Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Death Wish Drivers

09/19/2011 · 188 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Dear Death Wish Drivers,

Let me begin this letter with my sincerest thanks for proving to me that no matter how absolutely stupid I feel, I will never be as brain-cell-challenged as you motherfuckers.

Nothing fills my heart with more undiluted glee than traveling safely at 70 mph and you annihilate my front bumper by careening into my lane going 50, especially if you had absolutely no reason for needing into my lane. Hearing my brakes scream in abject terror as I desperately try to cling to my own life and bring my Jeep off the precipice of Hell is just sheer magic. I really hope that sweet move gets you to Starbucks that extra bit faster. Enjoy your macchiato–I will certainly enjoy this stroke you gave me.

Or, my car. Image Credit: NatalieDee.com

I want to be very clear with you when I say: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT. Seeing as up until now you’ve managed not to kill yourself driving, the risk/reward scenario we experience in life has worn itself quite thin on you. You probably think there is no punishment for driving like a handless, severely depressed lemur covered in baby oil.

That ends now.

If You: Honk while we’re in standstill traffic and have been for some time.
Then I Will: Arrange for all of your fortune cookies to only tell you what a huge disappointment you are to your family, friends, and handless lemurs everywhere.

If You: Jump in front of everyone to be 5 cars ahead in horrible traffic by ducking into the HOV lane, even though you are a single driver and a huge dick.
Then I Will: Hire a private detective to find out what your phone number and address is. Then, every Sunday for a year I will call you at a random time from a payphone, and all I will say is, “Philly Cheese Steak,” and I will mail you a postcard every Tuesday with a photo of Mike Tyson’s butthole on the front of it.

If You: Refuse to let me into your lane, though I’ve had my blinker on for 17 miles.
Then I Will: Eat a gallon of poppy seeds, then go to your job in the middle of the night, upend your boss’ desk and pee over all of their stuff. I’ll photocopy 1,120 pictures of my right boob on your company letterhead and mail them all to your most important clients with your business cards and dirty needles inside. Then I’ll leave a letter from the cleaning crew with the secretary that states they saw you do it, and you were high on opiates at the same time.

If You: See me going to pass you in the center lane because you’re going under the speed limit in the left lane, and then speed up so that I can never ever pass you ever because fuck me, right?
Then I Will: Find your children in the night while wearing a Michele Bachmann mask and tell them stories about how you don’t love them anymore because the cocaine and anabolic steroids are really taking over your life. Also that mommy’s sleeping with the Tooth Fairy in a double-whammy bi-sexual/otherworldly creature exploration phase (and usually on your child’s bed), and then I will give them 14 Redbulls each and a pinata full of knives.

I think we can both agree that neither of us want to go through any one of these scenarios (I might want a pinata full of knives though. Honestly, that sounds pretty rad.) There’s an easy way to prevent all of these things from happening: Don’t be the largest asshole who ever assed a hole.

Just. Fucking. Drive.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

I’m beginning to think I’m crazy seeing all of this ridiculous shit in traffic. What’s the worst traffic rage-starter you’ve ever seen (or done)?

Favorite Comment from The Last Post:
From Britt: “I’m a big fan of man titties. They exude the warmth of a mother and the complexity of a father.* Fuck all y’all. Jack Nicholson is the fuckin’ cat’s meow.       *My therapist says I need to work on my understanding of parenthood.”

 

Satan September 19, 2011 at 2:13 am

NOLA cops. they are the WORST.

on any given day, your average driver in new orleans drives like they are stewed-to-the-gills drunk. or sometimes, they really are drunk. either way, it’s a clusterfuck.

the cops take the cake, though, by running through the red lights constantly, usually without their lights OR sirens on. i’ve almost hit a cop car several times, when they’ve pulled out right in front of me, even though i had the green.

but Matt’s experience was worse – he nearly t-boned a cop car that pulled right out in front of him. he had to slam on the breaks and jump the suburban up on the sidewalk, just to avoid hitting the cop car.
and of course, the cop just drove away, like nothing even happened. dipshit.

NOLA cops: creating even more chaos in a city that is full of people who think drunk driving is a SPORT.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:50 pm

I never imagined that NOLA’s police force was really top notch considering all the fuckery that occurs there, and this really just brings it on home that they don’t give any fucks at all. That must make you feel safe.

Rebecca Rhielle September 19, 2011 at 2:35 am

My favorite thing in the whole entire world is when I’m stuck in traffic behind some dipwad going 40 on the highway, and the giant monster truck behind me is riding my ass without buying me dinner. Funny thing, my foot seems to magically lift off the accelerator at that time and we just coast…coast…coast…somewhere around 30mph. For some reason they always end up changing lanes.

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 5:18 am

They have bumper stickers out there, and as soon as my gramma’s eyesight is in the shitter, I’m buying one.

http://www.cafepress.com.au/+ride_my_ass_bumper_sticker_donkey,144565271

Also, Googling ‘ride my ass’ bumper stickers….
possibly ruined me for the next two hours. Hello, no more productivity at work.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..To Call The Police, Or To Let The Whore Make Money…

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I think adding a donkey to that bumper sticker lends connotation with a donkey show. May or may not be what they were going for there.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm

@Rebecca: I am the worst about riding someone’s ass–but only if there’s no one in front of them. There’s a pretty good chance you’ve done this to me.

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 5:23 am

In Canada, it gets cold. Nipples freezing off and grown men turning into little girls kind of cold. I grew up here, I generally get through most of winter in flip flops (seriously).

What I love most is when the first snow hits, and EVERYONE has forgotten how to drive in the frozen substance. On the highway? Better plan for an extra 30 minutes because mom-and-pop up ahead have decided to only go 80km/hr in the 100 zone.

I understand the need for safety, but when the snow is melting ten minutes after the sun rises, going slower than that lady on Gilmore Girls crossing the crosswalk, not necessary. It makes me want to attach a plow to my car and gently guide the citizens to where they need to go (or at least out of my path).
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..To Call The Police, Or To Let The Whore Make Money…

Jaclyn September 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Don’t be a metric-using whore. Everyone hates logic, therefore everyone hates the metric system. MILES PER HOUR 4EVA!
Jaclyn recently posted..The Teething Monster

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Listen. I have to deal with all your American-ness working nights at a hotel, give me some leeway here.

I also have to deal with the fact that I have yet to find any funny Canadian bitches.
Where dem girls at, yo?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..To Call The Police, Or To Let The Whore Make Money…

Jaime September 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

<~~ funny Canadian bitch!
Jaime recently posted..crazy people……… myself included.

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

High five!!!!!!!!
(I also think I’m funny, but that has yet to be confirmed. My Canuck-ness is a sure thing,though.)

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I don’t discriminate based on country of Origin. ARE YOU CALLING ME A RACIST, NINJA?

Front Desk Ninja September 20, 2011 at 1:05 am

I have been far too busy dealing with the drunk toddlers tonight to properly stalk the League….
*Are* there some Canadian Funny Bitches?
I need hope my country isn’t so stoic and full of Jean Chrietien’s…. help a sista out, yo.
Please.

Jen September 19, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Although I’ve taken some issue with Canada’s contributions in the past (Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, standard time zones, salted ham) you DID give us Nathan Fillion, so for that may I offer up a hearty thanks. That boy is 31 flavors of YUMMY.
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 9:56 pm

We also gave you Ryan Reynolds.
And hockey. You cannot tell me that hockey players are not absolutely delicious. The things they know how to do…..
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..To Call The Police, Or To Let The Whore Make Money…

Jen September 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Oh Dear Lord Jesus on a Gordita, I didn’t realize you gave us Ryan too. All I can say is “Oooooooooohhhhhh Canadaaaaaaa!” Y’all (yes, proper spelling) know how to grow some tasty young men in the Great White North.
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Front Desk Ninja September 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm

You’re welcome.
Ryan Gosling, as well.
Crazy, Stupid, Love. is by far one of the better movies of this year, imo.

and I was hoping to get your permission to use that phrase “Oh Dear Lord Jesus on a Gordita”. I snorted coffee, and I feel it’s only polite to share that level of funny with others.

Jen September 19, 2011 at 11:06 pm

It is ALLLLLL yours, my sistah. ;-)
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:54 pm

@Front Desk: We have the opposite problem here. It’s pretty rad living in Dallas when a blizzard hits because if there is even 1 inch of snow, the grocery stores will sell out of bread and there will be riots and shit and it is fantastic. Until you have to drive. And then, those motherfuckers still think it’s cool to go 112 mph on the fucking highway in an ice storm.

Front Desk Ninja September 20, 2011 at 1:03 am

Oh, there are still the assholes who decide when 3 feet of snow (you’re WELCOME for using your measuring system, Jen) fall in a matter of hours that their tiny little Bug can still take the highway at 130km/hr….

But I’m more annoyed with the dickwads who decide an inch of snow is cause for panic.

Places it does not normally snow, I can understand the freak out. But here, where our seasons are mainly just waiting for the snow to come and steal our souls, one expects the driving to be at least at par with the conditions. Clearly too much to hope for.

Also?
It snowed tonight here.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Changes

Misty September 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Where I live, snow is a usual occurrance, but except for this past winter, blizzards are rare. Still, we get snow. You wouldn’t know it from the drivers though because they also clear out all grocery stores of bread, milk and toilet paper (how much are they planning to shit during this storm?). Along with the fact if there is even one flippin’ snowflake on the ground, people think it is snowmageddon and will drive 5 miles an hour down the highway. My god people, move your asses. This is what a “flurry” is. Drive!
Misty recently posted..Dinner time is my Vietnam

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

It’s kind of comforting to learn that no matter where you are in the world, everyone drives like assholes in inclement weather.

Hoody Hoo September 19, 2011 at 6:29 am

“handless, severely depressed lemur covered in baby oil.” How did you know what I wanted for my birthday? I will also accept a pinata full of knives, but I have plenty of pictures of Mike Tyson’s butthole.

Seriously, though… I recently had the joy of watching Chuckweasel (who grew up further out in the sticks than I did) try to navigate a dark, windy backwoods road at night… and let’s just say, thank the Baby Jeebus for anti-lock brakes! He has lost his “bitching about MY driving” privileges for at least a month!
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Oh F**k, Pilgrims

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:56 pm

He’s in the mail. I’ve strapped knives to his nubs.

I once got to witness Adrian try to 4 wheel in an Infiniti. It was magical watching the rather colorful strings of curse that he shouted that day. Good times.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:44 am

I can’t help but feel that a picture of Mike Tyson’s butthole might have actually helped as a translation prop during his bit in the Charlie Sheen roast tonight. Seriously, I think he gave up English for Lent a few years back and nobody told him to claim it afterward.

Must be the bits of ear still stuck in his gums, making his words so hard to understand… That shit is like overcooked brisket, man… the cartilage will displace your crown and cancel out linguistic acuity.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Jen September 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Best line at the whole roast?

“You know what Charlie Sheen and Bruce Willis have in common? Ashton Kutcher is filling both of their old slots.”
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:04 am

I’m pretty impressed at this point that Mike Tyson can still string together sounds that resemble words in a sentence format. Most boxers have the intelligence of a 2-year-old at the end of their careers.

Lady B September 19, 2011 at 9:16 am

Sweet hookers alive It’s like you and I are driving in the same car.

Yesterday I contemplated purchasing a shotgun in order to help rid the world of morons who are confused as to what those weird blinky lights on either side of their cars are for.

Or fuckers on their bicycles who swerve into and out of your lane when the limit is 60 and they are going approximately 4 – thus rendering passing them impossible.

It’s like Darwin is BEGGING me to ram into you with my giant Suburban.
Lady B recently posted..I’m so, so sorry. Feel free to slap me next time you see me.

HeatherRose September 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

From the fucker on the bicycle – if you werent too busy raping the Alaskan wilderness so you can drive your giant Suburban, you could actually watch out for us and pass us with the legally required (yes, legally. required. fucker.) 3 feet cushion. You idiots can’t operate a turn signal – I can’t exactly trust you with my life.
Also, I am really fucking slow, but that’s because I tend to fall off if I go too fast. Sorry about that.
HeatherRose recently posted..Getting a massage is just one long sexual metaphor

Non-Crisped Texan September 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Heh, depends on where you are. I mostly drive my little toyota milage car, and I’ve come really close to tagging a few of the cyclists that drive their cars out to where I live to ride thei bicycles on our 1.5 lane (on avg.) roads. Bonus points for when I come around a 15mph blind curve doing, GET THIS, 15mph, and there’s a bunch of those carbon fibered dildos riding in single file in the middle of my lane. Once in a while somebody tags one, but it you can’t ride safely in a 15mph zone around cars that are doing 15, well, take the fookin’ iPod earbuds uot and ride your god damn bicycle. My road taxes pay for these roads, asstoon people’s taxes do not, as they are in a DIFFERENT COUNTY, and I’d rather my savings didn’t end up going for a lawyer and their burial. Not that I’m ever bitter about it…bad enough having to worry about hitting a deer going to check my mail, and then these clowns started showing up about 2000 or so.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:00 pm

I do have a lot of sympathy for bikers in cities–they always have bicycle lanes, but the bicycle lanes are always filled with cones and construction and assholes parked in really expensive cars, and then the cyclists get ticketed for riding in the road or on the sidewalk. That’s some bullshit. I think they’ll get out of our road when they can have one, too.

Non-Crisped Texan September 20, 2011 at 1:47 am

FWIW, I do not live here on accident:
http://tinyurl.com/4y5cd6z

Do you see a welcome mat? I do not see a welcome mat.

I chose a strategic location where nobody would even drive past my land.
Note that it is not a City. I have a bicycle. I don’t go and ride back and forth in front of people in asstoonz, after using a motor vehicle to get the bicycle in there. I’ve lived in Chicago and SF, among many places, and I’ve even been run over by a bicyclist in Amsterdam TWICE.

…Then people try and martyr themselves when I’m trying to check the mail…it’s vexing. Whole idea was to avoid suicidal bike messengers.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:05 am

I applaud most cyclists, because try as I might, I fucking suck at riding bikes. I don’t have the balance for it. I didn’t learn to ride a bike without training wheels until I was 10 years old. Adrian is a fucking boss at biking, but he’d have to strap me into one of those child bike trailers if he wanted me to join him.

Non-Crisped Texan September 21, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I like bicycles, I just don’t like the people that think riding around here on 1.5 lane roads in the middle of their almost lane on the twisties is very good for my nerves.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

@Heather: I will always leave that cushion if you can promise you won’t careen into my sidepanels while I’m stopped at a red light. Baffling.

Heather Rose September 20, 2011 at 8:39 am

@Noa I certainly try to avoid pinballing off of solid objects. I’ve already had one very unfortunate run in with the concrete – apparently you should avoid diving onto it face first. Especially if you once liked the shape of your nose. Go figure.

Also, getting doored – when some idiot parked next to a bike lane lacks the common sense and general good breeding to LOOK before opening the car door – is probably more dangerous than just getting sideswiped by a car.

I’m riding a shiny, baby blue comfort bike – it’s kind of hard to miss. Is getting to work .2 seconds faster really worth endangering my life and being a complete douche face?
Heather Rose recently posted..Getting a massage is just one long sexual metaphor

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

I love that you ride a comfort bike. Not enough people ride those anymore. Way to fucking go, Heather. You’re awesome.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 10:57 pm

@Lady B: I almost ran down a biker last week when I was traveling safely down the road and he come flying out, perpendicular to me, from in between 2 parked SUV’s. That sombitch saw his hipterlife flash before his hipstereyes that day.

Angie Uncovered September 19, 2011 at 9:27 am

Dear Left Turn Lane FuckerUpper,

You are 1.5 car lengths behind the line. You may think this keeps you safe, but it also keeps the turn arrow light from being triggered. Do NOT fucking glare at me from your rear view mirror or have the audacity to flip me off when the ONLY fucking way the rest of us get to turn is by you pulling the fuck forward. I will continue to inch forward until you wise the fuck up. DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!

Sincerely,
The Bitch You Wish Would Get Off Your Ass
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Collecting People- Not a story about skin suits

Carrie September 19, 2011 at 10:15 am

People who act like they are being frugal by using every. single. inch. of the entrance ramp/merge lane. This is not the same as that last bit of mayonnaise at the bottom of the jar or the toilet paper attached to the end of the roll. Then, they just fucking drift into traffic like a toddler not holding hands with an adult.

My dad was a traffic engineer and cool as a cucumber. One of my clearest memories is being in the passenger seat as a kid, getting on a highway. We were behind some leisurely merge lane sight-seer and he said: “GOD DAMMIT! When you start driving, you SPEED UP AND GET OVER.” I figured if it was enough to make my dad get that openly pissed, it was an important lesson to remember.
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Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:03 pm

In Amarillo Texas, the I-40 highway runs right through the middle of town and is the main thoroughfare for the entire city. It also has entrance ramps that are about 4 feet long. In Amarillo, the citizens feel that merging is a personal challenge, and get on the highway going approximately 35, and will immediately aim for the left lane. Then, when it’s time to exit, they fly off the highway going 125.

Amarillo is a deathtrap full of ramp-frugal dickheads.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

@Angie: AMEN, MOTHERFUCKERS. I totally forgot about that one–that shit drives me up the fucking wall. Just…just pull forward one or two feet, and we’ll all leave a little faster, ASSMUNCH.

Jen September 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

IF YOU: Have more than 7 pieces of politically correct “flair” on your hybrid…
I WILL: Cover each and every one with either a “Right To Life” or “Palin For President” sticker.

IF YOU: Pedal your retro Schwinn fixie in the middle of the street, right next to THE FUCKING BIKE lane. . .
I WILL: Give you a lesson in physiscs. Question 1: 12 lbs. of malleable metal vs. 3500 lbs. of fine German engineering = 1 patchouli-scented crimsonn stain on the road.
Jen recently posted..The Tao of Chuck

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:05 pm

I think it’s safe to assume that almost anyone with almost any kind of flair on their vehicles needs a good kick in the ass.

Jen September 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Amen, my sistah from anutha mistah.
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:07 am

That’s where the box of dildoes come in. “Oh, look at your sticky political views! WANG TO THE FACE.”

Front Desk Ninja September 20, 2011 at 2:49 am

So we won’t be seeing any League of Funny Bitches bumper stickers?

Cause I could get behind (teehee) that kind of sticker on my car.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:07 am

If you’d like to identify yourself as a Leaguer, carry a box of dildoes in your car. It’s the way of things.

Britt September 19, 2011 at 10:09 am

<3

My otherworldly creature exploration phase was pretty messy.
*Apparently* the Easter Bunny is still considered an 'animal'… awwwkwarrrrd.
Britt recently posted..How to Build a Posse

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:05 pm

He’s a tricky one, that Easter Bunny. He tricks you with candy.

Misty September 19, 2011 at 10:30 am

Well, if you were a lemur with no hands, wouldn’t YOU be severely depressed?

The fuckers that try to turn left from the right hand lane. While I am in the left hand lane going straight. Really? Oh, I’m sorry, am I just supposed to disappear so that I am not in your way? Obviously it is my fault that I am obeying the traffic laws and also, please do flip me off and yell at me so loudly that I can hear you even with the windows closed on both our vehicles. It is entirely my bad, dear sir.

Oh, and the ones that dart in front of me while I’m in the fast lane and insist on going 5 miles under the speed limit. Yes, I will continue to ride your ass until you get over or get the point and speed up. I am not in my car to take a scenic drive. I have been in my car for about an hour already and really just want to get wherever I am going right now. Move.
Misty recently posted..Dinner time is my Vietnam

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Especially if I were covered in baby oil.

The people who dart into the left lane assuming it’s the safest place to be just fucking baffle me. I remember taking driver’s ed and being taught even there that the left lane was for faster moving vehicles, and was not just there so you could evenly distribute the dickery.

Misty September 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

“. . . so you could evenly distribute the dickery.” Priceless. And? Fucking exactly!
Misty recently posted..Dinner time is my Vietnam

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:08 am

You made my day.

Non-Crisped Texan September 20, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Somebody forgot to tell the people that engineered MOPAC, being as the regular clusterfucks on MOPAC and on surface streets are due to not being able to decide what side entrance and exit ramps are on.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:08 am

I think it’d be more conducive to natural selection by making entrance and exit ramps drop randomly in the middle of the highways.

Non-Crisped Texan September 21, 2011 at 1:15 pm

They do that with the entrances to the underground level streets in downtown chicago. Get in the wrong lane and suddenly you’re underneath downtown. Weeds out the tourists from people that have lived there. That said, I used the underground streets a LOT when I lived there, as the traffic is minimal in comparison, the cops are few, and that’s where the famous billy goat tavern is that belushi made famous, cheezborger cheezborger and all that.

Off topic, but it was a good place to get breakfast or breakfast burgers with breakfast beers or whiskey, as they run from 7am-2am. Usually some news and sports writers that just got done turning in their story for the day, since it’s right down from the Tribune service entrances. Pretty cool people to drink with at 7am, if you ever get a chance.

Jaime September 19, 2011 at 10:49 am

yes THANK YOU!!!!

I am with you .. and will help you along your campaign .. I’ll even send scans of my right boob to help you along with your quest.. if you like. Or whatever else you need, cuz those asshole drivers make me want to stab them with a spork.. preferably a titanium one.
Jaime recently posted..crazy people……… myself included.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Do they make titanium sporks? Because I absolutely need one. Or 40.

Non-Crisped Texan September 20, 2011 at 1:54 am

Yup, I even have a few of them, I like titanium, OK? ///but I’ve never used them to pluck out people’s eyes after they cut me off in traffic. Oh wait, you didn’t ask that. Nevermind. where’s the erase button? Anyway, these are the best of the breed in workmanship, and they even work in a nice knife edge on one side of the fork end. Reckon that makes them sporknifs or something. Work nice.

http://tinyurl.com/dk795g

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

You’ve just changed my life. You don’t even know.

Heather Rose September 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

DC Cab drivers: just because you’re undocumented and Allah protects you in your country, does not mean we all want to go collect our 40 virgins just yet. Stop at the fucking traffic lights, or I’ll show you what a jihad is really all about.
Heather Rose recently posted..Getting a massage is just one long sexual metaphor

Jen September 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Praise Allah! You are the wind beneath my fucking wings, Heather. :)
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

She does that to people.

Non-Crisped Texan September 19, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I have a funny for you. ’bout 2006 or 7, I was visiting a friend in Silver Spring. I’ve lived in actual cities and spent time in the biggest of them, I’m rural by choice, but I know how to get around. This West Indian cab driver was idling along at about 1.2mph in one of the taxi circles and he was about 25 yards to my left, so I was quite comfortable jaywalking in front of him. No problems ensued, but when he went by me he yelled at me for walking safely far in front of him. I pointed out the Policeman near by and said, “Yeah, I jaywalked. YOU are driving at 9pm with no headlights or parking lights. Shall we see who gets the ticket?”

Then he shouted at me as he drove off. I guess he was impressed with my knowledge of lighting on taxicabs and was congratulating me. Roger Miller restaurant is a good feature of Silver Spring, the Caribbean cabbies, not so much. I would like the good food part without the stoned idiots in cabland.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I’m gonna go ahead and call that the cops are probably more interested in what had to be at least 6 lbs of weed located somewhere in the vehicle than you committing a kindergarten crime.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

@Heather: The closest I have ever been to death was in a cab in Dallas. I once had a man put a knife to my neck, and I was less scared then than I was in that fucking taxi.

Heather Rose September 20, 2011 at 8:53 am

My boyfriend and I were in a cab once, heading down to the Kennedy Center to see a play. There was another cab in front of us going kind of slow, so our driver decided he needed to ‘teach the other driver a lesson.’
That lesson involved jumping a curb, swerving maniacally into oncoming traffic while running a red light and screaming “You mess with me, I teach you LESSON!”

I was like “well, at least I’m going to die in a cute dress. STOPWITHTHELESSONS!”

I might take a knife to the neck over that, too.
Heather Rose recently posted..Getting a massage is just one long sexual metaphor

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

Do you have to have a certain crazy quotient to drive a cab?

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:46 am

Wait wait wait wait…

40? I thought it was 72?

Fucking recession…
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Heather Rose September 20, 2011 at 8:48 am

Ahahah. Way to call me out for my complete lack of knowledge of other religions, Kella. And by that, I mean it’s totally Obama’s fault. (That’s who we’re blaming these days, right?)
Heather Rose recently posted..Getting a massage is just one long sexual metaphor

Kella September 20, 2011 at 11:05 am

Oh! No, Heather, I wasn’t trying to call you out. lol. That was my after-midnight attempt at self-deprecation…which apparently comes as highly-recommended as feeding your Mogwai after midnight. With similar results…

And I’m very unpopular on Twitter: I voted for/play devil’s advocate for Obama fairly regularly. I think that makes me grand poobah of the “death panels” or something. I don’t know for sure, since Sarah Palin won’t return my calls.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:11 am

Everything is always Rick Perry’s fault. Peanut butter not chunky enough? Fuckin’ Perry. Bombs? Fuckin’ Perry. Didn’t orgasm? Goddamn Rick Perry.

Becca September 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

As per the usual, I am cleaning coffee off my monitor. Thank you, really.
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Becca September 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Also, people need to learn how THE FUCK TO DRIVE, or simply stay off the road, because that shit is annoying. In my next life I want to be the person at the DMV that passes people on their driving test, just so I can tell someone, the FUCK You aren’t getting a license shit head. It’s called a god damn blinker! Ahhh…. one can only hope.
Becca recently posted..I’m Going to Have to Spank You….

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm

If I were president, I would immediately implement 2 new laws.

1) All positions in congress have a 4 term limit. If you’re not done by then, you weren’t worth keeping.

And

2) Everyone, no matter what, re-takes the written and driving portion of the driver’s test. Creates new jobs and keeps our roads safer. It baffles me why this has not been a law already.

Misty September 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Here here to #2. I cannot understand this either. Especially when I see older citizens who can barely see over the steering wheel and have glasses so thick they can barely see the road, yet are always ALWAYS driving some ancient behemouth of a vehicle, while swerving and going a steady 15 miles under the speed limit. I keep thinking there should be an age limit where you have to retake the test, and then again every 10 years or so. Someone call Congress and make this happen!
Misty recently posted..Dinner time is my Vietnam

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

YES! Every fucking 10 years, from age 16 on, you must re-test. Really, if you’re 80 and you’ve been driving since you were 16, that’s way too long to forget all the laws and basic human decency.

Amy September 24, 2011 at 12:13 am

Wow- I’m glad that I’m not the only one who gets the extreme road rage. The two things that absolutely make me crazy (er) are slow fucking drivers in the fast lane who refuse to get over despite the 2 mile long line of cars driving bumper to bumper behind them and the assholes who try to cut into line at the last minute to avoid waiting like everyone else in said line. Those people have earned a special place in Hell. Oh, and the testosterone-laden retards who speed up when you try to pass them because they are oh-so-macho and goddamnit, NOBODY passes THEM, especially a woman. Whatevs, loser. I guess that giant fucking pickup truck isn’t helping you enough with those feelings of inadequacy, is it? Maybe I’ll unload some of those little finger-condoms in your truck bed the next time you’re parked at Advance Auto Parts.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I FUCKING HATE THE LANE JUMPERS. Fuck those people.

Kelly September 19, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I swear, I need to start carrying a flame thrower with me for the next dicksmack who drives as far as they can in the lane that is about to be closed for road construction and EXPECTS people to fucking let them in – people who actually PAID ATTENTION to the signs and aren’t COMPLETE FUCKING SHITSACKS. And yet, they let them in! I actually think the letter-inners make me more angry. It’s like I turn into a mama rhino whose baby was just stolen by poachers when people fuck with me on the road. And YES, this is me, who you’re staring at, who is eating a burrito, driving with one knee, and checking facebook all at the same time, and I STILL DRIVE BETTER THAN YOU.

Boom goes the dynamite.
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Jaclyn September 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

It’s like that in NJ at the toll boothes on the Parkway. If you don’t have EZPass you already know you have to get to the right so don’t expect me to let you into the front of the line I just waited 10 minutes in because you think you are super important. I actually find myself screaming like a lunatic at these people “NO FUCK YOU- WAIT LIKE I DID YOU COCKSUCKER!”. Rage. This shit is unacceptable. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE???
Jaclyn recently posted..The Teething Monster

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:15 pm

We just got cashless tolling in Dallas, and you’d think that the matrix just fucking opened up on the Tollway. Not a goddamn person can read the sign that says KEEP MOVING WE WILL BILL YOU. Not a one.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm

@Kelly: I just love the people who clearly see the signs and still try to get up and around you. I live right next to a huge construction project in which they have taken over 2 of 4 lanes for the better part of a year, and every Tuesday and Thursday, a Honda Fit will try to cut me off there, though he LIVES IN MY BUILDING and I SEE HIM TWICE A WEEK, and every Tuesday and Thursday I straddle the lane to keep his ass where he belongs.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:58 am

I told my husband that, for my 29th, I want a hood-mounted harpoon launcher.

And a bazooka, in case they’ve got deflective plating on their rear windshield.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

I imagine you in a smart car with a harpoon on the front, and I like that.

Tazer WP September 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Driving in LA. Shudder.

The people who dart in and out of traffic while going 95MPH and barely missing front bumpers as the squeeze into the 6′ of room I give between the car in front of me because, you know, we’re going 80MPH and you motherfuckers keep slamming on your brakes!

Bite my ass.
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Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I have never driven in LA, and mother of God, I hope I never have to.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

Which is why I’m always home.

Of course, I live in the O.C. now… which some would claim is an entirely different planet.

After all, we have our own housewives… and I plan to find out where each and every one of them lives, as soon as I have my hood-mounted harpoon launcher installed.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

Ugh. I love California, but I would kill myself if I had to drive there.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I hate when people stop 500 feet behind the car in front of them at a red light, esp if they are blocking the lane to turn right by doing so. I want to ram their car with mine until I effectively push them out of my way then I want to go back and beat their car with a sock full of pennies.
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Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:16 pm

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT? I have never figured it out, and it is the strangest thing I have ever seen.

Jaclyn September 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Calling people cunts and dicks is the only thing that helps when I’m in traffic. It’s always a sarcastic “thanks cunt” or “everyone hates you” from me. But I’ve got to tell you, I might just adopt that cheesesteak thing. Because I love the idea that they might think (?) I’m deranged. Maybe twice a year put a cheesesteak in their mailbox too so they know I know where they live.
Jaclyn recently posted..The Teething Monster

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I’m in traffic so much lately that I’ve run out of creative names, and have begun to have one sided conversations with the assholes.

“Oh, isn’t it special how you think I’m going to let you in now, even though I can clearly see there’s only one of you in that car and you’re in the HOV lane? Awww, that’s cute.”

“It’s pretty sweet how you just slammed into the left lane by zooming across 6 lanes. I’m also super glad you’re going 45. I was going 80, but I guess 45 is cool too.”

Jen September 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Words/phrases I have learned from my fellow bloggers:
*”Sweet hookers alive”
*”Christ on a crouton”
*”Twatwaffle”
*”Cum-guzzler”
*”Dicksmack”
*”Fucktard”
*”Asshat”
*”Shitsack”
*”Douchenozzle”

God, I love you people. It is as though the Mother Ship has called me home.
Jen recently posted..Keep Calm and Carry the @#$% On

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Welcome. We’re fun here.

Front Desk Ninja September 20, 2011 at 1:12 am

you forgot cum-bubble.
I still snicker at that one.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

HRRCK.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:48 am

I like to invoke the wrathful nature of the Ravenous One-Armed Zombie Jesus.

I find its approval rating rivals that of W in his last year of office.

Good enough for me.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:14 am

I met FonzieJesus yesterday.

Kella September 21, 2011 at 10:54 am

Great… Now i’m picturing the last supper at the diner from Happy Days.

‘EYYYYYYYY….

wagthedad September 19, 2011 at 2:18 pm

What I absolutely fucking HATE is that people always concentrate on the violent bastards filled with road rage. Usually it’s the negative shit, too, like when they follow someone into a parking lot and then ram them against a dumpster after they’ve gotten out of their car, or when someone gets all pissed off and starts pelleting another driver with fireworks.

WTF.

They always make it sound like the person committing acts of road rage is at fault. This is like when you were in school and somebody punched you in the eye, so you bit them on the nipple, and the teacher sees that, and you get into trouble. When the whole time you were minding your own business.

Road rage is a reaction, albeit a poor, childish one, to something some stupid or aggressive fuck did first.

So why is it nobody talks about the stupid/aggressive drivers when EVERYBODY knows who they are?

Thank you, Noa, for having the courage to post this.

Where you go, I follow.
wagthedad recently posted..What A Cigarette Craving Really Feels Like

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I love that you just praised my courage at this, because that’s absurd and it made me smile.

And I’ve honestly never thought about how one-sided that shit is. I’m going to be honking and shouting like a mofo when I get dangerously cut off, but I’ll be at fault for having road rage, and not the bitch who damn near killed me.

Well now I’m all indignant and have to call my congressman.

Dan Perez September 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

One word: Badass.
Dan Perez recently posted..5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Your compliments never fail to make my day.

Non-Crisped Texan September 19, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Around 3:30-4pm weekday too close to the heathens in asstoonz. There was a rich bitch of some sort in the left lane WAY behind me and it’s 4 lanes plus a center turn lane and I needed to go left. She must have been 35-40 yards back from me. I put on my signal to get left and into the turn lane and when I started to ease over into the left lane (I thought) and then the middle lane, she stomped on the throttle of her nazi death machine (CLS 550) and punted me back in my lane to get in the left turn lane too.

We were turning onto a road that’s posted at 45 or less the whole way and is usually a lot of 30ish because it goes past a school and such. So after almost hitting me to prove she wished she had a penis, she’s stuck in a 30mph parade in front of me on her way home to one of the new obnoxious gated communities. She got to spend the rest of her trip home with me in my K series riding up on her ass and flipping her off. Hope it was worth it to her. Stupid bitch damn near hit me.

Outside of an occasional show and a few places to eat, I still say we put a moat with gators and piranhas around asstoonz with machine gun nests and razor wire outside the moat to keep all those numpties where they belong instead of fooking up my god damn hill country.

That was a couple months ago and still makes me marginally angry to think about, as she gained nothing but possible having one of my 38.5s run over her fooking head.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:21 pm

I will give credit that Denton does a really spectacular job of creating some of the worst traffic ever. The main highway suddenly whittles from 4 lanes to 2 once you cross city lines, the speed limit drops a full 10 mph, and most entrance ramps dump into the left lane. Denton in an experiment in natural selection.

Non-Crisped Texan September 20, 2011 at 1:59 am

The baffling part was her trying to cause an accident on a mostly open 4 lane divided highway with a center turn lane, just to get not at all ahead of me on the road of slow, as it’s a barely 2 lane. Like the female version of the jock at a college bar that wants to keep nudging you just to point out that he can.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:18 am

I thought of this yesterday when I was behind a very very old man in an Altima who was going 50 in a 70 in the left lane. He refused to get over, and the other 3 lanes were packed, so imagine my surprise when he decided to jump across 4 lanes, scraping the bumper of a 4-Runner who WAS IN THE PROCESS OF SLOWING DOWN WHEN THE ALTIMA RAMMED BY HIM. He never looked, never bothered to see if there was anyone near him who he might kill–he just said, “fuck you all,” and went.

I honestly am surprised that no one died.

Misty September 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

Maybe he was just ready to go and figured if it was his time, he wanted to die in a fiery crash and take everyone on the highway at that time with him. He was a Kamikaze Geriatric Daredevil.
Misty recently posted..Fried, fried and more fried

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Kind of awesome now.

a September 19, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I have to sheepishly admit that I have accidentally pulled some asshole traffic maneuvers. Sorry, everyone I’ve accidentally cut off!

That said, I believe that license plate numbers should actually be a phone line directly into the car, so you can give that idiot in front of you (or behind you) an on-the-spot critique of their driving.
a recently posted..Now that some time has passed, I can calmly tell the saga of my computer. It’s a long one.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Let’s be real–we all fuck up sometimes. We’ve all been that person who didn’t check the blind spot, or jumped out in front of someone too quickly, or cut someone off either out of necessity or idiocy.

I am the worst about riding someone’s bumper–I give my brakes too much credit, and it makes me kind of an asshole.

Andi September 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I’m one of these people. I consistently forget to turn my turn signal off. Look, just ignore me. I’m sorry, I’m driving around the world to the left today.

On the other hand, the drivers in the school carpool lane send me into a foaming rage. You know, the ones who block the right turn lane when the light is green because they need to get into the left lane and it’s full. Look, turn right first THEN worry about moving over into the left lane. That’s the procedure. Also, your kids do NOT need to be dropped off right the fuck in front of their classroom. Drop them off at the hill like the rest of us and make them walk. They’ll get some exercise and build some independence, and we can all go home a hella lot faster. Just don’t follow me unless you’re turning left too.
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Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

AMEN. I used to live near a school, and it never ceased to amaze me that the cars would park 3 deep on an active road waiting on their kids, without any regard to the fact that perhaps that’s the only road that leads to my apartment complex unless I want to ramp off the highway like the Dukes of Hazzard.

Andi September 19, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Didn’t it ever strike you as odd that people who presumably love their children would make them walk through active traffic? Because I’ve seen that and….it gives me pause. Just saying.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:21 am

I think there’s a special kind of entitlement that comes with being able to park 3 deep and let your kid wander through moving vehicles.

Jackie G September 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I grew up in Virginia, where I-95 is like a motherfucking training track for driving. It’s like survival of the fittest on that fucking highway – if you don’t know what’s happening, you will probably die.

Now I live in the most ridiculous state ever (South Dakota) who decided it’d be a great idea to let kids start driving at the age of 13. THIR-FUCKING-TEEN. I’m assuming its because they figured only about 5 people lived here and no one would notice. BUT I NOTICE. Like today when a 13 year old at a stop sign didn’t look both ways and pulled out in front of me, making me slam on my brakes and forcing all my expensive school shit to fly around my car. I laid on the horn as soon as she started to pull out, AND SHE KEPT GOING. And then afterwards pulled over to the side of the road to sit there, probably to re-evaluate her god damn life and if she values it. Or to make sure I couldn’t follow her to her destination and shank her. Whatever.

Moral of the story – if you are 13, you should probably be reading Tiger Beat and bedazzling your Justin Bieber shirt, not operating a motor fucking vehicle.

Non-Crisped Texan September 19, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Doesn’t really make much difference. If you make them weight longer it’s a 15-17yo that does the same thing. One of the people that lives out sorta near me has a 15 year old kid, almost 16 now, that’s been driving him around for a couple years and is way safer than dad. His dad scares me. He’s one of those people that needs glasses but won’t wear them. Road with the kid when he was 14, road with the dad, I’ll take the kid driver every time ;-)

Non-Crisped Texan September 19, 2011 at 5:47 pm

NEAT. ADD and highly compensated dyslexia are still at work. I’m proud of that post :-(

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Some kids are probably totally fine at age 14, but the vast majority? Idiots. Let’s be real.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:26 pm

I wrecked my first car at 14, and I did so in the most spectacular way possible–on a dirt road with my radio up too loud. I lost control of my car going too fast, and slammed into a tree so hard I broke the drive shaft in 3 places. Colorado wanted to raise the driving age to 18 a while back, and I was so for that law it wasn’t even funny.

Non-Crisped Texan September 20, 2011 at 2:10 am

I have you beat, I wrecked my MOM’S car when I was 15. I didn’t wreck my Mercury. Station wagons are somewhat lacking in handling when doing smokey and the bandit stuff out in a field. Wasn’t on public roads, though. I was safe on public roads. And I had some REALLY GOOD EXCUSES. If they had engineered the suspension better, what happened in that ditch might not have happened and no front wheels would have ended up pressed into the firewall. I blame my mom for that one, because she supported substandard automotive engineering.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

That’s pretty goddamn impressive. At least I only wrecked my car.

Margaret Goerig September 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

“Eat a gallon of poppy seeds, then go to your job in the middle of the night, upend your boss’ desk and pee over all of their stuff. ”

I am so proud of you right now.

In other news, I got passed in a parking garage a few months ago in San Diego and it’s not like I deserved it, either, like I was braking every three cars to almost pull into a spot and then not, or something like that. I was probably going a steady 17, so the only thing I could think of that I was doing which might have pissed my avenger off was that I was not driving 46 miles per hour but, ya know, we were in a PARKING GARAGE.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Margaret Goerig September 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Comment Luv, will you drop it already? I turn you off and then there you are again, like motherfucking Waldo. There is no love between us anymore.

Margaret Goerig September 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Oh. Maybe I didn’t turn you off that other time.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I also really love this pitiful plea to CommentLuv.

Margaret Goerig September 19, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Was it pitiful? Shit. I was going for nonchalant, like “You can’t rile me, C Luv. I just OVERlooked you.”

No?
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Margaret Goerig September 19, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Jerk. Tryin’ to get the last word, he is. Stupid sunset.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

It’ll never let that sunset die.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I’M LEARNING!

In my garage, we have mirrors all over the fucking place that are specifically placed so that you can see if someone is coming around that blind corner at you, and I’ve been nearly T-boned no less that 12 times in the 6 months we live here. Love it.

Margaret Goerig September 20, 2011 at 12:00 am

Yes. You. Are. And I smell a Fox News after-school special: “Parking Garage Death Traps.”

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

It’ll be Obama’s fault, too!

Charile Dubs September 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Don’t drive in central Illinois where stop signs are optional. No one stops to wait their turn, they pull up, pause and then decide it’s magically their turn no matter how many cars are there. I’ve almost been t-boned at least a dozen times.

And don’t get me started on turn signals.

Yes, I am that bitch who yells and gestures at you when you drive like a fucktard.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Illinois: We have no more fucks to give about anything, especially driving safety.

Charile Dubs September 20, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Sad but true. Have you experienced rush hour in Chicago? The only fucks given are the ones yelled out the window.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

HAH! Excellent.

Mamy September 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Worse than fellow drivers are the backseat drivers’ who ride in my grocery getter. Nothing chaps my ass like “Go, go GOOOOO!” through a red light or “Do NOT let that fucker in” as he leans over and honks MY horn while I’m going 84 miles an hour down the highway OR “Keep driving around til we get a front row spot” at Walmart. On Saturday. On Black Friday.
Mamy recently posted..Visual Aids for Teens.

Mamy September 19, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Oops…meant on Saturday or Black Friday.
Mamy recently posted..Visual Aids for Teens.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I’m glad to hear it’s not just my husband who has a weird thing about parking. Adrian will drive around a lot for 30 minutes looking for just the perfect spot when we could have been done already. More than a few times, I’ve had him drop me off so I could get started while he parked, and I was done and back outside before he found a spot. Drives me crazy.

blondie September 20, 2011 at 9:15 am

Oh ho ho. Anyone rider who honks MY horn, while I’M driving, deserves a karate chop.

blondie September 20, 2011 at 9:16 am

sorrie for the exccelentt pruf-reeding

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

There’s a lot of that going around on this post’s comments. I think it has something to do with the rage.

Myth September 19, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Every time my mother asks me if I want to drive, I tell her “I don’t fucking think so,” because my driving is absolutely terrible and I know it is. I spend every waking moment behind the wheel convinced that I am going to a.) run over someone’s kid/dog/grandmother, b.) do something really idiotic that totals our car and kills me and/or my mother, or c.) not be able to react fast enough when someone in front of me does something really idiotic, resulting in an accident that totals our car and kills me and/or my mother. So far none of these things have happened, though I did ALMOST run over someone’s grandmother once. (Admittedly, I was going maybe five miles per hour because it was the Wal-Mart parking lot. I just forgot that I’m supposed to STOP for pedestrians. Still, the look she gave me suggested that she wanted to sew me a quilt out of barbed wire and broken glass and then make me eat it.)

My mom says that I at least have an excuse: inexperience. I guess she has a point, because it seems like most asshole drivers are not asshole drivers because they’re stupid. They’re asshole drivers because they’re assholes. I can’t exactly prove it, but I’m pretty sure if you care whether or not you’re being an asshole, you will end up not being an asshole. This tends to be the case with most things. Or, if you’re like me and simply fail at driving, there is at least the I’m-sorry-to-be-a-twatwaffle-on-wheels-and-hope-your-grandmother-recovers face. I make that face a lot.

And for the record, you’re not just hallucinating. Or if you are, so is my mother. I think the only reason I ever agree to drive is because, when it’s Mom driving, our trip is heavily profanity-laced. Amusingly, my mom is sort of a chatterbox, so she’ll be going on about the groceries or something, and then someone cuts her off and she pauses only long enough to scream “Nice turn signal, pissnozzle!” before cheerfully resuming the previous conversation.

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Consistently assholey drivers are either just straight up assholes, or they’re distracted assholes, either texting or talking on their phone and putting my life on the line to chat with Nana. I don’t blame you for being terrified of driving. It’s not exactly fluffly pillows and rainbows out there.

Heather Heartless September 19, 2011 at 10:42 pm

To save myself from flying into an uncontrolled rage, I will merely post this warning.

The retail value of your car determines the amount of defensive driving I’m willing to do.

Rusted piece of shit: I will drive through that cluster of old people to avoid you.

Mercedes: I might not try so hard.

USPS/UPS/Fed-Ex: I’m not going to try at all.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Lazy Bitch

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I love everything about this comment.

Everything.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:54 am

I put a sign in the back of my van:

I have a toddler, so I’m going to drive cautiously.
However, my car is a tank. I’m also heavily insured.
Unless you want to test all of Newton’s laws at once, back the hell out of my ass.
Because fuck you.
:)
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

I hope you write, “because fuck you,” on all your harpoons.

Aubrey Anne September 19, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Just found your blog from Absolutely Narcissism/Dan Perez. Laughed so hard I cried. (My grandma has made me cry… but to my knowledge, never laugh.) Will definitely be checking back in again.
Aubrey Anne recently posted..My First Kiss (or: Embarrassing stories from my adolescence)

Noa September 19, 2011 at 11:34 pm

FUCK YES! I’m so glad you found me! I hope I can keep you laughing.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 1:51 am

I grew up in SoCal, but learned to drive in Tulsa, OK. God help me. I thought they were bad because they would take four miles to change lanes. Once, hand to Ravenous One-Armed Zombie Jesus, I saw a woman swerve into my lane DRIVING WITH HER GODDAMNED TITS while lighting a cigarette and putting on her fucking eyeliner.

I never wanted to punch a midget baby so hard in my life.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Myth September 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

That is both terrifying and infuriating to think about, and yet, at the same time, I would pay money to see that. If you can drive with your tits, that is talent… albeit what kind of talent is debatable, and one that other people may or may not approve of.

Kella September 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

If they’d been prehensile, I might have had the basis for some quick, sensationalist cash by selling the story to a daytime talk show.

Or the plot for a trashy pulp novel.

Honestly, these days, who can tell?
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

I now have a new goal in life. Tit-steering.

Charile Dubs September 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Ravenous one-armed zombie Jesus?!?! OMG , can I use that?!

Kella September 20, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Absolutely.

Please remember your humble benefactors when you strike it rich on the sacrilegious stand-up circuit.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Heather September 20, 2011 at 8:18 am

The worst example of road rage I saw was at a tollbooth. I reached the toll and it looked like a parking lot – so slow moving. All of a sudden I realized (along with several other cars) that my toll lane was not open, so I had to merge into another one. I slowly (real slow, like, no one was moving that much), I merged into the lane to my left.
And I merged in front of the craziest fucking nutbag of a woman I have ever seen.
She immediately started honking, and stuck half of her body out her window to yell at me. I assume it was because I got in front of her non-moving car rather than the non-moving car behind her.
Did I mention WE WERE NOT MOVING?
She continued to shriek and honk until we got through the tolls (which was awkwardly lengthy, what with everyone not really moving and all). After that, she made a point of speeding like mad to get next to me on the highway. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, so I turned and smiled and waved. This sent her into a crazy fit and both her hands came off the wheel to flip me off. She was double flipping me – which I guess was warranted because I delayed her at the tollbooth by 30 seconds.

Normally I follow people until they stop so I can enlighten them about their assfoolery, but I left this crazy bitch alone.
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Kella September 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I had a tollbooth operator staring down my shirt while I was paying a toll.

With my husband in the car and a million honking fans behind me, I proceeded to give him my “phone number”: the number to a confidential coming-out-self-help line.

He hasn’t bothered me since.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

I saw a most spectacular toll booth fuck-up on the News in Dallas recently. To get into DFW airport, you have to go by some tollbooths, and they have concrete barriers out front to protect the booth operators in case someone is out of control.

Well, some bitch got shithoused and went to go pick her mom up at the airport, and slightly misjudged the distance from the tollbooths, so she rammed into the concrete barrier going 80.

The barrier did an amazing job and instead of killing her and everyone else nearby, it ramped her Acura over the tollbooth, and was caught on camera. There’s nothing quite like seeing an Acura soar over a tollbooth.

Monica September 20, 2011 at 9:01 am

I watched a no-talent ass clown scream across three lanes of traffic to make a left turn in Brooklyn the other day. Oddly, I wasn’t even angry. It was more like stunned awe.
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Kella September 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Oh, they do that here in Lake Forest. As my new roommate told me when we moved in, three weeks ago, it’s the unwritten “rule of the road” here, in lazy suburbia.

Of course, those suburbanites must take synchronized Red Bull enemas around quittin’ time, because I’ve never had so many soccer moms question my parentage at once for stopping at a 4-way crossing before…
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:31 am

I had that yesterday with an Old Man in an Altima. I have a lot of awe for people who can soar across so many lanes without ever looking.

mep September 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I hate every fucko on the road, pretty much. Get out of the gd left lane unless you’re actively passing someone. The other day I passed someone on the right because they were left lane cruising, WHILE driving between two signs on either side of the highway that said “Slower traffic keep right.” If you drive in the left lane, you’re either a complete moron or an asshole… you either somehow fail to realize you’re not supposed to just sit there in spite of numerous signs and pop culture jokes thus making you a fucking moron, or you just don’t give a fuck about anyone else and thus are an asshole. HATE.

I also hate the people who try to cut in front of everyone, either in construction when a lane is ending or just a regular road with a lane that ends. A few months ago I was at one of those and a fat middle aged guy pulled up clearly hoping to skip the line. I gunned it because FUCK YOU wait in line like the rest of us, and he really really tried to beat me but couldn’t. I of course started cackling gleefully. He pulled up next to me at the next light and started sarcastically yelling “Ohhhh you’re soooooo cooool, that was really cooooool” and it’s like, YOU fucking instigated it you cuntwad. You can’t insinuate that I’m petty when it was YOUR game to begin with, you sore ass loser.

God damnit I hate people.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:31 am

We all do. Welcome home.

Dangerboy September 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

I obviously suffer from a dearth of pinatas filled with knives in my life. I guffawed. Not laugh, not titter, fucking full on guffaw.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:31 am

I know what you’re doing for your birthday now!

Jen September 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Oh shit, I am totally the shallow bitch applying her makeup in the car. But if I am going to meet my maker on I-5 then by Christopher Walken I am going to do so properly glossed, Goddamnit! Jesus loves you more when you’re pretty.
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Kella September 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm

The I-5 and I-405 cuntmuffinry is well-documented. I’m fairly certain I’ve seen less skullfuckery on Jersey Shore.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

If I see you do that, I’ll gently guide you off the road with a tire iron.

Jen September 21, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Just don’t smudge my mascara while you’re doing it, and I will be one happy cuntmuffin.
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nadine September 20, 2011 at 6:30 pm

my dream is to one day be wealthy enough that I can afford a car a day and just rear-end people all I want. Fuck those fuckers.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:35 am

You can practice for now with bumper cars.

Steve D September 20, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Do cops ever drive? I mean, to get someplace. Because nobody who actually drives could say stupid things like “speed kills.” Really? Driving into a bridge abutment at 70 will kill me? Put the bullet back in your shirt pocket, Barney. I rarely see hazards from speeders but I can’t get 100 miles from home before I lose count of the dangerous situations created by slow drivers. Slow drivers aren’t safe. They’re inattentive, confused, disoriented, impaired, or have poor reflexes.

My favorite is the guy who waits until the last minute to merge even though everybody else did a mile back. I’d like to see the cops (usually just sitting there like bumps on a log) pull these guys over and make them wait until traffic clears before letting them back in.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

I will never forget this time I got pulled over when I was 19. I was going 50 in a 45, and the cop that pulled me over shouted in my face, “MA’AM DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING? DO YOU KNOW THAT EVEN I CANNOT CONTROL MY VEHICLE AT SUCH HIGH SPEEDS?”

Perhaps I should not have responded, “You can’t control your car going 50? Aren’t you a cop?”

Misty September 21, 2011 at 12:07 pm

“Slow drivers aren’t safe. They’re inattentive, confused, disoriented, impaired, or have poor reflexes.”

Here fucking here to this. I drive fast. There I admit it. However, I am probably one of the safest drivers you have ever seen. It’s because I driove so fast . . . I have to fucking pay attention or I will probably hit something and die. I only weave if I have to and I safely can (no rubbing bumpers or getting somewhere 1/2 second faster), but I can definitely be agressive.

But it’s the fuckers who are cruising along on a Sunday drive and are all tentative and shit that usually are the ones in accidents. If you are going to merge, change lanes, exit, turn . . . whatever, JUST FUCKING DO IT. Once you have decided to make a move, you must move!! Do not slowly inch along to wherever you have decided to go because OH MY GOD WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS!! Just be decisive and everything will be ok. Damn.
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Myth September 27, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I’ve begun to understand this myself, because it’s the reason I’m such a terrible driver. I can’t help but freak out every time I’m behind the wheel, and it’s not even an obvious sort of freakout, but my hands shake and I’m checking the speedometer every two seconds because I don’t know how to keep the car going the speed I want it, and I drive with both feet because I can’t bear not having a foot on the brake… etc. And I’m so busy being acutely aware of the fact I don’t know what I’m doing, that I end up missing or forgetting something important (such as, “Please stop for the pedestrians,” I don’t think my brain even acknowledged there were pedestrians in front of me) or I’ll fuck up what I was supposed to do and then try to “fix” my mistake instead of just rolling with it. My mom once chewed me out something fierce because I’d gotten halfway past the parking spot I was aiming for and PARKED THERE ANYWAY. I had barely half an inch of space between me and the car to the left; I came really, really close to damaging our car or theirs or both.

Steve D September 20, 2011 at 8:45 pm

And absolutely everything Dave Barry says about Florida drivers is true. I’d see a light turn green half a mile ahead and when I got there, cars were still going through one at a time. “Oh wow, man, it’s so GREEN. What do we do now?”

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

Waiting on another shade of green.

MsJake September 22, 2011 at 8:02 am

People who slow down for the green light, like it is going to skip yellow and go right to red at any second.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 9:04 pm

WHAT IS WITH THAT SHIT? I saw a guy dead stop at a green light yesterday, and waited for the red. Fucking. Weird.

Steve D September 25, 2011 at 11:41 am

Guilty at times. There are intersections I’m so used to getting red lights I sometimes get flustered at green.

Rebekah Mae September 29, 2011 at 8:15 am

Holy shit, do you live in virginia?! because this sounds EXACTLY like our drivers. Especially when it comes to merging in shitty traffic jams. (I once had a guy look right at me, RIGHT AT ME, and refuse to let me in when my lane was ending in like…100 feet. WTF?)

Oh and do your drivers at least know how a four-way stop sign works? Because mine don’t.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

No, in Texas, we don’t believe in 4 way stops.

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