Folk tales and fables are around to teach us lessons. They’re here to remind us of our humanity, the feelings of others, and to keep children from being raging assholes as they morph into adults.

Most children grasped the lessons of the stories well.

I, however, was a total jackass as a child.

Goldilocks and The Three Bears

Lesson Most People Learned: Respect the privacy and property of others.
Lesson Noa Learned: Breaking and entering is A-OK and leads to partying with bears. Who doesn’t want to party with bears?

Little Red Riding Hood

Lesson Most People Learned: Be careful who you trust.
Lesson Noa Learned: Wolves need hobbies–they’re complete assholes with too much time on their hands to think up unnecessarily complicated plots involving genderswitch to catch prey.

Hansel and Gretel

Lesson Most People Learned: Don’t stray from the path.
Lesson Noa Learned: If you’re going to eat candy from strangers, you’d better be ready to whip some witch-ass to get out of there.

The Ant and The Grasshopper

Lesson Most People Learned: Work now, relax later.
Lesson Noa Learned: Grasshoppers are the Pauly Shore of the bug world.

The Pied Piper

Lesson Most People Learned: Always keep your promises.
Lesson Noa Learned: Never trust men with flutes–just like the 2nd arrest made in Law and Order: SVU, the flute playing dudes are always the child creepers.

The Princess and The Pea

Lesson Most People Learned: Never judge someone on appearances–you never know who they could be.
Lesson Noa Learned: Sleeping on frozen veggies can and will make you into royalty. Someone go grab me that brick of broccoli, I have some crowns to wear.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Lesson Most People Learned: With certain risk comes reward.
Lesson Noa Learned: Gambling Addictions pay. Trading all you have–while on the very doorstep of being utterly destitute–for some magic beans can change your life, so gamble away, motherfuckers!

Did I miss any fables/stories/cave paintings? Did you learn something fucked up from fairy tales, too?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Heather Heartless: “To save myself from flying into an uncontrolled rage, I will merely post this warning. The retail value of your car determines the amount of defensive driving I’m willing to do. Rusted piece of shit: I will drive through that cluster of old people to avoid you. Mercedes: I might not try so hard. USPS/UPS/Fed-Ex: I’m not going to try at all.”

 

Hoody Hoo September 21, 2011 at 6:29 am

I can’t remember the name of it, it was “the Minstrels of Someplace” or something along those lines… and it was this bunch of farm animals who for some reason had a travelling band. Which taught me that all animals can play instruments if given half the chance, a theory later reinforced by “Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.”
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Dear Sweet Mama September 21, 2011 at 8:37 am

It was the Musicians of Bremen. It should also have taught you that animals can do amazing balancing tricks. Probably one of the reasons “circus performer” turned up on your test for what careers you should consider when you were in high school.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:55 am

Adrian was told he needed to be a trash collecter or a mortician. And to think, I could have been a mortician’s wife.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:54 am

@Hoody: It’s somewhat disconcerting to know that animals can become hipsters, too.

Steve D September 25, 2011 at 11:32 am

“Which taught me that all animals can play instruments if given half the chance”

No doubt the inspiration for Bear Country USA and Chuck E. Cheese. You should have patented the concept.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Fuck Chuck. He’s one scary bastard.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 21, 2011 at 7:31 am

Snow White….dwarves are evil and will probably touch your boobs while you’re passed out from a roofied apple.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:56 am

And the song…Hi Ho. They’re calling her a ho the whole time. Little bastards.

Jen September 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

She WAS a ho! Why do you think the dwarves were always so Happy and Sleepy?
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Did you know in the original story, she’s 12?

Jen September 22, 2011 at 1:31 pm

(((shudder))) Pedophilia AND midgets? That is eerily delicious. . .
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Steve D September 25, 2011 at 11:34 am

Before Disney, all those Grimm tales were, well, grim. They were meant to scare the bejeebers out of die Kindern.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm

And they did such a good job. Now, they just feature horrific displays of racism.

Crystal @ PoM September 21, 2011 at 7:31 am

The Three Little Pigs – not only do wolves need hobbies, but a bored wolf is persistent. Also, only buy brick houses.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:56 am

I always wondered what the straw-housed pig was thinking. Was he high at the time? That had to be the only way in which building a straw house was a good idea.

Carrie September 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Also, live day to day basing what you will and won’t do on your chin hair. And if you don’t want to be a slave to your chin hair, shave.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:00 pm

If I had only known it were that easy, Tijuana never would have happened.

a September 21, 2011 at 7:55 am

Funny – I thought the message from Hansel and Gretel was that your parents hate you and want to drop you off in the woods.

Also there’s The Tortoise and The Hare, where the message I got was that smug people (or animals, as the case may be) are annoying.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

Hansel and Gretel are basically a children’s version of Die Hard–live for yourself and kick some ass on the way.

How could I forget the tortoise and the hare? I learned from that one that it’s cool to nap, as long as you wake up before the turtle and get your shit done.

Jen September 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Wait. . .so, leaving my kids in the woods is a BAD thing? Oh shit. . .
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Only if they don’t have breadcrumbs.

Dani September 21, 2011 at 8:13 am

Puss In Boots:

All I took from that story is that if you are wearing thigh high kick-ass boots, your pussy will rock.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

I’m so glad I read this one in class. People are staring at me. THANKS A LOT, DANI.

Dear Sweet Mama September 21, 2011 at 8:39 am

Anything from Disney – stepmothers are evil (and I am one, so I take major offense) and if you love your mother, she will either die or go to jail or both. Miserably.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:59 am

The nice bitches are always getting the shaft in fairy tales. In the original Little Mermaid, Eric marries someone else and Ariel kills herself. Why the hate?

Heather Rose September 21, 2011 at 8:44 am

Rumpelstiltskin: When in doubt, lie, cheat and sleep your way to the top.
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Noa September 21, 2011 at 9:59 am

That explains so much about our government. So much.

Susan, Super Earthling September 21, 2011 at 9:19 am

Just found you through Dan Perez’s “5 Badass Women Bloggers You Should Be Following” post. The man was definitely right! :D This post was awesome and I look forward to reading more.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:00 am

Well excellent, Super Earthling. I hope I can keep you laughing!

Eric September 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

The Three Little Pigs – Clearly written after a trailer park tornado.

Or poorly performed oral sex.

One of those.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Let’s be real, if it involves trailer parks, it involves both of those.

Jen September 21, 2011 at 10:38 am

Hilarious!!

Did you see this article? It’s about the real fairytale origins…horribly awesome.
http://listverse.com/2009/01/06/9-gruesome-fairy-tale-origins/

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I love Listverse so much.

I also love fucked-up fairly tales so much. So, so much.

Kelly September 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

Cinderella: Glass slippers won’t shatter and cut your feet into a bajillion pieces.

Snow White: Fruit is bad for you.

All others involving a princess: Where the FUCK is my fairy godmother/genie/magical entity who will make all my dreams come true? Thanks for instilling my horrifically bad attitude by crushing all of my dreams that I had as a child, Walt Disney. Not only will all my wishes come true, animals don’t talk. This is why Disney should pay for my meds, seriously.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:06 pm

The logistics of the glass slipper were always confusing to me as well. That fairy godmother was a lying bitch.

Britt September 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

“”There Was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe” taught me:
If you see an old woman living in a shoe, she’s probably a whore and hasn’t heard of condoms. And she will probably beat you.

Life lessons, my friend.
Britt recently posted..Meet Keith: He Probably Eats Poop.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Bitch didn’t close her legs and now lives in a shoe. Let that be a lesson for Sex Ed.

Tazer Warrior Princess September 21, 2011 at 11:25 am

Cinderella: Being a shit to your stepsiblings will leave you with missing toes.

Rumplestiltskin: It’s OK to bargain away your firstborn child for gold, as long as you learn the art of eavesdropping.

Alice in Wonderland: Sure, go ahead, drop acid. It’s fun!
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I just had to do a literary critique about The Snow Baby, in which a father takes his wife’s love child to the market (after she claimed she’d gotten knocked up by eating a snowflake) and sold his ass into slavery. Then, the husband told the wife he melted. Kids get dicked around a lot in fairy tales.

Jen September 21, 2011 at 1:17 pm

THE LITTLE MERMAID: Shut the fuck up and give him some tail and your prince will come. . .but hopefully not prematurely.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:09 pm

No no, you gotta NOT have the tail. No one likes a fishy crotch.

Amy September 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Old Woman in the shoe
Learned: Don’t have so many children, shut your damn legs.

What we really learned: She gave them very little and whipped them when whined about it. She sent them right to bed, the bitch enough time to get drunk while the candle light still lasted.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:10 pm

The Old Woman in the Shoe was the predecessor of Maury and TLC.

Jen September 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Got a sudden and disturbing image of Michelle Duggar and her cavernous vagina.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Do you think you can hear the Ozarks if she doesn’t cross her legs?

sowakeup September 21, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Rapunzel: Never cut your hair. Freak out at the mere suggestion.
Rip Van Winkle: Fear sleep. Every time you wake up from any amount of sleep, belligerently grill everyone to make sure twenty years haven’t passed.
Cinderella: No one will every love me because my hooves are so fucking big.
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sowakeup September 21, 2011 at 1:56 pm

ever*

Good thing fairy tales also taught me that I could be stupid as long as I was pretty.
sowakeup recently posted..Alli-oop! And Then My Ass Exploded

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I wanted to comment on what you had actually said, but instead I read your CommentLuv recent post and thought, “Wow, there couldn’t have been a better post to end this comment with.”

Well done.

wagthedad September 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

What I learned from fairy tales was that evil stepwomen are the source of all the world’s problems, that the men who marry them are all insensitive idiots, and that if you can’t totally afford them, it’s OK to take your kids out in the middle of nowhere and abandon them.

Oh, and kidnapping and slaughter are ok if the person deserves it.

And also you shouldn’t trust queens, old ladies or midgets.

Thanks Grimm Brothers.

P.S. I didn’t know Pauly Shore was still alive. Fuck yeah.
wagthedad recently posted..Don’t Pray For Me

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Do you think if the Grimm Brothers would have undergone psychological therapy, the tales may never have existed?

Andi September 22, 2011 at 1:25 pm

The tales were already around. All the Grimm brothers did was collect them and write them down. You can find other versions with slightly different endings all over the place because fairy tales are almost always passed around by word of mouth.

Our current equivalent = urban legends. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy and his girlfriend who parked in a lonesome spot to make out? Yeah, don’t do that.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Well motherfucker. We’ve been fucked up since time began, then.

Andi September 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

The fairy tale that stuck with me was from a German book called Struwwelpeter — it was the story of a little boy named Conrad who couldn’t stop sucking his thumbs, so some tailor came along and chopped them off with giant scissors.

I guess you were supposed to learn not to suck your thumb, but since I didn’t suck mine anyway, I mostly learned to regard tailors with fear and awe. And I’m really, really careful with my scissors.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Why is amputation the answer to an unreasonably large amount of fairy tales?

Johi September 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Any Disney Princess movie: The man of your dreams is dreamy only because he is someone that you met just once, sang a song with and really don’t know anything about. You actually just projected a shit ton of what you THINK he is onto him and only after you marry him will you discover that he scratches his balls, never washes his hands and farts in bed. And they lived happily ever after….. *cough*bullshit!
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

When I watched Disney movies as a kid, I thought, “Oh wow, how magical,” and now when I watch them I think, “Well that’s just impractical. What if he’s got the herp?”

Jen September 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Oh Holy McFlurry, have you seen the Disney Princess Wedding Dress website?

http://www.alfredangelo.com/disney/

And the copy in the ad campaign goes all-in with its “Your fairytale awaits,” headline. Yeah, the fairytale of marriage awaits you, ladies and gents. Complete with this forgetting-to-close-the-door-while-she-shits princess. Dreams really can come true!
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Johi September 21, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I lost every bit of snarkiness when I saw the Ariel and audibly gasped. I want to get married again just so I can wear that. I’m dead fucking serious. Does anyone know Hugh Jackman’s home number?
Johi recently posted..Should the man kill the bug?

Jen September 21, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Dude, I am aaaaaaaaaallllll over the Sleeping Beauty gown! When Nathan Fillion finally comes to his Canuck senses and proposes I am set. OMG! Double Wedding!?!? “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAL!!!!”
Jen recently posted..Jenny McCarthy Is The Antichrist

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

1-800-Jack-My-Dick

HeatherRose September 21, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I’m SO getting married in the Ariel dress- after I obsessively brush my hair with a fork, of course. And then I’ll spend the rest of my life hoarding crap in a cave. My boyfriend thanks you for this, Jen.
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Jen September 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm

If I ever head down the rainbow-spattered-glittering nature trail to Hell known as matrimony again, I’m dressing as Ursula the Sea Bitch.

Bitter? Oh, a tad.
Jen recently posted..Jenny McCarthy Is The Antichrist

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I feel like a crazy person right now. Why?!

Noa September 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

@Jen: I used to be a bridal consultant, and Disney was the bane of my existence then. “How do you want to look on your wedding day?” “LIKE A PRINCESS!” “Yeah, you and 400,000 other women.”

Jen September 22, 2011 at 1:01 pm

The last real princess I heard about was an alcoholic bulimic who wound up as a crimson stain on the inside of a tunnel. Sounds like a real fairy tale, all right.
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Norway September 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Well there is Tangled… Tangled was a kick-ass movie. It also taught me to also go for the player/bad-boy/liar type, but most teenage girls knew that anyway. So I repeat: Kick. Ass.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Let’s just list out the bad things in Tangled, shall we?

–Trust Strangers who break and enter
–Stepmothers are assholes always
–It’s totally cool to kidnap people
–Fuck the badboys, like, literally fuck them
–He’ll change, I promise.
–Marry that boy now.
–Blonde hair is magical, but brunette is okay I guess.

DISNEY IS NOT OKAY.

Jen September 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Not to mention the fact that he killed off all of the mothers.
Bambi — dead mom
Princess Jasmine — dead mom
Ariel — dead mom
Nemo — dead mom
Snow White — dead mom
Cinderella — dead mom

Walt had some serious, Oedipal issues, yo!
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Norway: DON’T WATCH DISNEY.

I am going to disneyworld for Thanksgiving, so I’m exempt.

The Wannabe Housewife September 21, 2011 at 4:47 pm

To be perfectly honest, you don’t sound like a jackass kid (although you probably were anyway).

The thing about those fairy tales and such is that even though kids should be taking away a specific lesson or moral from every story, they’re fucking kids.

Kids are so uncorrupted and innocent that they just call things as they see them. If I asked my kid “so what do you think Goldilocks and the Three Bears was about?” and the kid responded “oh, it’s about respecting the privacy and property of others” I would probably shit twice and die…or run around the neighborhood screaming “I have the most intuitive 5 year old EVER so suck it!” *insert pelvic thrusting here*

Plus, I like the lessons that you gained from the stories better anyway haha.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I was always a half-step from being normal.

The Wannabe Housewife September 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Being normal is overrated. You more than made up for it in being awesome.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Best compliment ever.

Aubrey Anne September 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Of course I learned some messed-up lessons from fairytales! I watched Disney movies as a child. Hmm… I wonder why I’m miserably shocked with the reality of marriage…?

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Disney is a brilliant propaganda machine. Related: I’m going to DisneyWorld for Thanksgiving.

Monica September 21, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I had a really twisted understanding of the Peanuts gang. I imagined Peppermint Patty and Marcy had a lesbian love affair, and PP was using Chuck to mask her sexuality crisis — until the inevitable suicide pact with Marcy, of course. Lucy was using her mental health business as a front for selling drugs and weapons. I mean, who can afford to be a doctor for a 5-cent co-pay? Pig Pen was her biggest client, because really, that boy had just given up on life. But Snoopy and Woodstock bought a lot of drugs, too. Especially Woodstock — a bird who “flew” all the time, and seemed to understand dog-speak. He was a living metaphor. It goes on.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:24 pm

All of this just made perfect sense to me.

Angie September 21, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Sleeping Beauty- Spinning wheels can be dangerous, but if you’re into men who are into dead chicks it’s a great way to meet someone.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:25 pm

And then your latest post is, “I’m on my deathbed, probably.”

Yes.

Front Desk Ninja September 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Beauty and the Beast- Throwing snow at large animals makes them love you. And it’s okay to be odd and have walls of books as long as you put out. And chipped cups should *always* be drank out of. Not like they’re going to slice your lips open or anything…

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Frankly, I’m impressed they never offed Chip because of his defect. I mean, really?

MsJake September 22, 2011 at 8:36 am

You forget the best one. The Princess and the Frog! Except that everyone forgets the original Grimm Brothers ending. Instead of kissing the frog, she gets tired of his shit and throws him against the wall. Then he turns into a prince.

Less kissing, more domestic violence will put your man right the fuck in line.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:27 pm

A lesson for the ages.

Luda September 22, 2011 at 9:11 am

I didn’t read fairy tales. I read Archie Comics.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I guess now is a good time to say I have 2 huge rubbermaid boxes full of Archie comics.

Jillian September 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Cinderella taught me that all good things end at midnight. Like vodka mixed drink specials.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Where do you drink that Vodka ends at midnight? Because that place is awful.

Jillian September 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Only the specials end at midnight. Then they jack up the price because by this point your drunk ass isn’t looking at how much money you’re spending. On the one hand, it’s evil. On the other hand, I really can’t blame the sober geniuses who decided to build their life-savings around my booze-y college friends. That makes my drinking really altruistic, doesn’t it? This extra beer is helping one more local citizen support his or her family through this difficult recession. It’s my newest charitable venture.
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Noa September 22, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Fucking bartenders and their sneaky tactics.

Jenna September 22, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I like the way you think.

Noa September 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I like the way YOU think.

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm

How do you come up with this stuff? This amazing, ridiculous, funny AND EDUCATIONAL stuff.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I hope you teach your daughter these lessons.

Audra October 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Noa- I’m interested in your take on the Little Red Hen. You know, the one who did all the work while everyone sat on their fat fairy tale asses:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Red_Hen

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I want to come and teach your lit class one day. You could be fired for it, though.

Here’s where I go all ridiculous on your ass: I liken this story to The Prince–I have always wondered it if was well-hidden satire that has been misinterpreted terribly.

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