The United States are just fucking flat out lying to get you to come inside of them these days–state slogans have now become that girl who pokes holes in condoms. And that’s just fucking terrible.
It’s absurd that they let New Mexico call themselves, “The Land of Enchantment.” Are you fucking kidding me, New Mexico? You have meth labs and an intense and uncomfortable sadness; that’s pretty much it. Calling yourself Enchanting is like calling a tore-up whore’s poonsocket Majestic–you’ve gotten your words confused again.
Antonyms, goddamn you.
Too many states are weirdly passive aggressive in their slogan attempts:
Real Slogan: “As big as you think.” I’m not even joking. Go look it up. Kansas’ slogan is a goddamn boner joke.
Real Slogan: “Open for business.” No really. Please come here. (For real this time, okay?)
Real Slogan: “Seize the day off.” You lazy twatwaffle. Just how lazy is your whole state that your motto is, “Fuck that working bullshit. THAT’S FOR THE BIRDS AND ALSO DELAWARE.”
Real Slogan: “The South’s Warmest Welcome,” watch out for the Klan, though. You need to know what you’re up against before you come in our state. The more you know, okay?
Real Slogan: “Is this heaven?” Oh, nope—wrong turn, I ended up in amazeballs IOWA instead.
Real Slogan: “This is still the right place.” It couldn’t be more passive aggressive than telling people that your state is still the chosen land. WE GET IT, UTAH, YOU HAVE MORMONS.
Why not just say “We have Jesus but no Cokes,” or, “There’s a shortage of high chairs.” Maybe, “Bring some diapers. Onesies, as far as the eye can see.” Better yet, “Snow, salt, and celibacy,” or “Marry’em young.”
NO. “Hide yo wives. They be prosecutin’ ERRRRRbody up in here.”
Real Slogan: “The way life should be.” You meant mostly white, didn’t you? Maine, you racist bastard.
Real slogan: “Where education pays.” Let’s follow that up with, “until about 8th grade.” Be real Kentucky–when you say HELL NO to Evolution, you’re just slapping your dick in people’s faces with that slogan.
And my personal favorite:
Real Slogan: “Right here, right now,”—on top of Kentucky. Illinois is trying to get in your panties, y’all. NO MEANS NO.
States are snake oiling tourists into traveling to them, only to leave them sad, shameful, and a little sticky upon leaving; much like that strip club that you went to in Tijuana on Tuesday at 2 PM and the one stripper squirted breast milk on you by accident.
It’s time for the States to be real about who they are. OWN YOUR SHIT, STATES.
Tennessee: Don’t Bring Shoes.
Arizona: We got old holes.
Nevada: Do what you gotta do–no one’s looking.
Arkansas: Watch your ass—we mean it.
Florida: Bring out your dead!
South Dakota: Bring a chisel–we could use the help.
North Dakota: Fuck South Dakota; Bitches ain’t shit. We’re America’s stepchild.
Colorado: Like California, but with more pretentiousness and less overt sexual confusion.
Louisiana: Libernnar wahoowanamana yapperstomartenar Shrimp Boats.
Alaska: WHOOPS! How could we have known about her?
Delaware: Pennsylvania’s Dingleberry.
Georgia: Hey Y’all! Want some butter?
New Jersey: You’re gonna need penicillin.
Idaho: We have a constant erection for Montana.
Texas: FUCK ALL Y’ALL. Brought to you by The Tea Party.
Oklahoma: Come mouth fuck catfish–for fun and profit!
Wyoming: Sheepfucker’s paradise.
What should your state’s (or country’s) motto be?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Andi: “My week in review: I left my heart in San Francisco
Came home to a full DVR
I need to change the cat box
And the oil in the car. What will I do on this day
I haven’t had a break since Wed.
How about shopping at Tar-jay?
Then I think I’ll go back to bed. The kids can make their own fun
They’ve had plenty of practice
As long as they don’t touch the guns
Or climb around in the attic. I’ve never been to New Mexico
Nor drank a gallon of tequila
But I think I’m less likely to write poetry
Than sleep with a tranny named Sheila.”