Adrian and I have a knack for inventions. And by inventions, I mean blatant plagiarism.
Me: “Why aren’t there old people phone sex lines?”
Adrian: “I think you just answered your own question.”
Me: “Not really sex lines, per se, but a number you can call to talk to some old coot about how shitty the weather is and why young’uns have no respect anymore. 1-800-Curmudgeon. Or 1-800-Hot-Nana for someone to tell you how passively aggressively proud of you they are.”
Adrian: “Noa. That’s the AARP.”
Me: “Well fuck.
2. The Frankenstein of the Travel Industry
Adrian: “You know what the world needs?”
Me: “Your mom’s face?”
Adrian: “The world needs a place where you can go tell people where you want to travel, and they set up everything for you. Not a guided tour, but people who organize your itinerary: tickets, hotels, tours, the whole bit. That way you can just pack and go.”
Me: “You just invented the travel agency.”
Adrian: “I did not.”
3. You Kids Get Your Tweets Off My Lawn
Adrian: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a website where you could make your own t-shirts and bumper stickers with your own sayings and drawings on them? That way you could wear what you wanted all the time, and you could write your own funny sayings.”
Me: “It would be awesome, and it totally is because it already exists. Has existed for many years.”
Me: “Sometimes when I talk to you, it’s like you’re 90-years-old and have never used the new-fangled interwebs, dagnabbit.”
Adrian: “Fuck off.”
4. I Need To Be Buried With A Lot Of Ice.
Me: “These fucking kids on America’s Got Talent are ridiculous. The coolest talent I had when I was a child was being able to evade people while running around naked.”
Adrian: “That’s still one of your better talents.”
Me: “Your talent needs to be shutting the fuck up. These kids are going to be rich as shit at like, 9.”
Adrian: “Wrong. Their parents are going to be rich for doing pretty much nothing more than humping. I mean, the only investment opportunities at age 9 are in Lisa Frank and Thundercats.”
Me: “You know how when you go to a sperm bank and then you get to pick out which jizz is the smartest and most handsome and has the least chance of turning out dentally-challenged banjo players?”
Adrian: “I don’t like where this is heading. Did you just really use the phrase Dentally Challenged?”
Me: “Do you think some people do that with adopted kids? Put them through physicals and tests, like boot camp, to have their best chance at having that genius phenom who’ll support them forever? Maybe that’s why Angelina Jolie has all those kids; to find her Highlander or to do her taxes. Holy shit. Did she adopt children for staffing purposes?”
Adrian: “There’s a constitutional amendment against all of those things. And a lot of regular laws. And moral boundaries and objections.”
Me: “Oh God. Did I just re-invent slavery?”
Adrian: “It must be so comforting to already know that you’re going to Hell when you die.”
Adrian and I can’t be the only ones with dumb ideas. What have you guys thought of or heard someone else think of?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Bex: “R n’ B singer Aaliyah in her song Try Again. ‘Cause if at first you don’t suceed, dust yourself of & try again’. Bitch please, look what happened to you. And secondly, no one deserves to have two A’s at the start of their name. Not even Jjesus.”