The Dangerballs Guide To Being The Best At Marriage

09/12/2011 · 165 comments

in Adrian, Dangerballs, How Did My Life Come To This, Love

At some point in your life, you could have the opportunity to trick another human being into thinking you’re non-psychotic enough to bet half their shit that they won’t hate you in 25 years.

Marriage. Isn’t it magical?

Though the rest of the world thinks you won’t last 5 years , Dangerballs wants you to succeed.
Dangerballs wants you to have a love the likes of which the world has never known.
Dangerballs wants you with no murder convictions.

Here are a few helpful hints that can keep your marriage not only strong, but fucking badass as well.

1. When You Fuck Up, Just Get Naked With Cheerios

In the Gavin house, there are only 2 reasons in which either one of us will become angry. Either you’re a jackass, or I’m a little hungry and you’re a jackass. We combat this problem very effectively by either getting naked or presenting a bag of Cheerios like we’re  goddamn toddlers. Sometimes both.

9 times out of 10, Cheerios repair the rancor that lives within my soul.

But if that doesn’t work–it’s freeballin’ time (or fishlippin’, depending on the case).

Have you ever seen a grown man naked? It’s hilarious. You can’t yell at someone who’s dick is dangling helplessly in the wind like an airport windsock. It’s just a ludicrous sight–Adrian acting all indignant, arms crossed huffily over his chest, and fucking nude. Gets me every time.

I should warn that getting naked and offering Cheerios like the Old Testament offers lambs and firstborns only really works in a marriage setting, but I bet it could get you out of a ticket or two. Let me know how that works for you.

2. Mutual Love And Affection Is For Bitches

Cosmo will tell you that the basis for any great marriage is mutual love of _________. Mad Men, BDSM, Hipster music–it doesn’t particuarly matter what it is, so long as you love it together.

Lies. All lies.

Mutual hatred is the tie that binds.

“I hate The White Stripes.”
“Oh God, so do I. You know what else I hate? Fruit Stripe Gum.”
“I hate that too! And–people who drink O’Douls.”
“Who DOESN’T hate the people who drink O’Douls? Who are they kidding?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”

CONNECTIONS.

3. Tolerance: Not Just For Alcohol!

When you first start dating someone, your bullshit fence is like the Berlin Wall. You are willing to put up with almost anything, so long as they’ll still pay for dinner. Sure, the house can be at 80 degrees, because you have a great rack! It’s totally cool if you fart in bed, because you have a job. No, I don’t mind that you refuse to wax your ass, because I. Fucking. Love. You.

And let’s fast forward about 2 years when I’ve had enough of your shit, and you’re going to fix it right goddamn now.

There’s no need for this period of adjustment, really. Your pet peeves are not going to change, no matter how much you love a person. Couples need to learn to lower that bullshit fence to weiner-dog height much sooner in the relationship, because once you learn that neither one of you are going to put up with petty bullshit, the happier you’ll be.

“If you will just make the fucking bed, I swear I will not forget to wash your uniforms for weeks on end.”
“Fucking. Deal.”

4. The Tenth Anniversary Is Vaseline

I made a terrible mistake when I first got married.

I got Adrian a really kick-ass birthday present. He raced Corvettes around a sweet track, and I fucked myself over for eternity.

Do not start your marriage with amazing gifts, because then you leave no room for improvement. Now, I have to keep producing more and more incredible presents–year after year I’m playing one-up with myself. When he turns 35, that motherfucker is going to the moon, because that’s really all I have left.

Start small. Start with toilet paper, and work your way up. Maybe move on to Sharpies, if your spouse has been extra-good. By the time they reach 75, you’ll be in the clear for awesome gifts, but they might not live that long and then you’ve saved an assload of money. Savings and a happy marriage–Dangerballs doesn’t stop giving.

5. Sharing is Caring, But This Is My Shit, So Go Fuck Yourself

I learned very quickly that while some parts of marriage are about blending the best of two people together, that does not mean I have to blend everything.

  • This is my side of the bed, and that is your side. Do not cross the pillow line, because you inexplicably raise your body temperature to 705 degrees at night and I can’t deal. Snuggling with you in the middle of the night is like cuddling with Lucifer in a hot tub. Also, I punch in my sleep, and you are in the strike-zone.
  • These are my cookies, those are your cookies, and you cannot eat any of mine or comment at how quickly that box disappears. Fuck off.
  • This is my bathroom, and that is your bathroom, and do not get the two confused. You don’t want to see me shaving anything, and I don’t want to smell your ass for days. We will not share a sink and we will not share a mirror because for being a relatively small man, you stand like you’re 7 foot 8. Go away, you wide-standing bastard.
Seriously, fuck sharing.

What do YOU suggest for being the best at marriage?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Elizabeth: “That bitch is so funny. And so pretty. God, I hate her.”

 

Tazer WP September 12, 2011 at 12:36 am

OH MY FUCKING HELL. I’M DYING. DYING.

” (or fishlippin’, depending on the case).”

God damn it, warn a girl! Well… you did cause you’re you, but still. DYING.

My only addition to this list?
6. Marry someone with your sleep schedule. Cause if you’re dumb enough to marry a vampi…er… night owl, or a chirpy 5AM asshole, when you actually work for a living, you’ll end up being a raging homicidal bitch. That shit just doesn’t work.
Tazer WP recently posted..FYF: Fix the National Debt

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Oh man, the sleep schedule. Adrian and I have slightly different schedules, but it works out amazingly well because 6 nights out of 7, I don’t have to deal with his body temperature. Love.

Wayne Zombie September 18, 2011 at 10:58 am

Try being married to an astronomer and having a day job. But I do have to say, living at 9000′ and seeing a 3.5 meter telescope on a regular basis is pretty awesome. And I did know what I was getting in to, so no cause to complain.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

That sounds pretty fucking rad, honestly.

Alexandra September 12, 2011 at 12:44 am

OK, I have GOT to figure out a way to get your writing and getting paid for it.

This was so good…please, send it in somewhere, I don’t know where, but it is SO DAMN GOOD.

Please?
Alexandra recently posted..Unimaginable Realities – For Anna See

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

You just made my whole day.

Kella September 13, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I’m for it. Personally, this is what I was rooting for Dear Abby and Ann Landers to turn into: “Ann Landerballs – Head Cuntmuffin of Social Fucking Values”

Totally needs to be an advice column. I fucking dare you. I even promise to stalk it and offer unsolicited advice to viewership!

Possible titles could be:

The Dangerballs Guide to a Sexier (and less hairy) You
Lose Some Fucking Weight, Already ~ Nutritional advice from Dangerballs Gavin
I’ll Let You Fuck Me if You Stop Blaming Your Farts on the Dog ~ Tips on how to repair your struggling marriage
I Never Loved You ~ Insight into calmer family relations
Please Stop Breathing in Public: The Dangerballs Political Blog

I’ll think of more if you don’t like those…

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:09 am

I’m still stuck on Ann Landerballs. Did that just happen?

I can’t even breathe. That shit was hilarious.

Kella September 18, 2011 at 1:23 am

Mwah. You’re welcome.

(I was out of cookies.)

Oh! Also, you’ll be amused (horrified?) to know that someone has requested I make them a twatwaffle magnet for their fridge. Consider your momentary lack of breath 49% controlling interest in my perpetual shame. <3
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

Excellent.

nadine September 12, 2011 at 12:44 am

fuck relationships so much man. fuck them hard. i’m so sick to death of this fucker right now… being all up in my bathroom for a leisurely piss, OH GREAT, YOU PEED ON MY FLOOR AGAIN, WONDERFUL. I don’t go into his bathroom for a reason – it’s fucking nasty. Now I’m gonna implement the “stay the fuck out of my bathroom until you clean your shitter because I’ve been in porta-crappers cleaner than your bathroom, motherfucker.”

i’m so jaded, i have no relationship advice except that if something disappoints you in the beginning of a relationship, don’t brush it off. you’ll learn that a life without oral sex will make you resent your mate and that you fantasize about his best friend way too much.
nadine recently posted..whatever, i’m going to be a hermit.

Jaclyn September 12, 2011 at 8:35 am

I was struggling, Nadine. I did not know what kind of comment to leave because I too have a shitty relationship.

I will say that, in your case, you can’t really be blamed. Because his best friend is SO FUCKING HOT. I can’t believe he still won’t send us a dick pic. And yes, we really did ask for one.
Jaclyn recently posted..The Reach-Around. For Diapers.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:46 pm

@Nadine: I think it’s time to learn to throw a mop like a javelin.

@Jaclyn: Did you mean windsock pic?

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:28 am

I’ve told a few good friends that you’ll flunk marriage if you can’t pass the oral. Who gives a good goddamn if you don’t like it? Take a trip down south once in a while, ya fuck.

nadine September 12, 2011 at 12:45 am

GOOD ADVICE: Don’t marry someone who snores. They are shitty and will ruin your will to live.
nadine recently posted..whatever, i’m going to be a hermit.

wagthedad September 12, 2011 at 3:00 pm

What do you do if your spouse starts snoring once you’re married to her? Hmm?

Truth be told, snoring doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m not being kicked in the crotch or have someone’s feet down the back of my underwear, I’m cool.

Seriously, with the whole snoring thing? Why not just get earplugs?
wagthedad recently posted..Got Me a Ticket For An Aeroplane

nadine September 12, 2011 at 4:46 pm

oh funny you should mention that. i have ear-plugs, the highest decibel grade I can buy, and still I hear that beast.

Even with a fan and an air purifier for more white noise to drown him out… nothing works. I don’t like noises when I sleep, I’m a light sleeper. The only thing that seems to work is 2 sleeping pills, 1 xanax, some wine and the ear plugs. Now that’s a good night’s sleep.
nadine recently posted..whatever, i’m going to be a hermit.

margarita September 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Well, Nadine, MY advice was going to be that the key to a good marriage is drugs.
So you’re on the right track there.
margarita recently posted..Fakebook

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm

@Nadine: I’m so grateful that Adrian doesn’t snore. I might have killed him already.

@Wag: Wow, that’s a shit deal. You find out ONLY LATER that you will never sleep ever. I totally put my feet on Adrian when they’re cold. I only get punched about half the time!

Kella September 13, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Husbeast snores. We have a routine, after four years: He snores and scares me the fuck awake, I barn-door kick him in the butt and tell him to roll over, he flings his arms (windmill-style) over and unconsciously open-hand socks me in the face while insisting (at the SAME TIME AS SNORING) that he’s not snoring and I need to stop waking him up for no reason.

Our love is unique.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:11 am

I texted Adrian something about the screenplays at 6 am last week. I have no recollection of doing so, but I think it must have been an awesome sleep conversation.

Handflapper September 12, 2011 at 12:51 am

Breathe-Rite strips. The gift that keeps on giving–They will give him life, because you won’t have to smother him in his sleep, and it will give you restful nights.

nadine September 12, 2011 at 2:15 am

those don’t seem to work here, but he keeps using them. I’m so delirious from sleep-deprived rage that I downloaded an app for my iPhone and auto-tuned a song about how I’m going to kill him in his sleep just to get some peace and quiet.
nadine recently posted..whatever, i’m going to be a hermit.

Jaclyn September 12, 2011 at 10:37 am

I’m going to need to hear that.
Jaclyn recently posted..Shit My Dad Says- No Really

Nowen September 13, 2011 at 6:23 am

Get the guy tested for sleep apnea. My husband snored so loudly he woke our neighbors in our duplex – no joke. He now has a Darth Vader mask, but I’m not forced to kill him in his sleep so it’s a plus.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:12 am

In your house, though, Darth Vader mask is a plus. Lord knows he’s said, “I find your lack of faith…disturbing…” about 100 times with it on, right?

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm

@Handflapper: During the springtime when the earth conspires to kill Adrian, Breathe-Rite is the best thing ever.

@Nadine: That’s some dedication to the cause right there. I’m with @Jaclyn on that one.

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:12 am

He probably has sleep apnea. In that case, send him to the doctor and get a CPAP (Constant Positive Air Pressure) machine. It’ll sound like you’re sleeping with Darth Vader, but it’s gotta be easier than sleeping next to a grizzly bear that, as an occasional bonus, sounds like it’s being strangled by the Sasquatch.

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:31 am

Oops, somebody already beat me to the sleep apnea and Darth Vader references. But I got the corner on Sasquatch.

Becca_Masters September 12, 2011 at 12:56 am

I fucking love cheerios. And I fucking love you and funny as fuck posts.
Way to make my Monday morning!!!!

Also I’m totally sharing this with my husband.
Becca_Masters recently posted..Twenty, twenty, twenty four hours ago, I wanna be sedated.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Cheerios: Not just for toddler tantrums anymore!!

And I fucking love you back.

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:13 am

I’m batshit for honey-nut Cheerios.

Hopheadmistress September 12, 2011 at 12:57 am

AMEN to the anti-snuggling-with-a-fucking-furnace sentiment! He doesn’t seem to understand nor care that he somehow raises his body temp to eleventy goddamn billion degrees under the covers, and that cuddling with the Human Torch leaves my lady bits (among other bits) aflame. GTF back on your side, and clip your fucking toenails, Edward Scissortoes!

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:51 pm

THE FUCKING TOENAILS.

I can’t count how many scars I have from Adrian’s raptor toes, and we’ve only been married for a little over 2 years.

Carrie September 19, 2011 at 8:33 am

oh god yes! My husband once carved lines into my foot with his “talons”. Over a year later the scar is still there. And yes I am very bitter about it.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 11:01 am

Fuck! I would be bitter, too.

Stephanie December 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I’m the Human Torch in our marriage and believe me, the LAST thing I want to do is snuggle. I’m hot enough already. Don’t. touch. me. Treat the middle of our bed like the DMZ and stay on your side!

Crickett September 12, 2011 at 1:25 am

It has been made clear to me that I’m not the sort of woman that men marry. I make a great fucking training wife, though! Date me for a couple of years, and I’ll train your ass up so that you’re all kinds of ready when you find that special lady.

Anyway, all that being said, I have no fucking marriage advice. I’m on my way to being a spinster, and I think when I turn 40, I’mma throw myself a Bachelorette Party/Spinster Shower. Let some motherfuckers buy me a goddamn Cuisinart and some nifty plates because I was nice enough over the years to NOT make them wear some hideous salmon-coloured meringue of a dress in public and in 500 photos. I wonder if the Target registry allows singles, or if I have to make up a spouse. Hrm. My frog IS named Klaus…
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I would love to attend said party for you and your beau, Klaus. I think it might be the greatest party that ever was.

Eric September 12, 2011 at 1:31 am

I’m divorced twice, there will not be a third. The next marriage ends in death and I don’t care which one of us has to go.

But I’ll buy Cheerios.
Eric recently posted..I will remember

Jen September 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

Hear, hear, Eric! I think I love you just a little right now. . .but not enough to marry you. . .let’s just live in sin until we piss each other off. That way, no lawyers. Just pack up your toaster and your porn and get the fuck out.
Jen recently posted..3 Minutes

Eric September 13, 2011 at 4:10 am

Your plan has merit, Jen, but I do believe my lovely Kitten would not approve of this plan . . . and she lets me keep my porn, as long as I don’t mix it up with hers. And she has a great toatser.

and ex-wife #2, her name was Jen. Sorry.
Eric recently posted..I will remember

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:53 pm

@Eric: Cheerios save lives.

@Jen: I don’t even know what to do with you anymore.

Jen September 12, 2011 at 10:02 pm

You’re right, Noa. . .I’ve been naughty. I think I need a spanking. Eric? Are you still awake?
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:36 am

I hear you. I got married at 35. 6 years in, it’s going well. But I’m only doing this once.

The Expatresse September 12, 2011 at 1:34 am

GPS. For road trips. Has saved my marriage more times than I can count. We first bought one back in the dark ages when they were only in the hand-held version for hiking. Still Worth. Every. Penny.

Jen September 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Men suck ass at reading maps because see an inch and equate it as more than just a mile. They have similar views of their dicks, but I digress.
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:19 am

I bought a map with a 1 mile=1 mile scale, but it’s too goddamn hard to fold.

My wife and I don’t communicate directions well to each other in the car. Not sure if it’s a mutual problem, or maybe I’m just as shitty at taking direction as I am at giving it (probably #2). The GPS with the Bitchin’ Betty voice directions saves us a whole lot of strife and seeing each other’s personal possessions wind up under the wheels of the vehicle behind us.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

@Expatresse: Oh no, the Male Gavin does not believe in GPS because it won’t show the back routes and let you explore. The lack of it, however, makes me homicidal.

@Jen: Fucking Adrian collects maps. I get the ONE MAN who won’t use GPS.

Stephanie December 18, 2011 at 6:48 pm

My husband still does not let me live down our first long road trip (YEARS ago) to visit his family. He woke me up AS we were PASSING an exit to ask me if that was our exit. (A) What fucking state are we even in? (B) Um, we’re visiting YOUR family right? Shouldn’t you know how to get there?

Luvvie September 12, 2011 at 1:59 am

I. AM. DEAD. This had me cackling like a banshee in the middle of the night. Noa, I hate that I love you so much. And by hate, I mean thoroughly enjoy.
Luvvie recently posted..Guess Who’s Coming to Patti’s Dinner? I. AM. SLAYED.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I feel that this comment was really enhanced by your picture, who is winking at me.

Hoody Hoo September 12, 2011 at 6:38 am

Once again, you have proven we are separated at birth! But I will add that swearing st your significant other in a language he does not understand will make you feel much better without hurting his feelings… and will make him think you’re waaaaaay smart so he’ll ask you for translations of stuff on TV. And ya just can’t beat HAVING ANOTHER HOUSE TO SEND HIM HOME TO! : )
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Blasphemeeeeee, Blaspheyoooou

Misty September 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Yeah, you’re soooo lucky like that. Forget separate bathrooms, beds or even bedrooms. I really need my own house! That may just save my marriage.
Misty recently posted..Where were you when the world stopped turning . . .

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm

@Hoody: With the languages, Adrian is the one in our house who’s cussing up a non-English storm. I know the Romanian word for Cunt, and I’m fairly sure he’s used it several times. Today.

@Misty: That would be AMAZING. I think Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter actually do have separate homes.

Jen September 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

That’s because living with Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Fuckin’ Marla Singer Carter would be enough to drive you batshit crazy without throwing any of the TRADITIONAL marital shit into the bouillabaisse otherwise known as matrimony.
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:17 am

There’s not an amount of money I wouldn’t pay to be in that house for one day. I bet it’s some of the craziest shit you’ve ever seen.

Britt September 12, 2011 at 7:44 am

Well, I’m not married. But drawing from the shit I’ve heard, I’ve concluded the best advice is “Don’t.”
But that naked cheerios trick is probably a killer party favour.
Dually noted.
Britt recently posted..Shut Your Face, Princess.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm

At parties, I recommend using Fruity Pebbles. It’s more festive.

Ann September 12, 2011 at 9:03 am

Ok so I am married and have been for almost 5 years but we have been together for over 12. The one piece of advice I would give is to respect the person you are with. No you can’t change their annoying habits like pulling out the kitchen chair and never pushing it back in or eating on the couch and leaving crumbs everywhere after you just vaccuumed the carpet, etc. It drives me insane sometimes. But seriously, if that’s all I have to bitch about, I think I have it pretty good. We respect each other, know that we need to have our own lives with our own friends without each other and make raising our daughter #1 priority. We know our strengths and support our weaknesses and I think that goes a long way. Not don’t get me wrong, if I come home and the laundry is done, I will thank Baby Jesus for the miracle that occured. But I would always rather have someone that isn’t jealous, loves me for who I am than some asshole with a ton of money who doesn’t respect me.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:58 pm

A. Fucking. Men.

Also quite underrated? Saying Thank You. I don’t think saying, “thank you,” is ever understood–must be said every time.

Ann September 15, 2011 at 10:53 am

For sure. Especially for the little things. Goes a long way

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:18 am

THANK YOU.

See what I did there?

Heather Rose September 12, 2011 at 9:03 am

I played my hand too early – I used sex as the blackmail to get him to date me. Now it’s almost 7 years later and I have nothing left to trick him into marriage. Where’s the post about that, huh?
Heather Rose recently posted..Suck it, Ben

Noa September 12, 2011 at 8:59 pm

My uncle reads this blog. That post ain’t a-comin.

Lawmommy September 12, 2011 at 9:26 am

You have made me laugh very hard this morning.

When I got married (at the very young age of barely 23) and then immediately moved to another continent with my brand new, equally young husband who had never even been on a plane before, much less one to the other side of the planet – my mom and step-dad gave us two masks in the shape of beaver snout and teeth. The instructions were to put the noses on when we were having a real fight, and if either of us could continue to have the argument while looking at the other one wearing a beaver snout, whiskers and buck teeth, it was probably something worth arguing about. We have found this a pretty effective means of determining what is “serious” and what is bullshit – we still have the beaver snouts, but the number of serious arguments can be counted on one hand.

As for what makes the best kind of marriage – I kind of think moving to the other side of the planet, to a country where neither of you speaks the language, for an extended period of time (like 2 years) is a pretty good way to cement a relationship. You are either going to bond together with the strength of gorilla glue or kill each other.
Lawmommy recently posted..As the fire of memory burns me, the grace of your love returns me, to this most traveled of highways*

The Expatresse September 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

I want some of those!!
The Expatresse recently posted..The Romance of the Ruble

Carrie September 12, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Those masks are a great idea. I think they should be used for EVERY conflict between people – coworkers, politcal pundits, etc.
Carrie recently posted..Lost Mattress: Never Say Optimism is Dead

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

@Lawmommy: My sister called me this afternoon, laughing her ass off while she was on the hunt for beaver masks because she liked this advice so much. YOU ARE ONE INSPIRING LADY.

@Expatresse: Wal-Mart.

@Carrie: Wouldn’t the debates be so much more fun like that?

Leanne Shirtliffe September 12, 2011 at 9:26 am

Hilarious.

My husband has the eating thing. If he doesn’t eat, he gets angry. Next time I’m going to ping him in the head with Cheerios.

One marriage tip that has helped us is a mutual F*** Off sign. A secret sign. So we can tell each other to F Off when we’re in public or at a party without offending our dinner party hosts. I’m not even being flippant. (For once).

I think they should teach this in marriage prep classes.
Leanne Shirtliffe recently posted..Reading: An Autobiography

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Adrian has gone so far as making sure I’ve packed a snack when we go anywhere so I don’t kill him. Because I’m a wonderful wife!

I must come up with a fuck off sign…

ColinP September 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

Is it really murder if you can arrange an “accident”?
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm

It helps if you don’t ask on a public blog.

ColinP September 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Oh and I loved the post, totally made my day.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:18 am

Fuck yes.

Jen September 12, 2011 at 9:49 am

Best advice is to marry someone who won’t sleep with the next-door neighbor while you’re in the hospital giving birth to his children. . .or someone who hasn’t done time for embezzlement. . .or someone who doesn’t crash your computer from downloaing gay porn. . . Yeah, my ex was one hell of a guy.
Jen recently posted..3 Minutes

Jaclyn September 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

My husband has crashed our computer multiple times from downloading ass porn, but at least it was STRAIGHT ass porn. Which makes me wonder… the neighbor… was it a guy? Umm… I mean, wow that sucks. Yeah. That sucks.
Jaclyn recently posted..Shit My Dad Says- No Really

Jen September 12, 2011 at 10:59 am

No, as far as I know he hasn’t officially “jumped the fence”, but he may have been someone’s bitch in prison.
Jen recently posted..3 Minutes

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm

@Jen: I don’t have any of those things. PHEW.

@Jaclyn: Does he deny it? Because that’s awesome.

@Jen: If he’s looking at dicks in asses, I think we can assume he’s probably been in an ass.

Jaclyn September 13, 2011 at 8:04 am

He definitely does not deny it.
Jaclyn recently posted..Shit My Dad Says- No Really

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:20 am

Spectacular.

wicked opinion September 12, 2011 at 10:22 am

Airport windosck, huh? Does he have a brother?
wicked opinion recently posted..take it easy

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Sorry, no. But, I did learn the other day that Hungary has, on average, the largest penises of all.

Let that brew for a while.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I should amend that by saying all of Europe. Hungary ain’t got shit on Africa.

wicked opinion September 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

That would have been actually funny IF I HAD SPELLED IT RIGHT.

My marriage tip is this:

When they show their ass, run. I didn’t and now have a crumbling idiot sleeping on my couch. Kill me now.
wicked opinion recently posted..take it easy

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I think my brain has developed a mental digitization for husband ass. Comes in real handy.

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

Am I….Am I fucking going blind? I re-read the post twice looking for the link to sign up for The Dangerball Marriage Counseling sessions. Where’s the link, ho???

If there isn’t one, you should consider adding one as a passion project. Think of all the marriage you’ll be saving. Or fucking up.
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Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

For you, I will personally fly to LA and counsel you.

And by counsel, I mean we’ll go shopping.

Luda September 12, 2011 at 10:48 am

6. If the Cheerios stop working, break out the big guns: Honey Nut.
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Misty September 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Unless it’s really serious, then you will need the Chocolate Cheerios. Don’t know how anyone can stay mad when faced with that deliciousness.
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Jen September 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

How the fuck did I not know about chocolate Cheerios? Those sound amazing. . .
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

@Luda: OR APPLE CINNAMON. Those fuckers are delicious.

@Misty: I’m scared to try them. Are they delicious? @Jen and I are both curious.

Misty September 13, 2011 at 7:05 am

Yes, they are amazing. Also? Cinnamon Burst Cheerios. Get thee to a Walmart, asap!
Misty recently posted..Where were you when the world stopped turning . . .

Jen September 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

Oooh! Can do! I love Wal-Mart ‘cuz the people there make me feel so pretty and smart! It’s cheaper than therapy and Prozac, yo.
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Sarah September 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

Funnier than an angry naked man? A naked man playing his penis like a guitar. Seriously…stretch that shit out and strum away! I can never stay mad when he whips out his dick guitar!

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:06 pm

The mental image is magical.

Jen September 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

PLAY FREEBIRD!!!
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Andi September 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

These are all great, but you forgot some of my tips:

6) Have mutually compatible levels of laziness. I’m anal about getting the kids stuff done. Neither of us cares much about the house. And we’re both FAR too lazy to file paperwork for divorce. It’s easier to figure out how to live with each other.

7) If you’re really busy, schedule sex. Works better than having your spouse walk in and strip naked and you’re like, “Are you sure you want to do this while I’m boning a fish? Hello, sharp knife and inappropriate puns.”

8) Never, ever compare the other person to their least favorite relative. Or your least favorite relative. Them’s fighting words.

9) It is ok to hit, kick, scream, punch, throw and otherwise eviscerate things. Just remember the key word — THINGS. Not people.

10) While in the middle of a hissy fit, it is fine to stop and reassure your spouse, “It’s not you, I just need to scream, “Die Motherfucker!” repeatedly right now.” Then carry on with your bad self.
Andi recently posted..The Eighties Called. They Want Me Back.

Misty September 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Yeah, it gets real all up in here when he ever dares to compare me to my mother. Shit goes down.
Misty recently posted..Where were you when the world stopped turning . . .

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm

@Andi: I had to re-read #7 like, 19 times to make sure you weren’t recommending sex with a fish.

@misty: Those are words to die by.

Andi September 12, 2011 at 10:59 pm

With the Hubs, anything goes. I told him he should have been in the Coast Guard — their motto is “Always Ready.”
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:20 am

I don’t even know what to say to that. Wow.

Johi September 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Sharpies rule.
I actually do all my best work with sharpies, while in the presence of a naked man eating cheerios. And the mutual hatred thing is gold, and vital to keeping the conversation “fresh” during the years of soiled diapers and no sleep.
For success in marriage; I recommend earplugs, your own car and a sense humor.
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Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm

The separate cars rule is a golden one–my car gets cleaned once a year, the passenger side window is taped the fuck up, and the entire right side of my car doesn’t work.

Adrian’s car? Immaculate.

Dani September 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Seriously, dude… I hate saying shit like this on someone else’s blog because it’s kind of obsequious and stalker-ish but GET OUT OF MY HEAD! That is freaking hilarious and I can relate to literally all of it. My husband and I rock at mutual hatred of everything, and that’s where we bond. The bathroom and the bed issue? WORD.

You are definitely funnier than my grandma, and she was a class act and one funny lil French Woman.
Dani recently posted..facebooking from the edge…: Always something there to remind me…

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I am honored that we think so much alike BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME.

Misty September 12, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I am a huge proponent of not fucking touching me while we are sleeping. Sexy time is one thing, but when I want to sleep, do not put one measly part of your person on my person or there will be consequences. This is what body pillows were invented for . . . mid-bed demarcation.

Also, my master bath has 2 completely separate sink areas, like on either side of the room, so that I don’t have to deal with being anywhere near him in the bathroom. Plus, he knows that if I am in the bathroom getting ready or anything, that he needs to stay the fuck out. Unless the house is burning down, then he may knock politely and inform me of the emergency. Otherwise? Two other bathrooms in the house dammit. Feel free to use them. Stay out of mine!

#6 Go ahead and let them tell you how to fix all your problems, while you give them a smile and nod, then just go about your business and do whatever you were gonna do anyway. If you start to argue about how it’s not a good idea, you hurt their poor wittle feewings and then they pout. Just let them ramble, give ‘em a nice pat on the head and a good boy, then go about your business. It will save marriages, I guarantee you.
Misty recently posted..Where were you when the world stopped turning . . .

Jen September 12, 2011 at 1:25 pm

My ex-husband, Gil used to paw at me in my sleep and it annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me. If I want to be felt up I’ll go to the airport and hit up TSA, so back the fuck off!
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:12 pm

@Misty: Adrian and I will never ever figure out #6. We’re constantly solving each other’s problems–legitimately with good ideas–but we’re both too stubborn to listen. COOPERATION.

@Jen: Go look up the SNL TSA sketch. You’re welcome.

Jen September 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

Epic. . .thank you.
Jen recently posted..They’re Gettin’ Married! "WHOOPITY-DO!"

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:41 am

My wife has the bathroom connected to the master bedroom. I have the bathroom 10 feet down the hall. Bonus: it’s the bathroom that people use when they come over, so I’m forced to keep it clean. I did 6 years in the Navy, so this is not a foreign concept. This system seems to work well.

Margaret Goerig September 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Oh, Noa. Amazing little piece you’ve written today. I’m not married, nor have I ever been married, nor have I ever been close to being married, nor am I even close to being married right now. That said, I think a successful marriage must also have something to do with ultimatums. For example, “Pack my lunch for me today and don’t forget my string cheese OR ELSE I’m going to pee on your pillow for the next five nights.” Need another example? I happen to have one handy: “Go get me three pounds of froyo right now and don’t forget the Almond Joy OR ELSE I’m going to tell your best friends how you like to dress up in that Grumpy Bear Care Bear suit and read me poems while I rub the rain cloud on your belly.” Bottom line: it could always be worse.

Britt September 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Fucking brilliant.
Threats can get you anywhere.
Britt recently posted..Shut Your Face, Princess.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:13 pm

@Margaret: Let’s take a second and bask in the glory of this phrase: “Pack my lunch for me today and don’t forget my string cheese OR ELSE I’m going to pee on your pillow for the next five nights.”

Adrian’s getting threatened in a whole new series of fun an interesting ways!

@Britt: Mafia or Marriage.

Margaret Goerig September 13, 2011 at 11:11 am

I’m honored at the moment of silence, Noa, and well, I’m not going to lie. It made me chuckle a tiny bit. Just a little.

True, Britt, but if you meet your match in that department, I recommend the filibuster. Just pick up the phone book and start reading out loud from it, until the other person relents and promises to give you your way, if you’ll just. stop. reading.

Kelly September 12, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Things that work in my house:

1. Make sure your snark superpower is finetuned. That way, you can say exactly what you feel, but they think you’re kidding. But you’re not. It is a skill, and takes a lot of practice. I suggest using check out clerks at Walmart – I’m always pissed off when I go in there, and inevitably I end up in the stupidest person in the world’s lane, so there’s ample opportunity to get in a few tries. Practice makes perfect, y’all.

2. Remind the husband not so gently that you are the only one who cooks, cleans, and does laundry, and if he wants to eat, not have the house smell like his bathroom, and have clean clothes, he needs to STFU.

3. Show off your c-section scar and remind him that it is because of his penis that you were practically chopped in half. Also remind him to remember what your uterus looks like, because he knows.

4. Have a mini mental meltdown in Target. Bring your voice to the decibel/note just below hysterical and ask him if you’re ever going to have sex again. Make sure there are several people around, and then head towards the arts and craft supplies, mumbling that you need something to do since your husband won’t put out.

I used all four in the last week, and the results are as follows:

1. I haven’t cooked anything this week/end.
2. I haven’t washed a single dish or item of clothes.
3. My car got detailed.
4. I actually turned down sexual favors last night because I was walking like a rodeo clown.
Kelly recently posted..Halloween is comin’ early this year…

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:15 pm

I’ve mastered #1 a little too well. Now, Adrian just won’t listen to me when I’m speaking in that tone. Fuck.

Also, you just might be the best at marriage.

lola September 12, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I LOVE this list! Seriously peeing in my pants right now…which also may or may not have something to do with vaginal prolapse after squeezing 3 huge boys out of my vajay. I especially agree with number 2. My husband and I tell people ALL THE TIME that the reason we are married is that we hate each other slightly LESS than we hate everyone else. And after 14 years of marriage, I would begrudgingly choose him all over again as all the other choices suck ass.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I really think that Dr. Phil needs to do a show on how hating the same things can save a fucking marriage.

Nopn-Crispy Texan September 12, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Like women are a picnic…: “Well, I know I said I didn’t do that anymore, but you think maybe those people down the street that are awake all the time, well…I mean maybe…I’ve heard it makes the sex better…”

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Yeah, I was no fucking treat today when I came home and Adrian and I had this conversation.

“Hi Noa.”
“Fuck off.”
“Do you need some cheerios?”
“FUCK. OFF.”
“Get in a better goddamn mood or don’t fucking talk to me.”
“I might be hungry.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”

Carey September 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Amen, man.

One trick I learned from my last marriage and carried forward is that all financial discussions and budgeting meetings happen naked, in the bathtub, preferably with munchies and booze. (Bathtub big enough for three was part of the house-hunting musts.) You have the “arguing is ridiculous when you’re naked” thing, plus the “how can I get too stressed about this while lounging in a bath with a glass of wine?” factor, plus the ability to put bubbles on your opponent’s head to make them look even more ridiculous if you feel the need to lash out. We bought bathtub crayons for scribbling notes on the tile next to the tub, in case the numbers got really involved.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Adrian talks to me about money while I’m jacking around on Buzzfeed.com, because I’m usually laughing too hard at a video of Hitler dubbed with the theme from The Jeffersons to listen, and just nod my head.

Jessica September 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

No shit, the other night I walked in on my husband naked, bending over to turn on the shower and I laughed so hard for like 20 minutes. Bahaha, I’m laughing thinking about it. He got all butt hurt about it while I tried to explain through fits of laughter that walking in not expecting to see balls like that is just too damn funny. How are naked man bodies so hilarious but we still want to have them all up on ours with the sex stuff? Odd.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:19 pm

There is very little more shocking than walking into balls. I’ll never get used to that.

wagthedad September 12, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Oh God. Blowjobs? Those will help a marriage along. And everything you said.

What? Yes, I said blowjob, because I think it’s a valid point.

Umm….you said the part about sharing, the part about not looking at each other’s junk, the part about penises being hilarious when flapping in the wind, the not touching my cookies thing (I hate that, my wife ALWAYS has to try everything I eat and I always order just enough for me so stay away from that but I can’t tell her not to because men don’t get to say shit like that anymore and so I am always one bite short of enough).

One bite short. Of enough. One. Bite. Short. Of. Enough.

ONE BITE SHORT OF ENOUGH. What, I can’t have that ONE BITE? Is that too fucking much to ask in a marriage?

Dammit, Noa. I think you’ve figured it all out already.
wagthedad recently posted..Got Me a Ticket For An Aeroplane

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

You do bring up a valid point. Almost all arguments with men can be solved with oral sex.

NOT THAT I KNOW THAT OR ANYTHING, FAMILY WHO READS MY BLOG.

Yvonne September 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Absofuckinlutely. Blow jobs. And not just on Fathers Day or birthdays. Does a marriage good. So does reciprocating oral sex. Tough to have an argument after some 69. I will be married 31 years this month.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:21 am

You just made Adrian a really happy man.

But not by giving him a blowjob. That’s my job.

Well, shit.

Steve Bailey September 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm

haha! This is genius stuff…. and darkly true!!!

My advice for a lasting marriage would be…….. hmmmm……
I guess maybe multiple spouses…. that way you could kinda cut loose the bad ones as some inevitably reveal that inner crazy!

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I love that your marriage advice is the process of elimination. That makes me smile so much.

The Wannabe Housewife September 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I propose (no pun intended) that this gets gets turned into a pamphlet and becomes required reading for anyone looking to take the plunge.

Oh, and there should be a test on it, too.

Super sad note: I’m sure a lot of people would fail it.

Pretty awesome note: less divorces and more awesome couples to one day befriend so we do not die the curmudgeonly old hermit couple that never left their house.
The Wannabe Housewife recently posted..And Then…Vomiting

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:21 pm

In Texas, when you apply for your marriage license, you actually do get a packet on how to have a successful marriage. None of it is good advice. I shall write to the State of Texas immediately.

Becca September 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm

After 5 years of marriage, I suggest a lot of booze. On either party’s part. Just makes everything better.

Ok I kid, sort of….

The only rule I live by is my ability to fine tune my selective hearing.

So far, so good.

Next year might be a different story.
Becca recently posted..Euphemisms

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Sometimes I pretend not to hear Adrian.

Last week he told me he’s known that all along. I’m screwed.

Stephanie September 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm

In addition to the “no touching while sleeping” rule, I’m going to make it mandatory that my future husband (if some idiot is ever dumb enough to accept the role, that is) CANNOT be cheery in the mornings. Cheerfulness before I take my shower and drink a cup of coffee is absolutely unacceptable from anyone. Actually, any kind of conversation or social interaction is really not okay with me. Others escape my wrath because I can usually get away from them pretty quickly/avoid them all together, but if I have to put up with that shit from my husband every damn day, I’m going to be forced to murder him. And I’ll probably be a prime suspect, being his wife and all. That would just be a pain in the ass.
Stephanie recently posted..Screw you, Facebook. I don’t want a dragon child.

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm

There was some advice above to marry someone on the same sleep schedule/style as you, AND THAT IS SOUND FUCKING ADVICE.

Adrian and I are both night owls and people who LOVE to sleep in, and we’re both assholes in the morning.

And it makes my world a happy, happy place.

Mamy September 12, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I find that a husband who travels 75% of the time keeps the peace!
Mamy recently posted..Glossophobes Unite!

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Adrian and I don’t see a whole lot of each other during the day, and that is very, very good for us.

THK September 12, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Three words: FUCK. LIKE. RABBITS.

Seriously. Aside from the obvious benefits, you really can’t be grouchy if you spend most of your waking hours riding your spouse like it’s the end of the Korean War and they’re the last helicopter out. Even if you don’t get your jollies off, you’ll be too fucking tired to give a shit about whose turn it is to do the dishes
THK recently posted..Pappy’s House: Childhood Memories Come Alive

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I have missed you and your amazing comments.

thank you.

THK September 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

It’s good to be back in the snark of things. I figured I was dead to the (internets) world for far too long.

I’m back, bitches! :D
THK recently posted..Pappy’s House: Childhood Memories Come Alive

Front Desk Ninja September 12, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Oh my god.
Snorting tea out of your nose at work?
I got that shit covered, people. No worries here.

THK September 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Looks like my work here is done. *cue superhero theme*
THK recently posted..Pappy’s House: Childhood Memories Come Alive

Sadie Sez September 12, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Son-of-a-b*itch! If I’d known any of this shit, I wouldn’t be divorced twice….cause I never would have married either of those losers in the first place! Thanks for this, I’m printing it out and memorizing it for the next dude who thinks he wants to marry me. My bullshit fence is now about 1/2″ high.

YOU ROCK!
Sadie Sez recently posted..Ghetto Lexus

Noa September 12, 2011 at 9:28 pm

No Sadie, YOU ROCK. Here’s to your next marriage being filled with cheerios and awesome.

Front Desk Ninja September 12, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Noa,

You make my birthday infinitely better with the funny post and the equally funny comments. Much love.

The best advice I have ever received, when I was in round deux of being engaged, was from my gramma and she told me to find someone who could deal with my bitching. If I could sit down and tell someone why they were pissing me off, without them fretting or crying over it, then they were a keeper. (which is why fiance2 did not last).

I also think they should respect the feet rule. I HATE feet. If his feet ever touch me, he should be prepared to accept the fact my machete is coming out and cutting those cold fuckers off. Mine are allowed to touch him, his are NOT allowed to touch mine.

Completely fair, no?
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:23 am

Absolutely fair. I’ve threatened to murder Adrian and his balls if he cuts me with his raptor toes ever again.

Rachael September 12, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Though I’m not married, I feel compelled to share. I believe that most of the strength in my relationship stems from the fact that I have not successfully killed my boyfriend yet. Every once in a while, I accidentally try to smother him with a pillow (because *apparently* you can’t hug someone’s face with a pillow? but that’s what I’m trying to do?) and after the confusion and panic dies down and we both realize that he’s still alive and I haven’t killed him and I’m not *actually* trying to, despite the fact that it may seem to the untrained eye that I am, the relief brings us great joy and we can laugh heartily at my mistakes later.

I think the secret to a happy relationship is just that: Not successfully killing each other.
Rachael recently posted..Fixing Your Stupid Traffic Problems

Jaime September 14, 2011 at 10:08 am

I’m with Rachael on this one … if the fact that I haven’t thrown my bf in front of a bus when he pisses me off isn’t a testament to how much I love him, I don’t know what is.
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Stephanie September 13, 2011 at 7:58 am

I think the secret to staying married is cheating. :-P
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:25 am

I have heard that works quite well for some. I would murder Adrian, however.

a September 13, 2011 at 8:11 am

In my 20s, my marriage advice would have been “Work opposite shifts from your husband. You’ll have less time to argue.” And then I ended up working 6 feet away (or less) from my husband for about 8 or 9 years. In my 30s, my marriage advice was “pick someone whose company you can still stand after 8 hours in a row.” Which is how I ended up with my husband anyway. Now that I’m 42, all I can say is…it’s probably best to pick someone who doesn’t have an anxiety disorder. But my philosophy is still this: No one escapes this marriage alive. I don’t care how it happens, but someone’s going to have to die.
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:26 am

Your current philosophy on marriage sounds a lot like the apocalypse, and that makes me so happy.

tavie September 13, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I think if you and I were married…..we’d have the perfect marriage.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:27 am

Fuck yes we would.

alison September 13, 2011 at 6:33 pm

oh my gawd!!! i was laughing so hard i woke up my 4 month old. totally worth it!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:27 am

Naptime interrupted by awesome.

Ninja Mom September 13, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Wisdom by the shit ton. And just in time for my tenth anniversary next week. Vaseline!? Fuck that I got a barrel of crude in the back of the minivan because the tenth is the “I’m Bored and the Receptionist with the Fake Titties is Starting to Look Good so Bend Over Were Playing Oil Tycoon Tonight” anniversary.
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:28 am

I can’t wait to hear what 15 years is.

DevilsHeaven September 14, 2011 at 3:18 pm

OMG. Inside. My. Fucking. Marriage.
Sharing. Totally nailed it. Stay the fuck out of my ice cream, especially after you tell me you don’t like it.
*We are not connected at the hip. I do not have to go to the hardware store with you to buy plastic tubing for your hobby. Yes, I AM going to stay here and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. No, you may not comment about any of the people in it.
*If you are not watching the entire session, let alone the entire episode(of any TV show) you MAY NOT ASK me questions about who did what, why, where and how. Sit there and SHUT IT. This is why we have a TV in the basement. Go there and enjoy.
DevilsHeaven recently posted..She Survived

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:29 am

HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN THOSE TWO. Adrian does those every single day.

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