Letters to Insufferable Members of Society: The Happytimes Gestapo

07/11/2011 · 124 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, Psychological Warfare

Dear Happytimes Gestapo:

I can’t begin to tell you how good you made me feel when you told me to, “turn my frown upside down,” today at CVS while I bought Zyrtec and Angel Soft.

I had just been thinking, “Golly goddamn. I really wish someone would forcibly brighten this day in which I was almost murdered by a Suburban and was shin-rammed with baby-tanks by telling me to lose my case of the Mondays. That would sure snap me right out of these blues!”


We need to address and resolve your problem of shoving your goodtime feelings right up my b-hole. It’s feelings rape, and no means no.

You forcing your unwanted cheeriness on me is at best uncalled for, and at worst, a humanitarian crisis.

Maybe I had to participate in a highly uncomfortable nude public art project, despite my crushing insecurities, to keep my heat on.

Maybe I was just made to attend a funeral for someone I much loved and had to sit next to someone who wears tanning lotion all day, and therefore has that burnt, diseased coconut smell.

Maybe I just witnessed a large TSA agent beating a recently disabled man with a large pair of purple galoshes while shouting German racial slurs under the new, “Find those bombs,” initiative.

I want to think about the sadness and horrible personal choices of what I have just seen. I do not want to be assaulted with your Scientologist-esque incendiary cheerfulness today, and your terroristic demands to give in to the good feelings.

So next time you see me come ’round with no trace of a smile on my face, let me be. It’s not your God given crusade to ensure my immediate and police-enforced mood change.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

Has anyone every tried to forcibly change your emotion? What did you say?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From HoodyHoo: “Ha! I KNEW I was right about dolls!”


Kella July 11, 2011 at 1:57 am


…Forever this. It’s going on my motherfucking quotes wall, woman.

Also: “a large TSA agent beating a recently disabled man with a large pair of purple galoshes while shouting German racial slurs” was a porno, I think. Filed between 69-11 and Invading Her Rack.

Under the old “one in our hands, two in your Bush” administration, y’see.
Kella recently posted..Dear Japan: Whatever it is we did, we’re very sorry. Can you stop now? Sincerely, The Rest of the Goddamned Planet

Kella July 11, 2011 at 1:58 am

Also? I was so first in line to this conga-line of dementia. Gimme a goddamned cookie.
Kella recently posted..Dear Japan: Whatever it is we did, we’re very sorry. Can you stop now? Sincerely, The Rest of the Goddamned Planet

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:12 pm

There are no cookies. There is only glory.

I’m so glad you enjoy my wordplay–I had a lot of fun being creatively terrible.

opal July 11, 2011 at 6:48 am

THIS! A few months ago my grandmother died (at age 100!) and my whole family went to her little town for the funeral. My sister and I were sent to Wal-Mart to buy something and I guess we looked sad because the cashier chided us about it and told us we should cheer up.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

1) Sorry about your grandmother. My great grandmother lived to be 98, and was a hell of a firecracker.

2) Fuck Wal-Mart to death. I think they are in no place to tell me I’m not happy enough in my life.

hoodyhoo July 11, 2011 at 7:02 am

Since when did my emotional state A) become anyone’s goddamn business and B) become ANY excuse for strangers to fucking talk to me??? People, for the last time: My name is HoodyHoo, and I have bitchface. It is a medical condition, and if I can live with it, so can you. For NOW…
hoodyhoo recently posted..You Can Pick Your Nose…

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

This comment alone is why I fucking adore you. Because you’re so hardcore about your medical bitchface, and it makes me happier than you can imagine.

Also, fuck those bitches. It’s none of their goddamned business.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Wow. I think I have the same condition. Whenever I zone out (more of the time than is probably healthy) I look mad/angry. It’s not pretty. My mother’s always on my back about it too… Does this make her an official member of the Happytimes Gestapo, or just incredibly annoying?

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Members of the Happytimes Gestapo are, by default, incredibly annoying.

Amanda July 11, 2011 at 7:14 am

Whenever this happens to me, I look said feeling rapist in the eyeballs and say very clearly; “Fuck you.” That tends not to go over well at church, though. So, I just don’t go to church anymore. “Judge not . . . ” and whatnot.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Perfect. I think that’s the only appropriate comeback besides saying, “I just found out I had cancer of the labia.”

Heather Heartless July 11, 2011 at 7:47 am

Wal-Mart has training videos to help you identify someone’s emotional state and how to deal with it. “Cheer up” is evidently not the right thing to say to someone who looks “mad” or “sad”.

The last time this happened it involved an old man showing me a picture of a guy hovering over a chamber pot and then he made a butt with his fingers. He also gave me Werther’s.

You can’t hate that.

Most of the time I just want to scream “I WORK HERE, MOTHER FUCKER! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Just what comes to mind after seeing a chamber pot–light brown hard candy. YUM! HRRRRRCCKKK.

Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) July 16, 2011 at 2:01 am

Heather I just read your Eat Pray Love post, and I’m dying. You expressed my feelings with complete and utter perfection. And I think that piece of shit movie was like 2 and a half hours long. I give you credit, I turned it off at some point during the Love era. It was between that or beating myself to death with my remote.
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Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I’m frankly impressed you even lasted that long. I saw the movie in blockbuster and punched myself in the vag.

Leauxra July 11, 2011 at 8:10 am

I really really really really hate it when people tell me to smile. Really.

I was in the process of being evicted (well, the lease was up and the owner wouldn’t renew because she wanted to do some renovation), I didn’t have money for another deposit, my then boyfriend left me to go take care of his sick father, and… well at the time my life was COMPLETELY FALLING APART and I was walking down the street and this guy says, “SMILE!” I turned to him and said, “No.” “It can’t be that bad, sweetheart,” he said. And I said, “I am NOT HERE FOR YOUR FUCKING AMUSEMENT!” He may have died of a heart attack. He was pretty old.

But people in New Orleans use to ALWAYS tell me to smile. I thought about carrying three signs so I wouldn’t even have to talk, “I will smile if I feel like it, Asshole,” and “No, you can’t have a fucking cigarette, do I look like someone with smokes to spare???” and “If you talk to me, prepare to get smacked down, Douche.”
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I’m with Hoody. When did having a bad day, much like being pregnant, give license for strangers to get all up in your bidness? You never know what’s going on in someone’s life–they could have been told they will die tomorrow. And then, you’re a huge ahole.

Jessica July 11, 2011 at 8:26 am

There’s something wrong with those people who are always happy, it’s not natural. I say check their crawlspace. If I killed everyone who pissed me off I’d probably be cheery too, I would never feelings rape you though. If the really want to make you happy they should carry a bunch of $50’s and say “Smile, here’s free money” that might work.
Jessica recently posted..Starving.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Sometimes, I wanna be sad a little. Sometimes, I wanna be mad. If I’m happy all the time always and forever, I’m seriously mentally disturbed and/or a Disney Princess, and I don’t want to be either of those things.

Jaclyn July 11, 2011 at 8:33 am

When I lost my baby, my boss and district manager called me into the office like 2 weeks after I came back to work (which was only 3 weeks after I lost him) and told me that I was basically ruining the store because I never had a smile on my face. They were like “we know you have a reason to be upset, but if you can’t smile you need to go home”… like I didn’t want to go home or something. The only reason I even went right back to work was because I was literally sobbing constantly and my husband insisted that I try to reintegrate myself back into my normal routine because he thought it would help me. Oh, and when I told them I was trying to save my vacation time because we were planning to try for another baby in a couple of months they told me I shouldn’t even be thinking about that and how I should see a psychiatrist because I clearly wasn’t handling it well. How I didn’t punch them both in the face is beyond me.
Jaclyn recently posted..Do You Believe in Santa? How about Tylenol? Jesus?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:23 pm

WHAT THE FUCK? You lost your baby and your boss is all, “Oh, that sucks, but cheer up, ho.”

I’m surprised that man still has his penis attached at this point.

Jaclyn July 12, 2011 at 7:58 am

You wanna know the worst part? IT WAS A FUCKING WOMAN!!!
Jaclyn recently posted..Do You Believe in Santa? How about Tylenol? Jesus?

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Oh wow. Speechless.

Jaclyn July 11, 2011 at 8:39 am

OH, and just to really drive home how shitty my life was at that point, you should know that I had to do IVF to get pregnant (which is fucking expensive and at the time I knew I’d have to put the next one on a credit card to even get to try for another baby) and I was 6 months pregnant when I lost my son. And they knew all that shit and they still thought I should put on a happy face.
Jaclyn recently posted..Do You Believe in Santa? How about Tylenol? Jesus?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Augh. There’s some stress for you, huh? Now you lost your baby, are about to go into debt, and have the possibility of losing your job. Happy fucking day!

Angie H July 11, 2011 at 8:41 am

I’m with ya! Also, when I tell you why I’m pissed off or feeling down, don’t come back at me with “Awww, don’t feel that way!”

Screw you! If I could have felt freaking happy about something I sure as fuck would. Unfortunately, psychotic anger is the emotion that got here first and it wins.

(Alright, that’s how I like to start every work day. Now that I got that off my chest I’m going to go back to wearing my every-damn-thing-is-fucking-sunny-and-gay face… pass me a Prozac)
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:26 pm

“I just found out that I’m dying tomorrow of a massive brain tumor. I’m kinda sad.”
“Awwww, don’t feel that way.”
“Did you even fucking hear what I just said, bitch?”

Lauren S. July 11, 2011 at 9:10 am

A-fucking-men. I’m from the south, so my chronic bitchface don’t really fly around here either. “Honey, would you like a Xanax?” is the only thing I wanna hear from you, stranger.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:27 pm

THAT would be an appropriate way for a stranger to confront your mood issues. As long as it wasn’t in a back alley. Cause back alley prozac is really roofies–just trust me on this one.

Andi July 11, 2011 at 10:13 am

Living in a large suburban area, I don’t get a lot of mood police. Nobody gives a shit if you smile around here (which can be depressing but for entirely different reasons). I also hide my bitchface really well, which is not an advantage because it means when someone annoys me, I turn on them suddenly and without warning.

I’m nice, nice, nice until……I’MA GONNA CUT YOU, BITCH.
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I think that’s pretty typical suburban mood regulation, cause I know a lot of women just like yourself, especially here in the South, where it’s all wonderful until FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHER’S GHOST.

Mrs. Papagiorgio July 11, 2011 at 10:56 am

I’ll see your Happytimes Gestapo and raise you the Skin Tone Gestapo, which I’m sure you’ve encountered at some point.

Stranger, through my rolled-down car window: “You’re really pale.”
Me: “…Yeah.”
Stranger: “Are you always so pale?”
Me: “…Yeah.”
Stranger: “Look, I just don’t want to end up doing CPR on someone today because it’s so hot.”
Me: *rolling up car window*

So, little-known fact: pale people are exponentially more likely to literally have their hearts stopped by the sun.

barefootorbust July 11, 2011 at 12:36 pm

That….is just awesome.

I am also pale. I can’t help it. I have the northern European whitey whitey white white genes. In the sun, I burn then I turn a blinding shade of white again. Though I have never had that specifically happen to me, I have been refused at tanning salons and gyms with tanning beds because “our insurance won’t cover you”.

Is there a good come back for an ass hat like that?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

“Will it cover the skin cancer you’re so willingly supplying yourself with? Yes? Fuck off and die.”

Mrs. Papagiorgio July 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm

That is…amazing. I can only hope that one day I will blow an insurance underwriter’s mind with my Whitey-McWhiteness.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

“I have pale skin. Do I need a rider for that?”

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm


I had no idea that being of extraordinarily Scotch-Irish descent would cause me to have serious heart issues. Too bad there’s no strangers around here to give me CPR.

Mrs. Papagiorgio July 11, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Cornbread and I are thinking of running away together. With his chickens, of course, which is what he sells at the flea market.

Too bad you’re not still at AStar, because then you could learn CPR from me. True story.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Dear Lord, your life is ridiculous. I envy you greatly.

barefootorbust July 11, 2011 at 10:58 am

Yeah…I have actually had bosses tell me my co-workers were uncomfortable working with me because my “default facial expression is pissed off.” WTF. I am an IT/ Data troll. Who the hell should care what my “default facial expression” is?

“It’s feelings rape, and no means no.” ~ Exactly. I wonder if under that logic I could sue for sexual harassment? :P

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I don’t mean any offense here, but I’ve not ever known an IT employee to have any expression on their faces other than pissed because they have to work with and assist the most jackassed of persons fucking up the easiest of things.

You’re good.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I just recently had my brother tell me this same thing after years of me not knowing it. Coincidentally, I’m also in IT… perhaps some correlation there?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Absolute correlation. IT workers are some of the least appreciated and hardest working.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 9:00 pm

:/ I’m just a student at the moment. Why oh why did I have to choose to get my Majors in IT???

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Didn’t you know that most jobs requiring college degrees are like that? And most without as well?

Seriously though, if you love it, you look past the bullshit. Every job comes with bullshit, no matter what. If your heart’s in it, then you’re okay.

Havilah July 12, 2011 at 7:46 am

I sure hope I can make it through this. All I want to be is a librarian!!

barefootorbust July 12, 2011 at 12:31 am

Maybe. I thought that maybe working as a troll I would be able to hide behind my computer and no one would care. I was wrong. :P

I think maybe those overly cheerful people mistake concentration for pissed off. Maybe they don’t know how to recognize it. It takes one to know one?

Havilah July 12, 2011 at 7:47 am

Yeah, I’ve tried the hiding behind the computer bit, but it seriously does not work at all. And most of the time, I actually find that the pissed-off look works to my benefit as most people will then leave me alone to my work. :)

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I think maybe those overly cheerful people mistake concentration for pissed off. Maybe they don’t know how to recognize it. It takes one to know one?

I think you just answered your own question there–can’t recognize concentration, so they think you’re just mad. Explains why you have so much work to do for them.

Rbird July 11, 2011 at 11:58 am

The same can be said for the “good morning” people.

Me: *sits at my desk staring at my computer*
Boss: Good Morning (bird’s chirping and shit)
Me: Huh… uh huh…

Why oh why must the good morning thing happen? Why must you FORCE your “good morning” on me!!

Jaclyn July 11, 2011 at 12:08 pm

At my job it’s “Happy Friday!!!”… I mean yeah, everyone loves Friday but ‘Happy Friday’ is just the worst. THE. WORST. Makes me wanna vomit.
Jaclyn recently posted..Do You Believe in Santa? How about Tylenol? Jesus?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:34 pm

And all I can think of here is, “Someone has a case of the Mondayyyyyyssss!” Yes ma’am, I do. I have a permanent case of the Mondays because you fucking said that to me.

Heather Heartless July 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I have “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta” fantasies about those people.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I thought of this immediately after reading.

Jillian July 11, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I used to work at the front desk of our university gym, greeting every person who entered or exited the building. My cheek muscles were so frikkin strong that I could smile while chewing an entire steak (which I would never do, because 1. I was in college and couldn’t afford steak anyway and 2. vegetarians really really really love the gym). Even on my worst days, when I was ready to take tranquilizers to appease my intergalactic cramps or I had been up all night because the people in the apartment below us were playing Rock Band until 3 AM with a miserably unrhythmic drummer, I had a grimace-like smile sewn across my face.

On a particularly bad day (although I don’t remember why exactly), another abysmally pissed off member walked in the door. After I greeted him with a standard and impersonal, “Hi!! How are ya??!!!” he gave me an intense, scathing look.

“What exactly do you do?” He hissed at me.


The occasional run-in with the Happytimes Gestapo? Unpleasant. BEING the Happytimes Gestapo? Now that’s just a nightmare…
Jillian recently posted..Friday’s Lessons

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

See, I don’t typically think so poorly of the front deskers who say such innocent things. It’s your job. I get it. When you ask me why I’m so fucking mad, we’ve crossed a line.

But when you’re the customer who’s so rude to front deskers, or greeters, or hostesses, or servers, I’m gonna kick your ass. I know you had a bad day, but you can be a fucking human being.

Handflapper July 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Why can’t feelings rape work the other way ’round?
“Have a good day.”
“No, YOU have a shitty day.”
If someone tells me to smile, I tell them to cry and then maybe I’ll smile. I might even laugh.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

HAH! I love this. Such an effective method.

Tans July 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I have a sign in my office that clearly states: “everyone in this office makes me happy: some when they arrive, some when they leave.” Most fall into the latter category, as I seem to work with a bunch of high on life admin assistants. I swear, these women huff rainbows. No one should be that happy all the time.

Oh, and telling me “I’m not sure why you’re down, you don’t have any kids to stress over!” is not going to make me have an Andy Griffith moment.

“You know what, Aunt Bea? You’re RIGHT! Life is GRAND! I’m going to go get a smile permanently tattoed on my face!”

I’ll take “people at whom I’d love to scream shut the fuck up for $1000, Alex…”

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

OH MY GOD. I can’t fucking stand when people say that bullshit. “Oh, you don’t have any kids, so you couldn’t possibly understand how stressful life can really be, but I do, because I have a baby and a job and I shit rainbows.”

I know children can be awesome. I know they can be stressful. But do not, DO NOT, look down on me and my childless life.

Tans July 12, 2011 at 10:36 am

Also, please do not assume that I CAN’T have kids. I haven’t tried, so I don’t know for sure, but I didn’t want to try.

Which, by the way, always brings a special kind of dirty look because then I’m an automatic child hater.

People often suck, I find…

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm

If you don’t want kids, you’re a heartless bitch who is unwilling to help your husband pass on his legacy. I’ve gotten this more than a few times. “Don’t you want to help Adrian continue the family line?” Sorry, I was unaware we were 17th century nobility.

Tans July 12, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Um, my married last name is Brown. I’m pretty sure our lack of procreation isn’t going to make it die any time soon…
Tans recently posted..Up and Running

Amanda July 12, 2011 at 7:34 am

FUCK!! What the HELL?! What about my barren womb means I have no reason to worry or stress? I don’t see how the two are related at all, like elephants and slurpees.

I also hate coworkers who assume you are available to work late or take on extra duties because you have no crotch fruit. DIE! DIE! DIE!

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Tell them you have responsibilities taking care of an alcoholic. They’ll never know you meant you and a delicious cocktail.

Johi July 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Thank you. I heart you.
And we may be on the same cycle.
Johi recently posted..I’m a sweet as a fresh summer peach. Well, I will be tomorrow.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Then I’m glad you’re as stabby as me!

Lilscorpiosweet July 11, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I am glad that everyone mentioned Wal-Mart.

I am there and I agree with Walter “Welcome to Wal-Mart get your shit and get out!” The door greeters think its a personal thing to find out how you really are. One guy goes so far as to use the phrase “How you doin’?” and then does the wagging of his eyebrows. I mean seriously I am there getting feminine products and you want to ask me how I am doin? Fuck off and die scum bag, I am in no mood today for your wanna be suave attitude. Not to mention YUCK I know your son which is even more gross. That phrase alone wants to make me vomit but coming from you it would end up like projectile vomit. All over your Wal-Mart uniform of navy colored shirt and khaki pants. Just wrong. Then of course on the way out he says something like Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart. I am not sure how to respond to that. Umm thank you? Not bloody likely. If I could make the product myself and have it turn out half as good as what I am buying I wouldn’t be feeding Corporate my money on sanitary feminine products not to mention the 9 gazillion other products that Wal-Mart insists I need to have because I won’t get it anywhere else on roll back.

Fucking Wal-Mart and their do-gooder door greeters.
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Was it a really old man or a younger one? Cause really old greeters who get all flirty and shitty like that really and truly make my day a lot better. I think it’s fucking adorable. But, if he’s like, 40, yeah, that guy can fuck off.

Lilscorpiosweet July 11, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Dude was like 60 or something had a groucho marx thing going on with his eyebrows and I swear instead of the return sticker gun in his hand he would have had a cigar. But this guy was all white haired and not really adorable really tall and skinny like Jack Skelington skinny. Not to mention his son looks the same way only with dark hair. I think I have a picture of him somewhere.
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 7:59 pm


Heather Heartless July 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Y’all just need to come to my Wal-Mart. We only associate with our own if we can get away with it. Beyond that, if you’re in a shitty mood, you’re more likely to get a “Fuck what ya heard” than an “Aww… perk up, little buddy”.

I need more customers likes y’all. For serious. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve uttered a “How are you today?” when they APPEARED to be pretty mellow mood-ed only to get a thirty minute run-down of how their husband ran off with the neighbor’s elderly mother after they couldn’t get their pregnancy ‘roids to go away?

Roll back my ass. I have access to the scanners. Roll back only means we’re taking a 54% mark up instead of an 80%. Like fucking Waffle House. Get your hash browns all the way for $5.00 instead of $5.05. Seriously?

After working retail for the majority of my employed life, I’ve learned to avoid the people that want to cheer me up. They have this maniacal gleam in their dead eyes that just shouts “One of us is going to end up with something shoved up our ass before this is over”.

Just fuck with them, they won’t get it.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 11, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Oh retail, and retail at Big Box stores. Nothing makes me want to stab myself in the head more than working Big Box bullshit. You’re tough as balls, yo.

Jaclyn July 12, 2011 at 8:10 am

I used to work at Walmart, but the mentality in NJ is completely different and it’s all about pushing out merchandise. Nobody is nice to the customers at all, ever. Most of the time the employees were in the back room pulling out new stock anyway so you are lucky to even find an employee, let alone have them be nice to you. And the greeters? Well, they are mostly there just to make sure you don’t steal shit. We actually had a store manager come up from Alabama once and he wanted to run our store like his old store in Alabama and he ended up getting fired within 6 months. That friendly shit doesn’t fly in NJ. Really.
Jaclyn recently posted..Do You Believe in Santa? How about Tylenol? Jesus?

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I’m sure it’s not just the Wal-Mart mentality that’s different in NJ.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 11, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Aw, is the smile police bringing you down? Cheer up, Noa, don’t let those hooligans get you down. Have a happy heart. I mean, wait….fuck…..clearly, I’ve been a parent for a long ass time. This “cheer up” stuff is in my blood. So, actually, in my case, I’m usually the offender, not the offendee.
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:45 pm

This is a side of you that I have never seen, and one that, if I did see it, I would not believe. You’re much to be badass to be part of the happytimes Gestapo.

The Young Girl July 11, 2011 at 5:15 pm

When I was in highschool I walked into class late, dressed in black and looking very sad because I had just been to a 4 yr olds funeral. My teacher says to me “why are you late! and why are you so sad looking! You should always be on time and cheerful!” I gave her the nastiest stink eye I could, told her where I had been and handed her my note. She sat down and shut the fuck up real quick.

I also work at a real estate office. Those are some chipper ass bitches. Everything is always great! Also, I have to answer the phone “Its a great day at “company name”, This is “name”, How may I help you?” at the end of most days i want to stab myself for being so perky.
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Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Why is it a demand that you should be chipper anywhere? The only fucking time it’s required for you to be in a good mood when you show up is to be a goddamned cheerleader.

From a customer’s standpoint, I HATE hearing those greetings on the phone. They’re forced and stupid. I used to work at Texas Roadhouse with the most absurd phone greeting ever. It was 5 sentences long. Lotsa people just interrupted us to get to what they wanted.

Lynne July 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I don’t have a natural smile, and I LOVE IT. It makes people leave me alone, especially on those days when I really want to be left alone or if I’m in a hurry. I can be having a perfectly great day but that doesn’t mean I have to have some Insane Clown Posse-esque, fake grin plastered on. I do occasionally get the “Smile!” from a random stranger with a Stepford Wives glued-on happy face, but I just stop and stare them down without a word. I try to muster the emptiest look in my eyes that I possibly can, and without even flinching a muscle to change my expression until it makes them uncomfortable and they walk off, probably afraid they’re about to get ax-murdered in the canned goods aisle. The fact that I’m 5’10” with bushy red hair and electric-blue skin may not help matters. In fact, it just hit me that I might be viewed as Carrot Top’s unstable illegitimate sister. Even better. He’s creepy as fuck anymore.

If I were inclined to respond (verbally) to the offender, I’d probably steal Steve Martin’s quote from “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” where he got stranded across the airport parking lot and came back to smiley happy rental car agent who kept him waiting because she was on a personal call. When she asked if she could help him, he replied, “You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks.”

LOVE LOVE LOVE the label “Happytimes Gestapo.” I always wondered what to call those assholes.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:50 pm

I sort of love that it makes other people feel so uncomfortable when someone near them is so unhappy. It’s like their evolutionary response is triggered because they primally believe you’ll murderface them.

Satan July 11, 2011 at 6:26 pm

“We need to address and resolve your problem of shoving your goodtime feelings right up my b-hole. It’s feelings rape, and no means no.”

hells yeah.

anytime people try this shit with me, i just stare them down, HARD. occasionally i might throw in a “fuck your mom” or “sit and spin, dickwad” but most of the time the sheer power of my evil laser eyes tends to do the trick.

i’m wondering whether that’s jut the natural evil nature of myself, or if i’ve somehow cultivated this talent over the years. because if it can be learned, i could probably teach and make MILLIONS.
Satan recently posted..you typed what?

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:50 pm

To be fair, with a name like Satan, I think you’ve answered your own question.

Rebecca Rhielle July 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

I bark at them. Then they go away. You should try it.

That is all.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

That is pure genius.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm

One time I had someone at a dearly loved relative’s funeral tell me to look happy & smile at people. I wanted to kick that persons ass right there. What internal clock told them that such a thing was appropriate right then??

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I hope that person left with a black fucking eye.

Havilah July 12, 2011 at 7:49 am

Unfortunately, my parents raised me to always be polite… so I just had to settle for giving them the evil eye when their backs were turned. I think I might’ve also caught myself muttering expletives under my breath.

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Oh those Southern Manners: smile, wave, walk away, then think GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Havilah July 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Yes, aren’t they lovely? But, they can save your ass every once in a while. As someone I know called it, the CYA plan Cover Your Ass. :)

Heather Heartless July 12, 2011 at 9:42 pm

What the fuck, yo? Look happy at a funeral? “Cheer up! They’re only going to never come back!” ? You know that slightly awkward “I’m trying really fucking valiantly not to lose my shit all over this dead body” face you get when you don’t want to blubber in public? I had that going on at a funeral and my sister says “What are you doing?”


“Your face, what the fuck are you doing with your face?”

“Trying not to cry?”

“Well stop. You look stupid.”
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 13, 2011 at 1:04 am

I hate that face, and invariably, when I start thinking about what an ahole I look like, I start to laugh, which is much much worse.

Havilah July 17, 2011 at 12:17 am

I get that face, as well. It’s awful. But I also get the strangest urge to laugh at most funerals. I’ve only ever cried at 2 of them.

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:31 pm

It’s weird, right? That laugh is what comes out when something is sad? What does that say about us.

Feryx July 11, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I got assaulted by a happy making charity person, they shoved brochures in my face and grabbed my arm. But they did it with a smile so I guess it was alright?
Feryx recently posted..Bugger burger

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:54 pm

I LOVE IT when that happens! Especially when it’s the sadly looney christians (giving the rest of the christians horrible names) and the laminated hypercolor smiley face cards with REPENT MOTHERFUCKER written on them. I think of them like monopoly money for heaven.

Dawn July 11, 2011 at 8:18 pm


My general response these days to “Have a nice day” or God forbid “Smile, it increases your face value”, is ALWAYS to fix them in my death stare and calmly state, “No, I have other plans.” At best they run away. At worst, they are confused as fuck.
Dawn recently posted..Ready, Set…Go Away

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Smile, it increases your face value.

I’ve never heard that one before, but that’s among the dumbest things I have ever heard. Holy golly goddamn.

Lady B July 11, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I work in sales.

Where everyone speaks in spur of the moment inspirational quotes like “You know, I really feel like my positive affirmations are going to help the team excel today”.

I’m the weird kid who likes to point out that affirmations are basically just you talking to yourself and that is possibly a sign of schizophrenia. I then point out that I have drugs for that.
Lady B recently posted..I have subway rage. Not the sandwich kind… the people moving hell kind

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:57 pm

I have always been one of those people who thinks that I must degrade myself and my creations as much as possible to give them any chance to succeed, which is why I hated sales so much.

And I just revealed my true identity as a truly phenomenally crazy person.

kim July 11, 2011 at 11:27 pm

So….there’s been a lot of loss, a lot of stress, and I’m bat-shit crazy most of the time but life is good, right? There’s food on the table, the bills are getting paid, there’s laughter and music in the house…. And still people ask, “Are you okay?” I hate that because what I really want to answer is, “No! I AM NOT OKAY! We’re not supposed to be okay ALL THE TIME. It’s not normal. In fact, it’s fucking freaky. People that are happy all the time are fucking freaky. Freak.”

We’re supposed to be sad when people die, we’re supposed to be stressed when our work or income changes, it sucks when our relationships fall apart and we’re supposed to be pissed when our children’s unemployed father makes jokes about his “invisible job.”

It balances out the deliciousness of bedtime snuggles and listening to the Rolling Stones…all the sunshiny stuff that really does feel oh-so-good.

Noa July 11, 2011 at 11:58 pm

And sometimes, you just have a shitty goddamn day, and you have a right to have a shitty goddamn day and be left the fuck alone about it, because you’re absolutely right that it makes the good times so much better.

Kim July 12, 2011 at 1:37 am

I’ve found my tribe and they are bitchfaced, stabby women. Thank. Fucking. God. I’m not alone.
Kim recently posted..My Depression has a first name…. it’s O-S-C-A-R.

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:41 pm

That’s what The League is all about.

Rachael July 12, 2011 at 2:25 am

I always tell these assholes: “DO. NOT. Tell me how to feel.”

Even worse are the people who tell you how you already feel. “You’re very angry,” they’ll say. “I wasn’t,” I will reply. (Also, what the fuck is up with people who think swearing means anger? I can say, “It’s fucking gorgeous outside!” and they’ll think I’m angry about it. Ugh. FUCK them.)
Rachael recently posted..The Stages of Moving

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Living in Texas, also known as Satan’s Taint, I especially empathize with the “But the weather’s gorgeous today,” attempt at lightening moods. I could give a shit less what the weather is, motherfucker, I’m in a badass mood.

Heather Heartless July 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

How dare that Goddamned sun shine it’s cheery shit all over me? How. DARE. It.

I also love people that say things like “Cheer up! It’s such a beautiful day outside!” while you’re at work. Hey, asshole, I’m stuck in a fucking windowless box all day. I don’t care if leprechauns are shooting unicorns riding rainbows out of their asses, I’m not going to be able to enjoy it.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 13, 2011 at 1:04 am

Those people are the first to go in a zombie apocalypse, the outside assholes. I hope they enjoy having their tracheas ripped out in the sunshine.

wagthedad July 12, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Jesus. This brings to mind countless service jobs I’ve had. Once when my wife had just had a miscarriage and I was working on a big IT project, I dared to take the day off to be with her while they were cutting the fetus out of her body. The other project manager, with whom I’d just worked for about 6 months, called my boss immediately because he was “concerned with the competence of Mr. Lusher.”

But that’s somthing completely different. What was it the guy on Office Space said, the construction worker neighbor, when the office guy asks him if anybody ever told him “looks like somebody’s got the case of the blue mondays?”
“A guy could get the shit kicked out of him for saying something like that where I work.”

And now I have posted a comment that has NOTHING to do with your post. Soooreeeee. Chalk it up to lack of vitamins. I had monkey brains for lunch.
wagthedad recently posted..Matteo The Baby Is Here

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I believe you when you say you ate monkey brains.

I can’t even concentrate on your amazing comment because your new Baby Matteo is the cutest fucking newborn I have ever seen ever. Ever.

Also, fuck that guy you used to work for.

Christene July 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Yeah, you gotta love people who take it upon themselves to make you feel better about yourself… I smile, nod, ignore… either that or elaborately tell them exactly how awful my day has been, not forgetting every single detail for their benefit.

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:46 pm

If they ask, they should have to suffer.

Lauren July 12, 2011 at 4:41 pm

My husband has a friend from college that is ALWAYS telling me to smile. When we got engaged I considered drafting a prenup that would outlaw that particular friendship, but I didn’t, because I’m a really fucking nice person. I regret that about myself daily.

Also, new to the blog, love it.

Noa July 12, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Hi Lauren–it’s clear to me from your comment that you are going to fit in so well here.

I’m very fortunate that my husband has no friends like that–they’re all as equally and delightfully fucked up as me.

Brooke Farmer July 12, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Okay, as the sister of a former Scientologist psychopath, I LOVED the Scientology reference. Love. For real.

I remember visiting their compound in L.A. for my brother’s (second) wedding. And one woman was happier than I have ever been in my life. The source of her happiness? The strength of my handshake. I am so not shitting you. The handshake of a stranger who was related but no longer knew a guy who helped suck her into that organization was enough to make her giddy for a goddamn hour.
Brooke Farmer recently posted.."I have never seen him smile."

Heather Heartless July 13, 2011 at 12:11 am

If you have a compound and you’re not a Kennedy, I fully expect that you’re mentally ill.

I’ve been put off by weak or limp handshakes before, because hey, it’s creepy, but I can’t say that I’ve ever gotten emotional wood from a strong one.

Was there Kool-Aid?

I bet there was Kool-Aid.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 13, 2011 at 1:06 am

Goddamn right there was Kool-aid. It’s not a cult without Kool-aid.

Noa July 13, 2011 at 1:05 am


That’s some crazy scary shit right there. That’s psychic detectives crazy. And I cannot comprehend the massive bullshit.

How did you deal?

Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) July 16, 2011 at 1:53 am

My grandmother sent me a card when I was about 7, and the card said, “Smile and the world smiles with you, but cry and you cry alone.” Thus setting me up for the next approximately 90 years (hopefully) of faking my feelings, including orgasms, and also being constitutionally unable to cry. I think the only thing that comes close to pissing me off as much as someone telling me to “smile” is when I’m grocery shopping and wander two feet away from the cart, and some random wrinkled old lady gets all up in my grill and says with immense amounts of judgmentalism (yes, I just made that word up), “You should watch your purse.” Yeah, I should watch my purse as I beat the crap out of you with it. Have a splendid day.
Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) recently posted..The Dying Goat

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:43 pm

That’s a purse-slap waiting to happen.

Norway July 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm

When I was in 5th grade my cat died and I was incredibly upset about it. My mom warned my teacher the next day that I would be down, and to please be understanding and whatever, and all my friends were amazingly understanding (don’t judge me y’all. I loved my cat).
Anyhow, apparently my gym teacher did NOT get the memo, because I was extra mopey during his class (I think I wanted his sympathy or something. Quit judging!) and at the end of the period when we all huddled up he said
“Today was a pretty good day, but I’m rather disappointed because some of you have been looking like your dog died”. Or something, meant to express “Quit your moping and enjoy my class; you’re being ridiculous and immature”.
I don’t remember exactly what he said, because I burst into fresh tears and ran off as hard as I could. Unfortunately I’m not sure he noticed, because he dismissed us a millisecond after I started running. So even though he SHOULD have felt horrible and been wracked by guilt for years, I’m pretty sure he never knew. I, however, was scarred for life.

Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) July 17, 2011 at 8:34 am

Happytimes Gestapo story from this morning: When running a 5K, and the runners who already finished long before you do decide to loop back and run another 5K in the opposite direction, thus meeting you and obnoxiously/cheerfully yelling shit like, “Don’t stop! You can do it!” Fuck you and your sinew.
Rebecca (justfiveminutesmore) recently posted..The Dying Goat

Noa July 17, 2011 at 11:30 pm

WOW, what the fuck? That’s when you just hold your fist out and wait for them to slam into it.

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