Letters to Insufferable Members of Society: College Freshman

08/29/2011 · 207 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society,Social Services,What Is Wrong With You?

Dear College Freshmen,

This is the time of your God-Forsaken life! The first time you’re all on your very own. Mom and Dad aren’t here to look down their noses at your wacky antics–you’re choosing your own friends and classes and food and life and terrible booze. You’re setting your own schedule, living life the way that you always wanted to. You’re going to change the goddamn world with your go-getter attitude and all recommended textbooks.

You’re full of hope and opportunity and the wealth of times to come. The whole world wants you to succeed.

And I’d really love nothing more than for you just to Go. The Fuck. Away.

Realizing that at only 24-years-old I am the oldest person in this class of 400 was horrifically jarring in and of itself. Honestly, it really only added the magic when you said to me:

  • “Wow, this professor is really tough to hand out a syllabus with all the work already planned.” By tough did you mean handed you a golden goddamn ticket?
  • “Did you and your husband get married after prom?” Yes, we did–12 years after his prom. 
  • “Are you going to rush for a sorority? You’re not too old!” Are my tits sagging yet? I need something to bludgeon you with.
  • “It takes me like, 15 minutes to get to this class. It’s sooooo far away.” Sorry, what? I was too busy driving and hour and a half through traffic and then walking a mile or so in 111 degree weather with swamp-tits to hear you. 
  • “I thought people your age went to ITT Tech.” Just…just fuck you. 

And no, I am not going to buy you any alcohol. You need to learn some respect for the Good Captain Morgan–enjoy Boone’s Farm for 4 years, motherfuckers.

Knowing full well that you don’t understand why Bill Clinton is famous for more than being president, that LBJ doesn’t mean LeBron James, what the world is like without the internet, and that Looney Tunes are a thing makes the hatred in my heart bubble and fizz like the soup in Satan’s Old Folks Home–full of angst and whippersnappers.

Let me, in my apparent old age, let you in on a few hints for success so you don’t end up being Ol’ Ma Gavin one day, lamenting in what-the-fuckery.

  • When someone offers you free booze or food, take it. It’s survival or stranger danger now–your move, bitch.
  • When your parents give you money, be grateful. Other people have to be more than an unshowered stoner to earn a living.
  • When your professors tell you their names, don’t shout dick-jokes about them. No one’s impressed at your ability to rhyme Long with Schlong. Next time you do it, I’mma punch you hard enough that your dick will become self-aware and reject your body.

Before you get all indignant and college-hippie and protest my ass with a peace rally and a shitload of weed, I want you to understand that I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve had it made and fucked it all up–and spent years working shitty jobs eating pickles and Sweettarts for days because that’s all I had, listening to my friends with scholarships be more awesome than I could ever be.

So I have one final thing to tell you, and for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus, if you hear nothing else from this letter, hear this:

Shut the fuck up. You’ll be amazed at how easy life can be if you’re not a giant fuckrug.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

I need tips on how to deal with these bastards. Have any fun experiences with goddamn teenagers and their newfangled fuckery? When was the first time you ever felt old?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Marinka: “Pfft, I’ve been a Wendi Aarons fan for years. I even have her autograph!”

 

{ 205 comments… read them below or add one }

Meg August 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

Reading this made me feel old. Twenty-four Noa? You are still a babe. No offense. I would have never guessed because you are wise beyond your years. Plus, my baby turned 10 last week. All three of my kids are in double digits. My oldest is 16. It’s a constant battle between wanting him to be the sweet little boy he was and wanting to fucking strangle the teenager that he is. He knows everything. Shoot me now.
Meg recently posted..Happy Birthday Maddy

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

No offense taken! I’m absolutely still very young, which makes this experience so much weirder–they see me as an old lady, and I’m just now beginning to feel like I’m even an adult.

And PS-I’m available for hire for teenager beatings. I have good rates.

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Meg August 29, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I might have to take you up on that. It would make me feel a little less bad about wanting to beat the shit out of my own offspring.
Meg recently posted..Happy Birthday Maddy

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I’m a giver. Of contusions.

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Rachael August 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

Oh FUCK I’m turning 24 right before classes start. Two years ago I took an intro to Italian class (which was full of freshmen, of course) and we had to learn how to ask “How old are you?” and answer “I am this old.” One girl asked how old I was and I said 22 (which is a PERFECTLY NORMAL AGE for a college senior, not even old by college kid standards) and she responded “Wow, you’re OLD!” and I wanted to punch her 18-year-old face. I hated her so much. (Two years later she is one of my best friends.)

But I can totally sympathize with the college kids thing, even *technically* being one myself. I tend to avoid talking to people in my classes and rush home as soon as they’re done because they are, as you have pointed out, insufferable members of society. I mean, for the most part. I hope you’re ready to deal with a lot of hipsters.
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Fortnight: Plastic Surgery You Really Want

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 8:58 pm

OH MOTHER OF GOD THE HIPSTERS.

I didn’t know belly shirts were a thing again, especially wispy, ill-fitting ones that make you look like you way 20 pounds heavier instantly when you pair them with teeny tiny jean shorts.

And rompers. Bitches.

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Meg August 29, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Fad I totally don’t understand: Chubby girls wearing skinny jeans 3 sizes too small for them! What the fuck are they thinking? I’m a size 18, so this is not about their weight, it’s about having some fucking pride.
Meg recently posted..Happy Birthday Maddy

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I just wonder how much Crisco was involved in all steps of dressing.

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Bill G. December 10, 2011 at 10:40 am

Isn’t the big thing about being a hipster is that you’re being non-conformist? It doesn’t work that way when 80% of the campus is doing it. (Let’s all get together and be different by all doing the same fucking thing!!!) And I don’t understand why a person would want to look like Woody Allen circa 1973 anyway.

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Front Desk Ninja August 29, 2011 at 1:12 am

I’m only 23. 22, actually, but my birthday is in September.
The day I felt oldest was when my best friends niece, who is 15, was talking about her new boyfriend Rocky. I made the joke asking if he ran up a lot of steps, and SHE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND.
Someone under the age of 10, I can understand this.
She is almost out of high school, Noa.
The child wasn’t educated on Sly.

The grey is coming in more and more everyday.
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Jaclyn August 29, 2011 at 8:50 am

The fact that you aged yourself as older because your birthday is coming up is the major difference between early 20s and late 20s. I just turned 29 in June and I told people I was 28 right up until the day I turned 29, and then I cringed having to say it. I remember being 19, 20, 21 and saying shit like that “oh, I’ll be 22 in June”. Now I say “well how old do you think I look? I can pass for 25 right?”.
Jaclyn recently posted..I’m FEMA, you guys

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Front Desk Ninja August 29, 2011 at 11:07 pm

I hit 25 and I’m done aging. I just want the insurance companies to stop trying to make me pay as much in insurance as I do in rent.

Try referencing Bill Nye to someone under the age of 20. Just try. If they can’t start singing the theme song from that, or Fresh Prince, then they are not worth your time and likely going to need a punch or two.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Protips To Successfully Renting A Room In A Hotel

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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:27 pm

In West Philadelphia…

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Jen September 5, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Bonus points if you can reproduce either (a) Carlton’s Molly-Ringwald-esque-white-boy dance or, (b) Tatyana Ali’s foray into pop music circa season 3. HOLLA!
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To the Frat Boys at My Gym

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Havilah September 6, 2011 at 5:54 am

What would happen if we started doing the Carlton dance to the theme of Bill Nye the Science Guy?

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:00 am

@Front Desk Ninja: I made a reference to the Breakfast Club in one class, and you’d have thought I shit my depends or something. Old as shit now.

@Jaclyn: I crossed that lovely age-rounding threshold just this June! I didn’t believe anyone when they said 21 would be the last birthday I looked forward to, but yeah, now I see the light. And Centrum Silver, apparently.

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Heather Heartless August 29, 2011 at 9:59 pm

My brain totally took that to “Rocky loves Emily! Rocky loves Emily!”

I will reach into my tatty robe and throw one of my nine feral cats at you if you don’t get that reference.

Get off my lawn.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

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leslie August 29, 2011 at 10:03 pm

THREE NINJAS MOTHAFUCKAS!!!!! DON’T DRINK THE SODA!!!!
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I can’t describe the utter joy I feel when I read comments this amazing.

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SnarkMistress August 29, 2011 at 1:19 am

I’m a senior and mentoring freshmen biology majors this semester. They make me want to jump off a cliff into a pool of sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. It doesn’t help that they are all a full decade younger than me. They’re dicks and I detest them!!!! *scoff* *splutter* *scoff* Does commiserating count as advice? I got nothing else.
SnarkMistress recently posted..snarkmistress: Dear Chris Brown, You are still a douche. Love, Everyone That Ever Existed.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:00 am

Commiserating is excellent. It was lovely to find out I’m also older than most of the TA’s in my classes. Goddamn freshmen with their hopes and dreams an attitudes.

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Teresa August 29, 2011 at 2:11 am

I am 23 years old and I am a senior. (Finally after transferring from a non-traditional school to a traditional university) I feel old because I am a mom. I have a 2 year old son and while everyone else seems to just roll out of bed and can meet up out of class without babysitters or talk about drinking and partying all the time…. Or who get to sleep in on the weekend….Or have all this extra time do class work…

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:01 am

No matter the age, there’s always a special place in my heart for moms who go to school–I can sometimes barely get my own ass to class on time. You’re a fucking badass.

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Jen Reinmuth August 30, 2011 at 2:22 pm

True ‘dat, my sistah; I didn’t go back to grad school until I was 37 and was a single mom of 7-year-old twins. It wasn’t easy, but I tore that shit up and now my fucktard ex-husband has to call me DOCTOR Bitch.
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Reality Killed the Video Star

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Noa August 31, 2011 at 12:23 am

That must be immensely satisfying.

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Jessica August 29, 2011 at 3:47 am

I can’t wait to go to college. By that time, half the guys should be literate beyond a Neanderthal level and their penises might be less microscopic than the ones you see in high school.

DON’T YOU DARE BURST MY BUBBLE.
Jessica recently posted..I need a thousand naked Adam Levines before I can be myself again.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

I haven’t laughed so hard at a comment in a long while. They only get worse. Enjoy!

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Andi August 30, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I feel I should offer up my experience here. The dicks indeed get bigger. In every way.
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 1:58 pm

This is true. Win some, lose some.

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Metta (and the letter M) August 29, 2011 at 4:13 am

I’m looking at the unpleasant view of impending 40, which for some reason actually is upsetting me more than when I turned 30.

Some guy who made a website getting Times Man of the Year made me feel old.

Little kids playing shit on iPhones make me feel old, let alone owning the damn things, that’s what nintendo is for.

But when I feel old, and cranky, the absolute best website to feel better is http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com
Metta (and the letter M) recently posted..A small list of things I’d fix if I ruled the world

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Watching my toddler nieces ski better than I could ever hope to makes me feel so very old as well. And when they fix my phone for me. Ridiculous.

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Heather Heartless August 29, 2011 at 6:10 am

It’s a very odd and unsettling feeling knowing that I’m older than you. I feel like my world has developed more gravity, about chest high, and that there’s a black hole somewhere.

When I decided to hit up Ye Olde Community College at 23, I had to share almost all of my classes with kids in high school. Some of them couldn’t even drive and they were takng on Calculus like Goddamn champions while I searched for my abacus.

I feel your pain, Noa. I felt it when every one of my Stewart jokes fell flat. When I found out they thought that Bayside was a band and not a high school. When I realized that I had been sneaking off to smoke while they were in nap time. When I had to check fucking ID’s before I let someone bum a smoke.

It’s also kind of bad that I now feel old and there’s probably less than a year between us. Just remember, it’s never too late to catch up on the instant hangover that is Boone’s Farm because it’s fucking delicious… even though our adult bodies force us to chug the entire bottle of 4% alcohol because it tastes like Kool-Aid and childhood and when dreams still could come true… and then violently throw it all up again.

Gag and rally, Noa. Gag. And. Rally. Teach them a new life skill.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

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Margaret Goerig August 29, 2011 at 12:27 pm

“When I had to check fucking ID’s before I let someone bum a smoke.”

That’s so brilliant.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:02 pm

She’s a class act.

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Heather Heartless August 29, 2011 at 10:02 pm

I’m a Goddamned lady.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Heather, you are fucking magical.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:01 pm

This read like William Wallace leading a revolt against terrible booze and young’uns and I have rarely been so inspired to spread the love.

RALLY HO, MOTHERFUCKERS.

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Vinobaby August 29, 2011 at 6:23 am

Now I feel like a raisin-faced hag. I can’t even freaking remember 24. I do remember 18 and going wild as a college freshman. I can’t tell you a class I took. I was too busy being obnoxious and testing the bounds of my freedom.

And you must remember that the boys are just…well they are still BOYS. Raging balls of hormones just begging to get laid for any reason. They have to be obnoxious. Their lower brain is expanding faster than their upper brain at this age.

Nope, I don’t miss it. Good luck & cheers.
Vinobaby recently posted..When Grace is Gone

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Thanks for the good luck wishes–I’m going to need them if this punk in my politics class feels the need to shout his agenda…again.

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FireMom August 29, 2011 at 6:33 am

Ignore them. 90% of them will eff up their own time there anyway. Just bet your awesome self.
FireMom recently posted..Thoughts and Prayers to Our Favorite Place: Emerald Isle, NC

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:04 pm

FUCK YES.

That I can do.

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Hoody Hoo August 29, 2011 at 6:56 am

Well, FUCK. Considering that you’re my second Constant Reader in less than a month to point out that YOU’RE YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE MY ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL-PLAYGROUND BABY!!! Imma just sit over here and wait for the After-School Special people to call. But seriously, this can go 2 ways — either you pat them on their wee heads and say “Aw, it’s sweet that you think that’s true.” OR (my own choice), say “Eh? Whatchoo say? Speak up!” and whomp ‘em one with your huge-ass old lady purse. Yeah, ’cause you totally qualify for one of those now.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Trust Me, I’m NOT Your Government

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Misty August 29, 2011 at 9:38 am

Shit girl, you funny. And don’t worry, we can go to the old age home together while these young 20 year old whippersnappers still have their original hips and real teeth in their fool heads.
Misty recently posted..Hi. My name is Misty . . . and I’m a racist.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:05 pm

@Hoody: I know, I know–I am still a baby by all standards. THAT’S WHAT FUCKING KILLS ME. I’m not much older than these kids, but you’d think I walked in with a walker and an earhorn the first day. Next time, tote bag to the FACE.

@Misty: Hoody is motherfucking hilarious. I wouldn’t get into a fight without her.

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Smart Ass Sara August 29, 2011 at 7:54 am

Try being 29 and working at a college bookstore. It takes all the patience my body can retain to not lecture some punks when they have a fit over the cost of books, but then they whip out mommy’s credit card.
Smart Ass Sara recently posted..Domestic Violets

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Isn’t that adorable?

“OH man, Ramen noodles again! Life of a college student!” Really, yeah? How ’bout that big ass Starbucks Coffee you’re drinking on your daddy’s dime?

You’re a tough one.

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Havilah August 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

XD You guys must hate Freshies like me who are still in High School. Of course, I also still live with my parents (and have a sense of personal hygiene) so I still shower… and I have all-male classmates so I always smell better.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:07 pm

You still have an excuse. You’re in high school. That shit’ll end soon–SHAPE UP WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

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Havilah August 30, 2011 at 10:12 am

Well, I’m already fed up with regular high schoolers. They don’t pay attention in class & they don’t do their homework. x_x If that is how the public education system raises people, it needs to be thrown the fuck out.

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Norway August 29, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Heck yeah! I’m not the only teenager here! High five for still showering.

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Havilah August 30, 2011 at 10:14 am

Definite high five for showering! Living with two smelly brothers taught me personal hygiene. You don’t need to smell like Chewie all the time (no offense to the big furball, but all that has got to be a pain in the ass).

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:00 pm

To both of you: please read every single comment so carefully. You are entitled to be young and dumb for only a short while–don’t waste it, or the chances you’re given. LET THE FUCKERY BE A WARNING TO YOU BOTH.

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Havilah August 30, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Will do. I’m feeling both extremely happy & like a dumbfuck for switching from an IT Major to a Graphic Design Major this year. LOVE Graphic Design…. small paycheck (probably). Hated IT, huge fucking paycheck (definitely). Thankfully, I’ve found a way of getting my Masters Degree paid for. I’ll just have to make my way through my Major. Oh, and because I switched degrees, no hope of the scholarships I might’ve been lined up for. x_x

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Norway August 30, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Yes ma’am.

Err, miss. Sorry. That wasn’t intentional.

Don’t worry, I’m already practicing my death glare on the idjits my age. That way by the time I’m forced to properly enter the world of “What the crap are you doing in college?!” I’ll have it down perfectly.

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thelovelyjazmin August 29, 2011 at 8:39 am

You all are making me feel much better. I’m 22 and just transferred schools and majors (so I have a pitiful amount of credits and am registered as a freshman). Knowing that there are other “older” students (who aren’t really old at all) out there is making me feel less alone and anxious.

Thanks!

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Transferring is the bane of my existence right now. “Oh yeah, we know that class is titled the exact same thing and taught the same thing and that you have the syllabus here to prove it, but we won’t count it. Enjoy basic composition AGAIN!”

We’ll keep trucking.

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Jaclyn August 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

I used to be a manager in a retail store and half my employees were teenagers and it was fucking awful. I had a particular phrase I used daily to address their concerns: “No one cares about your problems”. Seriously. Work problems, school problems, boyfriend problems. Pretty much anything they started to whine about and I’d cut them off 3 words in and tell them how much I didn’t care. Because I was awesome at my job like that.

The thing that always made me feel old was when I’d be doing hiring and I’d see someone’s birthday and it would be in 1994. Fuck that shit.
Jaclyn recently posted..I’m FEMA, you guys

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Someone started in about their boyfriend with me today–someone who I did not know–and all I could do was glare with what-the-fuck. You’re absolutely right, Jaclyn, no one cares for dick.

I’m fairly sure she was a 1994′er.

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Ann August 29, 2011 at 9:05 am

So at the wise old age of 31, the first time I felt old is when someone called me Mam’ instead of Miss. But now that I am married and have a kid, I guess Mam is fitting. Anyone just starting out should know that if you blow off college to work instead…like I decided to do…it’s not a cake walk. I thought working would be better for me at the time…I needed the cash since parents weren’t going to pay for college and thought I could work and go to school full time at the same time. Wrong. Working full time sucks and if you have the chance for someone else to help pay for college, take advantage of it. You have your whole life to work and if the only thing on your agenda for the day is making it to class and then deciding what bar to go to that night, consider it a glorious day. I wish that’s all I had to worry about. Grant it, I have a nice job now without a college degree but took me over ten years to get here. And now I have to wait to go back to school when I can pony up the cash for it. So lesson learned the hard way

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Minus the kid part, I totally feel you. I thought I could work my way up and be good, but no–it doesn’t much matter how much experience you have yet, only that goddamn piece of paper. Hang tough, yo–you’re a fucking badass.

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Jen Reinmuth August 29, 2011 at 9:21 am

I’m a college professor and I would kick every one of those undergrads in the sack if I didn’t think it would ruin the shine on my Jimmy Choos. YOU AREN’T FUCKING HIPPIES! Your dad is an investment banker and you drive a fucking Beemer! Take out the dreadlocks because your hair smells like used books and desperation and for the love of all things good and holy if you wear that fucking Phish T-shirt one more time I’m going to shove your hacky-sack up your patchouli scented ass!
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Conversations with Jess Part Trois

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Misty August 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

I love you. Can I take your class? I swear I will only wear my Phish shirt one more time. :)
Misty recently posted..Hi. My name is Misty . . . and I’m a racist.

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Ann August 29, 2011 at 10:26 am

I am actually a Phish fan and have seen them a ton of times and I can’t tell you how many times I see these spoiled kids at the shows, driving in with their Beemers and acting like they live in a commune.

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Jen Reinmuth August 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

Misty, I need some students who aren’t total ass-hats, so YES! Please join my class before I slash my wrists with my frigging car keys. Apparently the majority of my students feel that since I teach Special Education they are entitled to act like they’re functionally retarded.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I don’t have a phish shirt. Am I in?

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:13 pm

This was fucking amazing to read. I love it when they wear the Bob Marley shirts as well, knowing full well they couldn’t pick out Marley from Miles Davis.

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Jen Reinmuth August 30, 2011 at 5:57 am

Pfft! I grew up in the People’s Republic of Eugene, Oregon where the hippies kick it old school, yo! I friggin’ dated Ken Kesey’s son and got stoned on a fairly regular basis with Jerry Garcia’s goddamned daughter, so seeing these little trustafarians who couldn’t pick Bob Dylan out of a fucking line-up even ATTEMPT to embrace the lifestyle makes me want to stab kittens.

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Misty August 30, 2011 at 9:13 am

“Trustafarians” Brilliant, yo. And leave the poor innocent kittens out of this. Stab those poser motherfuckers instead! They sooo deserve it.
Misty recently posted..The Eye of the Storm

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Jen Reinmuth August 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

I had a similar rant. Looks like we’re on the same page re: these douche-hounds. http://portlandiamom.blogspot.com/2011/07/peace-love-and-tofu.html Oh, and Noa? Next time one of these people opens their cretinous maw in class to spout their rhetorical bullshit, chuck the deuce up to your prof because I can guaran-freakin-tee you (s)he is feeling your angst.
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Reality Killed the Video Star

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Trustafarians is my new favorite word.

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Allison Gray September 7, 2011 at 2:30 am

“used books and desperation”. Sounds like the newest fragrance line sold at Urban Outfitters….

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Misty August 29, 2011 at 9:51 am

Oh Noa, I feel old on a daily basis. When I’m called ma’am, when I DON’T get carded for booze (although every blue moon when I am wearing a baseball cap and jeans, the lovely young man at the liquor store will card me and it will take all my self restraint not to thank him by throwing him down on the counter and having my way with him right there amongst the bottles of patron), all the fucking gray hairs on my head which are quickly winning the revolt over the brown hairs, when my SIX YEAR OLD starts singing every word of every crap pop song on the radio, when I think about the fact that I am closer to FORTY than 30 (fuck!), when I look in the mirror after taking a shower and see all the saggy, stretch marked goodness which is now my body (sexy, I know, prrrrrrrr) . . . . did you want me to go on or have I sufficiently ruined your appetite?

Oh, and I love the implication that your boobs are so saggy that you can now use them to bludgeon those fucksters with one of them. One positive to aging? Built in weaponry? Those suckers deserve a tit smack to the head. I’ll be happy to help. Mine might just have to be classified as weapons of mass destruction!
Misty recently posted..Hi. My name is Misty . . . and I’m a racist.

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Jen Reinmuth August 29, 2011 at 11:14 am

You are the schizz-nit, Misty. . .and officially my new BFF.
Jen Reinmuth recently posted..Conversations with Jess Part Trois

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:16 pm

@Misty: Adrian is just now starting to go a bit grey, and he hasn’t figured out yet that me pulling “stray” hairs is me ripping those bitches out before they destroy his long-haired self-esteem.
Question: If you spin fast enough, can saggy tits become heli-tits?

@Jen: It’s totally fucking true.

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Misty August 30, 2011 at 10:10 am

Noa – hells yes those things are mutherfuckin badass chopper ranger tits. Don’t make me whirligig your ass you little shits!!
Misty recently posted..The Eye of the Storm

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I just had this image of you in a cape spinning wildly through campus, knocking down the DZ’s.

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Misty August 30, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Um, yeah . . . that’s called Thursday. Duh!
Misty recently posted..The Eye of the Storm

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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:55 pm

I heart you.

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Jacqui August 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

I recently went back to university at 35. It was a nightmare at first, but I soon learned that I could terrify them with angry stares and impress other with my street cred of working in the city’s busiest pub. The best thing I have overheard at school to date was in film class. A girl with freaky colored contacts said “I don’t really like Twilight because I don’t believe in Vampires.” Please stay in school, the world needs us older students.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:17 pm

What was that shit. I don’t even…

Holy Mother of Mary. I have nothing to add based purely on my horror.

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Kelly August 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

Cripes, I hate college “kids”, even though I’ve been one for the better part of 18 years. I was an undergrad for.ev.er. because I had to work through school, and having classes with freshmen and “I don’t have to give a damn how I look and/or smell because I’m in college and that’s how I roll” made want to slam my face into a brick wall or punch myself in the ear. And ear punches HURT.

Noa, if you can’t beat them (and I mean beat, as in up), please don’t join them. Unless you find wearing Uggs with cut off PINK sweats and baby tees fashionable. And if you happen to be in a class that has athletes in it (and when I say athlete, I mean one that actually sees the field, NOT a benchwarmer), only let them copy your work in exchange for GOOD tickets, so you can go or scalp them on ebay.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:19 pm

OH FUCK NO I’m not gonna join ‘em. I don’t really want to wear the requisite uniform of cameltoe denim and, “Is it a tank top?” RALLY ON.

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Kelly August 30, 2011 at 8:56 am

I have a feeling pajama jeans and crocs are going to be making a splash across campuses everywhere this year. THEY’RE PAJAMAS! OMG! BUT THEY, LIKE, TOTALLY LOOK LIKE JEANS!
Kelly recently posted..Grown up? I gotta grown up for ya right here.

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm

And the lovely part is that you’re totally correct.

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elizabeth- flourish in progress August 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

College? What’s that? I kid, I kid. That’s where they have all those keg parties and everyone has sex with each other, right? Or it that Vegas……

The first time I felt “old”? When one of Cal’s friends nudged her and asked “Is that your mom? She doesn’t look that bad for her age. I guess.”

Thanks ya little bitch.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Goddamn that little girl. You look good for 18. You’re a fucking fox, and Cal is more than lucky to have such a hot mom.

The only difference between Vegas and College: The ration of sequins vs. sweatpants.

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Eric August 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

There is no doubt you are wise beyond your years, Noa. I’m also not so surprised to hear that college (where I was when you were, um, born – oh please kill me), has not changed one fucking bit. And here I am trying to go BACK to college. I’m sure being there at 24 is an experience, but I’m betting I get a blog post or two out of it when I’m trying it at 42.

Also looking at doing in Texas, so maybe I’ll get the whole 111 degree experience too. I can hang the IV bag on my walker.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I salute anyone who goes back to school at any age. Pull up your depends and study, motherfuckers.

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Teala August 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm

You’re only 24? I pegged you for being older.

First, where are you going to school that you have to drive so far to campus? And what are you studying that you have classes with dumbass freshmen?

Second, I constantly felt old during undergrad. I still do as a grad student surrounded by new baby freshmen everywhere. I don’t know what it is about them. Most of them are so fucking annoying. I just want to hit them. Or throw our spirit rocks at them. *No. No one cares about your fucking Justine Bieber crush. And you don’t know what Masters of the Universe or Dirty Dancing or Sixteen Candles is? Get the hell away from me before I beat you with my cane!*

Third, I constantly feel old anyway. My siblings are 21 and 16. I’ll be 26 on Thursday. My 16 year-old brother always reminds me how much older I am.

Fourth, speaking of my birthday…I demand a pony, a mostly harmless Rumpelstiltskin for my straw-into-gold-purposes, and a sword.

Happy Monday!

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:13 pm

I’m a transfer student, and even with 84 motherfucking hours, they’re cherrypicking what they’ll take, so I get to take 3 freshmen classes this semester to knock them out of the way. HOORAY. And living in Downtown Dallas means everything is a shitlong drive in traffic.

Also…spirit rocks?

And lastly, your demands, while high, are adorable.

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Teala August 29, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I was a transfer student too, and my school did the same damn thing. It’s bullshit. Good luck to you!

Downtown traffic *is* horrendous!

And, yes, spirit rocks. UT Dallas has these big rocks in what is essentially a rock garden. Students can spray paint them to advertise student orgs, events, or basically whatever they please. Kinda fun if you like the whole school spirit thing.

:) One of these demands will be met. I’m sure. Most likely the Rumpelstiltskin one.
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I would be more into school spirit if I had a couple of drinks before each class.

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Teala August 30, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Agreed!

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Britt August 29, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Be sure to tell them to call you when they’re 29 years old, on their 3rd undergrad degree, shoulder deep in fucking student loans and 45 lbs heavier than their 1st undergrad degree. If my studies are correct, 75% of them face at least 3/4 of those factors.*

*I haven’t done any studies. I’m too fucking busy trying to not end up like they inevitably will.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I’d like to take a minute to bask in the brilliance of this comment.

There. My tits feel amazing now.

And I have a sinking feeling that your stats aren’t far off and I’D KNOW THAT BECAUSE I’M TAKING STATS THIS SEMESTER.

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Britt September 1, 2011 at 12:51 pm

65% of what you said makes me very happy.

Hint: It’s the part about the tits.

*I’m not very good at math.
Britt recently posted..Back off, I bite.

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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Please keep statistically commenting. I love it so.

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Angie Uncovered August 29, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I think that letter should be delivered to my 18 y/o who decided yesterday (the day before $ is due) that she is taking the semester off from college so she can start fresh in California in a year. I am now charging her rent. I will slip this gem into her first rent notice. Thanks!
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:21 pm

If you need an example of why taking “a semester” off is a really bad idea, lemme at her. I did that. And then I took another one. And another. And then, 12 semesters later, here I am. Stay in school.

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Mamy August 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I’m coming up on forty, which is where I start lying through my teeth about my age!

I am raising three teenagers, one who will HOPEFULLY graduate this year! What really pisses me off is the extent of laziness I see in teens! They will spend more time coming up with a way to get out of work, homework etc. than if they had actually done the work in the first place! They also know every goddamn thing in the world and will turn a deaf ear to any golden tidbit of advice like, “If you want a car, you need to get a job. Wait…let me break that down. Take a shower, put on some clothes that you DIDN’T find underneath your bed, yes wash your hair too and hit the pavement for job applications. Then you have to actually fill them out and turn them back in. Don’t mumble or give the employers the same snear you reserve for us parents. And I don’t care if none of your friends don’t have to have jobs and Mom and Dad bought THEM a car. We have four of you which pretty much drains our life savings so pitch in and help yourself!” OK, so I do sound like my Mother, but I’ll still tell you I’m 31 with a straight face!

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I remember the exact moment in which I realized I couldn’t be a smartassed teenager anymore, at the hands of my mother. My senior year, I took an absurdly difficult history class, and being the asshole that I am, I left my 30 page paper not done until the night before.

So there I was, crying in my bedroom, thinking I was going to fail and that the world was unfair and I hated everything, and my mom walked in.

“What’s wrong?”
“EVERYTHING.”
“Homework?”
“I have a 30 page paper due tomorrow and I have nothing done on it and I’m going to fail and I’m so mad and dumb and–”
“Well, then you better get to work.”

And she left the room. It was 11 pm. She never said another word, never gave me a second glance.

And in that moment, I realized I was the only one who would pick me up–being a teenager meant that I was almost an adult, and I had better well get up and do my project and act like one. I stayed up all night, finished the project, and got a 90% on it.

I hope all teenagers get a moment like that.

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Angie Uncovered August 30, 2011 at 7:52 am

Mamy,
I don’t know what to say except I’m on your side here. I have moved on to the part of the teenage life where they say things using adult like words that they have managed to string together to sound like they’ve put thought into it and it’s still complete and total bullshit. Be wary… it will catch you off guard and you’ll have a small moment of pride at their words and then you’ll say, “What the fuck did you just say? Are you stupid?”

Noa,
I totally “L” word your mom right now.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Live Messenger – Pigeon holing people one category at a time

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Mamy August 30, 2011 at 12:40 pm

@ Angie-
They DO that already! I also love when they call you some unmentionable name under their breath(knowing that your hearing is not what it used to be) and when you say “Did you just call me an asshole?” they sneer at you and deny ever saying it! Fun times, I tell you!
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I tried that shit a few times, and got slapped every single time. You’re fucking rad, Mamy.

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Andi August 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

I got that moment, too, and I definitely plan on handing it down. Important life lesson, indeed. Although, in my case, I was 12 and in high school and it was a Romeo and Juliet project that I blew off until the last minute and ended up getting an A. Even after staying up until 2 am.

Now that I think about it, that may have been the wrong lesson. I wrote all my college papers on insane deadlines because I learned that I work well under pressure. Oops?
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:06 pm

To be fair, that epiphany does also double as a, “I’m really good on the wire,” lesson. Win-Win?

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Margaret Goerig August 29, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Yup. I second the others who get called ma’am now and don’t get carded for booze. That only started happening to me in the last year and I’m 31. What else? Facebook and Twitter. Expensive face cream. Flat shoes. Hangovers. Getting annoyed by the lack of correct English usage. That slight feeling of an explosion in my chest after three flights of stairs. The paunch. Anytime I say something to the effect of “Well, I used to feel that way but then …”

But then what? I got old.

Except you wanted advice on how to deal with the whippersnappers. God, I have no idea. Sorry.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:27 pm

I’m still reveling in the relative health of my legs, because my arms are quickly fading on me. I’ll wear heels ’til my calves fall off, goddamnit.

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Margaret Goerig August 30, 2011 at 9:39 am

Oh, it’s not your calves you have to worry about. It’s your back.
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Mother. Fucker.

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Crystal August 29, 2011 at 12:44 pm

You’ve got me fucking terrified now!! I start University next week and I’m 29!!! If you’re getting the old jokes at 24 I’m fucked six ways from Saturday night!! Oh dear me, I’m gonna have to drink my way through the first semester for fear of beating the shit out of some punk newtween shit head who thinks I’m too old for education!! Oh Noa, thank you for the heads up to what could have been a legally troubling semester!

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Pass this letter out with the syllabus in all classes you take. You’re welcome.

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Leslie@The Tale of Going Natural August 29, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I am 29 years old and I am a senior this year. Because I came into the university with a degree (my associates), I was able to transfer a buttload of classes over. Primarily 100 level, so I don’t have to deal with a lot of that shit. When I do have to deal with it, I see if IUPUI has an online course for it, so I dont have to be there face to face. This semester I have a 100 level course because IUPUI would not take the programming class that I brought with me. I got there late because parking was a mother bitch. This stupid class is a prereq to a lot of other classes. So naturally, it is full to the fucking brim. With Freshmen. With CIT freshmen. If you don’t understand what this means, let me break it down to you. I ama CIT major that showers, and generally likes to look nice all the time. Most CIT majors are men that look like they haven’t showered in weeks. This group of people looked like they hadn’t showered in MONTHS. The guy behind me kept kicking my seat, and getting up and down bumping me, my shoulder and my purse off of my seat in the process. I am already irritated because it is hot as unearthly fuck in this class, that I even have to be here, and now I got fucking spazzy steve (that is what I named him, no clue what the hell his real name is) running amok. I.JUST.LOST.IT. I informed him if he did not say excuse me the next time he bumped my chair or kicked my seat, I will fuck him up. He stayed in his seat and didn’t move the rest of the time. I am a short (but fat) angry black woman. I wouldn’t fuck with me either.
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Grace August 29, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I want you in ALL of my classes. Please just be my friend. C’mon, you wanted to be a veterinarian right???

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leslie August 29, 2011 at 9:11 pm

I wanted to be a vet until I job shadowed at one my senior year of high school. He was neutering a dog that woke up mid surgery. I was crying, the dog was screaming, and the vet was flustered. Plus, they showed me a video and the vet stuck his hand up a horses butt. There went that dream.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:31 pm

@Leslie: Wow, you are one badass bitch. I had a girl ram into my bun today (thereby ripping all bobby pins out) without even fucking noticing, and I was a pussy and didn’t say anything. I bow to your awesome.

@Grace: Stop kissing ass. She’s my friend.

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Leslie@The Tale of Going Natural August 30, 2011 at 8:59 am

@Noa, I used to be terrified to speak up too.. but then I noticed I would get trampled over figuratively and literally. Plus, when I went to community college (aka hell on earth) There was a guy in a lot of my classes just like him. The only difference was the CC guy had tried university and flunked out, he had a creepy molester stache, he would chew his cuticles, eat them, and pick his nose and eat that too. I had the misfortune of being partnered up with him on an assignment that he suggested that we look for sources on Wikipedia (because EVERYTHING ON WIKIPEDIA IS TRUE!) even though our teacher said not to. That guy was the first grown man I made cry. And I had a lot more caring and compassion to me then. Most of my compassion now goes to animals and my husband.
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Leslie@The Tale of Going Natural August 30, 2011 at 9:09 am

I’ll be everybody’s friend… especially if you have 1 of three things; food, puppies, or babies. LOL
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Your compassion goes to the right places.

I once had a lit professor tell me that Wikipedia was an absolutely credible source, and that I’d be a fool not to use them in citations.

I was horrified.

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Govn'r GlitterShoes August 29, 2011 at 1:17 pm

GlitterShoes here, long time lurker first time poster.

I just have to say that as a 26 year old woman going back in to undergrad I forgot how fucking awful teenagers are. They’re disrespectful, selfish, and generally unpleasant. The really unfortunate part is that I’m pretty sure I was the worst of the lot back in the day.

The 18 year old kids that are blazing through my pre-calc class giggling, and whispering about “Chad’s totally awesome house warming party,” make me want to punch a kitten.

I feel you sister girl.

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Heather Heartless August 29, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Oh, you should try going to boot camp at 22 and everyone else is 17. You know how that worked out? I quit that shit. Regrets? Only the current lack of boiler room sex in my life.

If there’s anything worse than being stuck in a room with them for two hours every day, it’s living with them. And getting your ass beat (“intense training” aka “We only quit if one of you dies.”) on a daily basis because they just HAVE to pass notes to the really ugly kid sitting near them because he has a penis. And you can’t even hit them. I think it would have fixed a lot of problems if we could have.

I still have nightmares.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Well, ‘ello Govn’r!

I had to. YOU MADE ME DO IT.

They’re little bastards. I’m now making it my mission to testify about men to the teenage girls the way JW’s testify about The Watchtower or whatever else that is.

“See the way he’s dragging you down the stairs? If he hasn’t cheated on you yet, give it a couple days.”

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Andi August 29, 2011 at 1:19 pm

You’re really going to hate me for this…..but I went to college at 16 and graduated at 20. I’m sure I was annoying, but what I mostly remember is the pants-shitting terror of not fitting in, being convinced I was going to flunk out any minute, and trying desperately to act like I was old enough to be doing….well, anything really. You couldn’t pay me enough to revisit that age, so if I were going back to college, I’d be doing it with a ready-made smirk. I’ve survived the real world AND I’m still here up in yo grill. Be afraid, be very afraid.

As far as feeling old, I actually remember having a conversation with a kid where I told him Marilyn Manson wasn’t goth but more of a shock rocker like Alice Cooper. His question: “Who’s SHE?” I was like, get away from me, you infant.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:38 pm

That’s almost worse than my situation. At least I have some life experience going in, so I don’t freak out at a heavy workload. I’d have been shitting my pants at 16. And actually, I’m goddamn impressed–I had the chance to do something similar and didn’t take it and now I regret every second that I’ve wasted not doing that.

Adrian totally asked me if Alice Cooper was pretty yesterday. He’s 30, and it broke my heart.

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Andi August 30, 2011 at 10:02 am

That made me laugh and cry at the same time. For realz.
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:11 pm

It was even more spectacular when he got Ozzy Osbourne and Pink Floyd confused for a second.

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Misty August 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Oh god, I don’t even have words for that. Adrian just made me very sad. And old.
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Jean August 29, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Ah, college is grand. Good for you for going back. If they give you trouble, just hit them with your cane. After all, they expect that from old people and since they’ve already said you’re ancient, you’ve got grounds to hit them.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:38 pm

BRILLIANT.

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kim August 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

45, baby! I look back and think about how I knew it all when I blew my college ride and grew out the hair under my arms, lived with a rock band and discovered that chlamydia is not a flower. My Dad would have paved the way if I hadn’t been such an ass.

Pay attention to the numbers as you go through school. Freshman classes are huge, but by your senior year a lot of them have been weeded out. Gone. Not everyone that starts college gets to graduate.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:39 pm

There are 400 in one of my 100 level classes. I assume I’ll see 20 again in a year.

Also, discovering that Chlamydia is not a flower is now part of my stand-up act. THANK YOU.

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Becca August 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Just wait until you have kids and one of them tells you they only love you when you have make-up on; talk about feeling OLD. As for annoying as shit teenagers… is it wrong to carry a pocket tazer? Ignore them and their immature ways. Go home to your legally purchased 12 pack and laugh at their stupidity, wahahahaha…. just like that. At least you’re not going to go through that God Awful bi-curious stage… oh wait, was that just me? ;)

Lots of luck, and a little kick ass will go a long, long way.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I saw the saddest thing ever today–45 year old woman going back to school, looking for the authentic college experience, wearing Victoria’s Secret Sweats and carrying a camelback. I imagine that she’ll try that bi-curious stage at 45.

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Becca August 30, 2011 at 11:31 am

*SHUDDER*
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Enjoy those images.

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lena August 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Just be glad that you’re not going to art school. No one does meaningless rallies,living off mommy and daddy’s money, bitch about pot being to expensive and crabs like art school students. And the freshmeats are the worst. When the piece (the $500 worth of art material’s piece that you had to sell your banjingo to pay for because you’re not even eligible for a fucking pell grant…) you’ve been working on gets shut down in favor of a turd inside a can done by a fucking hipster to express the sorrows and hardships of the free world; it really makes you reconsider your options in life.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Oh wow.

I’m technically going for a BA, but it’s not in a true art as you have described. I might kill myself if I had to do that.

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Katie in CA August 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Take night classes. I was the same age as most of my classmates and light years ahead in the real world. I put myself through college, worked the whole time. I couldn’t stand them! Night classes are generally better, as the more serious students tend to take them. Cuts the crap of the lame brains.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Good suggestion–only the strong take night classes.

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Johi August 29, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Since I am a therapist*, I feel that I am highly qualified to answer your question about these youngsters. I recommend mowing them down on campus with your Hoveround.
*Not actually a therapist

I don’t remember the first time that I felt old, because apparently you lose your memory when you get old. But a few of my favorites include:
*Having some asshat ask me if I was my OLDER sister’s mother
*Being called Ma’am (don’t call me that unless you want me to beat you with my cane)
*The appearance of wrinkles, and not just on my face
*My chiropractor informing me that I have Bursitis (I then tried to make my friends call me Edna)
*Being the only one in the group who wasn’t asked for ID
*Not understanding Twitter. At all. Still.
and my favorite…
*Realizing how much I truly dislike loud noise
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I can’t wait to turbocharge my hoverround and mow the fuckers down now. RALLY.

And seriously, fuck loud noises. I’m tryna sleep here.

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Nuckelbery August 29, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Oh lord, tis the mother fucking season. I just had a simlar rant…
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Freshman make the world so bitter.

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The Young Girl August 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I’m going through the same thing! Its my first year at a large university and I’m 23. All the 18 yr old are like “wow, you are old” and “what’s it like to be married?” when they ask me what its like to be married I take the opportunity to preach a little about waiting for the right man. they kinda just give me the blank teen stare but I hope some of it sinks in.

I mostly try to play a long with the whole “this class seems hard, the professor already gave us all the reading assignments” but really we are taking a class on how to teach science to kids ( I’m a elementary ed major) its not that hard! we get to play all class long! *sigh* Just hope for the best.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I was in Elem. Ed for a bit, and I fucking loved those classes because they are fun as shit. You re-learn elementary level stuff but play games to learn to teach it. FUN AS SHIT.

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Jaime August 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

due to life and massive amounts of fuckery on my part … I’m 30 and still in my undergrad… so I totally understand where you’re coming from.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:49 pm

That comment and then reading your last post title made me sad. CHIN UP.

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Delina August 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm

My suggestion is find the kids who are there and paying for it themselves. I know when I was in college these were pretty much the only people I could handle being around. Its so much easier to relate to people who understand when you are forced to chose between buying food and bus fare so you can get to the crappy job you spend 30 hours a week doing. Pretty much everyone else’s tough decisions centered around whether or not they should spend their parents money on beer, liquor, wine or maybe even all three…

Of course it doesn’t get better, now my rage and maybe a little jealousy is focused on those same people who can now work and don’t have to send an ungodly portion of their paycheck to the bank to pay for student loans. No douchebag I didn’t have the chance to go travel the world for a year after college not worrying about work, I have to payback my loans so they don’t come collecting on my poor innocent grandma who I somehow convinced to co-sign my loan for me, thanks for rubbing it in.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I’m always so jealous of European kids who get to go to school on the cheap and are EXPECTED to take a year off and travel. Little bastards.

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a August 29, 2011 at 10:01 pm

You know when I felt old? When I read this post and realized that I was that jackass college freshman the year you were born! (Minus all the parentally provided accoutrements, though. We were poor and I was a scholarship student.)

Now, I just laugh at them. In my day, we’d call them poseurs and dismiss them. (Aren’t you looking forward to the time when you can say “In my day” ?)
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:54 pm

I can’t wait ’til I can get away with saying, “IN MY DAY.” Because right now when I say that, I’m referencing Thundercats, and I am a poseur.

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bschooled August 29, 2011 at 11:17 pm

OMG, those questions are priceless.

“Are my tits sagging yet?” is my standard answer for all age-related questions. Then again, it’s also my standard question when first introduced to someone.
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:55 pm

It’s what we in the BA industry call an ice-breaker. Totally professional and awesome.

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Tazer WP August 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm

NOA NOA NOA… How the FUCK did I not know we are the same age?! Maybe cause you kick ass and I’m kind of “meh”?

Anywhoo, I swear to the fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster.. if I had to go back to school right now I’d probably shank a ho. Just saying. I BARELY survived getting my BA without killing some sorority skankaroo who wore too much perfume and not enough clothes. In my cynical old age, it’d be on, motherfucker.

Good luck!
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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:56 pm

You’re kind of Meh? What is your definition of Meh exactly? Firedragons jumping dirtbikes over roman candles? Because then, sure you’re Meh. Good Lord.

Also, FUCK YES 24.

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Hoody Hoo August 30, 2011 at 6:21 am

y’all can come over and play in my yard as long as you don’t bust my windows with yer gol-dang baseballs, ya whippersnappers!
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Bitch, you know you’d be the one to bust the windows out. Don’t even start.

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Jackie August 29, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Ah, I totally feel your pain. I’m 22 and just started my first semester at nursing school, after going to real-big-kid college for a year and dropping out to marry my high school sweetheart at 19 like an asshole. He’s an Airman so we moved to god damn SOUTH DAKOTA (which I know you share my hatred of) and it took me a while to get back into college. Now that I’m back, I realize my classes are either full of the seasoned veterans who are convinced that since we are not their age we know nothing, and 18 year old girls who no joke asked if they could wear a “sexy nurse costume” to class. NO JOKE.

That’s not the first time I felt old though (and I realize the ridiculousness of even feeling old at 22). My sister in law, who’s 16, was writing something on facebook asking if she was “the bait”. After googling to no avail I finally ask what the FUCK that means, and apparently if you are “the bait” then you’re hot.

Whatever.

Just tell those cunts that they aren’t the bait. That’ll show ‘em.

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Noa August 29, 2011 at 11:59 pm

In what major is it ever okay to wear a sexy nurse costume to class? Are you in school for pole dancing? Because that’d be pretty rad.

The Bait? Fuck. I feel old as shit now because now I’m out of the loop on the lingo. At twenty-fucking-four.

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Jackie August 30, 2011 at 12:04 am

I’ve been to the school of pole dancing already, if by school you mean my living room, and if by pole dancing you mean falling off a pole repeatedly to T-Pain songs.

I’m in nursing school, and we have to wear scrubs everyday. One of the girls didn’t understand what scrubs meant, and had to ask if the professor meant “sexy nurse costume”. She didn’t understand what scrubs were until the professor said, “you know, like they wear on Grey’s Anatomy.” *headdesk*.

These are the people that are going to save your lives, y’all.

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Suddenly, going to Mexico for medicine doesn’t seem so backwards.

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Lilscorpiosweet August 30, 2011 at 12:54 am

And this is why I do my shit on-line.. I don’t have to deal with the annoying douchy comments.

As for dealing with teenager fuckery… my own teens get the death stare I doubt it would work on anyone else’s teen but I could give it a try. Most of the time yelling at them scares them because you know NO ONE yelled at them their entire lives which is why they are handing out the douche behavior and fuckery.
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I am so jealous of your online work. My school is sadly lacking in that area.

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Satan August 30, 2011 at 2:59 am

“makes the hatred in my heart bubble and fizz like the soup in Satan’s Old Folks Home–full of angst and whippersnappers.”

okay, 1:
no! just, no!
your concept of hell is allll wrong. ^_^
if only you knew how awesome my hell is!

2:
24??? really???
they shouldn’t even be noticing the age gap much – now YOU should, to be sure….

gah. teenagers. you can always undermine them consistently by remarking on anything reasonably decent, “oh, i was doing that (listening, whatever) when you were still in elementary school.”
now THAT’S how you school some punk-ass teenagers.

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I know your Hell is awesome, Satan, but the Old Folks Homes? Can they REALLY be better in Hell?

If so, please demonstrate.

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Brandina August 30, 2011 at 10:44 am

In my personal experience, part of why they bother you so much is because (at least from what I can gather being a new reader and all) you are paying for school yourself. You are willing to drive the hour and half so that you can live with your family instead of on campus. You actually have a life and are attending school to improve it or yourself or whatever your reason. How many of them are probably just there because someone told them they should go and they figured it was the best way to keep from actually having to get a real job, that’s hard, and depressing?

I started college at 28. I had a kid by then, had worked the shitty jobs and decided to go because it was the only way out. I was the oldest person in almost all of my classes and I hated that the stupid little brats who didn’t appreciate what they parent’s hard earned money (or their fellow citizen’s tax dollars) were actually paying for. They didn’t pay attention, they didn’t care about anything beyond the party that night, or the bong hit they were gonna take after this class was over. It disrupted MY learning and stole precious, and costly, time from me.

So yeah, I can totally relate. The solution? Make up some little cards with nothing but the link to this post and hand them out to the assholes that drive you insane. Then, tell them to grow the fuck up. :)
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

You’re right, I am paying for it myself–and it’s becoming so obvious which ones of the young’uns do as well. I’LL LEARN IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO, MOTHERFUCKERS.

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Paula @ thewilyweez August 30, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I hate the Looney Tunes also! Hang in there, those kids will grow up and face the world one day! :)
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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I hope I’m there to watch when they do.

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Norway August 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Hey now. As a teenager, I’d like to try to help you realise that the “Teenagers are disrespectful assholes” stereotype doesn’t hold true. Would you like me to fetch your reading glasses, help you cross the street with the other little old ladies, or carry your 18 cans of cat food for you?

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Noa August 30, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Well played, Norway. Very well played.

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April August 30, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Recently someone asked me how old I was and I COULDN’T REMEMBER! I remember when I was 17 or 18 I laughed at my mom because she couldn’t remember her age and I was thinking that had to be the sign you had officially crossed into “being old” when you forget you age. Well, karma bitch slapped me because now I frequently have to do math in my head to answer that question honestly. So, me lying about my age is really just me trying not to have that dumb “hang on, I’m subtracting 1978 from this year” open-mouth concentration look that really looks more like I’m trying to see my own eyebrows than like I’m trying to do math in my head look. But after a second of math I can verify that I am actually 32….for a few more days…. But if you ask me in public, you’ll likely get any number between 25 and 30 because I can’t. fucking. remember.
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Norway August 30, 2011 at 7:39 pm

That’s all right. My mum is 50-something and forgot my last name the other day.

Granted we have different last names (she didn’t change hers when she got married) and she just tried to send me to the wrong alphabetised line, but still. Really mum?

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Norway August 30, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Crap. What I’m trying to say is, it’s not so bad. Yet.

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Leslie August 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Guys, I am sitting in class right now…. Spazzy Steve is far away from me.. but his voice is so loud i can hear it across the room. I am about to lose my shit. We are supposed to be on break. She needs to hurry the fuck up so that I can leave ( I don’t need to be here, I know what is going on.)
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Was there stabbing?

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Lindsey August 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I taught freshman comp for 7 years before arriving at the glam social media job I have now. Let me tell you, there is honestly no hope. Have you tried playing thong bingo? It will help you pass the time. Try to find one of every color thong sticking out all in one day. Bonus points for polka dots, stripes, or hearts. Double bonus points for snapping all thongs.
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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I just started playing, “Do your running shorts fit into your outfit somehow?”

General Consensus is, “Apparently, they don’t need to.”

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The Wannabe Housewife August 31, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I remember when I started college when I was 17 and being in class with all the 20 somethings. The things that came out of their mouths on a regular basis scared me enough to think that college would somehow do more harm than good. I was under the impression that college was adult schooling, not an extension of elementary school and the thought of me regressing 10 years was the worst possible thought I could have had at the time.

I hate college students.

Fuck it. I go to class online now haha
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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I’m so terribly jealous of you.

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Dead Cow Girl September 2, 2011 at 12:07 am

24??

Twenty…. four? you are only 24?

Fuck. I have kids your age. Kids. As in more then one.

When did I first feel old? Um. NOW. Now works.

Fuck.
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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Sorry, friend.

I’m still a baby.

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Dangerboy September 2, 2011 at 8:46 am

This was fucking hilarious, and I’ve linked to it today so all 5 people who read my blog don’t miss it. But up yours for using up all the laughs in the world, what are the rest of us going to do now? ;)
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Noa September 3, 2011 at 11:58 pm

You just made my fucking day.

And to answer your question: YOU FIND NEW LAUGHS.

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Jo J. September 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Oh, I remember being 24 on a campus swamped with freshmen, all of them with happy shiny faces and dripping wet behind the ears! It was Hell. On. Earth. Seriously. I used sarcasm and a raised eyebrow as my weapons, though I will admit, at times, they failed me. Usually when it involved a 19 year old Walking Erection. I’m sure you’re familiar with that one. You know, the young guy who sees you in class and asks you breathlessly how old you are and either reacts with a horrified, “You’re 24???” or a breathless, “You’re 24!!!” The second one was the one that always threw me, because mostly, the next thing out of their mouths was a variant of, “Will you go out with me and then sleep with me so I won’t be a virgin anymore because you’re 24 and obviously have waaaaay more experience than me???”

And trust me, I was NOT a “hot babe.” I was merely female. That’s all it took.

I don’t know what was worse, though, listening to trust fund babies going on and on about the amount of money they were blasting through while I was pinching pennies so hard, Mr. Lincoln was screaming in pain, or listening to yappy freshmen who seemed to spend more time in a drunken, stoned stupor than they did studying or spending time in class. It made me feel incredibly old at times, especially when they’d ask why I was going to university at my age. “Aren’t you a little old to be here?” Then I’d remember this little 83 year old woman in my art history class who had decided to get her degree after waiting some sixty odd years. And that was when I decided to stop worrying about it! Granted, this was twenty years ago, but… it seems that some things never change!!

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Noa September 4, 2011 at 12:00 am

I sit next to a 60-year-old construction worker in my stats class, because he is totally fucking awesome for many of the same reasons. He’s just here to fulfill a goal, and hates everyone else. And I love it.

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Melanie September 2, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I’m 33, and will be starting my first year at uni on Tuesday. Today I went to the bookstore to buy textbooks… while walking from the extreme north end of campus (bus stop) to the extreme south end of campus (bookstore) (and FUCK YOU, whoever designed this fucking campus), I passed several groups of Freshmen (heretofore known as “guppies”) engaged in some sort of Red-Rover style team-building exercise bullshit. To my ancient, ancient eyes, they looked all of ten years old. They had thankfully cleared out by the time I creaked my way back from the bookstore to the bus stop (FUCK. YOU.), but then my Alzheimer’s-inflicted brain remembered that I had meant to examine the guppies for wardrobe inspiration (having escaped from business-casual cubicle world a mere week ago) so that I could drive out to Target and stock up on ironic t-shirts and boot-cut jeans or whatever the hell the kids wear these days.

By the time I got back to the goddamn bus stop, I realized that I’m 33. Years. Old. And now that I’ve read your blog post and the plethora of GET-OFF-MY-LAWN comments here, I’m a lot less nervous about being That Weird Old Lady With All the Cat Hair on Her Clothes. I have real-world knowledge and life experience to contribute, and if these snot-nosed little bastards forget that for a second I’ll just smack them in the head with my cane. Damn whippersnappers.

Thanks Noa, and all the other brilliant commenters!
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Noa September 4, 2011 at 12:01 am

They’ve not had a real shot at life yet, and that’s both disturbing and hilarious at the very same time. One of these days, it’s going to smack them in the face, and they’ll realize why I don’t complain about the amount of homework we have, or why I get antsy when they don’t release on time. I just hope they figure it out soon.

Good luck!

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Jen September 4, 2011 at 12:46 pm

One of my students this semester accused me of being racist when I gave her a D in my course. “Umm, no Sweet-Cheeks, I didn’t GIVE you a D because you’re black, you EARNED a D because you’re a fucking moron, you show up late every day with last night’s Jaegermeister and cum stains on your shirt, and every time you open your cavernous maw to further prove your idiocy I want to forcibly puncture my tympanic membranes.” How in the name of all that is good and holy did these cretins actually get into college? It’s time to have a serious come-to-Jesus meeting with the admissions office, yo.
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Noa September 5, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I saw a white girl pull that shit out once. I wanted to punch her in the face. “It’s because I’m white, isn’t it? All that affirmative action made me have a C!”

Seriously, whore? YOU WON THE LOTTERY IN THE EQUAL RIGHTS THING, OKAY? You’re a rich white girl–sit down, shut up, and appreciate what you WORK FOR.

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Jen September 5, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Preach on, my sistah from anutha mistah.
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Jen September 8, 2011 at 7:37 pm

You got a shout-out on my blog today as I couldn’t help but think of you while contemplating pulling a Lee Harvey Oswald on the freshmen outside of my window.
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Noa September 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Get those little bastards.

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Myth September 27, 2011 at 1:37 pm

If it makes you feel better, I don’t think 24 is old. I don’t even think 34 is old, and I’m half that age right now. I actually hate being as young as I am, because I wish I had the knowledge and experience of an adult; it would make me feel less like a clueless moron staggering confusedly through life. But I suspect I’m going to feel like that until I’m 90, when I’m too senile to even care.

At the very least, though, I will never be an insufferable asshole college freshman. I pride myself on not being an asshole, and on not being the very unique and completely infuriating variety of stupid and immature that these freshmen are. That, and weed is not really my thing. I have always failed to understand the appeal of drugs and booze. A lifetime of playing designated driver is ahead of me…

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Noa December 19, 2011 at 12:56 am

The older I get, the more I learn that not one goddamn person alive has a fucking clue what is going on. It makes me feel very unsafe but very very sane.

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Bill G. December 5, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Boone’s Farm: Your virginity never stood a chance. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/192835/

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Noa December 19, 2011 at 1:01 am

Oh, High School.

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Bill G. December 5, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I didn’t read every post, but I’m fairly sure the at the age of 41, I’m the cracked old man on this thread.

I remember going into college at the age of 25. It was 1995 and I had just gotten done with 6 years in the Navy. I’m from Wyoming and I’d never lived in Utah, so going to school there was interesting right off the bat.

The thing I noticed right off is that the indigenous mormons are arrogant fucks. That’s good because it immediately killed any aspiration of joining their church. Getting that shit out of the way early is always a good thing.

It was quite funny how they always assumed that if you’ve never been on a church mission, you’ve never been anywhere. I’m a Persian Gulf War veteran and had just come off a 1994 2nd-deployment to the Mediterranean Sea, Adriatic Sea, and Persian Gulf. I spent more time forward-deployed than they have on the shitter, so take your mormon shit down the road.

I actually enjoyed being a dissident aggressor, they didn’t know what to make of me. I beat those bitches at their own game and got an engineering degree where a shitload of them failed. My class started off with 400 people, the class of 2000 graduated 40 in Mechanical Engineering, so the attrition rate was 90%. Here’s a toast to all you Moes that failed, fuck you very much. The world needs ditchdiggers, too.

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Noa December 19, 2011 at 1:02 am

I think getting a degree in a field with a 90% attrition rate would make me feel like the baddest ass that ever assed.

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Andrea l January 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Im back in school at 40 and I’m so embarrassed every time one of the idiots in my class opens their mouth. I want to crawl up under my desk in the front row and die or scream “you are not supposed to take a psychology class so you can diagnose your self. You have to pay a therapist 180 bucks an hour to do that, like the rest of us.”

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Noa January 24, 2012 at 12:40 am

Fun fact, if you go to the school psychology clinic, it’s like 1/2 that price.

WELL NOW YOU KNOW I’M IN THERAPY.

Good luck, my friend, and take solace in the fact that you’re awesome.

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Lace June 6, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I felt old once I had a child. Everything changed. I turned into the DD and started taking away my friends keys whenever I was able to escape mom duty. I fall asleep by 9pm and wake up at 7am no matter what… I can’t keep up with my “young” friends who are on average 3 years older than me. Did I mention I’m exhausted? Hahaha. Hope you found a way to deal with those young fuckers.

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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I punched my way out.

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Melodie February 26, 2013 at 8:13 am

(I just really need to get a t-shirt that says something like ‘Nobody Cares About Your Problems But You’.

Not because I think that’s necessarily true, but because I want to wear it when I’m feeling down and have my spirits lifted by all of the stink-faces I get directed at me for it.)

Waiting to pick up my books in the line at my community college, I had to stand there and simmer with a potent mixture of shock and slowly-building rage as I listened to two full-grown adults (they were about 23) laugh about how they had to transfer to community college because they flunked out of two other schools (Texas Tech and A&M I think it was?)

My hatred knows no bounds.

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