And Then I Invented Slavery.

08/24/2011 · 95 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person

Adrian and I have a knack for inventions. And by inventions, I mean blatant plagiarism.

1. 1-900-Wrinkle-Sack

Me: “Why aren’t there old people phone sex lines?”

Adrian: “I think you just answered your own question.”

Me: “Not really sex lines, per se, but a number you can call to talk to some old coot about how shitty the weather is and why young’uns have no respect anymore. 1-800-Curmudgeon. Or 1-800-Hot-Nana for someone to tell you how passively aggressively proud of you they are.”

Adrian: “Noa. That’s the AARP.”

Me: “Well fuck.

 2. The Frankenstein of the Travel Industry

Adrian: “You know what the world needs?”

Me: “Your mom’s face?”

Adrian: “The world needs a place where you can go tell people where you want to travel, and they set up everything for you. Not a guided tour, but people who organize your itinerary: tickets, hotels, tours, the whole bit. That way you can just pack and go.”

Me: “You just invented the travel agency.”

Adrian: “I did not.”

Me: “…”

Adrian: “Shit.”

3. You Kids Get Your Tweets Off My Lawn

Adrian: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a website where you could make your own t-shirts and bumper stickers with your own sayings and drawings on them? That way you could wear what you wanted all the time, and you could write your own funny sayings.”

Me: “It would be awesome, and it totally is because it already exists. Has existed for many years.”

Adrian: “Oh.”

Me: “Sometimes when I talk to you, it’s like you’re 90-years-old and have never used the new-fangled interwebs, dagnabbit.”

Adrian: “Fuck off.”

4. I Need To Be Buried With A Lot Of Ice.

Me: “These fucking kids on America’s Got Talent are ridiculous. The coolest talent I had when I was a child was being able to evade people while running around naked.”

Adrian: “That’s still one of your better talents.”

Me: “Your talent needs to be shutting the fuck up. These kids are going to be rich as shit at like, 9.”

Adrian: “Wrong. Their parents are going to be rich for doing pretty much nothing more than humping. I mean, the only investment opportunities at age 9 are in Lisa Frank and Thundercats.”

Me: “You know how when you go to a sperm bank and then you get to pick out which jizz is the smartest and most handsome and has the least chance of turning out dentally-challenged banjo players?”

Adrian: “I don’t like where this is heading. Did you just really use the phrase Dentally Challenged?”

Me: “Do you think some people do that with adopted kids? Put them through physicals and tests, like boot camp, to have their best chance at having that genius phenom who’ll support them forever? Maybe that’s why Angelina Jolie has all those kids; to find her Highlander or to do her taxes. Holy shit. Did she adopt children for staffing purposes?”

Adrian: “There’s a constitutional amendment against all of those things. And a lot of regular laws. And moral boundaries and objections.”

Me: “Oh God. Did I just re-invent slavery?”

Adrian: “It must be so comforting to already know that you’re going to Hell when you die.”

Adrian and I can’t be the only ones with dumb ideas. What have you guys thought of or heard someone else think of?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Bex: “R n’ B singer Aaliyah in her song Try Again. ‘Cause if at first you don’t suceed, dust yourself of & try again’. Bitch please, look what happened to you. And secondly, no one deserves to have two A’s at the start of their name. Not even Jjesus.”


Carrie Fudickar August 24, 2011 at 3:49 am

1. clear-dome tornado shelter so you can, “see the shit go down”.
2. gurney style grocery cart that you just wheel into the back of your car.
3. toilet that tests your feces and urine for diseases.

whenever I tell my husband I have a good idea, he rolls his eyes.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm

1. I read your name initially as “Fuckidar.”
2. Those are all brilliant ideas. Why do they not exist?

Metta (the letter m) August 24, 2011 at 5:39 am

The fiancé and I are just full of good ideas.

A wife on call service. (no, not a hooker, a wife).
They bitch at you about stuff you haven’t done, they wash your shit for you, remember how you like your tea, and don’t have sex with you.

A pms damage mitigation system, where for a low subscription fee, women get send chocolates, hot water bottles, foot massage vouchers, chick flicks, etc once a month, and the males in the house get lists of shit they can’t say or do (or for the premium service, they get sent away for a week fishing or whatever)

I forget the others, oh and an advisory service for guys to get them to stop sticking their collective feet in their mouths with their women, where they get given translations of what they want to say, but in chick language…
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Misty August 24, 2011 at 11:28 am

PMS damage mitigation system . . . Hot damn, you need to market that shit. That is pure gold!! Why hasn’t anyone made that happen yet? You are a genius.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:27 pm

It’s fucking brilliant.

Metta (the letter m) August 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Sadly, I’m also damn lazy. Apparently damn lazy trumps genius… there’s always some enthusiastic motivated idiot making money out of ideas I had years ago.

With this one though I actually thought about it, because I’d like it, but then I realised that I’m not like most women, and ‘most women’ seem to get riled up about really dumb stuff, and this might be exploiting stereotypes or contributing to the negative view of womynkind or something. Then the rampaging Godzilla feminazis would hunt me down…
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I think they have that Wife service in Japan. Which is awesome.

I love the idea of having a universal translator with “Chick,” and “Chick with PMS” as options. It would save Adrian a lot of misery.

Metta (the letter m) August 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Unfortunately, I don’t think they’ve gotten to the stage where a computer can think ahead enough steps to save someone from making a woman angry or upset about something (or everything). It would explode trying. Maybe when they have quantum computers actually working…
Metta (the letter m) recently posted..This just isn’t funny. It’s stupid.

Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:35 am

I also like the theory that some Quantum Physicists are working specifically towards this goal.

Hoody Hoo August 24, 2011 at 6:52 am

“It must be so comforting to already know that you’re going to Hell when you die.”
This is why we keep you around, Adrian.
The dumbest thing I ever invented was the riding vacuum cleaner. I even drew pictures (which, at age 8 or so, I referred to as “schematics”) and tried to get Dear Sweet Mama to send it off to the patent office. I have NO IDEA how big your house would have to be for one of these… but I thought it was GENIUS. I also invented snap together apartments (think enormous Legos) for low-income housing… until I was told that already exists. I am good at inventing things that already exist.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I would pay a shitload of money for a ride-on vaccuum, and I live in an apartment with only one room of carpeting. I’d ride it down the elevator to go get the mail because fuck walking.

Hoody Hoo August 25, 2011 at 6:36 am

Ha! Take that, Dear Sweet Mama, with your “no one will buy that, Hoody.” NOA WOULD BUY ONE! It’s entirely your fault we’re not laying in money like Scrooge McDick.
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Hoody Hoo August 25, 2011 at 6:37 am

FUUUUUCK. Scrooge McDUCK. Apparently I type the word “dick” so much it happens automatically…
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

To be fair though, McDuck really was a giant McDick.

wicked opinion August 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

If you had three obnoxious mini-ducks crapping up all your stuff all the time, you’d be a McDick, too. I hated Huey, Lewey and Dewey – I wanted to roast them with orange sauce. I always like the cranky curmudgeons of the world. They’re my people.

Noa August 26, 2011 at 1:24 am

How could you NOT be pissed when your three nephews have no discipline and are always fucking up your shit? McDick away.

Justin August 24, 2011 at 7:25 am

My brother and I invented a machine that would record your dreams and then burn them onto DVD for your viewing pleasure at a later date. However, we did not take into account the inherent fucked-up-ness of the dreams in question. Nobody wants to watch me frolic around in fig leaves while fighting a gigantic marshmallow man covered in gravy. Especially not me…

Or do I…
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Norway August 24, 2011 at 1:11 pm

If that thing were left I would buy one in a heartbeat. Seriously, that sounds awesome.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Agreed. Wholeheartedly.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I would LOVE to have that system. I have a habit of waking up around 4 am, and then for the last couple hours that I sleep, I have the most fucked up dreams anyone could imagine. I think it would make a great TV Show as well, in the America’s Funniest Home Videos format. “America’s Weirdest Subconscious.”

Kelly August 24, 2011 at 8:19 am

Since I lost my creativity about the time I entered puberty, I’ll go with one that my dear daughter came up with a few days ago: “Mom, can I go get my rubber band gun?” “Sure, but I don’t think we have any cans for you to shoot at.” “Oh, I don’t want it for that. I want to see if I can turn the tv off and on with it, isn’t that a cool idea?” “Um, can’t you just use the remote?” “Oh.”

In my not so sober days, I really wanted someone to have a delivery service where I could call them completely blasted out of my mind and they could go get me Taco Bell, a case of Busch Light, a pack of Marlboro lights, and a Reese’s blizzard. That would have been magical. Hell, I still wish for that.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I think coming up with a Drunk Wrangler service would make a shitton of money. You call them, they make sure you don’t make an ass of yourself, and fulfill your dietary drunken requests as needed.

Gold. Fucking Gold.

Jaclyn August 24, 2011 at 8:21 am

Obviously you didn’t take into consideration that people who are buying sperm and adopting babies already have a shitload of money. Because, let me tell you, that shit is EXPENSIVE. My husband and I looked into procuring some sperm before we found out our insurance would cover part of our IVF because he has very bad sperm. And you know how much money they want for sperm? A fucking LOT. Like $600 a pop. That’s fucking prostitution if I’ve ever seen it. All I could think was “maybe I’ll just find a drunk guy in a bar who looks like my husband”. And adoption? Easily $20,000. Little Maddox and Zahara SHOULD be doing her taxes. And Caitlyn should be doing mine, because she isn’t adopted but she did cost me a LOT of money.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

And that comment right there is why I’ll never have kids. No matter how you slice it, kids are too fucking expensive.

Jaclyn August 24, 2011 at 3:20 pm

haha. Yes, they are, but more so in mine and Angelina’s cases. Because I had bad sperm to contend with and she had humanitarian pinings. My kid is totally awesome, if that helps.
Jaclyn recently posted..I Hope Rodolfo Doesn’t Get Murdered Today, Because The Police Will Definitely Think I Did It

Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

It does. Because when you put two terrible people together (me and Adrian) we don’t have a shot in hell at having good, pretty kids. We may require outside assistance.

Johi August 24, 2011 at 8:53 am

My husband is constantly inventing shit, or at least shitty ideas. But hey, I try to be supportive….

My favorite:
Our almost 2 year old was climbing out of his crib, hence signaling a coming transition to a “big boy bed”. Instead of making arrangements for this transition, my husband wanted to” invent a lid, made of slatted wood and hinge it on one side and lock it on the other.” Because, that would keep the baby in his bed….

I said, “That is called a CAGE, and I’m pretty sure that it is illegal to keep you child in a cage.”

He said, “Hmmmm. Well…”

And I said, “Seriously, it won’t happen. Invent something else, preferably not a baby product.”

And this is (only one of the many many reasons) why the world needs women.
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Rairy August 24, 2011 at 10:33 am

Hospitals use baby cage.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Baby Storage.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I wouldn’t even bat an eye if one of my friends kenneled their kids at night. At least you can get some goddamn sleep that way.

Delina August 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Parents already walk around with their kids on leashes. Cages are the next logical step.
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:37 am

I’ll be honest with you, if you ask almost any Vet out there, they’ll tell you that you can train children the way you do dogs and vice versa. They’re animals, too.

wicked opinion August 25, 2011 at 8:03 pm

If more people would train their kids, there wouldn’t be so many asshole kids nowadays screaming in airplanes and ruining date night. Just sayin’ – those zap collars come in nice colors.
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Noa August 26, 2011 at 1:25 am

And then you don’t even need babygates, just the perimeter shock system. Genius.

Mom2Nora August 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

“They’re animals too.” I LOVE that you said that. I once told some moms that I thought I had learned a lot about raising a kid from my prior experience with two adopted (adopted=untrained) dogs and I recommended that everyone hone their parenting skills on dogs to avoid adding more ill-behaved children to the world. I would have thought from their reactions that I had said, “I buried two bodies in my back yard.” I’m not sure if they were appalled by my comparison of kids to dogs or my suggestion that not everyone should procreate. Hmmm…. this is why I don’t get a lot of play dates with the other moms. I’m just not good at keeping these thoughts to myself.

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm

People are usually just as stupid when they train animals, too. Grace has dogs come in to her clinic all the time that are massively obese, and the owners say, “Well, she’ll only eat table scraps.”

OF COURSE your dog will only eat scraps because that’s all you feed him. Put out some kibble, that bitch will eat when it’s hungry, just like toddlers will eat that fucking waffle if they know that waffle is the only option.

Why are there no licenses for childbearing?

anna August 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

They already have something like this (admittedly it’s not so cage-like, but same idea) – it’s called a Crib Tent:

Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

The person who invented that does not get paid enough money.

barefootorbust August 25, 2011 at 11:06 am

In 1937 they created a baby cage that HUNG OUT THE WINDOW!

Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

I see no issue with this. I’m planning on installing doggy doors if I should ever have kids.

Erin T August 24, 2011 at 10:00 am

It’s because of phrases like “dentally challenged banjo player” and “…already know that you’re going to Hell when you die” that i actually have to explain to my boss when she walks in the room as to why I’m cleaning coffee off my monitor and keyboard.

You make my day with the shit that comes from your brain. I love it!

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

You just made my day with this comment. Thank you!!

Jamie Varon August 24, 2011 at 10:34 am

Sometimes when I read your blog, I think all I want to do in life is get Adrian drunk.

But not to take advantage of him.

I mean, to, uh, hear his ideas?
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Adrian’s even more awesome when he’s drunk. I rent him out for parties n’shit. He’d totally come to Paris, too.

Kella August 24, 2011 at 10:43 am

Now I have a seemingly-undying montage of all of Brangelina’s kids hoeing the back 40, singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” in unison.

When you get dragged downstairs by your heels, I promise to leave a note for Adrian.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I just spit out my tea reading that. Thank you.

Andi Davies August 24, 2011 at 11:27 am

I actually came up with a good invention once — a lock for shopping carts, like the locks on baby strollers. You just walk your cart up to your car, slam that thing down with your foot, then unload without any rolling away worries. I still don’t know why somebody hasn’t done this.

As far as a travel agency, I need one that would take my list of all the things I like to do and figure out where to send me, then convince the Hubs to take the time off and make sure he puts in his request early. I also probably need a mediator so we don’t kill each other in the middle of packing and schlepping. The actual travel part is easy.
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barefootorbust August 24, 2011 at 12:17 pm

They used to have those on carts at a grocery store I used to shop at in the last town I lived in. They were little levers that you step on and tilt down to lock and up to unlock. According to a friend of mine who worked there they had to get rid of them because when you pushed the carts together the mechanisms would get stuck and when you got the carts apart finally the levers were useless.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Fuck. You just ruined all my dreams.

Andi Davies August 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm

And mine. Drat. Hmm, maybe we could put an anchor on the handle? You reach your car, drop the anchor…..well, it’s a thought.
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:39 am

Knowing my luck I’d kick the lock when I’m riding my cart to my car and take a header over my milk.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Oh God, that cart idea is brilliant, because I apparently shop at the only grocery store who’s parking lot is mostly on a hillside, and I’m getting really sick of chasing my catfood down.

barefootorbust August 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

All grocery store parking lots have a little tilt to them. They are designed that way so that when it rains the water runs into the gutters instead of puddling in the parking lot. Doesn’t help those of us who have to shop there, though.

Maybe breaks that are kind of like the ones on walkers? they lock at the handle instead of at the wheel….

Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:39 am

Learn something new every day.

wicked opinion August 25, 2011 at 8:07 pm

No, no. This cannot be. Imagine the confusion among the dentally challenged in the Walmarts parking lots across the nation. There would be stranded carts and lawsuits everywhere. They can’t even operate the ones they have NOW. The horror….
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Noa August 26, 2011 at 1:26 am

I never even thought of them as lawsuitable. Fucking Dentally Challenged motherfuckers.

Misty August 24, 2011 at 11:53 am

My friend and are are huge heathens and we often say that we are not only going to hell, but will be driving the bus to hell. BEEP BEEP.

Good to know that you reinvented slavery, because I have recently been informed that I am a racist, so those to things work out perfectly for me. Great timing I say!! I guess I’m off to adopt some asian kids or something. I really need the back 9 hoed.

Misty August 24, 2011 at 11:54 am

. . . those TWO things work out perfectly . . .

Damn. I usually read it before posting. Sorry.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Wow. You really are going to drive the bus there. Save me a seat.

Dangerboy August 24, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I once thought it’d be great to invent a hands-free way to pack the handcannon. Then I realized it had been going strong for a long time, and they call it sex. I’m so glad the days of high school are far, far behind me.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I don’t know how to respond to that, except with an enormous amount of sadness.

Lilscorpiosweet August 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I think there should be a beeper or or something for when you lose your remote control or car keys. You know how cordless phones have a paging system and provided your phone isn’t dead when you try to page it, it lets a loud beeping noise to alert you to the location it is in? Yeah that. Anyway the patent people are not jumping at my ideas. They suck I guess that is what kids are for.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:41 pm

We’re all so awesome at inventing things that already are things.

Melanie September 2, 2011 at 9:30 pm

How this would work for me:

“Dammit, where are my keys? Hold on, I’ll use the remote finder thingy.”

-a few seconds later-

“Where’s the goddamn remote finder thingy?”
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Tazer Warrior Princess August 24, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Holy fuckballs, I don’t even know what to say.
I really think they need to have booze delivery services. Cause I’m that lazy.
Automatic dog-shit picker upper. Like those Rumblebot things that roll around and vacuum, but for dog shit. Again, cause I’m that lazy.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

My cousin has a mulching option on his leaf blower, but he uses it to suck up the dog turds in his backyard and fire them in the neighbor’s yard. It’s the most brilliant use of a leaf blower I’ve ever seen.

nadine August 24, 2011 at 9:25 pm

There used to be a Chinese food restaurant in my town that was also a liquor store. When me and my friend John were in high school, he’d call up and say “I’d like to order one egg roll… (lowers voice) and a 40.” Then the Chinese guy would say “YOU 21?” And John would say “(even lower voice) Yes I am.” And then the guy would say ok 5 minutes. And that’s how you get a booze delivery service.
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:40 am

That’s pure magic.

Becca August 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I had this amazing idea to create a neck pillow for kids for in their car seat when they fall asleep so their heads don’t flop everywhere. It may have involved tying something around the child’s neck, to which the phubster told me that I would probably strangle hundreds of children every year and that no parent would ever buy it, EVER. And just like that my dreams of being an inventor of quality children’s items was burst. SIGH. Did I tell you about the other idea I had for keeping a bottle in a baby’s mouth……
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

You seem to really enjoy strapping things onto small children, which I suppose sets them up for Circus Success. You’re the best circus trainer ever.

elizabeth- flourish in progress August 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The other day, after I broke yet ANOTHER glass while doing the dishes, I turned to Harv and said that someone should invent cups that don’t break.

He said that they already do. Apparently, it’s something called “plastic.”

What the fuck? How come I didn’t know about this shit?
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

You have a very strange aversion to anything made of glass. Breaking your phone, breaking glasses.

Elizabeth, it’s time for a plastics intervention.

Mom2Nora August 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

When my daughter was 3 years old and we were working on introducing time outs, I had the idea for a time out bench – like the benches in a police station where cops handcuff perps so they know they’ll find the perp still sitting there when they return in a few minutes. Yep, that kind of time out bench – because really that would be a lot easier than walking the kid back to time out 25 times for what should have been a two minute episode. Funny but the other mommies looked at me strangely and we don’t get a lot of play dates .

Misty August 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Screw those stuck up bee-otches! That is brilliant. Maybe if the handcuffs were fuzzy or had pink butterflies on them or something? I think that might make the difference. I’ll buy one. Sign me up!
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I love that your improvement suggestion is basically sex-cuffs.

Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:34 pm

If I were strapped to a bench as a child for time-out, I probably would have been much more well-behaved. If I had kids, they would play together a lot because you are awesome.

Angie Uncovered August 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I was thinking it would be cool to have a service where men bid for my attention. They each get so many tries to buy me things that will make me want to choose them. Then I remembered that is the sort of thing they call being a whore.
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Noa August 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

And also slavery.

Either way, totally awesome.

Sarcasm Goddess August 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I can think of nothing right now, in fact I can’t really do anything right now other than laugh. I’m laughing so hard I’m going to pee my pants. And then I’ll be sitting in wet clothes and smell like piss. Someone should come up with something you could wear to catch your pee. Something that you could just take off and throw away when you’re done or if you’re environmentally conscious, wash and re-use.

Oh wait…
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:40 am

Sorry about the pee stains. I hope it was worth it!

nadine August 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I told my boyfriend about this idea I had for an app on your phone that would manage all your social media stuff – Facebook, Twitter, MyFace or whatever you got going on. Face Union if you’re on Law & Order SVU. But alas, that is invented apparently.

My other invention (THIS IS TM DON’T STEAL MY IDEA) Is for a medication… OTC… it’s also food. And it’s for PMS. It’s chocolate-covered peanut butter-stuffed pretzel candy bars with cake on the bottom that also have Xanax and Midol in it.
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:41 am

Like hiding pills in cheese for dogs? Love it.

Rachael August 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

I was a medical genius in third grade. It is NO WONDER my boyfriend is a doctor–he sees mad potential in me and is just waiting to cash in on that. Back then, I learned that most things in our bodies traveled around through our bloodstream, including the bad things. I figured out that the bad things probably are shaped differently, or different sizes, or whatever, than the good things. I invented a filtration system. It would take all the bad shit and hold on to it in one place that would be easily emptied or, when necessary, changed out. It would let the good shit through. In my mind, this wonderful blood-filter would probably solve all disease ever.

Now I realize I invented kidneys. FUCK yeah. (To my credit, MY kidneys would filter out diseases. Not like these bullshit kidneys we’re provided with at birth.)
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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

You’re a kidney-enhancing genius. Like a brita filter for kidneys.

L.A. August 25, 2011 at 2:09 am

So, when I was younger, my sister and I had piano lessons after school. One day, my dad forgot to pick us up. We walked home. This was our conversation.

L.A.: I’m tired.
Sister: Me too. We should come up with a way that we could get home faster. Like if our shoes had wheels.
L.A.: Those are roller blades.
Sister: Yeah, but so we could sit down.
L.A.: That’s a bicycle.
Sister: Yeah, but where we didn’t have to work. Like paid someone to wheel us along.
L.A.: That’s a bus.
Sister: But it wouldn’t be full of people.
L.A.: That’s a taxi.
Sister: But it wouldn’t be so expensive.
L.A.: That’s our father picking us up.
Sister: But he forgot to pick us up!

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Noa August 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

And this is why they never should have taken rickshaws out of business.

Elizabeth (Foodie, Formerly Fat) August 25, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Once, on the way to work, I invented trains. The thought process went like this:

They shouldn’t allow all these freaking 18-Wheelers on the highway during rush hour, it screws all of us! They should only be allowed to drive during non-busy times… But, I suppose the shipping/trucking industry would object because it would slow them down a lot… Ok, they should have their own lane that’s separate from the rest of the road… Then they could have more than one trailer behind them! One truck could drag two, three, four, or even more trailer and then… wait… shit… that’s a train.

Noa August 26, 2011 at 1:29 am

After growing up in a town where the trains regularly split the town in two with no way to get across to the other side (enjoy, Emergency Services! Shove that heart attack up your ass) I can honestly say I now the point of 18-Wheelers.

I still maintain, however, that you should have to pass a separate driver’s license to drive on certain roads so that way you’re not GOING 50 IN THE FAST LANE WHILE WE’RE ALL TRYING TO BEAT RUSH HOUR, WHORE.

Wendi August 27, 2011 at 9:26 pm

You have a patent lawyer on retainer, right?

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I do now.

margarita August 28, 2011 at 11:46 am

I recently came up with an idea for a fabulous iphone app for chicks like me that over call/text dudes I like or am dating which makes me look like a desperate freak. The app would be called “dick blocker” and would be a combo between a number blocker and an alarm clock. Say you just meet a guy and get his number and he’s super hot but you don’t want to look desperate. You want to wait a few days: you go into the app, click on his number, and specify the amount of days you need access to his # blocked without him knowing, of course. NO MATTER HOW badly you want to cave in, your phone won’t let you. Once you set that shit, you are LOCKED IN. And you aren’t allowed to view the number either so there is no temptation to call from a different line. Also, every time you TRY to call or text during the blocked phase, your iphone will talk you out of it with self affirmation phrases like, “you are good enough to be needed, not needy.” Or if it’s a bad boy asshole you are addicted to as i often am, your phone might say, “you are too good for him. Ignore him so he knows it.” IF you are over-the edge, trying to figure out how to unlock the block, your iphone will get drastic at that point and say, “back away from the phone, you clingy desperate freak. Is that what you want to be??? A clingy desperate freak??”
THAT IS A KICK ASS FUCKING IDEA FOR AN APP, RIGHT??? Too bad I don’t know how to MAKE an app and I don’t know anyone who does. I was thinking about running this by my brother the engineer and putting the word out amongst his fellow smart friends. SO if this app comes to fruition, you can say you read it here first :) And if anyone gets cute and tries to RIP OFF my idea, PREPARED TO GET SUED FOR LOTS OF MONEY, MOTHER FUCKER!

Noa August 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Holy shit. That really is a brilliant idea. You could even get into the scheduling business for booty calls. Mary’s a Wednesday, Cindy is a Saturday, and DO NOT GET THEM FUCKED UP.

I’m pretty impressed, I’m not gonna lie.

povertyanddeath August 28, 2011 at 10:03 pm

My sister hint hint it’s funny! Read it! Anyway, SHEEEEE suggested ALSO that this app have a built in breathalizer so that you HAVE to breath into your iphone before making the call or text to avoid DRUNK OVERTEXTING AND CALLING!!!!!! And this bitch just CAME up with this right off the top of her head. Amazing! ANd I LOVE your booty call idea!!!!!! Like so now it would be a combo between a blocker, an alarm, a booty icalendar with alerts, and a breathalizer! We are awesome!!!
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