Funny Bitch Friday: The Randomist

07/08/2011 · 19 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

The Randomist, AKA OH Look a Paddle Boat, AKA Heather Heartless, is a busy fucking lady.

When she’s not posting comments that make my cry laughing at my desk, she’s writing a fucking awesome blog. And it’s time she gets her due.

Her blog reads like a manifesto of what I’m sure every woman really thinks and wants to say, but so few actually do for fear of being judged.

Your loss, scared bitches, because Heather Heartless beat you to it.

Eat, Pray, Love Makes Me Want To Kill Myself (You and me both, ho)

Dolls Creep Me The Fuck Out, Y’all

My Vagina Is Secretly A Sassy Black Woman

Three Compelling Reasons I Use To Justify Not Exercising

Shit I Couldn’t Do Again If I Tried

Bitch I Will Cut You

Go show her some love, and keep bringing the funny.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Tans: “How about an extra credit medical course: Name that Rash: did you pass out in the poison ivy or are you just a slut?”


hoodyhoo July 8, 2011 at 6:51 am

Ha! I KNEW I was right about dolls!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Let’s Get It Started

Noa July 8, 2011 at 6:31 pm

They’re truly horrifying creations. I have not ever seen one that looked like it didn’t want to eat my soul through my ears.

wagthedad July 8, 2011 at 7:19 am

Yay! Hoody’s back!

And welcome to The Randomist!

Noa July 8, 2011 at 6:31 pm

It’s like Norm from cheers when Hoody’s here.

Heather Heartless July 8, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Yay! Am I supposed to yay here? And thanks, to everyone, for the awesome welcome into the league of our own.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 8, 2011 at 8:30 pm

We’re all happy for Hoody, and for you being in the GODDAMN LEAGUE!

Sally July 8, 2011 at 8:17 am

I can’t believe I just read that dolls post right before going to bed. Great. Now I’m going to dream of creepy doll teeth… and the creepy doll eyes… and their creepy little doll hands… and, whatever, screw it. Who needs sleep?
I recently started following your blog & love the Funny Bitch Fridays. I’d like to nominate the two following ladies for your funny bitches club:
Bangkok Reality Smackdown (
Southified Masshole (
Oh yeah, and I’m going to nominate myself to because I don’t have any dignity (or friends to nominate me… whatevs.)
Anyway, keep up the good work! I look forward to more funny bitches. Except next time with less dolls.

Noa July 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Thanks so much for the nominations! I love finding new blogs to stalk and feature. They, and you, are on the nominations list!! So glad you like the blog.


Heather Heartless July 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

They’ll also be skittering, like the old lady with baby teeth in Legion.

This post always seems to be read right before bed. It has its own force of gravity… evil doll gravity.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 8, 2011 at 8:30 pm


mistyslaws July 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Just checked her out. Thanks for that. She brings the funny. (But yikes with the creepy doll pictures. Shudder).

Love the recommendations! Keep on keeping on . . .

Noa July 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Will do! Glad you like the featured bitches–they do all the work! I just get to pimp ‘em out.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Yes! I love me some funny bitches. But they have to be funny bitches, cause I hate the plain ole’ bitches.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..It’s best to steal from kids who don’t speak English.

Noa July 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm

I don’t take no plain ‘ole bitches here.

Heather Heartless July 8, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Noa… You just made my entire “Holyfuckwhywon’tsomeonejustsetthisfuckingcaronfirealready?” week totally worth it.

It’s an honor… and a privilege.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

For serious, this made my whole un-airconditioned-transmission-failing week so much better.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

Noa July 8, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I’m glad I can make your immensely shitty week better, but you did all the work because you are fucking funny. Welcome to The League!

Annah July 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I finally got around to adding you to my Blogroll. I know… I’m such a lazy beesh. HUGS.

Noa July 10, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Why thank you!

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