the death of Michael Bolton, and for that I offer no apologies.

Kerri October 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm

OK, finally someone understands my aversion to certain fabrics. I can actually handle velvet but velour – who the fuck invented velour?! But you know what’s worse – that crap that they make hospital socks out of! You know the shit that is SO slippery that they have to glue tire tread to it so that you don’t go slip sliding away.

Oh and wooden popsicle sticks – I have to waste half of a damn popsicle because if my teeth come into contact with what wooden shite in the middle, I will gag and may even vomit up all of that purple goodness.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:28 pm

That soft shit kills me. I hate it. My mom once made me wear velour leggings when I was a kid and I still begrudge her that.

Kerri November 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

Did your mom hate you then? You should be able to report that as child abuse!

Noa November 7, 2011 at 11:28 pm

She really enjoyed seeing me suffer.

Gia October 31, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I HATE velvet. UGH. Just thinking about touching it gives me goosebumps. In general I can’t handle really soft things, but velvet tops the list. I feel your pain.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Thank you for understanding the horror that is soft fabric.

Ninja Mom October 31, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Chalk. It’s my velvet.

Try having kids and not touching any chalk during their upbringing.

My vision of hell is getting thrown naked and slightly damp into a pit of a chalk.

Also, dampness scares me.

Especially damp newspaper.

I’m gonna go call the after hours number for my therapist now.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Gremlins: The True Halloween Story.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I see your aversion to chalk, it’s some really terrible shit. I’m sorry you have to deal with it…UGH. I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Laura October 31, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Cherry vanilla ice cream. Seriously. I’m over it now, but I was terrified of it for about 15 years. It was the first thing I ate after I had my tonsils out, and the cherries were sort of wrinkled and shriveled up before they were frozen, giving them what felt like razor-sharp edges. It was like eating shards-of-glass ice cream.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Shards-of-glass ice cream sounds like the best treat ever.

Gena October 31, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Old people. When I was a kid, I used to help my mom volunteer at a nursing home, and it was fucking terrifying. I’d picture one of them grabbing my wrist through the bars of their hospital bed, eyes white and mouth gaping. I don’t like the way old people smell, I don’t like when they make that horrible chewing motion with their mouths. They honestly freak me out.

Of course, I’ll be 40 next year, so now it’s more a question of fearing and hating what I’ll inevitably become someday. I’m really hoping Jack Kevorkian trained a grandchild on his good works before he kicked the bucket.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I bet you’ll be a shitton of fun when you’re old and at a nursing home.

LustStarrr November 1, 2011 at 9:47 am

My irrational phobia: the drains at the bottom of pools, or pretty much any underwater suction device larger than a bathtub plug hole. I get the heebie-geebies just thinking about it. *shudder* You should totally go on Maury for your velvet phobia! He has people that are scared of all sorts of stuff, like pickles, balloons, birds… ;)

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I watched a preview of Final Destination 4 and now I’m afraid of pool drains, too. Hrrrckkk.

Suzie November 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

I hate Praying-fucking-Mantis. I have been dive bombed and attacked by these fuckers more often then I can count. My kids caught one and kept it in one of those “grow butterfly” habitats and I mentally tortured it DAILY. Hate them!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I wasn’t freaked out by them until I saw a headless one crawling outside my window once. Now, terrified.

Sarah November 1, 2011 at 11:15 am

Okay, so I am not fearful of velvet, but OH. MY. GOD. Silk. Ew. I hate the feel of it. I hate the fact that it was made by tiny little worms who are venerated like Gods. Those are freaking worms, people! And you have trained them to make something that you then make into shirts and expect me to wear? Hell no! Then let’s talk about the guys who think it’s okay to wear worm byproduct with the top two buttons unbuttoned and chest hair and then hit on you in the most inappropriate places– like at kids soccer games or the urgent care center. True Story. They make sheets out of it? You expect me to sleep on worm excrement? And don’t even get me started on the 80s flashbacks, which are scary enough in their own right.
All of this to say I am happy to find someone else with an aversion to a fabric.
Sarah recently posted..No Tricks, Just Treats!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I’ve often thought about the weirdness of silk coming from the asses of bugs. You’re pretty literally swathing yourself in shit. I used to laugh when people would demand to only try on silk dresses from the bridal store I worked at so they could be a princess for a day.

Misty November 1, 2011 at 11:31 am

I once was at an amusement park and went on a roller coaster that went up up up in this dark tunnel and then was supposed to plummet down once it reached the top. However, this particular coaster chose that moment to malfunction and instead plummeted down backwards. This is when I discovered that I was most terrified of having the coaster that I was on ram into the next coaster that would be shooting out of the gate. And while sitting there, in the dark, at the bottom of this hill, in a broken coaster car, shaking in my boots in anticipation of that death coaster coming full speed behind us, might have been the one and only time I actually prayed to a deity.

Also? Jersey walls. Having to drive between them on a highway whilst construction is pending and feeling like they are going to close in on me or I am going to ram into one side or another is pure hell. I might be a little claustrophobic, so there’s that. But that makes me white knuckled with fear and heart palpitations.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I was once on a rollercoaster that had a brake malfunction. It moved so fast we out-ran the flash on the camera and I swear I blacked out at one point. They had to e-brake it in the platform area and I lost a cup size that day.

Yet, I still ride the shit out of them. LOVE ‘EM.

natalie November 1, 2011 at 11:56 am

I am in love with the fact that you are scared of velvet. Now let’s be besties forever and ever.
natalie recently posted..It’s going to happen, I swear…

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Done.

Lana November 1, 2011 at 12:29 pm

This is awesome!! Remember the butterfly t-shirt I got for you and the velvet card??
Nothing like exploiting someones deepest fears for a good laugh!!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

YES I FUCKING REMEMBER THE VELVET AND BUTTERFLY BIRTHDAY. YOU ARE A DICK, LANA. YOU ARE A DICK.

Becca November 1, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Holy SHIT. I FUCKING HATE BLOODY MARY.

Bloody Mary is responsible for my neurotic bedtime ritual/rules. It goes something like this…

1. The bed cannot face the entrance to the bathroom, or the bathroom mirror (I refuse to wake up and see her damn unforgiving suck your soul face looking at me)
2. All bedroom lights must be manned by a dimmer switch giving me the option to be tucked safely in bed before I turn them off (got to watch out here, she could shoot her bloodied arm out from under the bed and grab you)
3. Once the lights are off, all limbs must be covered by a blanket or sheet, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES can these limbs dangle over the edge of the bed (again I refer you to rule 2)
4. If you have to pee in the middle of the night you must avoid looking at the mirror in the bathroom at all costs, even if you break your leg and stub your toe in the process (she wants you to look in the mirror….)
5. If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown you flush the toilet. Wait for the entire flushing and tank refilling ritual to be over, then wash your hands under ten seconds and do NOT LOOK IN THE MIRROR. (Side note, I also leave antibacterial gel next to the sink for after the quick hand wash— what, just because I don’t want my soul to be sucked out doesn’t mean I don’t want to be clean)
6. DO NOT LEAVE any closet doors open (she could slink in there when you’re not watching, which also leads me to….)
6a. When turning on the closet light in the morning open the door just wide enough to fit your hand through, feel for the switch, wait for the light, retract arm to ensure hand is still attached and then enter.

That’s it. That’s the list. I know it’s crazy, but they’re my rules and I don’t break em. Been Bloody Mary free for over 15 years now (and yes I had a bad experience, and no I can’t even begin to talk about it).
Becca recently posted..And Then He Said, “Roast Them…”

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:35 pm

The Grudge has made me afraid to close my eyes in the shower, regardless of the amount of soap in my eyes, but damn girl, you fucking win.

whatavieau November 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Frogs & grasshoppers…I freak right the fuck out when shit hops like that at me. Oh and those stupid green beetles, I used to refuse to go in the backyard when there was figs on our fig tree because they would sit up there and then dive bomb my face if I walked near….gah I just gave myself full body shivers!

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Grasshoppers are awful little things. Crickets will jump away, grasshoppers will jump at you. Fucking bastards.

Lisa November 1, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I bet this is funny but the grey on black is impossible to read…

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I know every once in a while people will tell me my blog is solid black, but I swear it’s supposed to be black text is backed on white. Try re-loading?

nadine November 2, 2011 at 1:04 am

I’m afraid of normal shit like bugs and spiders and death…

I’m so afraid of spiders I have these lucid dreams of them falling on me from the ceiling and I jolt out of bed, wake up the boyfriend and tell him we need to take all the sheets and blankets off and find the spiders that fell on me… because I can’t tell the difference between reality and probability.

I’m afraid of driving over bridges… I white-knuckle it the whole way over the Pulaski skyway the entire time…

I’m afraid of hair… from drains or hairbrushes or just lying around…

Ghosts, alien abductions, hands grabbing me from under the bed in the dark… I used to be afraid of ghosts and aliens watching me masturbate with x-ray vision. So yeah, I guess I have the same kind of normal fears as everyone else.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I’m strangely not that afraid of spiders.

Well, that one time I found a daddy long legs in my shower scrubbie as I was rinsing the soap out of it. Yeah. I was afraid then.

nadine November 2, 2011 at 1:05 am

oh and let’s not forget ventroliquist dummies and dolls coming to life. those shits will murder the hell out of you.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:38 pm

OH FUCK.

You had to say it.

Dear Sweet Mama November 2, 2011 at 8:56 am

Nutcracker dolls. Don’t take me to the Nutcracker for Christmas either. And those singing choir dolls my sister has all over her house at Christmas that have big black sucking holes for mouths. And dolls with teeth. Many mouth related things. False teeth – especially if someone chases me with them, thank you cousin Michael.

Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Those choir dolls are a pedo’s dream, I tell you.

Jaime November 2, 2011 at 11:17 am

that video is fucking hilarious…..

I’m scared of bugs… like any kind of bug… if it has 6 legs, I’m scared of it. A fly-type looking bug landed on my leg once when we were driving in the car and I almost threw myself out of the vehicle WHILE IT WAS MOVING just to get away from the bug. I might have screamed non-stop til my bf batted at the bug and made it fly away.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I had a similar experience with a moth WHILE I WAS DRIVING THE CAR. My friend Lindsay just laughed.

Jaclyn November 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I’ve only been to one haunted house, when I was 12 years old. Our high scho0l would always do one at the YMCA and my friend convinced me to go even though I’m a notorious pussy about anything even remotely scary. There was someone dressed up as an old lady. Not a scary old lady. Just an old lady with a walker who followed me through the haunted house. The first few times I politely asked that this person stop following me. When I continued to be silently stalked by the Walkering Dead, I screamed out “STOP FOLLOWING ME OR I WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS”. That is the kind of classy shit you want to hear out of a 12 year old’s mouth.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:40 pm

My sister IS THE BEST to take into haunted houses. She can’t distinguish the real from the fake in there, and her flight or fight response is ALWAYS fight. She’s been banned from several for kicking the shit out of an actor who got too close.

sowakeup November 2, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Dolls. Especially animatronic dolls. Those fucking moving Santa and Mrs. Claus things around Christmas are enough to prevent me from entering a building. Or neighborhood.

One hand wet, one hand dry. Have you ever experienced this? It’s horrid. It makes my other hand feel like it is made of burning desert. Even worse? One wet foot.
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Noa November 3, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Wet socks are a horrorfest for me.

Is Chuck E. Cheese your Vietnam? (Thanks, Abby, for this delightful phrase)

kim November 3, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Leeches. I fucking hate leeches. We use them to establish blood flow through muscle grafts. Can’t do it. I can return a child’s detached arm in a cooler to his mother or clean oozing gray matter out of an ear with a q-tip, snakes, spiders, overflowing toilets – piece of cake. But NO LEECHES.
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Noa November 7, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I can delightfully say that I’ve never encountered a leech outside of medieval literature, and I sure as hell hope I never ever have to.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress November 5, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I am afraid of soul patches. Like, a real genuine fear of that little patch of stubbly hair. I’m thinking of getting help for this. And by help, I mean a cordless razor. Lest I see another motherfucker with one of those things.
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kim November 6, 2011 at 7:06 am

Oh my God, they’re AWFUL. Sad, little attempts at manhood. I especially hate when the dumb-ass sporting the soul patch refers to it as a “flavor-saver.” Might as well be carrying a giant sign that says, “I’m a loser and I never get anywhere near a vagina.”

Noa November 7, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I think that this is a totally legitimate fear. I fear men with insubstantial mustaches. It seems like a waste of time, really–just shave that shit right off.

sowakeup November 8, 2011 at 2:52 am

I call that a crustache. Crustaches make me irrationally angry.
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Katie June 20, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Frogs…green,slimy,croaking little shits. -shudders- O_o

Melodie October 6, 2013 at 6:19 pm

Hospitals. I am physically incapable of walking through a hospital hallway without my headphones in and music up earblaringly loud because I will have an anxiety attack. No. Just no.

Also museums. For the same reason as hospitals. What is that reason? I have no fucking clue but there ya have it.

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