It’s been a really long time since I read the Book of Revelation, and considering how my life is going right now, I really think it might be time for me to brush up a bit on the ol’ Jesus Readin’, because GODDAMN.
When I step onto campus, I’m bombarded with the reality that this is what Hell is like. Any day now, we’re gonna be going down faster than a greased whore in a Nascar bathroom. Grab your crotch Nancy, Satan is a-comin’!
Perhaps even more disconcerting than the bizarre amount of crazy that takes place on campus is the fact that I seem to be the only one that notices that any of the following events are even taking place. It’s straight out of the Twilight Zone–there’s a dragon hate-fucking Oprah in the middle of the Wal-Mart fishing department, but I’m the only one watching it.
God is warning me, with hipster bullshit, to repent–it’s the only way I can explain what I have seen in the past 3 weeks.
1. A group of beret-wearing hipsters loudly complaining that we would only receive pass/fail grades on assigned papers (meaning if you fucking wrote something down on a paper, you passed. You could write fuckrug all over a piece of paper, and turn it in, and you would pass this class with an A) because their writing was, “something to be used as a measuring stick to others.”
2. At least 7 men carrying around very large wooden crosses, but never acknowledging them. One of these men wore a pool rack on his head and was modocking around on a Huffy. I don’t have any words to describe the absolute bewilderment I felt.
3. A man walking in the center of a park on campus, speaking into a 1995 cordless phone with the antenna extended all the way. He was not homeless–guy had on a sweater vest and penny loafers. We were at least a quarter mile from any building. He was from the past, right?
4. A–woman? We’ll go with woman, sitting next to me in a freshman composition class, wearing a black sports bra, turquoise sparkly leggings, green hotpants, and gladiator sandals. AS THOUGH IT WERE REAL CLOTHING.
5. A gangly dude, singing a sweet-ass ballad loudly in Chinese, performing what I can only hope was a one-man flashmob dance in front of a giant statue of a Bald Eagle. I’ve never been more confused-ly patriotic.
6. 2 people dick-slapping one another in the saddest battle of wits I’ve ever seen, which included the following words and phrases:
- “I can never remember where Venzula is.”
- “Africa–you know, the island.”
- “Who is Donald Rumsfeld?”
- “Don’t you think the Media is to blame for 9/11?”
- “I’m double majoring in art history and radio. Also, Hello Kitty is my hero.”
- “9/11 never really happened. It was filmed–just like the moon landing.”
8. A man wearing a terrific Hawaiian shirt loudly providing hobo-quality commentary on the student newspaper while we watched a movie about whores in a literature class.
9. A group of jocks referring to Hungary as, “You know, the former Yugoslavia.”
And my personal favorite:
10. A woman wearing Control Top Pantyhose as pants, pairing it with a blue button-down shirt and what I assume is Bonne Bell’s 1998 cast-off lipsticks from their “Aspiring Dancer” line.
Hand to God, all of these things happened. These are real people doing these things–they drive cars, they procreate, they lead the country, they end up on TLC.
Goddamnit, I made myself depressed. Someone get me a rosary. And some nuns. And all of the communion wine.
Please tell me I’m not alone. What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen recently?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Andi: “Awesome! Thanks to Jamie, I now want to move to Paris and blog all about it. Jamie, do you take house guests? Just for a month or two? A couple weeks? Let me know, we’ll talk.”