Folk tales and fables are around to teach us lessons. They’re here to remind us of our humanity, the feelings of others, and to keep children from being raging assholes as they morph into adults.
Most children grasped the lessons of the stories well.
I, however, was a total jackass as a child.
Goldilocks and The Three Bears
Lesson Most People Learned: Respect the privacy and property of others.
Lesson Noa Learned: Breaking and entering is A-OK and leads to partying with bears. Who doesn’t want to party with bears?
Little Red Riding Hood
Lesson Most People Learned: Be careful who you trust.
Lesson Noa Learned: Wolves need hobbies–they’re complete assholes with too much time on their hands to think up unnecessarily complicated plots involving genderswitch to catch prey.
Hansel and Gretel
Lesson Most People Learned: Don’t stray from the path.
Lesson Noa Learned: If you’re going to eat candy from strangers, you’d better be ready to whip some witch-ass to get out of there.
The Ant and The Grasshopper
Lesson Most People Learned: Work now, relax later.
Lesson Noa Learned: Grasshoppers are the Pauly Shore of the bug world.
The Pied Piper
Lesson Most People Learned: Always keep your promises.
Lesson Noa Learned: Never trust men with flutes–just like the 2nd arrest made in Law and Order: SVU, the flute playing dudes are always the child creepers.
The Princess and The Pea
Lesson Most People Learned: Never judge someone on appearances–you never know who they could be.
Lesson Noa Learned: Sleeping on frozen veggies can and will make you into royalty. Someone go grab me that brick of broccoli, I have some crowns to wear.
Jack and the Beanstalk
Lesson Most People Learned: With certain risk comes reward.
Lesson Noa Learned: Gambling Addictions pay. Trading all you have–while on the very doorstep of being utterly destitute–for some magic beans can change your life, so gamble away, motherfuckers!
Did I miss any fables/stories/cave paintings? Did you learn something fucked up from fairy tales, too?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Heather Heartless: “To save myself from flying into an uncontrolled rage, I will merely post this warning. The retail value of your car determines the amount of defensive driving I’m willing to do. Rusted piece of shit: I will drive through that cluster of old people to avoid you. Mercedes: I might not try so hard. USPS/UPS/Fed-Ex: I’m not going to try at all.”