Perhaps This Is What The Book of Revelation Was Talking About.

09/26/2011 · 155 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With You?

It’s been a really long time since I read the Book of Revelation, and considering how my life is going right now, I really think it might be time for me to brush up a bit on the ol’ Jesus Readin’, because GODDAMN.

When I step onto campus, I’m bombarded with the reality that this is what Hell is like. Any day now, we’re gonna be going down faster than a greased whore in a Nascar bathroom. Grab your crotch Nancy, Satan is a-comin’!

Perhaps even more disconcerting than the bizarre amount of crazy that takes place on campus is the fact that I seem to be the only one that notices that any of the following events are even taking place. It’s straight out of the Twilight Zone–there’s a dragon hate-fucking Oprah in the middle of the Wal-Mart fishing department, but I’m the only one watching it.

God is warning me, with hipster bullshit, to repent–it’s the only way I can explain what I have seen in the past 3 weeks.

1. A group of beret-wearing hipsters loudly complaining that we would only receive pass/fail grades on assigned papers (meaning if you fucking wrote something down on a paper, you passed. You could write fuckrug all over a piece of paper, and turn it in, and you would pass this class with an A) because their writing was, “something to be used as a measuring stick to others.”

2. At least 7 men carrying around very large wooden crosses, but never acknowledging them. One of these men wore a pool rack on his head and was modocking around on a Huffy. I don’t have any words to describe the absolute bewilderment I felt.

3. A man walking in the center of a park on campus, speaking into a 1995 cordless phone with the antenna extended all the way. He was not homeless–guy had on a sweater vest and penny loafers. We were at least a quarter mile from any building. He was from the past, right?

4. A–woman? We’ll go with woman, sitting next to me in a freshman composition class, wearing a black sports bra, turquoise sparkly leggings, green hotpants, and gladiator sandals. AS THOUGH IT WERE REAL CLOTHING.

5. A gangly dude, singing a sweet-ass ballad loudly in Chinese, performing what I can only hope was a one-man flashmob dance in front of a giant statue of a Bald Eagle. I’ve never been more confused-ly patriotic.

6. 2 people dick-slapping one another in the saddest battle of wits I’ve ever seen, which included the following words and phrases:

  • “I can never remember where Venzula is.”
  • “Africa–you know, the island.”
  • “Who is Donald Rumsfeld?”
  • “Don’t you think the Media is to blame for 9/11?”
  • “I’m double majoring in art history and radio. Also, Hello Kitty is my hero.”
  • “9/11 never really happened. It was filmed–just like the moon landing.”

7. A class of 399 people choosing motherfucking Cosmopolitan Magazine as the publication with the voice most representative of my generation. I’m a chick, and I lost my erection hearing that.

8. A man wearing a terrific Hawaiian shirt loudly providing hobo-quality commentary on the student newspaper while we watched a movie about whores in a literature class.

9. A group of jocks referring to Hungary as, “You know, the former Yugoslavia.”

And my personal favorite:

10. A woman wearing Control Top Pantyhose as pants, pairing it with a blue button-down shirt and what I assume is Bonne Bell’s 1998 cast-off lipsticks from their “Aspiring Dancer” line.

Hand to God, all of these things happened. These are real people doing these things–they drive cars, they procreate, they lead the country, they end up on TLC.

Goddamnit, I made myself depressed. Someone get me a rosary. And some nuns. And all of the communion wine.

Please tell me I’m not alone. What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen recently?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Andi: “Awesome! Thanks to Jamie, I now want to move to Paris and blog all about it. Jamie, do you take house guests? Just for a month or two? A couple weeks? Let me know, we’ll talk.”

 

TurnScoot September 26, 2011 at 1:23 am

I have seen Jesus… He was on old historic Route 66 while wearing a robe and dragging a cross….while riding his Huffy.
I also saw a woman… sure.. we will go with that.. wearing MC Hammer pants that were cut to the knee…on one side with a tank top that would have fit my 9 yr old.. wearing her foil hat and riding her bike down the street.. The bike was towing her red wagon that had a “baby” strapped into a car seat. Safety is important!!
TurnScoot recently posted..I was being a wuss….

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

I am both baffled and impressed at your sightings of fuckery. Well done.

Alicia September 26, 2011 at 1:37 am

I seriously have the giggles today. I just lost it because you said beret. I also lost it in class when you made the comment about JoAnn fabrics at the family dinner table….craziest thing I’ve seen? This isn’t the craziest but I’ll tell it anyways. I was at a dollar general and a grown ass man (in his 50s) walks in like a trucker with a bum leg…while wearing women’s panty hose, a flower dress, and high heels. His feet were slipping out of the sides of the heels and his crazy, hairy legs looked like chia pets trying escape the panty hose. Just to put a cherry on top, he had a full beard. Best dollar general experience I’ve ever had.

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:46 am

God, I couldn’t stop laughing yesterday.

I think the bum leg makes it even more spectacular. Just dragging that shit along in high heels. Amazing.

Summer Breeze September 26, 2011 at 2:34 am

Well… until very recently I worked with someone… she did not shower… she used to be a man… had boobs bigger then mine… liked to wear mini skirts, and forgot to shave… HER FACE. her 5 o clock shadow was reaching beard point. But she managed to shave her legs. I am ALL accepting of all people, but if your wanting people to accept you as a woman, please.. remember to shave your face and please keep your voice from sounding like Barry White…

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

You know, that’s one of those things you can’t just come out and say to someone (or don’t want to), but really, if you’re going to try to pull off the, “I’m totally a woman now,” YOU GOTTA BRING THE SHIT. There’s no half-assing it.

Sadie Sez September 26, 2011 at 5:24 am

I get a daily freakshow thanks to my awesome manager who is built like a Weeble but insists on wearing lots of skin-tight knits, tops and bottoms, lumpy-bumpy! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! Plus it’s always a gamble as to whether or not she shaved those pits…and she loves sleeveless crap. She’s a space invader, too, so you get the real up-close and personal view of everything. I LOVE MY JOB. >:<
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

HRRRRCKKK.

Well, that’s fucking disgusting.

The, “did you shave your pits today?” and the, “are you wearing deodorant?” are never questions I want to ask someone, though the gambling does sound pretty rad.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm

((shudder))
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Hoody Hoo September 26, 2011 at 6:26 am

Dude. Mennonites. In a gas station. WITH A VAN. ‘Nuff said.
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Dear Sweet Mama September 26, 2011 at 8:40 am

Oh no – Amish girls – at the beach – in the underwear store – looking at thongs while talking on their cells phones. Lord, I love rumspringa. I need to go on one. Of course, now that I live in Asbury Park, I see a lot of unusual things that have become normal. One, what appears to be a space alien, complete with antenna, walking a little dog on the boardwalk and NO ONE LOOKS!!! Was I the only one seeing this being?

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

Rumspringa seems like the most fun time ever. Like landing in OZ but with more booze and hookers.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Amish girls gone wild! “Show us your ankles!!!”
Jen recently posted.."Honk If You’re a Douchebag!"

Tiffany September 26, 2011 at 9:25 am

Mennonites on downhill skis. In particular, teenage Mennonite girls because they still have to wear the dress, apron and the coffee filter caps while attempting to ski down the mountain.

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

That is just goddamn impractical. I’ve taken headers into the trees more times than I can count, and I don’t want my panties on display with my jackassery.

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:50 am

@Hoody: I used to see Mennonites in the Target Electronics section all the fucking time, and always carrying bananas. I just began to assume it was Mennonite Terrorism.

Hoody Hoo September 27, 2011 at 6:33 am

like, they’re jealous of our ability to watch TV, so they go around shoving bananas in the DVD players? What dicks.

And I can’t believe both Dear Sweet Mama and I forgot the weirdest Amish-related thing we ever saw. A computer desk. In the Amish-made furniture store. HOW DID THEY KNOW????
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:14 am

They made it strictly so they could do some “first hand crafting research.” Crafty bastards.

I just realized–the Amish will never know what kinds of assholes we are to them online, which makes it even more awesome.

Paula @ thewilyweez September 26, 2011 at 7:33 am

Holy mother of God I am so glad I am out of college.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:52 am

I envy you.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I spend every day thinking of new and creative methods for slaughtering every fucking undergrad that slithers through my door.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:15 am

Did you once teach my british literature course?

Front Desk Ninja September 26, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Woah.

I’ll clearly get back to you then, because like a jackass I decided to better myself by learning how to speak French (even shitty jobs in Canada pay you 3 bucks more an hour to speak *both* national languages..) and this requires a weekly night class…

I’m slightly fearful, if I’m about to walk in to something out of a bad 80s porno..
I *just* sold my lepoard print leggings too. Dammit.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am

It’s cool. Apparently, you can just not shave your legs again in Texas, and that’s basically a jeggings equivalent.

Also, it’s gross.

Jen September 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

You are a rockstar, Ninja. Audit my course anytime and show these twattacular asshats how it’s done.
Jen recently posted.."Honk If You’re a Douchebag!"

Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Done.

Dani September 26, 2011 at 7:52 am

I just moved from CA to northern NY and pretty much it’s all crazy to me. But this took the cake… a few weeks ago I was chased down by a car with mom, dad, and kids in it, all screaming at me that I stole their dog. Why, you ask? Because I had my pug with me on my way to the store. And they, also, have a pug. When asked when their dog was stolen the dad replied, “Oh, I don’t know if it was stolen. We just saw you with a pug and thought you took ours.”

Truest fucking story ever.
Dani recently posted..When Awesomeness Goes Rogue

Noa September 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

“YOU STOLE MY PANTS. I WEAR JEANS, TOO SO I’M ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVE STOLEN THEM FROM ME YOU SON OF A BITCH.”

I really like that approach to life.

Elly Lou September 26, 2011 at 8:04 am

*blink, blink*

Seriously? I am in awe. AWE. Not to be confused with awwww. ‘Cause ain’t none of that sound cute. Though I did see a guy crossing 8th avenue wearing a live cat on his head last week. But seeing as how neither of them were wearing sparkly leg warmers, I feel like a disappointment. Also? Please tell me that pantyhose lady had her blouse tucked into her “pants.”
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

I would really love to watch someone try to get sparkly leg warmers on a cat. I would buy tickets to that shit.

And sadly no, she did not. She did, however, have galoshes on.

Smart Ass Sara September 26, 2011 at 8:05 am

Um, why are you not taking pictures of all of this?? Because I carry a camera at ALL TIMES.
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Misty September 26, 2011 at 10:23 am

This was EXACTLY what I was going to say! Day-um, Noa. Picture = Thousand words and all that shit. Get on it.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

@Sara: They’re always like ninjas, moving way too fast. And also, I cannot come up with fun excuses as to why I wish to photograph them. “Ma’am, ma’am hold up just a second. You look like an asshole. I need proof that you exist.”

@Misty: I’LL TRY OKAY.

Misty September 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

“You look like an asshole. I need proof that you exist.” Damn, I am trying that next time. I just get sneaky and act like I’m texting or something. It is hard to be stealthy sometimes. This is why most of my pics are of people’s asses. Easier that way.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:16 am

I can never be sneaky. I’m not really steady-handed, so I end up looking like a tourist anytime I take pictures.

Kelly September 26, 2011 at 8:41 am

I made the mistake yesterday of going to ye olde Dollar Tree across the street from the ghetto Walmart (it’s sad when you have so many fucking Walmarts in your town that they’re ranked in the order of ghettoness to “I don’t think I’ll get stabbed here”) because I wanted some cheap fall decorations (because if I decorate, it will come, right?). Turns out that wearing jeans and a t-shirt was formal wear in that store, as was having all of my teeth and showering, since I saw two different women in pajamas (one actually in a nightie) and slippers and no shit pink sponge curlers in their hair.

In the parking lot was a guy who looked like he lived in Ric Flair’s closet, so I guess maybe I was underdressed after all. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

I’m glad I’m not the only one who ranks Wal-Marts in order of ghetto. “No, let’s not go to that Wal-Mart, let’s go to the nice one.”

Nice, in Wal-Mart of course, being a very relative term.

Kelly September 26, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Nice for us is when we can make it through without being tempted to call CPS or ATF, and we feel like we can leave the kevlar in the car.
Kelly recently posted..PMS = Punch you in the Mouth Syndrome

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:17 am

Are you in Afghanistan?

Kelly September 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Tennessee. Same difference, really. Mountains, people you can’t understand, and guns.
Kelly recently posted..PMS = Punch you in the Mouth Syndrome

Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:29 pm

HAH.

Heather Heartless September 27, 2011 at 11:20 am

I work at one of those. They’re pretty spread out, so we don’t have a choice as to which one to visit. I can’t really judge these people considering I have my hair done in the kitchen of a basement apartment in THE ghetto. True story.

Our “Asset Protection Team” takes the most wonderful photos of our customers. Pray that they leave their jobs soon, because as soon as they do, that shit’s going on Facebook. I always loved the 300lb+ women that came in, during WINTER, wearing cut off jorts that might have been regular jorts on me, but turned into denim thongs on them. Then the mother of four with her tits hanging out. The woman that left her newborn at the hospital to bring her sister and her other kids to Wal-Mart to steal a bunch of shit, decide against almost everything perishable, and take it out of the cart and leave it on the bottom shelf in electronics.

We also have women with full beards, cross dressing door greeters, transvestite shoplifters, and men who find something sexually arousing about the way I clean the printer. And here I am thinking about giving up all of this minimum wage glory for a life of wiping asses in a hospital for $30 an hour. How. Could. I?
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:30 pm

The most exciting man I ever saw at a job was my crossdressing accountant.

Jaclyn September 26, 2011 at 9:55 am

Have you ever seen that shitty Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman movie where they basically fuck the entire movie? I can’t even remember the name but it’s all about orgies and shit and its the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. And basically Tom Cruise wears this robe and a creepy white mask the whole time and I think maybe you need to wear that to school.
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Misty September 26, 2011 at 10:24 am

Eyes Wide Shut. Craptastic.

Scary part? Nobody would probably notice if she did.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:04 am

@Jaclyn: Brilliant. I only have a towel through, so I’ll just wear it like a dress.

@Misty: I’m so glad I never saw it.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 12:14 pm

The mere thought of that Scientology Hobbit fucking anyone is enough to make me forcibly sever my carotid artery.
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Kelly September 26, 2011 at 7:30 pm

I think my vagina collapsed at the thought of The Tom naked procreating. His O face is the stuff my nightmares are made of.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:19 am

@Jen and Kelly: Remember when he was in Top Gun and it came out years later that the female co-star (Fuck Me I can’t remember her name) is a Lez, and that Most Likely Tom Cruise is Gay?

Is that what happened to Val Kilmer?

Jen September 27, 2011 at 11:26 am

Kelly McGillis (aka the Amish chcik who banged Harrison Ford in ‘Witness’). How the hell did this thread get so Amish all of a sudden?
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:31 pm

THAT’S who it is.

Kelly September 28, 2011 at 8:45 pm

He DOES have an easy listening album out. Oh, shit.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Exactly.

ColinP September 26, 2011 at 10:09 am

I think my most recent favorite was while driving on the New Jersey Parkway I kept passing the “Emergency message when flashing/Please tune to AM 510″ signs that were lacking the emergency flashing lights. Seriously it was just a sign and they were all like that.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

I don’t even have to make fun of New Jersey anymore. How does New Jersey get Chris Christie with so much bullshit?

Jaclyn September 26, 2011 at 10:09 am

OH, and I work in NYC so I see weird shit constantly. My personal favorite was the homeless guy who was spray-painted head to toe in gold. His skin, his clothes, his shoes, everything was gold. Including his mardi gras beads. Because when one does not have a place to live, one must adorn one’s self in a way that says “give me money”. And what says “show me your tits” … uh, I mean, “give me money” more than gold paint and mardi gras beads? Did I mention that he had a homeless lady friend who was napping with him in the park? She was, sadly, not painted gold.
Jaclyn recently posted..The Early Bird Gets the Taxidermied Cat (because you have to order those things WAY in advance)

Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

I really want to know the thought process that went behind painting yourself and all your shit gold. “You know what I want to exude today? Crazy.”

Jaime September 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

it’s douchebaggery at its finest and it’s running rampant on campuses across the globe….. I didn’t see it as a sign of the rapture, but I’m not religious.

maybe we’re all going to hell…. and the minions are hipsters.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

I’m not terrifically religious either, which is another reason why this is so disconcerting. It’s like those people who die, see Hell, and then are revived, and then they repent. I think God’s attempting that with me via ironic t-shirts.

Misty September 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

Oh, shit. I do believe you have named at least 5 signs of the apocalypse. Get thee to a church, heathens!!!

Also? How did you not bitch slap the girl in the bra and sparkly tights. That shit needs correcting. She can’t just walk around getting away with that.

I saw a very rubinesque woman a few weeks ago, walking around wearing black transluscent panty-Hos over a thong, with a shirt that only went to her waist. I was walking behind her up hill and it was a thing of beauty. I, being me, of course immediately whipped out the camera phone and documented that shit.

(not sure how you feel about links Noa, but this is the pic . . . )
http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/2011/08/05/if-it-pleases-the-court/

Oh, and “a movie about whores?” Praytell, which literary classic was this film depicting?
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Dani September 26, 2011 at 10:44 am

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being on top of that shit. Fan. Fucking. TASTIC.

That picture just made me so damn happy.
Dani recently posted..When Awesomeness Goes Rogue

Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

Misty’s pretty rad, yo.

Misty September 26, 2011 at 11:15 am

Happy to be of service. I feel it’s a public service to point out the fucktards I see on a daily basis, if possible. You’re welcome.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: In Which I Disappoint You

Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

@Misty: I loved so hard that photo of the woman. I cannot imagine the shit you see as a lawyer. (and I appreciate relevant links. The only thing that really drives me nuts is when people go ‘LOOK AT MY BLOG FOR NO GOOD REASON.’ S’why I have comment luv.) That sparkly tights bitch just sat there, and it was so weird because it was the only time she’s ever done that. Every other day: jeans and a t-shirt.

Johi September 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Misty- I thought of you immediately when I read this, because I know in my heart that you would have documented all of this. I went through a stage where I took pictures of random mullets that I encountered. You would have been so proud.
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Misty September 27, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Oh Johi, I definitely would have tried, that’s for damn sure.

I am proud! Have you done a post featuring these marvelous mullets yet? If not, I think it is a necessity. One musn’t keep such fabulousness to oneself, right? Ooh, maybe a guest post? That totally goes with my whole crazy asthetic.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:31 pm

CONNECTIONS. WITH MULLETS.

Jillian September 26, 2011 at 10:53 am

When you repent, be sure to ask forgiveness for all the toast you’ve eaten in your life. When Hell Guy, my college’s transient expert on God, redemption, and fiery pits of doom, visits for his bi-annual “lecture,” he is always ominously vague about the evils of toasters and anything that gets cooked by them. Especially Pop Tarts, because those things were designed specifically for the toaster, unlike bread which could be eaten on its own if we sinners hadn’t fucked it up with our new-fangled heating appliances.

Just looking out for your soul.
Jillian recently posted..The Wrong Side of the Bed– It’s Where I Keep My Stash of Doughnuts

Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

Good to know. I even have one of those fancy Star Wars toasters (that sometimes toasts pictures of asses and/or hearts instead of Boba Fett), so I may be beyond redemption.

Jillian September 26, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Maybe the hearts will save you. Hell Guy, he seems like a reasonable character when you disregard the oversized signs of “REPENT AND BE SAVED” and “JESUS LOVES YOU, BUT ONLY IF YOU LOVE WHITE NON-HISPANIC MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX,” questionable amounts of clothing under his oversized trench coat, and a beard with bits of yesterday’s tuna fish sandwich in it. St. Peter can’t be much more hard-hearted, can he?

Dear Sweet Mama September 27, 2011 at 9:00 am

I gave the Concubine a toaster accessory for her birthday that has the Holy Mother and her delightful son Jesus pictured upon it. That way you can make Holy Toast.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:20 am

I hope, with all that I have, than when Westboro Baptist Church shows up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is holding a giant neon sign that says, “God Loves Everyone, Even Unholy Dicks Like You.”

Jillian September 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I truly, truly believe that he will.
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nadine September 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

I FUCKING HATE HIPSTERS. If Hitler came back from the depths of hell, he would apologize for hating on Jews so much and then turn his Hitlery rage upon hipsters, the true scourge of the earth. Then we’d live in a society of people going “Hey, I guess Hitler’s not that bad after all” So yes, you are right that it is The End of Days.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

That really put it into perspective. Wow. You just really opened my eyes.

Andi September 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

Oh honey, there are clearly logical explanations for all of these things.

1) Pass/fail classes are almost impossible to transfer. These are people who hate their school and want to transfer, therefore the pass/fail anger.

2) Fraternity rush.

3) He’s campus security. Admittedly, they don’t usually wear loafers but I’ve seen stranger things.

4) Laundry day plus hangover. Frankly, you’re lucky s/he was dressed.

5) The art department had its funding cut again.

6) The least capable people on debate team, practicing.

7) Cosmopolitan is full of sex and dispenses bad advice with all the aplomb of the internet (and prettier pictures). Remember what you were interested in from ages 18-22? Yeah. They’ll look back on this and be appropriately embarrassed.

8) He’s seen the movie before.

9) You answered that yourself by starting with “a group of jocks.”

10) The tights as pants thing keeps trying to happen. She’s really dedicated to her cause.

As for the strangest thing I’ve ever seen? A guy in full drag having a tantrum in front of Walmart. That doesn’t sound so weird, but he didn’t shave — legs or face, had no make up on, wore a bad wig and was 6 ft 8 inches tall. I really don’t know what was going on there.
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Noa September 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

1) The class itself is not pass fail–just the papers. Meaning you have either a 100% or a 0%–even more baffling.

2) Rush got a lot nicer than the last time I saw it.

3) THAT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

4) That was ballsy to even come to class.

5) I hope it keeps getting cut, because that was amazing.

6) And poli-sci classes are where they congregate.

7) God, I hope so.

8) Well played, Andi.

9) Agreed.

10) Homegirl really needed just to let it go. When I can see the control top, they aren’t pants.

momiss September 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

This is exactly why I am terrified to have kids in college.
And this is exactly what the last couple of Political Correctness has bred.
Ewwwwwwww.
Obviously, you need to start carrying your wooden spoon with you and cracking heads. The odds that you will get arrested are high, but the odds that you can beat the wrap and end up on some kind of meds yourself are even higher.
Then it won’t seem so strange. Of course, you will be part of the robot army of clones then, and I will miss you, but it may be easier than finding another job. ;)

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:23 am

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

Joie September 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Honestly, I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

The thing I always wonder, is when I see the people like what you listed, is how in the hell am I THE ONE that is still single?? I mean, granted I don’t want one of those nutjobs, but still…I feel like I am an upper class grab bag of smarts and looks compared to some of these smarties with their control top pantyhose as pants and glasses with no frames in them…amazeballs, people.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

Niche Dating Markets=Limited pool of dicks.

It’s the downside to being normal.

Not that I have any fucking clue what that is like.

Jamie September 26, 2011 at 11:31 am

Not weird or odd, but GROSS. I work in a teaching hospital and some of the medical staff think that it is super cool to go to the hospital cafe in their booties, lab coats, masks designed to keep spraying bodily fluids out of their eyes. Really? Are you that low on the self-esteem totem pole that you have to sprinkle my effing salad w/ sick person cooties just so that everyone knows that you are *gasp* a doctor in training! WTF.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:25 am

Wow.

That’s fucking gross. There has to be some kind of hospital regulation against that shit, because then they’re tracking cafeteria shit BACK IN WITH THEM. That’s basically like sneezing in an open wound.

Rachael September 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

I’m in the computer area and there’s this chick. She has a bleached out mullet with streaks dyed different colors. Her pants: Black jeans that I almost thought were jeggings at first because they were so tight, which looked like she’d taken a razor to them every inch or three to make giant holes. Underneath: Tie-dyed tights. Her shirt: Navy blue, looks like it was a men’s 3XL before she cut it in half length-wise so it just covers her boobs. Underneath: Maybe a bra. Her face: Piercings, giant purple-plastic rimmed glasses, neon makeup.

This sight: Not too far out of the ordinary on my campus. Fucking college kids.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:27 am

WHY IS THAT OKAY?

WHO IS TELLING THESE KIDS, “OH GOD, YOU LOOK AWESOME TODAY?”

Adrian won’t let me wear a shirt I bought from Express because he says I look like a douche in it, and this bitch is taking classes like that?

CarrieW September 26, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I was going to say “that’s why I never left my dorm room except to go to class and trap a feral cat.” Then, I realized, someone carting off a caged screaming feral cat across campus could easily be on this list. Touche.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:28 am

My sister’s a vet student. I wouldn’t look twice if you caged a feral cat, I would only clap and offer medical assistance.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

One of my fucktards (oops! I mean students) showed up for class thios morning with a Jew-fro and a ‘Charles In Charge’ T-shirt. I get it, you’re being edgy and ironic just like all the rest of your little Wu-Tang clan hanging out at Urban Outfitters sipping your soy chai lattes. Please die.
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Front Desk Ninja September 26, 2011 at 11:03 pm

You’re a teacher?!?!?!?!?

Why aren’t there more of you, and in Canada, ready to teach me? Good lord, I never would have been such an asshole in school if I had cool teachers.

Jen September 26, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Working on my PhD and teaching undergrad courses as I work toward my doctorate. Oh my C-R-A-P if I thought there were grad students like you I would keep teaching for EVER!!!! Please do me ( and the rest of he world ) a favor and go back to school ASAP — we need more kick-ass independent thinkers like you!
Jen recently posted.."Honk If You’re a Douchebag!"

Jen September 26, 2011 at 11:49 pm

BTW: Please give your country a ginormous fist-pump for giving us Nathan Fillion. A-freakin-men.
Jen recently posted.."Honk If You’re a Douchebag!"

Front Desk Ninja September 27, 2011 at 4:00 am

And Ryan Gosling.
You *always* forget him!

Back in school. Both online (because working nights requires some sleep during the day, and the schools here are assholes who don’t work around that..) and part time for French. I’ve suddenly become super student. …I wonder if there are capes involved.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:29 am

JEN–STOP FUCKING LEAVING OUT RYAN GOSLING.

Fun Fact: Adrian can’t tell the difference between John Gosselin and Ryan Gosling!

Misty September 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Noa? Um, is Adrian . . . special? Because, wow.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:34 pm

@Misty: Sometimes? Not sure.

@FDN: I thought so, too, until we saw a preview for Drive, and Adrian asked, yet again, “The guy that fucked Kate for all those kids?” And then he blew my mind.

Front Desk Ninja September 27, 2011 at 9:44 pm

It’s the Goss in the beginning of the name.
Because Korean/…whatever the hell form of delicious Ryan is, do not resemble one another.
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Mamy September 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm

LOL, I am truly at a loss! How I miss campus life and all the weird shit that goes on there!!
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:31 am

Today there was a kid with a pretty killer body rollerskating (not rollerblading–rollerskating) around campus with cutoff jean shorts and a Celine shirt.

It was the best morning ever.

Leslie September 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I subscribe to your blog on my homepage just so I don’t miss anything and that’s great but it only picks up the written word and not pictures. So when this post came out I clicked over to the main url, PRAYING there were pictures.

No such luck. In all other ways you complete me.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

I’m so sorry. I’m a terrible paparazzo.

Hanna September 26, 2011 at 3:04 pm

WHERE do you go to school again?

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

I’m not allowed to give out the name for protection of the fuckrugs.

wagthedad September 26, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Oh, man. Noa, you just described my experience with college.

But don’t let that turn you off to “higher education.” N’k? Really. You just have to see college the same way you see the DMV when you go down to get your license renewed. All that matters is that you need that piece of paper. Ignore the fuckwaddles hanging about.

True story. In my last year of college, I had already met my Austrian wife. It was also just around the time Princess Di died. Real guy in one of my senior/honors level/I know how to work the system classes:

“Your wife must be real upset.”
:
“Umm. Why?”
“Because the Queen died.”
Not the princess. The Queen.
“Um…you mean Princess Diana?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I guess she’s probably a bit…touched by the whole thing.”
“Yeah, but she’s from EUROPE, right?”
“Yeah, but she’s not from England. She’s from Austria.”
“Oh, yeah, right….Austria…Land of KANGAROOS!”
And thus proceeded much bitch-slapping.
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Jen September 26, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Oh, Christ on a crouton that sounds like one of my students today.

ME: In this course we’ll be discussing evidence-based practices for educating children with classic Kanner’s autism. . .
FUCKWAD #1: Are we gonna watch movies? Like ‘Rainman’? That was dope!
FUCKWAD #2: Ooh! Or ‘Mercury Rising’? Bruce Willis was awesome in that! Wait, was that kid autistic or retarded?
FUCKWAD #1: No, he was autistic ‘cuz he was really good at math and retards aren’t.
ME ((repeatedly drumming my head against my desk))

Note to students: The Department of Special Education does not give you an exclusive right to act like YOU are mentally challenged. ((sigh))
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Misty September 26, 2011 at 4:21 pm

You may be completely justified in single handedly bringing back corporal punishment for those fucktards. I’m thinking a Dazed & Confused-esque woodshop created paddle for teaching those wastes of brain cell (yes, one …. between them) how to be less offensive frat boy assholes. Or at least just make it hard for them to sit down or date rape for a while. Do it!!
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

@Wag: My mother-in-law was technically born in Romania, though she classifies herself as Hungarian (because you know, WWII Fucked some shit up). The other day, someone asked her where her accent was from, and she told them she was from Romania. I heard that person then walk away and explain to someone else that she was Roman–like Caesar. YES.

@Jen: I fucking love that they are in classes for HOW TO EDUCATE SPECIAL NEEDS.

@Misty: Jen would immediately be fired for murder. Immediately.

Jessica September 26, 2011 at 5:29 pm

So it doesn’t quite compare to the atrociousness you’ve seen, but it’s common for the Engineers where I work to ride their bicycles to and from work. No biggie, right? Well, it wouldn’t be if I didn’t have to see them wandering around the cube farm in their lycra bike shorts, and pumping their tires next to my desk. And it’s not just one, it’s like seven of them, including the director. And let’s be honest, there are very few guys that can pull off wandering around an office in lycra shorts, director man, and most of these Engineers do not qualify.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

I think Allie from Hyperbole and a Half has a post about biking to work in work clothes/lycra, and it just may be the funniest shit I have ever seen–aside from imagining these engineers.

Kat September 26, 2011 at 5:41 pm

On campus in the student union I saw a dude walking around dressed in a penis costume and he had a sign that said “Picturs $1.o0! Pls provide own camara.” Then a couple of days later I saw someone holding hands with a 6 foot tall banana. The banana was holding hands with a 4 foot strawberry. I ♥ my college :)

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

That’s amazing.

WHERE IS THE COOL SHIT ON MY CAMPUS.

Kat September 27, 2011 at 12:20 pm

We also have these letters on the side of the library that spell FIU and they randomly disappear and then reappear. These letters are like 5 foot tall and up about 7 stories! Ya’know people will steal anything but them is some thrill seeking MoFo’s stealing those letters!!!

Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:34 pm

All we have is a garbage truck that spills flowers in front of the art building.

elizabeth- flourish in progress September 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm

#4? Yeah, I thought we agreed you weren’t going to make fun of the way I dress anymore? And I AM A WOMAN.

God, I missed you. Gotta catch up on all of your other genius.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

I told you only if you stopped wearing the greens shorts. They’re not okay.

Angie September 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm

So there’s another end of the world thing happening tomorrow. Take clean panties for the rapture.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:38 am

Shit.

toni in florida September 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Exactly.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Nailed it.

Susan, Super Earthling September 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

This is clearly a sign you’ve been chosen, Noa. Go ahead with your excellent plan to drink all the communion wine. You’re sure to see some holy visions and discover your special, sacred destiny. It’ll be fun! :D

As for crazy stuff, I must disqualify myself. I live in Portlandia, land of the terminally weird. I, of course, am completely normal.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:38 am

That sounds a lot like drugs. Where did you go to Church?

a September 26, 2011 at 8:08 pm

What college is that, exactly? I’ll need the latitude and longitude, so I know where to send the nuclear warheads.

We were having a discussion about something in my office the other day, and one of my coworkers was talking about something she couldn’t wear because it was ridiculous. I told her that she just needed to wear it “ironically.”

Weirdest thing I’ve seen: Way back before you were born, when I was in high school, I used to take the bus home from school. My high school was not in a particularly nice neighborhood, and the bus went through the ‘hood. One day, in the middle of winter, as I was waiting for the bus, I watched this charming woman lift up her skirt, exposing her long underwear right up to the large hole in the crotch, where she proceeded to give herself a most thorough scratching. Ah, the good old days – I just don’t get to see homeless people like that now that I live in the suburbs.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

Oh homeless people, you always delight. I saw a homeless man carrying a cash register like a boombox one day. I’ve never known just how to respond.

Tazer WP September 26, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Where the fuck do you go to school??? I need some yucks, I’ll join you!
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

Texas–and not even Austin, which makes it even stranger. This crap wouldn’t be out of place at TU.

Front Desk Ninja September 26, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I work nights, in a hotel, in the most ghetto part of the city closest to me.
I have had brides in full wedding getups, a theatre guy in a FULL spandex costume tap dance in the lobby for me (I refused to give him a room key until he performed. Girl’s gotta have some fun, right?)…. I can’t even start in on the ‘outfits’ the “working women” wear.

Or the amount of times ‘business’ men come in with their socks pulled up over their jeans, to their KNEES. I shit you not. I judge you if you’re over the age of 8 and you do this and there is no snow out there (with snow it’s justifiable- no one likes soggy feet from snow in boots), but to have the socks a)large enough to go over that much pant and b) all the way up to your KNEES, (KNEES!) ….. it hurts to look at.

I can only imagine what kind of outfits I’ll encounter at the local college tomorrow.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:42 am

What goes though your brain when you think, “I need maximum protection for my ankles. Socks over pants it is.”

Front Desk Ninja September 27, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Hey.
In the winter time, here in Canada, socks over the pants is the first line of defense in combatting the loss of your sock when removing from boot, and for protecting your ankles. It is a solid, solid stance of life. If you are under the age of 8.

After that, you learn to pack an extra pair of socks/pants.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:36 pm

I can understand in Canada in winter time. I’d be cool with that–wet pants is the fucking worst.

But summer?

Jess September 27, 2011 at 4:23 am

I WAS one of the weird sights in college, when one memorable night my best and I, armed with cheap plastic ninja swords acquired post-Halloween, dueled our way across campus at around 2 AM (stone cold sober, for the record). And during this we randomly ran across my Spanish professor…. that was awkward.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:43 am

I assume you then formed the Three Musketeers?

Norway October 2, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I’ve been in this position. Last spring my best friend brought light sabers and a cape to school, and my best guy friend and I spent lunch period duelling on the field. A couple of guys I didn’t know took videos and put it up on Facebook. I’d be embarrassed, but it was pretty epic.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Fuck being embarrassed–that sounds fun as shit!

Ashley September 27, 2011 at 10:18 am

Yesterday I was at an in-service for medical professionals on major depressive disorder, and there was a hipster medical student. A HIPSTER BABY DOC. Complete with skinny khakis, cardigan and deep v neck shirt, his pager hanging ironically off his skinny leather belt. He probably only diagnoses diseases you’ve never heard of and uses his stethoscope ironically. I almost vommed up my classy pharmaceutical company sponsored lunch

Noa September 27, 2011 at 11:44 am

I had no idea that hipsters had ambition to do more than cocaine.

Ashley September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am

ugh adding insult to injury is the fact that I DESPERATELY want to go to medical school… I’m a twice rejected, three times applied med school wannabe. How this jackass managed to get in and not me, I’ll never understand. I DON’T WEAR GLASSES WITH NO LENSES AND DON’T HAVE A RETARDED BOUFFANT MOHAWK. I’m already a better person than him based on that ALONE. I suddenly had to concentrate really hard on not stabbing him in the neck with my cheap plastic fork.

Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:38 pm

It’s the minority quotient. They have to let in a certain amount of douche.

homelesslady September 27, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Saw a woman at a 5K this weekend with the WORST fake tan EVERRRR!!!
It was Oompa Loompa Orange, no shit. But just on her legs. All other parts of her body were pale ass white.
Oh, and lest I forget. It was not an evenly distributed Oompa Loompa-ness. The front of the legs were brighter and the center of the backs of the legs were paler.
I tried to get my friends to take a picture but no one would.
Suckily, she finished ahead of me, but it did give me something to ponder as I ran.

Heather Heartless September 27, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I’ve seen people that had such an odd skin tone that I could figure out what race they were.

Prom tan is not a natural skin tone.
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Heather Heartless September 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

*Couldn’t. I’m having problems with contractions.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Like…like Ross from that episode of Friends where he only gets a spray tan on his front? Amazing.

Johi September 27, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Anytime someone is randomly shouting obscenities, especially in a conversation with themselves, I feel all giddy on the inside. The last time that happened was when I was out with a girlfriend in Old Town and a clearly deranged man was staggering/weaving down the sidewalk while arguing loudly and violently with himself. I looked at her and said, “That was so awesome.” and then I ate the rest of my sandwich.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Because shitshows are the bestshows.

Luda September 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm

So what campus are we talking about here? I want to enroll. These are my people.
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Noa September 27, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Or, you can live in Austin, and you don’t even have to study.

Lilscorpiosweet September 28, 2011 at 1:27 am

Hah!

Another reason I don’t go to school on campus. But you do have a point about missing the best shitshows. I live all the way in BFE Wyoming where the deer and the antelope Roam…. Oh sorry. I swear that song was just for this state. Anyway the craziest thing I seen was a 6ft tall “woman” wearing alternating striped tights in black and hot pink, a black pvc vinyl miniskirt, 9″ platform hooker boots (you know like Julia Roberts wore in Pretty woman? only these were combat boots), a leather bustier and Abby hair with hot pink clip in hair pieces, goth makeup and not tastefully done either.

I was awestruck. I kept staring and my mom had to smack me three times to get me back to planet Earth.

Also if you follow the link to my blog you can see my 13 year old rockin’ a Raggedy Ann Wig. I also swear that child is either going to be really interesting or severely fucked up. Either way I am sure someone uploaded it to peopleofwalmart.com

oh and I almost forgot about the cowboy wearing a blaze orange square dancing skirt with cowboy boots a blood red vest over an orange blouse and had a full beard and wore a brown cowboy hat carrying a purse.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I must know this cowboy. MUST.

Norway September 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm

My band teacher loves to talk about how screwed up some things/people are, and give us examples of said fuckery. Today in band we were talking about a small town in Minnesota where he used to teach. The town was called Climax. The town slogan is “Climax: More Than Just A Feeling.”

A woman from the town of Fertile was traveling through Climax on her way to another small town in Minnesota, when she for some reason dropped dead. It was written up in the local newspaper, and the title of the article was
“Fertile woman dies in Climax on way to Moorhead.”

That wasn’t a joke, people. He has the article laminated in his office.

High Schoolers + Sexually implicit phrases = We didn’t get much done today.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

MOTHER OF GOD Your band teacher is much more awesome than mine was. Mine was written up more than once for indecency.

Carri September 28, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Who are these 399 people? I’d like to kick each one of them in the taco.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I have a list for you.

Brian September 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

You are so lucky to witness these funny moments. Maybe If I take time to observe, I can find funny moments as well. You should be faster next time so that you can finally capture them in pictures.
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Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I’ll do what I can.

Non-Crisped Texan September 30, 2011 at 4:02 am

I’m really starting to hate playing Austin at all. Another male hipster who probably has a fixie bike TOUCHED MY FUCKING BEARD at the gig last night and said that “A bear like you should enter that beard contest up in Dallas”, which confused me, because I thought a beard was a woman married to a gay dude so he could pretend not to be gay even if everyone sees through it. I’m not shaving my beard, but I am contemplating wearing one of those cones I had to put on my dog when she was scratching one of her ears off due to a skin irritation, but that would interfere with eating outside of straws and chicken fried steak smoothie just doesn’t sound yummy. Maybe there’s a metaphor there? Austin college kids are like a skin irritation, but they are ambulatory and semi-sentient. Is there an ointment that could make that go away? I want to go buy a bunch of paint and paint ALL of their fixies YELLOW so that people would know they were free to use without asking permission…

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I want you to know that Friday night, I was sitting drunk on a curb (alone, because I’m a sad sack) and saw a pregnant hipster in tights with a green wig on rollerskate by.

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