Once a Month, My Uterus Expels Confetti.

09/05/2011 · 230 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, Social Services

I’m getting to the age (just ask those fucking freshmen) that as a normal adult female, I should apparently be feeling an empty spot in my heart where crotchlings should be. I should be longing for baby booties and misty-eyed when I pass by playgrounds.

This hasn’t yet happened for me. In fact, I celebrate each month that passes by in which Adrian does not knock me up and ruin our lives. Confetti and mariachi music come flying out of my crotch, reminding me of how awesome it is to be kidless.

I don’t hate people who do have kids. I think it’s wonderful that they do, because we need to have new children in the world.

However, I am absolutely unprepared to have a child. I think, based on the reasons below, it’s actually a Class-D Felony for me to reproduce in 13 states.

  • I really enjoy sitting naked on my couch on Tuesdays, drunk, eating E.L.Fudge by the box-ful and watching Law and Order. The naked part is my way of being an involved viewer.
  • The words, “perineum,” “vaginaplasty,” “discharge,” and “tearing,” horrify me in ways that I never thought possible.
  • My cats must remind me to feed them, because I am absolutely incapable of doing so of my own volition.
  • It makes me uncomfortable when people tell about their life experiences (prom, schooling, learning to drive) as war stories, because then it terrifies everyone else who should ever hear that story. I’ve not ever heard a parent speak in a different tone about their children.
  • I don’t understand what goes into “baby-proofing,” a home, but assume that it might have something to do with bleach, a brillo pad, and a turkey baster.
  • My crotch becomes physically painful when I look at the website Shit My Kids Ruined. I really like all my nice shit.
  • If my child were to shout the phrase, “HELP I NEED AN ADULT,” I don’t know what my course of action should be. I was only ever taught to shout that and wait on assistance.
  • When my nieces tell me they have to potty, I am unclear what role they are asking me to play. Am I a spotter?
  • I have conversations with my cats. I’m not proud of it, but it happens.
  • Living with children seems a lot like living with a really poorly trained dog. I was recently informed that most parents do not, in fact, throw away items of clothing that have come into contact with poop. I could not live like that. My cats even shit where they are told.
  • I think people who say that, “life isn’t worth living if you don’t have children,” are just as much evangelists as crazy religious people, which makes parenthood a cult by association. And I frown on cults like I frown on typical cult hairstyles.
  • It’s generally looked-down-upon to teach children the following words: balls, twat, poonsocket, rocketpocket, and the phrase, “Fuck your mother,” in 5 languages.
  • I take school crossing zones as a speed challenge.
  • I frequently take up hobbies, abuse them for 4 weeks, and then forget about them. I’ve been told that you can’t take the same approach to child-rearing. Illegal, some say.
  • Children are the most judgmental bastards on the planet, and I don’t need someone else telling me I’m a disappointment.
  • I believe North Korea created Chuck E. Cheese as a form of total-warfare birth control.

Excuse me, I have to go punch myself in the vagina for 3 hours.

If you have kids, when/why did you think you were ready? What were you not prepared for? If you don’t have kids, do you think you ever will be? Why?

Favorite Comment from The Last Post:
From Heather Heartless: “Being the mental health case that I am, I went for my yearly assessment yesterday and got the guy to quote me saying “twatwaffle” in it. Check that goal off the list.”

 

vajine9 September 5, 2011 at 4:05 am

To be honest, I completely agree with you. I am getting to the point that my uterus will soon have cobwebs hanging around, while wondering why nothing has filled the void. However, I have issues on trying to raise the new “addition” to the family; our dog. I get so frustrated with the little bastard that I wonder how I would ever make it as a real parent. I love kids, a lot! But I often question my own ability to raise/teach a child the things it needs to know. Maybe I’m thinking about this to much, but it’s something that is brought into conversation from my father-in-law every time we talk. I think (from reading your awesome posts and relating to almost every single one of them) you will do just fine as a parent. If you ever decide, or if Adrian happens to pull a fast one on you, you will make a great parent. It’s often from our life experiences we find the best ways to teach others right from wrong. :) Thank you for the entertaining reading. As well as helping me to feel that after all, I wasn’t alone and others have made it through too!

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm

You’re absolutely not alone. I spent the day at the zoo with Adrian, further reinforcing why I’m not ready for kids at all. One day, perhaps, but right now, I’d be the worst mother ever.

Christine September 5, 2011 at 4:27 am

I don’t have children, but I love my nephews like they were my own, and I was even I live-in Auntie for a while. I’ve always adored children and thought I wanted a large family. And yet, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to realize… I kinda LIKE my life how it is. Staying up too late watching Doctor Who, doing laundry or eating when I feel like it, able to make plans a month in advance or at the last minute. I know life with children would come with its own rewards, but maybe I just got my independence too late in life to want to give it up.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:38 pm

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with looking at your life and thinking, “I have all I want right now,” and not to want kids. We’re taught culturally that we should be selfless and have children, but I think it’s very much NOT the selfish choice to know that you don’t want kids. Thanks for sharing your comment!

Crickett September 5, 2011 at 4:34 am

When I was a wee smidgen, I never played with my dollies like they were my “babies”. When I was growing up, playing house seemed like the most boring thing in the whole wide world to me. I did my share of babysitting, sure, but basically the sound of upset infants and pre-verbal toddlers is enough to make me develop a massive facial tic, where I look like I’m trying to bite my own ears.

Later on, I learned about the world and my family. Too much bullshit going on in these bloodlines (from hiatal hernia to clinical depression and a million other things) for me to want to saddle some kid with all of it. Also, too many kids get thrown out (sometimes literally in the trash) daily for me to indulge in my ego enough to think that I’m gonna crowd this bitch up a little bit more because MY KID WILL BE THE ONE TO RULE THEM ALL. Bullshit.

Never wanted kids. Never had kids. And in May of 2010, I went and got myself spayed. Maybe someday, if I’m in a stable home with a stable income and I never want to sleep again but think that being responsible for the shaping of a tender young mind sounds like a great idea, I’ll adopt. Somebody over the age of 4, please. Anyone younger than that, and I’m unlikely to get through the first week without wanting to pull out my own eyeball and eat it (which, for some reason, may be seen as a “traumatic event” to the child). So there ya go. No kids, and I made sure of it surgically. I’ve never been more sure or more happy about a decision in my life, and I would go through that surgery and the aftercare every freakin’ 6 months of my life if I had to in order to keep my childfree status.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I’m really really happy to read your comment, because Adrian and I often have the same thought–if we do have kids one day, we’re really considering just adopting a toddler, or maybe even older. Honestly, I can’t tell you how much better you just made me feel. Thank you.

Crickett September 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

You’re quite welcome. I’m pleased in turn to see that I’m not the only one that feels that way. Sure, Angelina Jolie & McDonna (over 50 billion served!) are busy adopting all the babies from other countries, but here in the U.S. people look at me like I’ve got eyes on stalks when I say that I’m totally fine with adopting a child that’s not an infant and doesn’t look like me. What, like I’m gonna walk around all not pregnant for ages and then come home with a tee-tiny baby and pretend that it’s from my own loins? No. The point is to assist in raising a viable member of society, not trying to kid the world into thinking that you spontaneously produced this infant. It’s yet another vanity thing that I don’t get.

In the end, people want what they want and unless it’s really against the law (I’m not allowed to have a Taser, for instance, because I would USE IT), it’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re selfish, or a freak, or anything like that just because you don’t wish to birth a child from your actual vagina. Don’t let them tell you you’ll “change your mind” (remember that Taser I mentioned?), that you’re “less of a woman”, or that “it’s why women exist and how they are fulfilled”. It’s all crap. Do what you’re willing to do, what you WANT to do, on your terms and when the time is right. If that means adopting a 6 year-old or a 12-year old or creating your very own Despicable Me re-enactment, do that. Cuz if you bow to societal pressure, all you’ll end up doing is being mad at yourself & Adrian, and resenting your kids.
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:36 am

I hate to follow such a long comment with a short phrase, but all I can think to say is, “Fuck yeah.”

Crickett September 6, 2011 at 12:15 pm

No worries. I’m long-winded. When you have the time, here’s a little rant I wrote on this general topic back in 2005: http://chowyunsmut.livejournal.com/145646.html
Crickett recently posted..If any show needed a drinking game…

Noa September 6, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I’ll check it out. Thanks!

a.nonymous obviously September 5, 2011 at 6:29 am

One kid. Failed birth control. Miserable experience that still raises the hair on the back of my neck. Now watching said kid raise kid. More cringing going on.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:42 pm

I appreciate your ballsy comment. Thank you for sharing!

Amy September 5, 2011 at 6:46 am

I’m the oldest of eight, and I NEVER wanted kids. 5 kids later, here I am. If you don’t want ‘em, don’t have ‘em, because despite what popular culture leads us to believe, it is not state law that every woman must want/birth children, and then form soccer clans. Kids are fun, though… and realistically, the only person who ever looks down on you because you teach your children to say, “fuck your mother,” is actually your mother, which makes it fun when they say it TO you IN FRONT OF her! Bonus!
Amy recently posted..I Wish I Could…

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

I’ve always appreciated my sister-in-law’s very honest opinion about having her own kids–“If I never would have had them, that would have been alright, but I also don’t regret it.” That being said, she was in her 30’s when she had her girls. I’ll follow her lead.

Jessica September 5, 2011 at 7:48 am

You are so, so, so, so, so, funny.

Seriously.

And kids are the worst STDs possible. Still, I’m going to have my own because they’re like psychological experiments. 3000 Awesome points to me if my kids turn out to be gay nihilists.

WHOOHOO.
Jessica recently posted..The fastest way to virtual sex.

Jen September 5, 2011 at 11:28 am

I think one of my boys is gay. Seriously, the kid loves “Project Runway”, makes a fucking kick-ass omelet and has a fabulous sense of rhythm. I’m wicked jazzed because now when I’m old he and his partner can move me into the guest house, take me out to see musical theater and make sure my lipstick is on straight. Gay men take care of their mommas, yo!
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:47 pm

@Jessica: You gots the balls, yo.

@Jen: I love your son. He sounds like the most fucking fun ever.

Smart Ass Sara September 5, 2011 at 9:11 am

I have two kids and had NO IDEA how hard my life would then become once I became a parent. Like, I knew it’d be a lot of work… but I didn’t realize that some days it feels like a prison sentence. Some days I want to be spontaneous and just go somewhere.. but I can’t. Because I can’t bring both kids or if I can they ruin the whole thing for me, and it’s not always easy to find a sitter, etc. So I am a huge supporter of those who know they don’t want kids. I think society pressures people into having kids because it’s just what you do and that’s not really OK. Some people shouldn’t have kids yet we pressure them into it. Look at how many kids are abused/neglected. You can’t tell me it’s not a widespread issue because now that my daughter is in public school in a nice neighborhood? I look around with these moms with Gucci purses and their kid is wearing ripped up clothing for picture day. There is a super good book called “Complete Without Kids” by Ellen Walker that you should check out. It talks about how/why people come to the conclusion they will be kid free and then what that means for them. Basically, society thinks you’re some kind of heartless freak. http://strandupdate.blogspot.com/2011/08/complete-without-kids.html
Smart Ass Sara recently posted..Red Right Return and GIVEAWAY!

Norway September 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

And then after said people have been pressured into having kids, the power mommies look down their noses at them and mutter loudly to each other that
“SOME people shouldn’t be allowed to have children…”

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:57 pm

@Sara: Thank you so much for your comment–you make me feel a lot better about my possible decision to be childless! Maybe I’m just not ready yet, but maybe I never will be. I appreciate when moms are honest about what their lives are like!

@Norway: That is a really excellent point I’ve never thought of. They’re doing it on purpose.

Meg September 5, 2011 at 9:21 am

I used to want kids, in my 20s but the older I get, the less I do, for most all of the reasons you listed, Noa. My biggest pet peeve about remaining childless, however, is the patronizing-as-fuck “You’ll change your mind!!” comments from mothers who should try to recall what it was like when they were covered in baby shit and spit up 75% of the time. I think they say it because they want everyone to have to suffer as they did.
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Katie September 5, 2011 at 3:32 pm

YES. Biggest pet peeve ever. I’m 28, married, and neither of us wants kids. Almost every time I tell someone this they say I will change my mind. Patronizing-as-fuck, indeed.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Punch them. Hard. In the uterus. Uteri? Uteruses…fuck.

Jen September 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Yeah there are definitely days when I’d change my mind, but I’m pretty sure you can’t have a late-term abortion when the kids are already in the 39th trimester.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Generally frowned upon. Just ask Nebraska!

Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:58 pm

@Meg: I’m the same way. I used to want them (when I first got married) but the older Adrian and I get, the less excited we become at the prospect of being parents. We may never be ready, we may never change our minds. AND IT’S FUCKING COOL.

Lab Rockstar September 5, 2011 at 10:26 am

Finally a female blogger who understands me. Thank you, Noa, you’re like the cool side of the pillow on a hot summer night.
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

That is the greatest compliment of all time.

Jen September 5, 2011 at 10:48 am

I thought I was ready at 26 but my rusty uterus had other thoughts so it took a team of medical professionals and my ex husband flogging his dolphin into a test tube to genetically engineer the twins I have now. I was prepared for the usual baby shit, literally and figuratively, but completely fucking unprepared for the amount of mind-numbing shit like Dora the Goddamn Explorer (I’m about to call INS on her ass) and that douchenozzle Caillou that I’d have to watch on a daily basis: http://portlandiamom.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-you-watch-that.html
Last year I told them Barney was killed in a knife fight. . .this year I’m offing the Wonderpets.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Also my dear SIL’s biggest complaint. She loves her girls, she loves to play with them, but if she has to listen to Kai-Lan anymore, she may bomb China.

Jessica September 8, 2011 at 10:11 am

Haha, I freaking HATE Caillou. My little sister came in while my son was watching it and asked “Why is the kid bald?” I quickly replied “Dear god, I hope it’s because he has cancer…” Does this make me a bad bad person?

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Seriously, why IS he bald?

What the fuck, Caillou. Why do you have a fucked up name and cranium?

Heather Heartless September 5, 2011 at 11:23 am

Owning a cat and having free access to my nephew has taught me many lessons in why I shouldn’t procreate.

1.) If it gets stuck in something, like a cabinet, or with its head in a banister, I’m going to be useless for a good 20 minutes while I laugh uncontrollably and tear through the house looking for my camera.

2.) If it falls down, I’m going to laugh. And then I’m going to repeat the story for years and have a similar reaction each time.

3.) DVR has taught me that priceless moments are when you freeze the TV and leave someone paused with a very unflattering expression on their face. Group family shots? Lovely poses on fucking railroad ties? Baby in a bucket in a wheat field? No, no, and no. One eye half closed, the other wide open, nose scrunched, and mouth agape? Yes. That shit is getting framed and put above the mantle.

4.) If I feel that you are learning things faster than you should, like standing up on your own or walking, I’m going to knock you over until you learn better.

5.) I will feed you disgusting things just to watch the faces that you make.

6.) I don’t care if you don’t want to be touched, I will pick you up and hold you to me while you fight to get away.

Shit, this is actually kind of making me want to have a baby just for the entertainment value.

And then I go to work. And hear kids screaming. And trip over them when they run around me. And then I remember why I don’t have any.
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:03 pm

I would love to have kids just for the entertaining shit that they do, because sometimes, kids are fucking hilarious and awesome. However, the other 99% of the time, they’re horrible.

Your kids might be the most awesome of all, though.

Mitzy September 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I can’t resist commenting on your #1, because that exact thing happened to my husband. When he was maybe four years old, he got his finger stuck in a round piece of hardware that was bolted to the wall. My in-laws (whom I adore) first laughed at him. Then they tried to get his finger out. Failed. Called the fire department. While waiting for the fire department, took pictures and laughed some more. Fire department arrives, laughs at him, uses bolt cutters to free his hand. 25 years later, they still break out those pictures and laugh at them. My husband is really none the worse for it, and his family’s ability to laugh at each other has taught me some very good lessons about not taking myself so damned seriously. Husband also once fell and knocked out his front teeth on the coffee table. The story still gets told often, and the debate is STILL raging over whether or not his older brother pushed him. So there’s #2 for you. Pretty sure I can come up with examples for the others from either his family or mine if I thought about it, and we are all pretty well adjusted adults now. I definitely think there are lots of reasons to choose not to have kids, but if you ever did have them, some of your bad reasons might turn out to be good ones. :)

Then again, my mother-in-law has also advised us repeatedly to have two children (she has four boys). “You might think you want more, but you should have TWO KIDS. Trust me.”

Becca September 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

I have kids, two. Both were not exactly planned. I love them to death, and I find that for the most past they actually enrich my life. However they are ruiners of everything you hold sacred. You will never sleep again. You will worry about everything you could possibly worry about for the rest of your life. You will simultaneously live and gate them (much like the way I feel about my husband), you will want to strangle them and blow your brains out as well. Why does nobody tell you, “hey don’t fucking have kids. Your life will be over ad you know it.” That’s sound advice right there. Still if you can bear the torture and anguish you will find no greater reciprocation of love, deeper feeling of joy, or contentment. It is an awesome responsibility. Here’s another small nugget of advice… You’re never ready to have kids, ever. You learn as you go and suprisingly kids are incredibly resilient and forgiving. Just might be the best thing I ever accidentally did.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Thank you for your very honest advice on this. I love hearing this from moms. “No, I didn’t plan them, and no I wasn’t ready. Sometimes, it really blows, but the rest of the time I fucking love it.” That gives me hope.

Margaret Goerig September 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Maybe I’ll want kids one day but at the moment, the thought of them makes me cross my legs. Partyland-type places depress me, because all I can think is that inside them are aisles and aisles of ROY G BIV-colored streamers and balloons, and that they are probably all covered in dust but that some poor parent is going to have to go in there and buy great armfuls of all that crap, plus matching paper plates. And plastic spoons. And I’m sure there’s something diabolically twisted about that view but whatever. At least I’m not reproducing.
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Jen September 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

True ‘dat. My experiences at Chuck-E-Cheese and Safari Sam’s have become my own personal Vietnam.
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Also? Jumpin’ Jive. Fuck that.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I fucking LOVE party places. Not sarcastic at all–if I could buy party things for the rest of my life I would. I’ll sometimes decorate dinner just because I can.

But, it still doesn’t make me want kids.

Mrs. B. September 5, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Never wanted kids, never had kids, and at this point, since I’m done with the monthly visit from the rag fairy, I never will. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I made it through unscathed!

Truly, I don’t know what hideous, traumatic thing happened to me or how I missed out on the kid-loving hormones, but I’ve never regretted not wanting or having babies. Besides, I’ve still got a fairly short fuse but am wayyyyyy mellow now compared to what I was like back when I would have been of an age to have kids. I hope all my unused eggs realize just how lucky they are.
Mrs. B. recently posted..Juanita Jean says, without swearing even once, what I would say if I was doing politics right now and still liked Barry even a little bit.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I sometimes wonder what happened to me that I’m one of the only girls I seem to know who’s like, “No, fuck kids, for real.” And then I remember–I used to teach kids.

Kids are dicks.

Tazer WP September 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I’ve expounded on this subject so many times. A few good reasons I should never spawn?

1. Kids Movies: Oh hell to the fucking no. NO. NO. NO. Sitting in a theater with 100 munchkins is a recipe for insanity for me. I’d never love my theoretical kids enough to take them to the theater to see My Little Pony, no fucking way. I’m waiting until that shit comes out on DVD, locking them in the basement with the movie, and going out back and getting raging drunk.

2. Screaming Kids: Fuck that. A crying infant/toddler/kid does not incite the need to comfort it in me, in fact, entirely the opposite. Screaming children make my blood boil and put me into a homicidal rage. I just want to throttle them until they stop crying. My kids wouldn’t be getting any mommy lovin’, nope, those fuckers (well maybe not the baby babies…but older) would be put in the sound-proofed basement until they figured out that crying don’t warrant Mommy Dearest’s attention, it gets your ass locked up until you stop.

3. Toys: I really cannot stand girl’s toys. They’re so bad for self esteem, self image, etc. and plain old fucking annoying. Barbies? Nuh uh, not gonna happen. Glittery pink everything sparkly unicorn I think my fucking head is going to pop off. Girls toys suuuuuuuck. My spawn would get Tonka trucks and Legos, regardless of their sex, and you bet your ass they’d be sad and get made fun of. Too bad, Sprouts, Mommy gets a headache looking at a roomful of pink. Suck it up, fuckers.
Tazer WP recently posted..Open letters about more shit

Jen September 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Boy toys are every bit as bad. That fucking Pokemon is boy crack and my two have atken a huge snootful.

“Mommy, can we spend $30 on shitty paper cards with jacked-up looking Japanese anime characters that I am going to wind up trading with my friends anyway?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? That’s mommy’s wine money, Babe.”

I swear to God, Pokemon is all part of Japan’s evil plan to take over the youth of the United States. . .I think they’re still pissed about the whole WWII debacle.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 8:39 am

I have a kid and I agree with all of these. Movies? No. Definitely not. That’s a goddamn recipe for disaster. And when my daughter (who is one and a half, for the record) starts crying? I tell her “nobody likes a crybaby”, because I’m maternal and shit. And all the kid toys fucking suck. They all make too much noise, to start. And my daughter has this thing that pops balls out of it and she just fucking crams EVERYTHING into that ball popper, then screams and whines when she gets shit stuck and I have to go over there and dump it all out. My husband keeps saying he’s gonna throw it away because we both hate it so much.
Jaclyn recently posted..Note to Self: Don’t be a Cunt

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:40 am

@Tazer: My sister in law has raged against girl toys for some time now. How did her girls repay her? Loving pink more than anything ever.

@Jen: Out of that whole comment, my favorite part is where you call WWII a debacle.

@Jaclyn: I hope when she grows up, you keep up the trend. “Nobody likes a snitch, babydoll.”

Jen September 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm

ME: Nobody likes a tattletale. What did Mommy tell you?
MY KIDS: The snitch is the first one to get shanked in the prison yard.
ME: Good boys.
Jen recently posted..Bow-Wow-Wow-Yippee-Oh-Yippee-Ay

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm

You are AWESOME. When Caitlyn gets a little older, I’m sending her your way for lessons in badassery.
Jaclyn recently posted..Note to Self: Don’t be a Cunt

Jen September 7, 2011 at 4:46 am

I S-O fucking <3 you, Jacylyn.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I love seeing witty people connect over fucked-up things. It warms my heart.

Annie P. September 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I don’t have children, but for the longest time I felt that it’s what I was here in this world to do. The older I get, the closer I get to “that would be a fluke” stage of getting pregnant, and I am both resigning to acceptance and to sadness. I would honestly sooner adopt at this point than have my own children, because biology just may say “no.” My Mom was adopted, and had my Grandma never adopted her – I’d have never known my Grandma. As weird and as sappy and emotional as that is, it’s what drives me. Then, I go back and I realize – I have been single almost 9 months after an almost 6 year long relationship. I discovered I liked to dance, and I live in Las Vegas – the last place I want to raise a child, having them yes, raising them no. So, while I’m here, I’m going to enjoy it. Once you have kids, there’s no turning back – in my book.
Annie P. recently posted..I Want to Sparkle

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

My mother in law was adopted, too!

Annie, if you feel in your very soul that you were meant to be a mother, then that’s what you are meant for! Maybe not yet–circumstances and time will sometimes pull things away from us, but not forever. I’m glad you’re enjoying your life so much right now. One day, you’re going to make a great mom.

Katie Byrd September 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/minor_differences4

Scroll down to the third one… Just sayin’.

You’re welcome.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I’m going to mount that over my non-fireplace.

Angie September 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I wasn’t ready when I had my daughter. I was a little more ready three years later when I had my son. Just a little. I’m going to be super honest for a moment (this is different from the times when I am super lying where I wear a cape and make up huge stories about how I am a great parents)… My kids are practically all grown up and I am still not sure I’m all the way ready. I adore my kids, but I can admit there are times when I wanted to sell them.

People are wrong when they tell you that life isn’t worth living if you don’t have kids…. dead fucking wrong, okay? Not everyone needs or wants to have children and those people who deem themselves worthy of being your life coach and spew that bullshit should be punched in the vagina/ball sac.
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Thank you, Angie. It’s so good to hear that sometimes, you’re just not fucking ready, and you may never be. But, you do what you have to do should the time come upon you, and you’re fucking rad for it.

Jen September 6, 2011 at 12:06 am

I am totally with you, Ang. I was 100% prepared to be a mom of special-needs twins. . .until I got divorced. Once I became a single mom I went from being the best little Martha Stewart -oh-my-God-isn’t-she-perfect-with-her-immaculate-home-and-size-2-figure mom to being a snarky, lazy, 5-second?-fuck-that-5-MINUTE-rule Pb&J for dinner 3 nights a week mom. And you know what? My boys and I have never been happier. Do my kids make me bat shit crazy on a regular basis? Yes. Do I EVER regret having them? Nope. Point is, you’re never ready for any of the curveballs life throws you, but one thing is for certain: your children teach you how strong you are, and when the shit goes down, they are the only ones standing there holding your hands at the bitter end.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:41 am

Awwwwwww. Lookit how badass the two of you are.

Jen September 6, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Pfft! I know, right?
Jen recently posted..Bow-Wow-Wow-Yippee-Oh-Yippee-Ay

Kate September 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I just gave birth 5 days ago, and I gotta say, its as horrible as they say, and a bit worse. I poo’ed myself in front of total strangers, had to have my vagina cut open, and now have stitches in places I wish I didn’t know about. The flip side is that luckily I had a baby that is so ridiculously cute that I don’t really think about it much until I sit down too fast. Going through something like that removes all sense of modesty, and you will be willing and able to whip out a boob in public…….which I did the other day, and totally shocked several people before I realized what had happened. Birth happens.
Kate
idreamloudly.com
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Thank you for both your disturbingly honest and yet overwhelmingly hilarious comment, and for outlining all the reasons I’ll fawn over other people’s babies without ever wanting my own.

Angie September 5, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I wasn’t ready when I had my daughter. I was a little more ready three years later when I had my son. Just a little. I’m going to be super honest for a moment (this is different from the times when I am super lying where I wear a cape and make up huge stories about how I am a great parent)… My kids are practically all grown up and I am still not sure I’m all the way ready. I adore my kids, but I can admit there are times when I wanted to sell them.

People are wrong when they tell you that life isn’t worth living if you don’t have kids…. dead fucking wrong, okay? Not everyone needs or wants to have children and those people who deem themselves worthy of being your life coach and spew that bullshit should be punched in the vagina/ball sac.
Angie recently posted..Circle Back- Where I become famous in my own mind

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Thank you, Angie. It feels good to know that many people don’t ever feel ready, but should it ever happen, you just get it done. Thank you!

Andi September 5, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I WANTED kids, very badly, and that didn’t stop me from spending the first few years with Oldest and Middlest, waiting for a real adult to show up and tell me what to do. It was horrifying when I realized that adult was……me.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think everybody should have kids or even that kids are the greatest thing since sliced bread. However, here are some reasons I’m glad I had mine:

1) Total excuse to go play at jumping gyms and crawl through crazy shit.

2) Kids, like cats, come with built in alarms. Hard to forget them.

3) Christmas cookie decorating parties, 4th of July fireworks, birthday cake, putting up the Christmas tree.

4) Shopping for kids = infinitely more fun than shopping for yourself.

5) Legit excuse to drink in the evenings. “You drove me to it. See these gray hairs? YOUR FAULT.”

6) Eventually they grow up and become a lot more amusing.

I did put away my expensive stuff and gated my house until it was like Fort Knox. We still had a few close calls, but none involving the kind of damage you see on Shit My Kids Ruined. I think some of those people are just too dumb to have kids. Also? Dogs will ruin your stuff even more effectively than children and training them not to takes about the same amount of time. I’d rather change a diaper than scoop poop. I’d rather deal with a crying baby than a barking dog. Usually, they need food, or a diaper change or medicine — easy peasy. Even if it’s colic, you have some options. A dog that won’t shut up? Nothing you can do except muzzle them.

Ok, so I was slightly traumatized by my family’s untrainable dogs as a kid. I guess my point is — if all else fails, your kid will eventually be too old to keep ruining your shoes. Your Lab on the other hand, may be ruining them for 15 years. It’s a trade off.

The worst things about having kids: paperwork, puking and (other kids’) parents.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Oh God thank you for writing this–again, I LOVE to see parents being honest about what it’s really like, and that sometimes, I’m wrong and kids are awesome.

PS: Considering all the things you love about being a parent, your kids must be kickass.

Andi September 6, 2011 at 11:15 am

Some days they’re kickass and some days I have to kick their asses. It all evens out.
Andi recently posted..This is What Failure Looks Like

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:45 am

Goddamn you’re awesome.

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 8:50 am

“waiting for a real adult to show up and tell me what to do”… YES!!!

I had a c-section and while they were stitching me up they brought my husband and baby to the recovery area to wait. He later said to me “they just handed her to me and WALKED AWAY!!!”. He couldn’t BELIEVE they just expected him to care for her like he was her father or some shit.
Jaclyn recently posted..Note to Self: Don’t be a Cunt

Andi September 6, 2011 at 11:19 am

Ha, I spent the whole time in the hospital with Oldest feeling like I was playing with a doll. They sleep so much the first couple of weeks, I felt like I was pretending to have a baby. Then they wake up…..
Andi recently posted..This is What Failure Looks Like

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

That has to be the weirdest feeling ever. “Here you go. This depends on you for life. Don’t fuck it up!”

I might run away.

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 12:29 pm

It really is. It was like that for me with breastfeeding. They just handed me a kid and were like “yeah good luck with that”. After I flopped her back and forth between my boobs for a minute she started to cry and some cunty nurse who didn’t bother to offer any sort of support to that point TOOK MY CHILD AND SAID “you shouldn’t be so rough with her- I can make her stop crying”. Then she rocked my baby who I had only had like 5 minutes with up to that point. Then she almost yanked out my catheter, but that’s a whole other story. I wanted to shank that bitch so hard.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Frankly, I’m impressed you didn’t.

Ms Plaid Dressy Pants September 5, 2011 at 2:30 pm

2 children. Both accidents. Its rough, I’m not going to lie. I was pretty sure I didnt even want kids before I had them. I seriously seriously SERIOUSLY contemplated putting both up for adoption after I had my second. I couldnt seem to make it work with their father, I was unprepared, I was selfish. I wanted ME time. I wanted to be spontanious. I wanted to be free. Those urges got less and less frequent as time went on. Finally, a year ago, I decided to divorce their father. In the dark of the night, during the divorce proceedings, he fled and took the girls with him. Left the state, and had no communication with him for weeks. I. Was. Devastated. It wasnt until that moment I realized how much those little lives meant to me.

Its all worked itself out since then. Are they annoying? Yes. Do they ask a million and a half questions in 30 seconds flat? Yup. Is it ever quiet in my house anymore? Only when they’re sleeping. Can I take a shower or pee in peace? Absolutly not. Will my body ever be the same? Not no, but HELL no. Try as I might, I have not been able to get back to pre baby body weight. (Im DEFINITLY not fat, but holy moly, I have some hips now). And they are SOoOoOoOo expensive, my GOD. But this is the life I chose. I cry when they get hurt, I’m so proud when they learn something new. I have never loved someone as much as I love them, even their father.

If I could go back and change things, would I? Anyone who says they wouldn’t, is lying. I would have waited until I was older and more prepared. I think I may have only had one. I may have had none and lived vicariously through my friends. But since I cant go back and change anything, I will continue to raise them to the best of my ability and try to not permanently fuck them up.

I tell people all the time that I still hate kids. Someone once looked at me and said, “Well, its a bit late for that kind of thinking, isn’t it? ” I said, “Oh, ha! No. No, I love my kids. I hate everyone else’s kids.” True story.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:53 pm

This was really honest, and couldn’t have been easy to write, but thank you so much for doing so. First off, I’m sorry about the problems with their father–I can’t imagine having to go through what you did. Secondly, thanks for being honest about how tough it could be. I’m very much an introvert and want to be alone a lot (Adrian and I do a lot of being in the same room, but totally silent, which works so well for us), and I’m just not ready to give that up, and maybe never will be. You make me feel better about that decision.

Ms Plaid Dressy Pants September 6, 2011 at 9:28 am

“Alone” and “Quiet” are two VERY foriegn words to me! Although, I dont take the few alone and quiet times I have for granted anymore. Parenting is definitly something you need to be ready for, and if you aren’t now, or never will be, that is totally ok!

PS: My uterus has a party once a month, too. Its grateful I dont use it as a clown car like the other women do, for example, Michelle Duggar. Holy god. I dont know how she physically carries her children for 9 full months anymore. Its GOT to be like a warehouse up there.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:47 am

Do you think she even carries a diaper bag anymore, or is it all just jammed up in there?

Norway September 5, 2011 at 3:00 pm

As someone who still technically a little bit qualifies as a kid (I’m still a minor, living under my parents’ roof, eating their food and sassing them to the best of my ability), I’ll say it’s probably not worth it. Not that I’m not totally awesome, cos I am. I was the coolest little kid ever. But my siblings and I can be brats. When my mum turned 50, my brother gave her a gray hair for her birthday. (A little gray stuffed rabbit (hare). But we all knew what it was.)

Now I babysit. And I love the kids I babysit for. The older one has a British accent (British parents!) and the younger two are THE most adorable children I have ever laid eyes on. But they are EXHAUSTING. When I come home I am either soaking wet or covered in dirt (or both!), and just flop down on the floor of my kitchen with no intention of ever standing up again. My mum likes to ask “Does this make you appreciate better what I went through raising you three?”

Not really. Remind me why you had kids again, Mum?

Norway September 5, 2011 at 3:02 pm

When I grow up, I’m just going to borrow other people’s kids.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Not to go all big-sister on you here, Norway, but please let this post and these comments and your own experiences help you make wise decisions about boys and life. I don’t understand why sex-ed doesn’t often include how much it can suck to parent, but there are so many women who will tell you to wait. Please take this to heart.

Norway September 6, 2011 at 5:52 pm

First off, I would freaking LOVE to have you as a big sister. That would be Kick. Ass.

And don’t worry. At this point in time, there is no way on earth I’m getting pregnant early.
Unless I happen to be the next virgin Mary. That would SUCK.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Then stay away from Donkeys, too.

Norway September 6, 2011 at 9:11 pm

So MY thought is, there’s no way Mary stayed a virgin forever, no? I mean, she was married and all. So why is she eternally known as the virgin Mary? Slightly random (and granted, I’m not Catholic. I have no clue how a “hail Mary” works), but it confuses me.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It’s kind of like your football nickname. At 78, you’re no longer THE HAMMER, but that’s how people remember you.

Noa: religion and football are pretty much the same thing to her.

Jaye September 11, 2011 at 9:35 am

Oo, ooo! I can answer that one!!! The miraculous stretching hymen! As advertised on TV!

Seriously, I don’t think she stayed a virgin after birthing the babe either, and I don’t think anyone at the time would have ever have made that claim. In reality it doesn’t actually matter, does it?

As for the Catholic image of her as Ever Virgin, I think the point is that she conceived Jesus by God’s intervention, and that conferred eternal virginity on her whether she had normal relations with Joseph or not. God can do that if God wants. God has the Owner’s Manual and Administrator Privileges. God can even choose a Restore point we don’t like (flood, fire, apocalypse – etc.).

The Rosary (5 rounds of 10-Hail Mary’s, plus other assorted prayers) is a kind of directed meditation. Catholics believe in communicating with the dead (but only through approved channels). That’s the Communion of Saints – it’s a fascinating subject in itself.

Norway September 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Eternal virginity… Is that a blessing or a curse?

Jen September 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

And for the record, don’t believe the people who say: “If you’re thinking of having kids, get a dog first…it’s JUST like having a baby!” Those people deserve a roundhouse kick to the cervix. Having a dog is fucking NOTHING like having a kid. The day I can leave my kid at home alone with the window cracked and a bowl of water on the floor or swat his ass with a newspaper when he pisses me off is the day I’ll believe that steaming crock of shit.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I’m choking on my water reading this comment. That is fucking awesome. There’s a great comedian, Megan Mooney, who has a part of her act dedicated to being the childless friend in which her friends are horrified when she suggests a night out.

“But, but I have a baby now.”
“Well, kennel that bitch, and let’s go. Throw some food on the floor, he’ll be fine.”

If only it were that easy.

Metta (the letter m) September 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

My cat has proved to my that I can’t do kids. I really like them, but I hear it’s illegal to hold them up against the wall and shake them, screaming ‘WHY WONT YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!’. It’s bad enough when my cat drives me to violence because I’m not giving her enough attention, but a kid? I like to sleep too much.

And Noa, I find it more comforting to punch other crotches. Why should your crotch suffer twice when you can share the pain…
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..Woo hoo, I slept in. Yes, that’s how exciting my life is.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Why do I punch my own? Every time I think it’d be awesome to have a baby, I punch myself. Then I remember birth is worse. Then I drink for 6 hours.

Metta (the letter m) September 6, 2011 at 8:27 am

I saw a video (well, OK, about 2 minutes of a video) about childbirth … from the below the vagina viewpoint. That got me over every single one of my ‘maybe a baby wouldnt totally ruin our lives’ thoughts. So much blood, and other stuff…
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..An open letter to anyone considering selling off public utilities

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:48 am

I was eating a roast beef sandwich when I was reading this comment.

Operative word: was.

Jen September 6, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I know. It’s kind of ironic; you spend the first two years teaching them to walk and talk and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut the fuck up.
Jen recently posted..Bow-Wow-Wow-Yippee-Oh-Yippee-Ay

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Why has the human race continued to exist based on shit like that?

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Um, OF COURSE you can’t have kids right now. We haven’t gone to Vegas together yet, ho. I hear it’s a lot less fun when you bring a preggo chick to Vegas. Not that that would stop me from kidnapping you and making you come and party and shit.

I was certainly not ready to have my daughter. But, you know, it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I think she saved me from myself.
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Annie P. - Get the Frump Out of Your Rump September 5, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Uhm, you could have very easily said this to me too. But, I do agree what you said, I think that for some people, children make them who they are supposed to be – even if they didn’t know that was going to happen.
Annie P. – Get the Frump Out of Your Rump recently posted..I Want to Sparkle

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:00 am

Liz hit the jackpot in the kid department. Cal is both adorable and smart.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:59 pm

SEE. You just keep giving me good reasons not to have kids. Partying with you in Vegas is on my pre-kid list. So is riding a Pterodactyl, though.

Also, your kid is awesome, and that was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. It makes me want to shake Cal.

barefootorbust September 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I am a firm believer in letting a person or couple decide for themselves whether or not they should have kids. Society should have nothing to say about it. Ever. Well, apart from stepping in with say child molesters or serial killers. They shouldn’t have kids. :P But my point is if a person knows they wouldn’t be a good parent or understands that thier situation isn’t conducive to taking care of kids, they should feel free to take a pass.

I have always wanted to have kids. I for some reason am very good with them. I can get just about any screaming baby to calm down, no matter what the reason is. I love to watch their development from blob of goo to logical thinker. It fascinates the hell out of me. And although watching an adult puke makes me go puke myself, I can wear baby puke or hold a child’s hair back then let them cuddle me with their barf breath no problem. It still hasn’t happened for me yet. Mainly because I know how much work kids are and I do not want to do it alone. I feel I owe it to future kids to be in a stable relationship. I should be able to care for them physically, financially and emotionally. At 36, I am beginning to think it will never happen. Which is ok too. I would rather have no kids than have kids that end up starving or neglected.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:01 am

I’m always fascinated by people who really wanted to have kids, because I never have had those thoughts. But it makes me sad when people who really want to have kids and would be amazing parents sometimes have the opportunity taken away. I hope you do have kids one day–you’ll be awesome.

Dead Cow Girl September 5, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I wasn’t ready until I was 40 and had Monkey. And even so, my first thought when they told me he’d be out with one more push?

I’M TOTALLY NOT READY FOR THIS!?

As it turns out, I was.

Sorta.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:03 am

I love that you thought that while delivering him. That gives me hope that one day, if I am ready (which, I may very well be 40 when that happens), I still may not feel like it.

thehaughtylibrarian September 5, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I think I could be a mother, minus the part where I get pregnant and squeeze a large item out of my vajayjay. That part doesn’t seem like fun. I also don’t do well with vomit or poop. You know how I fixed this? I’m dating a guy who has full custody of his three-year-old daughter. Check, check and check. All the hard stuff’s done.

Next time I’m selling myself at a job interview, I’m going to give this as my example of how I am an awesome problem-solver.
thehaughtylibrarian recently posted..Are the cops chasing you?

Alana September 5, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Squeezing it out is the easy part. It’s the next 18 years that’s the kicker.
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:03 am

Well, fuck.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:03 am

I think that’s a kickass thing to put on your resume. The shitty part’s done!

Front Desk Ninja September 6, 2011 at 12:24 am
Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

Drum riff!

kim September 5, 2011 at 9:18 pm

There’s no way to be prepared, but you think you are, and all you planning and purchasing and all the books you read have nothing to do with what you’re getting yourself into. I’ve been a mother for nine years and still don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I get more and more okay with that.
http://kimmaddox.com/2011/06/15/over-the-edge/
kim recently posted..the antidote

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:05 am

That almost sounds like you’re describing grief (and I swear I don’t mean to offend you by saying that.) Or really, almost any life experience. You can never be fully prepared to be married, or to have kids, or to lose people, or anything. You just…figure it out.

kim September 6, 2011 at 9:05 am

I think you’re on to something….We’re raised/conditioned to think it will be two parents working together to create a home. It’s everywhere – books, tv, Disneyland – but it hasn’t been my experience. Divorcing my kids’ father and raising three kids by myself has been a little disorienting. Maybe it’s grief that I’m stumbling through. Life is good, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t plan on being a single mom in the suburbs of Salt Lake City.

No offense at all. In fact, thank you for the insight and shining a little light.
kim recently posted..the antidote

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

Either way, you’re doing a hell of a job.

Jackie September 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I do not have kids (was 2 years younger than you when we started trying though). And…um…if it’s a class D felony for you to breed, then I’m going to either turn myself in or start running the second these damn fertility treatments work…I was nodding at pretty much all of your points.
Yep, I’m gonna be a great mom someday.
By the way, when my future spawn finally arrive, I’m stealing the word “crotchlings”… it will be the perfect cutesy nickname to distract the suburban mom types while my kid carves cuss words and dirty pictures into the expensive private preschool fence.
Moments like that are why I refuse to live childfree ;)

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:06 am

That’s a really awesome way to look at this–you don’t want to miss out on moments like that. Damn. Add that to my mother-in-law’s arguments for why we do need kids.

nadine September 5, 2011 at 10:35 pm

The other day I was hanging out with Jaclyn and her daughter who is 16 months old. Then in the car her kid starts screaming and crying and being generally unpleasant. I can’t deal with it. I asked her really candidly “how do you put up with this? I couldn’t do it.” And parents will ALWAYS have an excuse or reason why their kid is acting shitty or say that it doesn’t happen that often, but the bottom line… later that evening I told my boyfriend “I don’t know if I could do it… have kids….” I am honestly fearful I don’t have the patience for it. Not in the “I need more me time” bullshit, but “I will drown you in the tub and go to jail for peace and quiet” kind of way.

My boyfriend assured me that it will be different when the time comes and I’ll acquire the patience and he most definitely doesn’t think I’m a drown-em-in-the-tub mom, but for now, I’ll keep my womb barren. The only time I want kids is when I’m bored, so that’s not a good sign.
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:08 am

Nadine, let’s be real here. It’s going to be totally okay if you’re never ready. I fear the same things–I may be a really terrible mother because I have a tendency to be really withdrawn sometimes, and I can’t even handle noise from my husband, much less a child. And if that day never comes, you’re not a bad person, and you didn’t make a bad decision, and you will have missed out on nothing, because whatever choice you make will be the right one for you.

nadine September 6, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Yeah, it’s the noise thing with me too. I hate noise. I don’t like when my boyfriend snores, I don’t like hearing my neighbors make noise, people’s stereos, loud cars, kids playing outside, lawn mowers…. everything needs to shut the fuck up always.
nadine recently posted..I’m So Ready for Vogue You Guys.

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 9:03 am

Nadine, you KNOW it doesn’t happen that often! Caitlyn is fucking awesome.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:50 am

I think it might be even more disorienting if she’s chill most of the time. Then your childless friends are all, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.”

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 12:30 pm

exactly… like, wtf I thought this kid was cool. Don’t fucking come to my house ever again.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:01 pm

As a childless friend among so many friends with kids, I can honestly say that there’s no hate there, only deep pity. You guys have to deal with that shit all the time–we go home and drink.

nadine September 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm

exactly, Noa. I like Caitlyn, I love her, but ….. that shit isn’t nice. I really just want to yell at crying babies “SHUT THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST JUST BE QUIET.”
nadine recently posted..I’m So Ready for Vogue You Guys.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Fun Fact: Doesn’t work. I’ve tried.

Rachael September 5, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I feel obligated to have kids someday because about 97% of the non-dipshit people I know plan to never have kids, and SOMEONE needs to make sure there are some non-dipshit kids to grow up to not be dipshits. Honestly, I’m just worried about the future.

However. Today is not that day. My IUD says we’ll talk again in 2015 or so.
Rachael recently posted..Lemonade

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:09 am

HERE HERE, MOTHERFUCKER.

I applaud the shit out of you for that.

Bill G. August 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm

If you ever get the urge, head on down to ANY Utah County restaurant. There you will see an establishment completely overrun with running screaming kids and parents that look like they haven’t slept in 4 days staring down at the table trying to ignore them. Afterward, you’ll need an Advil the size of a softball for your headache but it will be worth your time.

Alana September 5, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I think you should just borrow a couple of kids if you start feeling the need to reproduce. In fact, if each of you who don’t have kids of your own borrowed mine for say…two weeks each, I might be able to get decent furniture and then have funky, crazy sex on said furniture on a Thursday afternoon. If you’d take my pets too, I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Reproducing is highly overrated. Yes, I have amazing, funny, intelligent kids, but they are so much more awesome when they are at someone elses house!

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:10 am

I love my nieces and all my friends’ kids, but I also know that I see them only a few times a year. I don’t have to do the day-in-day-out whining and crying and bitching and peeing and I don’t think I’m missing a goddamn thing. Thank you for your comment!

Stephanie September 6, 2011 at 12:32 am

I have to admit that my ovaries get a little ache in them sometimes when I see a cute baby or even just a cute kitten. Most times, that ache is quickly banished when the child starts screeching or the kitten pisses on the carpet. But just in case those horrific noises/smells/sights, etc. aren’t always effective birth control, my roommate and I have created a list of reasons to never get pregnant. The bullet-point list hangs proudly on our kitchen wall, so we’ll ALWAYS remember.

1. Results in a baby.
2. Stretch marks.
3. Swollen feet/ankles.
4. As we were told by one of our high school teachers many years ago, “Things tear down there.”
5. No alcohol/coffee/sushi for NINE WHOLE MONTHS.
6. Saggy tits.
7. Overpopulation.
8. A child’s voice ringing in your ears, 24/7.
Stephanie recently posted..Love Letters from a Friend

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:54 am

When I was first told about tearing, I thought they were joking, because how horrible is that?

My stitches itched inside my mouth when I got my wisdom teeth out. But my hoohah? OUCH GODDAMN IT.

Front Desk Ninja September 6, 2011 at 12:32 am

I have wanted offspring my entire life. Grew up around kids, all my friends have kids, I’m pretty much the best aunt from another mother my nieces and nephew have. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

My body? Has kind of already decided that shit isn’t happening. Hard thing to swallow, but I figure once I find some man to handle my batshit crazy moments, he’ll either come equipped with offspring I can love like they came from my own vag, or we’ll look at stealing (adopting, maybe) some cute kids.

I know people who don’t want kids, or who have 4 kids by the time they’re 24. Whatever works, it’s their life. I will say being an only child is the worst thing to ever put a kid through, though. If you have one, you should sign up for two at the least, so when your shit gets tough, they have each other to lean on. Being an only child means I can’t blame shit on anyone else, and when my mom and dad kick that shiny bucket, I’m utterly alone with the 30 dogs and 19 cats I’ll have.
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:54 am

I’m not gonna lie, my life would be a lot less fun without my sister.

Hoody Hoo September 6, 2011 at 6:19 am

I’m fairly sure if it’s not already illegal for me to procreate, it probably should be. And any time I get that stupid, hormone-filled urge to go “Awwwww” over the childrens’ clothes department, Chuckweasel takes me back to the fish tanks, where some horrible crotchfruit is guaranteed to be throwing one heller of a fit about which fish it wants. Yes, Walmart is my birth control.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..A Plot’s Afoot

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:55 am

My god. I think you’re just my nighttime personality commenting on my own writing at night.

SassC September 6, 2011 at 6:51 am

Chuck E Cheese is the 10th Circle of Hell. I believe it’s punishment for adults for actually enjoying sex while procreating.

In other news, I taught my sister “twatwaffle” yesterday and afterwards we used it as often as humanly possible.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:55 am

Because you’re an awesome sister.

Jaclyn September 6, 2011 at 8:18 am

Do I need to remind you that you are 24 and that it’s completely normal for you not to be thinking about this? Our society is kind of funny in that way- if you are married, it doesn’t matter if you are 18, people expect you to have a baby right away. I got married at 22 and didn’t start trying for a few years and my husband’s family could not understand my hesitation and pressured me nonstop. Of course the other side is that you can be 35 and unmarried and people are all upset if you decide to have a baby on your own. Seriously, I blame marriage for all the baby pressure.

If you don’t want to have a kid ever, then don’t. But you’ve talked about this subject before and I think you are more afraid that you will fail at motherhood or something so don’t be surprised if one day you realize that OMGINEEDTOHAVEABABYRIGHTNOW!!! Once that shit hits, it will be the only thing you think about until you have a baby. Like your ovaries are holding a gun to your head. In conclusion, cats meow to remind you to feed them, where a newborn will definitely scream in your face. So don’t worry, you won’t forget :)
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 11:56 am

I’ve had a couple of instances in which I thought, “Wow, having a baby might be just the right thing.”

Then I went to Wal-Mart.

Thanks, Wal-Mart, for reminding me that I shouldn’t have kids because I will fuck them up.

Misty September 6, 2011 at 9:11 am

Ok, when I first started dating the hubs, I realized pretty quickly that he wanted a big family. I figured I should inform him that I did not want kids. Ever. Plus, I wasn’t big on that whole marriage thing either. I figured he would pack it in at that point, but somehow he loved me enough to hang in there. And I never got that patronizing, “oh, you’ll change your mind someday” crap from him either. I was 22. Fast forward about 6 years later and we are now married, so I obviously changed my mind on that one (and actually told HIM it was time to pop the question), then 2 years later I was preggers. Something changed in me over time which made me want to have a family. I’m not saying that will happen to you, but it might.

Saying all of that, there are many times that I think I should have stuck to my original decision of not having kids. I am not a great mother. I can be selfish and withdrawn, and I find nothing better in life than to hole up all alone in the bathtub for hours with a good book and a glass of wine while someone else watches my crotch fruit. I usually don’t find joy in just spending time with my kiddies. Love them to death? Absolutely. Want to be with them every waking moment? Kill me now. Yet, I think my kids will grow up to be good people, because by god I will teach them not to be assholes. I will teach them manners and respect and grace and love. But I will never be that saintly huggy kissy mommy type. It’s just not who I am.

I work in a job where I see awful parents every day and absolutely believe that there are certain people who should never be entrusted to create and raise children and then unleash those monsters on the world. I don’t in any way think that you would be one of those monstrous parents, but would probably be an awesome mom because you would actually teach your kids not to be assholes as well. However, if you never feel you want to have kids, maybe that is the best decision for you and Adrian. Nobody else has the right to decide that but you two.
Misty recently posted..The last straw . . . to my heart!

Andi September 6, 2011 at 11:11 am

It took me years to realize this, but it takes a selfish person to be a great parent. Why? Because kids need to know the way the world works, and the world ain’t stopping to get you juice right now. The world hates Barney, and the world is unfair. They have to learn to shut up, get along and wait their turn.

My kids get their own juice, make their own breakfast, and if they make a mess they clean it up. Because they know I will flip my shit if they don’t. Now that they are older, there are plenty of moments that they don’t need me for hours on end. It’s a matter of training them to be self-reliant. The one person I know who is a completely self-sacrificial parent went through a divorce last year, and now her oldest daughter is constantly angry at her mom for *gasp* daring to have a life! Because Mom revolved around her children for so long.
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Misty September 6, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Wow, all of a sudden you make me feel like fucking mom of the year, because my one goal in life is to make those little things self sufficient so they will leave mommy alone!! Seriously though, it pisses me off when one of my kids ask me to do something that I damn well know I taught them to do and they are fully able to do.

I agree with how the over smothering parenting technique fucks up kids from here to Utah. But it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty when I tell my son that he cannot watch any more goddamn baseball on tv because mom just wants to watch some Project Runway already and it’s been like 15 hours of baseball games in the house today and don’t you have toys to go play with in that other room, ohmygodleavemethefuckaloneforaminute!! Plus, I’m married to fucking SuperDAD that wants to spend every waking minute playing with his kids but hardly has any time because of his job, yet I do have time and would much rather they go play somewhere quietly than be under my feet asking me a bajillion questions. So the guilt is constant.
Misty recently posted..The last straw . . . to my heart!

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:00 pm

@Misty: I read last night that, “There’s a difference between loving your children and loving to parent them every single second of the day.” I love hearing that from real moms–no one likes their job everyday, or even their husbands or partners everyday–you love them, but you don’t have to like every single second.

@Andi: That is a really excellent point. Maybe I won’t fuck up kids too badly.

ColinP September 6, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Are you fucking them up or just preparing them for entry into the world?
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Norway September 6, 2011 at 7:54 pm

This is true. There will be plenty of fuckery for them to deal with in the real world. You might actually be doing them a favour.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Both?

natalie September 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

um holy shit…i have no pants tuesdays in which case i watch a shit ton of lost…eat spicy doritos (with no place to wipe my hands)…i feel like if i sont wear pants im on the island with them too…and if i had kids they would totally ruin this beautiful moment.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 12:01 pm

RIGHT? Fucking kids, ruining no-pants day.

WagtheDad September 6, 2011 at 2:04 pm

My neighbors have a grand total of 4 children (2 households). Both of the men sit around in their underwear in the house from April to September. They even answer the door in their underwear. Which I have no problem with, because my own father has worn the same pair of jogging pants (he’s never been jogging, except maybe in ‘Nam) since 1981, and nothing else, in the house.

What freaks me out about these guys is that they wear no pants but they do wear T-shirts. I guess it’s what you grow up with. If you’re going to walk around in your jock, you should at least be manly about it and remove your top.

So it IS possible to have no pants Tuesdays and kids.
WagtheDad recently posted..5 Things from My Vacation in Cyprus, or: Wag the Dad Be Back, Yo

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:04 pm

If your life choices allow you no-pants Tuesday with children in the home, things need to be questioned.

But my father-in-law totally does that shit.

Dangerboy September 6, 2011 at 12:18 pm

“Frowned upon” doesn’t mean “shouldn’t do it”. I am perfectly capable of teaching my child the secret code that means “cuss this pissbucket out in Swahili, Little Danger.”
But I will be glad when I don’t have to clean up poo anymore.
Dangerboy recently posted..5 Things a Day Late, 6 Sep

WagtheDad September 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Hey, my kid said “Fuck” at age three and I didn’t even have to teach it to him.
WagtheDad recently posted..5 Things from My Vacation in Cyprus, or: Wag the Dad Be Back, Yo

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:04 pm

You too.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:04 pm

And that’s why you’re my hero.

Becca September 6, 2011 at 12:25 pm

As most have said, there’s no preparing yourself for having kids, EVER. None of my kids were “planned” per se, but I love them, and wouldn’t trade them in for anything (ok well maybe for a brand new Range Rover, but you know, who wouldn’t). I will say though, having children pretty much ruins your life, the life you had before kids (we’ll abbreviate this to LBK). Pre LBK you actually got to sleep, good quality sleep, when you wanted on your terms, how you like to. Post LBK, you never sleep good anymore. First when they come home as babies you’re up all night thinking, “oh shit, I hope the baby’s still breathing.” Then they get a little older and they invade your bed, and beat the shit out of you all night long with their tossing and turning, and you’re up all night thinking, “oh shit, I hope I don’t suffocate this kid.” Pre LBK you had nice expensive things that could sit out to be looked at and admired. Post LBK all your shit is broken. Period. These are but two small examples of how your life changes. However, the flip side, Life With Kids does have it’s perks. Pre LWK I never knew that a home made macaroni necklace could bring you to tears, or that one smile from the the little crotch rocket could light up your entire soul. Pre LWK I never understood the importance of touch, and how healing it can be to have said crotch rocket run straight up into your arms and hug you so tight you almost can’t breathe, or that stroking the forehead of the little crotch rocket could bring you so much joy. Pre LWK I never understood the importance of sound, and how hearing the small rhythmic breathing of the crotch rockets at night could be so calming, or that listening to my daughter say “I love you,” could impact me on a level I never knew existed. It’s not easy to be a parent, no one is ever prepared, but you can with trial and error (lots of error, at least on my part) sort through it. Luckily kids are amazingly resilient.

And as for the whole mariachi shooting out of your uterus–> jealous. I really think the phubster would go for that sort of thing. He is Mexican after all.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:07 pm

I’m also terrified my OCD will take a violent leap to the left if I ever have kids. I worry about dying every single day. I don’t think I could handle the stress of having kids.

Symplicite September 6, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I don’t have children. I think the 5 years of babysitting at a local resort showed me all the various forms of hell that having children could bring, from the great kids who knew I meant business when I said it was bedtime, to the spoiled, selfish brats who decided I was brass candlestick fodder.

However, when I was married, I did want children. It was something about me. Talk about a kick in the crotch when he and I divorced years later and people said, “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have children.” How is it a good thing? Because it makes divorce “easy”? Because I never have to see my ex again? Fuck you.

While not a requirement to having children, I find that I have a serious issue with men thinking that I need to mother them when we’re in a relationship together. The boyfriend/fiance/whatever did not come from the girth of my loins, ergo my sympathy and empathy toward their plight decreases. I don’t feel a sense of obligation to put up with their shit just because they have a penis and I don’t. And because they did not come from me, I fail to see why I have to be a mother to them. That’s why they have their mother.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I realize that I really am a fantastic aunt. I love my niece and nephews to death, but at the end of the day, they go home. With my sister and brother-in-law. Perfect.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Kids you can send back to their families are the best.

Symplicite September 6, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I agree. That’s one of the things I loved about babysitting – I went home at the end of the day, without any children! And with my sister’s kids, since they live in England, I only see them on webcam and/or once every couple of years when they visit. Even better!

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:52 pm

WOW.

You win at being an Aunt.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 6, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I have 2 kids, and they are great. There’s never been a minute I wished that I had done things differently or waited until I was older (I’m 25). However, there are lots of pros to waiting or to not having kids at all, so I think it just comes down to a personal preference. Oh, and I wish my uterus expelled confetti…so jealous!
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..What Kind Of Child Am I Raising?

Norway September 6, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Does it all explode out at once, or is it a slow trickle of confetti? I think the first is more festive, personally.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Your kids sound awesome. Also, it’s usually just a huge cloud. It’s tough in public.

Norway September 7, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I bet you’re great at parties.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Depending on which week of the month it is, I AM AMAZING.

Bayleigh September 6, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Never wanted kids, doctors got my hopes up by telling me I could never have them. Two demon spawns later, my doctor will finally fix me. The “You may change your mind” was the reason he never would before now. So, I changed doctors. I can vote for the fucking president but I’m not allowed to determine for myself whether or not to share my body with a energy draining leach?! Don’t get me wrong, I love both of my kids, but when asked, I tell people not to do it! Borrow someone elses for the day if you’re feeling particularly baby friendly. It will change your mind.

Norway September 6, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Just don’t borrow a cute baby. Then you’re screwed.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:24 pm

The fucking doctor told you, “You’ll change your mind?” What a fucking dick.

WagtheDad September 6, 2011 at 2:07 pm

This was how I decided it was time to have kids.

My wife called me up at work and said she was ready. I said. Umm….mmm…mmmm….
and she said well, whatever you do is fine with me, but YOU’RE in charge of the birth control from now on.

So I was all condoms….or a life of hell.

I chose the life of hell. And, like Dubya, I’m going to stick with it.

Anyway, what the hell would I write about if I didn’t have kids? You can’t base a website just on nicotine addiction and pissing on Roman ruins.
WagtheDad recently posted..5 Things from My Vacation in Cyprus, or: Wag the Dad Be Back, Yo

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Oh, Lord knows you’d find something to write about. You’re Shane.

Norway September 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I know I’D read just for those things. Especially combined.

Luda September 6, 2011 at 4:09 pm

136 comments? As if I’m reading all those.

I just stopped by to tell you that if anyone ever uttered these words in my vicinity (“life isn’t worth living if you don’t have children”) they would get a karate chop to the esophagus.
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:25 pm

And it would be well deserved.

Wendy September 6, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Personally, I’m 35. I simply look at my family tree, and it pretty much cockblocks me on demand. :)
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:26 pm

HAH. That was fucking amazing.

DejahThoris_ September 6, 2011 at 4:47 pm

First blog of yours I’ve read, and I love this post! I have a child but I thought your perspective was hilarious and I have totally been there. I also know what you mean about parents being like “evangelists,” that was spot on. I’ll try to read as many of your future posts as I can, if you keep tweeting the links! -Jes (@DejahThoris_)

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Well thank you! I hope I can keep entertaining you.

Britney Earwood September 6, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Personally, I think children saying cuss words is adorable. Like midgets playing soccer. It shouldn’t be right, but, oh baby, it is.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:27 pm

So very awfully true.

anna @ hahas for hoohas September 6, 2011 at 6:18 pm

eating naked is all fun and games until you drop chocolate slivers on your crotch and it melts. then you have to explain why your crotch is so warm. i mean, it’s natural and all, but for some reason (at least for me, I don’t want to generalize here) i have a difficult time admitting i have a hot crotch. i mean, it’s firey hot. is that normal? God, I hope so.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I think the more difficult explanation is the brown crotch stains, and not the fiery crotch.

The Wannabe Housewife September 6, 2011 at 6:22 pm

“It’s generally looked-down-upon to teach children the following words: balls, twat, poonsocket, rocketpocket, and the phrase, “Fuck your mother,” in 5 languages.”

My children will be fucked because words like those fly about in my house on a constant.

Until then, my Husband and I have been trying to sabotage my nephew when his mother isn’t around. The look on her face when her 13 month old son ran up to her, pointed and yelled “ffffuckballllls” was the most proud of a child I have ever been.
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Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I suddenly have a new goal for Christmas with my nieces.

becca September 6, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Because I am so awesome I replied to this post twice. Kids also screw with your ability to remember shit. fuck my life.

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:28 pm

YAY KIDS! AND BECCA!

Mamy September 6, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I adore you!
I’m sitting outside at lunch today reading this on my phone, tears streaming down my face (I think I peed a little too; another wonderful addition to the bundle of joy they never tell you about). I AM a spotter for my three year old, only she asks for a “butt check” when she’s done doing her business!
Mamy recently posted..Oh No…the Big 4-0!

Noa September 6, 2011 at 9:28 pm

HRRRCKKK.

And there’s another reason I’ll never have kids.

Jennifer September 6, 2011 at 11:07 pm

No kids. I can’t recall a time that I’ve ever wanted them & now that I’m of an age to “get to makin’ babies if you’re going to do it” I want them even less. I’m selfish, irresponsible, kind of lazy, and I hate cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I love naps, tv time, and being able to go wherever I want whenever I want. I take up hobbies then drop them as often as hygienic people change their underwear. Basically, I’m having a good day if I remember to feed myself, I don’t need whiney little hungry creatures ruining Ice Road Truckers for me. I’ll leave the parenting to those without ADHD. For me it was an easy choice.
Oh, and those “you’ll change your mind” people should be bitch slapped.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Right? That’s like changing your mind about wanting a right arm. It’s just not going to happen.

Teresa September 7, 2011 at 12:32 am

My son was an accident. (Another reminder to NEVER forget to take your birth control pill 2 days in a row?) I had him when I was 20, a month before my 21st birthday. I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything, since I got plenty of partying days in.
I don’t think anyone has any right to tell someone they should or should not have kids. My dad is still appalled that I had him out of wedlock….hello? get over yourself, he is two and a half now! Plus last time I checked this was not the 1950s.
I think a big part of me being ready came with becoming a single mom. I broke up with his dad when my son was 2 months and he has never helped us out. I realized HOLY SHIT I am the ONLY person responsible for this little guy. I knew I was capable and selfless enough to sacrifice everything I had known for this new life with him. And if it weren’t for my son? I may have not broken things off with that addicted abusive good for nothing asshole.
It takes realizing there is something more than yourself. I don’t know that anyone is ever ready for it. I still am not ready for the sleepless nights induced by ear infections or the tornadoes of destruction. Sometimes I lose it. Eventually I just have to get over myself because it’s me or me that has to take care of the sickness, the tantrums, the messes, him hitting me…
That isn’t to say I am working on dating and trying to find myself a nice man for myself and a father for my son. I wouldn’t tell my dates that on the first date but I am trying to plan out my future to be so maybe I can sleep in once and awhile (opposed to never) And get a man to mow the lawn for me. And take out the garbage.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Teresa, it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job being a mom. Not everyone takes it all in stride as well as you do–I’m one of those people. I HATE when my plans get screwed up, so I’m pretty goddamn impressed.

Jamie September 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

I have an 11-month-old son, whom we very much planned and wanted. I have not taken to motherhood like some people do, with butterflies and rainbows and “this is the most fulfilling experience of my life!” I went back to work pretty early because I missed it. My son goes to daycare and I’m fine with it. Being a mother has been enveloped into my life, but has not *become* my life. It is possible to still retain your identity AND raise a child. That said, to be real, there are days where I look around at the crazy and stress and think, “Did I really make the right call?” And then my son gives me an open-mouthed slobbery kiss and pats my cheeks and says over and over again, Mama Mama Mama, and I remember that the hard times are worth it.

But, becoming a mother has not led me to believe that it is the right decision for everyone. You had better be damn sure about wanting to bring a child into the world, because while it is fun and fulfilling, it’s also a lot of effing work and stress and impacts your relationship with your partner in ways you never expected. Plus, it’s EXPENSIVE, even if you don’t buy into the bullshit products forced down your throat. I’m probably even more pro-choice NOW than I was before I had a baby.

Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Thank you for being so honest! You’re right–it’s not the right call for everyone, and even if you do decide to make a baby, there is no one correct way to raise a child. Some women are really good at being stay at home moms, and some are not–and THAT’S FUCKING FINE! If you’re miserable at home just because someone told you that’s what is correct, then your kid is probably miserable too. I applaud you for making the choices that are right for you and yours without letting our culture change your mind.

Vesta Vayne September 7, 2011 at 6:53 pm

No children for me. I actually do get the uterus tug thing but I ignore it. Why? Because logic wins in my book. I do not like strangers to touch me, and being pregnant is like having a stranger touch you for nine whole months – on the inside. Not to mention all the doctors…I just can’t deal with it. Plus, my husband is not good with children, he just pretends they aren’t there, which would be pretty freaking hard to do if they lived with us. I know people always say it’s different when they belong to you…but it would really suck to find out the hard way that isn’t true.
Vesta Vayne recently posted..Apologies are pointless unless they’re not

Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:15 pm

If you know yourself well enough to know that you won’t enjoy children, there’s no need in rolling those dice to make sure it really is different when they’re yours, because you’re right in that it’s going to suck a lot if you’re wrong.

Teala September 7, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Don’t get me wrong. I fucking adore kids. I think it’s awesome that people have them. My best friend has a little baby girl, my niece. She is awesome. BUT day-um! I’m so unprepared for a kid right now. It’s not even fucking funny. Plus I think that would actually kill my boyfriend. Every time another Aunt Flo arrives, I sing Kool and the Gang’s “Celebrate Good Times” and dance around. It’s a motherfuckin’ party…without the mother fucking. At any rate, I’m going to finish my wine. Because duh! I’m having a par-tay up in here!

Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Megan Mooney (a killer stand-up comic) has a bit about her sister saying, “condoms are such an inconvenience,” to which Megan responds, “You know what else is inconvenient? WAHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH.”

Think about that while sipping your wine, and then feel awesome about life.

Jessica September 8, 2011 at 10:37 am

I’m 23, have a 2 year old and one on the way. I knew I wanted to be a mom, always. Does this make it easy, hells no but it was my choice and I choose to love the little moments that make it worth it to me. When my son counts to ten I burst with so much pride and love it’s ridiculous, when he decides to scream on a 4 hour flight I think “What the hell did I do???” Seriously, the rest of my life I’ll have these kids, holy shit. But then you think what would happen if they died or were taken away and you would fight fucking Chuck Norris to prevent that. No one can tell you what would be right for you, kids are HARD, if you want to live your life without that and you know that’s what’s right for you-Bravo, life your life to the fullest and enjoy every child-free moment! If one slips past the goalie and you get a surprise, you’ll be alright too and you’ll love that kid drawing on your walls and ruining all your belongings (including your crotch) you may not like them but you’ll love them anyways.
Jessica recently posted..Phoning it in…

Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm

God I hope I have a good goalie.

Thanks for your honest comment!

Sars September 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I haven’t wanted kids since I was 15. After more than 20 years I still don’t. And yet… people insist I should want them, have them, want them. I not only don’t put actively prevent. Yay me for being smart! You don’t have to want children. Being intelligent enough to know this, makes you a good parent before you are one.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I used to want kids so much. And Then, weirdly, I got married, and that desire immediately went away. And it’s been awesome ever since.

shauna2743 September 10, 2011 at 4:38 am

I was told when I was 18 that I would never have babies. W

shauna2743 September 10, 2011 at 8:10 am

when the choice seems to be taken out of your hands it makes you want it more than you ever thought you could… My husband and I tried for 2 years, the first time it happened, I miscarried. I got pregnant again by surprise few months later… I lost the baby when i was five months pregnant, had a normal birth and held my beautiful little girl, Jodie. Then I had to go through saying goodbye to her. I got desperate to have a baby after that. I now have a four month old son, Elijah. Motherhood is unbelieveably hard work, but it is worth every minute. I admire those who can say they do not want children… and i believe it is better to make that choice that to go along with having babies just because society says you’re “supposed” to… but for me, when i had my daughter, and the only way i could be a mum to her was to organise her funeral, i guess it made me look at things differently. children are precious. life is precious. I think the idea of adoption is beautiful. Doesn’t matter how a child comes into your life.. but once they are in it, it is a million times richer.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I’m so sorry your journey to motherhood was so tough. I absolutely hate seeing people go through tough times to have children, because those are almost always the people who deserve to be parents the most. You’re tough as hell, and I’m sure you’re an amazing mother. Thank you for sharing your story.

Some Nobody September 10, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I managed to make it well into my 40s with no kids. I didn’t like kids when I was a kid. It won’t change. I’ve got decades of evidence of that. I can tolerate them and have accidentally had spouses that had them in my house because parents seem keen on their children…that didn’t work out well. Nothing like a five year-old that’s pissed at you because you didn’t get up on Saturday morning to start the stupid disney movie for the 500th time on the VCR (yeah, I’m old, it was VCR days) so he dumps a half gallon of milk on your head while his mom thinks it’s funny and giggles. BTW, we all have our linguistic feats we enjoy sharing: You may never need to know this but “Cel care fute porcul” roughly translates to “You are a fucker of pigs” in Romanian. I’m up to about 20 languages for “pig fucker”. It’s been a life-long quest to learn the actual colloquialisms from native speakers, not the dictionary versions. Also, people who don’t speak german often make the mistake of saying “schweinficker” when it’s really “schweinfick”. Cheers and stay safe from marauding knee-biters. Plenty of people have kids they don’t even want, so if you don’t want any, don’t have ‘em.

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I really enjoy your life-long quest of colloquialisms, especially the more colorful ones. My father in law is Hungarian, but speaks Romanian and Russian as well, and is FULL of the most ridiculous shit you can possibly imagine. I think you’d really enjoy speaking with him.

Some Nobody September 10, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Oh, FWIW, I’m a pretty good dog dad and my dogs like me and go everywhere with me, but my sister has pointed out (from watching them for me on occasion) that I’m the only person she knows that has dogs that come to the feed person and bark at them instead of pawing at their bowl. At least my dogs aren’t stupid, if they were they might starve if I got distracted.

Sis had chemo that razed her ovaries, more or less, so folks have leaned on me for a grandkid but I know for a fact it would be a BAD IDEA. Parents can get weird about that. My dad offered to pay all expenses if I carried on his branch of the family tree. That was WAY too much pressure and I’m thinking about taking a gig in the third world again, which is where all people want dad’s to work, right?

Noa September 10, 2011 at 10:08 pm

It’s a totally great idea to raise children in a third world country, because when you move back to the US, you can be all, “I AM THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS AWESOME.” And you would be, because you would have food.

Jaye September 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

No kids for me and I’m at the point I’m just wishing the confetti would STOP already. When can I stop buying the Pax and Pads?

I realize that at some point I will be vaguely regretful that I don’t have kids to take care of me in my decrepitude, but the ungrateful wretches would probably just throw me in a nursing home and never visit me anyways, so zero sum, right?

Noa September 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

You know what happens when you get old and you don’t have kids? You die in a blaze of glory with no need for retirement.

You keep on not having kids, because it’s fucking awesome.

Steve D September 11, 2011 at 10:13 am

We had two and spent years baby-proofing the house (Rule 1: everything you want to keep must be at least four feet off the floor. Rule 2: don’t plan on keeping anything. Rule 3: if the blood didn’t make it all the way down the stairs, it wasn’t worth getting involved in squabbles.). After a few years’ respite, three grandkids. Two our son’s, one came pre-assembled, if you get my drift. So one end of the living room is a huge walk-in toybox again.

Two things about grandparents really piss me off:
1. The ones who treat “their” grandkids differently from siblings who aren’t “theirs.” These have to be the people who went to Michael Vick’s dog fights. Nobody else could be that pointedly cruel. Our pre-assembled grandchild is not a blood relative but she’s ours, and she will continue to be ours even if her parents split up. We will go to her high school graduation and her wedding (hopefully in that order) even if her mom is on spouse #27.
2. “My kids are so selfish because they won’t give us grandchildren.” You want someone else to take on a commitment of 20+ years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, so YOU can brag about your grandchildren, and THEY are selfish? I could hope Social Security goes bankrupt just to put people like that out on the street.

Noa September 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm

There is a member of my family who is very inexplicably against adoption to an uncomfortable degree, and I always feel awkward around them because I have my days in which I don’t want biological children at all and only want to adopt. Thank you for reminding me that not everyone thinks like that.

Leslie @ The Tale of Going Natural September 11, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The hubs is having issues with adoption. I kind of understand. He is worried that the kid is going to turn 16, be a raging ball of angst, and decide we aren’t their real parents and we aren’t good enough.

Quite frankly at 16 I was a raging ball of angst and firmly convinced my parent’s weren’t my parents (I’m still convinced of this.. you gotta meet my mom, dad, and brother to fully understand). So if this didn’t happen with our kids adopted or otherwise, I would be shocked.
Leslie @ The Tale of Going Natural recently posted..Hair Don’t

Steve D September 12, 2011 at 9:28 pm

After thinking a bit more, I could see if it was a blended family of older kids, one of yours and six of theirs. The kids would be old enough to understand. But with little kids who don’t understand why one gets love and they don’t? That’s just cruel.

Leslie @ The Tale of Going Natural September 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I am financially (for the most part), emotionally, and mentally ready for kids. Problem? My lady bits aren’t co-operating. Hubs has been checked out and he’s cool. It’s my turn now. Our HSA has been depleted for the year, so we are going to have to wait for me to go to the infertile myrtle doc.
Leslie @ The Tale of Going Natural recently posted..Hair Don’t

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

Good Luck–I hope you get to be a mom very soon. You’re fucking rad and you’d be an awesome mom.

Sunshine September 13, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I think the “biological clock” is a myth. We (esp. women) are socialized to believe we’re supposed to grow up, get married, and have babies. I call bullshit. I’m 40 and never once had any urge to procreate. In fact I knew from puberty that I didn’t want kids. My husband and I have been together 12 years now (married for 10) and we’re very happy just the two of us. Different strokes, I guess.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

I’ve seen women who have one because they want really very badly to be mothers–the idea that all women have one is just ludicrous.

Melissa September 18, 2011 at 9:40 am

I am currently 6 days from my due date with my first born and expecting another contraction in approximately 45 seconds…
I am 31 and have spent my entire life wanting children. When I accidentally got knocked up on new years eve (thank you tequila), by a guy I don’t even like, I realized that maybe I wasn’t as ready for this as I thought I was!!
I am convinced this kid will come out saying “Fuck”… I am in so much trouble!

Noa September 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

I’m weirdly honored that you read this during labor. Congrats on your new baby!

Steve D October 24, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Late add but what the hey. We drove to California in 1984 when our two boys were 5 and 7. I told them that they had to keep their hands inside because the Freeway Bears would get them. That is STILL a running gag in our family and will no doubt be used to terrify future generations. Messing with their minds – the neglected benefit of child-rearing.

Noa October 25, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I’m taking notes.

Bill G. December 8, 2011 at 10:18 pm

One really annoying thing about having a kid is that people always ask when you’re going to have ANOTHER ONE. My wife had our kid at the age of 43, she’s 47 for fuck’s sake. We live in Utah where everybody has a 4000 square foot house with a dozen munchkins running around, so they’re utterly baffled that I “only” have one.

For the most part, kid-proofing is a bunch of bullshit. It’s a good idea to stash the hazardous chemicals and keep the aspirin up high. But short of stripping your house cleaner than a prison, it isn’t possible. One point of contention that my wife and I have is that she says I’m being irrational when I get upset about having yet another one of my personal possessions completely destroyed. It puts things in perspective when our daughter gets into her CDs/DVDs, pulls them out of cases, and throws them around the house. I call it sensitivity training.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I imagine your home is filled with shiny frisbee projectiles, and it makes me smile so much.

Bill G. December 9, 2011 at 9:49 am

The solution is that my wife and I have ripped our CDs and DVDs and burned them onto copy CDs/DVDs, then put the originals in the attic. Then if my daughter trashes them, she’s trashing copies. Burn another disc and you’re back in business. Copywrite laws allow you to make one copy in case the original gets trashed as long as you’re not giving them away or selling them, which we’re not.

She’s gotten a lot better lately, but for awhile, the house was a CD frisbee-fest.

Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:59 am

And now I know how I’ll entertain my nieces this Christmas.

Andrea June 7, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Hmm… I want them. And I want them to traverse my vagina. Because the science of that makes me all fangirly. I mean, if I met a really kickass foster kid that would be cool too… but being able to form a new thing out of tossing my genes with someone else’s would be a fun lomg-term science experiment.

That’s totally an irresponsible reason to get knocked up.

The world sighs in relief that I haven’t gotten laid in a year.
Andrea recently posted..Shitballs

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Are you a mad scientist? Because I have some great ideas.

Lisa August 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm

lmbo!!! I really don’t like kids. I loved your 2 statements “I don’t understand what goes into “baby-proofing,” a home, but assume that it might have something to do with bleach, a brillo pad, and a turkey baster.” and “I frequently take up hobbies, abuse them for 4 weeks, and then forget about them. I’ve been told that you can’t take the same approach to child-rearing. Illegal, some say.” The second statement describes me perfectly

Elizabeth August 25, 2012 at 9:37 am

‘Once a month, my uterus expels confetti.’ ‘My crotch becomes physically painful when I look at the website Shit My Kids Ruined. I really like all my nice shit.’ ‘It’s generally looked-down-upon to teach children the following words: balls, twat, poonsocket, rocketpocket, and the phrase, “Fuck your mother,” in 5 languages.’
Again, you’re hilarious.

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