Funny Bitch Friday: BlogHer Voices of The Year

09/02/2011 · 44 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

At BlogHer a couple of weeks ago, I got to experience what it’s like to be a really special kind of prostitute. I got to sprint a mile in a very tight dress and very cheap heels through a very nice hotel to say some really terrible things in front of a lot of people.

Oh wait, THAT’S EVERY DAY FOR ME.

But this one was special. I wasn’t just running away from a Drag Queen after too many shots–I was LEGIT this time, y’all. I got voted to be one of the Humor Voices Of The Year. You bitches really think I’m funny. I’m touched. And a little wheezy.

Walking into a room full of 14 very classy ladies while I’m sweating from the nipples and breathing like a COPD patient was not how I’d really like to have made my first impression, but considering I was there to say the word, “Twatwaffle,” loudly and into a microphone, it was kind of fitting.

And these 14 women were some of the coolest bitches I have ever had the pleasure to meet. They were a wonderful mixture of irreverence and sharp wit and beauty and concern and awesome and nice boobies. We each stood up and said our piece, and there were lots of hugs and tears and laughs and some dancing, and I kept thinking, “Man, I really wish everyone could hear these speeches. They. Are. Amazing.”

Well fuckers, here you go. For this Funny Bitch Friday, I’m bringing you the best round-up of awesome there is. Go grab some tissues, cause you’re gonna need ‘em.

DISCLAIMER: I want you to know that these videos have been–stretched–we’ll say, giving some of us the appearance of, as Alexandra’s children put it–Tijuana Hookers. We’re hotter in person. I swear. 

Alexandra, from Good Day, Regular People

(Who is so adorably nice I want to tuck her in my pocket to compliment me all day.)

Cecily Kellogg from Uppercase Woman

Annie Urban from Ph.D. in Parenting

Lori O’Hara from In Pursuit of It All

Darryle Pollack

Diane Lang from Momo Fali

Kate Inglis from Sweet Salty

Stacey Conner from Is There Any Mommy Out There? 

Eden Riley from Edenland

Britt Reints from Miss Britt

Bon Stewart from Crib Chronicles

Jenni Chiu from MommyNaniBooBoo

Kristen Chase from Motherhood Uncensored

I read somewhere in the middle, but the BlogHer supplied video doesn’t display the pictures quite right. And also, I look like shit in that one, and you can’t see me in this one. (the one taken by Liz from FiP, who facilitated basically everything about that weekend.) If you look real close, you can see me smack myself in the face with a radio antenna. God, I’m classy.

Oh Good, You Saved Your Bullshit

YouTube Preview Image

PS: If you’ve never been to BlogHer, I hope you get the chance to at least once. It’s really something else–I can’t even accurately describe what it’s like, because it really is just that awesome. Go. You won’t regret it.

Favorite Comment from The Last Post:
From Norway: “My prehistoric fire monster and I bond over our shared passion for finding the Loch Ness Monster and chicken flambé.”

 

Tazer WP September 2, 2011 at 12:51 am

Oh, Noa.. sharing the world’s awesomeness one day at a time.
Tazer WP recently posted..FYF: Laws that should be…

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:33 pm

My mission will never be complete.

Dead Cow Girl September 2, 2011 at 12:54 am

Love the way you swing that thing… ;-)
Dead Cow Girl recently posted..The We Vibe: It slices! It dices!

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I learn from the best.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 2, 2011 at 8:19 am

I didn’t know it was possible to sweat from your nipples…I’m both perplexed and intrigued.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..F*ck You Fridays

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Both disgusting and possible,

Heather Heartless September 2, 2011 at 8:41 am

Ignoring the “How awesome is this shit?” and the “Way to go, Noa!” thoughts, my mind immediately zeroed in on “Please don’t let her sound weird.”

So, congratulations on not sounding weird and shattering my dreams. You actually kind of sound like Allie Brosh and this makes me happy.

But I’m still slightly heart broken over the fact that no one has my voice. That sometimes Kermit-y, probably stoned sounding accent with a strong emphasis on Southern that takes short trips into Brooklyn and back to the 3rd grade when I thought I was from Compton. Inglewood, Mother Fuckers.

Thank you for being just as funny out loud.

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Oh thank God. I think I have a really weird voice, so I’m very grateful that I don’t sound douchey to you.

Johi September 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

I didn’t get the watch the entire video because I knew better than to turn up the volume with my children in the same room, but my favorite part was the grey haired lady on the left side of the room. I think I saw her visibly cringe when the first f-bomb dropped, and because I have problems, that makes me happy.
Your voice suits your (written) personality well. I’m so happy that you didn’t sound like a Muppet.
Johi recently posted..More Love for You and I

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I heard an audible gasp when I dropped the first Fuck on ‘em, and it was all I could do not to laugh out loud when they did that.

Rebecca Rhielle September 2, 2011 at 9:03 am

I. Love. This. That is all.

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Thank you!!

Jen Reinmuth September 2, 2011 at 10:29 am

I need to abandon my children and go to the next Blogher because there is a sad, sad lack of snarky, politically-incorrect bitches in P-town. I feel as though the Mother Ship is calling me home…
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..This is how we decorate at work

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Plus, there’s bags and bags of free shit to be had. SO MUCH SWAG.

Becca September 2, 2011 at 11:48 am

You are fucking hilarious. Also, LIZ is fired from camera woman duties. She is still welcome to come to Circus School.

:)
Becca recently posted..I’m Getting Pretty Fucking Old…..

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:36 pm

You should see the original video. Liz did an amazing job compared to what I look like in the BlogHer one.

Lab Rockstar September 2, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Thanks for providing a nexus of funny ladies, Noa.

Why do you think so many funny female bloggers blog about being mommies? As a non-breeder, the leaky-boobs-and-nommy-baby-feet-style posts lose my interest quickly. Being a three toed sloth, now that’s something I can relate to.
Lab Rockstar recently posted..Dance your Ph.D., 2011

Jen Reinmuth September 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Agreed. I’m a mom, but 90% of the time my kids aren’t all that fucking funny. Unless they walk into a wall or fall down the stairs, ‘cuz that shit is comic gold! And just because I have kids doesn’t mean I give a rat’s ass about other people’s kids. Other people’s kids annoy the crap outta me.
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Edward Cullen is Gay

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:37 pm

I ask myself that same question a lot, and the answer I keep getting is, “So I have something to do to distract me from killing my kids.”

Also, proud to meet a fellow sloth.

Norway September 4, 2011 at 2:09 am

Wait, you guys are sloths as well? Cos I SERIOUSLY need help learning how to sleep upside down in trees. I fall out of my branch every freaking time.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Secret’s in the toes.

Jen Reinmuth September 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Thank you for this hearty serving of fucking awesomeness. And thanks for making everyone in my office wonder why I’m sitting at my desk cackling like a coked-up hyena. Snarky women are rad as shit, yo!
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Edward Cullen is Gay

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:37 pm

You are rad as shit.

Misty September 2, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Thanks a fucking lot Noa. I only got through 4 of those bitches (the videos, not the ladies . . . I only insult the ones I know and love!), but I am sitting at my desk at work (yeah, so! What the hell else am I gonna do today?) and crying like a goddamn baby. I am gonna watch the rest tonight, because crying at work is a no-no. Plus, for some reason the one video that won’t work at my job is the one of you. So I will peruse later and get back to your ass about how awesome the entirety of these things are. Bitch.
Misty recently posted..Welcome to the Jungle

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:38 pm

I’m sorry. I tried so hard to warn you! I forced myself to be cool before I went up on stage–MomoFali’s post almost had me in tears before I had to go up there.

Misty September 4, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Ok, so after a full review of all of the videos, I would have to say that these rock. Also, I snuck over to the BlogHer site to look at the video of you as well, and I don’t know what you are talking about, because you look fucking smokin’ in that video. Are those 10 inch heels? Whatever, you are hot. Oh, and funny, but we already knew that. This really makes me want to go to this next year, regardless of the obscurity of my own blog. I would just want to be there to experience all of these amazing women in person. Hysterical, heart-felt, soul-wrenching, thought provoking, all of it. Thanks for sharing this!
Misty recently posted..Welcome to the Jungle

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:42 pm

You just made my whole week. Thank YOU.

addtova September 2, 2011 at 5:13 pm

sometimes I feel like the women who write these awesome blogs like you and the bloggess and all the other bloggers who go to cool conventions are my secret long lost best friends, and then I realize that I’m that creepy weirdo who totally has fangirlcrushes on a ton of bloggers and that is just weird. But seriously it is like people on the internet just get me…..
addtova recently posted..Bittersweet (no not chocolate)

Jen Reinmuth September 2, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I ‘heart’ you, Tova. And not only because you hate “Twilight” and like to stalk bloggers on the internet. . .but that’s a very big reason. :)
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Edward Cullen is Gay

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:39 pm

To some degree, BlogHer was like coming home–It may be more so for others than myself (comedy blogging–atypical). But to be around so many like-minded people was amazing.

Norway September 3, 2011 at 4:24 am

OH MY DEAD WIZARD GOD. That is my name up there. I never in a million years saw that coming. The desire to be classy and not say anything, or for me to simply thank you is comlpletely negated by my ridiculous joy. Excuse me while I go celebrate.

And I think I love you even more after watching you deliver your… Speech? Speech. It was totally awesome.

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I loved your fucking comment, and so did Adrian when I finally started breathing again after reading it and told him what it was.

Norway September 3, 2011 at 4:25 am

Congratulations on getting to say “twatwaffle” into a microphone in front of so many people. This is now a personal goal of mine.

Heather Heartless September 3, 2011 at 9:02 am

Being the mental health case that I am, I went for my yearly assessment yesterday and got the guy to quote me saying “twatwaffle” in it.

Check that goal off the list.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

Norway September 3, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I tip my hat to you, ma’am. That is indeed something to be proud of.

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I love both of you so hard.

Alexandra September 3, 2011 at 10:14 pm

OK:

Why did you NOT say the most hysterical thing about your reading?

MUST I TELL IT?

OK, I will:

PEOPLE: this hilarious brokethemold whogivesashit woman used a CAR ANTENNA as a pointer. And she nabbed it off a car the night before!!

True dat. Word. And all the other things the kids are saying now.
Alexandra recently posted..Party Invites Don’t Matter

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I’m trying to put out a classy image here, Alexandra. CAN’T YOU TELL?

Alexandra September 3, 2011 at 10:15 pm

P.S. I think I’ll call my VOTY post “Charlie Brown’s the Great Pumpkin Comes Early this Year” (and that would be me in orange)
Alexandra recently posted..Party Invites Don’t Matter

Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I looked like someone smacked me in the face with a frying pan. Pug in a Grey Dress.

Angie September 4, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Thank you so much for sharing these! What an amazing group of women! This is going to sound a bit like a movie review… because it’s uh… well it’s a movie review. I laughed. I cried. I was taken aback by the incredible pool of talent!
Angie recently posted..Saying What You Mean

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Thanks for the glowing review then!

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 5, 2011 at 6:31 pm

These ladies were truly amazing. I use that word loosely for you, of course.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..It’s my birthday. I’m locked in the bathroom.

Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:43 pm

You use the word, “loose,” around me a lot.

BA-DUM-PSH.

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