Disappointment and Shame Are The Words You’re Looking For

08/03/2011 · 185 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

The United States are just fucking flat out lying to get you to come inside of them these days–state slogans have now become that girl who pokes holes in condoms. And that’s just fucking terrible.

It’s absurd that they let New Mexico call themselves, “The Land of Enchantment.” Are you fucking kidding me, New Mexico? You have meth labs and an intense and uncomfortable sadness; that’s pretty much it. Calling yourself Enchanting is like calling a tore-up whore’s poonsocket Majestic–you’ve gotten your words confused again.

Antonyms, goddamn you.

Too many states are weirdly passive aggressive in their slogan attempts:

Kansas
Real Slogan: “As big as you think.” I’m not even joking. Go look it up. Kansas’ slogan is a goddamn boner joke.  

West Virginia
Real Slogan: “Open for business.” No really. Please come here. (For real this time, okay?) 

Maryland
Real Slogan: “Seize the day off.” You lazy twatwaffle. Just how lazy is your whole state that your motto is, “Fuck that working bullshit. THAT’S FOR THE BIRDS AND ALSO DELAWARE.”

Mississippi
Real Slogan: “The South’s Warmest Welcome,” watch out for the Klan, though. You need to know what you’re up against before you come in our state. The more you know, okay? 

Iowa
Real Slogan: “Is this heaven?” Oh, nope—wrong turn, I ended up in amazeballs IOWA instead. 

Utah
Real Slogan: “This is still the right place.” It couldn’t be more passive aggressive than telling people that your state is still the chosen land. WE GET IT, UTAH, YOU HAVE MORMONS.

Why not just say “We have Jesus but no Cokes,” or, “There’s a shortage of high chairs.” Maybe, “Bring some diapers. Onesies, as far as the eye can see.” Better yet,  “Snow, salt, and celibacy,” or “Marry’em young.”

NO. “Hide yo wives. They be prosecutin’ ERRRRRbody up in here.” 

Maine
Real Slogan: “The way life should be.” You meant mostly white, didn’t you? Maine, you racist bastard. 

Kentucky
Real slogan: “Where education pays.” Let’s follow that up with, “until about 8th grade.” Be real Kentucky–when you say HELL NO to Evolution, you’re just slapping your dick in people’s faces with that slogan.

And my personal favorite:

Illinois
Real Slogan: “Right here, right now,”—on top of Kentucky. Illinois is trying to get in your panties, y’all. NO MEANS NO. 

States are snake oiling tourists into traveling to them, only to leave them sad, shameful, and a little sticky upon leaving; much like that strip club that you went to in Tijuana on Tuesday at 2 PM and the one stripper squirted breast milk on you by accident.

It’s time for the States to be real about who they are. OWN YOUR SHIT, STATES.

Tennessee: Don’t Bring Shoes.

Arizona: We got old holes.

Nevada: Do what you gotta do–no one’s looking.

Arkansas: Watch your ass—we mean it.

Florida: Bring out your dead!

South Dakota: Bring a chisel–we could use the help.

North Dakota: Fuck South Dakota; Bitches ain’t shit. We’re America’s stepchild.

Colorado: Like California, but with more pretentiousness and less overt sexual confusion.

Louisiana: Libernnar wahoowanamana yapperstomartenar Shrimp Boats.

Alaska: WHOOPS! How could we have known about her?

Delaware: Pennsylvania’s Dingleberry.

Georgia: Hey Y’all! Want some butter?

Welcome to Georgia, Y'all!

New Jersey: You’re gonna need penicillin.

Idaho: We have a constant erection for Montana.

Texas: FUCK ALL Y’ALL. Brought to you by The Tea Party.

Oklahoma: Come mouth fuck catfish–for fun and profit!

Wyoming: Sheepfucker’s paradise.

What should your state’s (or country’s) motto be?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Andi: “My week in review:
I left my heart in San Francisco
Came home to a full DVR
I need to change the cat box
And the oil in the car.
 
What will I do on this day
I haven’t had a break since Wed.
How about shopping at Tar-jay?
Then I think I’ll go back to bed.
 
The kids can make their own fun
They’ve had plenty of practice
As long as they don’t touch the guns
Or climb around in the attic.
 
I’ve never been to New Mexico
Nor drank a gallon of tequila
But I think I’m less likely to write poetry
Than sleep with a tranny named Sheila.”

 

Justin August 3, 2011 at 3:19 am

Ohio’s state motto: “With God All Things Are Possible” – let’s get straight down to brass tacks, Ohio…WE LOVE GOD! The only thing Ohio is good for is Cedar Point and shitty sports teams. And boredom…lots and lots of mind-numbing boredom.

What it should be: “Ohio: excruciatingly boring. Bring tissues and entertainment.”

Dear Sweet Mama August 3, 2011 at 8:50 am

And a porto-pottie, since they have closed all their rest stops for some reason.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I like that you insinuated that all there is to do in Ohio is beat off. That fills my heart with joy.

Justin August 4, 2011 at 2:53 am

Hey, watching corn grow is damn hard work. Gotta do something to pass the time…
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Thank you for that.

Bill G. January 10, 2012 at 11:53 pm

When I was active duty military, I noticed right away that Ohio people generally take themselves and their state way too fucking seriously. Being from Wyoming, I’m used to sheep-fucker jokes and it’s all good, no problem. Any time that I’ve ever cracked in-breeding jokes to anybody from Ohio, they freak out and it nearly comes to blows quickly. Ohio people need to lighten the fuck up, you and your state are not as superior as you think and your lack of ability to laugh at anything really comes off shitty. And yes, Cleveland is a fucking dump, get over it. There’s a reason why the TV show Cops did a lot of episodes there.

Kerri August 4, 2011 at 6:37 am

Don’t forget potholes and never-ending construction to fix said potholes. We have two seasons in Ohio, winter and road construction.

Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm

In Dallas we have 2 seasons. Hell and Antarctica. It’s tons of fun.

Bill G. January 10, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I’ve never understood why Ohio people and Michigan people hate each other so much.

Meg August 3, 2011 at 3:35 am

Illinois motto should be: “Our ex-govenors also make our license plates”…not sure that’s original to me, but oh so true…

I currently live in Guam. The current motto is: “Where America’s Day Begins”. A typical greeting in Guam is, “Hafa Adai”. The local joke is because it takes Half a Day to get anything done. Ah, island life. :/
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karmawins August 3, 2011 at 6:12 am

Our ex-governor is busy chasing ambulances, no kidding. Every fifteen minutes or so he’s on the air inviting everyone to call Morgan & Morgan. Which only reinforces our unofficial motto of Flor-i-DUH!

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I’m pretty sure that Rick Perry, what with his pretty much embezzlement of a shitload of Texas funds to pay for his house and magazines and shit, is not far from being both of those things.

Non-Crisped Texan November 9, 2011 at 7:57 am

GW profited heavily on insider real estate trading that involved eminent domain. I don’t see him in prison. LBJ got elected initially because Brown Construction (later Brown and Root, and a division of HALLIBURTON) had made some mistakes constructing Mansfield dam, one of which involved building part of it on private land that hadn’t been eminent domained and said “we’ll get you in office if you fix this for us” and they scratched each other’s back ever after on construction and military contracting projects.

Texas has had plenty of corrupt governors and politicians in general but they haven’t been so stupid as to go to fucking prison for anything. This of course also may or may not involve the assassination of a sitting president because LBJ always wanted to be president. We have criminals and perhaps occasionally vote from the rooftops, but our governors don’t go to prison.

Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

The only reason the F-111 jet was built was because the company and plant were in LBJ’s backyard (Ft. Worth, TX). There were much better designs out, but that nightmare was built anyway, then billions more had to be sunk into it to upgrade it to a passable aircraft. Yeah, this kind of shit goes way back.

-Vince August 3, 2011 at 6:18 am

Florida: “America’s Wang”

Maryland: “Want Crabs?”

Baltimore, MD: Actual Slogan, painted on our benches… usually over a passed out crackhead: “The Greatest City in America”

Baltimore, MD: Front of the welcome sign: “NOT Just Like ‘The Wire'”
Baltimore, MD: Back of the welcome sign: “Psych! …thanks for your stuff”

Dear Sweet Mama August 3, 2011 at 8:52 am

I miss living in Baltimore. It was pretty honest about itself – everybody knew it wasn’t REALLY the greatest ciry, but “We have crackheads” didn’t look good. Neither did “Highest syphillis rate in the Country.”

-Vince August 3, 2011 at 10:28 am

I love living in Charm City. Actually… I’m almost proud of it. I’m a transplant from more rural Maryland.

Misty August 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

It’s not a great slogan, nor is it the truth. However, I personally love the ironic juxtaposition of “the Greatest City in the World” hovering above the passed out under a newspaper drunken bum. It gives us class.

I actually preferred the previous “the city that reads,” because at least you could call that a HALF truth. Ok, fine, maybe just a quarter. An eighth? Fuck it, I’m sure someone owns a book and has read it at some point, right? Even if it IS “How to Make a Crack Pipe Out of Garbage In 10 Easy Steps.” We be readin, yo!
Misty recently posted..Drunken Shenanigans – Part Deux

-Vince August 4, 2011 at 7:39 am

That should be “We’s readin’, Hon!”

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:17 pm

@Vince: I think you have a future career in slogan writing. Your gritty realism is startling and refreshing.

@DSM: Were YOU the inspiration for The Wire?

@Misty: We Be Readin’, Yo is what I hope MTV calls their next book show.

-Vince August 5, 2011 at 9:17 am

Thanks.

@OutofGoldStars August 3, 2011 at 6:29 am

Home of the best schools in America.

I have not had my morning diet coke yet. Thank you for this fantastic look at our slutty states. Now I have something to think about during my 5 hour staff meeting today. I will be back with more!

Fresh Out of Gold Stars
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I honestly cannot wait to see them.

Metta (the letter m) August 3, 2011 at 6:35 am

The state I live in (in Australia) is apparently ‘The Garden State’. However the license plate tags change every few years, and they save the dumbest phrases to put on them. ‘Victoria – The place to be’. Be what? It should be ‘Victoria – The place you’re stuck’

It’s also been ‘Victoria – On the move’. That one was true. At the time, people were actually leave the state in droves to move up north (Queensland, it’s like our Florida, complete with cyclones and major flooding).
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:20 pm

We have a Garden State, too. It’s New Jersey. Also a place where you just get stuck, and usually end up quite sticky. It’s nice to see that The Garden State has a good reputation anywhere.

Emily August 3, 2011 at 8:05 am

New Jersey: You’ll get used to the smell. Mostly.

Johi August 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm

My friend from Jersey recently compared the heat, humidity and the smell to “breathing into a sweaty jockstrap.” Where do I sign up?
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:23 pm

@Emily: The only place I’ve ever been that smelled inexplicably weirder than New Jersey was London. It was the strangest shit ever.

@Johi: I spit out my drink at that comment. Thank you.

Jaclyn August 3, 2011 at 8:15 am

New Jersey- “looks like a (fist) pump, smells like a sneaker”

Also, I think Delaware’s should be “Are you spending more than $1000 on that TV? Because there isn’t any sales tax here so it might be worth the trip”

My mom is ALL OVER no sales tax in Delaware. It’s only a 40 minute drive for her so she Christmas shops like a mofo across that border.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm

New Jersey has become our whipping post today, and I think they really deserve that shit.

Also, FUCK DELAWARE BEING SO FAR AWAY FROM ME.

Jaclyn August 3, 2011 at 8:18 am

How about Florida- Get off our lawns, whippersnappers!
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Only if you follow it up with a giant ol’ hip break.

Dizzy August 3, 2011 at 8:44 am

West Virginia actually changed its slogan back to the long-held “Almost Heaven”, after residents protested that “Open for Business” made us sound cheap & easy.

No comment about whether or not the average WV resident is actually cheap & easy… I only speak for myself here, and frankly, if you buy me a couple of drinks and you have all of your teeth and no mountain accent, I’d probably be open for business – if by business you mean a one night stand with a hot college student.

It’s not crude if I only type it, right?
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Right. I’ll never tell anyone that you’d willingly fuck someone with Meth Mouth because you’re from WV.

Never.

hoodyhoo August 9, 2011 at 6:14 am

hey, my cousins need dates just like everybody else! And I miss “Open for Business” — especially when the next sign you saw usually said “Foreclosure Sale,”
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Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Is your whole state as funny as you are?

Amy August 3, 2011 at 8:52 am

I am in WI slogan is, Live like you mean it.
It should be Stay for the drinking binges.

Andi August 3, 2011 at 10:23 am

Ok, how do you live like you don’t mean it? Are they insinuating that everybody in the other states is living half-assed? Is the suicide rate there really low? What?
Andi recently posted..Pr-cks and Pragmatism

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:41 pm

In WI, I have to assume they encourage people to Live Hard because they’ll die young due to the absurd amount of cheese that’s ingested.

Steve D September 16, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Also from Wisconsin. The motto on our state quarter is “Forward.” Yeah, with a chimpanzee for a governor and NIMBY’s who oppose everything. Forward to the Stone Age.

Better slogans:
Thank God we’re not Illinois
Summer will be on a weekend this year
We think Brett Favre has retired. Maybe
Come sniff our Dairy Air (especially poignant, or pungent, when you pass a big farm)

Dear Sweet Mama August 3, 2011 at 8:54 am

As I move back to NJ, I personally like “How you Doin’?” which almost dropped me to the floor laughing the first time I heard it.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Which only makes me wonder what it says on the Exit Sign.

Heather Heartless August 3, 2011 at 9:19 am

North Carolina doesn’t have a pretentious slogan. We were first in flight… after the people that invented flight moved here from Ohio. It was an understandable life change. I’ve been there. They have tornadoes and shit.

North Carolina: First in Lung Cancer… and Pork. (Came from a Youtube video.)

Missouri: The Show Me State. Because we’ll show you everything from the interstate but give you no Goddamned way to get to it.

Illinois: We Drive Like Mother Fuckers in the Snow. I’m supposed to be in the ditch, right?
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:58 pm

You know Ohio totally claims that shit too, right? I JUST STARTED A GANG WAR BETWEEN NORTH CAROLINA AND OHIO.

Heather Heartless August 4, 2011 at 8:00 am

Them with their “BIRTHPLACE of Flight” and their constant mass migrations to Myrtle Beach. There are other beaches, but I’m pretty glad that everyone picks the really shitty one and leaves the rest for me… except for that small shark problem we have up here.

Can we sing and dance our way to victory in this gang war?
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Yes. Yes you can. Please send me your musical score. I will play it on the trombone.

-Vince August 3, 2011 at 9:21 am

New Jersey: “You have to pay to get OUT”

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Jersey: Come with high expectations, leave with a prescription.

Kelly August 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Or a bumpit. Or a mystic tan. Or a really bad toupee and squint that makes you look like The Donald.
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:28 pm

AUGH THE DONALD. Fuck that guy.

Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm

My wife likes to watch Hell’s Kitchen with Chef Ramsey. I half-watch it while doing stuff on my laptop computer (no, I’m not looking at porn). For the season where the grand prize was running a restaurant in Atlantic City, I noticed that they would only show the city at night. It was always helicopter shots of flying past buildings, and ALWAYS at night. My wife didn’t catch that, but I told her, “AC is such a fucking dump that flying past lit-up buildings at night is the only way that it’s even remotely presentable.”

Tans August 3, 2011 at 9:22 am

Michigan: Don’t fuck with us or we’ll make you spend time in Detroit.
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Tans August 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Also:

Michigan: “Pure Michigan? Pure bullshit, we can’t keep our own people here, but we’d love for you to visit!! Please??”

Michigan: “The mitten covers the middle finger we’re flipping to Ohio”
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Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

When I did my stint in the Navy, I noticed that there were a lot of people from the midwest. Sorry to say, the job market wasn’t good, so guys had a choice between the military and penitentiary.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 9:59 pm

I love that TIM ALLEN is now your spokesperson. It’s like if we made Ross Perot speak for Texas. No one cares.

Andi August 3, 2011 at 10:20 am

I live in California, where the motto is “Eureka — I have found it.” Nobody knows what “it” is or why it was lost in the first place, and nobody has managed to misplace the town of Eureka either no matter how hard they try. The motto really should be, “We were here first, now buy a souvenir and get out.”
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Amy August 3, 2011 at 11:22 am

I thinking it is a secret pot slogan!

Amy August 3, 2011 at 11:24 am

Geeze, my fingers are faster than thoughts today. I am thinking it is a secret pot slogan. They probally were stoned when they came up with it, one has to be baked to really understand it.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Eureka, I have found the Schwarzenegger love child! Lame?

Havilah August 3, 2011 at 10:51 am

The motto of my state is: The People Rule. I like it pretty well, though I would like it more if it were true….

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Do you live in North Korea?

Havilah August 3, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Not anywhere close. I live in Arkansas, the “Natural State”. I actually hadn’t known before that our motto is Regnat Populus (The People Rule). Thanks to you Noa I learned something today.

Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:48 pm

You’re fucking welcome.

Havilah August 4, 2011 at 6:34 pm

My classes are over for the summer. You are one of my few sources of learning for the next 3 weeks! (Because I’m sure that watching RayWilliamJohnson and reading awesome blogs will be of some value to me, right?)

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

In helping develop a keen sense of comic timing–yes.

Havilah August 9, 2011 at 1:13 am

I could really use that… it would help me when I’m retelling the stories written by you & others. If I get it just a bit wrong it’s not as funny… and people won’t recognize the brilliance. :(

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Re-telling someone else’s story is really tough. I’ve only ever seen Grace do that successfully, and usually just because she has a really infectious laugh.

Havilah August 11, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Well, don’t I feel tons better. Too bad my laugh tends to sound more like I “have” an infection….

Marion in Savannah August 3, 2011 at 11:20 am

Aw, geez… You just HAD to bring up Paula “She’s A Blight On The Landscape” Deen, didn’t you? Her accent is as phony as a $3 bill and her food sucks in the high 90s.

Our REAL state motto should be “At Least We’re Not South Carolina.”

And we do sincerely apologize for Paula…

Heather Heartless August 3, 2011 at 11:43 am

North Carolinians feel the same way about South Carolina. Sure you started some wars and shit. Get over it. I often refer to them as our dingleberry.

I also hate how everyone else in the free world looks at my license and says “Oh, you’re from Carolina.”

There are two us. It’s not just one big state. That’s why we preface Carolina with North. Do you ask people if they’re from Dakota?

I can’t figure out why we were always called North Carolina when it started out as one big ass state. Or why there’s a Virginia and a West Virgina, but not an East Virginia. So many questions.

Y’all come back now, ya here?
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Heather Heartless August 3, 2011 at 11:44 am

Fuck. Fucking fuckity fuck.

HEAR. H.E.A.R. HEAR.

Not here.

I blame this on my Facebook newsfeed… and Paula Deen.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Tasteless Merchandise to Fuel My Pillow Addiction

Jaclyn August 3, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Don’t worry about it Heather. We have class so we will only judge you in hushed whispers and on Twitter.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:04 pm

@Marion: How could I NOT bring up Pawwwwlllaaa DEEEEEENNNN? Really, you unleashed her upon us like Alaska released the Palins.

@Heather: Who says you’re from Carolina? That’s like, oh you’re from The Korea. No, fucker, there’s a distinction between the two. A rather large one.

@Jaclyn: You’re giving away all my goddamn secrets.

Misty August 3, 2011 at 12:08 pm

“lying to get you to come inside of them these days–state slogans have now become that girl who pokes holes in condoms.” Nice word play.

Your Louisiana slogan is my favorite. That shit is funny.

And it is interesting how most slogans seem to be trying to entice people into the state by incinuating that you will most likely get laid by some cheap slutty whores. Or in MD’s case, get laid and get a venereal disease. MD is for Crabs people. Also, VA is for Lovers. See? All about the sex. (by the way, apparently VA just changed the slogan to Live Passionately. Not much better).
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:06 pm

States brought all this shit upon themselves. They’re basically prostituting themselves for tourists, like Romanian hookers. It’s terrible.

Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I lived in VA for a short time. We used to joke, “VA is for losers.”

bschooled August 3, 2011 at 12:49 pm

It’s times like these when I wish I knew more about my neighbor’s to the…er…south?

Let me try this again.

It’s times like these when I wish I wasn’t so directionally challenged…
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ColinP August 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Do you want to Biblically “know” them?
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:08 pm

The South: Prejudice, Beer, Butter, and Fox News.

That’s pretty much it. Also a really high STD rate.

Kerri August 4, 2011 at 6:42 am

and NASCAR

blondie August 4, 2011 at 3:57 pm

And meth

Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:48 pm

You had to bring that up, didn’t you?

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 3, 2011 at 12:51 pm

California- “Yes! We DO smile. It’s just…the botox.”

If that wasn’t very good, please blame the botox for affecting my brain.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Is that what happened to all of your politicians as well?

bschooled August 3, 2011 at 12:52 pm

ps. Why do the words “amazeballs Iowa” make me giggle like a pretend bisexual schoolgirl?
bschooled recently posted..Whoever said you can’t find love online obviously needs to lower their standards.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:12 pm

More accurately, why does the phrase “giggle like a pretend bisexual schoolgirl,” make me giggle like a pretend bisexual schoolgirl?

KatieBee August 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm

You just HAD to bring up that goddamn Creation Museum, didn’t you Noa?!?

Actually, Kentucky’s slogan is “Unbridled Spirit” – you know, because we’re kind of known for horses and bourbon and fried chicken and shit. And our motherfucking spirit is so awesome, we had to unbridle that bastard. I’m pretty sure they got rid of “Where education pays” when someone spelled it wrong on the license plate.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I tried so hard to be able to visit that on my last vacation, but it was too far away and I was so fucking sad I can hardly stand it.

And that Unbridled spirit bullshit is awesome considering the bridles they place on the racehorses.

Rachael August 3, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Massachusetts: Stay the Fuck Out of the Fast Lane, Asshole
New Hampshire: Cheapest Booze in the Whole Goddamn Country
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Marion in Savannah August 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Are you sure NH has the cheapest booze in the country? The only reason Covington, KY exists is so people from Cincinnati can come across the bridge over the Ohio River to get cheap booze…

(I actually spent a hellish year in Covington, KY so I know whereof I speak. The entire town is like some awful genetics experiment gone terribly, terribly wrong.)

Rachael August 4, 2011 at 10:09 am

Our liquor stores have big signs on them that say their booze is cheaper than anywhere in the country. And they’re all state liquor stores. Last week I bought a handle of light Bacardi for $20.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:14 pm

@Rachael: Texas: Get your ass out of the HOV lane, dicksmack.

@Marion: I’m pretty sure all of KY exists so other states can mooch.

Chris August 11, 2011 at 9:29 am

New Hampshire: We have liquor stores on the sides of our highways

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

In Arkansas, they apparently have a strict pattern of liquor store/church/barbecue. Everywhere. When we needed to find the liquor store, we looked for a church instead, and sure enough, right next to it: The Beer Barn.

Havilah December 6, 2011 at 9:04 am

Are BBQ place in my tiny-ass town just got permission to sell beer (not sure what all nights they can do that). SO many people are pissed (especially since it’s – you guessed it – right down the road from a church).

emmysuh August 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Actually, as a Kentuckian, we USED to be Where Education Pays but then someone realized that didn’t exactly jive with the fact that we were coming 48 th for National Education Rankings. So now we are JUST THAT FRIENDLY.

YEAH, Kentucky, we may be dumb as rocks but we sure know how to have a good time! Whiskey! Horse Races! Unnatural Competition about Sports Everyone Cares Way Too Much About! DID I MENTION THE WHISKEY?!?!
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Marion in Savannah August 3, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Woodford Reserve…. YUMMMMMM…..

KatieBee August 3, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Apparently, we Kentuckians cannot agree on our state slogan. We are so full of win.

Or is it bourbon…..????

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:15 pm

KY: We’re not that smart, but damn we’ll make you smile SHOTS MOTHERFUCKERS.

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I’ve only been to Kentucky once for my job. Damn it was fun. It was a week before the Kentucky Derby and the whiskey was flowing like wine in Louisville. When my business was done early Thursday morning, I stayed through Friday and the weekend on my own dime, and took a day of leave to fly back Monday.

I spent a day at Mammoth Cave, that was a lot funner than it sounds (especially when sipping from a pint-bottle while touring those crazy caves). The people were really nice.

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 6:59 pm

There’s no way that you’re dumber than–wait for it–UTAH.

carrien (she laughs at the days) August 3, 2011 at 1:51 pm

California – Mostly NOT celebrities and beaches.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Mostly–meaning some are there AND I STALK THEM ALL.

Oubliette August 3, 2011 at 2:14 pm

My cajun friend and I came up with a new one for Louisiana that we believe is both accurate and friendly.

Louisiana: We’re just like you, but drunker!

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I love your current slogan: Come as you are, leave different. This implies some horrible shit going down during Mardi Gras.

ColinP August 4, 2011 at 1:07 pm

It also has an Invasion of the Body Snatchers feel to it as well.
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Gross on many accounts.

Eric August 3, 2011 at 3:12 pm

North Carolina – It’s where New York lives now.
or
Last stop before you move to Florida to die.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:17 pm

This was simply magical.

Tazer August 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm

California: Bros n’ Hoes….

No wait….

California: It’s not what you think it is.

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Then…then what is it? A unicorn? Ebola? A wart?

ColinP August 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Isn’t that what the governator said to Maria about his newest spawn?
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Cue the drum riff, please.

Lilscorpiosweet August 3, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Wyoming: our actual slogan is Like No Place on Earth.

Wyoming: should be Get your shit and Get out.

I mean Wyoming is nice.. hell I live here but its the tourists I am talking about. Montana on the other hand has been confused with Wyoming. Montana is a Sheepherders paradise.
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Yes, Wyoming is like no place on earth, because it’s the only place that sheep outnumber the people. Well…no…that’s Australia, too. SHIT.

Bill G. January 11, 2012 at 12:00 am

Being from Wyoming, I always found it interesting that people would spend thousands upon thousands of dollars traveling thousand of miles to get there just to constantly talk about how their home town or state is so superior and Wyoming is just a hick’s paradise. My answer was always, “So how fucking smart are you for investing so much time and money to get to a place that you hate? What’s your encore? New Jersey?”

Lynne August 3, 2011 at 7:16 pm

North Carolina: The Newest Mexico

Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I immediately texted this to Grace and now we can’t stop laughing.

Angie August 3, 2011 at 9:23 pm

South Dakota – Warmer than North Dakota and no Fargo accent Doncha Know
Iowa – More DNA than Kentucky
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Noa August 3, 2011 at 10:21 pm

That’s the best Iowa slogan ever. Iowa: Still the right number of chromosomes!

Julie McGuire August 3, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Are you kidding me? This is hysterical. Hope you are getting buck bucks from your blog. You are better than any comedy writer.

Julie
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm

You just gave me an ego boner. For that, I thank you.

Rebecca Rhielle August 3, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Florida: Welcome to God’s Waiting Room

Lynne August 4, 2011 at 6:41 am

That was hilarious when Stewie used that reference when Peter was taking him to Disney.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Lord. I might be laughing if it weren’t so depressingly true.

Bill G. January 12, 2012 at 8:39 pm

You know those YouTube videos where old people crash through the front wall of the convenience store while attempting to park? A LOT of those are from Florida.

wagthedad August 4, 2011 at 1:50 am

The travesty surrounding the Illinois governors isn’t that they did what they did, but that they got caught. So now you’re not only a criminal, you’re also stupid. Corruption is what makes the state great. And dare I say the country as well? As George Carlin said, if we were all suddenly confronted with honesty in the system, the whole system would fall apart.

So now I’m just talking shit, because I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about Illinois.

Though it did give us Obama. And Bill Murray.

And I had no idea it was Right Here, Right Now. I thought it was Land of Lincoln. That is so awesome.

On the way to work today there was a dirty thong on the sidewalk. Not sure how that fits in here, but I’m sure it does.

Thanks for the edicashun, Noa.

Peace.

Angie Uncovered August 4, 2011 at 8:35 am

Does anyone find it odd that they stole their slogan from Jesus Jones?
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Illinois has no idea who they are, because they have several slogans. In Texas, it’s just FUCK ALL Y’ALL.

Bill G. January 11, 2012 at 12:02 am

Corruption: I either want it to end or a greater opportunity to participate.

Satan August 4, 2011 at 2:40 am

“Seize the day off.” ha.
evidently, i need to move to Maryland.

i’ve made some state slogans for a few of the states i’ve lived in…

Oregon: got pot? we do.
Louisiana: what the fuck happened last night?
Alabama: at least we’re not Mississippi!
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Oh Alabama–that’s all you have going for you, huh?

Cheryl S. August 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I live in Florida. South Florida, to be exact. Here’s a few for you:
Florida: No really. The humidity’s not that bad.
Florida: God’s waiting room.
Florida: Find your fugitives here!
Florida: Home of the hanging chad.
Florida: Electing criminals to office for over 100 years!
Florida: Home of the fountain of youth. Because, trust me, you’ll feel young looking at our population.

And of course, a special one for South Florida.

Miami: No hablo ingles.

Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Hanging Chads sounds like the most horrifying gay porn ever.

Jessica August 4, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I grew up in Idaho which is the “Gem State”, but since no one believed that they’ve just stuck with “Famous Potatoes”. After living here my whole life I think it is better described as “Where the Mormons ended up after leaving Utah” or “No black people for no discernible reason.” Really, after living in MD for a few months and visiting home, there sure are a lot of honkys out here… Ok, the reason is PROBABLY the neo-nazi’s in the north but they’ve pretty much left I think, just to stay on the safe side if you aren’t white I’d stay in the southern half though.
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Noa August 4, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Wow…Idaho just got fucking real. And I am afraid.

Bill G. January 11, 2012 at 12:03 am

Idaho: Famous Potheads.

Havilah August 4, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Arkansas: Our family trees really do branch out, I promise.
Oklahoma: Have fun playing bingo with the Indians!

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

You’re fucking lying about Arkansas.

Havilah August 9, 2011 at 1:17 am

I shit you not. Although… I have had offers from cousins on one side of the family. I stay the fuck away from them.

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

HRRHHHRRCCKCKCHHRHRRKK.

Havilah August 11, 2011 at 11:48 pm

My reaction exactly… right after I got my brothers to hit them.

natalie August 4, 2011 at 8:54 pm

god damnit…you are funnier than my grandma.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Why thank you!

Kelly August 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I’m from Kansas, which the slogan should be “One. Big. Fucking. Rectangle. Oh wait, no it’s not. Fuck you, Missouri.”

I’m in Tennessee, where it should read: “Tennessee: Land of Insta-swampass.”

I heard a few weeks ago that there is an older gentleman from North Dakota who is writing a history textbook on the state, and evidently their constitution (or whatever the fuck) was never ratified (or some shit) and that ND is technically still a territory, not a state. Therefore, ND should probably have the slogan: “Make me pay taxes, Motherfucker!”
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm

ND: We didn’t even ratify our own constitution!

Melanie August 4, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Minnesota is the “Land of 10,000 Lakes.”

It should be “Land of 10 trillion mosquitoes,” or “Land of 10,000 ways to be passive aggressive with a smile,” or possibly “Land of WE’RE TOTALLY NOT RACIST AT ALL there just happen to be very few non-white people living here that’s all *innocent whistle*”

Lynne August 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

I see that at least two of us weren’t afraid to go there.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:33 pm

It’s totally awesome to point out secret racism if for one fact alone: it makes every uncomfortable with the reality of its own existence.

I appreciate both of you going there.

Bcca August 5, 2011 at 11:51 am

Can I just say I’m Pretty Sure That I shouldn’t have read this at work because I spit my coffee out all over the computer screen and choked while laughing.

I heart your language choices and your blog. Please keep drinking tequila, writing poetry and making me laugh.

http://im-pretty-sure-that.blogspot.com/
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Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:34 pm

HEAR HEAR MOTHERFUCKER.

I don’t need an excuse to drink, but now that I know it entertains you, I’ll keep doing it anyway.

Betty August 7, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Oregon’s motto is: “She flies by her own wings.” Oregon’s motto should be: “She dies by her own hand,” “Portland: We let strippers get completely naked–suck it, Nevada,” or “Marijuana: For health and profit.”

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Good lord, Oregon. That’s the absolute dumbest slogan ever. Quite fitting of Oregon, though.

Lena Teegal August 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819

Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I snorted when I read Arizona’s.

Casey August 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm

This post nearly made me wet myself. While “accidents” are not that unusual for me, unfortunately today I failed to wear my visqueen panties to ye ole J-O-B.

Seriously, the suggestion for Louisiana’s new motto? A little pee came out. (partly because I am from Louisiana, ya’ll)

Keep bringing the funny, Slutface. This shit get’s me through the day more often than not.

Noa August 8, 2011 at 5:36 pm

There’s no greater compliment than calling me slutface. I will keep bringing the funny.

Tazer August 10, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Great tips, I can’t wait to find my very own obsession and start implementing these tools of stalkerifficness.

Hair undies, here I come.
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Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Hey tazer, you weren’t modded–you just commented on the wrong one.

Alexandra August 11, 2011 at 1:31 am

I have always loved You Da Ho, IDAHO.

But, I’m simple like that.
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Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Sometimes, you gotta love the classics.

Chris August 11, 2011 at 9:53 am

According to Wikipedia, Rhode Island’s motto is “Hope”, which is fucking laughable. There is nothing hopeful about a dead economy, near highest unemployment in the country, and good ol’ corruption. I do have a few suggestions, however.

Rhode Island: Stupider Massholes
Rhode Island: I swear, we’re a state!
Rhode Island: Where driving 30 minutes feels like an eternity
Rhode Island: No tax on clothing! PLEASE SHOP HERE
Rhode Island: Fuck it, just keep driving to New York

Noa August 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Rhode Island: Was that it?

Karen Bonner August 16, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Colorado: We want your tourist money but not tourists so send us a check and stay home.

Noa August 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

You’re not fucking kidding.

Heather September 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm

New Hampshire’s motto is “Live Free or Die”.
But with no helmet law, no seat belt law, no legal requirement to carry insurance, and liquor stores on the side of the highway, it should be “Live Free AND Die”.
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Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:52 am

New Hampshire is a lot more badass than previously thought.

Myth September 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

No one has yet mentioned Indiana, which honestly does not surprise me. Our state’s motto is “The Crossroads of America.” I can’t say for sure what the fuck this means. If I had to guess, it’s acknowledging the fact that the only reason you are in Indiana is because you are headed to Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, or Kentucky.

Once, when speaking to a person I met online, I mentioned that I live in Indiana. The response I received: “Where the fuck is that? Is it in Europe?” Others I have spoken to were better at geography, but, as one commented: “Knowing where it is doesn’t mean we care. It’s fucking Indiana. If the Soviets nuked it off the face of the Earth, we would only notice because it was raining popcorn.” I guess that would be kind of awesome if we could convince Georgia to butter us up first. Hot oily Midwest-on-South action followed by free popcorn and a movie? Hell yes.

If you ask me, our motto should be “Indiana: No, we don’t know what a Hoosier is either. Quit asking.” (For the uninformed, residents of Indiana are called Hoosiers. I guess they thought calling us Indians would be too offensive. But personally, if someone called me a Hoosier to my face, I would knock their goddamn teeth in, because wherever the word comes from I bet it’s some sort of insult.)

Noa September 17, 2011 at 12:53 am

I tried so hard to come up with Indiana jokes, but Indiana kind of sucks. The only real awesome you have is a stake on Indiana Jones (who I would bang in a second. In a fucking second.) I’m sorry, there just isn’t much to work with.

Myth September 27, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Trust me, I know. I was grasping at straws to come up with anything, and I fucking live here. Quite frankly that’s absurd. I think when I’m older I’m going to move somewhere more interesting. Possibly Montana; it has Allie Brosh and it’s not so damn hot in the summer. (I’m a pussy; I can’t handle the summer heat because it makes me sick. I couldn’t last five seconds in Texas, which makes our trip to Arizona in August seem like a homicide attempt on my mother’s part.)

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Montana no longer even has Allie–she moved to Oregon!

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 12:49 am

I live in Utah. The actual state motto is: BYOB.

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Jesus: WE got ‘im!

Bill G. December 6, 2011 at 1:07 am

I’m originally from Wyoming. The actual motto is: “We’re not all elderly, but we sure drive like it!” The population density is approx. 3 people per square mile, there’s 4 cops per county and they NEVER patrol the open areas (they all sit at the edge of small towns to nab you if you don’t see the 45 MPH sign on the way into town), the roads have so little traffic that they’re easy to maintain and tend to be very straight, and people consistently drive 15 MPH below the speed limit. Holy fuck, people drive like they’re on their way to the gallows. I don’t understand it. If getting there is so unimportant, why did you leave your fucking house to begin with!?!?!

Noa December 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Wyoming: It’s Texas with fewer people. Shit’s cold, yo.

Bill G. January 14, 2012 at 12:17 am

What really fucks with you are the summers. In college, I stayed with my parents for 2 summers and worked on a highway road crew for college money. I-80 near Evanston, WY is high desert (approx. 7000 feet altitude). First thing in the morning (6 AM), the temperature would be 35-40 F with a light frost. By lunchtime, the temp. would be about 85 and peak at about 90. So you had to dress warm first thing in the morning and by lunch time, you’d be roasting your ass off.

Normally, it’s nice that it cools off at night. Sure beats oppressive heat 24/7. But working an outdoor job from 6 AM to 6 PM is the shits because of the huge temperature swing.

Dave in Sherman January 10, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Indiana : Crossroads of America

or in other words “Get your non-white, non-christian ass the fuck across the border for we set the Klan on you!” Angola, Indiana : National Headquarters of the KKK

Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

The Crossroads of America? That sounds like a damn threat.

Bill G. January 11, 2012 at 12:07 am

“Virginia’s for lovers.” I lived there for 4 years. I always said, “Virginia’s for losers.” I always called Norfolk, Virginia “No-Fuck, Vagina”.

Noa January 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I have never in my life said, “Lover, let’s run away to Virginia!”

Fuck that. If I were running with a lover, my ass would be in the Maldives.

Bill G. January 14, 2012 at 12:28 am

Live in Virginia if you want to be reminded of the Civil War constantly. If you don’t talk with a southern twang, people call you a “Yankee” and remind you that “we don’t like your kind in these parts”. They get even more offended when I tell them that I was born 110 years after the Civil War and I don’t care about any of this shit, it’s just a story in a history book to me.

My family came west on a boat from England and they didn’t stop until they hit Bridger Valley, WY (a journey that very likely would’ve killed me). Take your “South shall rise again” shit and put it to music. Or better yet, GET OVER IT. You’re stuck in the ’60s–the fucking 1860s, that is.

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