The Dangerballs Guide To Being The Best At Marriage

09/12/2011 · 165 comments

in Adrian,Dangerballs,How Did My Life Come To This,Love

At some point in your life, you could have the opportunity to trick another human being into thinking you’re non-psychotic enough to bet half their shit that they won’t hate you in 25 years.

Marriage. Isn’t it magical?

Though the rest of the world thinks you won’t last 5 years , Dangerballs wants you to succeed.
Dangerballs wants you to have a love the likes of which the world has never known.
Dangerballs wants you with no murder convictions.

Here are a few helpful hints that can keep your marriage not only strong, but fucking badass as well.

1. When You Fuck Up, Just Get Naked With Cheerios

In the Gavin house, there are only 2 reasons in which either one of us will become angry. Either you’re a jackass, or I’m a little hungry and you’re a jackass. We combat this problem very effectively by either getting naked or presenting a bag of Cheerios like we’re  goddamn toddlers. Sometimes both.

9 times out of 10, Cheerios repair the rancor that lives within my soul.

But if that doesn’t work–it’s freeballin’ time (or fishlippin’, depending on the case).

Have you ever seen a grown man naked? It’s hilarious. You can’t yell at someone who’s dick is dangling helplessly in the wind like an airport windsock. It’s just a ludicrous sight–Adrian acting all indignant, arms crossed huffily over his chest, and fucking nude. Gets me every time.

I should warn that getting naked and offering Cheerios like the Old Testament offers lambs and firstborns only really works in a marriage setting, but I bet it could get you out of a ticket or two. Let me know how that works for you.

2. Mutual Love And Affection Is For Bitches

Cosmo will tell you that the basis for any great marriage is mutual love of _________. Mad Men, BDSM, Hipster music–it doesn’t particuarly matter what it is, so long as you love it together.

Lies. All lies.

Mutual hatred is the tie that binds.

“I hate The White Stripes.”
“Oh God, so do I. You know what else I hate? Fruit Stripe Gum.”
“I hate that too! And–people who drink O’Douls.”
“Who DOESN’T hate the people who drink O’Douls? Who are they kidding?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”


3. Tolerance: Not Just For Alcohol!

When you first start dating someone, your bullshit fence is like the Berlin Wall. You are willing to put up with almost anything, so long as they’ll still pay for dinner. Sure, the house can be at 80 degrees, because you have a great rack! It’s totally cool if you fart in bed, because you have a job. No, I don’t mind that you refuse to wax your ass, because I. Fucking. Love. You.

And let’s fast forward about 2 years when I’ve had enough of your shit, and you’re going to fix it right goddamn now.

There’s no need for this period of adjustment, really. Your pet peeves are not going to change, no matter how much you love a person. Couples need to learn to lower that bullshit fence to weiner-dog height much sooner in the relationship, because once you learn that neither one of you are going to put up with petty bullshit, the happier you’ll be.

“If you will just make the fucking bed, I swear I will not forget to wash your uniforms for weeks on end.”
“Fucking. Deal.”

4. The Tenth Anniversary Is Vaseline

I made a terrible mistake when I first got married.

I got Adrian a really kick-ass birthday present. He raced Corvettes around a sweet track, and I fucked myself over for eternity.

Do not start your marriage with amazing gifts, because then you leave no room for improvement. Now, I have to keep producing more and more incredible presents–year after year I’m playing one-up with myself. When he turns 35, that motherfucker is going to the moon, because that’s really all I have left.

Start small. Start with toilet paper, and work your way up. Maybe move on to Sharpies, if your spouse has been extra-good. By the time they reach 75, you’ll be in the clear for awesome gifts, but they might not live that long and then you’ve saved an assload of money. Savings and a happy marriage–Dangerballs doesn’t stop giving.

5. Sharing is Caring, But This Is My Shit, So Go Fuck Yourself

I learned very quickly that while some parts of marriage are about blending the best of two people together, that does not mean I have to blend everything.

  • This is my side of the bed, and that is your side. Do not cross the pillow line, because you inexplicably raise your body temperature to 705 degrees at night and I can’t deal. Snuggling with you in the middle of the night is like cuddling with Lucifer in a hot tub. Also, I punch in my sleep, and you are in the strike-zone.
  • These are my cookies, those are your cookies, and you cannot eat any of mine or comment at how quickly that box disappears. Fuck off.
  • This is my bathroom, and that is your bathroom, and do not get the two confused. You don’t want to see me shaving anything, and I don’t want to smell your ass for days. We will not share a sink and we will not share a mirror because for being a relatively small man, you stand like you’re 7 foot 8. Go away, you wide-standing bastard.
Seriously, fuck sharing.

What do YOU suggest for being the best at marriage?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Elizabeth: “That bitch is so funny. And so pretty. God, I hate her.”


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