And Then He Maced Me With Febreeze

10/19/2011 · 126 comments

in Adrian, Love, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina

Each September, a pervasive and deadly sense of dread settles over the Gavin household. Adrian and I become very short with one another and fight constantly, the cats begin to become frightened easily, and there’s a permeation of stress in each move we make.

It’s a horrible time, and all because: Adrian’s birthday will soon arrive.

You see, Adrian’s birthday, on October 15th, is surrounded by 14 of the worst days of the entire year. Adrian’s Bad Luck Birthdays have become legendary–don’t be around us in October, because you will probably catch the pancreatic hepalo-ebolarrosis and die violently within a half hour. The Universe saves all of our earned bad karma until October, just so we know who’s fucking boss. Don’t get too happy about life, Adrian, because you’re getting old and your life sucks in October.

4 Years Ago: Adrian’s house was robbed on his birthday. They stole everything, including a toy model car, but not the plastic case it was kept in. Adrian’s Great Dane sits idly by, proving herself incredibly fierce.

2 Years Ago: Adrian’s car is stolen, along with his wallet and favorite hat. They steal it FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES after Adrian walks in the front door, and the thieves take the toll roads out. The cops filing the report tell us, “yeah, this is a terrible neighborhood, you should move immediately,” and then state that the car is more than likely on its way to Africa to be chopped. Fucking Africa.

This Year, it’s been a little different. This year, the Universe included me in Adrian’s Bad Luck Birthdays.

  • I failed (fucking bombed) a test–one that I studied a week for, and worked very hard for. I might have had more success with this test by kidnapping a stripper on my way to class, giving her a roofie after beating her mercilessly with my own shoes and then having her take the test for me.
  • Adrian and I had a weird and entirely illogical argument about the Holocaust and Dr. Mengele on his birthday, after he had to work extended hours for most of the day.
  • Adrian farted the most disgusting fart ever before bed, and when he tried to cover it with Febreeze, he maced me with the Febreeze instead. The room then smelled like corpse cornhole, Autumn, and burning for 20 minutes while I washed a floral store out of my goddamn eyeballs.
  • Several people last week felt it necessary to inform me that I am rather unfunny. I FUCKING KNOW, OKAY?
  • I clicked this link and it’s been in my nightmares ever since.
  • Adrian’s business caught fire today. It wasn’t a major fire (the fucking toilet cracked and put it out), but the sprinklers ran for HOURS and there were several inches of standing water once he arrived. We spent the morning sweeping water out into the streets and fighting the bums away from the office supplies drying out in the sun.

And the 14 days aren’t up yet. Only a few days before his birthday were riddled with bad luck, so we still have far to go until we’re out of the woods.

True to the Bad Luck Birthday’s tradition of amping up the dickery, the Rapture is once again scheduled for this Friday, well within the 14-day Hell Cycle.

For fuck’s sake, Universe. We get it.

On Friday, Adrian and I are planning on being shithoused and naked, waiting on the Hell Cycle to end like a virgin teenager waits out his Homecoming Date’s period.

What’s been your bad luck recently? How are you dealing with it?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “@HelenKeller – Hey, Helen! What’s crack-i-lackin’? @JenReinmuth – Aaaarrrrggggllllhhhh. . .”


feryxlim October 19, 2011 at 2:24 am

Move everything made of paper away before being shithoused and naked. You know the dangerballs drill.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Oh God. Oh God the possibilities are horrifying. THANK YOU.

Front Desk Ninja October 19, 2011 at 2:34 am


I really feel you should warn a bitch what shes clicking…. I almost want to use my travel size Febreeze and see if that helps the burning of seeing XTina all…. I can’t even think of a proper word.

My bad luck was winning Employee of the Month for a second time this year.

I’m serious.
Last time I won Employee of the Month, I got the notice the weekend *after* I nearly got fired for getting all sorts of stupid drunk and not controlling the people I let stay with me on a night I had off.
This time, I got an effing complaint lodged against me, so I’m having a sit down with the owner of the hotel later this week. But oh, congratulations to me- I get a $25 Tim Horton’s card for winning EOtM.

They’re fucking curses. I’m considering asking I not be given the nomination anymore. I’ll buy my own coffees, thanks, if it means no more bad shit happens that jepoardizes my employment.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm


I mean, I’m so sorry. I–weirdly–hope you never get EOTM again. Ever.

Front Desk Ninja October 19, 2011 at 11:16 pm


I have connections as is at the Tim’s down the street. I get 9/10 teas for free.
I’d rather have a Bulk Barn, or Chapters gift card.
/richpeople problems.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:45 pm

You have more creatively named stores than we do here.

i am pisspot October 19, 2011 at 2:48 am

What the fuck happened to Christina Aguilera? Really? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HER?
i am pisspot recently posted..The unexpected gift

Front Desk Ninja October 19, 2011 at 4:23 am

Reason 1209830 not to have children.
Just sayin’.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Never. Having. Children.

HeatherRose October 19, 2011 at 7:01 am

I’m pretty sure that’s Cyndi Lauper circa her Girls Just Wanna Have Crack days. Also, totally makes me feel better about my thighs…
HeatherRose recently posted..I probably give the best advice ever

wicked opinion October 19, 2011 at 8:51 am

She was channeling her inner Nancy Wilson.

But can I just say, no one does pantsless like Beyonce. I mean, on her it looks NORMAL, which begs the question, how many times does the woman drop trou that waltzing around in undies is totally just a Wednesday afternoon? Why do these dumb white bitches (you too, Brit-Brit) think they can rock The Beyonce? Those bitches ’bout to get CUT.

RE: your funniness. Bitch, please. Or the Southern alternate, Girl, Bye! It doesn’t even bear any further attention.

I’m sorry October has sucked hobo balls. Hope you’re nekkid when you get raptured.
wicked opinion recently posted..Jesus Freaks

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm


Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

The fact that I can comfortably vacation on her ass is a self-esteem booster.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:45 pm

@Pisspot: (Every time I type your name I giggle) Also, I love the horror. Love it.

i am pisspot October 20, 2011 at 3:07 am

Why, thank you! Haha! The sheer horror just goes to show that you can have all the money in the world, yet still end up looking like a big ole’ pirate whore.
i am pisspot recently posted..The unexpected gift

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Or, Mariah Carey.

Alicia October 19, 2011 at 2:53 am

Tell Adrian he isn’t alone when it comes to shitty Birthdays. I have a tradition of having a shitty Birthday. The stories are too long to tell so I’ll sum them up in a few words. 2002 my ex-friend Allie becomes possessed at 2:00 A.M….you think I’m kidding and I’m not. She was staring at me like she wanted to kill me and I kept asking her what was wrong and she never said anything. Then she kicked a T.V. Tray at my face. She woke up the next day like a fucking fairy. Before all of that, all of my friends fought and hated each other, but that happens every Birthday I have. 2003 Allie is back with vengeance. She does fine during the night, but when she wakes up she puts on my robe walks out to my trampoline (this is before my trampoline flew into my neighbors window) she gets on the trampoline and starts jumping…in the pouring rain; like she’s a native American doing a chant or something. She throws my robe in the mud ,runs to my bathroom (crying her eyes out), locks herself in it while talking to her mom, and then she comes out with a smile. Bitch is Satan! I have plenty of more Birthday melt downs, but I’ll save them for later.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:47 pm

You have the worst luck of anyone I know, which might be why you’re the funniest person I know.

Alicia October 19, 2011 at 10:30 pm

We just have this amazing ability to have horrible lives. It’s really fantastic. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll be pregnant.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Well…are you?

Laura October 19, 2011 at 3:31 am

If the Rapture doesn’t come this Friday, I’m going to assume it’s because you and Adrian messed it up somehow.
Laura recently posted..Confessions of a Water-Spiller

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:47 pm

God knows we’ll figure out how.

Caroline October 19, 2011 at 4:01 am

Your October sounds like my Septembers. I would suggest vodka but with that luck it would have flesh eating bacteria in it, and you would kill your liver in 2 ways.

As for my bad luck lately? I’m the caretaker for my father and he just had to have an emergency amputation. He’s ok but has to go in for another surgery because it isn’t healing properly. The owner of my house has decided to sell so we’re evicted and it’s a bitch to find him a handicap accessible house. Not to mention all of the deposits and costs of moving. Also it’s hell trying to get a lawyer to shuffle his happy ass to the hospital so we can sign power of attorney papers so I can handle his affairs.

So on a happier note thanks for your blog and the smiles and stress relief it gives me during these bad luck months.
Caroline recently posted..Quick side thought

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:52 pm

And I am humbled in dickery. Holy shit, friend, you win at, “Shit’s all fucked up.” I will work my ass off to keep you laughing.

Sadie Sez October 19, 2011 at 5:35 am

Dude, this sux on a Universal level. You are one tough bitch. That Febreeze sh*t is lethal. Thanks for the heads-up about the rapture this Friday. Can’t wait.

Oh, and I divorced all of my bad luck.

Sadie Sez recently posted..Ghost in My Machine

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:53 pm

HAH! Fucking awesome. But, seriously, watch out for Febreeze.

Leslie October 19, 2011 at 5:44 am

Thank you for your humor. Thank you for your insight. Thank you for posting the Christina Aguilera link because I’ll tell you what, I just got a big, undeserved ego boost. I am one hot motherfucker. Actually I’m not, but I’m going into the day with poise and confidence, thanks to you.

Hoping that you get through then next few days with nothing bad to show for it other than a wicked hangover, because I assume that’s what happens after being shithoused and nekked while waiting for Jesus. If he’s not coming, I assume he’ll text you.
Leslie recently posted..Maniacally rubbing my kitchen counters

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Jesus has been dodging me lately. It’s really making me quite nervous.

Stephanie October 19, 2011 at 6:07 am

So to those people who are informing you that you are not funny….screw those douchey fucktards. Tell them to go suck your dangerballs, because you are funny, damnit. The stuff you write is exactly what girls like us have going on in our heads and it is down right AWESOME reading it on the screen.

Rise of the dangerballs…down with the douches.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:58 pm


Shit’s about to change around here, yo. Thanks to you.

Abby October 19, 2011 at 6:36 am

If it makes you feel any better–and it probably won’t–your month sounds like a typical month in my world. True, I haven’t had any flaming infernos or random hijackings, but my “luck” is usually limited to finding a quarter on the street only to have a bitchy senior citizen club me with their cane in an attempt to get it first.

OK. I exaggerate, but at least you have good blog fodder–FUNNY blog fodder, to the twatwaffle that said that you don’t. Hopefully this year’s birthday will be better, but at the very least, leave flammable things (Febreeze) hidden from sight and avoid having candles on cake.
Abby recently posted..Velcro Rollers, Eyelash Ass

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm

It does make me feel better. I have a bad tendency to think, “OH MAN MY LIFE SUCKS,” and really, it’s just that sometimes my life is lightly inconvenienced in the big scheme of things.

Thanks for reminding me.

Amanda October 19, 2011 at 7:05 am

I think you’re hilarious and according to my therapist, my opinion is the only one that matters. I do hope things go better for you and echo everything Stephanie said.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm


Paula @ thewilyweez October 19, 2011 at 7:31 am

First of all, whoever told you that you are not funny needs to be beaten with a burlap sack full of used dildos and crack pipes. Secondly, it sounds like you guys should lay low for the next few weeks until all this bad birthday juju passes…
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..Shit I heard Over The Weekend: Round: I’m A Creepy Old Man

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I’m not really thrilled about the fact that I have a lot of shit to do for the next 5 days. I might die.

shurikenboobs October 19, 2011 at 7:35 am

I’ve been reading for like a day and I already know you’re funny. People who are trying to shit on your parade are fucking pubic gremlins. Tell me who they are, I’ll queef on them. Give me some notice though because I have to learn how to queef on command first.

My bad luck in the last few months has included the death of a parent, the losing of my job, the collateral losing of my housing that was heretofore supplied by my job, the discovery that I need literally all of my teeth drilled, the forcible ripping out of a toenail for the second time in a year, getting robbed (minor–street theft), losing expensive electronics, having a weird reaction to a medication, falling into a ditch in public and breaking my phone, and accidentally urinating somewhere it turned out not to be okay to urinate in.


Anyway. I dealt with it by leaving the country and going somewhere awesome on vacation and I currently don’t give a fuck about anything. Vacation is like Percocet. Vacation is awesome.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Each morning, before I get in the shower, while I’m still bleary eyed and my hair looks like a roughed-up porcupine, I read my email comments.

Yours was read first because of your name. Shurikenboobs. There are many disturbing reasons why that took place, but you should know, that’s the most awesome name ever.

And thank you for reminding me that my life is only minorly inconvenient sometimes.

Christine October 19, 2011 at 7:40 am

I recently started work in the Alzheimer’s unit at a long term care facility. I love it, and I new going in that it wasn’t going to be easy. But for fuck’s sake–I haven’t even been there a month, and we’ve had a seizure, multiple falls, more hitting/biting/kicking/scratching/spitting than you can shake a stick at. We even had a resident pass away before my first week of training was up! I’m loving all of the new muscles from wheelchair transfers and such, but I look at the scratches and bruises and wish I could explain them away as war wounds, not 70+ ladies with dementia beating the shit out of me. :)

Christine October 19, 2011 at 7:40 am

*knew going in

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I’m fighting reactions of, “OH GOD HOW AWESOME,” with what I know to be appropriate. “Oh, that’s so sad.”

I’m confused.

Dani October 19, 2011 at 8:42 am

I’ve been wandering around lately with a little black rain cloud hanging over my head. Personally, I blame New York.

And now, I’m also blaming Christina Aguilera. In photo #1, it looks as if she’s dropping a deuce on stage. I’m pretty sure my karma is somehow beneath that, waiting to be crapped on.

My birthday is 5 days before Christmas. It always sucks. When I was a kid, I had a collection of about 15643304856309 snow globes, because that was the traditional “gift” brought to birthday parties of little girls who had the bad sense to be born too close to Christmas. Also? One year my mom made me a Rudolph cake. I was pissed.

When ever someone complains about having to share a birthday with a friend/sibling/cousin/etc/ I’m all “Yeah… try sharing a birthday with JESUS.”

Anyway, same shit, different day over here… still no job, still no money, still fat.

Oh, and I was told yesterday that my blog post was “not my best work.” Well, no shit. If you want my best work, fucking pay me.
Dani recently posted..In Which Geese Make Me Look Stupid…

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Grace’s birthday is very close to Christmas, too, and she was always jealous of me because my birthday being June 26th meant that I got presents every 6 months no matter what.

I love that, “Eh, not your best work,” comment. WOW! THANKS! I had no idea that I was being graded for this shit.

Misty October 19, 2011 at 8:43 am

Yes Noa, I have been meaning to mention how unfucking funny you have been lately. I mean, when I was reading that part about Adrian macing you with the Febreeze, I was like, “hmm, I am laughing very hard at this, but damnit, where are the tears that usually come with this much guffawing. Noa is obviously losing her touch. Not living up to my high expectations of her hilarity right now. For shame.”

What happened 3 years ago????

Those pictures will haunt me all day. I’m hoping she was pregnant and that is the reason for the body issues, but 1. There is no reason to wear ho outfits, even on tour, if you look like that, and 2. That doesn’t explain her face.

And my birthdays suck every year. When I was 17, my mom slapped me across the face on my birthday. I was being a sassy smart ass teenager, but still. That is the one and only time she did that, and it was on my birthday. They have pretty much gone downhill since then.

But today is my 9 year anniversary. I’m expending some sort of pending doom any moment.
Misty recently posted..Spork me?? Spork YOU!!

Misty October 19, 2011 at 8:46 am


Misty recently posted..Spork me?? Spork YOU!!

wicked opinion October 19, 2011 at 8:54 am

Expending pending doom is what Christina is doing in that picture.
wicked opinion recently posted..Jesus Freaks

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:08 pm

HAH. Awesome. So very awesome.

Jen October 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Unless she just gave birth to Cee-Lo there is no excuse for that bloated Elvis look. Excuse me, I need to bleach my retinas now. . .
Jen recently posted..Check, please.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Febreeze’ll do the trick.

Misty October 20, 2011 at 7:51 am

Leave fucking Elvis out of it, yo! He has nothing to do with that skank whore bitchzilla. Nothing.
Misty recently posted..Spork me?? Spork YOU!!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:07 pm

We don’t talk about what happened 3 years ago. For the sake of my getting kicked out of several families. Happy Anniversary, hope you live to tell the tale!

Kelly October 19, 2011 at 8:57 am

I think the fact that that link had the top five is scarier than the actual pictures… because it means there’s MORE out there somewhere. I think I’ll tape one of those on my mirror and use it as a benchmark – “Do I look better than this trainwreck?” Yes, feel free to leave the house. No? Consume something lethal in mass quantities.

As for bad luck, nothing really comes to mind except that dear daughter asked me what a sister wife was and how babies were made all in the same day. I’m thinking the only thing that could have topped that afternoon was if she would have also started her period.
Kelly recently posted..My kid hates pants. And other assorted gems.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:14 pm

She looks like the bastard child of snuffalupagus and beyonce shitting on stage.

And now I know what I’ll be for Halloween!

Wow. The Sister Wife talk is not one I ever thought I’d have to have with future children. I’m afraid.

Kelly October 20, 2011 at 8:03 am

Fuckin’ TLC, edjookatin the chillins! I’ll tell her how babies are made and then have het watch 19 Kids and Counting, so then we can try to figure out why Michelle Duggar’s vag hasn’t fallen out yet. (My apologies if that visual caused you to ask Adrian to Febreze your retinas.)
Kelly recently posted..The movie Innerspace makes me paranoid.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I’m convinced she uses a feed bucket around the period time. If she still has one.

ColinP October 19, 2011 at 9:38 am

Wow, that is truly amazing in the amount of suck (and not good suck either). Personally I loath October with a hatred that knows no bounds but I do so because I have horrendous Fall allergies. Several years ago I went to a scheduled visit to see my allergist during a particularly bad October. It was so bad that when the intern came in to check me out, upon seeing me she uttered the phrase “JESUS!?@#!?!” “Oh, I am sorry we aren’t supposed to do that…”

As for birthdays for years I had the worst time trying to get people together for my own birthday. What I eventually settled upon was setting up the anti-birthday, wherein everyone I knew was invited for grilled food and a good time. However they were warned that a gift of any kind would be basted in bar-b-que sauce and sacrificed to dark powers.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:16 pm

HOLY GOD Allergies! Allergies suck so much. I have very minor ones that are easily managed with Zyrtec, but Adrian prepares for death each spring. My heart goes out to you. And your nose.

Jaime October 19, 2011 at 10:13 am

if it makes you feel any better I totally fucking bombed my first midterm that I studied like crazy for…. and now tonight I have my 2nd midterm….. ack.

If the world ends, could it please do it soon because that would save me a lot of study time.. kthanks.
Jaime recently posted..damn……… I’m fucked.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Good luck on your test! I feel for you, my friend.

J October 19, 2011 at 10:42 am

Bad day? Bad month?? The entire year of 2011 has been the howler monkey living in God’s rectum flinging karmic poo at my head.

Shall we review? Husband of five years meet someone who makes him happier so he wants a divorce. He’s remarrying in just a few months. Dad, aunt, uncle, multiple cousins hospitalized for serious injury or life threatening disease (including cancer, and that evil cunt has been around far too many times already – not always successful, but I hate her with a Hatfield-McCoy level of intensity). Did I mention I live in Japan? Earthquake, tsunami, radiation, death, chaos, destruction…fuck the “rapture” this Friday. It came and every last goddamn one of us was left behind. (Eat that, evangelicals!) Any day I could lose my job. I walk in each morning fully expecting to hear, “thanks for training your replacement so well; now get out.” I mean, I get verbally abused enough and threatened with firing often enough (in front of very large audiences, of course) I almost wish it would happen. Just get it over with. Seriously, most of my friends stopped saying “well, it can’t get any worse” because it always does. Every. Single. Time.

Stop the ride, I wanna get off. I don’t know for certain who is actually running the show but whoever it is can fucking eat me.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Holy shit.

Each time I think I hear the worst story, I’m wrong. I’ll quit bitching, because my life is not that bad.

There’s nothing I can say that can make your life better right now. The only thing I can say is that I will do all I can to make you laugh in hopes that it relieves some of your suck.

Myth October 20, 2011 at 2:13 am

I want to hug you so fucking hard. You and basically everyone else that’s posted, but especially you. Anything to make it better. You make me wish I was as funny as Noa so I could at least help a little.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Man, every time I think, “Wow, this really sucks,” I get a big ol’ slap in the face like this and realize I need to just stop bitching.

tavie October 19, 2011 at 10:52 am

My mother’s birthday is also on the 15th. The gift she received, which my daughter and I also seemed to receive just by being close…. Stomach virus with fever. Shitting and puking all day yesterday. My anus burns. I’ve thought about spritzing it with some Bactine.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:19 pm


Just…just don’t use Febreeze on it.

Jillian October 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Your readers are viciously protective of you, Noa. I love it. Can we set up some kind of gauntlet where we place one of our mortal enemies in front of a line of Oh Noa readers and then watch said mortal enemy get emotionally, physically, and possibly sexually scarred for all eternity? Or until Friday?

You already know my advice for the Rapture. It’s sad that the virgins always get stuck with the girls on their period. Or the out of town almost-boyfriend who was going to end things anyway so the period is just an early excuse. Oh wait, that’s just my ex-almost-boyfriend? Shoot…

As for Adrien’s birthday, I suggest finding friends with birthdays just days before and after. Really obnoxious friends who have daily countdowns to their birthdays starting about a month and a half before the blessed date that Jesus chose to grace the earth with said person’s existence. People who insist that there not be presents at their birthday party and that you should instead donate to the charity of your choice, because those karma points add up, but if you REALLY insist, you can bring a small gift (under $50 or personalized with monograms and/or high school photos) and set it on the table that is already set up next to the door so that if you did NOT bring a gift you look like a tool. And people who get really sulky and offended for absolutely no reason, like because you say that you hated a butt-ugly scarf that was given to you begrudgingly by a roommate and she thinks it’s cute so therefore you have deeply wounded the very fiber of her being. Then when they get sulky and offended about random things, you can remind them that their birthday is coming up, and they can be both hopeful that their lives will perk up because their personal happiness is in no way caused by their own actions, or they’ll just be more pissed because the whole world hates them on their birthday.

Now you’ve got someone yelling about how great their birthday is, and someone yelling about why the universe is a fucking joke and they might as well go jump off a bridge, and everyone ignores your birthday.

At least that’s what happens to me.
Jillian recently posted..Of Ice Queens and Unibrows

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I have amazing readers. I am very, very lucky in that sense. Very.

It’s funny you should mention friend’s birthdays because Adrian’s group of friends almost exclusively has October birthdays, one on the exact same day and one two days before, the rest smattered around. It’s only Adrian’s bad luck.

It can’t last forever, right?

Tans October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

“Several people last week felt it necessary to inform me that I am rather unfunny. I FUCKING KNOW, OKAY? ”

seriously? who the fuck are these people because fuck the stripper, you need to take that kidnapping plan and apply it to these douche canoes.

(on second thought, don’t fuck the stripper. you don’t want to add crabs to the ever growing list of things to include with bad luck birthdays)

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Too late. She had a great rack.

MidwestAsh October 19, 2011 at 11:33 am

Well reading this made me feel a lot better thanks. I’ve had pretty shit luck the last few years on my birthday but this one really threw me for a loop. I attended a suprise 30th birthday celebration for a friend this past Saturday and had a blasty blast. Stayed sober for once and thought I was just great. Well, Monday comes along and decides to rip me apart from the inside. Severe food poisioning attack and hospitalization due to extreme loss of bodily fluids and hyperventilation causing low system oxygen. Totally fucking awesome. No work yesterday and was only able to stay awake for 3 out of 24 hrs. Today is my birthday and while I made it in to work looking fierce, I still feel like crap and am on the small sips of water and a few saltines diet. I totally lose on all the free birthday crap cause I can’t eat or drink anything, but it could so be worse I hear!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

You can’t hear it, but I’m clapping for the fact that you are even alive to tell this story. Badass, yo. Badass.

Dani October 20, 2011 at 9:13 am

But think about all the weight you lost… #silverlining Everytime I’m hugging a toilet spewing bile and guts, I think to myself, “Awesome… I’ll lose weight.”

Fucked up?

Dani recently posted..Where brain cells go to die….

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:54 pm

That’s what gets me through the flu every year.

Jen October 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

My bad luck was calling my boss to complain about the “creepy looking stalker dude that I TOTALLY think is selling drugs!” in our parking lot only to find out that it was her son waiting to drive her home. Aaaannnnd. . .FAIL.
Jen recently posted..Check, please.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Thank you so much for this story–I needed that kind of laugh.

Deborah October 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Adrien is soooo not alone with disaster birthdays. Bet he can’t top this. My birthday disasters include:
1989 Loma Prieta Earthquate – 63 persons died; 3,757 injured
1991 Oakland Hills Fire – 25 persons died; 2,550 homes destroyed

Of course this should not overpower the issue of Febreeze macing. I believe, in fact, that I have given my dog chronic bronchitis from the power of the fart cover-up. My husband calls them “barking spiders.” No end to the cute names they can come up with, huh?

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Wow. Yeah. You win. Holy shit.

Stay clear of Dallas, please?

Norway October 19, 2011 at 11:35 pm

If we’re going for huge disasters… My birthday, 79 AD. Mt. Vesuvius erupts, killing thousands and literally burying towns where they stood.
Not that I was there. I’m not OLD, people!
I’m fairly sure other stuff has happened on said date, but mostly not to me. Thank goodness.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:54 pm

But now, claim to fame, eh?

elizabeth- flourishinprogress October 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Ah lawdy…my bad luck is that I’m now swollen to twice my size from the six diff meds I’m on for this mysterious illness I must have caused by being a sinning whore. I’m not even sure I made any sense there. I have no memory or sense of time. But then again…what’s new.

Here’s hoping this birthday is better. And less rob-y.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Hospital gowns are a good look on me

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:47 pm

I wrote this last night, and then remembered your hospital stay, and felt like an asshole. I hope you get less swell-y soon.

Susan, Super Earthling October 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm

OMG, your Febreeze tale alone is simply priceless! Unfunny indeed! Ha!
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Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Why thank you very much. I’m glad my pain causes you joy.

Andi October 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Right now, my bad luck includes:

* The “check engine” light in my car has been on since Sunday but I can’t take it in until next week.
* My mother is guilting me to do her a favor. That’s after a knock-down, drag out fight that we just had. I’m tempted to tell her to drop dead, but that would just complicate things even further.
* I found out I need to avoid chocolate and alcohol for physical reasons.
* The Hubs is taking Youngest camping this weekend, which would actually be ok but currently means I’m on my own for dropping off and picking up the other two kids from their myriad activities.
* My birthday is in less than a month. I can’t have chocolate or alcohol, and I don’t have the money to go anywhere. I’m actually hoping for the Rapture at this point.

You’re not unfunny. If you were unfunny, I wouldn’t be reading you because my life is already unfunny enough.
Andi recently posted..New Look 6735 — I’m a Vippy Bunny!

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:48 pm


Oh Andi.

No booze?

I’m praying for your rapture as well.

Britt October 19, 2011 at 2:51 pm

This is very unsettling.
Birthdays should – ok I need to stop and acknowledge that I first typed “bitchdays”. Fuck that first thought and let’s go with this one instead. You should just start celebrating his “Bitchday” and forgo the ‘birth’ all together. No one wants to think about his mom’s placenta anyway. Probably.
I usually find incorporating jello wrestling and any sort of shot/junglejuice/hooch will also ensure in a fool-proof celebration. But always bring a fire extinguisher. Just to be safe.
Britt recently posted..Yahoo Answers: Keeping People Stupid Since 2005 (Alternate Title: Don’t Kiss Strippers.)

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

I am one to need a fire extinguisher no matter what or where I go. I am a walking fire hazard.

Johi October 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

If you we not funny, I would not be addicted to your blog and forgot that I put Thing 1 in timeout like 15 minutes ago. Whoops. “You can come out of time out now, sweet child.”

Shit. Parenting fail #34 today.
Johi recently posted..Fun Times Texting with Brock

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:50 pm

He’s learning his lesson well thanks to me. I’m honored.

Jen October 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

See, Noa, you don’t HAVE to have kids! You can fuck up other people’s children vicariously!
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:56 pm

All my dreams are now being realized.

Allison October 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Noa, the Universe…fuck it. You’re hilarious. I roll around the couch laughing when I read this blog. At this point in my life, it’s much needed. For being a crazy, supa-funny bitch, I THANK YOU.

Noa October 19, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I thank YOU, Allison. Because you are fucking awesome.

nadine October 19, 2011 at 11:15 pm

October is a shit month and I hate it.
nadine recently posted..STANLEY LAUGH

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:56 pm


Myth October 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

I’m honestly afraid to identify any of my recent life events as “bad luck,” because none of it is even remotely as completely-fucking-awful as in earlier comments. Honestly, I think my life’s been pretty awesome lately, in the big scheme of things.

My biggest woe right now is medicine issues. I already have chronic fatigue syndrome (I hate that name; the immediate reaction from others is “Chronic fatigue? Bitch, please.”) which means that walking to the kitchen for a glass of Sprite feels like running a four-minute mile and then bench-pressing the Sears Tower for another ten minutes. But now on top of that, they’ve increased my antianxiolytic medication and it’s turned me into a fucking zombie; I sleep fourteen hours per night and wake up feeling like I haven’t slept since 2008. Since I deal with this a lot anyway, and it’s nowhere near as serious as getting hospitalized for food poisoning, it still pisses me off. Having a chronic illness (I have more than one) always feels so unfair, but I can’t allow myself a pity party because it makes me feel like a whiny insensitive bitch. Half the time I only complain because I need someone to validate my feelings of “this fucking sucks.”

To keep this comment from being overly negative, there’s several things that have happened recently that made me very grateful. My best friend had to have surgery, and there were no complications at all; she’s making a quick and graceful recovery, and enjoying her hydrocodone. My mother very nearly got fired last Friday; she’s a nurse at a nursing home, and they busted her ass for intentionally giving a patient someone else’s meds. (She owned up to the fact it was a dumbass move, but she did it because the patient was in horrendous pain and nothing they’d done had helped him.) Obviously none of that is the part I’m grateful for. Basically, they called her in on Monday and said, “All right, that was really stupid, but we’re going to keep you. You’ve worked for us for eight years and you’ve been in trouble very few times over your entire employment. Plus, you get shit done and you care about your patients. So we’re going to forgive you for this one.” Definitely a big relief, because if my mom had gotten fired… we’d have been screwed. And they could have even revoked her nursing license for that, which would have been really awful.

All in all… life as normal. Usually sucks, glad when it doesn’t.

Myth October 20, 2011 at 2:11 am

Fucking typos. That should have read “Since I (blah blah blah) I don’t care all that much but it still pisses me off.”

And it sort of scares me how obscenely long my comments are. I was aware I like to talk, but Jesus Christ on a crouton.

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

I don’t have a chronic illness, but I imagine it’s a gigantic version of having an invisible bruise. Invisible bruises always hurt the absolute worst, but you can’t convince anyone that you’re actually hurt. However, if you can’t feel the bruise, it’s 4 feet across and everyone fusses over it.

What I mean by that is: that has to fucking suck. I’m sorry. You’ve got your head in the right place, yo. Glad you can vent here.

Heather Rose October 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

Old people tend to die right around my birthday. My grandfather in 1997, my great-grandfather last year, my other grandfather this year … Hide your old folks- I’m more deadly to the geriatrics than a bingo-induced heart attack.
Heather Rose recently posted..Too amateurish?

Jen October 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Ooh! Can you do a drive-by of my ex’s house when the big day rolls around? It would save me the trouble of buying bullets.
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Noa October 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

I might be calling you sometime for geriatric removal services.

addtova October 20, 2011 at 11:28 am

So my sister has the most extreme luck of anyone I know. Nothing ordinary ever happens to her. She gets called by the people who make Hawaii 5-O to be an extra and gets paid 100’s of dollars to sit on a beach in a bikini, which her body naturally looks awesome in, then gets the flu, finds out she has 7 ulcers (yes 7) and her backpack is stolen with all her school books phone and one and only moped key.

I wouldn’t be surprised if next week she won the lottery and was immediately struck by lightning.
addtova recently posted..Of Snuggies and Blingtastic Squirrel Armies

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:00 pm

I don’t know whether to take her to Vegas or lock her away now.

Trenton October 20, 2011 at 11:38 am

Naked and shithoused, huh?

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Or, Tuesday.

wagthedad October 20, 2011 at 2:15 pm

My birthday sucks, too. Get over it. You know what I do? I throw a party. For myself. Because nobody ever throws me a fucking party for my birthday. So I have a big grillfest and invite over all the fucks who should be inviting me. And I have a blast.

Me, me, me. I love my birthday, but I would prefer celebrating it without anybody else around me that I know. My parents got divorced on my birthday (it was kind of an anniversary for dad’s-sleeping-on-the-couch-tonight intensity fights anyway).

I also killed my best friend on my birthday. Caught the motherfucker screwing my first love, my sixteen-year-old girlfriend (I was eighteen) on the front seat of my Pontiac Phoenix while I was in watching a movie with our friends (the both of them had claimed they were going to the bathroom. I got suspicious and followed them out).

OK, I was just kidding about that part. I didn’t really kill anybody. Or catch anybody screwing in my car. The shit about my parents is true.

Point is, Noa, you are Funny. With a capital “F”. And you know it. And anybody who tells you otherwise (somebody sent a special “you are a douche bag” mail to my contact box that links to a fucked up website about being a douche bag) is a dicksack who should be killed like I didn’t kill my friend that time he didn’t screw my girlfriend.

So let me know who it is, OK? I’ll take care of that shit for you.

And as far as the test goes: it’s only midterm. Fuck that, too.

I sound like I’m drunk, don’t I? I wish. Though I HAVE been off nicotine for 7 days now….shit, maybe the world is going to end tomorrow. I’d better go get some beer.

Anyway, take care and keep being funny and take some pics of you and Adrian especially being naked and shithoused and put them up on this site.
wagthedad recently posted..Zombie Survival

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I threw a surprise party for Adrian on Saturday. When he walked in, I handed him a glass of 3/4 vodka and 1/4 coke.

His birthday improved rapidly.

Marley C. October 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm

My husband’s birthday is October 25th and his B-Day is usually bad luck too!!! Maybe October is cursed. Last year, in the middle of his birthday dinner, we had to leave the restaurant so I could go to the Emergency Room because my estranged step-father had a seizure, fractured his skull and neck. Several years before that, he was literally about to put a piece of birthday cake (and the man lives for b-day cake) in his mouth when he got a call his sister had a seizure and was in the hospital unconscious an hour away. She ended up passing away a few months later but the cake filled, untouched fork and plate (as he left them at the table and immediately headed out) haunts me to THIS DAY!!!!

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Wow. Febreeze is suddenly minuscule in comparison. I appreciate the perspective.

Monica October 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm

My January sucked. My husband’s grandmother died, so he went to Colorado, and my Dad died the next day, so he wasn’t here, and I texted him at 3 am to let him know my dad was dead because I’m an asshole. My dirtbag brother came in for the funeral and stole all of Dad’s jewelry and a bunch of family photos, and I had to pay for his ticket home because he was broke.

See, that’s not funny (but true). If there’s anything I know, it’s how to be NOT funny. Some people are assholes.
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Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I think next January needs to become “Punchy January,” where you just punch all the assholes.

Jen October 20, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Don’t sweat the midterm. Profs are pretty chill about letting you do make-up work. And if not maybe you could pay that prostitute to perform other services in trade.
Jen recently posted..I Wanna Be a Billionaire SO Frickin’ Bad

Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I want you to teach me. I feel like my life would vastly improve in that way.

funny or tragic October 21, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I’ve had a few really shitty birthdays too, but I think we tend to remember those because birthdays are supposed to be GOOD days, yeah? So a bad one is like a giant fuck you from the universe…
And I feel your pain with the farts. I’ve been writing something up about that myself, because it seems the boys in my house save it all for night time, when your eyes are closed and the defenses are down. It’s one cause for my insomnia that I don’t tell the doctor about…
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Noa October 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Farts ruin more than they’re given credit for. Fucking Asses.

bschooled October 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm

1) “Several people last week felt it necessary to inform me that I am rather unfunny.” Um, let me guess. Members of the “Bring Back Everybody Loves Raymond!” Facebook group? Or guys who feel threatened that their only jokes start with “So I was banging this chick…” The first time someone told me I wasn’t funny I cried. Then I laughed. Just like I’m laughing now, because these people are idiots.

2) PLEASE tell me there’s a way to reverse-see that link you posted of Christina A.. Pic #4 raped my optical nerves.
bschooled recently posted..Friends For Life (Which in this case is approximately a month. Two, tops.)

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I’m embarrassed at how much I love you.

Margaret Goerig October 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

A little late to this show but here it goes anyhow: a few days ago at work, I sliced the tip of my pinky finger off. It was disgusting and horrible and the actual tip of the finger was left on the knife. Then today, not four hours ago, I sliced the very same finger in the very same spot. Nauseating. I know the month is not over yet but (knock on wood) I’m still ahead of myself three years ago in October, when I had JUST recovered from typhoid fever and: got attacked by some dude; fell knee-first onto some broken tile; ran smack into a huge AC unit and ended up on my back in the pouring rain; and got run over by a golf cart. Maybe I need to wear my glasses more often. Or something.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:51 pm




Margaret Goerig October 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

And goddamn “Into the sunset” is back. WTF, C Luv? I turned that crap off.

Noa October 26, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Goddamn CLuv. It hates you so.

Margaret Goerig October 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Yeah. I picked up on that.

Noa October 27, 2011 at 11:04 pm


Bud October 29, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Wait, you weren’t joking?

Noa November 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm

It’s like that, but he farted and then in a horrifying turn of events, maced me instead.

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