Felony Charges: It’s A Good Thing

08/10/2011 · 62 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Martha Stewart, you so crazy.

When I saw your list of 10 Thoughts On Romance, I knew it was going to be contrite and WASP-ish. I thought you might teach me how to scent my lovers poonsocket with a poultice of rosemary and astroglide.

Perhaps some passages on prison rape (with Pam as lube?)

I did not expect that it was going to be a how-to guide for stalkers.

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Love yourself, love others!
Noa Knows She Means: Martha’s telling me to beat off relentlessly to pictures/totems/toenails of whom I love. And be okay with it. It’s the only way they’re ever going to fall deeply in love with me.

For the love of God, Martha, you’re telling people the path to true love is masturbation. Is that how you found true love? I cannot imagine a scenario in which that is actually the case–rarely do people marry the stripper.

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: You learn to move on. Chin up, bitch!
Noa Knows She Means: “That subpoena is just a cock-tease. That threat of arrest? Foreplay. Each time you try to stop me I know it just means you. Love. Me. More.

Don’t stop stalking. Each time I lose the battle, there opens up a brand new method into winning the war!

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Revitalize your passion–you’ll fall in love all over again!
Noa Knows She Means: She didn’t mean it in court when she said she didn’t love me and was afraid of what I can do and when her lawyer said I was a danger to all living humans possessing nipples. Bitch just playin’. She’s trying to revive the passion!

Sometimes, Martha, passion should just be left to die like a prom corsage covered in used condom in the trunk of a 1988 Camaro.

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t listen to the mainstream; do what’s right for you!
Noa Knows She Means: Anything can be a holiday when I’m a registered felon!

Getting my 30-day chip. 60 days left in probation. 2 clean STD screens in a row. A significant drop in herpes sores. Completing the shrine to your magnificent ass. Blow-Up Doll scrub-and-polishing day. Celebrate what matters!

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Choose your words carefully–quality over quantity.
Noa Knows She Means: Words like knife, vagina, slicing, rope, burn, ladder, ski mask, windows, and horror. Because when she picks up the phone, I’ll only have a few seconds before the cops begin to trace my call. I won’t do that ol’ heavy breathing bullshit; I’ll tell her how I really feel!

You’re one sick fuck, Martha.

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: You need both love and passion to survive.
Noa Knows She Means: Like the Kerosene I pour on your house to ensure that no one else can love you if you don’t love me, passion ignites my loving soul.

It may also cause 3rd degree burns and death. WHOOPSIE DAISY! The best laid plans…

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t forget to show your sweetie you care with more than words.
Noa Knows She Means: Nothing says, “I love you,” more than stroking your hair through your open bedroom window while you sleep. Nothing says, “I love you in a wholly unhealthy way bordering on psychological instability,” like cutting some of that hair and stroking it in the locket I wear around my neck. Nothing says, “lovvvvvvvve mmmmeeeeeee,” more than stealing your panties and wearing them the next day. Nothing says, “colorfully sordid arrest record,” like making underpants out of your hair.

And hairpanties will be on the next cover of Martha Steward Living. *Itch*

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Deeply connecting to other humans is essential.
Noa Knows She Means: Like threateningly connecting with her stylist. Or coworkers. Or grandmother. Or mail carrier. Or clairvoyant cat. Anyone and everyone who can get you closer. One little ransom note and you’re in! It’s like they say, it’s not what you stalk, but who!

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Sex is critical to romantic relationships.
Noa Knows She Means: Okay, reallllllyyyy? Fuck, I’m not even trying anymore–this is just some of the creepiest shit I have ever heard. I don’t even have to write a stalker joke for that, Martha, because nothing says unhealthy obsession like treating sex like blood.

And suddenly, Noa explains the entire Twilight Franchise.

Martha Thinks She’s Saying: Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of your sweetie! It will bring you closer.
Noa Knows She Means: I haven’t tormented you for nothing! When I have you tied up in my shower while I wield a dirty hatchet in your face, it’s your tears that show me that all of this has been worth it. Your tears of joy at how far I’m willing to go are my reward.

Jesus Christ. I’ve never been so afraid to watch a crafting show in my entire life. Stewart has shown the exact opposite of compassion in this lovely list, and only proven that given the chance, she will stone cold cut a bitch.

Happy crafting.

Got any other stalker tips for Martha?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Johi: “Michael Bolton scares the shit out of me. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is because he is oddly corpse-like, complete with stolen antique doll hair. Or maybe an ancient scalp… I don’t know. Every time he sings I am reminded of severe constipation…. by candlelight. He is like a creepy, constipated clown. Or maybe it is because he looks like the real-life version of the Madam puppet from Hollywood Squares, who made me almost crap my pants with fear when I was a child. Yep, whatever it is, it isn’t good.”

 

Leslie August 10, 2011 at 5:43 am

I was scared of crafting before. Now I can feel fine about the half done crapbook….er, scrapbook, in a box on my shelf. Because you have shown me the light – Martha isn’t someone to emulate! I should feel fine about my decision not to even bother putting up a Christmas tree when my kid was two because he ain’t gonna remember that shit anyways and the goddamn attic is full of spiders. Thank you, Noa!

Oh, and you may have crossed a line here because I’m a little afraid of you now, too.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I’ll be honest, I scared myself with my inexplicably thorough knowledge of being a stalker.

hoodyhoo August 10, 2011 at 7:03 am

Poor Martha — she really thought making sure I couldn’t get on the visitors’ list when she was doin’ her time here in WBGV was gonna put me off (and where’s my poncho, bitch?) Little does she know… BEING ON TV IS NOT THE BEST WAY TO HIDE FROM ME, MARTHA!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Better Living Through Chemistry

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Silly Martha. You can never hide from hoody.

Poof August 10, 2011 at 7:36 am

And just what does Martha think of fitted sheets and prison beds?
Poof recently posted..Poof and all the reasons fitted sheets should be banned from life.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I…um…do they have sheets in prison?

Poof August 10, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I’m not sure. But I am sure she would know. Moreover, she is probably the only human being (excluding my mom) who can fold a fitted sheet and not be embarassed of the finished result.
Poof recently posted..Poof and all the reasons fitted sheets should be banned from life.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I think her sheets might even be scented.

Poof August 10, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Probably. I’m guessing like fraud and freshly baked cookies.
Poof recently posted..Poof and all the reasons fitted sheets should be banned from life.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Well played.

April August 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Crap, now I have to rush home and mess up all the folded fitted sheets in the closet. I’m so embarassed. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to be able to fold them neatly. It always felt like I was performing some kind of magic trick by folding them up neatly. I may have even folded fitted sheets into neat little squares in front of other people! What must they think of me?

Noa August 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

You can fold them bitches? Bitch.

Kelly August 10, 2011 at 8:40 am

Next up on the show, Martha will show us how to properly cut letters out of magazines and newspapers and use modge podge to make the classiest stalker letter/ransom note you’ve ever seen, featuring her own line of glitter – exclusively sold at Michael’s.
Kelly recently posted..Have your kids break their bones. Really.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:41 pm

OOOOOOO can we emboss them?

Bananaride August 10, 2011 at 9:07 am

I recently watched a show I believe is called Stalked! on Discovery which really opened my eyes to the many ways in which stalkers demonstrate their undying love for their intendeds. There was one particularly creative fellow on the show that went beyond the usual methods. He broke into the woman’s house and turned the heat way, way up (presumably so she’d feel the need to strip down to cool off, thus offering tantalizing window peeps) and then proceeded to head into her bathroom where he LICKED HER MIRROR.

She said, “I came into my bathroom and noticed that there were tongue prints on my mirror.” Now THAT is something I’d like to see forensics teams dusting for! It’s mirror lickin’ good, y’all!
Bananaride recently posted..It’s bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm

How does one discern if it’s actually tongue prints? Is there a distinctive pattern? Fuck. Now I have to go lick my mirrors to see.

blondie August 11, 2011 at 9:55 am

Ug! I don’t want to lick anything in my bathroom. Either it’s going to be bleach-flavored or disgusting.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I have lemon windex. It smells like candy…so now I’m curious.

Johi August 10, 2011 at 9:19 am

I think she forgot the part where she interrupts whomever is speaking to talk about how much she knows… or “back when I was a model”, because everyone knows that those things are the ultimate display of respect and affection.
Even though I liked her a tiny bit more after her stint in prison, it still doesn’t help me stomach the fact that she is such a pompous ass. YES MARTHA, YOU ARE THE MOST FABULOUS BEING TO GRACE THE EARTH. vomit.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Martha, like Oprah, strives to let you know just what your station in life really is by her constant superiority. It’s a special skill.

Jaclyn August 10, 2011 at 9:53 am

3 words. Papier Mache Vagina.

Also, hairpanties already exist. They are called pubes, Noa. PUBES.
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Leslie August 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I still really want to see the Martha Merkin.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I can’t wait to see that project. I’m assuming there’ll be classy crafting supplies.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Do your pubes wrap all the way around your ass? Because GODDAMN.

Jaclyn August 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm

yours don’t?
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

We need to talk.

Andi August 10, 2011 at 10:57 am

Martha has been creeping me out for years. Partly because nobody is that calm without major drugs or someone chained in the basement, and partly because my mom at her craziest has the same lack of affect in her expression.

The tips would give me shudders without your commentary. Now I’m going to have trouble sleeping at night. I don’t think this is going to be as easy to explain to the Hubs as my fear of Supernatural.

“What are you afraid of NOW?!?”
“Martha Stewart. She’s coming to get me. She’s going to force me to decoupage at 3 am. Save me!’
Andi recently posted..Lookie, Lookie, See What I Got!

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:51 pm

That steely expression hides what I can only assume is an all-consuming rage towards everything and everyone. And in that way, Martha is the ultimate sociopath. Someone call SVU–I have a goddamn storyline for them.

ColinP August 10, 2011 at 10:57 am

I am kind of surprised she didn’t go into you can show your love by creating a heart shaped collage of all of the creepy stalker photos you have been taking of your stalkee. Especially if you affix said collage to their bed room door.
ColinP recently posted..Randomness

Jaclyn August 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Every time I see your name, I think of Warren G. Like, I picture a white boy named Colin dressed head-to-toe in gang colors and carrying a boom box. Like Vanilla Ice sort of. My vision of you is definitely from 1992.
Jaclyn recently posted..Swings and Tears

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

@Colin: This was understood. That’s Martha’s first step.

@Jaclyn: I don’t know whether Colin should be flattered or terribly offended.

Bcca August 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Commitment the act of committing.

1. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself
2. a pledge or promise; obligation
3. engagement; involvement.

As in I’m totally committed to doing traumatic things to you should you drop the soap in the prison shower.

OR

In light of my new commitment in stalking your every move, I’ve been slapped with a restraining order. Nothing says love like a restraining order, or being traumatized.
Bcca recently posted..FuCk YoU Nun Nazi, FUCK YOU.

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:54 pm

That was amazing. Your level of commitment to the act of stalking is truly inspiring.

Bcca August 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I try. Not that I would know anything about it………………………………. there was that one time……………………………………….
Bcca recently posted..But Mom, All the Cool Kids are Twating…..

Noa August 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I’m nervous about your pauses.

Angie Uncovered August 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Build intimacy by cooking with your sweetheart. Try this:

After carving up your sweetie pie, boil the thigh until the fat begins to liquefy. Remove from heat and set aside.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Because I obviously have no sense of humor

Noa August 10, 2011 at 2:54 pm

HHHHHHRRRRRRRCCCCCCCCKKKKKK.

Awesome.

Luda August 10, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Wait a second. It’s not considered mainstream to celebrate two clean STD tests in a row? I must’ve been living under a herpes-riddled rock for the past 25 years, then.
Luda recently posted..Betty Cooper, will you be my bff?

Noa August 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Hey, you high-five yourself. That’s some excellent progress.

The Wannabe Housewife August 10, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I always new that Martha Stewart was a sketch bitch.

*massive giggles*

Noa August 10, 2011 at 8:54 pm

The more you know.

Tazer August 10, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Why do my comments keep getting modded everywhere. Bah humbug!
Tazer recently posted..Aimless wanderings and pointless musing

Noa August 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I didn’t get another comment from you today–that’s not good…

Dead Cow Girl August 10, 2011 at 8:20 pm

I just want to say, may you learn from my experience, that Blow-Up Doll scrub-and-polishing day is a hard one to celebrate. It just ends in a fucking disgusting mess. Just fucking buy a new one.

Any other stalker tips? Well… I did learn about reverse IP look up last weekend.
Dead Cow Girl recently posted..BlogHer11 Flashmob!

Noa August 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I trust your judgment.

Tazer WP August 10, 2011 at 11:06 pm

OK so let’s do “comment on Noa’s post 2.0″

I learned so much from this post. I can’t wait to utilize my new stalking skills to bring it up a notch. Can’t wait to don some hair-undies. Nothing says “I love you” like sitting in the bushes for 18 hours waiting for your unsuspecting lover to come home.
Tazer WP recently posted..Ridiculous things you can find on the internet

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

With your hair panties on.

Satan August 11, 2011 at 12:43 am

“And hairpanties will be on the next cover of Martha Steward Living. *Itch*”

jesus fuck, and i thought hair shirts were bad. damnit, it’s getting medieval up in here. quick, grab some torches. we can burn this bitch down! either that or stick her in a chastity belt, because she does NOT need to keep talking about sex. ever. martha’s sex advice is probably something like “learn how to crochet with your toes while your man is busy up there.”

damnit, now i am going to be thinking “Hair Panties” for the rest of the night. so, thanks for that.
*Itch* *Twitch*
Satan recently posted..zombie squid

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Did you just suggesting BURNING YOUR PUBES AWAY?

Alexandra August 11, 2011 at 1:23 am

Holy Man, I am glad to have met you.

I need to hang around here, to remind myself that I need to JUST BLOG FREELY.
No filters or worries..

it’s a good , very good thing.

I am grateful.
Alexandra recently posted..I Went To BlogHer and Got Some Sexy Healthy Oh!Shoes

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

FUCK FILTERING.

When you write comedy (or humor) and you self-edit your jokes (some people take don’t self-edit to literally and just refuse punctuation or grammar) then you are usually taking out what is the funniest. Every time I think I go too far and consider cutting a joke, but don’t, it ends up being the best part of the post.

Remember who you are and what you write about, and just. fucking. do it.

blondie August 11, 2011 at 10:06 am

Send her a stalker mix tape (do mix tapes exist anymore?)
Every Breath You Take
Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You
Can’t Get You Out Of My Head
You’re The One That I Want
One Way Or Another
500 Miles (I Would Walk)
Are You Lonesome Tonight
You Belong To Me

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

How can we be lovers?

Tans August 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

It always comes back to Michael Bolton with you, doesn’t it?
Tans recently posted..The Bitch List: Public Edition

Noa August 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Everything always does.

wagthedad August 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

My wife is totally into Martha Stewart, but she’s Austrian. I keep telling her “you don’t understand, the bitch is crazy,” but then she looks at my music collection and that trumps it all.

What I love about you, Noa, is that I don’t have to read. I just come here and I know what’s not worth reading. You should totally start a list like Oprah of shit NOT to read. The Noa list. You could have categories like “Shut Your Whore Mouth” and “Makes My Vagina Crawl.”

Huh? Huh?
wagthedad recently posted..You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Sleeping

Noa August 12, 2011 at 4:44 pm

For the record, Martha Stewart is never okay to read. Never.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 12, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I am even scared-er for you right now than that time you made fun of North Korea. Run, ho, run, Martha’s a’comin.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Fuck y’all, I’m from Texas.

Noa August 12, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Sorry, I can’t answer this right now. I just have to go check that knock on my door.

Sam August 14, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Spent the weekend stalking your blog, and just wanted to say you’re definitely funnier than my grandma. I would tell her, but then she might be hurt and stop providing me with Oreo Cookies. A girl’s gotta have her priorities.

I’ll bet Martha was real popular in prison. This advice is gold for the creepy-convict type :)

Noa August 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Don’t tell her. Cookies are the shit–a very good reason to keep fucking quiet.

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