Remember being a teenager?
When you weren’t battling with your own body’s attempts to make you the most terrifically abysmal person that ever existed, you were constantly subjected to peer torture and the likes of Taylor Momsen and her eyeliner of angst.
Being a teenager is psychologically scarring enough that many people never overcome it.
Today, there’s no having to ask your parents for humiliating advice as we all had to–that’s what the motherfucking internet is for!
And after reading some of the ultra-helpful articles on WikiHow specifically targeted for teens, I conclude that it’s probably better advice just to come into school each day and send roman candles flying out of your poonsocket while you juggle beavers wearing snuggies and sing Whitney Goddamn Houston.
Helpful advice: Wear deodorant, Be Flawless
Teenage girls, if you are reading this–you do NOT want to be the girl who’s liked by every single guy in school. That girl has the most cavernous rocketpocket you will ever lay your eyes upon. Large enough to chill champagne in. Like throwing a hot dog in Mauna Kea, but less pleasant.
It’s always a good idea to not be the smelly kid, but that whole, “be flawless,” bit? That’s whorespeak for OPEN WIDE.
Helpful Advice: Have a good love life. Be open to dating, don’t be a goody goody and all “I’m not aloud to date.”
I copied that straight out of the article. Aloud to date. This sentence grammatically literally says, “I have not been speaking out loud up until this very date.” Mother of God.
Let’s dive right into where it says being a Tween Guidette, because that W there makes all the difference. Tweens are ages 8-12. Ma’am, if your 8 year old is concerned with her fucking love life and her ability to “house dance” (is that even a thing?), then it’s time to call in the clergy–that is one of the leading signs of demonic possession.
Helpful Advice: Place the herbs into the small plastic bag.
The entire premise behind this article is basically training wheels for being a really shitty Juggalo. Herbs, in this instance, doesn’t mean weed–it literally means cooking herbs of almost any kind. Cilantro. Bay leaves. Mrs. Motherfucking Dash.
I cannot imagine how large of a douche it would take to smoke a gum wrapper full of Seafood Seasoning. What happens when that’s not good enough anymore and you have to transition to harder stuff like meat loaf seasoning and taco mix? JUST SAY NO, KIDS.
Helpful Advice: Start screaming. Scream, scream, and scream. Until they promise they will never dare to look at each others’ sinful skin again.
I want to find the person who wrote that and give them the highest of fives.
Helpful Advice: Have your social events in your tent/cabin.
It’s never to early to have blow-and-champers mixers with the girls! Wasn’t camp a place where some girls learned what purple nurples were and other girls experimented with Forest Lesbianism? Since when did it become a WASP boot camp?
Helpful Advice: Every. Fucking. Line.
“Men cannot help being attracted to large, shapely breasts, and may not be able to control their actions when faced with them.”
Girl, shit is true. Just ask all the big-titted bitches–their chests become lighthouses in pervert bay the second they leave the house.
“If a man shows excessive interest in your breasts, gently change the topic and refuse to mention your body or anything sexual. However, be careful not to shift the conversation to anything involving milk, jugs, or large round objects like balloons, as this may end up spurring on his lustful behaviour.”
So, don’t mention your bowling ball, your cantaloupes, your jug band, your coconuts, your milk duds, that time you watched UP, your plate collection, or Violet Beauregard. Because titties, y’all.
“If your boyfriend still shows obsessive interest in your breasts, try using aversion therapy. Rather than rewarding his interest with positive attention or sex, punish him with a sharp pinch, a slap, or perhaps a small electric shock. Soon he will learn to associate pain with desire for your breasts.”
I’m fairly sure this practice is what keeps dominatrixes in business.
“Girls with small breasts or breasts that aren’t perfectly round may not get as much attention from men – don’t worry, this means the only men who go for you are interested in your personality rather than your looks.”
Don’t worry, flat Nancy. You have your winning personality, disappointing raisins, and freedom to speak of round things that contain milk to carry you through your lonely, bitter years! HIP HIP HOORAY, YOU SAD SACK.
If you love your children, you won’t let them read WikiHow.
Did you ever get absurd advice as a teenager?
—Typically here is where I post my favorite comment from the last post. I can’t, in good conscience, choose just one. Comment after comment were filled with incredible stories and overwhelming support. To those of you who have lost someone, I hope time helps heal your pain. To each and every one of you–thank you from the bottom of my heart.