1. While I react disappointingly favorably to anesthesia, I do not react favorably at all to the amoxicillin/hydrocodone combination. This was discovered as I lay on the floor in nothing but my panties on my ass and gauze in my mouth, sweating like a morbidly obese flamenco dancer shouting at Adrian, “GODDAMN YOU TURN ON THE FUCKING AIR CONDITIONER.” The house is approximately -40 degrees. It’s a lovely memory that I shall treasure forever.
2. I’m related to all of the bad guys from Braveheart. All of them. I have a documented family history of being an asshole.
3. I have a face that says, “TALK TO ME!” and a brain that says, “I’m going to verbally assault you and humiliate everything you’ve ever loved without ever meaning to. WHOOPSY DAISY!”
4. If I wait at the Apple store for an appointment, smelly teenage boys will awkwardly challenge me to Tetris tournaments on the iPads. They will be unaware that I grew up playing it on every known game system. I will shame them. They will still be smelly.
5. I should never tell people I’m a comedian, lest they find me after the show I’m seeing and pseudo-threaten me.
Man and horribly shithoused girlfriend: “So you’re a comedian huh? BE FUNNY THEN.”
Me: “Um, it doesn’t really work like that.”
Man and the tragically halter-topped woman: “You said you’re a comedian, so you have to be funny for me.”
Me: “Are you paying me?”
Me: “You know, I’d rather wait on the street and take my chances with the bums.”
6. News corporations have just given the hell up with headlines like these:
- Child Bodybuilding Becoming An Industry
- Elderly Ignore Heat Warnings Meant For Old People
- Darth Vader, Chewbacca Attend Church
- Watch Sheen, Clooney Get Eaten By Bear
- Daniel Radcliffe Was Very Unsuccessful Drinker
- Gaga Egged In Wheelchair Stunt
- Harry Potter and 007: Who’d Win In A Fight?
- Brady Bunch Mom Got Crabs In Mayor Affair
7. I found out on Twitter last night, in a conversation about achy taints, that I am a man. Had no idea. Thanks, Naked Cupcakes!
8. When mixed with water, put in a spray bottle, and left in a rather warm room, Oxyclean will burst free of its container and Ruin. Goddamn. Everything. It looks like a mystical elephant furiously came all over my laundry room what with the sheer quantity of filmy white stains that cover the walls, the appliances, the rugs, and naturally, the floor behind the fucking washer which will remain dirty until I move in many years because there is no cleaning that shit.
What did YOU learn this week? Is there something else I should have learned this week?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Andi: “I adore Rachael. Every time I go over there, she has the tag line, “Say it like you’re disappointed,” and I practice it a few times in my head. Every time. “Oh….Rachael!”