The Final Confessions of Dangerballs Gavin

07/13/2011 · 152 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Social Services

By the time you read this, I’ll have died a horrifically bloody death during which I suffered greatly. I’ll have left this world in the most absolutely metal way ever–on a river of my own blood, riding dental tools straight past the gates of Hell on my way to Heaven motherfuckers, because I like children and dislike judging people.

Which is code for: I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed today.

This sheer terror is what I imagine it’s like to be shot at while dragging your disabled child from a fire while zombies emerge from your cellar with spray bottles of acid.

Because I’ll never see you again, I have a few things I want to get off my chest before I die.

1. I’ve broken my right wrist at least twice, and been to the hospital for it–never.

2. I don’t have a college degree, and I’m constantly at war with myself as to whether I really need one.

3. I actually think I want kids, but I’m terrified I’ll be the worst parent ever.

4. I’m left handed, but write with my right hand, and since my handwriting sucks with both, Adrian won’t let me write checks. Also thanks to my ambidextr-idiocy, I have a really hard time telling left from right, forcing Adrian to give me directions using terms like, “Take a Steering Wheel,” and, “Make a Dashboard.”

5. I considered suicide when I was younger. I’m very grateful I didn’t make that choice. I hope I never feel like that ever again.

6. One of the only good memories I have of my stepfather is when he started a fight with the Golden Corral manager in Orlando because my sister wanted the chicken strip meal instead of the buffet. Seeing him white-knuckled around that poor ginger’s red vest and almost dragging him outside over chicken was a glorious and irreplaceable time in my life.

7. I’ve been through 3 separate and terrible types of abuse. It made me very best friends with my sister. I got lucky.

8. I knew I wanted to be a comedian at a minor league baseball game (Go Dillas!) with my family when I was 6. I did my Dolly Parton’s Dancin’ Boobies routine, KILLED THAT SHIT, and from then on, I’ve only ever wanted to be funny. As a direct result, Funny is the only thing I’m really good at.

9. There are only two natural disasters that have not destroyed something of my family’s, but that day is not far off, I presume. When the day comes that a Fiery, Lava-strewn Tornado rips through Texas, you’ll know I’ve jinxed us.

10. I miss my dad, who died when I was three, but I think Leo, my mom’s husband now, is one of the most fantastic people I have ever known.

11. I don’t know why you read this, or why you like it, but I am so immensely grateful, each and every day, when you do. Thank you for reading.


I didn’t die, and was disappointingly lucid after anesthesia. I’m sorry I couldn’t be funny then, because Adrian was planning on videoing my recovery and posting it for your enjoyment.

Anything you’d like to confess?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Handflapper: “Why can’t feelings rape work the other way ’round? “Have a good day.” “No, YOU have a shitty day.” If someone tells me to smile, I tell them to cry and then maybe I’ll smile. I might even laugh.”


Kella July 13, 2011 at 1:32 am

…Also thanks to my ambidextr-idiocy, I have a really hard time telling left from right, forcing Adrian to give me directions using terms like, “Take a Steering Wheel,” and, “Make a Dashboard.”

Bucket of fucking win.

This actually presents you with an advantage that most of us don’t get: you’re already fully fucking prepared for the day when Alzheimer’s renders you unable to tell the difference between a Japanese toilet and your husband’s work shoes in the midst of a complete fecal crisis. I mean, come on: you’re constantly getting yourself lost already… you’ll totally be prepared for that shit at 50. I mean, just substitute the “I don’t recognize that hooker, because I’m fairly certain the last time I saw hot pants that color was on Broad Street and Fourth…” with “My! I’m so glad we decided to take the eskimos to the water park! And doesn’t Aunt Beatrice look lovely in her bathing shorts this evening?”
Kella recently posted..Thug Slytherin 4 Life, Boyyyyyy….

Noa July 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I love that you just made my idiocy now seem like such a perk. “Hey, it’s cool, cause I can be just as awesomely fucked up when I’m old!”

Kella July 13, 2011 at 10:09 pm

That’s me. The question, when you’re old, is never “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” It’s: “Hey! Who the hell pissed in my goddamned water?! …Oh, right, that was me…”
Kella recently posted..Thug Slytherin 4 Life, Boyyyyyy….

Noa July 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

I only want to be as awesome as my great grandmother who found great delight in cussing at the nuns who ran her nursing home. She was amazing.

Leslie July 13, 2011 at 5:19 am

Funny is one thing you are really good at. I’m sure that someday you will be good at parenting, too. The fear that we will suck is what brings us together. I am proud of you for posting this list.

I wanted to tell you to check to make sure your shirt is on correctly before and after the dental adventure – when I woke up from my wisdom teeth I was instantly NOT WISE, for I told my mom “this feels exactly like smoking pot” and that I was convinced the dentist had been inappropriate with me since now my shirt was on backwards. Only one of those things turned out to be true.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

1) Thanks for the support!
2) I read this comment before I went in, and when I woke up, I do remember asking the nurse if my shirt was on correctly.

Leslie July 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Did she leer suggestively after you asked her? Otherwise, switch dentists. Because if someone is going to torture you with a damn little metal stabby thing they better have a fucking sense of humor.

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Didn’t get a good look, sadly, she was stabilizing me as I was walking like a newborn giraffe towards Adrian’s car. She was super cool when she was prepping me though, so I have hope.

Jessica July 13, 2011 at 6:54 am

Entertaining, as always. (:

And I’m sure you would be the coolest parent ever. When I have a kid, I’m going to be the mom who gives her daughter a dildo on her sixteenth birthday and watches pornos together on Friday nights.

Also, I’m sure you’ll survive the dental assault. Good luck.
Jessica recently posted..The 400th post: I’m going to try not to make a reference to a vagina.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Thanks, Jessica! I survived.

Also, whoa. Coolest mom ever.

Abby July 13, 2011 at 8:07 am

Since you’ll be reading this AFTER you have your teeth pulled, I’ll tell you that I had the most horrific wisdom teeth experience every. It was my senior year of high school and I had to be rushed back in for emergency “fix it” surgery because I couldn’t stop bleeding out of the holes in my mouth. Two days of that, a head that exploded to the size of a pumpkin and missing my last week of high school (the high point, actually.)

The only upside was the ice cream and pain medication. Other than that, it sucked balls.

I would like to be serious with my confession, but that would hijack your comments section. Instead I will say everyone had their own story–some good, some bad, some tragic, some inspiring. Mine is a mix of it all. Thank you for sharing yours ;)
Abby recently posted..Sometimes I Forget

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Sadly, I woke up this morning early and read some comments before I went in. I was terrified after reading this, but it totally wasn’t bad for me. I’m sorry you had to deal with that fucking horror-fest, because I wouldn’t wish that on most people.

Also, fuck yes pain meds.

Leauxra July 13, 2011 at 8:12 am

Yeah, I was poor when my wisdom teeth impacted and shattered. All 4 of them. I went to a place I like to call “Dr. Nick’s House of Pain” to have them removed. While I was awake because I could not afford anesthesia. The sound of a board being pulled off frozen grass will never be the same.

Good times.

Also, I totally get the right/left ambidexter-idiocy. Except that I have nice handwriting. Only if I use the left hand, I forget and write backwards which is awkward. I use “Turn driver’s side” and “turn passenger side”. I am so happy I am not the only one that does this.
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Dear Sweet Jesus, I will never be the same after reading this shit. My wisdom teeth were growing in perfectly sideways like the little a-holes they were, but I got Adrian to spring for Anesthesia. I am so thankful now.

I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only one who can’t to Left and Right in directions. Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone.

Leauxra July 14, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Damn. I am so sorry, I didn’t meant to scar you for life.

If it makes you feel any better, my memories of the ordeal are fuzzy, the way that I understand mothers forget the pain of giving birth or something. I THINK I remember a knee on my chest as he yanked though.

But it was that or let my face fall off. I have some pretty expensive teeth, truth be told. Them bitches have expensive taste. A crown? REALLY? GET A JOB!
Leauxra recently posted..Come Play With Us

Noa July 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Goddamn you’re funny.

And now I understand why I have a large bruise on my chest.

Jaclyn July 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

You are awesome and my absolute favorite blogger. Lemme address a few of your confessions.

1. That is absolutely bad-ass. I broke a toe once and my mom told me to suck it up and wouldn’t take me to the hospital and I limped for 3 months. I was 8.

2. I feel you here. I was poor as fuck and the government would have paid for me to go to school but I was too busy following around my fuckwit of a boyfriend and I lost my grant money. I worked in retail for 10 years and hated it- HATED IT. But I realize now that the only thing that was truly holding me back was my fear that I would not succeed if I tried something else. Having time to spend with my daughter was my motivator and now I have a job I love.

3. Let me tell you something- you will not be a bad mother. I think the biggest thing most people fear is that it’s going to take away a part of who they are and what they can do. And that they don’t have the patience and that they will start resenting the kid for taking away their freedom. And yeah, you lose a little freedom. But here’s the secret: just be who you are, with less cursing (and hell, you don’t even have to curse less till the kid start repeating you- I recently accidentally taught my daughter the word asshole- I made a blog post about it actually- READ MY BLOG NOA, I am desperate for your approval :) ). Obviously you will have moments where you wanna go out or do something and you are just like “well fuck, I can’t bring this kid to a bar”. But those moments don’t outweigh the good by a mile. And I don’t treat my daughter like a kid, necessarily. I treat her like a person. She is allowed to have opinions and I didn’t just change everything about who I am as a person because I felt I was “supposed to” be a certain kind of mom. You can be yourself and be a mom. It’s easier than you think. And I think you would be awesome at it, because more than anything you need a sense of humor. How else do you deal when someone shits on you? You fucking laugh. That’s the only way.

I’ll continue in another comment…this shit is getting long
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I’m glad to hear that about having children. That gives me hope for the future.

Lorilei July 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

You are two scoops of awesome, and never fail to make me laugh my ass off! Thanks, and good luck today. Hopefully it’s not as bad as you expect it to be.
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Thank you Lorilei. You don’t know how happy that makes me to read this comment! (And it totally wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been. I was out, don’t remember much at all!)

Rachael July 13, 2011 at 8:27 am

I confess that I also don’t know left from right, and I’m also left handed, and in fact, most of the left-handed people I talk to have difficulty knowing left from right, and I attribute this to the fact that so many kindergarten teachers like to tell people that right is the direction of the hand that you write with as a useful mnemonic. Fuck you, kindergarten teachers, for propagating this right-handed world we live in.

I confess that I don’t really know why people find me funny and I’m kind of embarrassed about it and terrified to describe myself as funny or tag my blog posts with “humor” because I think someone will show up and be like “NO.” And then I’d cry. And this keeps me from joining the League of Funny Bitches. I should get over it.

I confess that I’m with you on the college degree thing, even though I’m on the path to getting one. I keep wondering: why am I *doing* this?!

I confess that I don’t feel a bit bad about what I’m about to confess.

I confess that when I got my wisdom teeth out, I got dry sockets. Most people tell this as a horror story, but I didn’t even notice until about a month later, when the bacteria from my mouth crawled up the dry sockets and into my sinuses, because my wisdom teeth had connected my mouth to my sinus. (This doesn’t happen with everyone.) It resulted in a horrible sinus infection which, rather than draining through my nose, drained directly into my mouth. Constantly. I was in high school at the time, so I went to the school nurse to tell her that my mouth was full of pus and I needed to call the doctor. She wouldn’t let me call, and I had to beg just to get gauze pads to bite down on so they’d absorb the pus and I wouldn’t taste and swallow it. I went through gauze pads like Edward Cullen goes through bedframes (JUST to give you an idea of how horrifying it really was). I still had to sneak into the bathroom to call the doctor to get an appointment that day. Chewing gum or using a straw resulted in gushes of pus into my oral cavity. It was the worst of times.

Okay, I confess that I feel *sorta* bad about that. ‘Cause now you’ll probably be scared for a month.
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Rachael July 13, 2011 at 8:30 am

OH. And I use “take a Rachael” and “take a (passenger)” to know which way to go. And I think you’d probably be a way better mom than you imagine. Just the fact that you want to be one indicates that you probably would. The fact that you even care that you might be bad at it is an even better indication, because a bad parent, much like the honey badger, doesn’t give a shit. Good luck on your surgery. Sorry for terrifying you. It probably won’t happen.
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:10 pm

HRRHHHRRRCCKKKCHRRCKKKKKK about your wisdom teeth. I totally read this before I went in today, and I was sad that I did, but it totally wasn’t that bad. Yet.

Let’s address that humor thing. Humor is subjective. Not everyone will like your humor, but everyone, in some way, is actually funny. There are people who don’t think what I write is funny at all, and that will be the same for you. But you do yourself a disservice to think they’ll immediately hate it–you’re holding yourself back! I say this because I had the same debate in my head for a long time, and when I stopped second-guessing my humor, my writing improved. Be brave–you’re fucking hilarious.

Rachael July 13, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Aw, thanks. I am glad your surgery did not go as horrifically as you expected! I hope you don’t end up with pus-y tooth holes.
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Noa July 14, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I’m grateful for every pus-free hour that goes by.

Jaclyn July 13, 2011 at 8:33 am

4. That’s just fucking weird

5. I had 2 friends who committed suicide and it’s just something I never could understand. They were young- one was 19 and the other was 22. I’m pretty sure you are close to my age (maybe a few years younger? I’m 29) so I think you will agree that your perspective can really change in a matter of a few years… if only they would have waited till the hardest parts had passed, I think they would have realized how much they had to live for. You’ve referenced the abuse you suffered and I’ve got to figure that was a factor in all of this, so I can’t really relate on that level, but I will say that though I never contemplated suicide, when I lost my son I definitely had times where I just thought “wow, I just want to die so I can be with my son already”. And while the sadness of that time is always with me, I can see it in perspective now and I can see why I’m glad that it didn’t happen. You are a strong bitch, Noa!

6. My stepdad is almost 70 and on oxygen for COPD. I think the most physical thing I’ve ever seen him do is get himself a cup of coffee.

7. My mom, like you, was victim of 3 separate kinds of abuse from the time she was like 5. Her mom was a drunk who didn’t give a shit about her, she found her brother, overdosed on heroin in her bathroom when like 12 and she had a cousin and uncle who molested her from a very young age. One of her brothers used to beat the shit out of her and told her how disgusting she was all the time and her mom would
actually send her away from the dinner table when he got home because he would say he couldn’t eat while he looked at her. What all of this made her realize is exactly what she didn’t want for her own kids and she’s the best mom ever. You can (and it seems you HAVE) overcome this kind of shit.

Fuck… one more comment and I promise I’m done
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:14 pm

#5: I’m 24, so not too far off either way. I’m so sorry they didn’t get past what they were dealing with, because I can attest that it’s so much better on this side of things. There are too many people who didn’t get the help they so needed.

#6: My stepdad is far far away now, and I couldn’t be more happy about that. If I saw that son of a bitch today, I’d kill him.

#7: Abuse will linger with you forever–it, like grief, is something you can move forward with, but never get over. Some part of me wants to have kids so I can see what a normal childhood looks like.

Jaclyn July 14, 2011 at 8:03 am

My mom got married at 21 and was pregnant within a month. She always cites how shitty her childhood was as a major reason why she wanted to have kids so early (and why she had so many- there are 4 of us). She just wanted to have the family she never had growing up. And you hear a lot of people (::coughcaseyanthonycough::) who do shitty horrible things to their children and they try to blame their childhood and I just think that’s bullshit. My mom dealt with it all that shit and it made her a BETTER mother. She knew how shitty it was for her to deal with all that and she knew she would never do that to her own kids. My mom is fucking amazing.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 7:50 pm

She sounds absolutely amazing.

Jaclyn July 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

8. I’m very glad you made that choice. I’m not kissing your ass or anything- you are my favorite blogger ever.

9. Sooo… you are saying there are tsunamis in Texas? I’m just asking.

10. Sorry about your dad. That blows.

11. I read because you are funny but that isn’t the only reason. I read because I feel like I know you. I don’t feel like I’m getting your very best version of yourself. I think you put yourself out there and you don’t edit out the negative stuff to make yourself more appealing to a mainstream audience. It seems like you write for yourself and not just because you want to be famous or whatever. You aren’t afraid to be ugly or cheesy or have a bad day. People either like you for who you are or they don’t and I LOVE that about you. I also love your stories about how you are when you drink- the tranny story was priceless. It reminds me of the trouble I get into when I’m drinking. I’m not much for editting the shit that comes out of my mouth when I’m sober so I can get a little ridiculous when I’m drunk. I think we would have the awesomest time ever if we went out drinking, but we would probably end up getting thrown out wherever we went. Or maybe arrested.

If you would like a confession of my own- here is a good one- I’m thinking of leaving my husband. Shhhhh….

Anyway, good luck with your wisdom teeth. I hope they are knocking you out. I had one of mine removed because it had become nothing more than a hollow shell for leftovers while I was pregnant because it had rotted almost completely through. I was awake and was told “don’t pay attention to the cracking noise- it’s totally normal when a tooth has this big a cavity”. Yeah, it sounded like my skull was being fractured. It didn’t hurt though. The worst part was actually the anesthesia because it took like 4 shots to numb me and then part of my throat and nose went numb and it felt like I couldn’t breathe and thats just freaky. Let me know how it goes!
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:20 pm

#8: So far, so good in that life choice.

#9: In hurricanes, yes!

#10: It’s okay–he died a very long time ago, and left behind so many friends who are always available to tell me about who he really was. I also look identical to him, so it is a fun natural connection that I have with him.

#11: I cried when I read this. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that makes me to read this. I have no words for how awesome that was to read.

Your confession: I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but either way you choose, I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for!

Rachel July 13, 2011 at 8:51 am

Everyone has a different wisdom teeth experience and you will have already gone under the knife when you read this, so let me just say MINE WAS AWFUL. The anesthesia made me talk to my sister about inappropriate sexual things. I am allergic to antibiotics so I was constantly worried that my mouth was getting infected (especially after throwing up from my various medications). I had horrible, horrible pain for over a month after the surgery and was unable to take the pain medication they prescribed because, as I mentioned, it made me sick. Therefore I popped Tylenol extra strength like nobody’s business (this did nothing). Did I mention this was over Christmas break during college, and that my pain lasted into the next semester? For the record it is impossible to learn while in horrible pain.

My fiance on the other hand was able to eat solid food and smoke within an hour of coming home from surgery. He had no pain or swelling or crazy bleeding. Damn boy. Fairly sure I ate all his pudding snacks though…

1. A “friend” of mine broke my left wrist when I was in 11th grade. I told my mom I did it diving off the bed to save one of my pet mice from my cats. I only just told her the truth a year ago. She was kind of pissed.

2. I have a college degree and I’m going something completely unrelated to it. I recently interviewed for a low level position in my field and they turned me down. It sucks.

3. I want kids but I have crazy anxiety that keeps getting worse, and I’m afraid that it will make me a bad parent because I’ll be so uptight and angry out of fear.

4. I have horrible handwriting. However, I can write backwards fluently. If that counts for anything.

5. I also considered suicide as a teen. Also very glad that I didn’t go through with it.

I am sorry to hear of your abuse and your father. Truly.

I have never experienced a natural disaster, but I am fascinated by them.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:25 pm

After the surgery, I can tell you that Adrian and I had the exact gender opposite of this. Adrian also had his pulled over christmas break in college, and couldn’t eat forever, and lost a good 2 days to pain and sickness. I am doing fine–I’m achy, but otherwise, not bad. The worst part right now is that my stitches feel like I have something caught in my teeth.

#1: My mom just turned my wrist back around the right way (it was facing the wrong direction. Yum!) and ace bandaged that shit. She told me to stop bitching. My mom is awesome.

#2: Question for you–did having a degree, even if it wasn’t in your current field, help you land the job? I genuinely want to know.

#3: Same here.

#4: I get physically sore after writing more than a few sentences. But, I’m a superfast typy typerson.

#5: High fives for those who stayed to see the other side. Shots on the ground for those who didn’t.

My abuse and my dad have taught me that there always is another side, and though shitty things happen and tend to stay with you forever, you learn to use that.

In a sick way, I’m fascinated by natural disasters, too. It’s like I’m constantly testing myself with readiness.

Karen Courtin July 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

Why do we read you?? Silly, silly girl – speaking only for myself – I get almost giddy when I see that you’ve made a new post. You speak (write) the things that I am thinking and could never manage to convey so funnily (is that a word?). My day is always made a little better by reading you. Good luck with the wisdom teeth thing – I, myself, have an irrational fear of the dentist – and so commend you and salute your bravery.


Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Karen, this was so wonderful of you to say. I’m glad that what I do actually makes someone other than me happy. Also, I’m totally fine after the dentist–I can attest that if you find the right dentist, it’s never as bad as you think it will be.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Also, thanks for signing your comment with three x’s. It made me think of porn and that made me happy.

Karen Courtin July 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

Forgot to mention how awesome you are for sharing Funny Bitches with us – there is nothing that soothes my soul more, when the yahoos I work with have driven me almost to the point of shaving my head and running down the street naked, than to take a time out and read some of the amazeballs blogs (the ones that my douchey work internet hasn’t blocked yet, btw) you’ve introduced me to. For serious, you are keeping me sane!!!

xxx (PORN – YAY!!!),

Noa July 14, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Glad you enjoy them! I shall keep it up.


ColinP July 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

Sadly I have no confessions, but having gone through the horror that is oral surgery to have my mutant wisdom teeth removed I can say that it gets better. Now I say mutant because only 1 of the 4 actually grew straight down. 2 were coming in sideways which meant that as they grew they were pushing my other teeth forward and 1 never erupted at all. Additionally I have mutant roots as well since they have all grown extra far into my jaw bone. I imaging them giving the dental industry the finger and saying “Fuck You PIG! We ain’t coming out without a fight!”

All in all this meant I HAD to see an oral surgeon and it also required that part of my jaw had to be chiseled out so that the bastards could be removed. So, fear not for it should be over quickly and if you can get knocked out for the surgery you will be happier for it. Also if you haven’t already done so stock up on the milkshakes and canned peaches because there will not be any solid foods in your future for a few days. Oh and you might want to pick up new pillow cases, I bled like a motherfucker afterwords.

I love your writing and I am so glad you didn’t decide to check out early.
ColinP recently posted..Brooklyn’s Finest?

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Mine were totally sideways, too, making my x-ray look like a fucking bulldozer. As far as I know, there was no jaw chiseling (fucking OUCH, yo), so you win the prize in being a badass today.

And thank you–I’m glad about that, too.

K. Tizzy July 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

I got my wisdom teeth removed literally yesterday and am reading this with a bag of frozen peas on my face. It takes me a half fucking hour to eat a pudding cup. It will look like you’re smuggling testicles in your cheeks in a few days. But everyone feels obligated to do shit for you and pain meds. Hell yes pain meds.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:34 pm

I read this out loud today at the dentist and the nurse cracked the fuck up at “smuggling testicles.” I hope she keeps using this term for her patients.

Andi July 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

Noa, we read you because you are the bright spark of hilarity in a dreary world that tells us to take everything seriously. Taking things seriously does not actually improve the situation, hasn’t anybody noticed? So. I rebel and take everything frivolously.

I had a great wisdom tooth experience. I only had one, which made my mom say, “Oh, that’s why you’re so stupid.” AWESOME, Mom. Anyhow, it came out easily and I was eating pizza and Oreos afterwards. Which probably means any advice I might have is useless but oh well.

Confessions…I’ve considered leaving the Hubs a few times, but it’s always been easier to stay and fight for our relationship. I am really, unbelievably lazy — as is he — and taking care of that kind of paperwork ain’t happening with us. I’ve considered suicide more than once — I finally realized it was a chronic condition for me, and all I had to do was pamper myself and wait it out. I come from the sort of background where I shouldn’t have had kids and I sometimes think I’m a terrible parent. BUT I have 3 kids who seem to be doing ok in school, get along with others, and aren’t terrified of me the way I was afraid of my mother. I’ve been told by everyone that matters that people who are worried about being a bad parent usually are the ones who do just fine.

Also, I have horrible handwriting but that was because I skipped third grade and never learned cursive. My printing is awesome. I can in fact tell my right from my left but only because I was mocked for not knowing it so often as a kid, I had to learn the difference in self-defense. My parents were married 4 times each, and my mom’s third husband was the only one I really liked. He was an awful husband, which makes me feel guilty, but then again my mom is impossible to live with. I ran away so many times as a kid, it’s ridiculous.

Oh and the college degree? I have one, and it did open doors for me when I would have otherwise been a starving 20-something. But I hated college and I still don’t know if it was worth it. So I can’t help you there…..sorry.
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Andi, you are fucking wonderful for saying that.

First off, my wisdom teeth experience thus far as not been that bad. They ache, but not much more than that.

Secondly, It’s amazing what mutual apathy can do for a relationship, because you know at the very least, neither one of you are going anywhere.

Third, I think skipping 3rd grade cause you’re a fucking genius makes you above cursive.

And fourth, I keep trying to tell myself that I wouldn’t regret getting a degree, but I can’t shake the feeling that thinking that is just bullshit.

Zombie, Esq. July 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

You will totes survive and carry on being hilarious. In other news, I hope they give you your teeth as you leave, because that was the highlight of my experience and I am just going to go ahead and assume you’re the kind of person that’s into souvenirs.
I reacted badly to anesthetic and my surgeon ended up carrying me across the parkinglot over his shoulder to stuff me in the back of my mom’s shitty Buick (which was parked next to his BMW). I had a scrip for painkillers and a baggie of teeth clutched in one sweaty hand. The day was compounded by my dad grinding up my hydrocodone and putting them in a glass of orange juice for me to drink, because he was afraid I couldn’t swallow. Sweet, but disgusting. Oh, the memories!

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I also cried reading this comment, but for entirely different reasons. They didn’t even OFFER me my teeth, and I totally would have kept them because I’m a freak like that (one of them was a molar-and-a-half bigfoot tooth). I’m also kind of pissed that my dentist didn’t carry me out, because they made Adrian drive to the front and apparently I rode in a wheelchair, but I don’t remember it at all. And then Adrian’s tire had a blowout.

Zombie, Esq. July 15, 2011 at 9:07 am

The teeth they give you are totally still all grungy too, and sealed in a little baggie. I’m waiting for the perfect time to throw them at people for drama’s sake. Maybe someone else you know will have their teeth removed and you can steal them. Teeth is teeth, right?

And if my mom had had a blowout driving me, I probably would’ve had to be the one changing the tire. We have bad luck with that kind of stuff.

Glad you’re alive!
Zombie, Esq. recently posted..Be Bold and Full of Awesomesauce

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Teeth is teeth, yo. That was deep.

That’s also what she said.

Heather Heartless July 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

Wisdom tooth extraction is the most pleasant dental surgery I’ve ever had, and there have been many. If they say “root canal”, say “FUCK ALL Y’ALL!” and run.

The fact that you’ve experienced all of that, had the courage to write about it to shit tons of people, and still have an incredible sense of humor tells me that you would be a wonderful mother. Trust me. Pain doesn’t always beget more pain, it usually just means that you’re going to be awesome at not inflicting it upon your children. Go forth and procreate, Noa, so that some awkwardly amazing demi-humans may know your greatness.

Confessions of the Heartless:

1.) I, too, have suffered through a few kinds of terrible abuse and still have hang ups about some of it.

2.) I emo-tempted suicide a few times in high school, and that was before shit got really bad. The bad shit later made me feel stupid for trying it before. I’m pretty good with the living now, but I still have moments.

3.) If I could murder the people that attacked me through torture and without repercussions, I’d do it. In fact, I’d video tape it and show it to other victims so that they could live vicariously through my insanity.

4.) I feel that knowing that I’m funny makes me some kind of jackass and when people don’t laugh at/with me, I want to hit them.

5.) My ADD makes it hard for people to love me. Getting that “Shut the fuck up” look from your own mother is a little rough sometimes. I’m sorry, I can’t quit talking and my Kevin Bacon Brain Syndrome makes it near imposible to follow me when I get started.

6.) I literally want to have my sister committed.

7.) I was molested by someone that I still love dearly and see as frequently as time and money allows. I’ve never told anyone about it. As a shrink put it, “It’s not just my secret”.

8.) When you picked me for Funny Bitch Friday, it felt like I won the lottery. The stats and comments have blown up and I’m overwhelmed by the fact that people actually seem to like what I do. It validates my dreams and makes me want to shove it in the face of my “best” friend whose highest compliment towards my blogging is “Not your best work *shrugs*”.

9.) I secretly hope that you blog while you’re still coming out of anesthesia, which was not a luxury I was afforded for the same surgery. They wrapped a towel around my eyes, gave me some numbing shots and ripped that shit out. That’s the second time I’ve heard “HOLY SHIT!” in the middle of surgery. It had shit on it, yo. That shit had been EATING my fucking jaw bone. EATING IT.

Good luck, lovely Noa. May the League force with with you.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your confessions with me. When I read yours, it makes me feel very much not alone, and reminds me that no matter what I’m going through, there are other people in the world who are surviving the same things. If they can make it, then so can I.

I was also totally lucid about 10 minutes after I woke up. It was totally sad.

Heather Heartless July 13, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Group therapy was/is a wonderful thing… and you feel way more normal after it.

Just think of how boring we’d be if we weren’t so fucked up. Here’s to all of us that grew up to make tasteless “Help! Help! I need an adult!” jokes.

That IS sad. I’ve never been put under before, but I beg every time they clean my teeth. Shit hurts, yo. I hope they gave you a shit ton of vico-dans. Holding the vat of ice cream to your face as you’re eating it is also helpful.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Broke My Brain

Noa July 14, 2011 at 7:59 pm

It’s been cherry limeaid slushes, vicodin, and shitty TV for two days. So, you know, glorious heaven.

Justine July 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

I had my wisdom teeth out two years ago in August. Which means I spent all of July two years ago with a horribly infected mouth I could barely open. Everything below my eyes was swollen and I gave myself dual ear infections. Most miserable time of my life – I had to keep postponing my surgery because I didn’t have insurance or qualify for CareCredit. Apparently you can’t just go to places and exchange money for sevices anymore?

The actual surgery was great, probably. I freaked out right as they were knocking me out and cried in front of a bunch of dental assistants and they were very nice to me. I woke up in a different room and got to have ice cream (at 9am! best day ever!) and take pain killer induced naps.

I had no pain or swelling after, but stayed on a liquid diet for a few more days just in case and then the pain killers started to make me itchy and I had to give them up. I lost 10 pounds and came thisclose to quitting smoking. I had a friend who went to the same surgeon and she said she was able to eat pizza for dinner the night she got her wisdom teeth out.
Justine recently posted..Things! (this week)

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Cash: it spends like real money, and sometimes, if you pay cash, it’s much less than if you used your insurance. Also, fucking weird when people won’t just let you pay them for services.

Your dentist gave you ICE CREAM? Jealous. Mine gave me soup.

Justine July 14, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I’m not sure where the ice cream came from, I just know that I magically had some upon waking up. And The Price is Right was on but I got kicked out of the recovery room before the showcase showdown. Who does that to a person?!
Justine recently posted..Things! (this week)

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:01 pm

My God. That’s a human rights violation–how are you supposed to live without knowing who wins the showdown?

Tans July 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

“3. I actually think I want kids, but I’m terrified I’ll be the worst parent ever.”

It’s funny to see you write that, because I think you’d kick ass, and I don’t even know you. I either hold random funny bitches on the internet in high esteem or I’ve just seen too many people fuck their kids up, and it’s because of them being OVERLY parented. Rarely because they haven’t had good parents, because there’s mostly always someone who will step in to tell the kid right from wrong.

In my life though, once the supreme decision was made, cocktails were drank and celebratory sex all over the house was completed, I feared I had made the wrong decision to NOT have kids. Why?

Because I’m AWESOME.

Truly. I would be a kickass mom. Why should the world lose out on a kid reared by someone as level headed and cool as me? I’d be the one who owned the house where all the kids wanted to hang out. I’d be president of the school athletic booster club (but not the PTA, those whiny moms and I wouldn’t mix), a safe haven for all those loser moms to be jealous of and a chaperone when it was finally time for spring break in Cabo.

I’d rule. I had no doubt about it. So why didn’t I breed and ensure the future of an awesome kid?

Because I’m lazy. And I’m not afraid to admit it. Midnight feedings? Your dad can give you a bottle. Scrapes, cuts, bruises, illness? YUCK. Laundry? Uh, do your own. School science fairs, fundraising, you want to take dance classes/hockey lessons/play lacrosse? Find your own ride.

So yeah. Me? Not really mom-material. But unless you’re trafficking illegal immigrant toddlers with cuban cigars stuffed up their bums across the border, I think you’ll be ok. ;-)
Tans recently posted..Up and Running

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:50 pm

The laziness factor is one of the many reasons I’m terrified to have kids. I love waking up at noon and looking at all my nice shit and sometimes not making food and just eating tortillas and A-1 for dinner.

Jaclyn July 14, 2011 at 8:16 am

you get over the laziness too. Toddlers are fucking exhausting. But not every kid is a morning person. My daughter sleeps till 10 most days!
Jaclyn recently posted..Damn it Feels Good

Tans July 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Now see, if I could pre-order a kid who stayed up late, slept in late, ate whatever I wanted it to and appreciated quiet? I’d be in like Flynn!! LOL

All seriousness though, it took us a looooong time to come to the decision we’ve made. Like 5 years of marriage long. I don’t think I’ve ever thought so hard in my life. But once we stopped thinking, we just knew, and I can happily say that we’ve not looked back.

I stand in awe of good mothers everywhere. They are truly special people!
Tans recently posted..In Defense of Elton John…

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:03 pm

@Jaclyn–I want that kid. But not in a creepy way.

@Tans–Is it so much to ask for child adoption to be a little like PetFinder, where you can select ages and activity levels and house training?

KatieTheBlogLady July 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Thank you for sharing your confessions. Personally, I am glad you chose humor to get your through the shitstorms. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? RIGHT!

And, good luck getting your wisdom teeth out today. I really enjoyed coming out of my experience . . . all fucked up in the mid-afternoon at a Jamba Juice with my mom. She really got to see me in rare form – well, rare for her. It was a hoot.

I have a few confessions too:

1. Sometimes I read my blog Spam because there is a lot of positive feedback and it really motivates me to keep pluggin along.

2. I’m missing my lateral incisor and have to wear a goddamned retainer with a fake tooth on it. Also, I refuse to spend the $5000 it would cost to get an implant when that same money could get me a PAIR of extra large tits.

3. I used to fake injuries as a kid to get attention.

4. I was really mean to my sister growing up. But she deserved it. KIDDING! And, luckily we are BFFs today.

5. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

6. Almost everyone I come in contact with annoys me. If I did not have my husband and son, I could easily become a Buddhist monk, seriously.

And . . . there are more, but I don’t want to overshare – which is quite unusual for me!

Good luck Dangerballs! I know it won’t be the last time we hear from you – because that would not be hilarious. And, that’s sooo not you!
KatieTheBlogLady recently posted..Scammers Gosta Scam.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I just pictured you as Allie from Hyperbole and a Half’s post about the Park and her dental surgery, because you are as awesome as Allie.

Also, thank you so much for your confessions. I’m glad I’m not the only one that reads all my spam comments and has no idea what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. I think that whole speech about, “life planning,” in jr high is just a lie.

KatieTheBlogLady July 14, 2011 at 11:57 am

As awesome as Allie!?! How high were you? I don’t care, I’ll take it! :)

Also, I’m finally finishing school (20 year plan) and although I too question the need for a degree sometimes, the truth is that I don’t want to be limited to what I can do because I don’t have one. So keep on keepin on my dear! YOU CAN DO IT!
KatieTheBlogLady recently posted..Scammers Gosta Scam.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:06 pm

See, that’s exactly the reason why I just want to get it over with–why limit myself because I don’t feel like it?

Kelly July 13, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I can’t speak for everyone… but I read you because you are open and real and you crack me up every time I read…

Good luck with your wisdom teeth… The last thing I remember before they knocked me out was thinking, “I thought I was supposed to count backwards……………” ha

Fingers crossed for no dry sockets – I had one. I sucked flaming donkey balls…
Kelly recently posted..Why Am I So Tired??

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I’m praying I don’t have a dry socket. I’d rather be punched in the face than have that.

Also, thank you so much for your comment about why you read me. It made me so very happy to read that.

Cheryl S. July 13, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Here are my confessions (and some answers to yours)

1. Having your wisdom teeth out SUCKS. The “smuggling testicles” poster above is about right. Enjoy your darvoset.

2. The fact that you are worried about being the “worst parent ever” means that you will definitely NOT be that. The worst parents ever generally think they are WONDERFUL and can’t figure out why everyone else thinks differently.

3. You are very very good at funny. What makes you that way is the truth that is in your posts. That’s why I read.

4. I, too, contemplated suicide at one point. I’m really glad I didn’t do it. (And that you didn’t do it either)

5. College is not for everyone. I went, but I used school to hide from life (thank you untreated depression and anxiety). I wish I had gotten worse grades and had more fun.

6. I’ll give you one REALLY good, juicy confession. I love my husband (that’s not it). But, I sometimes wonder if I got married because I wanted a baby. My daughter is the light of my life and sometimes I feel like SHE’S what I needed, not the hubby.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:55 pm

1. Allergic to darvoset, but goddamn vicodin is awesome. No wonder Dr. House is high all the time.

3. Thank you so very much. That means more than you know.

5. I can’t figure out why I loathe college so much. I was a 3.9 GPA in high school, and I have a 4.0 of the credits I do have in college. But I HATE it.

6. I think as long as you love them both, then you are more awesome than 50% of this nation who love neither.

Mrs. Papagiorgio July 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Oral surgery is much like childbirth with the horrible story oneupmanship and whatnot.

You know what happened when I had my wisdom teeth out? Nothing. Well, okay, my lack of gag reflex disappeared, much to the sadness of Mr. P. So, in exchange for not having four teeth burrowing into my jaw, I’m slightly less awesome at bj’s. Fair trade. (Mr. P does not share that sentiment.)

As for the rest, well, it all adds up to the fact that you are one of my favorite people of all time and it bums me out that you don’t live closer. And, well, you know my opinion of college degrees. (Or maybe you don’t. Answer: not great. I’m masochistic. Should have been a plumber. Want to be a plumber with me? We could totally dress up like Mario and Luigi.)

Now then, go eat some pudding. None of that tapioca shit, though.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Now I’m going to have to try to see if I lost my gag reflex now. Adrian will be so happy.

One of these days we will live close enough to be awesome together. And when that day comes, when we are the “Hey, It’s-a-me, Your Plumbers!” all will be right with the world.

Also, my dentist totally sent me home with a goody back. It included pain meds, pudding, and soup. I think I cried with happiness when I saw it. I don’t remember though.

Joie July 13, 2011 at 1:49 pm

OMG! I feel your pain…Ok, well I mentally feel your pain!!

I am 30 and have been told since I was like 17 that I need to have my wisdom teeth taken out.

Bunch of bullshit.

I am TERRIFIED to do it. I even went as far as to go to an oral surgeon and get a prescription AND an appointment for surgery.

I didn’t go.

So tell me all the horrid details…I want more reasons to NOT want to do this until my teeth are in so much agony that only Jesus Of The Tooth Fairies can pull me from the hell I created for myself.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I got a rather stern look and was told that if I had waited much longer, I would have broken ADA regulations on removal of wisdom teeth. And then I remembered that my sister in law got hers out at 28.

If it makes you feel any better, I was near pants-shittingly scared when I went in this morning, but it’s totally not even close to as bad as I thought it would be. I had total IV sedation, so I was out the whole time. I only remember sitting in the chair in the beginning and laughing with the doctor, and then waking up in Adrian’s car on the way home. The worst part is when his tire blew out on the way home. I’m only just kind of sore.

Don’t be afraid to go get it done (if you live near the DFW metroplex, I’d be happy to give you the name of my surgeon), just get a lot of good doctor recommendations from friends. I promise it will be okay.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I hate my family for causing so much pain and I’ll never forgive them. Ever. (this totally doesn’t include harv and cal, btw)
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: big boobs, big eyes, and quiet

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Elizabeth, thank you for sharing this confession with me. I’m sorry you had to go through all the pain that you did, but I want you to know that you are on of the most awesome people I have ever known. I am honored to call you my friend.

The Young Girl July 13, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I had my wisdom teeth taken out 2 years ago. I was really high for 5 days. My then fiance now husband came in at one point to find me rolling around on the bed saying “oh god! these sheets are so soft! i love sheets! these pillows are awesome!” I had enough vicodin to last me a week and a half and I took it all in 5 days. I had dry socket so it was legit but still the most awesome high 5 days.

I read your blog because you are awesome and honest.
The Young Girl recently posted..Extreme Couponing!

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I am laughing my ass of at the image of you tripping on vicodin on your sheets–that is amazing. Thank you for your comment and your compliment.

Andi July 13, 2011 at 9:39 pm

You know what’s sad? I bought new sheets and totally did this. I can’t even claim being high on Vicodin as an excuse. It’s just, going from 150-count cheap-ass Walmart sheets to some proper 500-count bed linen was a revelation.
Andi recently posted..McCalls 6328 — For the Supremely Confident

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:08 pm

There’s something utterly magical about new sheets fresh from the dryer.

Misty July 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Dear Noa,

Turn that Frown Upside Down!!! :D

Hugs and kisses,

Mr. Happy Pants, President
The Happytimes Gestapo

But really, at least you get a good high and will get some good drugs out of it. Bonus! Good luck. I’m sure you will survive the ordeal and be better off for not having all those teeth in your mouth. I had 5 wisdom teeth. Yep, I’m super smart!! Although 1 has come out on it’s own, just last year, so now I’m like a normal person again. I dread surgery, but know it will probably be necessary sometime in the future.

Enjoy your ice cream and milkshake diet!!
Misty recently posted..Where’s my Sponsor???

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:06 pm

I lost my shit laughing when I read this comment. That was fucking amazing. And the vicodin is the most amazing shit ever. I had 4, and I pulled that rip cord and got them all out at once cause I never want to have to do this shit again.

Angie H July 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Dear Noa,

Shut the f*ck up, come down off the pain killers, and get your ass back here so we don’t have to stare at this same post for weeks. There will be no dying today. I’m sorry if that f*cks with your death plan.

My confession- I would miss you if you died from wisdom tooth extraction and I would totally think you were a big pussy. So hurry back sweetums. :D
Angie H recently posted..News at 11: Men want a woman who will bring them a beer, be happy, and put out.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Dear God this was fucking funny. I love that you called me out for being a pussy about this shit. It’s good that you did, too, cause someone has to call me on my attitude.

Also, I’m not dead. I shall bring more original content on Monday, and as always, Funny Bitch Fridays.

Jaime July 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

good luck.. you’ll be fine… my best friend just had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday…. and she’s ok… (well, I assume she is, I haven’t heard from her)

my recommendation?

get a McD’s milkshake (or whatever milkshake floats your boat) and crush your pain pills into it… drink it with a spoon… sit in a pain free daze for at least 3 hours.. preferbly watching a good movie or my favorite.. a great video game.. something like Final Fantasy that sucks you in for hours on end.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I’ll say this, I’m finally going to beat Dead Nation this week, and Netflix has already paid for itself.

wagtgedad July 13, 2011 at 2:52 pm

2 words:

anes thesia

suck it up. you will be fine. medical science is so advanced they can remove your eyeball without you feeling a thing.

be sure to save the teeth. you never know when they’ll redefine bling.

seriously, though, I wish you a painless removal of your wisdom. And that you not wake up with your pants unbuttoned.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:10 pm

1) Thanks for calling me on being a pussy as well. I love you for that.

2) They didn’t even offer me my teeth goddamn it.

3) I texted my brother in law a series of increasingly nonsensical texts, but other than that, it’s been totally fine.

Wagthedad July 14, 2011 at 2:52 am

1) Glad to hear that you enjoy my calling you a pussy. But being a pussy is better than being a twatwaffle.

2) They didn’t offer me mine, either, and back then I was a nice person, so I didn’t ask. I just remember a lot of shit being pulled out of my mouth, some of which actually looked like wolf’s fangs, and I thought that would have made a good necklace.

3) Did you reveal anything you wouldn’t otherwise have revealed? Do I hear a lawsuit brewing? It’s your ticket to the good life, baby.
Wagthedad recently posted..You Have Opposable Thumbs. Use Them.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Now that I think about it, my right boob was suspiciously sore.

Also, you totally shoulda snatched that fang right out of his hands. That shit would have been amazing woven into a necklace.

Tova July 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Please please please for the sake of the internet do a post while on painkillers. You owe it to your public or something.
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Johi July 13, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I agree whole-heartedly with Tova. (Hi Tova!) Please post as soon after the surgery as possible. Did you ever see the chick on Ellen after hers? Pure awesomesauce.
go here:
We love you because you are brilliant and hilarious and messed up- just like all the good ones. Good luck and get better soon. xoxo
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:13 pm

@Tova: I wish I was awesome on painkillers, but I just get really fucking hyper. Vicodin makes me spaz.

@Johi: That video was fucking hilarious.

@Tova and Johi: You both are so wonderful for commenting, and I’m sad I’m lucid because Adrian was totally going to video me and post it for your entertainment.

Rosa July 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

First, ambidextr-idiocy is my new favorite “word”.
Second, you are VERY good at being funny so please don’t stop.
Third, good luck today. Hopefully it won’t be as bad as you expect. I’m a severe denti-phobe so I feel your pain. But you’ll be ok. Take some meds and when you’re feeling better, come back and keep doing what you do best.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:15 pm

1) Adrian came up with that one when he married me. I don’t know why he sticks around.

2) That means more than you know.

3) You’re totally right, it wasn’t that bad at all. I was unconscious and have few memories (and some that are apparently fabricated, because Adrian told me that I did not, in fact, shout at him today). Otherwise, I’ve been chilling all day in bed and it’s been great.

Wagthedad July 14, 2011 at 2:56 am

I hope the please don’t stop wasn’t in any reference to your mentioning that you were thinking of stopping. That’s how nasty, life-threatening rumors get started.
Wagthedad recently posted..You Have Opposable Thumbs. Use Them.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I’m here, I’m here.

Rosa July 14, 2011 at 10:21 am

Whoever posted about the childbirth/dental surgery oneupmanship was absolutely right. Everyone tries to tell you their’s was the worst. I had my impacted wisdom teeth out and it was no big deal. Other than looking like Vito Corleone for a few days, no other complications. I’m glad yours went well and you’re just a bit sore. Vicodin is some good shit.
Also, on the motherhood thing? I thought I would be the absolute worst mom ever, for so many reasons. But my kids are good kids and they’re smart and funny and (the majority of the time :) I’m proud to call them mine. So I can’t have sucked at it TOO bad. You’ll be fine and you’re kids will have a sense of humor and a good understanding of right and wrong, b/c they’ll get that from you. You’ll see.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I’m entering that Vito Corleone stage right now, which is a fun side effect, but honestly, I’ll take that any day over being awake and remembering that surgery.

Thanks for the vote of confidence about kids. Adrian’s happy that I’m finally coming around.

The Wannabe Housewife July 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I enjoyed every word of this. Although some of the points touched on rough stuff, it makes you more human to me than just a an awesome blog writing machine!

1. Fuck a degree. They are overrated and seemingly worthless. I have found that through hard work I have accomplished more than any document with a “Congrats! We stole your money and youth and all you get is this lousy piece of paper!” ever has.

2. I want kids but they terrify me as well. I’m scared I will never be able to provide them with the life they deserve. Whether that is my anxiety or an actuality, I don’t know. I’m sure you will be a rockin’ parent and produce the most awesome offspring.

3. I read this because I enjoy your personality and humor and you give me something to look forward to. I hope you do this forever.

Please don’t die. If you do, I will have to boycott dentistry altogether and that probably won’t end well for me haha
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:18 pm

1) I feel the exact same way. It’s good to hear someone say that.
2) Someday, the time might be right, but I want to wait until I think I won’t fuck ‘em up.
3) That means a lot to mean to hear you say that. I hope I have enough material to write forever.

Nadine July 13, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Just the funniest thing I’ve read all week. You are an absolute talent.

If things start going south in the dentist chair, I would suggest you revisit your Dolly Parton’s Dancin Boobies routine.
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Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:19 pm

I REALLY WISH I WOULD HAVE READ THIS BEFORE I WENT IN. My hoodie was totally big enough for that routine.

barefootorbust July 13, 2011 at 6:08 pm


Getting my wisdom teeth removed, ( I will not tell you the story till after you have time to forget your experience), helped me summon up the courage to dump my abusive ex husband.

I am also left handed, semi-ambidextrous, and for me left and right are interchangeable. It is not uncommon for left handed people who are used to having to flip directions from a righty to have this problem. I have a mole on my right wrist and not on my left, so when someone gives a direction I look at my wrists. Still. And I am 36 years old. Same with feet. I have a big mole on the top of my right foot but not on my left, allowing me to fake my way through dance classes for years, as long as they didn’t try to force me to wear real shoes. One of the few times I have been glad I am a girl.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Your wisdom teeth experience must have been epic–and I am filled with an immense amount of pride that you left that bastard. Way to fucking go, ye of the immense ballseyness.

I’m so glad that I’m hearing that a lot of lefties have this problem. My teachers made me write with my right hand, so I just always did, and didn’t figure out till I was like, 20, that I was actually a leftie.

barefootorbust July 13, 2011 at 10:28 pm

They tried that with me. I learned to read and write before I went to kindergarten, so when I got there and they thought I should write with my right I got my knuckles whacked with a ruler. Didn’t deter me though. I knew what I was doing, so fuck them. My mom likes to tell stories about the notes the teacher would send home about my “bad behavior”.

I’m glad your surgery went well. My teeth were growing in sideways and tangled in nerves, so they actually had to break my jaw to get them out. And they couldn’t just leave them or my face would be paralyzed. My ex brought his kids home after I awoke from surgery and insisted I make them dinner. I was quite comical, but the last straw. :)

Enjoy the drugs, dude!

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:30 pm

I was too non-confrontational as a child. I just did what was asked of me. I am still kind of that way.

Also, yeah, fuck that ex.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Okay, I’m really confused. Maybe this is just my right-handed ignorance, but I thought punishing people for writing with their left hand was long over… Like, at LEAST 50 years. As in, “I thought this sort of behavior was reserved for the time period of Oliver Twist. And London”. Because, hey: I stereotype. Oops.

Wow. I think my ignorance of your left-handed plight makes me an enabler, or something. I can’t think of the word I want. I’ll just go hang my head in shame… Again.

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:26 pm

For me, it was less, “YOU DO IT MY WAY,” and more, “What the fuck do you know, you’re like, 4.”

Turns out, I knew more than that bitch thought, because she fucked me for life.

Rebekah Mae July 13, 2011 at 7:56 pm

At least you didn’t wake up in the middle of your procedure like I did. Oh yes I woke up, after they put me under, and I could hear and feel the drilling and cutting and OMG it was horrible. The Doctors never mentioned it, I’m thinking they were hoping I was so drugged up that I wouldn’t remember, but I remember. Because that shit just isn’t something you forget! >:O

And I have something to confess.

1)I have six names. No shit. I was born Tiffany (Blank) But then when I was adopted my parents changed my name to Rebekah (Blank, Blank Blank) That’s right, I have TWO middle names.

1.5)Oh and I often use my First given name when Creepers ask me for my name. I
figure I’m not lying to them because technically it was my name.

2)I used to hit my cat. But I DONT ANYMORE so Please don’t turn me in for animal abuse! Jesus.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:27 pm

About your wisdom teeth, DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS THAT’S HORRIBLE. I’m glad I read that now that I’m home safe in my bed.

1) That is fucking amazing. I always wish I had more names so I could sound like royalty.

1.5) Your parents gave you an awesome spy disguise.

2) I spank my cat when he does bad shit (which is not often). As long as he wasn’t ASPCA commercial abused, then I equate that with spanking your children–fine in moderation.

Grace July 13, 2011 at 8:12 pm

ok, so here’s the thing… (that’s just for you)

1. Mom text me today and said, “Berk should be out of surgery soon, I’ll let you know”
I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE HAVING THIS DONE TODAY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT REQUIRING SURGERY!! Then I saw a text from you that read, “Fuck Dentists, yo” and I knew what was going on. I almost shit my pants though.

2. You must get a degree, remember when I thought that was a bad idea, yeah not so much.

3. We might actually be shitty parents, I picture us kenneling our kids and just getting shitty. But, at least we’ll do it together.

4. I miss him too, everyday

5. Another good stepfather moment: “Your driver is Julio, and I am Bob”

6. Ride that Darvoset wave dude, and send me some. I have a RAGING sinus infection, and now, pinkeye too.

7. You are good at more than just being funny, you can can sauce too!

8. For all of your dear readers, I am at our Grandmother’s house currently, where there exists a photo of said “Dolly Parton Boobie Routine” I will look for it and post it.

9. You are my best friend too, I love you and I’ll see you soon.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 9:37 pm

1. Totally thought I told you about my wisdom teeth. Also, sorry I texted Damon such weird shit.
2. Okay, okay.
3. As usual, we’ll either be great or fucking suck at it together.
4. We always will.
5. I think both of those things happened on the same day!
6. I’m allergic to that, but the vicodin is fuckin’ sweet. It’s in the mail, homie.
7. To be fair, I’m labor when we sauce. You created the sauce.
8. I want that picture.
9. Love you friend. See you soon!

Satan July 13, 2011 at 10:02 pm

good news: you’re not dead from horrible evil mouth surgery!
bad news: no pictures of your boobs sent to your dad. sigh.
Satan recently posted..i made y’all some shit! you’ll thank me.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Right? It all kind of sadly balances out.

Lilscorpiosweet July 13, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Glad you pulled through the surgery just fine.

I don’t remember the exact year I got my wisdom tooth pulled but I remember having a small quarter sized manila envelope in which my wisdom tooth was stored. Apparently in my drug induced haze I had asked to see it and then asked to take it home. I think my Dr. and his nurse were confused because then I remember why I wanted it. I wanted it to scare my kids. How I was gonna scare them I have no idea.

Anyway the devil tooth was shaped like a cone-head. Which I guess I laughed hysterically about. I have 3 more in my mouth yet, that apparently are too scared to descend so in my mouth they stay. No way am I gonna have that shit cut out. I will live with the pain.

a few confessions of my own:

1. I always have had image issues. It has gotten worse since I became an adult and a parent. I feel fat all the time and the only thing getting me through is my boyfriend and of course my husband who for some reason, both love the way I look.

2. I want dd implants and to be symmetrical at least in my breasts. The rest of me can just lump it.

3. I like being pale. It reminds me of snow and milk and not being an oompa loompa to which I have a tendency to turn if I tan.

4. I was a horrible sister. I will post it on my blog it will be titled Alien boy. I also locked my brothers downstairs in my grandpa’s house and told them the witch under the stairs was gonna get them among other things.

5. I always think I am a horrible parent but when I am out in public people compliment me on how well mannered my offspring are so apparently I am doing something right.

6. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy towards cats/kittens. I am a dog lover in the sense that I can’t stand to see a dog/puppy stranded, abandoned or hurt.

7 I am also scared of getting my degree in Graphic Design because then that means I will have to get a real job instead of just surfing the net. I am also afraid I might screw up and be told I am not smart enough to have been a Graphic Designer. :( I also have a thing where I might be an awesome Graphic Designer and everyone will know it but I don’t feel worthy of the praise.

I think that is all for now.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..You can’t trust anyone pt. 2: Closure

Lilscorpiosweet July 13, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that your personality and posts keep me coming back. The way you word stuff makes me laugh and it also makes feel like we share a common connection in the respects to every day living.

Also? I am glad you didn’t die in a dental chair. I think that an awful way to die.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..You can’t trust anyone pt. 2: Closure

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Aww, thanks for the compliment. And for your confessions.

I’m right there with you about the paleness. I used to hate it, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s bothered me less and less.

Heather Heartless July 13, 2011 at 11:23 pm

What I gather from all of these comments is that funny = fucked up and afraid of dental surgery.

I’m starting to think that we were all grown in a lab… together of course.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Broke My Brain

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:21 pm

It’s probably a terrifyingly accurate depiction of our birth–a horrible government conspiracy to fuck up the world with us bitches.

Jes July 14, 2011 at 12:59 am

HOORAY! I’m glad you didn’t die during surgery! I had all 4 of mine removed at once, 2 weeks before I started college. I was on pain meds the first month because of a dry socket. Awesome.

That sounds bad ass and painful all at the same time. I broke my tailbone twice and thee wasn’t anything they could do for it… So when I was standing in my shower and I broke two on the toes on my right foot I didn’t even bother with going to the hospital… Just taped those bitches up and wore flip flops in the winter until I could handle normal shoes again.

I have a college degree and I don’t use it. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have gone into the military instead.

I have the same fear you do about being a parent…

I am ambidextrous and can write forward and backward and upside down with both hands.

I have also considered suicide, now I am so thankful that I never followed through, it’s way better now.

I was abused for a long time and didn’t know that there was emotional and verbal abuse until I got quite a bit older. Now I know and I have made a promise to myself that I will never treat anyone the way I was treated. I was abused by an ex boyfriend for a while… It took him going to jail for me to have the courage to leave him. I didn’t date after that for two and a half years because I was afraid that it was all my fault and I did something to cause it. I am so thankful to say that I am now married to one of the sweetest, most tolerant men on the planet.

I read your stuff because you always make me laugh.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I’m learning now that I really am an ambidextridiot, because it seems like all ambidextrous folks have special skills, and I just write poorly equally. Way to show me up.

Also, thanks for the compliment.

Margo July 14, 2011 at 1:34 am

I love this blog. You come up with funny shit I only wish I could. And then post it. Regardless what people may think. I was kinda surprised to learn I’m actually older than you. There’s something about your tone that seems more mature (in a good way) than I myself am. Or at least in a different stage of life that I am in no way prepared for.

It is infinitely sad at how many of us girls have been abused by someone, more commonly a family member. I myself was when I was 4 by who I like to call the Fucker Uncle. Refuse to call him by name. He actually fell into my grandma’s grave at the burial. Priceless. (Wow that was kinda bitter).

On to the wisdom teeth story. Mine were also growing in crooked and pressing on the nerves of molars in front of them, so they all had to come out. I was put under. Whatever they injected me with burned the fuck up my arm and made me tear up causing my nose to get stuffy. The really fun bit was when they had to keep waking me up because I would stop breathing and my heart rate would go down. I kept hearing “wake up hun, you need to take a breath.” So, I felt it all when I would wake up. Fuck that shit. I came out hysterically crying and my mom asks the nurse if I’m okay and she’s all “she’s totally fine, everything went fine.” Bullshit. I had to write it all out for her because my mouth was all full of gauze and tea bags. Yeh, I said tea bags.
Recovery thank god was fast and easy, pretty painless. My favorite part as disgusting as it is, and makes me feel like a 5 yr old boy- they gave me a plunger to flush the food out of the empty cavities after eating. For some reason I found it horribly entertaining.

Two words: Jello-O and Otterpops

And finally, I give you David:

PS. sorry for typing so much

Lilscorpiosweet July 14, 2011 at 2:45 am


Your video was so cute!

I also had to suck on tea bags.. Worst thing ever aside from the blood and gauze and what not from when my tooth was pulled.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Alien boy and the horrible sisterly things I did

Heather Heartless July 14, 2011 at 7:50 am

I always tell the dentist that there’s a 95% chance that I’m going to walk out the door and immediately light a cigarette, so they pack some kind of medicine pack in there before they suture it up. It helps a lot. I love the random chunks of bone that just come out for no reason.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Broke My Brain

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I FORGOT ABOUT OTTERPOPS. Also, that video is awesome.

Never worry about having long comments here–I love them. Your wisdom teeth party sounds just horrifying. Mine was not nearly so bad–I’m apparently very lucky.

I’m glad you made it through your abuse as well. It’s horrible and awful and no one should have to deal with it, but so many do anyway. Way to be a badass, yo.

bschooled July 14, 2011 at 4:38 am

Fuck if we weren’t soul mates in a past life. I have pretty much the same list as you.
Only instead of breaking my wrist twice, I broke my pinky finger in two places.

I waited two weeks, but eventually the pain was so bad that I had to go to the Hospital.
The Doctor said it was the worst finger break he’d ever seen. He gave me a cast that went down past my wrist.

Long story short, that night I lost both the cast AND my dignity at the bar. And I still have the crooked pinky to show for it.

ps. I’m so glad you survived!!
bschooled recently posted..The Most Contagious Viral Ad Campaign Since Nike’s “Just Do It”

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:48 pm

“Long story short, that night I lost both the cast AND my dignity at the bar. And I still have the crooked pinky to show for it.”

You should start all of your conversations with this, because it may be the greatest sentence ever.

hoodyhoo July 14, 2011 at 5:53 am

Didn’t they give you the good drugs? When I got my wisdom teeth out, I was fucking RIPPED — probably because Dear Sweet Mama and Poor Ol’ Dad followed the dosing procedure of “If she wakes up, give her another Lortab.” Yes, a nurse and a cop kept me stoned for a week… I may have been a hostage.
hoodyhoo recently posted..The Adventure Continues…

Heather Heartless July 14, 2011 at 7:51 am

I like your parents. I like them a lot.

Mine did something similar when I had bronchitis. “If you cough again, just take another shot of brandy.”

I was 12.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Broke My Brain

Dear Sweet Mama July 14, 2011 at 8:21 am

Dear Hoody – ever since you were a young child, we liked you best when you were asleep. Permission from a doctor to keep you so – priceless. We also saved on food expenses that week and were able to treat ourselves to something really good.
Love ya!

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:53 pm

@Hoody: Your parents set you up for success and stockholm syndrome. Which is the only way to parent, really.

@Heather: If you’ve never gotten to read anything by Hoody’s mama, you’re in for a lovely treat, because you may be Hoody’s sister.

@DSM: Like I said, the right and only way to parent. I’m taking notes.

Julia July 14, 2011 at 7:54 am

I refuse to have my wisdom teeth out. My twin sister had hers removed and she had to drink out of a straw for like 2 months and I will not have that happen to me (until I’m 102 at least)…

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Your adamant refusal is stunning. Keep it up.

Rairy July 14, 2011 at 8:33 am

My body did not come equipped with wisdom teeth. After reading all the horror stories in the comments I think I’m going to throw a party to celebrate.

I’m another lefty who doesnt know left from right. And when drunk I cant even manage the driver side, passenger side directions. Poor Dad regretted agreeing to be DD for my husbands birthday as I was almost too drunk to give directions home. Resorted to touching the window on the passenger side for right turns and pointing if at him left turns.

Glad you made it through yesterday with no disasters.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 8:58 pm

My grandad’s grew in straight–he never had to have them removed, the lucky bastard.

Also, I would love to drive your original directions, because I can only assume it was a direct path into a river.

Bethany July 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I thought I was going to die purely from the fear of getting my wisdom teeth pulled. Turns out, I didn’t feel or remember a thing except waking up, being led down the hall to a room to “recover” for 15 minutes or so, and having a garbled conversation with the guy “recovering” next to me about the kick-ass meds we were on. My darling boyfriend then thought it’d be a good idea to take me to Walgreen’s with him to fill my prescription (I guess I appreciate that he didn’t leave me by myself…) and video tape the ensuing ridiculousness. I fell on someone’s car in the parking lot (with them inside, of course), DEMANDED that my bf buy me 4 different kinds of chapstick, got scared shitless by a musical santa hat, and spent an exorbitant amount of time in complete awe of a giant disney snowglobe (which I ended up receiving as my xmas present… ya know, to commemorate me looking like a dumbass in public), all the while rambling on in complete gibberish thanks to the 16″ thick gauze compresses in my mouth. Good times.

The worst part, really, is that for the next several weeks, every time you eat you will get food stuck in the holes that your wisdom teeth used to plug up. It will be a pain in the ass to get it all out, and you will live in constant fear that you missed some and it will cause some insane infection. =(
Bethany recently posted..I think mean things.

barefootorbust July 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

My oral surgeon gave me this huge syringe with a pointy tip on it to irrigate after eating. Helped a lot, and now I use it to oil my spinning wheel and sewing machine.

Noa July 14, 2011 at 9:01 pm

If I didn’t know better, I would think that your medicated adventure was made up, because it sounds too glorious to be true. I’m jealous. We just ended up in a Walgreens parking lot when Adrian’s tire blew out on the way home.

I don’t have my syringe yet. I’m so sad. I wanted to make little flamethrowers out of big lighters and vodka.

Bethany July 15, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I thought bf was making it up as well… until he showed me the video. Let me tell you, I looked CLAAAAAASSY! ;)

Turns out I’m a little sensitive to anesthesia. Good to know.
Bethany recently posted..I think mean things.

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Do you….do you still have that video?

Bethany July 16, 2011 at 8:34 am

I believe that it’s still on his phone. I’ve made several ninja-like attempts at deleting it, but as it turns out, I am a terrible ninja. Bf catches me every time. =/ I’ll have to ask about it when I get home tonight.

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Oh dear God, that would be incredible to see.

chunky mama July 14, 2011 at 11:38 pm

My mom and I are both lefties, and we both suffer from that same left/right recognition impairment. My husband LOVES to tell me that something is on the right or left and then watch me pause for a few seconds while my brain struggles to interpret the information. Then he laughs at me. I laugh along too. And by “laugh along,” I mean “flip him off.”

Noa July 15, 2011 at 2:23 pm

What is it with lefties and our inability to discern real direction? Is it the oppression of the righties of the world, forcing us to conform to their lifestyle?

Heather Heartless July 16, 2011 at 1:54 am

I just want to point out that the Latin word for left handed is sinister… they thought lefties were evil because they were different.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Broke My Brain

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Fuck. They also thought that about redheads and people with green goddamn eyes and people with vaginas–so I might as well throw leftie in there and just be royally fucked.

Chunky Mama July 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm

I think it’s our ambidextrousity that allows us to flow so freely back and forth between left and right without really thinking about it. So when the righties try to force us to choose one or the other, our brain is all like “Whoa. Chill out, man.”
(So apparently, leftie brains are also hippies?)

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Now I’m mad at the hippie part of my brain for being fucking dirty and not having a job.

Norway July 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Is it too late to post my confessions?

1. I’m constantly afraid that I’m annoying my friends, and they don’t really like me.

2. I’m terrified of the future: Of living on my own, the fact that I have NO idea what to do with my life, and utterly failing in anything I try to do.

3. Because of aforementioned fear of the future, I have often idly considered Rachael’s idea of “preventative euthenasia”. You know, offing yourself before life starts sucking, so you don’t have to deal with the sucky part.

4. I’d never actually off myself. Ever.

5. I’ve never worn a two piece swimsuit. I don’t feel I have the body for it, even though I know I’m not fat.

6. Despite not being fat, almost all of my close friends are skinnier than me (they’re all built like twigs.)

7. I rebelled against puberty tooth-and-nail. I was determined, *positive* that it wouldn’t happen to me if I didn’t let it, even though I was the among first in my class to “develop”. As a result, I’ve always been incredibly self-conscious of my body and have trouble talking about my body. Or anyone else’s.

8. Other people seem to have no problem talking about my body, and it’s hard for me to tell them to stop.

9. I finally stood up to one of the people I mentioned in #8, but still talk to him even though I know he’s a creep. And I can’t see myself stopping.

10. For the past three years, someone (different each year) has stepped out of the shadows with seemingly the sole purpose to Ruin My Life. They have never succeeded, but there is always someone there who will cut me down whenever they get the chance.

11. I live by the motto “All the best people are broken” (amazing quote courtesy of the Bloggess). I am, and a lot of my friends are. And so are a lot of the people here. But that just makes you all some of the funniest, most amazing people in the whole world.

12. Why do I read you? Because even though my mother would kill me if she found out, you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever Not Met. Not only are you more hilarious than anyone, you know what it is to be broken like the rest of us. Maybe more; I don’t know. It just makes you one of the best of the best. Never doubt yourself.

13. I’m afraid even as I type this that you’re all judging me, not for my confessions but for thinking you would ever want to hear them. And it’s going to be really hard for me to push “submit”.

Myth September 24, 2011 at 9:25 pm

This is almost two months after you originally made these confessions, but I saw that no one had replied to them and I thought that someone should. I really understand where you’re coming from; I suffer from severe social anxiety (and generalized anxiety; I am a huge worrier) that has cost us hundreds of dollars in therapy already with few signs of progress. I’m always frightened that others are judging me, and in fact, spend most of my time confined to the house because I only feel safe when I’m alone. I’m terrified of the future too, because I haven’t even begun to learn the skills I will need to survive in the adult world, and there is so much I still don’t understand. I am forever convinced that those who like me, who like my jokes or my looks or anything about me, is lying and secretly hates me, not because they have given any indication of it but because I cannot fathom why anyone would ever like me. I have never worn a two-piece swimsuit either, because I’m fat and even one-piece swimsuits aren’t flattering on me at all.

It’s a struggle. It really is. For me it’s been more than six years. But sometimes I can look in the mirror and what I see is myself. Not someone I don’t want to be, but who I actually am, and I like it. Those moments are wonderful moments and they help steel my resolve.

I’m so happy you pushed that submit button. Getting to hear these confessions, confessions so similar to my own, meant more to me than I could possibly say. And while I can’t abolish your fears, I want you to know that the things your mind tells you aren’t true. People like you because they like you, not because they have some ulterior motive. They’re not lying or pretending; they think you’re an amazing person, because you really are, even if not everybody can see it. And you won’t feel ready for the future, but nobody does until the future gets here; when it does it may still be scary, but you will make it through.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Myth, thank you for catching what I failed to. I’m an asshole, and I’m glad you were there to catch this. Your words were powerful–I’m glad you answered.

Noa October 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm

@Norway: Fuck. I get lost in comment sometimes, which makes me an asshole.

1. I’m constantly afraid that I’m annoying my friends, and they don’t really like me.
Noa Says: You’re not. If they didn’t like you, they wouldn’t hang out with you. PS: I still struggle with this thought.

2. I’m terrified of the future: Of living on my own, the fact that I have NO idea what to do with my life, and utterly failing in anything I try to do.
Noa Says: It’s not as bad as you think, I swear. It’s tough for a while, I won’t lie, but just as you learned to do everything else, you will learn to do this.

3. Because of aforementioned fear of the future, I have often idly considered Rachael’s idea of “preventative euthenasia”. You know, offing yourself before life starts sucking, so you don’t have to deal with the sucky part.
Noa Says: It’s awfully tempting.

4. I’d never actually off myself. Ever.
Noa Says: But I’m beyond thrilled to see you say this.

5. I’ve never worn a two piece swimsuit. I don’t feel I have the body for it, even though I know I’m not fat.
Noa Says: If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t wear it. Don’t let what someone else thinks make you put something you don’t want on your body.

6. Despite not being fat, almost all of my close friends are skinnier than me (they’re all built like twigs.)
Noa Says: Everyone has a different body type–and twig is not the be-all end-all to beauty. You are you, and you’re gorgeous.

7. I rebelled against puberty tooth-and-nail. I was determined, *positive* that it wouldn’t happen to me if I didn’t let it, even though I was the among first in my class to “develop”. As a result, I’ve always been incredibly self-conscious of my body and have trouble talking about my body. Or anyone else’s.
Noa Says: Look at yourself each day and think, “This is what I have, and I love it.” Because you are beautiful.

8. Other people seem to have no problem talking about my body, and it’s hard for me to tell them to stop.
Noa Says: It may never get easier, but you will grow more comfortable with who you are.

9. I finally stood up to one of the people I mentioned in #8, but still talk to him even though I know he’s a creep. And I can’t see myself stopping.
Noa Says: You’re right, he is a creep, and here’s something that I just learned recently that I wish I’d known at your age: You train people how to treat you. Don’t let him get the better of you.

10. For the past three years, someone (different each year) has stepped out of the shadows with seemingly the sole purpose to Ruin My Life. They have never succeeded, but there is always someone there who will cut me down whenever they get the chance.
Noa Says: I’ll be honest, as dumb as it sounds, they’re jealous and they’ll always be there. The most you can do is own your shit and think, “well, I did this, so I’m not who you think I am.” You’re more awesome than they say.

11. I live by the motto “All the best people are broken” (amazing quote courtesy of the Bloggess). I am, and a lot of my friends are. And so are a lot of the people here. But that just makes you all some of the funniest, most amazing people in the whole world.
Noa Says: Finish that with, “but know to ask for help.”

12. Why do I read you? Because even though my mother would kill me if she found out, you’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever Not Met. Not only are you more hilarious than anyone, you know what it is to be broken like the rest of us. Maybe more; I don’t know. It just makes you one of the best of the best. Never doubt yourself.
Noa Says: Follow your own advice, too–Never doubt yourself, okay? Because you’re rad as fuck as more eloquent that I was at your age.

13. I’m afraid even as I type this that you’re all judging me, not for my confessions but for thinking you would ever want to hear them. And it’s going to be really hard for me to push “submit”.
Noa Says: Not a one of us is judging you. We’re all just really proud.

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