WikiHow To Be Horrifically Maladjusted

08/17/2011 · 93 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

Remember being a teenager?

Trying to forget, mostly.

When you weren’t battling with your own body’s attempts to make you the most terrifically abysmal person that ever existed, you were constantly subjected to peer torture and the likes of Taylor Momsen and her eyeliner of angst.

She's 16. Shit's Bad, Yo.

Being a teenager is psychologically scarring enough that many people never overcome it.

Today, there’s no having to ask your parents for humiliating advice as we all had to–that’s what the motherfucking internet is for!

And after reading some of the ultra-helpful articles on WikiHow specifically targeted for teens, I conclude that it’s probably better advice just to come into school each day and send roman candles flying out of your poonsocket while you juggle beavers wearing snuggies and sing Whitney Goddamn Houston.

1. How To: Be Liked By Every Guy In Your School

Helpful advice: Wear deodorant, Be Flawless

Teenage girls, if you are reading this–you do NOT want to be the girl who’s liked by every single guy in school. That girl has the most cavernous rocketpocket you will ever lay your eyes upon. Large enough to chill champagne in. Like throwing a hot dog in Mauna Kea, but less pleasant.

It’s always a good idea to not be the smelly kid, but that whole, “be flawless,” bit? That’s whorespeak for OPEN WIDE.

2. How To: Be A Tween Guidette

Helpful Advice: Have a good love life. Be open to dating, don’t be a goody goody and all “I’m not aloud to date.” 

I copied that straight out of the article. Aloud to date. This sentence grammatically literally says, “I have not been speaking out loud up until this very date.” Mother of God.

Let’s dive right into where it says being a Tween Guidette, because that W there makes all the difference. Tweens are ages 8-12. Ma’am, if your 8 year old is concerned with her fucking love life and her ability to “house dance” (is that even a thing?), then it’s time to call in the clergy–that is one of the leading signs of demonic possession.

3. How To: Make A Barely Harmful Joint If You’re Under 18

Helpful Advice: Place the herbs into the small plastic bag.

The entire premise behind this article is basically training wheels for being a really shitty Juggalo. Herbs, in this instance, doesn’t mean weed–it literally means cooking herbs of almost any kind. Cilantro. Bay leaves. Mrs. Motherfucking Dash.

I cannot imagine how large of a douche it would take to smoke a gum wrapper full of Seafood Seasoning. What happens when that’s not good enough anymore and you have to transition to harder stuff like meat loaf seasoning and taco mix? JUST SAY NO, KIDS.

4. How To: Deal With Catching Your Parents Having Sex

Helpful Advice: Start screaming. Scream, scream, and scream. Until they promise they will never dare to look at each others’ sinful skin again.

I want to find the person who wrote that and give them the highest of fives.

5. How To: Start A Clique While Camping With Other Girls

Helpful Advice: Have your social events in your tent/cabin.

It’s never to early to have blow-and-champers mixers with the girls! Wasn’t camp a place where some girls learned what purple nurples were and other girls experimented with Forest Lesbianism? Since when did it become a WASP boot camp?

6. How To: Deal With Boys Who Are Obsessed With Your Boobs

Helpful Advice: Every. Fucking. Line.

Men cannot help being attracted to large, shapely breasts, and may not be able to control their actions when faced with them.”

Girl, shit is true. Just ask all the big-titted bitches–their chests become lighthouses in pervert bay the second they leave the house.

“If a man shows excessive interest in your breasts, gently change the topic and refuse to mention your body or anything sexual. However, be careful not to shift the conversation to anything involving milk, jugs, or large round objects like balloons, as this may end up spurring on his lustful behaviour.”

So, don’t mention your bowling ball, your cantaloupes, your jug band, your coconuts, your milk duds, that time you watched UP, your plate collection, or Violet Beauregard. Because titties, y’all.

If your boyfriend still shows obsessive interest in your breasts, try using aversion therapy. Rather than rewarding his interest with positive attention or sex, punish him with a sharp pinch, a slap, or perhaps a small electric shock. Soon he will learn to associate pain with desire for your breasts.”

I’m fairly sure this practice is what keeps dominatrixes in business.

“Girls with small breasts or breasts that aren’t perfectly round may not get as much attention from men – don’t worry, this means the only men who go for you are interested in your personality rather than your looks.”

Don’t worry, flat Nancy. You have your winning personality, disappointing raisins, and freedom to speak of round things that contain milk to carry you through your lonely, bitter years! HIP HIP HOORAY, YOU SAD SACK.

If you love your children, you won’t let them read WikiHow.

Did you ever get absurd advice as a teenager?

Typically here is where I post my favorite comment from the last post. I can’t, in good conscience, choose just one. Comment after comment were filled with incredible stories and overwhelming support. To those of you who have lost someone, I hope time helps heal your pain. To each and every one of you–thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Feryx August 17, 2011 at 2:04 am

I remember finding this – and then worrying about our future generations. If you don’t know how to wash your vagina, you shouldn’t be ‘aloud’ to live.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:09 pm

So, the brillo pad–it’s a bad idea?

Margaret Goerig August 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Oh, laughing out loud.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..Into the sunset

Noa August 19, 2011 at 12:59 am

Don’t wash your vag with us!

It’s Brillo’s new slogan.

Hoody Hoo August 17, 2011 at 6:53 am

Well, I’m currently busy trying to pack this hash pipe with Tony Chacere’s, but I think the worst advice I ever got was to “be myself.” HAVE YOU PEOPLE MET ME? I followed that advice, and look what’s happened.

Also, the “aloud” thing? May have given me a stroke.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Which Do You Want First?

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Be yourself, Hoody. Because everyone loves a belligerent drunk shouting in a cockney accent. At least, I do.

Hoody Hoo August 19, 2011 at 7:17 am

are you looking in the window again? I told you to just come in!
Hoody Hoo recently posted..The Talking Cure, Pt. 2

Vinobaby August 17, 2011 at 7:16 am

Holy crap. This was far too disturbing to read before I had finished my 2nd cup of coffee. Tweens start at 8? I am about to go into panic mode here–I will have a tween in 1 1/2 months. Not prepared. At least he’s a boy — I don’t have to worry about him getting knocked up and I know he cannot “house dance.”

Cheers. I need a drink now.
Vinobaby recently posted..times they are a-changin’

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm

There needs to be a Smoky The Bear type character for preventing Guido-ism. “Only you can prevent Snooki.”

Havilah August 17, 2011 at 7:28 am

I don’t even fit the “Tween” description now, much less when I was 8!! My mom would’ve grounded me for the rest of my teenager-hood.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm

It’s a weird invented age for Disney. Like Hallmark and Valentine’s day.

Havilah August 17, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Disney, Hallmark & Valentine’s day. 3 things I hate with a passion… most of the time. Disney used to come out with some pretty bad-ass stuff (c’mon, That Darn Cat was funny as hell). Hallmark is nice when they have that awesome “light painter” dude (name-fart). Valentine’s day people give me free dark chocolate! Somehow, I like being a normal person who doesn’t “have” to enjoy those things if I don’t want to. Tweens are completely overrated. ;)

Noa August 18, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Fucking Tweens.


Havilah August 18, 2011 at 4:31 pm

God, I hope that’s not some sort of premonition.

Misty August 18, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Noa August 19, 2011 at 12:59 am

I’m ashamed at what I started there.

Havilah August 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

OK, this has nothing to do with the comments thus far, but I literally roflmao-ed when I saw “Robin Sparkles”. And then I started singing. XD

Noa August 20, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You better have really meant literally.

Havilah August 20, 2011 at 2:19 pm

OK, let me rephrase…. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. My floor is too dirty to roll on (remodeling the house)… besides, I think I’d hurt my back if I tried.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Don’t do it. You’ll be sad and sticky.

Lorilei August 17, 2011 at 7:52 am

I’m going to go scan my daughter’s internet history now. Eek! As if we don’t have enough shit to worry about, now there’s “How to Be a Tween Guidette”?? Fuck me.
Lorilei recently posted..Star cake

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Soon, you’ll be seeing nightly news reports on how dangerous it is. FEAR THE GUIDO.

Kelly August 17, 2011 at 7:58 am

Well, it’s a damned good thing I keep that tazer in my purse for awkward moments when men are oogling my goodies. “Soon, he will learn to associate pain with desire for your breasts.” And if he LIKES pain? Awesome – I’ll come home one day to a paper bag full of ball gags and gimp masks sitting on the bed. NOT winning.

On another somewhat disturbing note, my 10 year old tween asked me this morning if I had ever heard of the website “Hot or Not”. To top that off, the news story this morning about the 19 year old who broke into a lady’s house to “feed” because he claims he’s a 500 year old vampire? She says, “He’s kind of cute.”

Excuse me while I shove my face on the waffle iron.
Kelly recently posted..Signs I know things are back to normal in my house.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm

The scary part? That advice is basically turning these people into non-diseased zombies, impervious to pain and feeding on the tits.

That would be a really fun porn to watch.

Kelly August 17, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I’d better start keeping a squirt bottle of napalm and a lighter by my bed. I don’t think gnawed on boobies is a good look for me. And in case mine are too small, my brain could use the protection.
Kelly recently posted..Things I learned and/or realized on my firstborn’s second birthday.

Noa August 18, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I have a napalm bottle specifically for my cats. You need a supersoaker for dudes.

Jaclyn August 17, 2011 at 8:00 am

God, Noa. Why do you hate New Jersey so much? IT ISN’T OUR FAULT WE WEREN’T ALOUD TO TAKE REGULAR ENGLISH!!! We only had classes in text speak.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Have a Wrinkle and a Midlife Crisis

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:18 pm

It’s an easy target.

Jaclyn August 18, 2011 at 8:16 am

Whatever Tejas
Jaclyn recently posted..I Have a Wrinkle and a Midlife Crisis

Noa August 18, 2011 at 3:59 pm

List one way in which Texas sucks. ONE.

Heather Heartless August 17, 2011 at 8:45 am

I’m pretty sure I just felt my left ovary shrivel up and die. It probably took a few eggs down with it.

Totally skipping over the whole pulling out conversation because we all had that at some point, the most frightening advice I was given came when I was around six or seven. That’s when I was told to ALWAYS use a condom because it didn’t even have to be in me to knock me up. We had a very open “If you’re old enough to ask, you’re old enough to know” policy in our home. That and we’d just watched the porn scene in Milk Money and I had a lot of questions.

My mother told me some time during high school that I should look into masturbation because it was excellent stress relief. To steal from you for a moment HRRRRCCCKKK.

When I was nineteen my step-dad told me “Go get laid, you’re too uptight.”



So which is it? I’m I loving myself or am I getting someone else to do it for me? No one tells you at nineteen that you’re probably already WAY better at it than your local stud for hire. (Payable in handy j’s and Big Macs.)

“If he’s a good dancer, he’ll be good in bed.” Prom just got awkward, y’all. It’s hard to ignore your date while staring at the pelvic gyrations of your friend’s dancing partner only to realize that it’s the kid that picks his nose in the lunch line. Thanks, Mom!
Heather Heartless recently posted..Now For an Unfunny Change of Pace

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I realize, logically, that it might be a good idea for parents to discuss masturbation with their children.

I also feel that it would be a horrifically scarring experience to hear my mom discuss anything resembling that even today.


Oh wait, no, my mom totally did that for my sister, but not with me. I think, secretly, she knew I’d just fucking laugh.

Heather Heartless August 17, 2011 at 11:02 pm

You should read my “They Put it WHERE?” post. That’s a lot of emotional damage to take on in so few years. There are only so many times you can see your parents naked, hear them having sex, or accidentally climb into the shower with one of them (true story) before the convent starts looking pretty awesome.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Now For an Unfunny Change of Pace

Jaclyn August 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

My parents split when I was really young and my mom HATES my dad so she always talked shit about how he was a bad lay and had a small dick. Yeah, if you can’t think of anymore more traumatizing than that, how about this: When I was like 19 she made some comment to me and one of my friends how she never had an orgasm till she was in her thirties. To which I responded “didn’t you masturbate though?”. And she was like “oh, umm yeah I guess if you aren’t afraid to talk about it I shouldn’t be afraid to admit it”. So yeah, shit got TALKED about in my house. I never needed to hear about my father’s dick though. That shit is just wrong.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Have a Wrinkle and a Midlife Crisis

Heather Heartless August 18, 2011 at 10:33 am

Sweet baby Jesus. I’ve had the “Your dad is small and unskilled” talk before too. And then it carried over to my step-dad when he pissed my mom off.

My dad has also told me ALL about his sex life (I did NOT need to learn about an Eiffel Tower that way) and what his blood pressure medication does to his junk. *Shudders*

I can’t even imagine your mom discussing her bean with your friends. Poor, poor you, Jaclyn.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Now For an Unfunny Change of Pace

Noa August 18, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I’m suddenly very grateful that my mom was really conservative.

Johi August 17, 2011 at 9:03 am

Shit! Men only like me for my personality???? I’m going to be alone forever.
Johi recently posted..If you don’t like me, it is obvious that you suck.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:21 pm

No tits=no love.

ColinP August 17, 2011 at 9:06 am

Like Hoody Hoo I think I had a mild stroke as well…

Ok if you issue your partner a mild electric shock each time they become obsessed with your knockers what is going to happen if you end up marrying this person and having spawn? Especially if you decide to breast feed? Now because of my job I am a fan of negative reinforcement (usually reserved for people I have to work with not those I am related to/love) but I cannot shake the image of the new mother raising the kidlet to her breast and the partner screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo” and diving across the room (in slow motion) to save the child.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:23 pm

If you click on the link, you can read the entire article where it says if you ever have sex with this person, then you must break up with them, because they are incurable.

That’s right. Having large tits is most closely related to being King Midas.

Andi August 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

This whole thread is making me giggle uncontrollably. Also making me glad the computer is out in the open, middle of the family room, for all to see.

My mom used to give the most hilariously bad advice, usually because she had no idea what she was saying. Some of the gems I remember:

“If you put out more, you would make more friends.”
Probably true, but I’m pretty sure your uptight conservative ass wouldn’t like it.

“You’ll probably feel a penis before you see one.”
True, yet somehow unsettling.

“Once you’re in the moment, guys don’t notice things like small chests.”
Great. Way to make me feel even more insignificant by suggesting that my problems can be solved by spreading my legs.

“You’ve always been very sexual, ever since you were a baby.”

And during a church sermon on Mary and the Annunciation (where she is told that she’ll have the baby Jesus):
“Yeah, if you came to me with a story like that, I wouldn’t believe you either.”
That’s the point, Mom. IT WAS A ONE OFF.
Andi recently posted..The Tyranny of Sexy

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

“You’ll probably feel a penis before you see one.”
True, yet somehow unsettling.


Andi August 17, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I’m pretty sure it was the same conversation where I told my mom and my godfather that I had kissed a boy after a school dance. I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, and my godfather suggested that I kiss him the same way. I think I gave him a quick peck on the lips, which is NOT what I got from my classmate.

I have no idea how sex came up, but I think bacne was part of that conversation too. And now I’ve traumatized myself all over again.
Andi recently posted..The Tyranny of Sexy

Johi August 18, 2011 at 11:13 am

Am I the only one who thinks it is weird that your Godfather suggested that you kiss him the same way? I feel like I need a shower.
Johi recently posted..If you don’t like me, it is obvious that you suck.

Andi August 18, 2011 at 11:47 am

My entire family is like a PSA for sexual harassment. You’re welcome.
Andi recently posted..The Tyranny of Sexy

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I stopped on that one too and thought, “Wow. That man is a goddamn pedophile. What. In the shit.”

Goddamn Andi. Your family is ridiculous.

Havilah August 17, 2011 at 10:05 am

This isn’t advice per se, but it was the first thing that came to mind.
I was raised to be one of those children that are seen & not often heard. Consequently, I am a shy low-talker who is constantly being embarrassed by her college buddies just because she’s quiet & reserved. Being quiet was great when I was little… not so much now. (Thanks bunches mum & dad.)

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Ah, you too?

Don’t worry. You eventually get over that shit. Seen and not heard my ass.

Havilah August 17, 2011 at 11:25 pm

There are others like me? Thank god, I’m the quietest person I know. >:(
Said college buddies are trying their damn hardest to re-train my brain to allow me to talk more openly. Great guys. Haha

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Just hang with it. I’m a motherfucking comedian–you can overcome.

Havilah August 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Will do. Of course, as a comedian, you probably have a much better coping mechanism than I do… or maybe that’s just me being stereotypical. (I know a writer who passed up the chance to do comedy, & that woman has the biggest girl-balls ever. She’s fucking hilarious! It’s almost too bad that she makes a good living as a sci-fi writer…)

Noa August 19, 2011 at 1:00 am

This woman sounds fucking awesome.

Havilah August 19, 2011 at 8:44 am

Did I mention that she used to work with a medieval troupe? She made swords & armor & fought sword-fights. She deserves to say that she puts the “me” in awesome!

Havilah August 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

ALSO: This woman has started The First Church of DBAA (Don’t Be An Asshole). If you are a member you must not be an asshole at all times, & as a member you have the right (duty, even) to tell other people when “they” are being assholes. ^_^

Norway August 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Do you think God would mind if I joined this church as well? Am I allowed be a Christian AND DBAAian, or will I be smited?

Havilah August 19, 2011 at 11:56 pm

She & I are both Jewish. I think you’re fine. :)

Noa August 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

She’s amazing.

Havilah August 20, 2011 at 2:21 pm

She’s made me laugh at those get-togethers that happen right after funerals. She’s fucking hilarious. XD

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm


Misty August 17, 2011 at 11:52 am

Oh my gawd, was this also titled “How to Raise a Whore?”

I am so glad I have boys. But now I have to worry about some idiot with a cattle prod who decides that he is just too damn interested in her large or perfectly shaped breasts.

The good news is that society and education seems to be going to hell in a handbasket, so these dummies probably can’t even read this advice. Hooray??
Misty recently posted..“Let’s Go To The Mall!!” (sing it in your best Robin Sparkles voice)

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:26 pm

That’s pageantry you’re thinking of. Easy to mix the two up.

We can only hope they can no longer read. It’s George Orwell’s greatest nightmare.

Kelly August 18, 2011 at 10:49 am

“How to Raise a Whore” just might be the manual all the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras are reading.
Kelly recently posted..Things I learned and/or realized on my firstborn’s second birthday.

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Didn’t that one pageant mom write a book about her 6 year old? I’ll bet that’s what it was.

Tazer Warrior Princess August 17, 2011 at 2:22 pm

This is the most fucked up shit. I just spit out a huge bite of ravioli laughing.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Think about these articles next time you watch the national spelling bee. The incongruity of it all will fuck you up.

Rachael August 17, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Wait, when the fuck did starting a clique become a GOOD thing? Didn’t these assholes watch Mean Girls?

The advice I got as a teenager was to be awesome, and to be more awesome than everyone else, so I did. It worked. Looking back, it isn’t surprising that it was so easy to be more awesome than everyone else. I mean, we were teenagers. We all sucked. I just had to suck LESS.
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Fortnight: Prescription Warnings

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I’m really hoping all of these articles were written by tweens, but I don’t think that’s the case. Most were too articulate.

That is the best advice I have ever seen. BE AWESOME. Now I want to have kids just so I can raise them on this.

Havilah August 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm

That is seriously EPIC advice. I’m also glad to know that I wasn’t the only one picturing the “Mean Girls”. If I had any friend who read any of that “advice” & acted accordingly, I would bitch-slap them out of it in a heartbeat. They just don’t deserve to do that to themselves (or anyone else).

Noa August 19, 2011 at 1:01 am

Mean Girls had apparently the same effect as Wall Street did on how sleazy stock brokers are these days. Way to go, Tina Fey.

The Onion August 17, 2011 at 10:23 pm

If you are looking up advice on how to be cool…I think ya just failed tween. :-) That whole trying part is what kills it.

Noa August 17, 2011 at 10:28 pm

There was one article called, “How to be liked if you are unfortunate with your looks.” I laughed really really hard until I read it and it was just the saddest shit I’ve ever seen. Thinking about being a teenager makes me depressed.

Rudy August 17, 2011 at 11:22 pm

I heard the old “Putting out wont get you love.”

That was a fucking lie.
Rudy recently posted..New header and new look

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm

That’s like, “Money won’t buy you happiness.” Let’s be honest, sex and cash do go a long way.

Meg August 18, 2011 at 4:14 am

You know what I find disturbing? Taylor Momsen.
Meg recently posted..Beautiful Island

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm

She’s fucking terrible. Fucking. Terrible.

Kella August 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm

…but enough about what her boyfriend had to say….

See what I did thar?
Kella recently posted..My soul is not for sale. I’ll consider fair rental fees, however…

Noa August 19, 2011 at 1:02 am

She’s over men. She’s got a very ‘adult’ life. Remember when we all said that at 16? Yeah. She needs to shut the fuck up.

Kella August 18, 2011 at 10:20 am

I read that, and while I agree with your assessment of Taylor Momsen’s makeup, what I took away from your post was this:

Sweet hopscotching Christ, she wore elbow-length gloves in that picture…

I’m not sure if that helps or ruins my image of you. I’ll tell you after I’ve finished drinking.
Kella recently posted..My soul is not for sale. I’ll consider fair rental fees, however…

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm


There’s a lot of things I regret.

Havilah August 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

There should be some sort of meter that will give a warning to parents when they are about to cross the line of “just plain creepy” when talking to their children. Some of that shit (at the time) is horrifically scarring. My mom had the “talk” with me twice. My guess is it was because she decided that the first time had not scared me sufficiently. It was incredibly awkward as well, because I am a bookworm & consequently had read about all of this years before. I was stupid enough to tell her that & then she wanted “details” about what I knew. For an 11-year old that is a harrowing experience. -_-

Noa August 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I can’t imagine that it’s any better on the other end of things. Can you imagine going up to a child and being all, “Dicks, yo. Dicks.”

Havilah August 18, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Hmmm…. hadn’t thought of that before. However, knowing the woman, I can honestly say that she wasn’t too uncomfortable (unfortunately). Part of me also wonders about the poor public-schooled children who had to be told all of this in Sex Ed. by some teacher who they probably don’t know that well. As bad as it was to sit through at all, hearing it from someone who doesn’t even know me that well (yet takes it upon themselves to tell me every gory detail of what will/is happening to me)… that would be make me want to kill myself (or them) with a pencil.

Noa August 19, 2011 at 1:02 am

That Sex Ed? Mostly just pictures of diseased vaginas. No lie. It’s just scarring either way.

Havilah August 19, 2011 at 8:47 am

To borrow from you….. HRRRRRRRCK! Good god…. *vomit*

Noa August 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I was being nice. The woman teaching it burst into tears midway through.

Havilah August 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Did they not warn her?? “Oh yeah, you just have to teach this little class. Oh by the way, some of the material will make you want to crawl back into your mothers’ womb & quiver in fear.”

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

She was hired by the school. It was so weird, she just burst into tears about how her sex life was awful and how she suspected her husband of being a sexual addict. I was a 7th grader.

Hand to God, that happened.

Havilah August 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

And they had her teaching that?! Holy shit…

Jaime August 18, 2011 at 10:56 pm

personally I find slapping or pinching my bf any time he touches my boobs to be very useful………..

then again.. I have always like the idea of being a dominatrix.

thanks noa for helping me realize my lifelong dream!
Jaime recently’s so FUZZY………….. the meaning behind the name

Noa August 19, 2011 at 1:03 am

FUCK YES. I’m so glad I can help you realize your dreams of strap ons.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Oh yes. I was told to ignore the motherfuckers who were being mean or snobby. Actually, that is NOT the correct way to handle motherfuckers. The correct way is to steal their homework while they are not looking right off their desk and then pretend not to know what is going on when he spends 20 minutes looking for it……..Not that I ever did this. No, NO, not me.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: Sir, your hand is on my ass.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm

And this is why you’re better with people than I am. I just cry–you get even.

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