Martha Stewart, you so crazy.
When I saw your list of 10 Thoughts On Romance, I knew it was going to be contrite and WASP-ish. I thought you might teach me how to scent my lovers poonsocket with a poultice of rosemary and astroglide.
Perhaps some passages on prison rape (with Pam as lube?)
I did not expect that it was going to be a how-to guide for stalkers.
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Love yourself, love others!
Noa Knows She Means: Martha’s telling me to beat off relentlessly to pictures/totems/toenails of whom I love. And be okay with it. It’s the only way they’re ever going to fall deeply in love with me.
For the love of God, Martha, you’re telling people the path to true love is masturbation. Is that how you found true love? I cannot imagine a scenario in which that is actually the case–rarely do people marry the stripper.
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: You learn to move on. Chin up, bitch!
Noa Knows She Means: “That subpoena is just a cock-tease. That threat of arrest? Foreplay. Each time you try to stop me I know it just means you. Love. Me. More.”
Don’t stop stalking. Each time I lose the battle, there opens up a brand new method into winning the war!
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Revitalize your passion–you’ll fall in love all over again!
Noa Knows She Means: She didn’t mean it in court when she said she didn’t love me and was afraid of what I can do and when her lawyer said I was a danger to all living humans possessing nipples. Bitch just playin’. She’s trying to revive the passion!
Sometimes, Martha, passion should just be left to die like a prom corsage covered in used condom in the trunk of a 1988 Camaro.
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t listen to the mainstream; do what’s right for you!
Noa Knows She Means: Anything can be a holiday when I’m a registered felon!
Getting my 30-day chip. 60 days left in probation. 2 clean STD screens in a row. A significant drop in herpes sores. Completing the shrine to your magnificent ass. Blow-Up Doll scrub-and-polishing day. Celebrate what matters!
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Choose your words carefully–quality over quantity.
Noa Knows She Means: Words like knife, vagina, slicing, rope, burn, ladder, ski mask, windows, and horror. Because when she picks up the phone, I’ll only have a few seconds before the cops begin to trace my call. I won’t do that ol’ heavy breathing bullshit; I’ll tell her how I really feel!
You’re one sick fuck, Martha.
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: You need both love and passion to survive.
Noa Knows She Means: Like the Kerosene I pour on your house to ensure that no one else can love you if you don’t love me, passion ignites my loving soul.
It may also cause 3rd degree burns and death. WHOOPSIE DAISY! The best laid plans…
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t forget to show your sweetie you care with more than words.
Noa Knows She Means: Nothing says, “I love you,” more than stroking your hair through your open bedroom window while you sleep. Nothing says, “I love you in a wholly unhealthy way bordering on psychological instability,” like cutting some of that hair and stroking it in the locket I wear around my neck. Nothing says, “lovvvvvvvve mmmmeeeeeee,” more than stealing your panties and wearing them the next day. Nothing says, “colorfully sordid arrest record,” like making underpants out of your hair.
And hairpanties will be on the next cover of Martha Steward Living. *Itch*
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Deeply connecting to other humans is essential.
Noa Knows She Means: Like threateningly connecting with her stylist. Or coworkers. Or grandmother. Or mail carrier. Or clairvoyant cat. Anyone and everyone who can get you closer. One little ransom note and you’re in! It’s like they say, it’s not what you stalk, but who!
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Sex is critical to romantic relationships.
Noa Knows She Means: Okay, reallllllyyyy? Fuck, I’m not even trying anymore–this is just some of the creepiest shit I have ever heard. I don’t even have to write a stalker joke for that, Martha, because nothing says unhealthy obsession like treating sex like blood.
And suddenly, Noa explains the entire Twilight Franchise.
Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of your sweetie! It will bring you closer.
Noa Knows She Means: I haven’t tormented you for nothing! When I have you tied up in my shower while I wield a dirty hatchet in your face, it’s your tears that show me that all of this has been worth it. Your tears of joy at how far I’m willing to go are my reward.
Jesus Christ. I’ve never been so afraid to watch a crafting show in my entire life. Stewart has shown the exact opposite of compassion in this lovely list, and only proven that given the chance, she will stone cold cut a bitch.
Got any other stalker tips for Martha?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: “Michael Bolton scares the shit out of me. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is because he is oddly corpse-like, complete with stolen antique doll hair. Or maybe an ancient scalp… I don’t know. Every time he sings I am reminded of severe constipation…. by candlelight. He is like a creepy, constipated clown. Or maybe it is because he looks like the real-life version of the Madam puppet from Hollywood Squares, who made me almost crap my pants with fear when I was a child. Yep, whatever it is, it isn’t good.”