- The very best tacos are where you least expect to find them. I hear this is also true of whores.
- Nothing prefaced with the word MAGIC is of any intrinsic value beyond a bubblingly wicked case of the clap.
- I will always find America’s Funniest Home Videos hilarious, and it will always remind me of just how far it is to the rock bottom.
- I think homeless jokes are pants-shittingly funny.
- Green vegetables are not for me. I am 2 years old in my culinary tastes, and I am okay with it. BRING THE MAC AND MOTHERFUCKING CHEESE.
- The word cornhole will always make me laugh. Especially when prefaced with the words, “Big Chief.”
- I will always harbor an unwaveringly macabre love of Michael Bolton.
- Try as I might, I will not understand the appeal of Final Destination franchise. Unless it was meant as porn; then I feel like I need to marinate in Pine-Sol.
- That I’m fairly sure I’d like to see a Donkey Show before I die.
- That when people are “offended” by comedy, it usually means that they find it awesomely hilarious, but feel like they should be offended.
- I cannot appreciate the acting work of Christian Bale on almost any level.
- I have an innate and loathsome desire to listen to Morgan Freeman narrate a porn. “He watched her through the window. Lonely and yearning, he walked to the door and pressed the button. He stated that he had a pizza for her, and she, with a sparkle in her not-quite-seeing eyes, led him in by the cock.”
- That long-haired bunny rabbits will always appear to be sentient hair weaves.
- That too-powerful auto-flush toilets are weapons of biological warfare. This is not 13th century London; there is no need to toss that back at me. That basically equates to giving a homeless guy a handjob and then licking your own hand. HRRRCKKKK.
- It’s not okay to offer to brand someone with my knuckle duster rings and a Bic lighter. Especially if it’s the first time you met them.
- Strap-on dildos were probably originally meant to be whore pacifiers.
- Camping is basically just white trash fantasy camp.
- Shia LeBeouf is just a character played by James Franco in his spare time.
- That I am not very good at being a real human being. I look like an alien attempting human contact like Jane Goodall and the motherfucking gorillas but without the genuine interest and a lot more alcohol and neediness.
- Saying, “THE LORD WORKS,” at the end of every sentence is consistently fitting and wonderful. THE LORD WORKS.
- There’s little sadder in the world than newscasters without a teleprompter. It’s then just 2 people with a quiet and powerful fear of failure with an awkwardly hateful respect for one another attempting to make small talk while the world burns. Especially when they begin to think that kind-of-racist anecdotes are the way to smooth everything over.
- The center elevator in my building will usually have an unexplained healthy coating of shredded cheddar floor cheese after 1 AM. It’s as though that particular elevator is where the Hamburgler comes to beat off. THE LORD WORKS.
Lessons In Bullshit: Life Learned Me Good.
What has life taught you?
–Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From HYP: “Um. I don’t know what to say. This is so fucking awesome that I make you laugh and you want to tell people about it. I am totally shoving this in everyone’s face today and for the rest of my life. For the record…I don’t hate you, probably.”