Lessons in Being An A-Hole: Sorry, Me.

09/28/2011 · 108 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,I'm A Terrible Person,Social Services

Dear Noa,

I’m sorry for that time you thought your hair would look so fucking amazing in a ponytail, predominately not styled, for that one prom. We all regret that night–the night of the horrific Cotton Eye Joe Incident. I’m sorry for thinking that same year that a glitter dress was a classy idea–but in good news, you learned you could never strip. Life Choices for the win, there.

On that same line, I’m sorry you thought it was a good idea to break up with our boyfriend 1 week before prom but still go with him. It was pretty magical having him shout, “LOVE IS A LIE,” in the middle of Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody.

I’m sorry for spending 4 years wearing nothing but Wranglers and blue t-shirts. Oh God, why?

I’m sorry we’re just now discovering Star Trek: The Next Generation and Doctor Who. The good news is, we have a lot of time to make up for in awesome TV, and that you now imagine the voices of your appliances are Patrick Stewart.

I’m sorry for admitting publicly that you give your appliances narrations. Your fridge is kind of an asshole, by the way.

I’m sorry we love TLC and Investigation Discovery. I’m not sorry we love Venture Brothers, Frisky Dingo, The Oblongs, and Fullmetal Alchemist.

I’m sorry you’ve only seen the end of The Big Lebowski, that you don’t remember if you’ve ever seen Clerks or not (chances aren’t good). You really need to get on that.

I’m sorry it seems like we’ll never get out of this cycle of self-abuse.

I’m really super sorry about our terrible taste in music. I can’t help it if we own a few songs by The Chipettes and Tiffany, and most of the collections of Celine and the Good Man Bolton. And Rascall Flatts. And…you know…Baha Men. There’s a lot to be ashamed of by the necessity of having a playlist called, “Not Shitty Music,” just in case you have to play music publicly.

I’m sorry for owning and wearing those tennis-shoe high-heels. Neither one of us can explain that shit.

I’m sorry for that time you busted a bottle on a countertop and threatened to, “cut a whore like a good coupon,” over a bodybuilder named Doc who worked at Best Buy.

I’m sorry you didn’t better treat the guy who broke up the fight, a stock guy from Best Buy who looked JUST LIKE Seth Rogen. He liked you, and he was a lot better than you treated him.

I’m sorry for that time we were in Scotland and that guy coughed into your open mouth and you didn’t punch him. Our reflexes are much better now, grasshopper.

I’m sorry we’ll never take a picture in which we aren’t making scrunch-faces like you’re thinking about black holes, gonorrhea in sea turtles, and trying to eat a peanut butter quesadilla at the same time.

I’m sorry your regrettable hairstyle once got you mistaken for a person with special needs at the Bridal Shop.

I’m sorry for those panic attacks you had for so long–but please, learn to wear them like a badge of honor, because you no longer have them, and others are not so lucky as you.

I’m really really sorry you clicked that link today that said, “Nancy Grace Wardrobe Malfunction.” Lesson learned.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

What are you sorry to yourself for?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jillian: “When you repent, be sure to ask forgiveness for all the toast you’ve eaten in your life. When Hell Guy, my college’s transient expert on God, redemption, and fiery pits of doom, visits for his bi-annual “lecture,” he is always ominously vague about the evils of toasters and anything that gets cooked by them. Especially Pop Tarts, because those things were designed specifically for the toaster, unlike bread which could be eaten on its own if we sinners hadn’t fucked it up with our new-fangled heating appliances.”

 

{ 108 comments }

GirltoMom- Heidi September 28, 2011 at 1:16 am

I laughed out loud. This is full of awesome.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:15 am

Sweet!! I’m glad you liked it.

Becca_Masters September 28, 2011 at 2:02 am

Just awesome!
Your hairstyle got you mistaken for a person with special needs?!? Ha!
Once in the grocery store they had a huge display of party bag stuff and I got really excited (I’m weird like that) and I dragged my husband over to the display to see what goodies they had and the store security guard came over to us, smiled at me and then asked my husband if I needed to sit down or see a first aider. My husband looked confused and said no. The security guard said “are you sure? Cause with her condition she shouldn’t get too excitable”. Both my husband and I looked at each other and my husband said “condition?” and the security guard replied “she hasn’t got special needs?”
I just about DIED laughing.
Apparently my excited face and body language equals someone with special needs….

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:16 am

It was a pony tail. A regrettable ponytail, but a ponytail nonetheless.

Her exact words were just so horribly offensive to mentally challenged people: “It’s so nice that you hire people like that,” as though I had leprosy.

Front Desk Ninja September 28, 2011 at 4:09 am

I have music playlists for specific groups of people so I can blend in, Noa. Don’t worry.
I also mistakenly clicked on a link involving Nancy Grace and her wardrobe…. I can’t believe it was a ‘pasty’ as she is claiming. My eyes were ruined for an hour after.

I’m mainly sorry for the three years in public school I wore a headband everyday, which resulted in me have a permanent ‘bump’ on the top of my head. No amount of soaking my hair could right that wrong. I’m also sorry for the perm I begged my mother for in grade seven. and eight.

I’m also sorry I thought taking college courses with real people was smart. I’m not sure how….but…. the really really perky and “like, oh my god, can you believe it’s half price wings tonight! OH EM GEE” kind of people flocked to me? They were young, and teeny, and boppy. Only one “wow, you’re old” comment though (when it was noted that it’s been 10 years since I took a French class….)
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Welcome To The Jungle

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:17 am

I know few people who’ve said, “My perm was a good idea.”

And really, I know no people like that, because I don’t know the Duggars.

Hoody Hoo September 28, 2011 at 6:51 am

Geez, I don’t think I can do this list — I’m not allowed to talk to myself or write myself any letters since I got that restraining order. Do you know how hard it is to remain 200 feet away from YOURSELF? Whatta bitch. I knew I shoulda cut her one.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Deep Thoughts

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:17 am

That whore.

Wait. What?

Rosie September 28, 2011 at 7:44 am

Dear Rosie,

I’m sorry for that time I tried to impress that beautiful, wicked smart man of your dreams with my newfound medical knowledge from nursing school. How was I supposed to know Abe Lincoln didn’t die of Marfan’s Syndrome?

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:18 am

I heard it was Polio. THANKS, WIKIPEDIA.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 28, 2011 at 7:52 am

Never be sorry that you broke a bottle on a counter and threatened to cut a bitch, I’ve wanted to do that my entire life.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..I’m Not F-ing Matt Damon….Yet

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:18 am

It was pretty goddamn fun, I won’t lie.

Johi September 28, 2011 at 7:58 am

Dear Johi,

I’m sorry that no one is following you through life, hitting the “delete” button before you can hit “send”.

I’m sorry about the Aqua Net years.

I’m sorry that you were such a giant dick to boys that some old high school buddies (of the male persuasion) wrote a song about you called “Hurricane”, because being compared to a destructive, deadly and devastating storm is always flattering.

I’m sorry that you dated a guy who thought he was Zorro….for three fucking years.

….I could keep going but I need to nurture the coffee addiction that I allow myself.

I’m not sorry that I started reading Oh, Noa.

Your friend (the one who usually embarrasses you but you keep hanging out with),
Johi
Johi recently posted..How to give thoughful gifts.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:19 am

ZORRO?

Did he wear a cape? Did he try to cut Z’s in shit with his wang?

I must know more.

Johi October 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Just a dreadful amount of black… every day…. from head to toe. And he thought that he was some kind of a weapons genius. I don’t know what I was thinking. An even though it is full of excellent sources for comedy, it actually makes my vomit in my mouth a little to relive my past.
Johi recently posted..And then I proved to everyone that I am always accountable for my actions.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I dated a marine who thought he was the leader of the world. He tried to kill me, so–that was awesome.

ColinP September 28, 2011 at 8:45 am

Noa, you have to watch Clerks so that you can watch Clerks 2. Donkey Show, s’all I am saying.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:19 am

Well, knowing Donkey Shows are involved, I can’t NOT watch it.

Jaclyn September 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

I’m sorry to myself for having no filter. Things people didn’t need to know about me:

That milk gives me the shits. Seriously, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t know this.

That I dropped a blood clot the size of a golf ball after Caitlyn was born. In fact, Nadine’s disgusting ass got mad that I didn’t take a picture, but I’m pretty sure no one else ever wanted to hear about it, let alone see photographic evidence.

That my husband is mad because I won’t take it in the ass. Not like “why can’t we try it?” mad. Like seriously, “every other girl LOVED it” mad (fucking liar, by the way).

That my mom fucked one of my friends and I ended up fucking him like 2 years later. Did I mention he also tried to fuck my sister and cousin? Ick. What was I thinking?

You’re welcome. This has been “things you can never not know about me ever again”.
Jaclyn recently posted..The Early Bird Gets the Taxidermied Cat (because you have to order those things WAY in advance)

Front Desk Ninja September 28, 2011 at 9:00 am

I love you.
the end.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Welcome To The Jungle

Jaclyn September 28, 2011 at 3:03 pm

so I haven’t scarred you for life them? You are gonna have nightmares about that blood clot, I promise.
Jaclyn recently posted..THAT Lady…

Front Desk Ninja September 29, 2011 at 11:07 pm

I doubt that. I saw the canteloupe-sized blood clot that came out of my best friends va-jay-jay when she pushed out my niece. If I can handle seeing *that* splat on the ground, mere feet away from my toes, I’m fairly sure that talking about your blood clot will do nothing more than make me chuckle.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..I Can Add Pimp To My List Of Accomplishments Now

Jen September 28, 2011 at 10:18 am

You. Are. AMAZING!

And I’m with you; assholes should be exit only.
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: The One Where I Yell at the Homeless Guy

Jaclyn September 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm

why doesn’t he understand the asshole equation? And I asked him once “but… you know, isn’t there, like POOP on your dick after?” And he’s all “usually not, but sometimes a girl does shit on you, that’s just the price you pay”. Sickest fucker ever. His other very unconvincing argument besides “everyone else loved it” is “once your asshole stretches a little it won’t hurt anymore”… so a stretched out asshole is supposed to convince me? I’m… supposed to WANT that? Like, strive for a stretched out asshole? NO, NOBODY WANTS A STRETCHED OUT ASSHOLE EVER EVER EVER. Especially someone who sometimes still eats ice cream even though she knows it will give her diarrhea. MY BUTT MUSCLES NEED TO BE READY!
Jaclyn recently posted..THAT Lady…

Heather Rose September 29, 2011 at 8:25 am

And with that… I will no longer be having corned beef hash for breakfast. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Heather Rose recently posted..Cat turds and meatballs

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:21 am

@Jaclyn: Exit only. S’all I’m sayin.

@FDN: No holes barred with this one. Well, actually, no, there is one.

@Jen: You’ve met your match, I see.

@Heather: I’m with you there.

DevilsHeaven September 28, 2011 at 9:06 am

I just can’t get past “I’ll cut a whore like a good coupon”. Seriously, can I add this to my repertoire of one liners??
DevilsHeaven recently posted..Keep Your Grubby Hands Off My FOOD *UPDATED*

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:21 am

Please, please do. Just tell me when so I can beam in your awesomeness.

Heather Rose September 28, 2011 at 9:14 am

I’d apologize for the neon leggings years, but that shit’s back in style. Awesomeness means never having to say you’re sorry…
Heather Rose recently posted..Cat turds and meatballs

Jen September 28, 2011 at 10:17 am

You mean they went OUT of style? Shit. . .
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: The One Where I Yell at the Homeless Guy

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:22 am

I saw some party decorations for an 80′s themed party the other day, and there was a cardboard cutout of a girl in 80′s wear, and it looked like Katy Perry. Bring on the neon.

Erin September 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

oh man… i’m so sorry for ever doing my michael jackson “billie jean” impression in public, and i’m even more sorry that it gets requested at every party i go to… and that i always comply…. i might be the most sorry about complying at my own wedding… that really was the beginning of the end for the ol’ wedding dress… death by red wine…
Erin recently posted..clear skies…

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:22 am

IS THERE VIDEO?

Kelly September 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

I’m sorry for the blue tortoiseshell bifocals and afro in 8th grade.

I’m sorry for the hole in the ozone caused by my love of Aussie Mega Sprunch Spray and aerosol Soft-N-Dri.

I’m sorry for wearing a bodysuit under Wranglers. Often.

I’m sorry for being photographed wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt that made it’s way into the yearbook.

I’m sorry for the 90s. That should pretty much cover it.
Kelly recently posted..PMS = Punch you in the Mouth Syndrome

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:23 am

I sneezed in the beginning of my Junior Year yearbook photo, and missed both retake days thanks to game days. Immortalized in douche are we.

Andi September 28, 2011 at 9:34 am

I’m not a big believer in apologies — you know me. I OWN MY SHIT. However, I’m amazed that we both worked at Best Buy once upon a time. You know the TV show “Chuck”? COMPLETELY TRUE representation of those people.

Also, the Seth Rogen guy from Best Buy? I married him. He wants you to know he’s doing just fine. Stay away from him or I’ll cut you like a good coupon.
Andi recently posted..Progress of a Sort

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:23 am

I hope he’s every bit as fucking rad as I remember, because you’re lucky as a motherfucker.

Andi September 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

Ok, I’m sorry I let my mom dress and style me for my 8th grade graduation picture. Every single guy I’ve dated has cited that photo as the reason they believe me when I tell them I grew up awkward.

Every guy.
Andi recently posted..Progress of a Sort

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:24 am

I KNEW YOU’D HAVE SOMETHING.

I regret letting my mom do my hair for my sophomore homecoming, because I looked like Jennifer Grey from Beuller got struck by lightning.

Jen September 28, 2011 at 10:11 am

Dear Jen,

Sorry for the whole acid-wash and neon debacle in the 80′s. I am eternally in your debt for all of the yearbook photos where you looked like the evil spawn of Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski.

I’m sorry for ingesting so much Monarch vodka that you are now incapable of forming a cohesive sentence without using the word ‘douche’.

Finally, I am sorry for naming your son after the Domino’s delivery guy. That shit is bound to show up in his therapy some day.

Peace, Love & Tofu,
Jen
Jen recently posted..Adventures in Autism: The One Where I Yell at the Homeless Guy

Jaclyn September 28, 2011 at 3:12 pm

the spawn of Zach and Kelly? You mean you are the most amazing thing to ever come out of anyone ever?
Jaclyn recently posted..THAT Lady…

Jen September 28, 2011 at 8:55 pm

In wardrobe only. The rest of me looked more like Screech.
Jen recently posted..Portlandia

Jaclyn September 29, 2011 at 6:25 pm

It’s alright. Cause you’re saved by the bell.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:26 am

I think Domino’s would be flattered that you thought so highly of their employees, Jen. That’s touching.

Also, I’m hungry, so I may be more sentimental about pizza than necessary.

Dani September 28, 2011 at 10:26 am

I love the fact that most of your apologies to yourself were about unfortunate hair. I also owe myself dinner and a movie FOREVER for all the shit we’ve done to our hair.

Dear Dani,

I’m sorry for the time we thought it would be a good idea to get loud mouth drunk at our husband’s office Christmas party and spend the evening discussing the whore sitting next to you WITH HER DAUGHTER, whom she brought as her date. Lesson learned: People can still hear you when you’re bellowing and guffawing at the top of your lungs, even if you’re not speaking directly TO them. Let us never speak of this again.

I’m also sorry for the time you laughed yourself stupid while watching a very awkward girl do the Achey Breaky dance in the Oasis Bar back in the 90s. When she fell on her ass and you laughed so hard you choked on your drink and wound up coughing up a lung and puking on table, that was a low moment we’ll live with for a very long time.

I’m sorry for the 146373839 times we thought it would be a good idea to cut our own hair.

I’m even sorrier that at 48, we still haven’t learned our lesson about that.

Love,

Dani
Dani recently posted..The Updated Update

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:27 am

Do not apologize for the Billy Ray Cyrus Fuckening, because I really wish I was the one with that story. That is amazing.

Blake September 28, 2011 at 10:38 am

Regrettably, I, too, clicked on the Nancy Grace link. I don’t even know why. Also, I am sorry that I let my hairdresser give me a “sassy” new haircut — it is a mullet, plain and simple.

Dani September 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Sooooo, where could one find this link, if one were interested in viewing such horror? Just in case someone asks, of course… *cough*
Dani recently posted..When Murphy calls

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:27 am

@Blake: My condolences for your unfortunate hair. The good news is that it cannot be permanent.

@Dani: I’m doing you a service by refusing to post the link.

bournecycle September 28, 2011 at 10:41 am

Phrases like “cut a whore like a good coupon” are what keep me coming back here.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:28 am

I imagine it’s what Picard would say in a fight.

Tans September 28, 2011 at 11:05 am

“I’m sorry we’re just now discovering Star Trek: The Next Generation and Doctor Who. The good news is, we have a lot of time to make up for in awesome TV, and that you now imagine the voices of your appliances are Patrick Stewart.”

Patrick Stewart kicks ass. Anyone is classically trained in Shakespearian theatrics and then turns around to sign on with “American Dad” and “Family Guy” for the most hilarious characters and toss out the words penis and hooker on a regular basis is spades.

Speaking of Family Guy and your new obsession with STNG here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdcTdrDVqe4

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:29 am

P Stewart may be the best thing that’s every happened. I love him more than Morgan Freeman, and that’s saying quite a bit.

Jaime September 28, 2011 at 11:21 am

I really fucking LOVE the Oblongs…. it’s so bizarre and strange and Clerks is awesome… you should definitely check it out!
Jaime recently posted..random thoughts and seriousness (this blog is not for everyone)

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:29 am

If you love The Oblongs and don’t watch Venture Brothers, you’re missing out!

Sars! September 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

I fear my confessions will give me a panic attack and cause me to have more to apologize for. But you have inspire my topic of writing for FuckSox Friday. Its always good to clean the slate before the weekend makes it dirty again.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:30 am

I feel…sort of dirty and a lot awesome after reading that.

Rebecca Rhielle September 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Dear Self:

I’m sorry that we seem to attract drama like frat boys to a drunk blonde.

I’m sorry that we decided it would be a good idea to sleep with a married woman 7 years our junior. Often. While we were married.

I’m sorry that we ever thought going to confession was the answer, and that we actually stumped the priest.

I’m sorry that we sometimes are not a very good friend because we get really self-involved and selfish-like. We are a creative person, after all.

I’m sorry that we can’t seem to put DOWN the fucking cookies after we’ve had six already. But if we get hit by a bus soon after, we will not die wishing we had finished that pack. You’re welcome.

I’m sorry for all the men I strung along whilst pretending not to be a lesbian. Actually, I’m not. It was amusing.

I’m sorry for the whole spinal tumor/paraplegia/pain thing. But honestly, this one wasn’t my fault. I don’t think. Could be the karma from said strung-along men and the married woman.

And I’m sorry that we’re not exactly the person we want to be, but I’m working on it. No, really. Right after this cookie.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:30 am

Hey. You’re rad as fuck, and that is exactly what I hope you aspire to be.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd September 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Dear Me, I’m sorry that as a teen, you did not quickly pick up on the fact that your first boyfriend played air guitar in public to lobby music and therefore, as a militant introvert, this would lead to an impasse.

And, Noa, love is NOT a lie – Baby Lamont loves you.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Conversation Piece Conversation: Brass Telescope

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:31 am

I can’t get over that last sentence.

Goddamn that was funny.

Misty September 28, 2011 at 1:11 pm

You’ve never seen Clerks???? Get thee to a video store (or a Netflix) STAT, woman!! Damn, I don’t know if I can be friends with you anymore after that confession. We’re cool with everything else though . . .

Dear Misty,

I’m sorry that you apparently have no self control or sense of decency, because after Noa mentioned a Nancy Grace wardrobe malfunction, it is taking every thing you have not to go google that shit. I’m soon to be sorry to my eyes as well.

I’m sorry that I used so much hairspray on your head in high school that there was a 2 inch thick hardened sheen on your dressing table that nothing could sandblast off again.

I’m sorry that for our 5th grade class picture, we let mom make us get a perm and very short haircut, dress us in a pink lacy disaster of a dress, and have braces at the same time. Oh, and just happen to be at the exact time of that whole Haley’s Comet thing, so that your arms are gently resting upon a telescope with a backdrop of the Comet in the night sky behind you. I know that you are scarred for life because of this picture.

I’m sorry that I obviously do not have enough control over our pie hole to keep out all the tasty goodies, such as carb laden pasta dishes and lots of booze, so that I can get your ass wittled down to a reasonable, might just fit through the door again, size.

I’m sorry about the 80′s.

I’m sorry about the 90′s.

I’m sorry about the 2000s.

I’m sorry I made you pop out 2 munchkins and that during their tenur in your body, that they stretched your stomach out so much that you are now striped like a damn pinata, but without the fun treats inside when you are bashed with a stick. Yeah, I’m sorry that those suckers will never ever go away.

I’m sorry that those crotchlings also completely ruined your boobs. They used to be so perky. Now, if unharnessed, it’s like they are 2 telescopes doing some type of deep sea expedition towards the floor. That shit ain’t right.

Love and cupcakes (mmm . . . cupcakes . . .),

M
Misty recently posted..I Am Bringing It

Jen September 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Gawd! I know; the short people fucked up my titties big time. Fortunately I was able to convince Gil to let me buy some new ones. Now he’s still paying them off but can’t come within 500 feet of them. Ain’t life grand?
Jen recently posted..Portlandia

Heather Rose September 29, 2011 at 8:29 am

Jen, I think you’re one of my favorite people ever. That’s the deal I have with boyfriend – I’ll spawn a kid or two for him, but he’s gotta pay to put everything back together afterwards. And not just back together – I want to look like fucking Heidi Montag without the coke and the lobotomy.
Heather Rose recently posted..Cat turds and meatballs

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:33 am

@Misty: I just wrote down your tittiescope line in a notebook so I remember it for all time, because goddamn woman.

@Jen: YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME WITH YOUR SHIT. How are you so rad?

@Heather: I like that it’s a, “well, you can drive my car, but you have to refill the tank,” situation there.

Sara Strand September 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Oh…. how I wish you would show us the hair style that got you mistaken for a special needs person. Because I’d like to rock that when I go grocery shopping so maybe people are a bit nicer to me instead of ramming me with their cart and not even apologizing. Assholes.
Sara Strand recently posted..Me dolls and lazy pet owners.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:33 am

It was only a pony tail. A poorly performed one, but I swear to God that was it.

Alexandra September 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

this is a great idea for a post.

I’m tempted to steal it.

Maybe I’ll wait a few months, so you don’t get wise to why I come here. xo

JUST SENT YOU IMPORTANT EMAIL, pls read it, and act on it.

PLEASE. It’s SO IMPORTANT>

xo

Love you, girl.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:34 am

It was the most important email of all.

Also, I can’t wait to read your take on this!

Barefootorbust September 28, 2011 at 2:26 pm

“I’m sorry we’re just now discovering Star Trek: The Next Generation and Doctor Who. The good news is, we have a lot of time to make up for in awesome TV, and that you now imagine the voices of your appliances are Patrick Stewart.”

Have you seen the BBC version of Hamlet with Patrick Stewart and David Tennant (the 10th Doctor)? Totally mind blowing. Also, if you listen to the Nerdist podcast in which he interviews Patrick Stewart (http://tinyurl.com/3ucplpj) you will get some interesting phrases for your appliances to say.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:34 am

My brain is exploding right now with holy shit.

Thank you.

Barefootorbust September 28, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Dear Barefoot,

I’m sorry for the creative ADD. I know it makes it hard for us to finish anything or to get good at any one type of project. But there are just so many shiney things out there to do. I promise to try harder to fusoc.

I am sorry I am such a nerd. I know how hard you tried to be cool. I am glad you finally came around to my way of thinking. We might have actually had fun in high school and actually had friends if you came around sooner, though. Closet nerd= lonely life.

I’m sorry I picked up the habit of singing along in the grocery store. I know it embarassed you when Mom did it. I am also sorry that I am stronger than you in this department, and that no matter how hard you try to stop me you can’t. However, you have to admit it is impressive how many lyrics you know to old, obscure songs.

I am sorry I can’t handle alcohol. I know there are many days when you just want to sit down and enjoy a beer with friends. Or days that are just so shitty drinking sounds like a good idea. One day maybe you will feel the hospital trip will be worth it. I hope not. And if you think about it, I am keeping you from what could potentially be a very, very bad problem. Remember our addictive personality. Though really, we probably wouldn’t stick to it that long.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:35 am

Never be sorry for being a nerd. You got to experience the most awesome shit ever being a nerd because it meant that you did what you love and developed real personality.

You are awesome.

Monica September 28, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I’m sorry for the green neon spandex leggings. I blame a difficult childhood.
Monica recently posted..A friend loses his Dad

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:35 am

I’m sorry for the pregnant hipster I saw in neon pink spandex legging Friday. More sorry there are no pictures.

Jillian September 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Dear Jillian,
I’m sorry for that time I thought dying your hair red was a good idea, and that no known human being has achieved neon pink hair through genetics alone so you couldn’t really hide it. I’m sorry for the thongs. New underwear will come with the next paycheck, I promise. I’m sorry for the string of abusive friendships with women who just wanted a lackey and a follower, not a friend. I’m not sorry for getting you help to get out of them. You deserve infinitely better. I’m also sorry that many times I don’t love you as much as other people love you, or as much as you love others. I’m working on it, but it’s going to take a while. I’m sorry for the day I got you tongue tied when you tried to introduce yourself to the hot guy in your art class. And I’m sorry that I let you babble on about your favorite pens without actually telling him your name. To be fair, you now have one more story to tell your future children that dating really doesn’t get any better when you get older. I’m still sorry for the clogs. So, so sorry. So sorry that I will continue to buy you hot red stilettos and beautiful boots for as long as your amazing feet can wear them, just to make amends for the shoe disasters in the past. I’m doing a pretty damn good job of it, if I do say so myself. There are probably a lot of other things that I’m sorry for, but this is a good place to start.
Love,
Jillian
P.S. I am NOT sorry that you wrote Noa’s favorite comment from last time! Nice work! I am a little sorry that this comment is not quite as worthy. Face it, kid, you were kinda boring growing up. Let’s fix that, shall we?
Jillian recently posted..The Wrong Side of the Bed– It’s Where I Keep My Stash of Doughnuts

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:37 am

You wear those shoes until your feet look like Sarah Jessica Parker’s face. Earn that shit.

Potentially Reformed Whore September 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Wait, there are people who don’t make those exact prom decisions?
Does that also mean that (1) not everyone’s mother repeatedly threatens to punch date in “beezer,” and (2) there are beezered jackhats who don’t refer to prom dates as “whore” throughout the glitter-clad dance and afterparty?

I now have to reserve more time than I’d planned for auto-apologeticness. Guess I’ll have to stop drinking, dream weaving and writing thank-you notes to make room.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:37 am

And Beezer has now officially entered my diction.

Chunky Mama September 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I’m sorry for staying so long with the guy who didn’t deserve me or treat me well and taking it out on the next guy, who did.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:38 am

Don’t be sorry that you learned what you did, however.

Norway September 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Dear Norway:

I’m sorry you’re such a know-it-all. I’m sorry you are incapable of being polite to stupid people. That particular failing has probably made you a few enemies, but ohmydeadwizardgod can they not just shut up? How can anyone not have a CLUE what “provoke” means?

I’m sorry you have no fashion sense, and hate shopping. You’re lucky to have that friend who can do your hair and makeup for homecoming, cos otherwise you’d be screwed.

I’m sorry you’re so terrible at sports, and as such claim to be a theatre person. That’s lots of fun, but I’m sorry that you get to rehearsal and end up being a horrible dancer (I know you try! I know!) and can’t really harmonise, even though you’re an alto.

I’m sorry you’re still a teenager, and you’re going to give yourself so many more things to apologise for on this post over the years. But you know teenagers suck. You just have to suck a little bit less.

Seriously. Your proctologist just called. He found your head.

Love, Norway

p.s.: Can I borrow some money, me?

Heather Rose September 29, 2011 at 8:34 am

God I wish I’d been this self-aware as a teenager. Would have saved me many, many lunch periods hiding in the bathroom and shoving chocolate bars in my face.
Heather Rose recently posted..Cat turds and meatballs

Norway October 2, 2011 at 7:51 pm

I don’t hide in the bathroom, but the chocolate bar thing doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:40 am

@Norway: I can promise you this, having lived through being a jackassed teenager–all these times in which you may not feel as cool as other people are giving you a chance to develop a much more amazing persona than they could ever dream of. You’ll be the rad one–you already are.

@Heather: My food of choice was french fries and cookies.

Tazer WP September 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm

You kick serious ass Noa.

I’m glad I’m not the only one that narrates appliances.
Tazer WP recently posted..Reasons I’ll Probably End Up Being a Crazy Cat Lady

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:40 am

We should get ours together and have a party.

Megan September 28, 2011 at 11:12 pm

I’ve always wanted to cut a whore likes good coupon!
Dear Megan,
I’m super sorry I made you wear thrift store clothes junior and senior year. Not only did you look like an asshole, you looked like a poor asshole. And you smelled like moth balls. No wonder no boys wanted to fuck you. And I think moms right some old man probably died in those plaid double knit polyester pants. One the bright side you managed to graduate high school baby free.
Love,
Megan
Megan recently posted..GD, It’s G-Free! Nutella+RiceCrispies=Magic

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:41 am

See–it was all for a reason.

wagthedad September 29, 2011 at 4:25 am

I’m sorry for getting a perm at age twelve, thinking that it would give me wavy hair but instead made me look like my grandmother, thus ensuring that I wouldn’t get laid yet for another six years.

I’m also sorry for starting smoking, and all the ongoing liver damage, but you haven’t stepped up to bat yet either and coughed up some discipline.

Mostly I’m sorry for that time you agreed to drive your friend’s date home from prom after he screamed “Fuck You!” across the table at the snazzy restaurant we went to, and even though she really, really deserved it you felt sorry for her and agreed to drive her home which was OK because you weren’t going to get laid at that prom, either, because your girlfriend was a born-again Christian who didn’t believe in sex before forty, but the girl you drove home didn’t deserve to be driven home, either, because she was a mean bitch even at sixteen, she deserved at most to be called a cab or to be gently escorted to the curb and thank you for being patient all these years for me to learn to say “No” to unreasonable requests.
wagthedad recently posted..Sexual Advice For Straight Men Rule #1

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:41 am

I hope you have photos of you with your nana perm. I’ll need them.

iampisspot September 29, 2011 at 6:43 am

“I’m sorry for those panic attacks you had for so long–but please, learn to wear them like a badge of honor, because you no longer have them, and others are not so lucky as you”.

Amen, sister, amen.

I’m sorry for causing my ex-boyfriend a possible lifetime of sexual insecurity, due to the fact that I ended the relationship with the cringe worthy, “it’s not you, it’s me – I’m just not that sexually attracted to you”, only to realise, several years later that this was *potentially* due to the fact that I was gay. I’m sorry, Stuart, when I said ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, I should have added, ‘because I am a closet lesbian’.
iampisspot recently posted..The Black Dog

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:42 am

You have reduced me to no words at all. I honestly have no idea what to tell you right now. If I were next to you, I’d pat you on the head.

L.A. September 29, 2011 at 8:48 am

Geez, we’re allowed to apologize for this stuff??
1. I feel absolution already.
2. How long can my comment be?!

Dear L.A.

I’m sorry for the bowlcut. It wasn’t worth the bribery. That Mickey Mouse autograph book you got from Disneyland wasn’t even close to worth the years of humiliation immortalized in at least four school pictures.

I’m also sorry you lied to your parents that you still loved your Barbies after your sister broke off their heads and put them back on using tinkertoys and crayons. Because no one loves Frankenstein Barbie. No one.

Finally, I’m sorry for how freaking gullible you are. Or how trusting you are, depending who you talk to. The scar on your cheek is total proof that sparklers are not fairies. Otherwise, I feel like that fairy should have granted you a wish instead of burning your face. What a whorish poser fairy.

Love, L.A.
L.A. recently posted..Six degrees of awkward

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:43 am

Of course you’re allowed to apologize, because then it makes everything okay!

Also, this: “I’m also sorry you lied to your parents that you still loved your Barbies after your sister broke off their heads and put them back on using tinkertoys and crayons. Because no one loves Frankenstein Barbie. No one.”

Fucking amazing.

Kernut the Blond September 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

Dear Kernut,

I’m sorry you forgot to buy chocolate yesterday and have to go out and do it today.

Love,
Kernut
Kernut the Blond recently posted..I Found Zombies In A Ghost Town – The Apocalypse Beginneth

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:44 am

That fucking sucks! I hope you got some!

Sara September 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

Ohhhhhhhh NOA!!! I nominated you as a Versatile Blogger!!!
http://saraellenawesome.com/2011/09/29/the-versatile-blogger-award/
Sara recently posted..The Versatile Blogger Award!

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:44 am

FUCK YES.

Jean September 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I am sorry for the fringed sweatshirt with the Jordache jeans circa 1982. I have no explanation for my first fiance. I am very sorry for agreeing to attend the Motley Crue concert in 1985. I deeply regret the incident in Barcelona with the absinthe and that guy from Paris. Probably dying my hair black was a bad idea. See? All your sins are minuscule.
Jean recently posted..Escape to Maroon Bells: fall color in full show

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:44 am

How could you regret Motley Crue?

I’m not sure I want to know that answer, now.

lafemmeroar September 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

What a nice dose of sarcasm and humor … enjoyed it a lot.

As for me: I’m sorry that I with potato chips all these years. The separation was difficult, but there is consolation in fitting into my jeans again.
lafemmeroar recently posted..Symptoms of Brain Damage

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:45 am

I have found new love in Special K’s new chips. They are GLORIOUS.

addtova September 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Im sorry to me for all the things i wore in middle school. So So Sorry. Also I LOVE this post.
addtova recently posted..Recipe- Spinach Pasta (easy and yumtastic) no special equipment needed

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:45 am

I LOVE your apology. Middle school photos should be erased from memory.

thehaughtylibrarian September 29, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I’m sorry to myself for anytime I’ve ever listened to a male and believed what he said. Sorry, self.

I’m also sorry that I’ve made you stay in this terrible city that should be quarantined, made to die, then restarted anew with people who have AT LEAST half of their brain cells. I’ll I’m asking for is HALF. When my lease comes up again, I swear we’ll move, self. I swear. Sorry, self.
thehaughtylibrarian recently posted..This should just be common sense, alas

Noa October 3, 2011 at 2:46 am

Can I offer you a drink? I think you need…several.

Alisen October 3, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Dear me,

I am sorry for the run when you specialized in dating guys that smelled of low self-esteem, future drinking problems and mommy issues. Consequently I am also sorry you wrecked that Jehovah’s witness’ life…and virginity.

On a lighter note, I am sorry for the “leggings” look from 6th to 7th grade due to fear of denim and all hair styles from 1996 to 1999.

Love, your biggest fan, bitch!

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