You could decide to be a stripper.
You could decide to throw down your quilting rack to run away from your traditional Amish home and abandon all your cares for the promises that Amway offers.
You could decide to populate a remote, tropical island full of derelict men and then kill them all and then mount their heads above your fireplace while wearing a festive sombrero.
There are a lot of bad decisions one can make about life.
A lot of those bad decisions tend to take place each year around Halloween. It’s fucking magical to watch.
On Halloween, it’s somehow totally okay to suddenly turn into the whoriest whore who ever whored and toss your God-forsaken dignity into the gaping asshole of Beelzebub because you are dressed as Little motherfucking Bo Peep.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, because there is absolutely nothing I love more than a high-quality shitshow. And frankly, alcohol no longer even needs to be involved thanks to the ultra-high-quality douchery that modern costumes have to offer.
The only thing this costume will do is get your tits grabbed through cheap foam all night long, and if I wanted that, I’d go star in a porn with Chuck Motherfuckin’ Cheese. And Chuck doesn’t support safe sex.
Now I feel like I’m required to make an AIDS ribbon joke. And AIDS isn’t funny. You’re making me a bad person, Halloween.
There are absolutely no instances in which this costume would ever be socially appropriate, because then either you want to have sex WITH BIG BIRD, or you want to be fucked AS BIG BIRD.
How much to bring Snuffy in to this?
I have no jokes for this.
I only have penetrating looks of harsh disdain for anyone who should ever wear this costume.
While I’m cognizant of the fact that this is supposed to be a princess, I can’t see anything here other than a pierced saggy titty.
I suppose Princess LonelyBoobs will make for a lovely costume OH IT’S MICHELLE DUGGAR I GET IT NOW. It’s The Queen of Arkansas.
This is listed as, “Hip-Hop-Princess.” I prefer to call it, “Kinda-Racist-Angrily-Coiffed-Mom-Jeans.”
I will give you $100 if you can tell me what kind of animal is currently skull-fucking her.
Just look between her legs.
Just look right there, and think about the fact that someone will inevitably walk-of-shame as goddamn ONION on Halloween this year, with dangly straw and the smell of poor life choices emanating from the crotchal region.
There’s nothing sexier than the vegetable everyone hates.
OH THERE YOU ARE.
I lied. Broccoli is sexier than an onion.
This is, according to the description, the fucking Moon.
This is, according to my impressive visual capabilities, a very angry herpes sore in very unfortunate shoes.
Why is the moon being so aggressive towards me? I didn’t fuck with the moon or the moon’s girlfriend. The moon needs to back the fuck up, or he’s gonna get punched in the moondick.
While we’re on the subject of dick punchery, the only thing that’s going to happen to you when you wear a costume like this is dick punching. So much dick punching will be had that wearing this costume is considered a legal and viable way to undergo a sexual reassignment in 19 states.
It’s a fucking mushroom, y’all. A circumcised, glove wearing, tap-dancing–mushroom.
THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF.
What’s the dumbest costume you’ve ever seen?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Britney Earwood: “Personally, I think children saying cuss words is adorable. Like midgets playing soccer. It shouldn’t be right, but, oh baby, it is.”