Lessons In Bullshit: Life Learned Me Good.

08/08/2011 · 121 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina

  • The very best tacos are where you least expect to find them. I hear this is also true of whores.
  • Nothing prefaced with the word MAGIC is of any intrinsic value beyond a bubblingly wicked case of the clap.
  • I will always find America’s Funniest Home Videos hilarious, and it will always remind me of just how far it is to the rock bottom.
  • I think homeless jokes are pants-shittingly funny.
  • Green vegetables are not for me. I am 2 years old in my culinary tastes, and I am okay with it. BRING THE MAC AND MOTHERFUCKING CHEESE.
  • The word cornhole will always make me laugh. Especially when prefaced with the words, “Big Chief.”
  • I will always harbor an unwaveringly macabre love of Michael Bolton.
  • Try as I might, I will not understand the appeal of Final Destination franchise. Unless it was meant as porn; then I feel like I need to marinate in Pine-Sol.
  • That I’m fairly sure I’d like to see a Donkey Show before I die.
  • That when people are “offended” by comedy, it usually means that they find it awesomely hilarious, but feel like they should be offended.
  • I cannot appreciate the acting work of Christian Bale on almost any level.
  • I have an innate and loathsome desire to listen to Morgan Freeman narrate a porn. “He watched her through the window. Lonely and yearning, he walked to the door and pressed the button. He stated that he had a pizza for her, and she, with a sparkle in her not-quite-seeing eyes, led him in by the cock.”
  • That long-haired bunny rabbits will always appear to be sentient hair weaves.
  • That too-powerful auto-flush toilets are weapons of biological warfare. This is not 13th century London; there is no need to toss that back at me. That basically equates to giving a homeless guy a handjob and then licking your own hand. HRRRCKKKK.
  • It’s not okay to offer to brand someone with my knuckle duster rings and a Bic lighter. Especially if it’s the first time you met them.
  • Strap-on dildos were probably originally meant to be whore pacifiers.
  • Camping is basically just white trash fantasy camp.
  • Shia LeBeouf is just a character played by James Franco in his spare time.
  • That I am not very good at being a real human being. I look like an alien attempting human contact like Jane Goodall and the motherfucking gorillas but without the genuine interest and a lot more alcohol and neediness.
  • Saying, “THE LORD WORKS,” at the end of every sentence is consistently fitting and wonderful. THE LORD WORKS.
  • There’s little sadder in the world than newscasters without a teleprompter. It’s then just 2 people with a quiet and powerful fear of failure with an awkwardly hateful respect for one another attempting to make small talk while the world burns. Especially when they begin to think that kind-of-racist anecdotes are the way to smooth everything over.
  • The center elevator in my building will usually have an unexplained healthy coating of shredded cheddar floor cheese after 1 AM. It’s as though that particular elevator is where the Hamburgler comes to beat off. THE LORD WORKS.
What has life taught you?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From HYP: “Um. I don’t know what to say. This is so fucking awesome that I make you laugh and you want to tell people about it. I am totally shoving this in everyone’s face today and for the rest of my life. For the record…I don’t hate you, probably.” 
 
 
Lynne August 8, 2011 at 6:46 am

Here’s something that might make you laugh even more and you may just have to have one:

Cornhole is a game. It’s similar to horseshoes. Maybe you knew that but I’d never heard of “cornhole” in any other way than to completely rook someone until I moved to North Carolina and discovered it’s a really popular game for outings and sports bars. Not too long after I moved here, someone asked me if I wanted to play cornhole. You can imagine my confusion. Here it is in case you need to add it to yours and Grace’s outdoor activities, and the one I found has a fantastic name: Captain Cornhole! http://www.ecrater.com/p/9128970/anchor-captain-cornhole-game-set

barefootorbust August 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

Oh my god. $164 for a painted piece of plywood with a hole. I know why they call it cornhole……that what you feel has been done to you after you paid for that shit.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

THAT CORNHOLE IS $160 MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS? For a CORNHOLE?

You could throw beanbags at a hooker’s cornhole for like, $12.

Lynne August 9, 2011 at 6:50 am

That sounds like a midwestern past-time for bored grain farmers.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Country hookers are the worst hookers.

Ann August 9, 2011 at 3:29 pm

We call it Bags here in Chicago.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:42 pm

So do the hookers.

Padded Cell Princess August 8, 2011 at 7:09 am

Homeless jokes are alright, but a Helen Keller joke will get me every time! THE LORD WORKS…and has a sense of humor for making Hellen Keller!
Padded Cell Princess recently posted..My Plea to People with Pets

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Oh man–I completely forgot about Helen Keller. Bitch should speak up every once in a while.

Kella August 8, 2011 at 7:52 am

“Strap-on dildos were probably originally meant to be whore pacifiers.”

…I can’t tell you WHY I found this so tit-jigglingly amusing, but there you have it.

Of course, I am now picturing a whole line of whore nappies, bottles, toilet-training gear, et al.

I hate you, Noa. In the goddamned face. Never fucking change, you goddamned weirdo.

THE LORD WORKS
Kella recently posted..My soul is not for sale. I’ll consider fair rental fees, however…

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:44 pm

It’d be too expensive to change now. I’m already in too deep in legal trouble anyway.

Kella August 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

On the plus side, at least you’ll be the most well-recognized bitch in women’s prison. They’ll be too busy laughing to poke you with toilet brushes.

I’d consider that a win all around.
Kella recently posted..My soul is not for sale. I’ll consider fair rental fees, however…

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I’ll never look at my toilet brush the same again.

Brandi August 8, 2011 at 8:10 am

So, when I was in middle and high school, at the height of his popularity, I lived on the same street as Michael Bolton. (My mother was a live-in private duty nurse for a rich old lady and we lived in a house on the grounds. We couldn’t have afforded to buy even a tree house on that street, just to be clear).

ANYWAY, Mr. Bolton was an avid jogger. Every morning at 6:30 I would stand at the kitchen window to watch him jog past. It was a glorious sight to behold–his bare, pasty white chest, quads rippling below his Richard Simmons-esque shorty shorts, his flowing curls trailing behind him in a ponytail…My 16 year old self wanted to give that man all the “Time, Love and Tenderness” he needed.
THE LORD WORKS
Brandi recently posted..I Went Down Yonder on the Chattahoochee

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I’ll soon be exploiting you for your Bolton Contacts. THE LORD WORKS.

Jaclyn August 8, 2011 at 8:17 am

I KNEW there was something off about that little douche, Shia LaBeouf. I fucking hate that dude.
Jaclyn recently posted..You Know What I Hate?

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

But doesn’t it all make sense now? I thought about this on the plane to San Diego and suddenly the universe made sense again.

Jaclyn August 9, 2011 at 9:23 am

It’s like that one episode of… I think it was Family Guy?… where they were spoofing Jerry Springer or some shit and it was like “actually I’m a guy” then “actually I’m a horse” then “actually I’m a broomstick”. Fucking Shia is a total broomstick. I don’t get his appeal at all. Dear Shia: Grow a fucking jawline like a man. I hate your stupid face. Love, Jaclyn
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:08 pm

My God. Is it a broom playing James Franco playing Shia? HOLY SHIT.

Kelly August 8, 2011 at 8:51 am

Morgan Freeman narrating porn… I’d equate that to a bad car accident that you know you shouldn’t watch but can’t pull yourself away from. Especially if it was starring Michael Bolton, but not with his new haircut, he needs his Fabio-esque locks back. The soundtrack should include gems such as “Steel Bars”, “Said I loved you…but I lied”, and “Can I touch you…there?” and the only spoken lines by MB will be THE LORD WORKS.
Kelly recently posted..Dick Jokes and Hoarders

Jaclyn August 8, 2011 at 10:22 am

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Kelly August 8, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Morgan Freeman, great. James Earl Jones might be crossing a line: “Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke…. I am your faaaaaaaaaaaathaaaaa….”
Kelly recently posted..Someone please, kick.my.ass.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:48 pm

@Kelly: I think you just blew my mind a little bit there. But let’s have Tom Cruise star just to fuck it all up.

@Jaclyn: At the beauty and possibility of what could be?

Kelly August 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm

With Tom Cruise headlining, we should probably make sure that there’s couches for him to jump on, no? Maybe Charlie Sheen can have a cameo as the pizza boy or something. Really, the possibilities are endless. Porn Oscar GOLD.
Kelly recently posted..Someone please, kick.my.ass.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Then, Rush Limbaugh.

Kelly August 9, 2011 at 5:39 pm

You’re so wrong, but oh so right. I think I’m leaving my husband for you.
Kelly recently posted..Someone please, kick.my.ass.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Excellent. You can sleep on my futon.

Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) August 8, 2011 at 9:11 am

Thank you for saying what we’ve all been thinking about Christian Bale. That latest Batman movie made me want to beat him to death with my DVD-player.
Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) recently posted..Affirmations inspired by my upcoming 25th high school reunion.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I love Batman so much, and I pretend that Christian Bale is really just not in the movies at all–that’s it’s another iteration of Val Kilmer. Because I love Val Kilmer and I love Dark Knight.

ColinP August 8, 2011 at 9:41 am

Dammit, you are right; Morgan Freeman has to totally narrate a porn flick.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Suddenly Colin has a new life goal.

Leauxra August 8, 2011 at 10:04 am

I don’t understand. It’s NOT OK to brand someone?

Well, shit.
Leauxra recently posted..Bathroom Zombies: The End is Nigh

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Yeah, apparently not. Who knew?

lola August 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

I’m going to share TWO life changing lessons that I’ve picked up in my forty-hmphish years on this planet.

1. ONE thing and one thing only will never disappoint you.
Low expectations.

Also, not quite as important but still somewhat life altering,

2. After watching the movie “Day After Tomorrow” I realized that although death by fire, earthquake, flooding and other natural disasters seems terrible? There’s a worse way to go. Dying of boredom. That movie sucked.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:52 pm

1. That is how all comedians go through life. It’s either a life full of, “well, ok,” or a life full of, “that was pretty cool.”

2. I accidentally got sucked into a Nick Cannon movie this weekend and I cannot agree more.

Johi August 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

Michael Bolton scares the shit out of me. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is because he is oddly corpse-like, complete with stolen antique doll hair. Or maybe an ancient scalp… I don’t know. Every time he sings I am reminded of severe constipation…. by candlelight. He is like a creepy, constipated clown. Or maybe it is because he looks like the real-life version of the Madam puppet from Hollywood Squares, who made me almost crap my pants with fear when I was a child. Yep, whatever it is, it isn’t good.
Johi recently posted..Injuring myself without the fun of Adrenaline

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:53 pm

“Every time he sings I am reminded of severe constipation…. by candlelight.”

And there’s the theme of the Morgan Freeman narrated porn with Michael Bolton as the soundtrack.

PS: This comment was fucking stellar.

barefootorbust August 8, 2011 at 11:51 am

Hmm. Usually if I am offended by “comedy”, it’s because it really wasn’t funny. I am a stand up comedy nerd. I am also not easily offended. It peeves me no end when people buy a ticket to a show of someone who is known for being edgy or who swears a lot, then bitches about how they were offensive or foul mouthed. The internet is open to everyone, moron. Do your research. You hire Frankie Boyle, you get Frankie Boyle humor.

The worst one I heard? At a local show here in Eugene: ” He should know we are here and should tone it down.” What? Seriously? You expect him to go through the list of 2,000 people and figure out if there is anyone on the list who might be offended by his swearing? Entitlement much?

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

There was never a more accurate statement made than, “if I am offended by “comedy”, it’s because it really wasn’t funny.” A talented comedian can make you see the humor in literally everything, and if you’re not willing to listen and open your goddamn mind for a 1/2 hour, then don’t go. He won’t miss you either.

barefootorbust August 8, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Amen.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:09 pm

THE LORD WORKS.

Lena Teegal August 8, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Also make sure part of your best friend’s job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Why didn’t I think of that? I have so much porn to hide. ELIZABETH–OH GOD ELIZABETH I NEED YOU.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 8, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Wait a GODDAMN minute. If you die, I’m supposed to ERASE your porn? Why can’t you just bequeath that goldmine to me, you selfish ho?
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elizabeth- flourish in progress August 8, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Also, I’m glad you put my name in caps. Apparently, one of my talents is recognizing my name when I scrolling through something. Unless you have another friend named Elizabeth. Then I need to go kill her.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: the joys of thug life

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I’m also friends with Elizabeth Smart, but something tells me she won’t delete my porn stash and/or make good use of it.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:09 pm

It’s your call. It’s pretty horrifying porn.

wagthedad August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I think “offended” was invented by the same people who made up the word “appropriate” and “inappropriate.” Those words are just so fucking meaningless and tedious.

So since as usual lately I am not FUNNY like everbody else, being wacked out on caffeine and 2 hours of sleep, I will just relate something I think is fucking funny.

About fifteen years ago I saw George Carlin at a free beginning-of-the-year show at the University of Illinois. Tickets were first-come-first-serve, but because the stadium can hold nearly all of the students, everyone who wanted a ticket got one.

Carlin used to do this thing about anti-abortionists, and right-wingers being all for the fetus until it comes out, and then there are no food stamps, no post-natal (or pre-natal) care, no daycare, no welfare, no single mother support, yadda yadda, until the fetus gets to be 18 and then it can either be drafted and die in a war or be executed.

My favorite part, the part with the right winger imagining some eighteen year old kid getting executed and wacking off while imagining this, was when half the people got up to leave.

Literally half. Like a thousand people stood up at once. I thought maybe it was a klan rally or something, but they filed out peacefully.

Carlin wasn’t phased at all. “OK, now that all the ASSHOLES are gone, let’s get down to business.”

And then he tore into the left-wingers.

He was my first love.

To sum up:

Abortion rocks.
George Carlin was cool.
Left wing people suck, too.

AND thank you Noa, once again, for sharing. Now we all know you much better. Really.
wagthedad recently posted..Fuck You Barbie and the Pegasus. And Also Fuck the Smurfs.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:56 pm

George Carlin is a shining example of what genius comedy can be at it’s very top level–it makes you think, it makes you laugh, and it goes into dark areas to teach you to LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

wicked opinion August 10, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I see your Morgan Freeman porn narration and raise you George Carlin narrating porn that stars Les Grossman (Tom Cruise). Let’s play some imagination poker, bitches! THE LORD WORKS.

Jaclyn August 9, 2011 at 9:32 am

With Carlin’s death, a new voice must come to claim his position at the top of the mountain of funny… obviously I’m going to nominate Dane Cook.
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Dane Cook is the pinnacle of what is funny–just like Carlos MenciaMotherOfGod I can’t even type this without making myself sick.

wagthedad August 9, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Ok, because I live under the cultural rock that is Europe, I do not know who Dane Cook is. I must remedy that right quick.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 2:34 pm

NOOOOOOOO. DEAR GOD DON’T DO IT. DON’T.

Ann August 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Wait, wait…hold the presses….Dane Cook??? Seriously?? Daniel Tosh from Tosh.O is a million times funnier. If you have not seen him, you need to see what you are missing.

Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Sorry, that was sarcasm about Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia. I hate those pricks almost as much as I hate Kevin Costner.

Jaclyn August 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

Yeah, seriously. NO ONE should ever hear anything that comes out of either of those two ever again. They are fucking awful.
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Ann August 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Ok now I feel stupid. This is what happens when you read your blog at work while doing a million other things.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Don’t worry about it! I just wanted to make sure I was being clear so I didn’t lost my street cred.

wicked opinion August 10, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Does anyone NOT hate Kevin Costner? For reals.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

If they like him, they need a good crotch punch.

Andi August 8, 2011 at 12:52 pm

You are so right, as usual. What I’ve learned so far:

*If you enjoy a place, go there a lot. People always close that shit down. I don’t care if it’s a porn shop, book store or Wild Rivers — if you enjoy it, they will find out and take it away.

*Nobody who wants to should be allowed to run this country. Political positions should be filled by a lottery, like in the Shirley Jackson story. People who actually want those jobs have something wrong in their head.

*If you have to say it, you ain’t it. This applies to nice, smart, cute, responsible, sexy…..whatever. If you have to start a sentence with “Look, I’m a nice guy but…,” fuhgeddaboutit. You ain’t nice.

*Life is too short to deprive yourself. Nobody puts on their gravestone, “She died with a perfect body.” Have a drink and some cake.

*You’ve heard the golden rule, “Treat others the way you want to be treated?” Fuck that shit. Treat others exactly the way they treat you. Anything else is a quick route to being a doormat.

*Always start with being reasonable. You can scream later, when it becomes obvious that reasonable ain’t happening.

*Take care of your responsibilities. The apocalypse never happens before your homework is due.

*The best way to save money is to buy something extravagant. This will frighten and mortify most people into sitting on their bank account for a good long while.

*People always tell women to be careful traveling in certain areas. The statistics, however, are that 70% of women are killed by husbands and/or boyfriends. On the other hand, 60% of guys are murdered by someone they’ve never met. This means you can go where you like, as long as you’re careful who you date. Don’t take the guys with you, though — it’s too dangerous for them.
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blondie August 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm

*Nobody who wants to should be allowed to run this country. Political positions should be filled by a lottery, like in the Shirley Jackson story. People who actually want those jobs have something wrong in their head.

I totally agree. And then when their term expires, they have to be stoned, just like in the Shirley Jackson story.

And to go off on a tangent that has nothing to do with this reply …

Sorry,man. I must confess, I have long had a big crush on Christian Bale (except I had to intentionally black out the whole American Psycho movie, yuck!). I can’t help it.

Finally, other drivers are just selfish jerks. They’ll totally steal the right-of-way and your parking spot, almost never waving you “in.” Accept it and move on. Unless you want to work on your improv swearing.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Every time you think you like Christian Bale, go grab an axe and a raincoat, and put on Huey Lewis.

You’re welcome.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

There was a quote in Harry Potter that has stuck with me for a very long time–“True power and responsibility usually come to those who don’t want it.”

How I wish that were true in our universe, or at least that when that power came to those who truly deserved it, they realized it and were allowed the opportunity.

Misty August 9, 2011 at 10:23 am

Oh My God. Muther Fucking YES to this whole list! You are my new hero, Andi.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:11 pm

She’s one selfless ho, that Andi.

Angie Uncovered August 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

“There’s little sadder in the world than newscasters without a teleprompter. It’s then just 2 people with a quiet and powerful fear of failure with an awkwardly hateful respect for one another attempting to make small talk while the world burns. ”

You stay classy, San Diego. I’m Ron Burgundy?
Angie Uncovered recently posted..We Don’t Use The "F Word" In Public!

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

It’s rare that that quote fits so beautifully, but it completely works here. Ferrell wasn’t working off of jokes in that scenario–he’s clearly seen anchors attempt human contact with certain disastrous results.

Tazer August 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

You know, I would totally watch a porn narrated by Morgan Freeman. In fact, I might even consider being in it. You know, for artistic value, and shit. But only if there was a Prostitute Pacifier involved, and a pony. Cause you know that shit’s real.
Tazer recently posted..Household Chores for the Pet Owner’s Soul

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Ponies are real?

Tans August 8, 2011 at 1:18 pm

“Camping is basically just white trash fantasy camp. ”

I’m headed to wtfc next week. Pray for me.

THE LORD WORKS (through the many adult beverages I’ll be consuming over the course of 5 days in the wilderness with a bit of NASCAR thrown in. Yes. NASCAR. Fireboy is gonna have to put out A WHOLE LOT for me to still consider our union valid when this is all over)

I’m with Tazer, if Morgan Freeman’s narrating it, then I’m all about it. Because, you know, if he’s the voiceover, you know it’s classy!

“And then Jade… along with her cousin’s pet donkey Assie…strolled out to the meadow where they came across Todd… a recent city transplant…just trying to find his way in the country…”

That shit would be GOLD. MF’s voice would make porn acceptable for parents to put on as background noise for their kids to fall asleep by. Pure comfort voiced GOLD.
Tans recently posted..The Bitch List: Public Edition

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:02 pm

“Good night, sleep tight, don’t let Morgan Freeman talking about cocks and poonsockets scar you psychologically for a much-extended amount of time!”

Tans August 8, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Scar me? Fuck, I want him to narrate my life!

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Someone asked a question once that made me very sad. When Morgan Freeman dies, who is going to narrate the movie about his life?

wicked opinion August 10, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Uh, not to shit on your parade but yes, he’s got a golden voice…. aaaand he’s fucking his step-granddaughter. So there’s that.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

That’s amazing.

Kaye August 8, 2011 at 2:07 pm

The very best tacos are where you least expect to find them. I hear this is also true of whores.

My first thought EXACTLY once the word “taco” went in my head. We are kindred spirits. Also i’m bookmarking this so I can use it as Facebook Status’s and I will include you as the author. :P

blondie August 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Also, fish tacos are the worst-sounding, good-tasting food.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I am too afraid of eating fish tacos.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Because one can never eat a taco without thinking of a vagina. It’s my divine retribution to love tacos more than any other food pretty much.

Bcca August 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I cannot stop laughing. I keep re-reading and laughing. My work place thinks I suffer from seizures. I can’t even think of a witty repartee for this because I keep cracking up like a school boy who’s seen his first boobie.

You rock.
Bcca recently posted..I’m Going to Have to Minimize My Guest Posting Rights… Fuck… Just Kidding….

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I’m flattered–thank you. I hope your Co-workers don’t call EMS though.

Eric August 8, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Morgan Freeman narrating porn was every bit as brilliant and more as Samuel L. Jackson narrating “Go The Fuck To Sleep” was. I heard that in my head in Morgan’s voice as I read it and it went fine until I got to “led him in by the cock” and I couldn’t see for the tears anymore.

This is why I never miss a post. Well, that and I get an email, but mostly because I check every day.
Eric recently posted..I’ll edit in the title later . . . when I remember what the hell it was

Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

First, a response: I even wrote that thinking in his voice. It’s impossible not to. And now, Morgan Freeman is in my head as I write this comment. Penis. Penis. Anus. Shawshank. Also, thank you for reading.

Second, a tangent: I GET 5 FUCKING EMAILS FROM MYSELF EVERY TIME I POST SOMETHING. I don’t know how it happens, and I can’t turn it off. It is weird.

Cocks.

Metta (the letter m) August 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Michael Bolton? I actually can’t stand him, but that’s (only partly) because every half a week during my formative years, there’d be another sappy release of his full of drivel about love.

He’s the lyrical equivalent of Mills & Boon.

Then he put out “I said I loved you but I lied”, and he couldn’t even write a breakup song without it being sappy… but the chicks really dug him, and would sing along and be all weepy about him breaking up with his one true love.

He makes me stabby.
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I usually hate fluffy movies and sappy songs, but there’s something about Bolton that just makes me irreversibly happy. It’s shameful.

Jillian August 8, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Always take care of a nose itch before exiting the public restroom.

Never, under any circumstances, wear a purple bandana over your hair. It will be your new worst day ever.

I think that graduation caps were created to be one last attempt at hazing before students were finally released from any school, ever. It’s like the teachers/administrators said, “We now leave you only with your memories of how we effed up your dreams of becoming the world’s most famous monkey trainer. But, for one last bit of fun, we’re going to force you to wear a piece of cardboard on your head and sew it to a hat for rabbits. Haha, suckers. Haha.”

And even better than Morgan Freeman narrating a porno, in my opinion, would be to hear Morgan Freeman read aloud the most non-sexy sex words. Nipple. Scrotum. Ejaculation. Would these words find a deeper, more sultry meaning in the world? I believe they would.
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Morgan Freeman’s Words:

Prostate
Clitoris
Labia
Vulva
Areola
Buttocks
Semen

Jillian August 8, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Who came up with the word Buttocks? It’s not even a strange medical term that can be explained away by ancient dead languages. Instead, it’s a pseudo-dirty word that only sounds proper in a British accent. I’d like to hear what Morgan Freeman can do with that.
Jillian recently posted..Dreams of Green (Good Lord, Such a Creative Title…)

Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:12 pm

It sort of sounded like you were asking Morgan Freeman to have sex with you there at the end.

Jillian August 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I’m ok with that.
Jillian recently posted..Dreams of Green (Good Lord, Such a Creative Title…)

Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Excellent.

Lori August 8, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I think Shia Lebouf and James Franco are both actually played by a Oompa-Loompa with a glandular disorder who shops at K-mart. Because frankly I don’t think there can be any other explanation.
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Oh my God. My mind is blown. Again.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm

One question: If I enjoy camping, does that make me white?
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Welcome, friend. It’s bland here.

Ninja Mom August 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm

If a toddler’s shit falls outside of the toilet and everyone in the house is around to see, hear, and smell it, they will pretend they had no idea that turds don’t belong on the floor because that’s my job. I’m a lucky gal. I pick up turds.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:13 pm

And it makes you the baddest ass of them all.

Ninja Mom August 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

That was supposed to be my addition to the list of life lessons. But reading back , the comments I surely should have talked about Carlin or the Franco/LaBoeuf phenomenon. Also, neglect to mention that since reading this post Morgan Freeman’s been narrating MY ENTIRE DAY.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Because you learned it and yet still continue to do it, it makes you badass-est.

You just read this in Freeman’s voice, didn’t you?

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] August 8, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I just added “Morgan Freeman and Sam Jackson tag-team narrating my morning poo,” to my Shit To Do list.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Your LITERAL shit to do.

Satan August 9, 2011 at 4:35 am

“I have an innate and loathsome desire to listen to Morgan Freeman narrate a porn.”

oh dear fucking christ.

“the man slides his freakishly huge penis into the lady’s rectum. in, out. in, out. she is quite vocally excited. then the couple is joined by another man, who proceeds to stick his freakishly large penis into her (admittedly, not very small) vagina. they proceed to discourse about a, quote unquote, ‘fuck sandwich.’ i am somewhat disturbed right now.”
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I’m caught in this terrible paradox of, “Oh God that’s awful,” and “Holy shit that’s funny.”

hoodyhoo August 9, 2011 at 6:11 am

Of course I agree with this whole thing, adding the caveat that the best barbeque chicken comes from the gas station. And if Morgan Freeman says “cock,” that might just beat out Betty White saying “Motherfuckers.”
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:16 pm

What if it were Betty White AND Morgan Freeman doing voice-over work for Japanese Porn?

hoodyhoo August 10, 2011 at 6:59 am

PERFECT. I could then die happy.
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Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I like your dreams.

Misty August 9, 2011 at 10:31 am

Bring the Mac & Mutherfucking Cheese! Amen to that sister.

Also, one of my favorites is the always inspirational “Have a Bless-ed Day!” that I always get. My reaction? NO. I WILL NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. And why exactly do they feel they have the right or power to bless my day in the first place? Get a job you fucking deadbeat. Then we’ll talk about whether you should be blessing shit. Damn.

But yeah, THE LORD WORKS.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Start replying with, “Have a cock-n-balls day!”

Misty August 9, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I am always tempted to tell them to “have a Damned day,” seeing as I’m a heathen and all, but that would only get me in trouble. Maybe “have a suck-my-cock day?” I don’t see how that one could go wrong.
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I think it’s an appropriate response.

Mango Chutney August 9, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I would personally pay a full price ticket to hear your randition of Homeless Jokes, and I HATE James Franco! ;)
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Noa August 9, 2011 at 1:19 pm

That ticket will cost you 6 tacos.

Rebecca August 9, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Ok so this comment is not happening like I thought it would, I was (am) intimidated by all the funny comments but tonight…My husband served me a glass of “wine”… and he either poured 1/2 alcohol 1/2 wine or he is trying to drug me. Either way I am not 100% sober…I dont think, I cant tell.

Anyway. You are funny. That is all. Not going to attempt a witty response. I need my 2 brain cells to type.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:49 pm

This was possibly one of the best comments I’ve ever gotten.

Dead Cow Girl August 10, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I assume you meant HOBO jokes are pants-shittingly funny. And that you have your own signed copy of Bum Fights. And THAT is what you would really save in a fire.

I also hated on the Final Destination franchise until I realize it was A.) a comedy and B.) a drinking game. I have also never watched anything past the first (and I’m assuming funniest) one.
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Noa August 10, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Yes, Hobo jokes. EVEN I HAVE A HEART, DAMNIT.

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