Deep In The Heart Of Bullshit

09/14/2011 · 156 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Texas.

When it’s not actively attempting to murder you with the biggest, scariest spiders that God could think up, it’s trying to create nightmares for you with sexually-suggestive lizards that shoot blood out of their eyeballs. At any given point in the summer time, half this great state is demolishing trailer parks with clouds, and the other half is spontaneously combusting.

Texas, if you will, is putting out cigarettes on its own arm (El Paso, as we call it) just to see your reaction. We’re a state full of hardasses for putting up with all of this bullshit.

And I say, as a Texas Native and current Citizen, that if I’m going to play Russian Roulette with my own life every time I cross state lines, I’m going to request that a few laws be altered or passed to make this state a bit more…livable.

  • If you want to drive in the left lane, you may not be speaking on a cell phone, you may not be texting, you may not be giving and/or receiving road head, and you must be driving at least 5 mph over the speed limit. Punishment for violating this law? I get to rear-end you, and you have to pay for the damages. The left lane is a privilege, and it can be revoked with my bumper up your ass.
  • You may not, at any time, be Rick Perry. Rick Perry, pack your shit–we don’t want it anymore.
  • Every time you misspell y’all, you are hit in the crotch with a bag full of syphilitic beavers. It’s not ya’ll, or ya’all, or yall. It’s y’all. BEAVER SMACK.
  • Right now, it’s illegal to sell alcohol on Sundays before noon in Texas. That needs to end today. If I want to buy beer on Sunday instead of going to church and thinking about how I’m going to Hell because I thought that video of Hitler that was dubbed over with the theme from The Jeffersons was hilarious, THEN I’M GOING TO BUY BEER, GODDAMN IT.
  • New Mexico residents are allowed only 3 visits a year across state lines. You were the one who chose to live in a shitty state, so you should have to stay in it. If your state was so fucking Enchanting, you wouldn’t need to come to Texas, now would you?
  • If you think we should secede, you will be relocated to Galveston Island and emancipated like an emo teen douchebag. You’re on your own, motherfucker. Enjoy the greasy beaches and hurricanes.
  • If your ass/underpants/pubes are visible ABOVE your pants, then not only is it allowed, but encouraged, to pants you in the most hilarious way possible. I prefer a cartwheel approach, followed by a lunging maneuver, and then when your pants are around your ankles, I push you. PULL ‘EM UP, FUCKER.
  • There is never, ever a reason why any car on the road today should need 2 parking spaces in order to safely disembark your baby-tank. If you think your car needs 2 spaces, then it should be legal for me to decorate your car in any way I see fit. Perhaps I’ll key the word cunt on your fenders. Maybe my sledgehammer will look avant garde in your rear window. Either way–you’ll learn.
  • Public and shared disciplining of children should be allowed. If you can’t manage your jackassed crotchling in the frozen foods section, I will do it for you. After 4 potatoes to the face, he’ll rethink his attitude.
  • Should you feel the need to end a sentence in, “I’m just saying,” it should be legal to rip out the pancreas via the belly button, but only if followed with the statement, “I’m just causing massive internal damage in response to your blatant passive aggression.”
  • Trailer Homes must come with a warning printed on the side just like cigarettes, and it should read, “YOU ARE PURCHASING A WHEELED, POORLY CARPETED DEATHTRAP WITH A QUESTIONABLE OVEN INSIDE. THIS BITCH WILL CRUMPLE LIKE AN ACCOUNTANT IN A BAR FIGHT AT THE MERE MENTION OF A TORNADO.”
  • News Crews may only ever interview rednecks and/or nudists and any combination of the two, no matter the story, purely for the amusement of the entire state. Political rally? Nude rednecks. Cat fashion show? Nude rednecks. Superbowl? Nude rednecks. Sarah Palin Nip-Slip? Nude fucking rednecks.
Just when you think Texas couldn’t possibly be more awesome, Dangerballs arrives. You’re welcome, Texas.

What laws would you change or pass if you could?

Favorite Comment from The Last Post:
From Wicked Opinion: “Airport windosck, huh? Does he have a brother?”

 

Christine September 14, 2011 at 2:03 am

I hearby adopt all that for New York (well, except Rick Perry & New Mexico – you can keep that shit for yourself) and add:

Anyone from NYC traveling to any other part of New York “to see how the little people live” and meandering through the grocery store reading all the fucking signs & labels because they are “quaint” are GETTING MY FOOT IN THEIR ASS. If your being an asshole is holding up my life I get the right to end you. Case Fucking Closed.

Jen September 15, 2011 at 11:50 am

Anyone who uses the word “quaint” deserved to get a tazer in their twat. Added to my no-play list are: “lovely”, “grand” and “darling”. No. Just. . .no.
Jen recently posted..Six Degrees of Eating Bacon

Stephanie Harsh September 15, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Shit. I use the word “lovely.” I’m fucked.
Stephanie Harsh recently posted..The debate continues.

Jen September 15, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Nah, you’re exempt ‘cuz you’re hella cool.
Jen recently posted..Six Degrees of Eating Bacon

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:30 am

@Christine: I think they rightfully deserve foot-in-ass action for that.

@Jen: I totally use darlin’. But just like that–darlin’.

@Steph: I do too. We’re both fucked.

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 5:05 am

I’d put a big shark moat around austin so I can drive places without having to worry about running over greenie morons that are riding in the middle of a lane on a barely two lane twisty road with no shoulders, who prove their greeness by driving out to my mellow hill country in cars so as to be able to ride their bicycles. Couldn’t they just get bicycle messenger jobs in NYC if they need the adrenaline rush of almost being run over every five minutes? I don’t like the liability from my end. I don’t speed much but me and a neighbor have a monetary wager on how long it’s gonna be before somebody in his kid’s high school class turns one into roadkill when they come around a corner on one of our roads doing 75 and there’s some moron on a 5 thousand dollar titanium and carbon fiber bicycle in the middle of his lane.

Oh, and if any austin hipster is thinking about ever doing it again, if I’m at my local watering hole shooting pool with a buddy, you are NOT allowed to touch my face while saying “epic beard”. Under no circumstances would I touch your face unless it involved punching you, most probably for touching my face or beard.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:32 am

There’s a part of me that really loves Austin like I love Deep Ellum here in Dallas, and there’s a part of me that hates so much that Austin is so fucking full of the weirdos. I salute you for living there.

I want you to know that I witnessed a drunk hipster riding her fixie with a flashing reflector taped to her bag and a safety vest on. It may have been the greatest hipster sighting of all time.

Brandi September 14, 2011 at 6:00 am

I plan to start adding the phrase BEAVER SMACK! to my daily conversations. I’m just saying.
Brandi recently posted..Dropping Hints.

Margaret Goerig September 14, 2011 at 8:45 am

Well, that’s a good thing, since Noa is going to give you a beaver smack to your pancreas now.

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

But wouldn’t smacking a beaver on my beaver be redundant? Of course, I live in the fucking Beaver State, so I have time to ponder this shit.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

Kella September 15, 2011 at 12:32 am

Here’s a beaver for your beaver, you fucking beaver.

Also, syphilis.

Y’all.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

guinspeg September 20, 2011 at 7:24 am

SNOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! Goddamn it I wish I could ‘like’ this comment!

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:37 am

Kella’s pretty wicked.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:34 am

@Brandi: Useful for an incredible number of situations. Not the least of which is porn.

@Margaret: I’ll reserve that from Brandi. She’s a sassy ho.

@Jen: You live in a vagina?

@Kella: I’m not sure what’s happening there. Are you drunk?

Jen September 17, 2011 at 9:06 am

I live in Oregon, but it’s so dark and wet here all of the time it may as well be a damn vagina.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:38 am

It’s dark and wet because God is trying to drown the hipsters.

Kella September 18, 2011 at 4:46 pm

…It’s possible. I just thought it was funny at the time.

Of course, I also think midgets are funny. They don’t, though. Which is sad.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Jessica September 14, 2011 at 6:22 am

Ok, this is a national emergency, we NEED to get in touch with Obama so we can get the federal law ammended with the “I’m just sayin’ ” fuckery abolishment. It really should be punishable by disembowelment followed by a slow, painful death! Nothing stirs such a firey hatred in my soul as bitches who say something judgemental and ridiculous, followed by a doe-eyed stare, followed by the above phrase. You pancreas makes a lovely broach…I’m just sayin’.

Jessica September 14, 2011 at 6:23 am

^your pancreas

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 7:21 am

Well, at least they are being passive-aggressively semi-honest. I work in a field where people blow smoke all the time, so I’m used to it. Many people that will same something critical but lay it on somebody else’s door mixed with people that will use people as messengers about things instead of coming over and talking to you directly. Was working on a project recently and got the standard “So and so thinks so and so about how you should do this.” I realized what I was doing bothered them, but they didn’t have the balls to say it, so I doubled up on the angle that really irritated them until they finally came up to me and asked “Didn’t so and do tell you about this?” and I said “I don’t do things based on vague third party opinions.”

If you put lines in the sand like that, you don’t have to injure people, as they eventually come around. If they never come around, then I get to torment them, so it works for me either way.

It’s every bit as much fun as the “I’m sorry” game, where if you say something and somebody says (in a superficial pseudo-supporting manner) “I’m sorry”, you go on to explain to them that they shouldn’t be sorry and it really was your fault and you’re terribly sorry about how it all worked out, but you hope it won’t permanently harm your relationship.

If people are passive-aggressive to you, double their passive-aggressive and shoot it right back at them. It’s the right thing to do.

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 7:23 am

same==say and I need caffeine (and perhaps some barbiturates and whiskey)

Jen September 15, 2011 at 11:51 am

May we please add “I know, right?” to the list?
Jen recently posted..Six Degrees of Eating Bacon

Cory September 15, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Yes! ” I know, right?” or just “Right?!”. I’ve got 3 dumb broads that I work with that say it all the time.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:39 am

I am the worst about saying, “Right?” I officially apologize.

Jillian September 15, 2011 at 8:46 pm

And also when people end their sentences with, “so…”
Jillian recently posted..I Could Tell You, But Then You’d Never Take Me Out To Dinner

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:36 am

@Jessica: I love the hatred this has sparked in you. LEARN WELL, YOUNG ONE.

@NCTExan: I think you just mindfucked me a little there with your cycle of passive-aggression. I have some studying to do. Teach me, master of all things PA.

Hoody Hoo September 14, 2011 at 7:16 am

Most of your laws also seem to apply here in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny — just substitute Ohio for New Mexico and Rick Perry for… pretty much our entire state government. And quitcher birchin’ — we can’t buy beer on Sundays ’til after ONE!

Plus, a quick not-quite-nude-but-close redneck on TV story from when I worked for the TV:
Reporter: How did you smuggle the gun into the prison?
Barely-dressed Toothless Redneck Woman: Ah hiddit.
Reporter: Where did you hide it?
B-DTRW: (cackles madly and shouts) IN MAH COOTCH!
I love it here.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Time for a Rate Adjustment

Hoody Hoo September 14, 2011 at 7:17 am

that’d be “quitcher BITCHIN'” I’m not real sure what “birchin'” is…
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Time for a Rate Adjustment

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 7:25 am

John Birch Society. It involves being a slightly more political version of Rotary or Elks, and you go eat lunch in suits and talk about conservative politics. ;-)

Brandi September 14, 2011 at 7:53 am

Down here in Tennessee the rednecks on TV usually refer to it as their cooter. Growing up n New England I really missed out on all the cooch/cooter commentary on the news. I feel robbed.
Brandi recently posted..Dropping Hints.

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

There was a woman who used to belong to my health club whose last name was — hand to God– ‘Kootch-Beaver’. I could see wanting to maintain your feminine independence but, oh sweetie. . .some names you just DON’T want to hyphenate.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

Margaret Goerig September 14, 2011 at 8:49 am

Yeah, that whole eatin’-a-sandwich-puttin’-on-mascara-readin’-a-bedtime-story-to-the-little-ones-while-going-56-in-the-motherfuckin’-fast-lane thing? All over the goddamn nation. And y’all. People misspell it everywhere.
P.S.– Amazing anecdote, Hoody.

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus on a taco, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:41 am

@Hoody: My favorite comment ever from an Amarillo resident being asked how she escaped from the path of a tornado: “WHEN YOU SEE A TORNADER ON YOUR BUTT YOU RUUUUUUNNNN.” Texas–we gots the smarts.

@NCTexan: Is that the more passive aggressive version of the Masons?

@Brandi: I had no idea one could miss colloquialisms about vaginas.

@Jen: I once knew a woman who’s name was Candy who didn’t take her husband’s last name because it was Kretch (pronounced Crotch). But Kootch-Beaver? Wins.

@Margaret: Assholes are nationwide.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 14, 2011 at 7:56 am

Nobody wants Rick Perry….he should be exiled to a different country.
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..Put Down The Marker Homework Nazi

Jen September 15, 2011 at 11:57 am

What does everyone have against Rick Perry? Sure “Open Arms” and “Oh, Sherri” were annoying, but who doesn’t like “Don’t Stop Believin'”? Oh. . .wait. . .
Jen recently posted..Six Degrees of Eating Bacon

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:42 am

@Paula: I agree. I wholeheartedly agree.

@Jen: I wish it were so. But no, our Good Ol’ Gov embezzled a SHITLOAD of money from the state of Texas and wanted to secede! HOORAY!!

Dani September 14, 2011 at 8:01 am

“Public and shared disciplining of children should be allowed. If you can’t manage your jackassed crotchling in the frozen foods section, I will do it for you. After 4 potatoes to the face, he’ll rethink his attitude.”

WA-HERDDDDD!!!

As a native Californian who just relocated to the Bowels of Hell (aka northern New York) I’m going to have to pass a law that states: If you can’t talk without shooting long vowel sounds through your nose, then just don’t speak. Your nose should not vibrate when you talk.
Furthermore, last I heard? Mom jeans and bimbo hair went out of style, thank GOD, in the early 90s. Let them rest in peace.
“Git R Dun” is not funny anymore. Actually, it never was. Get that goddamn bumper sticker off of your truck. Now.
The Amish’s horse poop on the side of the road is way less offensive than all the crap shooting out of the exhaust pipe of your giant gas guzzling SUV. Stop bitching about it and buy a Prius.
Entire aisles in the grocery store should NOT be dedicated to pickled pork products and pickled eggs.
And last but definitely not least, WHERE IS THE GODDAMN MEXICAN FOOD????

PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, NEW YORK.
Dani recently posted..facebooking from the edge…: And Jill came tumbling after…

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:45 am

I could never leave the South because I love Tacos just a little too much.

Also, I second the Git-R-Dun. That was never okay. Never.

Leauxra September 14, 2011 at 8:06 am

So we have a regular hodge-podge of drivers in Colorado… the “drive really slow on the curvy mountain roads and then GAS IT during the passing zone” drivers… the “9000 year old fossil who thinks the bike lane is a lane” drivers, the immortal youth on motorcycles… and then all the worst drivers from Texas and California meet here and duke it out on the interstate on a regular basis.

And people wonder why I have driving anxiety.
Leauxra recently posted..I Can’t Talk and Chew Gum

Johi September 14, 2011 at 9:41 am

Word. We drove behind an old man breathing through his mouth yesterday that I could almost hear chanting “Careful. Careful. Careful.” The slllooooooowwww pace was agonizing. It was even worse than my husband’s driving, which makes me want to pull out my toenails with rusty pliers.
Johi recently posted..Hysterical Laughing or Crying? It’s a No-Brainer….

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:46 am

@Leauxra: I lived in CO for a time, and I do miss it for one thing: NO ONE IN TEXAS CAN DRIVE IN ANY TYPE OF NON-SUNNY WEATHER. I might be the only person in Dallas with 4 wheel drive.

@Johi: It might make you happy to know that when Adrian and I were going to a movie a few months back, there was a very slow dumb bitch in front of us, and I shouted, “MOVE BITCH,” so loud that she heard me in her car with everyone’s windows rolled up. Classy.

Johi September 21, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Knowing thatactually does make me happy.
Johi recently posted..Should the man kill the bug?

Jaclyn September 14, 2011 at 8:13 am

For NJ, there would be just one new law: STOP BEING THE STEREOTYPE!!! And seriously, if your motto is GTL you aren’t allowed to talk to Anderson Cooper. Ever.

And to anyone who might click the link to my blog today, in case the title isn’t a giveaway, it’s really offensive. No really. Don’t read it and send me hate mail, okay?
Jaclyn recently posted..If I Were Smart, I Wouldn’t Make a Separate Post for AIDS Jokes

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Pfft! We all know you’re secretly rockin’ the Snooki poof, Jaclyn. And for the record, anyone who doesn’t think your post is funny will get AIDS.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:48 am

@Jaclyn: I have a similar sentiment about Texas Tea Partiers.

@Jen: I hear when you pass the NJ borders, Mystic tan hoses you in the face.

Stephanie September 14, 2011 at 8:35 am

If I were to pass one law for Virginia, it would be to undo the stupid fine’s they have on shit now and the fact that they can suspend your license for non-payment. They mailed my suspension notice to a previous address that the mail didn’t forward, and then I had to pay $200 to get it reinstated, and now I pay an additional $150 a month in car insurance. ALL BECAUSE I DIDN’T PAY A PARKING TICKET I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD.

Fuck you Virginia. Fuck you hard.
Stephanie recently posted..Laundry: The never-ending thankless task

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:48 am

WOW. Seriously? Fuck Virginia to death. That’s some sneaky bullshit right there.

Kella September 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Of course… I was skimming and scrolling… and I read that as “Fuck you Vagina. Fuck you hard.”

To which, my only thought was: “Obviously, else you’re doing it wrong.”
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:39 am

Virginia does everything wrong, anyway.

ColinP September 14, 2011 at 9:02 am

Noa, you are my hero.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:49 am

Colin, you made my day.

Heather Rose September 14, 2011 at 9:03 am

How can y’all (ahem) hate on Rick Perry? HE HATES CANCER. He said so in the first Republican debate. If you don’t support Rick Perry, you support cancer. Those poor, poor bald children.
Heather Rose recently posted..When just being white trash isn’t enough

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:49 am

Oh that’s right, I’m the asshole. I forgot.

Wait.

Margaret Goerig September 14, 2011 at 9:04 am

“There is never, ever a reason why any car on the road today should need 2 parking spaces in order to safely disembark your baby-tank. If you think your car needs 2 spaces, then it should be legal for me to decorate your car in any way I see fit. Perhaps I’ll key the word cunt on your fenders. Maybe my sledgehammer will look avant garde in your rear window. Either way–you’ll learn.”

Oh, Noa. You didn’t learn; did you? Violence and angry epithets will not teach them. What you need to do, of course, above all, is pee on their pillow but also I think in this case you could absolutely cover their car in abysmal bumper stickers, something along the lines of “I had my Special K this morning. Did you?” and “Nothing makes me happier than my Snuggie.” Make sure you get all the windows, every last inch of clear space, so they can’t go anywhere until they’ve been out there for hours with olive oil and razor blades, scraping that shit off.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Margaret Goerig September 14, 2011 at 9:05 am

I did not recently post “Into the sunset.” That was almost a month ago, C Luv.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:50 am

Margaret, not all problems can be solved with pee pillows. CommentLuv is trying to teach you that lesson. OPEN YOUR EYES, DAMNIT.

Margaret Goerig September 18, 2011 at 9:13 am

I feel like you just saved my life.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:40 am

You’re welcome.

Kelly September 14, 2011 at 9:33 am

States should create the position of “Dangerballs Czar” to immediately decrease all levels of fuckery, asshattery, and twatwafflery. I nominate myself. You’re welcome, Tennessee.
Kelly recently posted..On the eve of the 35th anniversary of the day of my birth…

Misty September 14, 2011 at 11:35 am

I will second that nomination. Do you get to hold a scepter as Czar? If so, I’m down with being Czar of MD. I’ve always wanted a scepter.
Misty recently posted..We interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

Kelly September 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Of course there’s scepters, and crowns, and Faberge Eggs, and all sorts of other random Russian shit. Don’t fuck with the Dangerballs Czar. Just sayin’.
Kelly recently posted..On the eve of the 35th anniversary of the day of my birth…

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:52 am

@Kelly: I…I’m so touched. I think every country should have a Dangerballs Czar. Except North Korea.

@Misty: The scepter is a dildo.

@Kelly: Okay, Faberge Dildos.

Johi September 14, 2011 at 9:37 am

This made me so happy, and I have yet to finish my first cup of coffee. You obviously deserve a medal for making the impossible, possible.
And I love your phrasing. No one can put words together like you can. “Greasy Beaches” is my favorite for today. I may just randomly shout it at people today in the grocery store.

Dude in the produce department, “Can I help you find anything Ma’am?”

Me, “GREASY BEACHES!!!”

Yep.
Johi recently posted..Hysterical Laughing or Crying? It’s a No-Brainer….

wagthedad September 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I liked the greasy beaches thing, too. I’ve only been to the airport in Galveston. Now I don’t want to go see it at all.
wagthedad recently posted..I Think I Just Ate Some Magical Poison Almonds

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:53 am

@Johi: Greasy Beaches: useful for all situations, whether it’s describing your hash browns or that stripper vagina!

@Wag: Galveston is not that great. I promise.

From NM September 14, 2011 at 9:51 am

I’m from New Mexico. If you don’t want New Mexicans in your state, then by rights we should be able to Beaver Smack any goddamn Texas mother fucker that crosses into OUR state. Yeah, I’m the one with the bumper sticker that reads, “I Mess With Texas.”
BTW, I do love reading your writings; they’re awesome!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:54 am

I think Texas and New Mexico just need to break up already. It’s over, everyone knows.

Also, I love you for saying this. You are awesome.

Jaime September 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

this is making me really want to visit Texas
Jaime recently posted..there’s a reason people call it the butt crack of dawn

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:54 am

Wait until Rick Perry’s gone. It’ll be even better then.

Turd Fergussen September 14, 2011 at 10:21 am

That’s it. All children will be heretofore referred as “crotchlings.” Love it.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:55 am

There are no words for how much I love you for using the name Turd Ferguson.

“It’s an oversized hat. It’s funny.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Sure it is.”
“Go back to your place, Burt Reynolds.”

Chunky Mama September 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

OMG.
I love this, and I don’t even live there.
One of your best, I think. :)
Chunky Mama recently posted..Bubba Says:

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:55 am

Wow, really? Thank you! That just made my day.

Misty September 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

You can’t buy alcohol before noon on Sunday? In the ENTIRE STATE?? Wow, that is just cruel. I think you need to form some type of support group. Heathens for hedonism. Pagans for partying. Agnostics for Alcohol!

Also, if I could pants anyone who showed their underwear, I would never ever get any work done in Court. See exhibit A: http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/its-just-not-fair/ (ok, to be fair, this was not in Court, but it was the most egregious example of underwear-above-the-pants-asshattery I had on hand).

I guess I need to work on my cartwheeling skills. Although I think the atomic wedgie might be more appropriate in this case.
Misty recently posted..We interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

What’s more fucked up is that in Colorado you can’t buy REGULAR beer on sundays at the store, or strong wine or liquor, but you can order them at the bars and some restaurants…Depending on the restaurant, they might just have a 3.2% license.

Live in Texas, lived everywhere almost, Vegas and Louisiana have the best liquor laws in the US. Pretty much buy anything at any time.

For the record, people say shit about France all the time, but the last time I was over for a gig I got to a BEST WESTERN owned hotel in Alsace and it was about 4am. Room wasn’t going to be ready for a while. Night manager asked if she could do anything for me and I said a couple drinks would be nice. She OPENED THE BAR FOR A STRANGER IN A BEST WESTERN HOTEL for me at ~4am. Wouldn’t take tips either.

They’re weird about some shit but cool about other shit.

Misty September 14, 2011 at 1:49 pm

That settles it. My ass is moving to France.
Misty recently posted..We interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

My bags are packed, Misty. I’ll meet you at the Red Carpet Club.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:58 am

@Misty: Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. They lock that shit behind doors and everything. Texas is sometimes really lame.

@NCTexan: I hate it when booze is restricted on Sundays. WHY? Why can I not drink in my own home on a Sunday? It only makes me want to visit Vegas now.

@Misty and Jen: I hear they lack hygiene there. I wouldn’t know though. I’ve never been, and I’m kind of an asshole.

Non-Crisped Texan September 18, 2011 at 6:10 am

@#Noa Heh. I had a friend that had a support job for Southwest Airlines back in the 90s and he got tickets for about FREE as one of his perks. Was based out of DFW. He was marginally notorious for taking advantage of those fares on sunday mornings and, no joke, flying to an airport in a more friendly state and drinking at their airport bar, and then coming home to continue drinking in Dallas. He drank himself to death about 15 years after that, but it’s still funny. Only person I know that didn’t do much business travel, but, still had favorite airport bartenders. I’d toast his memory right now, but it’s a Sunday morning and we ran out of beer last night.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

I shamed myself last weekend by looking in my fridge on Saturday and thinking, “I need to go buy beer if I want Sunday to be any fun.”

I might have a problem.

Bethany September 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

So true, all of these. I love that you referenced El Paso, as I grew up there. It is the love/hate of my life.

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

L&J or Kiki’s? I live in the Hill Country, so I haven’t had to pick ;-)

Noa September 17, 2011 at 1:59 am

@Bethany: I feel like El Paso doesn’t get the respect they deserve, because they have some incredible food there, but also some really spectacular crime.

@NCTexan: Bastard.

Anna September 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

As a Californian transplant to Texas 3 months ago, I thank you for quantifying every god damn issue I’ve had since I’ve been here.

Now where can I find me some of them beavers…..
Anna recently posted..this has to make me like a black belt in bad ass or something.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:00 am

Hill Country.

Mamy September 14, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Missouri is a “right to spank” state, which means if the crotchlings are misbehaving it is not illegal to spank their little asses! I would like to up the anti a little bit and bring back the ol’ paddle in the schools. I was shown the one at our school my first day of Kindergarten and believe me, I behaved myself. That paddle had holes in it and very large splinters. ALSO… arm the teachers with rulers like the nuns used to use on your knuckles when you sassed them! I can’t stand when a youngster backtalks and doesn’t listen because some bleeding heart told them that no one has any right to lay a finger on them. I’m NOT suggesting abuse, but come on with the lack of discipline because everyone’s afraid of getting sued!
Mamy recently posted..Glossophobes Unite!

Kella September 15, 2011 at 12:36 am

Oh, I’m in California.

I’ve had people in supermarkets threaten to call CPS on my ass. I tell them to bring it, because she’s my kid, she’s not bruised, and she had it coming for biting me and throwing a carton of eggs on the fucking floor.

Today, I was on the phone with a collections agent and randomly interrupted his spiel by yelling at my child (who was running on top of the back of the couch) that I was going to beat her until she saw god… I don’t think I’ve ever heard a debt collector laugh so hard.
Kella recently posted..Catapults are for people who are too damned lazy to fling themselves through the air using more creative methods.

Mamy September 16, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I watched a woman in Target slap her 8(??) year old girl for being mouthy and making a scene. She immediately looked at me with a mixture of guilt and terror…I’m assuming because she thought I’d turn her in, but I laughed saying, “I have four of them at home. You go girl!”
Mamy recently posted..Glossophobes Unite!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:01 am

@Mamy: I didn’t even know it was against the laws in some places to spank your kids. What the fuck is up with that? I was only ever spanked maybe 3 times when I was growing up, but I damn well deserved it, and that lesson stuck with me.

@Kella: I’d have been spanked for that shit too. And then I would have had to pay for the eggs my damn self.

@Mamy: I love that mom.

Mamy September 17, 2011 at 8:54 am

I guess I should clarify…in 30 states it is unlawful to use “corporeal punishment” in schools to discipline children. I want to bring THAT back as I’ve seen how some kiddos are so damn disrespectful to teachers and most adults.

@Kella-Biting and kicking will get you a spanking in my house too! Good for you!
Mamy recently posted..Glossophobes Unite!

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:41 am

I think a little fear of the spank will do a child good.

nadine September 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Drinking laws are so 1920’s. Can’t we please change these laws to accommodate this current millennium? NJ liquor stores close at 10:00 PM on the dot … Dude, 10 PM is right when could be hitting my stride and need to call in for back-ups. It’s some bullshit.
nadine recently posted..whatever, i’m going to be a hermit.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:02 am

Seriously. Fuck drinking laws right up the butt.

Jen September 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

We need a law requiring anyone who wears jeggings with ironic 80’s themed T-shirts and has either (a) a soulpatch, or (b) more than three facial piercings to be exiled to a hipster commune outside of the Marshall Islands. They can live in harmony, listening to Phish and eating tempeh by the light of their energy-efficient lamps.
Jen recently posted..Don’t You Forget About Me

wagthedad September 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

OK, I couldn’t agree more. I HATE the soulpatch. So fucking disgusting.
wagthedad recently posted..I Think I Just Ate Some Magical Poison Almonds

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:03 am

@Jen: I saw the best hipster ever the other day. She wore control top pantyhose as pants, a blue button-down shirt covered in paint, and galoshes. I can’t wait to exile her.

@Wag: Doesn’t it just make you want to wax it off for them?

Becca September 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Are you sure that you don’t actually reside in what is more commonly referred to as the Ninth Circle of Hell? Home gurl you need a move, pronto. Tell Adrian you’re coming to the West Coast for GOOD. You can bounce back and forth between Liz and me. The best part of this, leaving Dreadlocks guy far behind…………….
Becca recently posted..How to Avoid A Burt Bee’s Chapstick Shanking…

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:04 am

Texas is awesome most of the time, and will be much more so when Rick Perry is fucking gone.

wagthedad September 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I am glad I spelled yall’ correctly in all of my own posts. I went back and checked, yal’l.

Also, I want to send my kids to you. I’m convinced you are good for them, though I think you’re better off disciplining kids with frozen foods than you are with potatoes. Frozen food is HARD, so it will HURT more. They’re used to getting hit with things the hardness of potatoes, so they probably wouldn’t notice.

Anyway, so I have this plan. I send my kids to you. They need to experience life in developing countries, and I think Texas is kind of developing, right? So they come and stay with you and Adrian, and you both teach them English and introduce them to Dubya and Mr. T.

Ok? In return I will do something, like tell you how great you look whilst cleaning up poopie and making chocolate milk and eating cheerios in your underwear with my kids.

That cool? Let me know. Flights leave Vienna every day.

P.S I am not being cynical or sarcastic in any way. I am totally fucking serious. Vienna-JFK, JFK-Dallas. They’re arriving Sep. 20, so you’d better pick them up or I’m calling DCFS on your ass.
wagthedad recently posted..I Think I Just Ate Some Magical Poison Almonds

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:05 am

I used to teach karate to kids, so your kids will be returned to you with ninja skills and a curious lack of emotion. Sure you don’t want to re-think the plan?

wagthedad September 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Oh, also, the Sunday drinking law thing? We had the same in my state, Illinois. I think that’s why I left. Shit, you can get booze 24 hours a day here. And there’s nothing like going to a cafe in the morning for coffee and seeing a bunch of dudes swizzling beer before work.
wagthedad recently posted..I Think I Just Ate Some Magical Poison Almonds

Misty September 14, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Well now I changed my mind. Morning coffee with a side of booze? Yep, definitely moving to Austria.
Misty recently posted..We interrupt your regularly scheduled program.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:06 am

@Wag: I love Europeans for the booze thing–my in-laws take shots of Palinka at breakfast.

@Misty: Europeans will drink for fucking anything.

Andi September 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I have complaints about California, but right now I’m so grateful it isn’t anywhere else that I can’t remember them.

I think we should be allowed to play Hot Potato with our politicians. If we keep moving them around, it’ll lessen the damage they can do. Bounce Rick Perry up to Vermont for a bit and see if they can’t improve him.
Andi recently posted..Top Ten Signs You Should Have Turned Off Your Alarm And Gone Back To Sleep This Morning

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:07 am

When I went to BlogHer recently, it was 75 degrees when I landed in San Diego, and I was singing and dancing about how the weather is, and all of the Californians were bitching about how hot it was.

It was 112 when I left Dallas that day.

toni September 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I just want to write to let you know something.

I used to have a lot of spare time at my job and could read many different blogs daily (many of which you’ve suggested). I’ve recently changed my position and have very little extra time at work. I still push myself to find the time– even if it’s after work– to read your blog at least every week. A coworker and I write back and forth during the day about some of the things you write. You are seriously the funniest person and I can’t tell you how many stressful days have been better because of your humor! I am in awe of how you manage to put words together to be absolutely hysterical.

Please never stop writing!!!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:08 am

I cannot tell you how awesome this comment was because then I would be crying and that’s not ladylike.

Thank you–so so much.

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I just got a warm fuzzy feeling. I like Texas, I like you, and I like it most when YOU talk about TEXAS. Especially when you’re laying down the rules.

I still can’t get over how aggressive drivers are in Texas. I didn’t notice this the whole time I lived there, and I was always under the false assumption that LA drivers were dickwads, but no, Texas has some major dickwad drivers. And they all drive trucks, which makes it more intimidating.

I think there should be some kind of dickwad driver test and if you fail that fucking thing, you shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheels of an F-150, Ram, Sierra, Ranger….I mean, you get the picture.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: I was raised by a pack of wolves

Jen September 15, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Oh, fuck me gently with a chainsaw…my ex currently drives an F150, but his last two cars (yeah, he crashes them a lot while accumulating DUIs) were a Ram and a Sierra, I shit you not. And he’s not even from Texas, he’s a mechanical engineer from Eugene, Oregon with delusions of badassery. ((sigh!)) There’s a reason why we have renamed him “Gil”.
Jen recently posted..Six Degrees of Eating Bacon

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:09 am

@Elizabeth: I am one of those aggressive Texas drivers, and my big ol’ Jeep is perfect for being an asshole because it has a big engine and loud speakers. I am sorry for any permanent scarring I’ve made on your mind with my terrible driving.

@Jen: Wow. Your Ex sounds magical.

The Wannabe Housewife September 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm

This “Texas” that you speak of sounds…well, to be honest it sounds pretty terrible.

Texas and Australia are both on my list of places to NOT visit because most things there can and probably will kill me.

I’ll stay here in California. The worst we have are REALLY shitty LA drivers and earthquakes. I’ll take it.
The Wannabe Housewife recently posted..The Challenge: Day Two

Non-Crisped Texan September 14, 2011 at 11:59 pm

You forgot mudslides (got stuck on the grapevine because of one a few years back and ended up having to detour through Lancaster to get north after being STUCK with no place to go for literally hours) and wildfires. Lived in both places, they both have their ups and downs, just like everywhere else. Only thing you can count on in life is that there will be a sizable number of assholes anywhere you go.

The Wannabe Housewife September 15, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Oh yeah, mudslide are pretty bad here. The hill in my neighbor’s backyard liquified and slid all the way down to their back door…while they were out of town…and I was house sitting.

The fires though, how did I forget those? I swear the state (or at least part of it) is engulfed in flames at almost any given moment haha
The Wannabe Housewife recently posted..With or Without You

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:11 am

@Housewife: Texas is cool if you are willing to die at any moment.

@NCTexan: Oh Lord, do we have wildfires. We have wildfires to end all wildfires.

@Housewife: I’m pretty happy that Texas is way too flat to have mudslides.

KatieTheBlogLady September 14, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Looks like I’m due for some BEAVER SMACKING ya’ll! On second thought. . . . that sounds like some methed out lip smacking bestiality shit. Time to straighten up and start flyin right Y’ALL Y’ALL Y’ALLalalalala!
KatieTheBlogLady recently posted..This One Time When I Was a Deadhead. . .

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:11 am

Gimme a sec, I gotta go collect my beavers.

Ladysniper September 14, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Omg…I love love the comment about the left lane. I’m that woman behind you in the left lane SCREAMING at you to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY…yep, that’s me. There may be the use of a certain finger as well.

Loved the rest of it but that one just made my day. I wish there was a way to blow it up and put it on my rear windshield for the idiots to read as I finally pass them by.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:12 am

I have no idea what it’s like to be the asshole in the left lane. None. Never will.

Wait.

Teala September 14, 2011 at 8:43 pm

The great state of Texas should publicly thank you. I especially love the Rick Perry law. The fucker needs to get the hell out of Texas. And I don’t mean by going to motherfuckin’ D.C. I’m think you just about covered everything here.
Teala recently posted..It has been too long.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:12 am

Can we just ship Rick Perry to the Outback of Australia and say we lost him?

Eric September 14, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Since I’m working on moving to Texas, these are good to know. I love them all. Got anything that might be Austin-specific just so I can be ready?
Eric recently posted..Breakfast Karaoke: It could happen

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:13 am

Bring a hipster-tazer.

Heather September 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

In New Hampshire, only the state can sell booze. State liquor stores have a monopoly.
This severely limits my dad to just selling his weed. Where’s the equal opportunity for moonshine?
Heather recently posted..just checkin’

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:13 am

THE STATE SELLS BOOZE?

Well there’s a way to get out of a debt crisis.

armchair cat September 15, 2011 at 11:14 am

Being a fourth generation Texan, may I just say I so heart you right now? You always crack me up, but this? All of this? I would sign a friggin’ petition to make it all happen.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:13 am

Let’s do this, Texas.

natalie September 15, 2011 at 11:36 am

oh rick perry…its time you list to know noa.
natalie recently posted..our neighbors hate us…

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:14 am

I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what you’re trying to say here.

Rosa September 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

And the cockroaches! Sweet jeeeezus, the giant mutant fucking cockroaches! I haven’t lived in Texas in quite a few years but the memory of those disgusting little fuckers brazenly walking across the kitchen floor, flipping me off as they sauntered past, will never leave me.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:15 am

I forgot about those bastards. In Texas, we grow ‘em FUCKING HUGE and awful. I’ll add on that we’ll gas the whole state for ‘em once a month.

Norway September 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I demand all of these for Minnesota. Actually, these need to go to D.C. and become National law. I won’t even rule out the Rick Perry thing , like so many people are doing. Everyone deserves to be guarded against Rick Perry.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:15 am

He could run our nation. Scare you yet?

Norway September 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Excuse me while I go curl up in my sock drawer and hide there for a year.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:42 am

OH MAN, sleeping in a sock drawer would be so comfortable.

Carrie September 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I’ve never been to Texas and now know not to go until the new laws are enacted (particularly since I’m now worried I’ll see nothing but pubic hair).

I live in Georgia, but I’m not from Georgia. I would like a device that can be worn or implanted that filters out any comments about or enthusiasm for the “Dawgs.” That’s more a technology wish than a legal one, though.
Carrie recently posted..The Goonies vs Super 8 – A Sign I May Be Ready for Parenthood

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:16 am

I love that your image of Texas is pubic hair. That’s New Jersey you’re thinking of.

Carrie September 17, 2011 at 7:38 am

I haven’t been there either. I suppose to be on the safe side: Every State I Haven’t Been to = Pubic Hair. Although if Texas isn’t pubic hair, then I won’t know until I’ve tried it. The state. Not pubic hair.
Carrie recently posted..Two Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Doctor Say in Sequential and Horrific Order

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:43 am

And now I’ll permanently associate travel with sex. Not an awful thing.

anna @ HaHas for HooHas September 15, 2011 at 8:20 pm

I like the big hair and big boobs I saw in abundance in Dallas. I think that’s because I have big hair and big boobs.

And since Comluv isn’t seeing my feed for some frickity reason – @ HooHas we make funny eCards for women. I mean, we hope they’re funny. If not, I just wasted a lot of my life … Oh God, now I’m panicking …

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:16 am

Fucking CommentLuv.

Also, we will always love the big hair. Always.

bschooled September 15, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Texas sounds WAY MORE AWESOME than Canada.

Every time you misspell “eh”, you’re hit in the crotch with a syphilitic hockey stick. Or even worse, Celine Dion’s latest CD.

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:17 am

I’m really curious about the hockey stick. Are hockey sticks sentient in Canada like the broomsticks in Fantasia?

DogsOnDrugs.com September 16, 2011 at 1:45 am

It’s hot in Texas, huh? That’s cute.

– Arizona
DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted..Subway – Eat Neat

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:17 am

HAH! Well played.

tavie September 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm

YAY! FINALLY, NOA SHITS ON TEXAS!! IN DALLAS RIGHT HERE!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:17 am

I have hate for everyone and everything, even my own state.

tavie September 20, 2011 at 8:18 am

Wurd to the Turd, my friend!

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:44 am

I’m equal opportunity for hate. Except for bunnies. I love bunnies.

Satan September 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

oh wow, i am gonna move to TX, and now i’m worried about the spiders.
i am your arachnophobe. eeeeek!

Noa September 17, 2011 at 2:18 am

Bring heavy boots. You’ll need them for the mutant bugs.

starle September 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

My brit husband says that you need to add:
if you spell lone star ‘loan star’ …its emo-ancipated island for y’all.

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:44 am

OH GOD.

People do that? Now I’m terrified.

Lorilei September 19, 2011 at 8:26 am

Thank you!! “Just saying” makes me want to stab stab stab.
Lorilei recently posted..Girly Farm Cake

Noa September 21, 2011 at 10:45 am

You’re fucking welcome.

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