Trick-Or-Treat Sounds Like A Halloween Prostitute Special Deal

09/07/2011 · 127 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

You could decide to be a stripper.

You could decide to throw down your quilting rack to run away from your traditional Amish home and abandon all your cares for the promises that Amway offers.

You could decide to populate a remote, tropical island full of derelict men and then kill them all and then mount their heads above your fireplace while wearing a festive sombrero.

There are a lot of bad decisions one can make about life.

A lot of those bad decisions tend to take place each year around Halloween. It’s fucking magical to watch.

On Halloween, it’s somehow totally okay to suddenly turn into the whoriest whore who ever whored and toss your God-forsaken dignity into the gaping asshole of Beelzebub because you are dressed as Little motherfucking Bo Peep.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, because there is absolutely nothing I love more than a high-quality shitshow. And frankly, alcohol no longer even needs to be involved thanks to the ultra-high-quality douchery that modern costumes have to offer.

I'm Offensive!

The only thing this costume will do is get your tits grabbed through cheap foam all night long, and if I wanted that, I’d go star in a porn with Chuck Motherfuckin’ Cheese. And Chuck doesn’t support safe sex.

Now I feel like I’m required to make an AIDS ribbon joke. And AIDS isn’t funny. You’re making me a bad person, Halloween.

Cock joke.

There are absolutely no instances in which this costume would ever be socially appropriate, because then either you want to have sex WITH BIG BIRD, or you want to be fucked AS BIG BIRD.

How much to bring Snuffy in to this?

TEE HEE. Sex crimes are fun!

I have no jokes for this.

I only have penetrating looks of harsh disdain for anyone who should ever wear this costume.

Sad face.

While I’m cognizant of the fact that this is supposed to be a princess, I can’t see anything here other than a pierced saggy titty.

I suppose Princess LonelyBoobs will make for a lovely costume OH IT’S MICHELLE DUGGAR I GET IT NOW. It’s The Queen of Arkansas.

Sweet Baby Jesus.

This is listed as, “Hip-Hop-Princess.” I prefer to call it, “Kinda-Racist-Angrily-Coiffed-Mom-Jeans.”

I will give you $100 if you can tell me what kind of animal is currently skull-fucking her.

Does your pussy smell like onions?

Just look between her legs.

Just look right there, and think about the fact that someone will inevitably walk-of-shame as goddamn ONION on Halloween this year, with dangly straw and the smell of poor life choices emanating from the crotchal region.

There’s nothing sexier than the vegetable everyone hates.

WHERE ARE MY HANDS.

OH THERE YOU ARE.

I lied. Broccoli is sexier than an onion.

what is this I don't even

This is, according to the description, the fucking Moon.

This is, according to my impressive visual capabilities, a very angry herpes sore in very unfortunate shoes.

Why is the moon being so aggressive towards me? I didn’t fuck with the moon or the moon’s girlfriend. The moon needs to back the fuck up, or he’s gonna get punched in the moondick.

I never wanted kids anyway.

While we’re on the subject of dick punchery, the only thing that’s going to happen to you when you wear a costume like this is dick punching. So much dick punching will be had that wearing this costume is considered a legal and viable way to undergo a sexual reassignment in 19 states.

There are no words.

It’s a fucking mushroom, y’all. A circumcised, glove wearing, tap-dancing–mushroom.

THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF.

What’s the dumbest costume you’ve ever seen?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Britney Earwood: “Personally, I think children saying cuss words is adorable. Like midgets playing soccer. It shouldn’t be right, but, oh baby, it is.”

 

Tazer WP September 7, 2011 at 12:13 am

I love you, Noa. Even if you chose to wear a douche-canoe mushroom outfit.
Tazer WP recently posted..Open letters about more shit

Noa September 7, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I’m glad to have your support in resembling a penis.

Crickett September 7, 2011 at 12:17 am

I dunno about the dumbest costume I’ve ever *seen*, but I’ve lived in NYC and Los Angeles, so I’ve seen so many that I’ve probably blocked them out due to the trauma.

Last year, though? I had to leave the house on Hallowe’en, and I had to wear some srot of costume. I was feeling broke, fat, and uninspired, as well as watching a lot of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Well, hello Goodwill! Hi there, $1.o0 blue velour sweatpants! Hello stained wifebeater! Hi there, $2.00 yellow flip-flops!

The trend is that you can make ANYTHING a costume for sluts as long as you add an adjective like “sexy” or “hot” in front of it. Sexy Lifesavers, Hot Liferaft, Sultry Tongue Depressor.

I was going as the surly neighbour on Aqua Teen. Yeah, him. So only one adjective would really do.

I was Hot Carl last year for Hallowe’en. (But y’know what? Sweatpants, flip flops, wifebeater, expected to be fat? I WAS THE MOST COMFORTABLE PERSON THERE. So I win.)
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Crickett September 7, 2011 at 12:19 am

Fuck. Typo. I had to wear some SORT of costume. Not some srot. Dammit.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 7, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I fucking love you so hard for going as Carl.

Now I want to go as meatwad.

Norway September 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Could you clear one thing up for me? EVERY day is Halloween in LA, right? Whoreish costumes and strangers offering candy?

Crickett September 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Yes. Absolutely. Except no-one wants the candy unless it’s a script. On Hallowe’en, it just incites the females to be whorish with SPIRIT!!! Special whore outfits! One night in Hollywood, especially on the Sunset Strip, and you’ll see all that you need to in order to never want to wear anything provocative again.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 7, 2011 at 10:59 pm

So that’s what happened to Lindsay Lohan. She just thought it was Halloween.

Deb Rox September 7, 2011 at 12:21 am

Couples costumes make me want to spread the type of completely false gossip that will bring their hyper-coupledness to a screeching halt.

Elly Lou September 7, 2011 at 7:06 am

Unless they go as the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Then they get 20 extra points.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Last year we got invited to a “Come As A Famous Couple” party and we dressed as Amy Winehouse and a giant syringe. It was fucking epic. . .
Jen recently posted..The Future Is Now, Y’all

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I’ve so rarely seen couples costumes done correctly.

Ambiguously Gay Duo=Awesome.
Almost every Amy Winehouse Reference=Awesome.
Barbie and Ken=GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Rosa September 8, 2011 at 11:20 am

Last year my cousin and his wife dressed as Dexter and a saran-wrap wrapped victim. Much better than Barbie and Ken.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I have got to start watching Dexter.

Christine September 7, 2011 at 12:31 am

I was going to say that most of these “costumes” look like a low-brow shitshow to me, but I just watched Miss America sing God Bless America VERY FUCKING BADLY to an empty Yankee Stadium, so I’m no longer allowing myself to question other people’s choices.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Whaaaaaaaat?

Christine. What the fuck were you watching? Miss America should never be allowed to do anything but show her tits.

Lisa September 7, 2011 at 12:34 am

Halloween is my absolute favorite time of year, and the idiocracy of costumes such as these is a good part of the reason why. You’ve perfectly captured the uber-douchey stupidity of bad Bad BAD costume choices! Huzzah!
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Huzzah! for using the word Huzzah! in a comment!

Andi September 7, 2011 at 12:35 am

I’m not a fan of costumes as a whole — look, I have enough trouble getting dressed without trying to look cool or ironic or something. However, I’m old enough to remember when Halloween costumes for grownups were supposed to be scary. The sexy shit is just annoying. I think the only people who should wear sexy costumes are the people on whom that costume WOULD be scary. Everybody else should dress like my across the street neighbor, who puts on this giant wolf man head with a robe that looks like a wizard’s vestments or something, then hands out candy like that. Only the kids who are brave enough to get close to the gaping maw get candy.

That’s Halloween done right, y’all.
Andi recently posted..Sometimes Life Just Kicks You in the Teeth

Norway September 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm

I think it would take more courage to come up to the Big Bird.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:07 pm

What happened to scary costumes? I miss that shit–it was always more entertaining to see a giant demon stumbling drunk down the street than a sexy plumber puking in the streets.

Crickett September 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

I may never have had a scary costume, but when one owns 2 incredibly mellow ball pythons, one is pretty much obligated to put them in the bowl of giveaway candy. The kids think it’s rad, the parents have an embolism, and the snakes love the attention. Win/win situation right there.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Misty September 8, 2011 at 9:15 am

That is fucking fantastic. I want to spend Halloween with you!
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Andi September 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I don’t know about the candy, but now I want a mellow ball python.
Andi recently posted..Sometimes Life Just Kicks You in the Teeth

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Crickett.

You have a badass name and a badass halloween strategy and I bow to your awesomeness.

Front Desk Ninja September 7, 2011 at 4:03 am

The white hands on the penis costume reminded me of the year I decided to convince my mother to let me be the blue M&M. The amount of garbage bags we had to stuff to make me into the shape of the M&M, only to realise I had to be able to sit on the bus beside two other equally ridiculous children, was heartbreaking.

But those white gloves and white shoes rocked my frigging world as a nerdy 11 year old. Until some jerkwad poured coke on them.

I think the best?worst? costume I’ve witnessed so far is a kissing booth. Guy goes into a costume that is designed to be a walking kissing booth. Absurd on a whole new level.
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Meg September 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

I saw a guy wearing a cardboard box with holes on the front for a lady’s bosoms. The sign on his box said “Free Breast Exams!”

Oy vey.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Anyone wearing that or a Female Body Inspector shirt deserves a tennis racket to the nutters.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:09 pm

My cousin Lana was a raindrop once, and that basically meant she wore 65 dry cleaning bags and black tights. She’s never sweated more in her entire life–she feels your pain as the blue M&M.

Front Desk Ninja September 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm

No one got any work done that day in my class, either. I was the most fidgety child on the planet and anytime I moved, the crinkles of the bags in my costume made every kid look over to me. Breathing heavily also crinkled the bags. It was a no win situation.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

You were impervious to biological warfare, though!

Hoody Hoo September 7, 2011 at 6:22 am

last time I was at a Halloween party, there was a girl there with a BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL costume covered in branches and leaves and what-not — she had to have spent a fortune. But when I asked her what she was, she said, “Oh, just a nature spirit or something.” SERIOUSLY? You put THAT much work into something and then you piss-out on a description? Fuck you, Tree Girl. And fuck you, too, everyone who dressed as Sookie by ordering the outfit from HBO. Way to be original, douche.
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Jen September 7, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I am so fucking over the whole Twilight-True-Blood vampire thing. HBO can suck a bag o’ dicks for perpetuating that craptastic show.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:14 pm

HEAR HEAR

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:14 pm

I think it says a LOT about her personality by working so hard to look so perfect and not even having a fucking name for herself. I’ll be she has a brilliant future in trophy wife.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Amen, my dear. . .A-frickin-men. . .
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Abby September 7, 2011 at 6:48 am

One of the magazines I am the editor of deals with the party industry, meaning that five issues out of the year are VERY Halloween/costume heavy. I see everything from sexy adult costumes and pets dressed as schoolgirls to an even cheesier version of what you showed above. It’s fun for about the first month, but considering I’m already predicting trends for Halloween 2012, it gets old (and I will NOT be adding pubic onions to the trends list.)
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Please tell me one of the predictions for 2012 is the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.

Norway September 10, 2011 at 12:37 pm

OMDWG! Now I totally know what I’m going as! You’re brilliant.

Crystal @ PoM September 7, 2011 at 7:10 am

I think the worst costumes are the couple ones. The worst of those was one year I saw a couple dresses as an outlet and plug. HORRIBLE.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Have you seen the bun and oven set? Stab me in the ovaries.

Havilah September 7, 2011 at 7:55 am

Worst costume: blow-up Sumo Wrestler (with the little fan inside). My mum & older bro both wore them. I’m probably scarred for life. I myself prefer to actually look authentic. I normally dress like a gypsy, with the help of a gypsy woman I know. Only once have I willingly strayed from that look, in order to enter a sci-fi character contest. Princess Leia Organa & Luke Skywalker (played by my twin bro) totally won that competition. The amount of hairspray/gel that it took to hold the “donuts” in place on both sides of my head left my hair crunchy, but it was worth it!

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I saw a ballerina like that once, but he got something jammed in the fan so it smelled like the underside of a squirrel’s butthole in the office all day.

Havilah September 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

First of all, that sounds like the worst smell possible. Second, ‘he’?

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Yep. That wasn’t a typo.

Havilah September 9, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Oh well, I didn’t want to sleep soundly tonight anyway… probably dream of The Black Swan. Cuba Gooding Jr. in a tutu anybody?

Jaclyn September 7, 2011 at 8:05 am

I’m pretty sure that oni0n hair isn’t actually onion pubes. It’s onion baby hair. Because that’s another thing that happens when you push a baby out of your vagina. You see their hair poking out of you between pushes. SEXY!
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:19 pm

HHHHHHRRRRRRCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Luda September 7, 2011 at 9:04 am

This is what I think happened.

Fat kid: Mom, my Superman costume doesn’t look right on me. The tights accentuate my flabby disgusting thighs!

Mom: Right you are, oh son o’ mine. Let’s just put you in an oversize white t-shirt and say you’re The Moon!
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:20 pm

That’s a much more viable costume than herpes sore.

Misty September 7, 2011 at 9:27 am

No lie, I saw that whack a mole costume online and printed it out for my 6 year old as a possible option for halloween. I thought it would be funny. My kids, unfortunately, have no imagination and want to be smurfs or lightning mcqueen or some such tripe. Pffft! Kids. What do they know?
Misty recently posted..The last straw . . . to my heart!

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Apparently, your kids know advertising very well.

Meg September 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

I went to a uni that, in the 80s, was labelled “The Number 1 Party School in America!!” by Playboy. Even though I didn’t arrive in its hallowed halls ’til 1996, it still carried that reputation, and Halloween was always epic there.

I had my share of ill-advised “I’m sooo sexay” costumes (Wild West Dance Hall Girl, Sexy Devil, Cute Kitty) but I saw some costumes that both made me guffaw and cringe. I mentioned the “Free Breast Exams” guy in a cardboard box above, and I also saw a guy dressed as a joint one year. WAY TOO MANY Naughty Nurses and Naughty School Girls (especially when Britney Spears suddenly burst onto the pop scene).

*Sigh* Those were the days. These days, all of those people are climbing the corporate ladder and trying to hide that they ever went out in public dressed like that.
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Jen September 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Pfft! When I was in college dressing like a slut would have been redundant.
Jen recently posted..The Future Is Now, Y’all

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Well played, Jen.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I did my best. . .oh, yes. . .I did my best. . .
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Grace and her friends have a reserved rooftop bar table for Halloween that’s right across the street from the University. They shout at the walk-a-shamers, and it never, ever gets old. University Halloween is the best.

KatieTheBlogLady September 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

My friend showed up at a Halloween party once wearing what is described as an “Adult Shocker Costume.” Basically, you know, he was dressed up as a hand with only the index, middle and pinky fingers extended. (http://www.halloweencostumes.com/adult-shocker-costume.html)

My twat and asshole cringed everytime I looked at him.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Mother of God.

That’s totally the handsign for Sam Houston University in Texas.

Johi September 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

I have a good friend who goes out and rents overpriced costumes for Halloween parties, while we make our own from the “costume bin” in my smelly attic. So imagine my glee when he showed up in a gold lame gown as King Tut. Only he has red hair and freckles and was wearing a dress and looked nothing like King Tut. He looked more like Bea Arthur (Dorothy) from the Golden Girls. We pointed and laughed at him all night, but first I lined his eyes in black eyeliner. It was pure gold (no pun intended). ….and then we all got drunk and my husband’s beloved smoke machine set off the fire alarm in the building so the fire department showed up and then I (being dressed as a cop) frisked an *actual* fireman. Bea Arthur made me do it.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Johi, I want you to understand the deep and abiding love I have for this comment. It is the trifecta of awesome: gingers, Bea Arthur, and figures of authority.

I have not laughed this hard in a very long time.

Johi September 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

Then I should add that this ginger is my best friend and I affectionately refer to him as Ronald McDonald. He loves it. He really does.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Johi. Your life is amazing.

Kelly September 7, 2011 at 10:45 am

Halloween makes me drink heavily. That’s why hubs takes the older kid and the wee one and I hand out candy. (Read: He watches cartoons, I drink, and we leave a bowl of candy on the porch.)

I feel sorry for the people in these pictures. Their agent(s) fucked them up their collective asses on that gig.

Worst costume ever? Nothing like someone who goes to an army surplus store and dresses up as “I stepped on an IED” and shows up to a soldier’s house. What a classy cumbubble you are! :/
Kelly recently posted..Fucking commercials. I mean, REALLY.

Meg September 7, 2011 at 10:19 pm

“Cumbubble” is my new favorite word.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Kelly is also the woman who brought us Twatwaffle–she’s full of amazing words.

Kelly September 8, 2011 at 7:30 am

It’s my national past-time. Fuck baseball. Thinking of ways to make your evil grandmother die of a heart by hearing offensive adjectives and/or proper nouns is great fun.
Kelly recently posted..Fucking commercials. I mean, REALLY.

Kelly September 8, 2011 at 7:32 am

Heart attack. I’m not fully caffinated.
Kelly recently posted..Fucking commercials. I mean, REALLY.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I’m so glad this is your pasttime. You’re helping power the creative cursing sector of Oh, Noa. And for that, I thank you.

Also, I think you should know that Twatwaffle was THE thing to say at BlogHer after I shouted it through a microphone. You’re fucking famous.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm

That may be the worst thing I have ever heard. Ever.

Kelly September 8, 2011 at 7:28 am

I have a feeling he’s also the little fuckstick who busted into my car and stole our dvd player. Hope you’re having fun watching Elmo’s World, assbag.
Kelly recently posted..Fucking commercials. I mean, REALLY.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

He’s still alive?

Ashley Stratton September 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

One of my Halloween favorites, Girl’s Costume Warehouse: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4rUiV_Hh74

Jen September 7, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm

@Ashley: And now I know what I’m being for Halloween. Sexy Abe Lincoln.

@Jen: WARN A BITCH.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Oh, girlfriend. . .consider THIS your warning: do you know ME? Hmm. . .your ass has officially been warned:
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I’m so excited right now. That is the most ominously amazing warning of all time.

Becca September 7, 2011 at 11:40 am

Worst costume ever…. Guy wrapped in a sheet from the waist down. “Hey what are you supposed to be?” He answers, “the walk of shame, get it….” My gut reaction was to knee him in the groin, thus getting me booted from the party. It’s ok though, I was at UCSB, there were A LOT of other parties….
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Wow.

Prize for the dumbest costume I’ve ever heard of, right there.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 12:30 pm

One Halloween we had a guy show up wearing nothing but a bag of random nasty shit strapped to his junk. He was dressed as “fucking disgusting”. Best. Costume. Ever.
Jen recently posted..The Future Is Now, Y’all

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:38 pm

I had to read this twice to get it, but that is fucking amazing.

Jen September 7, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Not even gonna re-hash it. . .just gonna let you wallow in the sheer awesomeness of it. You’re welcome.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I. I…there are no words.

Mamy September 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I worked at a party store in Kalamazoo MI during college and my two 30+ year old bosses dressed as old crazy ladies one year. They had tent dresses, tight curly wigs dyed to match a bluehair and tampons glued to their legs. Best bosses EVER!!!

Mamy September 7, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Actually, I recant this one! Without the visual, it just doesn’t have the horrific impact that seeing the pair in person did! I still to this day can’t figure out what the tampons glued to their legs signified?!?!?
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barefootorbust September 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Were they male or female? Either way I think that is hilarious. And horrifying at the same time. the real fun would be watching customers reactions.

Mamy September 7, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Both female and a trip to work for! Well worth the pittance I made while employed there.
Mamy recently posted..Oh No…the Big 4-0!

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I have no idea what that the tampons mean either, but they sound fucking fun as shit.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 7, 2011 at 12:35 pm

I like to black out a few teeth and dress up like white trash for Halloween. I usually end up looking like an inbred Peggy from Married With Children.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Was Peggy not already inbred?

Angie Uncovered September 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I think most costumes meant to be “humorous” are pretty fucking horrible. I have drawers and hangers full of costumes that are meant to be kinky but just seem “humorous”. So they are all big fat fucking failures really.

My oldest went out with her friends as Stereotype. She tried to embrace as many as she could with bits from every costume she could find. At least it was original and it wasn’t a vegetable or a fruit right? WTF is up with going as broccoli or an onion?
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm

There was a whole cornucopia of vegetable costumes, each one more horrific than the next. Possibly my favorite was the cantaloupe, which looked like a giant testicle.

Wait. That and the mushroom costume, and you could be Lance Armstrong.

Nancy Davis Kho September 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm

There are no words for this entire post. If that whackamole guy doesn’t back up he’s going to get punched in his mushroom, by the angry white trash rapper (frankly, I thought it was a Ke$ha costume, so there you go.)
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Ke$ha Costume: Herpes and glitter. That’s all you need!

Sars September 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

don’t forget to carry your spirit animal
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Shit. I need 17 weasels, stat.

Britt September 7, 2011 at 4:02 pm

That moon thinks he’s the motherfucking Fonz.
Talk about astronomical douchebaggery.
Zing.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:43 pm

WHAAAAAT.

That was awesome.

Vesta Vayne September 7, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I lived in Hollywood for years, so of course on Halloween I locked my door and didn’t come out until the following morning. Watching all the folks that drove to the shittiest place in Earth so they could party like heathens in their sexy and douche-y costumes wander around lost because their friends left them passed out on the sidewalk was always a fun show.
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Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Waking up November 1st for a lot of people in this world must be like waking up to a nuclear holocaust perpetrated by clowns.

barefootorbust September 7, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I haven’t never really done Halloween. We weren’t allowed to do Halloween as kids. We had the lights out and were in bed by 6pm, and got our butts beat if we made a noise. And yes, I did spend a lot of time in my formative years scraping dried oreos from windows, or butter, eggs, ketchup, paint, toothpaste, etc,etc,etc.

As an adult I haven’t really been invited to do anything, nor have I been in a position where I could hold a party. I do, however LOVE to dress up. That is mainly confined to conventions (sci fi, writers, gaming) and movie premiers. Yes, I am probably one of the people in line you are shaking your head at and calling a twat under your breath.

There are some pretty bad costumes at conventions. Worst I have seen….someone made a Dalek dress. The Doctor Who villain. No, I take that back. It has to be the Tardis dress….http://technabob.com/blog/2010/12/21/doctor-who-dalek-tardis-dresses-costumes/
I am a Doctor Who fan, but really?? Seriously?? Why?? WTF, people, WTF.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

When anime con came to Dallas, I watched, half in horror and half in wonderment, as Thunderthighs Sailor Moon gave a pimply Dragon a blow job in front of the Comerica Building.

That will go down in history as the worst costume abuse I have ever seen.

barefootorbust September 8, 2011 at 12:08 am

And that wasn’t even inside the con. :(

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

That was about as much horror as I could stand.

Norway September 7, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Wait. Noa, this makes sense. I realised today (before even reading this post-are you psychic or am I?) that the only reason to have children would be so you could get Halloween candy even as an adult! All you have do to is find a costume that doesn’t make you look like a dick (figuratively OR literally) and bring your kids around for ONE night, then BAM. Free candy to last for weeks!

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.

Noa September 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I have friends who keep a child mannequin in a costume in their attic for just such purposes. WINNING AT LIFE. Oh fuck, did I just make a Charlie Sheen reference? I must be shot now.

Norway September 8, 2011 at 9:02 pm

You should, but you’re Noa. And funny is too valuable. I’d only shoot you if you were a zombie. I want to meet your friend!

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I appreciate that you’d off me if I were Zombified.

Teala September 7, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I loathe all of this damn slutty “costumes.” Like I’m going to spend $100+ on that. I’ll just walk around in my bra and panties with some wings and go as a Victoria’s Secret “Angel.” Take that! OR I’ll go as the broccoli for Halloween this year. It’s a fucking awesome holiday for people-judging…watching… whatever.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Have you seen the Frederick’s of Hollywood costumes? I wore more clothing on my wedding night.

Teala September 9, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Most people are wearing more clothes when naked than those costumes.
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Alexandra September 8, 2011 at 1:29 am

Noa, so unfair you can be BLogher Voice of the Year only once: because I’d love to see this one up there, on stage, car antenna and all.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I’m available for private bookings. But you have to supply the antenna.

Dear Sweet Mama September 8, 2011 at 9:44 am

Noa – I LOVE the mushroom costume. It reminds me of the Disney movie where we all used to get f****d up – errr – treated with prescription medication that our doctor (good ol’ Doc Party) would prescribe for us and watch that movie. With those mushrooms dancing. Why can’t I remember the name of the movie? Ahh – got it – Fantasia!!!! I am beginning to wonder if those anti drug commercials were right. Part of the problem is that I did not think I would survive long enough to see the cumulative effects. A warning from your elders, children.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Reading this may have been witnessing the most awesome descent into dementia ever.

Sars September 8, 2011 at 5:22 pm

please hold while I wipe the tears so I can type….

okay.. that’s better. I love, the fact that you post photos. Last year someone in my tiny little town actually went out as a giant cock (I think he was 6’3″). It was not a mushroom pretending to be a cock, it was a dick with a hairy ballsack. And I personally call this holiday whore-a-ween. I’m sure I don’t need to explain.

I hope you don’t mind if I occasionally stop by and get my laugh on. You are in fact funnier than my Grandma. You may have to duke it out with my Mom, but I will gladly pay money for that. ;)

sars

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I will never mind you laughing and reading. THAT’S WHAT I’M HERE FOR. I’m a giver.

I hope people gave that guy hugs all night long.

Sarah September 9, 2011 at 2:55 pm

The worst costume I’ve seen was a toothfairy with a bare ass. What the fuck?
The worst costume I’ve ever been a part of was when my ex and I dressed up like Elvis and Pricilla. My ex had a traumatic brain injury the previous January and he had a limp, a bulging eye, a twitch and had gained about fourty lbs of fat. When we met he actually looked just like a young Elvis…hot. When we dressed up like them, he looked like an old Elvis cracked outl, fat and bare hairy chest in a white jump suit…not hot. I can’t say I ever looked like Pricilla!!!

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I’m sure I’m not supposed to laugh at, “traumatic brain injury Elvis,” but goddamn that’s fucking funny.

Sarah September 9, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I KNOW!!!! I really wish I had pictures…would it be really wrong to laugh at pictures? We went to the nursing home where I worked and there were old ladies almost wetting themselves over him. And I don’t mean the old-lady-diaper type wet. In their defense, I’m sure their eyesight wasn’t what it use to be…
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elizabeth- flourish in progress September 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I plead the 5th here. There is a small chance the stupidest costume I ever saw was actually, at one point, on my body…in public. So…..I’m just going to try to salvage some dignity and leave it at that.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Well now I HAVE to know.

Carrie September 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I think the Hip Hop Princess costume should be re-named and marketed as a Sweet Baby Jesus costume because 1. it makes as much sense and 2. that Baby Jesus could have looked like that is a comforting and amusing thought.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

That would really change the Bible.

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