When it’s not actively attempting to murder you with the biggest, scariest spiders that God could think up, it’s trying to create nightmares for you with sexually-suggestive lizards that shoot blood out of their eyeballs. At any given point in the summer time, half this great state is demolishing trailer parks with clouds, and the other half is spontaneously combusting.
Texas, if you will, is putting out cigarettes on its own arm (El Paso, as we call it) just to see your reaction. We’re a state full of hardasses for putting up with all of this bullshit.
And I say, as a Texas Native and current Citizen, that if I’m going to play Russian Roulette with my own life every time I cross state lines, I’m going to request that a few laws be altered or passed to make this state a bit more…livable.
- If you want to drive in the left lane, you may not be speaking on a cell phone, you may not be texting, you may not be giving and/or receiving road head, and you must be driving at least 5 mph over the speed limit. Punishment for violating this law? I get to rear-end you, and you have to pay for the damages. The left lane is a privilege, and it can be revoked with my bumper up your ass.
- You may not, at any time, be Rick Perry. Rick Perry, pack your shit–we don’t want it anymore.
- Every time you misspell y’all, you are hit in the crotch with a bag full of syphilitic beavers. It’s not ya’ll, or ya’all, or yall. It’s y’all. BEAVER SMACK.
- Right now, it’s illegal to sell alcohol on Sundays before noon in Texas. That needs to end today. If I want to buy beer on Sunday instead of going to church and thinking about how I’m going to Hell because I thought that video of Hitler that was dubbed over with the theme from The Jeffersons was hilarious, THEN I’M GOING TO BUY BEER, GODDAMN IT.
- New Mexico residents are allowed only 3 visits a year across state lines. You were the one who chose to live in a shitty state, so you should have to stay in it. If your state was so fucking Enchanting, you wouldn’t need to come to Texas, now would you?
- If you think we should secede, you will be relocated to Galveston Island and emancipated like an emo teen douchebag. You’re on your own, motherfucker. Enjoy the greasy beaches and hurricanes.
- If your ass/underpants/pubes are visible ABOVE your pants, then not only is it allowed, but encouraged, to pants you in the most hilarious way possible. I prefer a cartwheel approach, followed by a lunging maneuver, and then when your pants are around your ankles, I push you. PULL ‘EM UP, FUCKER.
- There is never, ever a reason why any car on the road today should need 2 parking spaces in order to safely disembark your baby-tank. If you think your car needs 2 spaces, then it should be legal for me to decorate your car in any way I see fit. Perhaps I’ll key the word cunt on your fenders. Maybe my sledgehammer will look avant garde in your rear window. Either way–you’ll learn.
- Public and shared disciplining of children should be allowed. If you can’t manage your jackassed crotchling in the frozen foods section, I will do it for you. After 4 potatoes to the face, he’ll rethink his attitude.
- Should you feel the need to end a sentence in, “I’m just saying,” it should be legal to rip out the pancreas via the belly button, but only if followed with the statement, “I’m just causing massive internal damage in response to your blatant passive aggression.”
- Trailer Homes must come with a warning printed on the side just like cigarettes, and it should read, “YOU ARE PURCHASING A WHEELED, POORLY CARPETED DEATHTRAP WITH A QUESTIONABLE OVEN INSIDE. THIS BITCH WILL CRUMPLE LIKE AN ACCOUNTANT IN A BAR FIGHT AT THE MERE MENTION OF A TORNADO.”
- News Crews may only ever interview rednecks and/or nudists and any combination of the two, no matter the story, purely for the amusement of the entire state. Political rally? Nude rednecks. Cat fashion show? Nude rednecks. Superbowl? Nude rednecks. Sarah Palin Nip-Slip? Nude fucking rednecks.
What laws would you change or pass if you could?
—Favorite Comment from The Last Post: From Wicked Opinion: “Airport windosck, huh? Does he have a brother?”