By the time you read this, I’ll have died a horrifically bloody death during which I suffered greatly. I’ll have left this world in the most absolutely metal way ever–on a river of my own blood, riding dental tools straight past the gates of Hell on my way to Heaven motherfuckers, because I like children and dislike judging people.
Which is code for: I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed today.
This sheer terror is what I imagine it’s like to be shot at while dragging your disabled child from a fire while zombies emerge from your cellar with spray bottles of acid.
Because I’ll never see you again, I have a few things I want to get off my chest before I die.
1. I’ve broken my right wrist at least twice, and been to the hospital for it–never.
2. I don’t have a college degree, and I’m constantly at war with myself as to whether I really need one.
3. I actually think I want kids, but I’m terrified I’ll be the worst parent ever.
4. I’m left handed, but write with my right hand, and since my handwriting sucks with both, Adrian won’t let me write checks. Also thanks to my ambidextr-idiocy, I have a really hard time telling left from right, forcing Adrian to give me directions using terms like, “Take a Steering Wheel,” and, “Make a Dashboard.”
5. I considered suicide when I was younger. I’m very grateful I didn’t make that choice. I hope I never feel like that ever again.
6. One of the only good memories I have of my stepfather is when he started a fight with the Golden Corral manager in Orlando because my sister wanted the chicken strip meal instead of the buffet. Seeing him white-knuckled around that poor ginger’s red vest and almost dragging him outside over chicken was a glorious and irreplaceable time in my life.
7. I’ve been through 3 separate and terrible types of abuse. It made me very best friends with my sister. I got lucky.
8. I knew I wanted to be a comedian at a minor league baseball game (Go Dillas!) with my family when I was 6. I did my Dolly Parton’s Dancin’ Boobies routine, KILLED THAT SHIT, and from then on, I’ve only ever wanted to be funny. As a direct result, Funny is the only thing I’m really good at.
9. There are only two natural disasters that have not destroyed something of my family’s, but that day is not far off, I presume. When the day comes that a Fiery, Lava-strewn Tornado rips through Texas, you’ll know I’ve jinxed us.
10. I miss my dad, who died when I was three, but I think Leo, my mom’s husband now, is one of the most fantastic people I have ever known.
11. I don’t know why you read this, or why you like it, but I am so immensely grateful, each and every day, when you do. Thank you for reading.
I didn’t die, and was disappointingly lucid after anesthesia. I’m sorry I couldn’t be funny then, because Adrian was planning on videoing my recovery and posting it for your enjoyment.
Anything you’d like to confess?
—Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Handflapper: “Why can’t feelings rape work the other way ’round? “Have a good day.” “No, YOU have a shitty day.” If someone tells me to smile, I tell them to cry and then maybe I’ll smile. I might even laugh.”