Dangerballs Pines: For The Badass In You

07/06/2011 · 77 comments

in I Want This.

Kids get all the cool shit these days.

Kids get to exercise in kickass playgrounds. Adults get an elliptical and shin splints.

Kids get to watch gloriously wonderful cartoons. Adults get The Jersey Goddamn Shore.

Kids get to be rockstars and princesses all day. Adults get corporate jobs and unending sadness.

Kids get the best of everything, and it’s bullshit because children are bullshit.

Camp Dangerballs Pines: Summer Camp for Badass Adults

Arts and Motherfucking Crafts

Are you fucking badass? Then strap on your glue guns, motherfuckers, cause we’re gonna make:

  • Customized Dildo Voo-Doo Dolls
  • Expletive Dictionary Illustration
  • Molotov Cocktail Creation and Decoration
  • Tit Painting: Like Fingerpainting, but Sexier
  • Moonshining

Flaming Fucking Archery

Regular archery is for bitches. Get your your lighters, hos.

  • Fire at photos of people you hate
  • If you have the resources, the actual people that you hate
  • More points are awarded for the more severe the burn and crotch-shots
  • Put Those Molotov Cocktails to use

Nature Walking with Johnny Walker

Nature is a lot less awful when you’re shithoused.

  • Bird Watch, and Then Throw Rocks N’shit at Those Chirping Dicks
  • Over The Limit: Up Too High Ropes Course
  • Shot Glass Shuttle Races in the Fucking Meadow
  • Inevitable First Aid

Zombie/Rapture Survival Course

You’ll be prepared for the undead threat whether you like it or not, because you’re not gonna drag me down, you twatwaffle.

  • Shotgun Care and Technique
  • Going For The Head: Non-Sexually
  • Talking Other Survivors Out of Their Supplies
  • Assassinating Other Survivors for Their Supplies
  • Rebuilding Society: Spread Those Legs

Business Like a Motherfucker

Cash in on the sadness of others.

  • Textile Sweatshop Management
  • TLC is Hiring! How To Exploit Your Child for Fun and Profit
  • Is It Art? No, It’s Hipster Bullshit. Sell it Anyway!
  • Spamming: Easier Than It Looks

Spo-oprah Skills

Sports, Oprah Style.

  • Watch sweaty, ripped men play sports or fight lions
  • While you drink on a mountainside that you fucking own
  • And eat whole bags of chips dipped in butter
  • While nude

Navigation for Assholes

Each week, the camp’s biggest douchewad gets the privilege of this course, in which we drop you off in a scenic location with the following items:

  • A busted-ass compass
  • A canteen full of the anal secretions of sick poodles
  • A blown up photo of Barbara Streisand’s Labia Veins

Which activities would you enjoy? Did I miss any?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:

From Elizabeth: “…but how else would i sip my fruity alcoholic delights if not for the steel martini glass? i AM camping, after all. god forbid i do that shit sober. this whole thing read like a christmas list of gifts i want to give to the people i truly hate in my life.”

Leauxra July 6, 2011 at 7:55 am

Holy crap, sign me the fuck up. I am GOING.
Leauxra recently posted..A Moose Among Us

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Sweet. You’re in.

Angie H July 6, 2011 at 8:15 am

I am doing whateverthefuck I can to avoid being asshole of the week. One week with Babs veiny labia was enough for me. Wha?

Count me in for the shot glass in the meadow relay. I’m also game for blowing some sh*t up. I didn’t get to take off a body part at all over the holiday (mine or any other).
Angie H recently posted..We don’t talk about mustache rides anymore….

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:01 pm

For that one week, Babs was forever in your debt.

The shotglass relay and the fire archery could be a fun combo, you know? Nothing would make you run faster than people shooting flaming arrows at your ass.

wagthedad July 6, 2011 at 8:29 am

You were definitely funnier than my grandma today. Barbara Streisand’s labia veins. I don’t think I will ever come up with something that funny.

I want to own a mountainside. Previously I thought I would be satisfied just owning a compound, but you just upped the ante.

I’m just going to keep typing here until I come up with something funny. How about an event entitled Suck a Bag of Dicks? I didn’t come up with that one, but I think it’s so fucking hilarious I whisper it to myself at every opportunity.

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Why thank you, sir. That’s quite the compliment coming from you. The owning a mountain thing is a totally legit Oprah purchase. Adrian and I were kayaking in Maui, and our guide was pointing out all these famous people’s homes.

“Oh that’s Tiger Woods house. That one is Michael Jordan’s. That’s Ellen Degeneres’ house. And do you see that giant field and mountain? That’s Oprah’s mountain.”

Bitch owns a goddamn mountain on Maui. Suck a bag of dicks, Oprah.

Jaclyn July 6, 2011 at 8:46 am

You know, speaking of Jersey Goddamn Shore, did I mention how I was at the Jersey Shore last week and we saw Snooki (who my husband now refers to as “the midget”)? She walked past us so I’m pretty sure we both have chlamydia now. She’s just as gross in real life, in case you were wondering.

As for camp, sign me up :)
Jaclyn recently posted..Lessons I’m Going to Learn for You

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:04 pm

You don’t have Chlamydia. You have the HIV now, and a permanent orange glow. It’s like stewing in toxic waste and being a really shitty superhero afterwards.

Jaclyn July 6, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Immunosaurus Rex
Jaclyn recently posted..Lessons I’m Going to Learn for You

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:05 pm

That was magical.

Casey July 6, 2011 at 9:16 am

How the shit do I sign up for this miraclous camp?!? I need these activities in my life immediately, if not sooner.

As always, your genuis filthy humor has been inspiring.

-c

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Why thank you, Casey. YOU JUST SIGNED UP.

Johi July 6, 2011 at 9:21 am

I’m simultaneously frightened and intrigued.
One question: Will there be clowns there? Because clowns are a deal-breaker for me.
Johi recently posted.."Our Independence Day" or "Why Type A people shouldn’t be the designated driver"

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:05 pm

No goddamn clowns anywhere except the flaming archery targets.

Eric July 6, 2011 at 10:26 am

You’re gonna make millions on this. Not that you’ll need it after the zombie apocalypse, but you’ll have plenty of dollars to burn for warmth and cooking and human sacrifice.
Eric recently posted..Top 20 Tuesday for July 5th, 2011: Craigslist Leftovers

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:05 pm

You figured out my plan damnit. I would have cut you in if you hadn’t spilled it out here.

Amy July 6, 2011 at 10:39 am

Since Vagina is my favorite antagonym.. I’ll take the – A blown up photo of Barbara Streisand’s Labia Veins, I just might need a bit of vodka first.

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Realistically, if it were blown up large enough, it could be considered legitimate fine art.

Julia July 6, 2011 at 10:45 am

How about “Personal grooming, its not just for one”
Pussy shaving 101- no not the cat but just as furry.
Ball Shampoo- kinda like that hipster store that makes their own soap out of avacodo and honey only you make and use your own shampoo out of pond scum, clay, and hand soap.
Armpit hair is for assholes- if you have it either place you need to shave it.

It can be a group activity but not allowed to do this solo… so get out of the corner Mrs wallflower and join in!

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Those who take that class will be kept in a separate cabin. HRRRCKK.

Havilah July 6, 2011 at 10:50 am

Get the chance to shoot people you hate? With flaming arrows?? My dream come true!! :)

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Then, turn them loose in the woods with severe burns and vag photos.

Havilah July 6, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Sounds like heaven on earth… well, for me anyway. :) I’m sure they’d rather be in the hell from “What Dreams May Come”.

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:07 pm

And/or Futurama’s Hell.

Havilah July 6, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I somehow would prefer that one… Robin William scares the crap out of me. If only I could get Cuba Gooding, Jr. to come along with me, then I really see no reason to be uncomfortable. :)

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I haven’t heard of anyone ever with a Cuba Gooding Jr crush. You are absolutely the first.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 11:11 am

Is that so… I guess I haven’t either. Never considered that before.

Tova July 6, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I can’t wait to hear the campfire songs from this camp.

Noa July 6, 2011 at 1:08 pm

How much would The Bloggess charge to write them, do you think?

Rosa July 6, 2011 at 1:54 pm

No clue as to what she would charge, but I know without a doubt that they’d be worth every fucking penny!

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Agreed.

Havilah July 6, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I now eagerly await a release date for this… :) I would buy it for my friends & family & force them to learn the words, either by looking them up or listening to be sing them at the top of my lungs. :)

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:43 pm

In some states, that’s domestic violence.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 11:12 am

I’m sure once the jury hears how awesome the songs are they will change the law.

The Wannabe Housewife July 6, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Moonshining AND Zombie Survival?

Where do I send the check?!

I’m totally signing up for eating chips dipped in butter while nude. That is my life goal.
The Wannabe Housewife recently posted..Murder by Stapler: It Just Might Happen

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:08 pm

All things are possible at Dangerballs Pines. You’re already in!

Jessica July 6, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Sign me up, bitches!

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Bam. Done.

Andi July 6, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I want to learn to strip and clean and reassemble a rifle in a few minutes flat. Can we add that class?

I don’t actually want to shoot anybody, I just want to scare the fuck out of them. Or pick up strangers in dive bars. It works either way.
Andi recently posted..Only in America

Noa July 6, 2011 at 4:09 pm

That’s an extension course off of the Zombie Survival class.

You’ve just inspired me to add a new extension to the Navigation for Assholes: Rednecks with Rifles and Banjos.

Laura July 6, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Mmm hmmm. Pretty sure that I love you.

I’d sign up for this camp in a nanosecond.

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I’m pretty sure you’re awesome for saying that, and it totally qualifies you to be in the fucking camp.

Lady B July 6, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I’ve been to a camp much like this in middle school.

Each day we played “Commando” as it was getting dark. They send 80 thirteen year olds into the forest to hide in teams of Animals and you had to evade the teachers (the hunters) to win.

They sent us into Canadian forest. The kind where there are real bears and moose and large trees that can trip you.

Every year the teachers got wasted and didn’t look for the kids for hours, at least two kids broke bones, ten or so kids got left there overnight and no one ever spoke about it.
Lady B recently posted..Sweet JESUS that’s a MUSCLE?!

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:44 pm

That reminds me of Hyperbole and a Half’s Wolves post–classic and slightly horrifying.

Satan July 6, 2011 at 9:34 pm

you missed the “how to not get bucked off a horse while drunk and belligerent course.”
we’ve got to have horses; i’m not walking around while drinking my whisky!
Satan recently posted..WHAT the fuck did you just say?!?!?!??

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Horses? We have child rickshaws. Put those fuckers to work.

elizabeth- flourish in progress July 6, 2011 at 9:35 pm

oh man, my mind just went blank after seeing my comment as the favorite comment from the last post.

all i vaguely remember is something about anal secretions and crafty motherfuckers.

sign me up for that rebuilding the society shit….i’ll fuck for the good of humanity.
elizabeth- flourish in progress recently posted..Monday Dare: a friendly reminder- you’re going to die.

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:45 pm

You’re so selfless.

Rachael July 6, 2011 at 9:53 pm

They make glue-gun strap-ons now? I’M IN.
Rachael recently posted..Don’t sleep with me.

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:45 pm

That’s some burny lady-parts there. I like it. YOU’RE IN!

KatieBee July 6, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Can we go straight from the Johnny Walker Nature Walk to Flaming Fucking Archery? I get mad fucking accurate after a few drinks, yo.

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Fuck yes. You can do whatever the fuck you want at this camp whenever your twat says to.

hoodyhoo July 7, 2011 at 6:37 am

I am so upset. I thought “Dangerballs Pines” was gonna be a really kick-ass nursing home for all our decrepit asses…
hoodyhoo recently posted..She’s Baaa—aack…

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

HOODY HOO YOU’RE BACK I HAVE MISSED YOU.

And that’s Dangerballs Acres you’re thinking of.

hoodyhoo July 8, 2011 at 6:45 am

missed you too, doll! you are so getting kindapped onto the next vacation!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Let’s Get It Started

hoodyhoo July 8, 2011 at 6:46 am

or kidnapped… whichever is funnier and involves a net.
hoodyhoo recently posted..Let’s Get It Started

Erin July 7, 2011 at 9:41 am

I am really sad that this is not real. I’ve never been good at sports but I think I would actually be pretty awesome at Spo-oprah Skills.

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Bring on the butter chips, you have a volleyball game to win.

Fred Miller July 7, 2011 at 9:42 am

The cartoons on Audlt Swim inspired me to make my own. That’s how I cope with the shittiness of life. That and dipping cookies in yogurt. I might try dipping cookies in Johnny Walker as soon as I can afford it.
Fred Miller recently posted..I can piss off a Metallica fan with only three words

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I’m fascinated with the prospect of dipping cookies in yogurt, because if you put that shit on a stick, I would survive on only that.

Fred, you are now the food manager at Dangerballs Pines.

THK July 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

OMG. We need to do this camping thing. NOW.

I wonder what the newspapers would say after a group of us went into the woods to do all this shit. “40 people missing after camping expedition. Only traces left were glitter-covered dildos, finger-painted pornography, six containers of ball deodorant, and an inflatable sofa bed covered in Johnny Walker.”
THK recently posted..Pappy’s House: Childhood Memories Come Alive

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I like that your mind works in news reports about kidnapping and disappearances.

Tans July 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

How about an extra credit medical course:

Name that Rash: did you pass out in the poison ivy or are you just a slut?

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:48 pm

That’s a fucking difficult course, and I can’t wait to see the photos.

Amanda July 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I want to go to this camp! I love blowing stuff up and the flaming archery sounds like it’s right up my alley!
Amanda recently posted..Happy Fourth of July

Havilah July 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Any camp that allows me to blow stuff up immediately gets the EPIC rating in my opinion. For example, the last one I went to, a 25 pound propane cylinder starting jetting flames. BEST camp ever!

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

We’ll blow up the whole damn camp, in one big flaming ball of Johnny Walker and Vaginal glory.

Havilah July 11, 2011 at 11:13 am

OK, one question first…. who’s bringing the jumbo-size marshmallows?

tavie July 7, 2011 at 4:38 pm

this is by far one of my favorites~ thanks bitch!

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Thank YOU, bitch.

Lilscorpiosweet July 7, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I would do everyone of those courses but one.. ensuring the survival of mankind.. sorry chicky this girl is not popping anymore babies out.

But I will compensate.. I will help raise said babies.. once they turn 5 they are all yours. That means Yes I will potty train them but you know since we are doing the whole Zombie/Rapture survival I wouldn’t really need to teach them anything specific about pottying other maybe finding a spot that isn’t near the food.. hmmm. Anyway their language will be adult friendly and none of that gaga bullshit. These kids will be properly equipped.

So I guess the only thing you left out was babysitting or parenting of the new generations.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..The Injustice of a Child Murder

Noa July 7, 2011 at 11:50 pm

That’s a good one, actually. Someone’s gonna have to teach those little fuckers to survive.

Tazer Warrior Princess July 9, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Fuck nature! Bring me tequila!
Tazer Warrior Princess recently posted..I wanted to cut a bitch today…

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Did I forget to mention the full bar?

Norway July 10, 2011 at 1:53 am

Noa, you wouldn’t mind TOO much if I burned down half the camp with my sucky archery, would you? At least we’d have the best campfire for roasting marshmallows ever. Think of the endless s’mores!!!
Wait, scratch that. We’d have wiener roasts.
Granted I’m probably not old enough to attend… Let a girl dream.

Noa July 10, 2011 at 10:56 pm

FUCK NO I don’t mind if you burn shit down! That’s what the girl scout camp next door is for. Fire away!

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