Things I Learned This Week That Either Say I’m An Idiot Or The Rest Of The World Sucks

07/18/2011 · 84 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare

1. While I react disappointingly favorably to anesthesia, I do not react favorably at all to the amoxicillin/hydrocodone combination. This was discovered as I lay on the floor in nothing but my panties on my ass and gauze in my mouth, sweating like a morbidly obese flamenco dancer shouting at Adrian, “GODDAMN YOU TURN ON THE FUCKING AIR CONDITIONER.” The house is approximately -40 degrees. It’s a lovely memory that I shall treasure forever.

2. I’m related to all of the bad guys from Braveheart. All of them. I have a documented family history of being an asshole.

3. I have a face that says, “TALK TO ME!” and a brain that says, “I’m going to verbally assault you and humiliate everything you’ve ever loved without ever meaning to. WHOOPSY DAISY!”

4. If I wait at the Apple store for an appointment, smelly teenage boys will awkwardly challenge me to Tetris tournaments on the iPads. They will be unaware that I grew up playing it on every known game system. I will shame them. They will still be smelly.

5. I should never tell people I’m a comedian, lest they find me after the show I’m seeing and pseudo-threaten me.
Man and horribly shithoused girlfriend: “So you’re a comedian huh? BE FUNNY THEN.”
Me: “Um, it doesn’t really work like that.”
Man and the tragically halter-topped woman: “You said you’re a comedian, so you have to be funny for me.”
Me: “Are you paying me?”
Man: *leeeeeerrrrrriiinggg*
Me: “You know, I’d rather wait on the street and take my chances with the bums.”

6. News corporations have just given the hell up with headlines like these:

  • Child Bodybuilding Becoming An Industry
  • Elderly Ignore Heat Warnings Meant For Old People
  • Darth Vader, Chewbacca Attend Church
  • Watch Sheen, Clooney Get Eaten By Bear
  • Daniel Radcliffe Was Very Unsuccessful Drinker
  • Gaga Egged In Wheelchair Stunt
  • Harry Potter and 007: Who’d Win In A Fight?
  • Brady Bunch Mom Got Crabs In Mayor Affair

7.  I found out on Twitter last night, in a conversation about achy taints, that I am a man. Had no idea. Thanks, Naked Cupcakes!

8. When mixed with water, put in a spray bottle, and left in a rather warm room, Oxyclean will burst free of its container and Ruin. Goddamn. Everything. It looks like a mystical elephant furiously came all over my laundry room what with the sheer quantity of filmy white stains that cover the walls, the appliances, the rugs, and naturally, the floor behind the fucking washer which will remain dirty until I move in many years because there is no cleaning that shit.

What did YOU learn this week? Is there something else I should have learned this week?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Andi: “I adore Rachael. Every time I go over there, she has the tag line, “Say it like you’re disappointed,” and I practice it a few times in my head. Every time. “Oh….Rachael!”

 

Jessica July 18, 2011 at 2:50 am

I heard from my sister that Braveheart shows a few scenes of angry Scottish men wagging their ding-dongs at the enemy. If you happen to have ancestors that belong to those men…well, I applaud the exhibitionist gene in your family.
Jessica recently posted..This is an erotica. Unless you’re a badass, DON’T read this post at work.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Sadly, I’m related to the folks who were horrified at the grotesque display of dick-waggery. I’m the super-black-sheep.

wagthedad July 18, 2011 at 3:50 am

I do that Rachael thing, too.

I learned that if you wipe it down with vinegar, and then this lavender shit made to clean up ammonia, and then spray lysol on it, and then use another cleanser, then you can get old man piss stench off the walls and floor.

Don’t ask. I am the only person in my house apparently capable of cleaning a toilet. The only one capable of recognizing that “that funny smell in the bathroom” is piss and not “a funny smell” you’ve never smelled before and are just discovering, like you’re in the fucking Andes and you see some kind of new ‘shroom. It’s PISS. If you don’t want to clean it up, fine, but don’t pretend to be stupid.

These are all things I can’t blog about because they are about the wonderful people I am living with. And I mean that in both the cynical and the pure lovey-dovey sense, because they really are wonderful. They just suck at identifying and removing odor, apparently.

Also I’m the only one who cleans the litter box.

But none of the above helps anyone. I used the Lysol last. Use that first. It will make your bathroom smell like cheap vodka, but you won’t have to use any of that other shit.

Great post, Noah. Have you ever wondered whether you might be allergic to penicillin? I am, and didn’t find out about it until I became a grown up. My lips swelled up like Mick fucking Jagger.
wagthedad recently posted..If Rock Stars Were Porn Movies

Noa July 18, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I tried to mop up the encrusted oxyclean today, and turns out, that shit turned to cement on my baseboards. Fuck yes, I rented. That shit ain’t my problem. I’m sorry about your awkward pee problem. I have a similar problem with cat puke.

Jaclyn July 18, 2011 at 8:21 am

My friend celebrated her divorce this weekend and we went out and drank a lot. And what I learned is that if you tell a bartender you just got divorced, they will give you free shots of Jameson (which you will later puke back up into the street).

I also learned that Twitter is an amazing place for all the ridiculous shit that gets said when I’m drunk.

And finally, a hobo’s taint is the appropriate place for the wedding ring from your failed marriage (it’s kind of funny that you would mention taints… apparently there’s some sort of taint theme running for me this week).

Oh and also I attract guys that look like McLovin. Yeah.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Okay, wait now, what? A hobo’s taint?

The rest of it was awesome, but I have no fucking clue what the hell is going on with that hobo’s taint.

Jaclyn July 19, 2011 at 8:01 am

She brought her wedding rings along when we went out drinking and so I asked her “what do you want to do with them?” and she was like “I don’t know”. And I was like “why don’t you just throw them down a sewer or something” and she was like “I don’t know, I want to put them somewhere that will make me feel better. Maybe I’ll pay a hobo $10 to shove it up his taint”. Then I said “you know the taint isn’t actually a hole right?”.

In the end, she lost one of them while she was dancing and the other one she threw into the street after she puked. It was a magical night.

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Yeah, if it went down a sewer, she probably got her wish if placing it gently upon the taint of a bum.

nadine July 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm

i should have just put out an ad on craigslist in “misc romance”
nadine recently posted..This One’s for the Curls

iampisspot July 18, 2011 at 8:29 am

This week, well today in fact, I learnt that Victoria Beckham gave birth to a baby girl, 11 days ago.

I am not a fan of the Beckhams, so I wasn’t particularly interested in their new addition, however, I was most perturbed that a) I had no idea that Victoria Beckham was *even* pregnant b) the gestation period for a human is 9 months, which indicates that I *somehow* did not learn of this news, IN. 9. WHOLE. MONTHS. HOW?

The Beckhams are literally plastered all over every newspaper, gossip column and the ENTIRE internet, and yet I still managed to miss this information.

I suspect alien abduction or similar.

Thoughts?
iampisspot recently posted..Pussy lovin’ ladies and red hot lesbians.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:09 pm

To be fair, even news outlets didn’t give a shit about her baby because the last thing anybody needs to be reminded of is that skinny whore will look amazing no. matter. what.

You didn’t miss much. She had a gorgeous fucking newborn and looks like she eats a half leaf of lettuce a week.

Abby July 18, 2011 at 8:49 am

That’s quite a week. Go pour yourself a cocktail.
I learned that when the heat index is 105 for 10 days and I don’t have air conditioning, I meltdown–physically and emotionally–and cave into buying a wall air unit I have no f-ing idea how to install. Cue paying someone to do it, and if it doesn’t get done today, I will flip my shit.

I also learned that after four days on Twitter, I’m kind of addicted. Plus, I’m even more bitter towards my job, as the .01 % of enthusiasm I had for said job has jumped the ship onto the bitter bandwagon containing my hopes, dreams, air conditioning and time that could be spent on Twitter or actually doing something enjoyable. At least I can covertly Tweet about it, but still… I’m planning how a stapler injury can get me workman’s comp.
Abby recently posted..Backseat Driver

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Oh God–I hope you get some air conditioned relief very soon because there is nothing worse than having no A/C. Well, starvation. And death. And maybe cancer. Okay–so it’s not the worst thing ever but it is pretty fucking terrible.

Also, Twitter only gets more addicting as you go on. Welcome.

Jaclyn July 19, 2011 at 8:04 am

hot damn. I discovered the magic of Twitter myself this week!
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I love it. Twitter is fucking awesome.

Tans July 18, 2011 at 8:51 am

I do not react well to Dilotin and Codine, which brings about the same reaction. After having a breast reduction 5 years ago, I vividly remember laying on the bed in nothing but my bandages with the a/c cranked up, all the windows open and a fan pointed directly at me while Fireboy was wearing a track suit under 3 layers of blankets. I couldn’t be bothered to figure out what was wrong with him because my epidermis was about to spontaniously burst into flames.

Re: smely teenage boys. I am the master of Tetris. Go ahead, step up, then go cry to your friends when I whoop your ass. Of course, if you’re cute, I may let you beat me in a game of Guitar Hero. You can even play it on expert while I’m fumbling across the easy board. But really, what IS that smell? It’s like Tommy Hilfiger + Taco Bell + Mountain Dew + 36 straight hours of gaming. I challenge you to a shower, dude. Go forth and bathe.

Oh, and Harry Potter and .007? My money’s on Daniel Craig’s fine ass. Harry may have a wand, but Daniel Craig has a gun in his hand and a wand in his pants. Judging by the satisfied Bond girls, he knows how to use both with expert precision…
Tans recently posted..Random Butt Jokes from the Tour de France

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Considering that Harry Potter is an “unsuccessful drinker,” he’s got nothing on Craig. Not a goddamn thing. Neville Longbottom though–that’d be different.

I learned long ago I’m allergic to codeine, as I was methhead awake for 48 hours after taking a small dose. I’m not sure what’s worse now.

Zombie, Esq. July 18, 2011 at 9:08 am

I really want to put Oxyclean in a bottle right now. Watching it explode would be as close as I’m capable of getting to housecleaning at the moment.

Also, reading the word “leeing” typed like that totally gave me the pleasant mental image of taking some dudes face and smearing it across a plate glass window. I bet would totally sound like “leeeeeeerrrring.”
Zombie, Esq. recently posted..Random Thoughts on Law

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:15 pm

DON’T DO IT. When it mixes with flat paint (thanks apartment! That’s not a bitch to clean!) it turns to cement. There’s nothing to be done, just mystical cum stains forevermore.

I love the idea of leeeerrrrrinnnggg being the slidy-face noise. Appropriate, because we were, after the incident, on either side of a bay window. Fucking. Creep.

ColinP July 18, 2011 at 9:19 am

Once again Noa you have totally made my day.

I have 2 comments about reacting to pain killers:

#1 – after I had the first set of mutant teeth removed (yes I elected to go through this delightful procedure twice) I was on the same shit you listed above. Thankfully it was winter in NY so all I needed was an open back door. However I was so fucked up everything was happening in slow motion. Apparently I was watching TV when a friend stopped by to check in on me. He told me that he said hello and about 5 minutes later my head turn to face him and five minutes after that my eyes followed. To this day he gives me shit about it and I can’t remember a damn thing.

2# – Many many years ago my mother broke a bridge (tooth variety not commuter) and needed emergency oral surgery. However they could not see her until the morning. Now the pain (so I am told) was immense and the only pain killer that would work at all was codeine. Little known fact, my mother becomes psychotic on codeine. I discovered this fact on the longest 5 mile drive of my life as I drove her to the surgery. To be honest I am not entirely sure how she survived the drive…
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Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I’m imagining you taking 6 hours to make a bowl of macaroni and cheese on painkillers and walking sooo sloowwwllyyy though an exploding building. Honestly, it’s like you’re a superhero.

What the fuck is it with codeine? Codeine is the worst drug known to man–you’re either a fucking psycho, spontaneously combust, or an overnight methhead.

hoodyhoo July 19, 2011 at 7:21 am

I LIKE IT. If you don’t want yours, I’ll eat it.
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Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Done. In the mail. That’s not illegal, right?

Leauxra July 18, 2011 at 9:35 am

Yeah, I react poorly to codeine. It actually gives me a migraine of such epic proportions, you can feel my pain from a mile away.

This week I learned that if I am spending the day with my good friend who is making my bridesmaid dress and going out of her way to help me, and I go over to help her size it and to work on the matching vest, and we are sitting at the same table and there is no ventilation because we have the AC cranked, I should, under no circumstances, accept food that comes from Taco Bell.
Leauxra recently posted.."Lucky" Rabbit Feet

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I’m honestly more concerned about the words “bridesmaids dress” and “matching vest” being used so cavalierly in conversation here. I kind of feel like your friend deserves that shit for making you wear a vested dress.

Leauxra July 19, 2011 at 10:45 am

OOoh, yeah. I didn’t write that very well.

No no, my dress is lovely. We are making a vest so my boyfriend, who is also in the wedding, will match me. Which is going to be so damned cute.
Leauxra recently posted.."Lucky" Rabbit Feet

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I see. Okay, now it’s much better. I was like, “FUCK YOU FRIEND,” when you were talking about a matching vest. But now, she’s a cool friend.

Bryn July 18, 2011 at 9:53 am

I learned that trying not to throw up until you reach the bathroom causes the vomit, which doesn’t give a shit if you are near a toilet or not, will lodge itself up your nose. Learn from my mistake, then tell me what the solution is cause I have no friggin idea.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:19 pm

HRRRCCCKKKK. Oh God owwwww. Oh Dear God.

KRrRRCCKKKk HRRCK HRCCKkk.

Fuck.

Also, I fucking love your name.

Andi July 18, 2011 at 9:57 am

Yay, favorited! I don’t have any funny drug interaction stories because the only drugs I can remember being given are the numbing pain shots for the dentist. Which don’t work on my dental pain but still manage to numb EVERY OTHER PART OF MY FACE and make it impossible to swallow, which panics me. Gah.

What did I learn this week? Never mix alcohol, coffee and soda. My skin looks better if I sleep in my makeup. The cat rubs against me to get the drool off, not because she’s being affectionate. Small children who are allowed to go outside multiply exponentially. Rock salt is bad for cars. Salt spilled in the driveway and not immediately rinsed off will solidify into a mass that looks like a horse just came on your driveway and it calcified. When my parents send me a letter or box, I hide it in the hope it (and they) will go away after a while. Hmm, I don’t think I’m actually learning much from my life lessons.
Andi recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Isn’t Four Loko a combination of alcohol coffee and soda? I’m convinced that Four Loko is actually a douche-trap a-la RAID for ants n’shit.

Secret? I totally sleep in my makeup, too. And I FUCKING LOVE IT.

Miss Sassy Pants July 18, 2011 at 10:17 am

Apparently I am related to both Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Elizabeth.

I guess I have a documented family history of being a bitch.
Miss Sassy Pants recently posted..My family reunions always include wine, corn syrup and high blood pressure.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I have the Stewarts (as in Mary Stewart) on one side, and the Tudors on the other. We hate fucked our way through the UK.

Jennifer C. July 18, 2011 at 11:04 am

I learned that if the guy you just started dating still lives with his Baby Mama for “financial reasons” then they’re still fucking. I learned this the hard way, by the way.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Let’s talk about this guy. Let’s talk about why you were dating him. Let’s talk about why that guy needs to be slapped in the dick so many times.

The Young Girl July 18, 2011 at 11:32 am

What I learned this week..

When using an depilatory cream (in this case Magic Shave) to remove hair from the whoo-ha region do not place the cream on or around the anus. This will result in hopping around the bathroom screaming “OOOW OOOW OOOW!” and your husband laughing at you.
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Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I once knew a guy who rubbed icy hot on his b-hole and sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I imagine it being very similar.

Bill G. April 27, 2013 at 9:07 am

I can back up that story. When I ran cross-country track in high school (a sport that involves running 3.2 miles through the forest so that you get all scratched up by tree branches and bushes, you usually have to jump a creek with muddy banks so that you slip and fall in while trying to make the jump, and you’re guaranteed to get all kinds of bug bites and stings; it’s all the terrible things about camping compressed into 20 minutes, what the fuck was I thinking?), there was about half a dozen guys and girls that were all into using Icy Hot, don’t ask me why.

One dude rubbed it so high up on his thighs that his balls were rubbing against it. About 5 minutes into a wind-sprint workout (don’t know the difference between a “sprint” and a “wind-sprint”), he fell to the ground, grabbed his balls, and rolled around screaming. He also told us that the cold shower that he managed to stumble over to did nearly nothing for him, the effects just have to wear off.

A week after that incident, another guy got some some Icy Hot on his b-hole (don’t know how or why) and also reported that cold water did nothing for his ass. I don’t know why people use Icy Hot. If I have sore muscles, a hot bath does more for me than anything else.

barefootorbust July 18, 2011 at 11:45 am

I learned I have an incredibly low resistance to the charms of beautiful, dark Italian men. :)

I’m sorry to hear about your drug reaction. That must have been hell in this heat.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I have extremely low resistance to Long-Haired men. I don’t get it, but I do. Your italian “issue” is, of course, not an issue at all.

Thanks for your support in my drug-fueled combustion.

Margaret Goerig July 18, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Wait. Why do you have to clean up after OxyClean? Isn’t that a blessing to have it go to that awful, unmentionable place behind the washer?

This week, I learned that drinking a margarita and a half at 9,000 feet altitude will turn you into a googly-eyed, wobbly-legged, room-spinning, tongue-wagging, squinting, nonsensical, narcoleptic teenager on schnaps and pot brownies. And that Phoenix really is as hot as they say, though I am sad to report that I did not have time to actually try frying an egg on the sidewalk.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:25 pm

That’s a fun discovery, isn’t it? One glass of Zin and you’re FUCKED UP like you’re a college freshman at your first party ever. And I can only imagine that being in Phoenix made it that much worse.

Margaret Goerig July 19, 2011 at 9:36 am

Except the hangover is also that much worse. And not to be a stickler for details but I am, so I might as well just own it: Phoenix was entirely separate from that; it’s down low, where the cacti grow.
P.S.– The fact that you reply to all your comments on here is a feat that never fails to impress me. I keep waiting for the day when you have grown way too huge to be able to do it, but in the meantime, it’s just really fun and thank you.
Margaret Goerig recently posted..The biscuit in Prescott

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Oh yes. Adrian and I visit his sister and her family each year in the Mountains for Christmas (I don’t think Mountains deserved to be capitalized, but hey) and without fail, I have one night where I drink 1/2 a shot and I’m fucked up, and the next night I’ll drink everyone under the table and be totally cool.

After both days, the hangover is deadly.

PS: I love responding to comments because I fucking love that anyone comments at all! I will try to answer as many as I can!

Angie H July 18, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I learned (by learned I mean discovered again after a full fucking year of avoiding it) that one of my girlfriends can throw back booze like a pro and can hang with the best of them until she gets to the bathroom. Once there, she becomes dead weight generally found laying on the floor of a toilet stall crying because she can’t pee and would like to vomit. This is the conversation that occurred when I became worried and went in to check on her:

“Get off the fucking floor. I am serious. The attendant just reported you. Get up. No you don’t have heat stroke. Get the fuck up now. I don’t care. Get on the toilet. I brought you ice water. Don’t set it under the stall wall. People are pissing over there. I MEAN IT GET OFF THE FLOOR BEFORE THE COPS COME.”

I learned that I’m mean to drunks AND nice enough to prevent them from being violated in jail.
Angie H recently posted..What We’re Looking For: A Mind Blowing List of Criteria Part 2 of 2

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:28 pm

My sister is that girl–she’ll throw ‘em back like a fucking boss (stage 1) and then she’ll start philosophizing (stage 2) and then she’ll cry (stage 3). The trick is leaving the bar as she quotes Einstein, I have learned. At Stage 3, she begins to steal shit off the walls of the bar.

You’re the best friend anyone can ask for–most bitches would leave their friends that way and fucking bail.

Grace July 18, 2011 at 9:10 pm

wait? I stole shit of the walls of a bar? I totally don’t remember this, which sounds about right. Also, I’m fairly certain that after about 10 shots I could solve the Afgan war, the debt crisis, and finally convince everyone that gay rights aren’t really a new idea…its called everyone created equal.

Noa July 18, 2011 at 9:14 pm

In order for you to create world peace, I just need to keep you shithoused. It can be done.

Rairy July 20, 2011 at 11:11 am

While on an out of town trip I learned a friend of mine should never be allowed to drink again. Her consumption of rum was impressive and so was watching her go from sober to falling down drunk on the elevator ride from floor 30 to the lobby.

After that I should have abandoned her to the wolves. Instead I manhandled her back to our hotel next door all the while cussing that bitch for taking me away from the fun.

I discovered if my mean ass bitch self has to haul your drunk person anywhere I will leave hand shaped bruises on your arms. I also learned I need to take notes about my evil mean cussing so I can repeat it in case drunk bitches black out and dont remember.

Lilscorpiosweet July 18, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I learned that heat + migraine = addled brain syndrome.

I was trying to be witty and come up with more Rock Stars that sound like Porn Movies for Wag the Dad’s post and ended up with 2. Which sucks because I know there is a ton more out there that need recognized! So I went back today and added to my post.

You’re welcome, Shane!

I also learned that sideways motors in vehicles are huge pains in the ass and not easy to fix.

Excedrine only works if you believe in it. There are days where I can take that shit like its candy and nothing happens and other days I take it and I am floating on a cloud of lovely chemicals combating the evil migraine monster.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..The horrible things I did as kid

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Shane’s a boss–he’s tough to top.

Ah, funny you should mention cars. I also learned this week that my Jeep (where the entire passenger’s side is totally non-fuctional and has more than 100,000 miles) will absolutely outlast three of Adrian’s sports cars.

I love your Excedrin comment. Fantastic.

Tova July 18, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I am calling my husband right now and telling him to empty the spray bottle of hot oxyclean and water that I made yesterday.

Best. Post. Ever.
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Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Hooray! Glad you liked this one, and that you learned something. The more you know…

Rachael July 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I am worried about the part up there where your face says something. I hear laser tattoo removal works pretty well.

I learned that that if you have to take a quiz on stress for your online summer Psych class while you have a debilitating migraine and are running on 6 hours of sleep in two days and your not-actually-in-laws-yet just left after criticizing your choice of light blue curtains because you should have gone with light blue, you totally don’t need to study for that quiz.
Rachael recently posted..Horrible Medical Advice of the Week: The Bible’s Got Your Answers

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Your pseudo-in-laws are just trying to help shit-test you on stress. That’s all–they care, okay?

No Ordinary Momma July 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I learned that if i pretend like I’m sick my husband will bring my dinner upstairs directly to my bed. There are 5 diseases that have no symptoms:
1. deep vein thrombosis
2. pancreatic cancer
3. silent myocardinal infarcation
4. hiv
5. diabetes
I recommend going with #1 or #3 unless you really want to commit to this for the rest of your life.
xo,
mich
No Ordinary Momma recently posted..how to fix a mullet

Noa July 18, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Adrian’s a human fucking lie detector. I can’t get anything past him unless I’m really hurting. Adrian’s turning me into a cutter because I’m lazy.

Misty July 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I have learned that the exact night when you desperately need photographic evidence of all the drunken shenanigans perpetrated by your family on your beach vacation, that is the night when the battery in your camera will die mid-evening, while you have a fully charged battery just mocking you from afar, plugged into the wall back at your condo, which is a half hour bus ride away.

I have also learned that with enough alcohol in my brother in law, he will become a topless lap dancer coming home later that nighton the bus, and get dollar bills put in his pockets by random drunken girls, while your stupid piece of crap camera phone, which has become your back-up, will absolutely not take ONE good, non-blurry picture of this absolutely priceless event. (I also learned that I apparently love run-on sentences, as evidenced by the prior sentence. Damn!)
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Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:19 pm

The Camera Paradox. It slays us all.

When my brother in law drinks, he just dances like a frog. I’m sad I don’t know yours.

Tazer WP July 18, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I learned last week that if your dog decides to eat a 5# box of sugar, there’s no going back. That shit, when mixed with dog saliva on the floor, turns in to evil, sticky cement. And to top it off, makes the dog sick as a rabid porcupine.

Lilscorpiosweet July 19, 2011 at 12:08 am

Wow.. I never had that happen when sugar hits the floor in my house.

My dogs can eat 5#’s of sugar and/or chocolate and not bat an eyelash. Not even have the creeping crud either. My dogs must be mutants.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..The horrible things I did as kid

Tazer WP July 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Damn! Lucky you! Pretty sure FatAzz is a mutant too… but I think the fact that he ate the jar of peanut butter, including the plastic jar (GONE) really upped the ante this particular time.

Now the large tin of cocoa powder? No reaction.
Tazer WP recently posted..How to appear suspicious to cops

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Grace’s dog eats whole sticks of butter. Grace will lay them out to thaw, and Maggie will snatch that shit up and then she shits lighting for a week.

Tazer WP July 20, 2011 at 11:43 pm

HAHAHAHA!!! Poor Grace! FatAzz ate a pound of butter yesterday, ironically, for the same reason (thawing on the counter). So far no lightning shit yet, but holy balls, his farts could be used in biological warfare, and win.
Tazer WP recently posted..How to appear suspicious to cops

hoodyhoo July 19, 2011 at 7:08 am

1. I do not see the problem. This is a perfectly normal occurence in the Hoo Household…
2. I think I’m related to the guys your relatives killed. Quit that.
3. I also have that face — further proof we are each other’s evil twins.
4. If I go into the Apple store, I will come out Amish.
5. When you’re on the radio, people want you to “do the voice.” It’s my voice, I was already doing it.
6. News is HARD, fuck off. And it’s SUMMER, and it’s HOOOT, and all the stories are OUTSIDE…
7. Then we’re totally getting married. Sorry, Adrian.
8. Know what’s impossible to clean up? Spilled cleaning products.

And I make it my personal goal not to learn things other than song lyrics and dirty limericks.
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Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

8: AIN’T THAT THE GODDAMN TRUTH. What cleans up lysol? fucking nothing. Nothing at all.

Angie July 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

I am so happy to learn that someone else “reacts disappointingly favorably to anesthesia”. I am a whole different bitch after going under and coming out. When I come around I respond with demands to provide me with a pack of clove cigarettes and more potent drugs than the lame ass shit they just shot my thigh with. I scream, shout and make everyone uncomfortable within three floors of me. I squeeze any wrist/hand/arm that comes near me with great intention of bruising them, hopefully breaking bones and tendons, I want them to understand how serious this situation is. Although, I haven’t broke anyone’s arm yet, but I have bruised several. When my demands aren’t met, I start cranking it up another notch by shouting the words slowly, so that everyone understands the urgency of my situation. Two or three days later, after finally healing to some degree, I apologize to everyone and act as if it’s completely normal and the demon has been released from my body. Did I mention this is also done with my new found case of turrets?

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I was just sleepy. You fucking win, yo.

momiss July 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Now, this is the kind of information that I find useful.
I am thinking of trying the oxyclean bottle in the teenager’s car. Surely this heatwave would explode it during the hours of 4am-10 pm, which is the only hours the car is ever parked. Muahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa
Menopause isn’t so bad if you take the opportunity to ENJOYEEEEEE it. lol

Noa July 19, 2011 at 3:28 pm

That would be rather enjoyable to watch, and to listen to the aftermath of. Let me know what happens!

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

FORREALZ? wow, i gotta try that little oxyclean experiment at home. i mean, not IN my home, cause you’ve just proven that’s a disaster in the making, but maybe i’ll leave it on my hot porch or something. that should teach Cal something. I don’t know what, but it’ll be fascinating and then i’ll ask her to clean it up. so she learns science and housework. fuck, i’m an awesome mom.

what did i learn? being an adult is hard. especially if you’re immature and stupid. like me.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oxyclean will ruin all your shit. I had to try to clean it when we moved out (because I wasn’t moving a goddamn washer to clean it before then.

That shit can’t even be painted over.

RebeccaLK July 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm

I learned bathroom time for a mom equals constant interruptions. No wonder I am so constipated all the time!
Kids equal Mountains of laundry…. folding is useless.
All the neighborhood cats are now labeling me as the Crazy Cat Lady
and a remote that takes five seconds to change a channel has a severe death wish! lol
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I would have smashed that goddamn remote.

Teala July 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Those are some good lessons to learn.

I learned that there are, to use your word, a LOT of twatwaffles around no matter where you are. These douche-canoes will intentionally or unintentionally try to keep you from moving on, moving around, doing something you want/need to do, etc., because, quite simply, they suck balls. Therefore, you must keep going and move past them. Don’t let them dictate anything for you. And if it comes to it, tell them “suck my elbow.” Then just do whatever it is you want/need anyway.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Some people are good. Most are giant assholes. You just swim past them eventually.

Zane June 6, 2012 at 5:00 am

If it makes you feel any better, I’m related to all the bad guys, as well.
My grandfather’s family were the Dukes of Northumberland, and also horrible, horrible people.

Or those damn Celtic peasant should have stayed in their place. Just sayin’.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Silly peasant bastards.

Bill G. October 6, 2012 at 10:37 am

Real headline from a few months ago: Teen Recovering At Home After Fatal Accident.

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Bill G. April 27, 2013 at 9:20 am

I found out that my daughter is a mean drunk. When she went to the dentist last year at the age of 4, they gave her drugs to calm her down and it had the opposite effect. She was so belligerent that the dentist didn’t even try, he just re-scheduled the appointment. We got her home and sat down in front of a mellow DVD movie, then asked her what she wanted for breakfast. She sat there and screamed, “PANCAKES!!!!” over and over until we could get some cooked and put in front of her. I can still hear that in my head when I try. PANCAKES!!!! Oh dear god.

The ironic thing is that ever since that hell-appointment, she has been a total angel at the dentist’s office without drugs. So I guess it was good to get all the drug-fueled aggression out of her all in one shot.

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