Everything that I despise in the world can be summed up with this goddamn poster.

That sound you hear is my agonized screaming.

If this kitten convinces you to keep your grip on life, then the most dangerous thing that has ever been through your system is Nesquik.

If this kitten embodies all your worries and fears and shows you the way, then the dumbest choice you ever made was taffeta.

If this kitten speaks to your innermost soul, then my crotch holds the key to world peace.

These absurdly inspirational posters hung on the walls of my generation’s elementary schools, training an entire subset of humanity that the most effective way to speak out against the world around you is not to do something about your unhappiness, but to write brainless sayings on shittastic pictures.

And then these kids grew up, turned into the largest douches that God has ever known, and bestowed upon the world…this bullshit. My comments are in red.

Are you fucking serious?

This is like saying, “Without bullets, we’d have no war,” or, “Without boobies, there’d be no sex.” You’re taking toys away from fighting toddlers and then expecting them to get along–you’re only solving problems like an even more ineffective Captain Planet and his mighty dick of equality.

Getting rid of all the money in the world will not solve every problem we have, and it will not make your parents respect you, punkin.

All you need is love!

By this logic, you’re physically John Mayer; a grammatically incorrect freeloading dick. All you’re missing is unwashed hair and a flannel shirt, but I suspect it’s hidden just out of the frame of this photo.

Go fuck yourself with a rabid ferret. All you need is to grow the fuck up and stop being a poorly dressed drain on society.

Everyone just wants you to go, OK?

This is called imbecile hide-and-seek. You hide in a Starbucks or Urban Outfitters, and everyone pretends like you don’t exist for the betterment of mankind. Eventually, you fade away into the darkness of fuckery. The circle of life.

Hearing this type of fluffly bullshit makes me want to punt bunnies into space (and I fucking love bunnies). Save it for an ABC Family special, “The Time My Sister Ran Away And Got Knocked Up But Was Also Switched At Birth And Is Sometimes A Cat Who Lies.”

That was the most depressing sentence I have ever written.

Pants are a good call, too.

There’s some fantastic advice for everyday life: wake up.

Can I blow your mind a little here? “If you want your oral health desires to come true, floss them bitches after every meal.”

Ready for more? “If you want to be more than a freeloading dickmunch, wash that crotch. EVEN. YOUR. BUTT.”

Are you inspired to be a functional human being yet? Put your pants on and get a goddamn job.

I'm gonna need a sherpa, at least.

What in the fuck is wrong with you?

The gall of this poster blinds me with hatred. Looking at a photo of a mountain is not going to inspire you to finish that project you’ve been working on, it’s only going to make you feel like a lame-o for not climbing mountains. Those mountains are goddamn huge and cold and really, I just want to finish my scrapbook without feeling like an underachieving asshole.

And I am not going to go up there and get my ass eaten off by a Yeti. You didn’t even think about the Yetis, did you? Selfish bastard.

No means no, Fortune Cookie.

I’ve never seen a better metaphor for being a terrible person. It’s a game of playing, “just the tip,” with life each and every day. You’re not really fucking the world yet, you’re just teasing it with your incompetence. Everyone leaves unsatisfied and disappointed–with a quiet bitterness and a slightly sticky outer coating.

All of these photos try hard to explode inspirational confetti onto the tense office birthday party of life, but they’re so ludicrously appalling and trite that it just induces a strange apathetic rage in everyone who views them.

There is only one poster in the world that can possibly inspire anyone.

NPH: Pre-Smurfs

Just. Be. Awesome.

Simple as that.

What is the dumbest inspirational saying you’ve ever heard?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Metta (The Letter M): “Heh, he’s actually partially responsible for me finding your blog. I found Bloggess from his, and yours from hers. The local newspaper had a writeup about his new book, and they even interviewed the poor schmuck on the other end of the pie chart emails to ask his opinion of David Thorne. Needless to say, the guy had a total cryfest about how his business was ruined and his life was over … which made it even funnier, really.”

 

SnarkMistress August 22, 2011 at 12:15 am

“Have a Happy Period!” Sigh. Whoever came up with that needs to jump off a cliff. A million times.
SnarkMistress recently posted..snarkmistress: I’m going to regret eating these Indian leftovers this late….

Johi August 22, 2011 at 9:34 am

Thank you. I concur.
Johi recently posted..Why Me?

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

I know this is a very terrible and cliche thing to say, but only a man could come up with that slogan.

I cried the other day watching a car commercial thanks to PMS. It will never be happy.

Jaime (it's so fuzzy) August 22, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I used to hate that saying, until last month when I actually DID have a happy period.. It’s nice because normally mine make me want to punch babies I’m in so much pain…. Having a happy period once in awhile is like sunshine and rainbows and kittens all mixed into one…
Jaime (it’s so fuzzy) recently posted..Fog and Barns

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:21 pm

What is that feeling? How do you know? I’m genuinely curious.

Janene December 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

My commentary on the “have a happy period”:

Fuck having a “happy” period. I want a mean, bitchin’ period. I mean, geez, my hormones are going all to wack anyway, so why not the period, too? I want this period to just let out its wild side and express itself. Go for broke, baby. What do you have to lose? Blood? Bring’er on!

Or what happens if we have a ‘sad’ period? Does that mean that our periods cry all the time and demand tissues, on top of the tampons and pads that they consume on a regular basis?

I’m sick and tired of being brainwashed into thinking what corporate media execs want me to think so that I buy their products. Because, let’s face it, adding a cotton wet-nappy to my pad covering isn’t going to make my period any more ‘happy’, especially when I have to shell out more $ to buy the wet-nappy. Why don’t I just buy those diaper ones used to wipe a child’s butt and store it under the sink, along with all of the tampons and pads? If they’re good enough to clean a child’s butt, mine should be just fine, right? Wouldn’t that work just as well, or heck! What a novel idea! I use TOILET PAPER since it’s right in front of me in the bathroom when I’m doing all of this ‘happy’ period stuff.

No woman in their right mind would come up with this dumb slogan. A period is something that is a fact of life for women, and most women, I’m sure, take the same attitude that I have toward it: damnit, it’s here, so let’s just get it done and over with so I don’t have to worry until next month. They don’t want their periods to be “happy”. “Done”, yes. “Happy”, no.

Meg August 22, 2011 at 12:30 am

I’m not really into the inspirational thing so I decided to google this assignment. The most douchetastic quote I found, “Bite off more than you can chew. Then chew it.” WTF? The only time I can imagine that coming in handy is when eating birthday cake.
Meg recently posted..Beautiful Island

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:16 am

Might be a good idea for a hooker with a sense of danger.

Heather Heartless August 22, 2011 at 11:42 am

The only time something like this made me fucktastically happy is when my friend Leslie and I decided it would be a great idea to play Chubby Bunny with Rice Krispie Treats in 11th grade English. Nothing says happiness like drooling Rice Krispy pieces while tears of joy stream down your face… except maybe the gagging.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Those bitches are sticky–you were literally one Snap, Crackle, and/or Pop from death. You live on the edge, Heather.

Leauxra August 22, 2011 at 12:43 am

I think the mountain picture means I should quit my job and go freeze to death in the mountains (if I don’t starve first).

Tempting.

I don’t have a bad inspirational quote/picture. But I do have an awesome one: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=695
Leauxra recently posted..In Memoriam

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:17 am

You were right. That was fucking awesome.

Be careful. There’s bars in them thar hills. (Bears. It was a hillbilly accent.)

Lex August 22, 2011 at 1:14 am

I have to wonder about the people who actually sit in a room and come up with that shit. Do THEY actually believe these contrived messages, or are they sitting in a dark room trying to find solace in McRibs?
Lex recently posted..Thirteen

Jenbug August 22, 2011 at 2:53 am

I know this makes me less awesome than I usually am, but I’m so bitter about McRibs not being available all year long.
Jenbug recently posted..Happy Anniversary Simple Dude! I am a proud Simpleton.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:18 am

Oh McRibs. I become unreasonably excited when Monopoly comes to McDonalds because MCRIB IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER THEN.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:18 am

McRibs and Hydrocodone write this motherfucking blog.

And yes, they believe in the messages, because they have no life. It’s easy to think how awesome life is when your parents pay your way!

Lex August 22, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I’m not entirely convinced of the apparent magic of the McRib, but the fact that hydrocodone helps power this blog makes it EVEN BETTER.

As an aside, my mom will send text picture messages (!!!) that have stupid quotes that are supposed to breed positive thinking and inspiration. (She doesn’t even believe half the shit; when she does, it’s b/c she’s smoked a bowl.)

Then I become inspired to plan some horrible act of revenge.
Lex recently posted..Thirteen

Dear Sweet Mama August 22, 2011 at 2:28 pm

UMMMM McRibs. Preferrably after having smoked a bowl. Not that I have ever combined such a thing. MMMMMMmmmmm.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Wow. Just when I though you’d maxed out your badass quota, you go and throw this shit down.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Your. Mom. Is. Awesome.

Hoody Hoo August 23, 2011 at 6:45 am

ain’t she though?
Hoody Hoo recently posted..War Is Hell

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Jealous.

Bex August 22, 2011 at 1:54 am

R n’ B singer Aaliyah in her song Try Again. ‘Cause if at first you don’t suceed, dust yourself of & try again’. Bitch please, look what happened to you. And secondly, no one deserves to have two A’s at the start of their name. Not even Jjesus.
Bex recently posted..Epic tantrums, new shoes & a shitload of Moro Bars.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:22 am

I have so many awful jokes here.

-Hard to dust yourself off after a waterbound plane crash
-“Come one Aaliyah, try again. Nothing’ll happen to that plane!”
-I’m just saying, that movie is career suicide. Wait.

I’ll go to Hell now.

Jenbug August 22, 2011 at 2:59 am

This one makes me want to throw a throat-punch: “When I count my blessings, I count you twice.”

“Awww, that’s so ni… wait. Are you calling me fat, bitch?! Because I WILL fuck you up.”
Jenbug recently posted..Happy Anniversary Simple Dude! I am a proud Simpleton.

Metta (the letter m) August 22, 2011 at 5:13 am

See that reminds me of a song which always made me think that…

“Once, twice, three times a lady…”
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..I dreamt of aliens…

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:24 am

That’s a much more awesome version of that saying.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:23 am

That might mean more if someone actually thought about it and didn’t buy it from Treasured Memories stitched on a throw rug.

MEMORIES, GODDAMNIT.

Metta (the letter m) August 22, 2011 at 5:12 am

My fucking god, I hate those platitude posters. There’s one I saw when I was googling for ‘asshat’ in images (go on, you’ll see them too). It actually seriously rocks.

Jesus Loves You.
I think you’re an Asshat.

Now that’s an inspirational poster I can get behind.

The real ones though? they just give me a burning pit of acid in my stomach, much like love songs (perhaps crafted by the same marketing department).

I also thoroughly despise the twee ‘anti’ motivational posters that moronic people put in their offices to pretend that they’re hating their jobs (when you know, finding another job would work too):

You don’t have to be crazy to work here … but it helps.

Maybe not crazy, but mind numbingly fucking stupid seems to be a requirement.
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..I dreamt of aliens…

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:26 am

It’s two of my greatest pet peeves combined: Cliche Wit and Stupid Photos.

THE RAGE.

Lots of people hate their jobs. Get the fuck over it, and do it instead of giggling about it.

asplenia August 22, 2011 at 7:00 am

There’s a variant of this in a zillion posters but I hate it even more when people SAY it: “You’ll be fine.” NO, I’m not fucking fine. My life is on fire. Maybe I will be fine some day but right now I’m concentrating on putting out the goddamn flames. Don’t talk to me about being FINE.
asplenia recently posted..what went wrong?

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:27 am

There’s nothing someone who’s going through hell wants to hear less than, “You’ll be fine.” That sure is easy for you to say, twatrocket, you are on the other side of the hill while I’m sitting here crashed against the rocks at the bottom.

Fuck those people.

kim August 22, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I know those people. When they ask me how I’m doing and I say, “Okay,” they reply with a smarmy, “Just okay?” Yeah, fuck ‘em.
kim recently posted..feathers

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Wow, fuck those people, too. That must be the most condescending thing ever uttered. “Are you sure you’re just okay? Cause I know about all your shit, and I’m going to make you dredge it all back up for my catharsis.”

Rebecca Rhielle August 24, 2011 at 3:06 am

I’d like to take this moment to say, my dear Noa, that you were the one solitary person that did NOT tell me I was going to be just fine when I was in the hospital. You know…PARALYZED???

I mean, seriously, WTF? How can someone look at you when you are lying in a hospital bed – unable to feel from the tits down, shitting yourself on a daily basis – and say with a straight face, “Don’t you worry now, honey. You’re going to be just fine!”

I swear to hell and back, all that kept them alive was the fact I had enough morphine in me to fell a workhorse. So thank you, from the bottom of my socks, for not doing that to me.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Who the hell told you that you were going to be fine? You went in walking on your own power, and left in a wheelchair. In my book, that’s not fine at all. You’ve learned to adjust and make it work, but fine isn’t what I’d call it.

You’re welcome. Thanks for being awesome.

Hoody Hoo August 22, 2011 at 7:30 am

Just pick any of those “Corporate Inspiration” pieces of shit — you know, the ones with ONE WORD printed really big and then an asinine homliy underneath, all accompanied by a picture of a sailboat or a skier or something else that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE SHOOT UP THEIR OFFICES, DUMBASSES.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..The F***ing Walmart

Jaclyn August 22, 2011 at 9:30 am

YES. At my last job, my boss would always hang those kinda posters. Except she believed them. She also had a stack of books on how to be a good manager “1001 ways to reward your employees”, shit like that… I wish I could remember the others because GOD they were awful. It was like she had a stack full of sequin covered bear turds. I can’t think of how else to even explain it. Everything about her was sunshine and rainbows and magical elves that made everyone smile. I spent about half the time trying not to punch her.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Hope Rodolfo Doesn’t Get Murdered Today, Because The Police Will Definitely Think I Did It

Kelly August 22, 2011 at 9:42 am

Sounds like she also had a herd of unicorns in her backyard.
Kelly recently posted..My dreams make me question my sanity.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 11:31 am

@Hoody: REACH FOR THE MOON. EVEN IF YOU MISS, YOU’LL LAND AMONG THE STARTS.

@Jaclyn: Sequin covered bear turds? What an awesome way to reward your employees. “We nailed all our sales goals! HERE’S SOME SPARKLY SHIT! LITERALLY.”

@Kelly: That’s where the turds come from.

Dear Sweet Mama August 22, 2011 at 2:30 pm

OOps – I think I may have sent that card to Hoody once. Sorry about my responsibility for your talking cure, sweetie. Hey – that’s inspirational.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I want your life.

Hoody Hoo August 23, 2011 at 6:47 am

actually, the therapy is all sue to the fact that I know I can never hope to equal Dear Sweet Mama’s awesomeness… drugs were cheaper in her day!

Hoody Hoo August 23, 2011 at 6:47 am

that’d be DUE to the fact…
Hoody Hoo recently posted..War Is Hell

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

The first time I read it, I was like, “Well of course you’re going to sue your therapist. If she can’t make you that awesome, fuck ‘er.”

And then I got a little sad.

Jaclyn August 22, 2011 at 3:55 pm

haha… yes the bear turds was actually a metaphor for her sparkle covered bullshit. Cause I’m a literary fucking MASTERMIND… see how clearly I conveyed my vision? The worst were the things she DIDN’T do for her employees. Like respect their lives outside of work. This woman expected everyone to have a fucking smile plastered on their face at all times. She once called in our district manager to lecture me about the negative impact my mood was having on the store. This was 3 weeks after I lost my son. So yeah, apparently giving a fuck about your employees isn’t considered a reward. I much prefer candy and vacation days to actual, genuine concern anyway.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Hope Rodolfo Doesn’t Get Murdered Today, Because The Police Will Definitely Think I Did It

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Oh it’s THAT BITCH. It’s such a weird thing when managers demand you be the happiest fucking person ever all the time. Bitch, life doesn’t work that way, and it sure as hell isn’t going to make me happy to see the 1,000th sticky note list of more shit I gotta do. Back the fuck up.

Ninja Mom August 22, 2011 at 8:32 am

“God only gives you what you can handle.”

Yes! Because he’s a micro-managing deity with nothing better to do than see how you handle a flat tire on the way to your entire family’s funeral (state fair snafu) and you just got the call form your doc that it is, in fact, cancer and, oh, hey, there’s a kitty cat stuck in your wheel well and it’s still alive! Bash it with the tire iron or be even later to the funeral while you coach a vet through his mistaken impression that you want to save/keep this soon to be legless cat?

Remember, God only gives you what you can handle. Just thank your luck you’re not one of his offspring, because apparently God thought He could handle a little crucifixion.
Ninja Mom recently posted..All of my fantasies include school bus drivers.

Bethany August 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

Oh god… This one is the absolute worst for me. Whenever I hear this, I immediately have the urge to stab someone. It’s not even because I’m atheist and find it absolutely ridiculous to think that “the big guy” is up there handing out shitty situations to deal with, it’s because even if I did believe in God, this still wouldn’t be true. People commit suicide all the damn time. They have mental breakdowns and end up in institutions fingerpainting and living off of jello. They fail at life, and not in the “Damn it… I haven’t done laundry for a week!” kind of way, but in the “Well, fuck… That’s the end of that” kind of way.

So really, the saying should be, “God only gives most people as much as they can handle, but occasionally he fucks up and totally overloads people, causing them break the fuck down… Sure hope you’re in the first group!”
Bethany recently posted..This is exactly what my closet looks like.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Truer words have never been spoken. Sometimes, it just fucking blows, but you don’t have a choice except to do it.

Heather Heartless August 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

I’ve always wanted to ask someone “What about people in mental institutions?” God obviously got his “List of People to Fuck With Today” mixed up with the “List of People That Live in Magical Worlds Filled with Rainbows and Magical Leopleurodons, Ch-h-h-h-harrlieee”.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I can’t even address the logical part of this comment because I’m too happy watching Charlie the Unicorn and being delighted that you brought him up.

IT’S A MAGIC PLACE FULL OF CANDYLAND.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:34 pm

@NinjaMom: That just makes God seem like an overbearing ass of a boss when shit goes bad. You don’t have a choice but to get through it, so you do. I’m inclined to believe that not everything that goes wrong in my life is God testing me. Sometimes, bad shit just happens, and you fucking deal.

Andi Davies August 22, 2011 at 9:39 am

There is a quote from Winnie the Pooh that a lot of people (read: annoying middle class artsy types) paint on blocks of wood and display in their houses. It says, “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you.” The first time I saw this, it filled me with rage. So basically, you’re saying you’d rather have me miserable over your death than the other way around? Thanks a lot, you selfish asshole.
Andi Davies recently posted..Testing….

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Oh, lord, I hate that one like I hate reading Nicholas Sparks novels. Can anyone say that to anyone in their families without being punched in the pancreas?

Bryn August 23, 2011 at 9:41 am

I have never heard that quote from Winnie the Pooh, thank god. Who in the hell would display that in their homes?? Or take the time to paint it on a freakin block of wood?
Bryn recently posted..TOTALLY Productive(thats a lie)

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

They cross-stitch that fucking saying onto anything cross-stitchable. It’s ridiculous.

Kelly August 22, 2011 at 9:39 am

My last place of employment had all those posters Hoody was talking about all over (in frames, even!) the walls. Morale building, and all that, I suppose. Interestingly enough, each person in that office was an assbag of the highest degree.

“Seize the day”? With what? A butterfly net? A fishing rod? And “seize” it? What did the day do to you that you need to hold it hostage? How about instead of seizing the day, you work on your anger issues, pal???

“Smile and the world smiles with you”. Uh, no, they’re probably wondering what you’re seeing in your LSD-induced haze or wondering where your keeper is. And smile in Walmart and see if anyone smiles back.

“Dare to dream”. Not only was this my high school class motto (HHRRRRRRRRRRK), I’m pretty sure that dreaming is an act that I don’t do consciously. And since my dreams are borderline psych ward, maybe I shouldn’t dare to dream, fucksticks.
Kelly recently posted..My dreams make me question my sanity.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I honestly thought those were a joke, but you guys are sitting here telling me that people actually think it’s an awesome idea to put those up in real businesses. That’s the saddest shit ever.

Did you ever have to do a sales training project that was “themed?” AT&T had that shit all the time–once I was a mountain climber, once I was a jockey, and all the time it was bullshit. Just tell me to sell.

But once, they let us play plinko and other Price is Right games. That was the best motivator ever.

Kelly August 22, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Motherfucking Plinko! Oh my God… if Bob Barker was still running TPIR… I wouldn’t kiss that so-tan-could-be-a-saddle’s face, I’d grab those chips and be all “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” and then I’d punch him in the ear after he says “Have your pets spayed or neutered” because NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO, BOB! and I probably lost the showcase showdown.

My luck, I’d get out of contestant’s row and have to play the fucking golf game.
Kelly recently posted..Holy Mother of God, It’s Football Season.

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

It’s always fun to see people’s reactions when they make it off contestant’s row and end up with the game they were dreading. It’s a similar look to the Antiques Roadshow “This isn’t worth a mummy’s dick,” reactions.

Johi August 22, 2011 at 9:42 am

Sometimes I hate happy people just because they are happy and positive. Then I feel like a horrible person for being such a pessimistic Grinch. Then I tell myself that the truly happy people must be low on brain cells or medicated, because how can you spend all day every day looking at the bright side of things? Haven’t any of these dipshits heard of sun blindness? Then I get annoyed again. Then I decide that I am going to “wake up tomorrow and be happy”, then in reality I wake up to one kid screaming with a diaper full of (stuff that fills up diapers), thrashing about while I attempt to change him with out covering myself in feces, and the other one is jumping around me demanding that I play with him and the dogs are whining and always under my feet and I think “fuck happy, I’m having coffee”. the end.
I’m a peach.
Johi recently posted..Why Me?

Misty August 22, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I made a resolution one year that I was going to try to be more positive about stuff and not so negative and grumpy. This lasted just as long as it took me to remember that I have 2 young children.
Misty recently posted..Court Craziness

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:45 pm

“Just SHUT UP already about being happy. You make me want to kill myself.”

I feel like I’m smashing kittens when I get so tired of hearing fluffly crap, but I find solace in the fact that at least I’m not the only one smashing kittens.

We’re Rockford Peaches is what we are.

Kelly August 22, 2011 at 9:11 pm

There’s no crying in baseball.
Kelly recently posted..Holy Mother of God, It’s Football Season.

Johi August 22, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Sometimes I read Wayne Dyer just to see all the things that I am doing (and thinking) dreadfully wrong.
*You mean to tell me that this shit is my fault? Fuck you!*
…. and now I feel happy. Monte Python/wine/sleep usually works as well.

Noa August 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Oh Monty Python, you cure all ills.

Cheryl S. August 22, 2011 at 10:20 am

OK. A little background. I suffer from depression. Not, “Oh, my puppy died and I’m sad now” depression. The kind that just doesn’t go away. Chronic depression. It’s a brain chemical problem. (I take antidepressants now, and they literally changed my life.)

Invariably, if I was having a bad day, some perpetually happy dumbfuck would come up to me and say “You just need to change your attitude!”

OK, doc. Thanks for that enlightened advice. Since you’ve probably never suffered anything worse than a hangnail, could you shut the fuck up please? Really. You don’t know me, you don’t know my situation and honestly, do you think I LIKE this? If it was as easy as just changing my attitude, don’t you think I’d do it?

Gee, looks like I might still have a bit of unresolved anger. Ya think?

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Haven’t they proven that severe depression can be caused by a real fucking illness, it’s not just you being sad about the weather?

That’s like telling someone that if they really wanted to live, they’d will the cancer away.

Those people are dicks, and you be angry all you want.

Heather Heartless August 22, 2011 at 12:14 pm

“Let go and let God” – Mother Fucker can’t drive. No, Officer, I’m not driving drunk, I let Jesus take the wheel.

“Just Breathe” – Was there another choice?

“… dance like no one is watching.” – Because I’m totally watching you through the window.
Heather Heartless recently posted..And Then I Threw Up

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:49 pm

You’ll appreciate this more than anyone, I think.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-17-craziest-tweets-yoko-ono/

Bcca August 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

“When Life Hands you Lemons, Make Lemonade.” I FUCKING HATE THIS QUOTE. I want to punch puppies in the stomach, and I love puppies. This quote instantly fills me with Hulk Rage (“you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry…!”). First of all, “Life” does not go around thinking about who the fuck to hand out lemons too…. and when you get screwed over by life, the last thing you want is something bittersweet to go with, oh what’s that… the bittersweet fucking situation life just shoved up your ass… nothing says let’s make it better like an acid burn. That God Damn QUOTE. When life hands you lemons, shove them back up it’s ass. That’s the better version of that.
Bcca recently posted..I’ve Been Slacking Like A Tired Trick

Andi Davies August 22, 2011 at 3:12 pm

My favorite version of this: “When life hands you lemons, go find someone with a paper cut.”
Andi Davies recently posted..Testing….

Bcca August 22, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Amen and Amen!
Bcca recently posted..My Funny Bone is Gone, and Might Never Come Back

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I heard one last night, “When life hands you lemons, kick life in the nuts, get potatoes, and make Vodka.”

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:55 pm

You know what? You never hear people who are in the shit saying all of these absurd inspirational comments. You never hear a widow saying at her husband’s funeral, “Well, life just handed me a lemon. So, I guess now it’s just lemonade.”

Mother of God.

Angie Uncovered August 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm

It’s really not so much ‘inspiration’ but I hear “it’s a win-win situation” a lot. Fuck that! Someone always gets screwed.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..What I Did On My Summer Vacation Part 1

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I think the only win-win situation is gay sex, because I can’t imagine that anyone leaves unsatisfied.

Sorry about that.

Jillian August 22, 2011 at 1:43 pm

“Smile. It freaks people out.”
The economy is tanking, babies in Southeast Asia are being sold into slavery, and belly shirts have been combined with ponchos. But really dude, you need to see a dentist.
Jillian recently posted..A Resume Named Wendy (Because Everyone Names Their Resumes, Duh.)

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Belly Shirts and Ponchos are what the 4 horsemen are wearing when they come rolling through.

That and bumpits.

Jillian August 22, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Add pajama jeans to the list and we can narrow down the potential apocalyptic omens to the As Seen on TV Network.
Jillian recently posted..A Resume Named Wendy (Because Everyone Names Their Resumes, Duh.)

Noa August 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Also–crocs.

Misty August 22, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Oh Noa, you scared me for a minute. I was reading your post going, “yep, yep, abso-fucking-lutely, uh-huh, preach it sista . . .” then I got to the NPH, and somehow I missed the lead in sentence. I was instantly terrified that you were about to slam that NPH statement, and I got all sad and was like, “Oh No, now I have to break up with Noa, because anyone that doesn’t think that everything NPH does is fucking awesome, obviously cannot have a place in my heart.” And then I read it again and realized you were actually approving of his wonderfulness, and now my heart is once again filled with joy. Sorry that I doubted you. You still love me, right? :D
Misty recently posted..Court Craziness

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Doubt only makes us stronger, because we persevered and we RECOVERED. We’re gonna make it, Misty.

Stephanie August 22, 2011 at 3:10 pm

“You snooze, you lose.”

Um, no. Actually, I snooze and I get more sleep. I don’t think I should automatically “lose” just because I like to be well-rested. Some of us need more beauty sleep than others…

Metta (the letter m) August 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

That’s like:

The early bird catches the worm.

Worm? He can keep the damn worm, I’m going back to sleep, wake me when there’s pizza.
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..A thought to end the day on

Stephanie August 22, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Exactly. Although, pizza alone might not be enough to get me out of bed…I’d like some beer to go with that.
Stephanie recently posted..Karma is…a mosquito

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Fuck that worm. You wake your ass up and get it–there’s booze at night.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I thought, “You snooze, you lose,” got cancelled when Full House did.

Vesta Vayne August 22, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Oh, oh my. I just found this through the Bloggess, and let me say I LOVE you. Uh-huh, I can admit it. Now you need to take your lovely sayings like ‘Eventually, you fade away into the darkness of fuckery’ and make your own inspirational posters. Cause who wouldn’t wanna have that on the wall above their desk?
Vesta Vayne recently posted..Respect the What?

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I fucking LOVE YOU BACK.

And to answer your question, no one, that’s who.

KatieBee August 22, 2011 at 5:04 pm

“What does not kill you makes you stronger.”

Um, if something is trying to kill me, I’m gonna fucking shank it. That solves that problem.

And I’ve been through some serious shit and I still can’t do a push up. I’m not stronger, I’m just stabbier.

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I just found out I have a rotator cuff injury from all the bullshit I’ve gotten. IT DID TRY TO KILL ME.

blondie August 22, 2011 at 5:07 pm

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

1. Well, shit.
2. You think so, sweetheart?

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I hated the movie Groundhog Day, and don’t want to live it in my own life.

kim August 22, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Recently, they started putting up posters in the break room at work. “Does your body show you’re listening?” AGHHHHHHH!!!!!
kim recently posted..feathers

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Does my fist say fuck you?

Tazer WP August 22, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Oh my fucking shit. GO fuck yourself with a rabid ferret. Holy balls. I can’t breathe.

I want some of your posters for my workplace. Like “Grow the fuck up, no one cares about your stupid boyfriend”. “Texting is for dumbasses”. “Shut your fucking phone and talk to the person in front of you”

I’m not bitter. I’m not. Well maybe.
Tazer WP recently posted..Caffeine and Other Monday Funsies

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm

That’s not bitterment. That’s reality. Put the phone down and make me some copies.

@OutofGoldStars August 22, 2011 at 7:15 pm

oh dear god this post is fucking amazing. my boss has decided that our school should have a theme. so now all we here is theme this and theme that. well, they can take their theme and motivational posters, shirts, scarfs, notepads, and shove it where the sun don’t shine. how exactly is it that we can afford a whole inspirational marketing campaign but we can’t afford classroom supplies? douche canoes.

Fresh Out of Gold Stars
@OutofGoldStars recently posted..why women shouldn’t drive

Noa August 22, 2011 at 9:05 pm

No, YOU are fucking amazing.

I loved that so much about AT&T. There was no money, so they cut my commission, but there was LOTS of money for themed sales encouragement campaigns! I don’t want to pretend to be a mountain climber, I just want my commission.

You teachers are badasses.

Rachael August 22, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Okay I think I win because it seems no one else in the comments has read The Secret. I know because if they did, they’d have mentioned it.

There. That’s the dumbest inspirational thing I’ve ever encountered. I read The Secret once.
Rachael recently posted..Everything I Need To Know

Noa August 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Was it on a dare? Jesus, Rachael.

Rachael August 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

I’m pretty sure my mom made me. Actually, now that I think harder about it, she made me, and I read the first chapter and threw it back at her and said “what the fuck is this bullshit, STOP.” Because I was having none of that. But still, that chapter? I can’t believe I survived.
Rachael recently posted..Everything I Need To Know

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm

My sister once bought me, “A Purpose Driven Life.”

The irony of that book being given to me is hilarious.

Rebecca August 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm

“Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is”
So basically it means, you lost but don’t worry you still get a participation trophy.

“Live each day as if you life has just begun”
So I should live like a newborn. Sleep, Eat, Poop, Sleep, Eat, Poop, Sleep, Eat, Poop, you get the idea…

Noa August 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

As if your life has just begun? That’s ridiculous. If my life had just begun, then I have so much time to do whatever I want, so I’ll keep procrastinating all I fucking want.

Bryn August 23, 2011 at 11:12 am

When I’m not walking around with a creepy ass grin plastered to my face:
“Aww, it can’t be that bad.”- How the fuck would you know??
I am 4 months pregnant, and so people are saying all kinds of shit that they somehow think is sweet or helpful:
“You are going to LOVE being a parent!”- Really? If I don’t are you going to take my child so I won’t murder it?
“Don’t you just love being pregnant.”- No, no I don’t. I can’t fit into any of my clothes and I can’t drink. Your retarded.
My brother said something about his life that I thought should be on a poster:
“Sometimes I don’t suck.”- There you go, realistic and positive, nail it to a wall.
Bryn recently posted..TOTALLY Productive(thats a lie)

Noa August 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I’m still convinced that the people who say, “Parenting is the best decision I’ve ever made,” are saying that to convince themselves of that fact, and no one else. It’s a weird statement.

Also, your brother may be a genius.

Jessica August 23, 2011 at 8:18 pm

You’re right Noa, you discouraged my dick right off. I’m not 100% sure I had one before but I can say with utmost certainty I don’t have one now. While I do agree wholeheartedly with this post as I would love to set the “Hang in there” kitten on fire, I can’t seem to get excited about it because my dick is gone. Oh Noa, where is my penis?

Recently someone told me to take it “one day at a time” and I was like-fucking really? My two year old is pissed at the entire world, my husband is across the world and I’m pregnant, you think I don’t notice every day slowly passing. I have a fucking mental countdown of the days. On that note is there an option to do more than one day at a time? If you know how to do a week at a time and haven’t told me shit is going down lady, be prepared to be stabbed.
Jessica recently posted..Phoning it in…

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I’ve always hated that saying, too. Why would anyone want to take life a month at a time?

Also, sorry about the hubs and your dick.

Jessica August 24, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Military life, I gotta just ‘hang in there’. But on the bright side I think you solved my missing dick scenario…it must be connected to the hubs, therefore not missing just with him, it’s still mine though.

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Misplaced dicks are better than totaled dicks.

Delina August 23, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Dearest Noa,

You suddenly came into my life sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 pm tonight, and I have to say thank you to the universe. I have been reading your posts and the League of Funny Bitches posts all night. I even forgot I needed to eat until about 9:30 I was so engrossed in your awesomeness. You and the League are my new diet. Keep it up I need to look hot in my bikini by November.

Yours Truely,

Delina

P.S. We need to come up with a way I can read you blog and exercise at the same time, since you also distracted me from the fact I probably shouldn’t sit on my lazy ass in bed with my laptop for over 4 hours if I want to resemble anything besides a giant blob.

P.P.S Yes I know this has nothing to do with the post I am commenting on. Sorry about that. I never can tell when its appropriate to write platonic love letters to random strangers.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Dearest Delina,

It’s always appropriate to write love letters to strangers, because they make me very very happy. I hope you keep reading and enjoying The League. Thar be funny bitches everywhere.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

THERE’S NO “I” IN TEAM.

No, but there certainly is an “I” in the “Fuck you” I say to the person who invented this. Wait, fuck, there’s no “I” in “fuck you,” either.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: Sir, your hand is on my ass.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

You know, they always say that kind of shit, but let’s be real–when you’re doing group work, only one person does anything at all, but everyone gets the credit. The people who say, “there’s no I in Team,” are the people who don’t do anything. Fuckers.

Sarcasm Goddess August 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Nothing makes me want to stab someone in the face more than when they say “smile! today’s the first day of the rest of your life!”

That’s funny, cuz today’s the last day of yours. Asshole.
Sarcasm Goddess recently posted..The One With All the Bacon

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Your name is so wonderfully fitting for your comments.

Satan August 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

oh, Noa!
i bow down before your insult mastery.
i do. i’m bowing to my computer, right now.

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I don’t know how to react to that. Lick my boot?

Paula @ thewilyweez August 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

hahahaha! I need one of these posters with your writing on it!
Paula @ thewilyweez recently posted..A Love Letter To An Island: Ocracoke I Love Your Sweet Ass

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Feel free to print and be filled with disdain.

A Morning Grouch August 25, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Love your blog!

And waking up isn’t as easy as that damn poster makes it seem. I mean really do they have no knowledge of insomnia, restless legs, sleep apnea? Clearly created by a bunch of asshole early-risers, most likely in bed by 8.30pm. I hate them.
A Morning Grouch recently posted..A special fart. One I view lovingly.

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I love your comments!

Yeah, these assholes with their waking up advice–homegirl, I spent 4 hours just trying to get to sleep. The last thing I wanna do is wake the fuck up.

Lindsey August 26, 2011 at 3:51 pm

“When you are just a little bit pregnant” Look. If the test is positive you are very pregnant and the reality is expanding hips, stretch marks, and discomfort from now until the end of time. You can’t be just a little bit pregnant.
Lindsey recently posted..Mourning the Promise

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Plan B would like to respectfully disagree with that statement, I assume.

Dani August 27, 2011 at 3:32 pm

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
~Helen Keller

Ummm… DUDE. You’re BLIND. Just sayin’.
Dani recently posted..facebooking from the edge…: I’m not the only drama queen in the house, yo

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm

I just spit out my drink reading that. I’m such a sucker for Helen Keller jokes.

Melanie September 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm

“Life each day like it was your last.”

Are you fucking kidding me? If it was my last day, I’d empty my bank account, fly to Vegas, buy out a liquor store and the local drug dealer, hire a couple of hookers, and bliss the fuck out. While that kind of daily lifestyle seems to work for 80’s-era Aerosmith, I don’t think I’ll be booking my flight to Sin City anytime soon. So shut the fuck up and get out of my way, I have a class to get to. Fucker.

Noa January 4, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I agree. I’m the same way with the “live like the world is ending.” If I knew what day it were ending, I would be the fattest, drunkest ho in the world.

Candice November 24, 2011 at 1:33 am

I don’t know if this counts, but the saying, it is what it is…that makes me want to punch puppies in the nose.. I just want to be like, really? How about if you don’t like what it is, you do what you can to change it? How about you get off your lazy ass and do something to change whatever the hell it is that makes you feel as though you have to lay down and accept it?

I just have to say that I found you through the Bloggess and you are one of the funniest people I know (if I can know you through a blog)…and I know some pretty fucking funny people!

Noa January 4, 2012 at 8:00 pm

That one came from the ‘great’ Dane Cook who wanted to ‘punch infants in the face.’ Anyone who still uses Dane Cook phrases need to be pancreatically slapped.

I’m thrilled as beans you found me. I hope you stick around!

Don July 15, 2013 at 10:14 pm

“When you find yourself going through Hell. . . Keep going’. .

uh. . what are your practical options here. . stop?. .sit down?. . drop in on your deceased friends because after all they’re all probably there. . in one place?.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: