Everything that I despise in the world can be summed up with this goddamn poster.
If this kitten convinces you to keep your grip on life, then the most dangerous thing that has ever been through your system is Nesquik.
If this kitten embodies all your worries and fears and shows you the way, then the dumbest choice you ever made was taffeta.
If this kitten speaks to your innermost soul, then my crotch holds the key to world peace.
These absurdly inspirational posters hung on the walls of my generation’s elementary schools, training an entire subset of humanity that the most effective way to speak out against the world around you is not to do something about your unhappiness, but to write brainless sayings on shittastic pictures.
And then these kids grew up, turned into the largest douches that God has ever known, and bestowed upon the world…this bullshit. My comments are in red.
This is like saying, “Without bullets, we’d have no war,” or, “Without boobies, there’d be no sex.” You’re taking toys away from fighting toddlers and then expecting them to get along–you’re only solving problems like an even more ineffective Captain Planet and his mighty dick of equality.
Getting rid of all the money in the world will not solve every problem we have, and it will not make your parents respect you, punkin.
By this logic, you’re physically John Mayer; a grammatically incorrect freeloading dick. All you’re missing is unwashed hair and a flannel shirt, but I suspect it’s hidden just out of the frame of this photo.
Go fuck yourself with a rabid ferret. All you need is to grow the fuck up and stop being a poorly dressed drain on society.
This is called imbecile hide-and-seek. You hide in a Starbucks or Urban Outfitters, and everyone pretends like you don’t exist for the betterment of mankind. Eventually, you fade away into the darkness of fuckery. The circle of life.
Hearing this type of fluffly bullshit makes me want to punt bunnies into space (and I fucking love bunnies). Save it for an ABC Family special, “The Time My Sister Ran Away And Got Knocked Up But Was Also Switched At Birth And Is Sometimes A Cat Who Lies.”
That was the most depressing sentence I have ever written.
There’s some fantastic advice for everyday life: wake up.
Can I blow your mind a little here? “If you want your oral health desires to come true, floss them bitches after every meal.”
Ready for more? “If you want to be more than a freeloading dickmunch, wash that crotch. EVEN. YOUR. BUTT.”
Are you inspired to be a functional human being yet? Put your pants on and get a goddamn job.
What in the fuck is wrong with you?
The gall of this poster blinds me with hatred. Looking at a photo of a mountain is not going to inspire you to finish that project you’ve been working on, it’s only going to make you feel like a lame-o for not climbing mountains. Those mountains are goddamn huge and cold and really, I just want to finish my scrapbook without feeling like an underachieving asshole.
And I am not going to go up there and get my ass eaten off by a Yeti. You didn’t even think about the Yetis, did you? Selfish bastard.
I’ve never seen a better metaphor for being a terrible person. It’s a game of playing, “just the tip,” with life each and every day. You’re not really fucking the world yet, you’re just teasing it with your incompetence. Everyone leaves unsatisfied and disappointed–with a quiet bitterness and a slightly sticky outer coating.
All of these photos try hard to explode inspirational confetti onto the tense office birthday party of life, but they’re so ludicrously appalling and trite that it just induces a strange apathetic rage in everyone who views them.
There is only one poster in the world that can possibly inspire anyone.
Just. Be. Awesome.
Simple as that.
What is the dumbest inspirational saying you’ve ever heard?
–Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Metta (The Letter M): “Heh, he’s actually partially responsible for me finding your blog. I found Bloggess from his, and yours from hers. The local newspaper had a writeup about his new book, and they even interviewed the poor schmuck on the other end of the pie chart emails to ask his opinion of David Thorne. Needless to say, the guy had a total cryfest about how his business was ruined and his life was over … which made it even funnier, really.”